Burning Embers Part 5
By: Stacy L.
THORNS OF LOVE
Shame is a term I know very
well. It’s a term I really wish I had no knowledge of. It was one of the first
things I had experienced upon surrendering and one of the first things I came
to know extremely intimately, far too intimately for my own liking…shame, a five letter word that I had
learned to despise and loathe.
Many when they see me now would
find it quite a challenge to accept that I know what shame is, for I never
carry myself as such. Instead, I bury it. I shove it so far down inside that I
have nearly destroyed it. Why? Because it brings about so many other feelings
and emotions I despise and it makes me think of things I’d rather not. That
five letter word has the power, the ability, to completely destroy me if I allow it to. I have no time to
spend dwelling on it, for I have no power to change the course of my life. My
life is what it is, and I’m powerless to change it. I have spent years fighting
the inevitable, resisting my fate, resisting what was planned and have met
repeatedly with failure and after my capture shame became my constant
companion, one I despise with all of my being.
Many believe that I have never
experienced the devastating power of shame. They see me now after years and
years of battling against it, wrestling with my conscience, struggling with the
stark reality that I will spend much of my life either on my back or on my
knees always serving the whims of others exhibiting little if any emotion at
all. What they see is my calm acceptance. They see my open willingness to do
anything and everything commanded of me. What they see is my convincing façade
that hides behind it my true desires and needs. What they see is a mask that
disguises my true self and keeps it hidden so as to preserve it from the harsh
reality of my present existence. What they don’t see is that I have no choice.
What they don’t see is that I’m trapped and therefore sentenced to a lifetime
of dancing with that five letter word I so despise: shame. When others look at
me they don’t see the turmoil, the pain and anguish, the suffering I deal with
on a daily basis. When others look at me they only see a servant who obeys
without question, a slave who has no rights save those my master chooses to
grant me. They see an animal. They see property, but they never see me.
Jack sees me, but Jack also sees
a man who seems overly accepting of his fate. He sees a man who seems so
willing to obey and to serve without question and he never sees beyond that.
Jack can’t comprehend what my life has been like. Jack can’t understand why I’m
so eager to serve. Jack doesn’t understand why I do everything in my power to
appease my master and to please him. Jack doesn’t understand what life as a
slave entails. He believes that everyone is free to do as they wish and those
that serve the whims of others have for some strange reason elected to do so.
He believes that everyone has choices.
He believes that everyone has free will
and the idea that someone might be denied such a privilege has never crossed
Jack O’Neill’s mind. The concept is a foreign one to him, and he doesn’t
understand that not all men or women are created equal. He chooses to believe
the fantasy, the lie that everyone is equal and there is no such thing as inequality
for to admit that there is would mean he’d be required to change his whole way
of thinking. He chooses to remain ignorant to the cold ugly truth that slavery
exists and that many people live in constant oppression.
The idea that a slave could know
and understand shame is foreign to most people because when they see a person
willingly do the bidding of others they neglect to look beyond that and to see
the world of hurt and rage that boils just beneath the surface. They neglect to
see the torment that the oppressed keep buried deep down inside.
Jack doesn’t believe that I know
what shame is and he is so very wrong, but I’ll never bring it up for fear of
its destructive power over me. If I admit to it then I could unleash it and I
fear that I no longer possess the strength it would take to face it and bury it
once more, so I keep it suppressed. I keep it buried so far down beneath layers
of self-doubt, anger, rage and guilt. I keep it hidden out of sight, out of
mind beneath my fear, my disgust and my despair for it has the power to drive
me so far down that I fear I’d never be able to find myself again.
Shame, I dance daily with it
having learned years ago how to keep it out of sight and out of mind. I keep it
controlled, buried, hidden, on the very brink of destruction and some days it
seems to disappear, to vanish without a trace…but then it returns in an instant
when I again find myself naked on hands and knees bowing with my legs spread
wide as I’m forced to willingly offer my body for the pleasure of others. It’s
on those days I truly feel shame rise again as I surrender all to the one
choosing to master me. It’s on those days that I’m coldly reminded of just what
I am as I eagerly respond to the one using me strictly for their pleasure, and
it’s on those particular days when I remember that I’m merely a high-class
whore serving the whims of my master and owner, a high-class whore who draws
way too much pleasure from fucking anyone and everyone my master commands of
me. Shame is one of the many words I now know intimately and I hate and despise
having such knowledge of a word that could easily destroy me.
As he was brought to the dining hall he glanced up to see Mara sitting at the head of the table. Mara greeted, “Ah yes welcome. Sit. Sit.”
He slowly lowered to his seat hearing the chains encircling him rattle and clink as he did so. Without hesitation he asked, “Why am I here?”
“Ah yes the direct approach. SYAMA!”
Almost immediately Jack heard the jingling of bells and as he glanced up he watched Daniel glide to his master’s side before softly asking, “What does My Master require of me?”
“Please bring me my wine.”
An elegant bow and the soft clanging of bells indicated the slave’s immediate obedience to the command.
Shaking his head he asked again, “What do you want, seriously?”
Mara grinned focusing intently on him. He didn’t even move when the soft bells again sounded indicating Daniel’s return to his side. Instead of accepting the wine the young man held in his hands he simply ordered, “Syama, kneel.”
Immediately the man lowered to the floor widening his knees and sitting back on his heels before pressing the cup of wine firmly against his belly. Jack thought it strange to see. As if Mara read his thoughts he said, “My slave he intrigues you much. I have permitted him to visit with you daily. Do you find his company enjoyable?”
“Yes very much.”
“That is good for if you did not then I would be forced to beat him for his failure.”
Jack flinched before questioning, “Excuse me?”
“Syama serves all. He is superior to no one save lower ranked slaves. His duty is to serve all and to be pleasing to all.”
Offended by such a statement Jack had to rein in his rage before forcing himself to respond in a calm voice, “And just why is that, may I ask?”
Mara’s grin widened as he noted the displeasure in the man before him and quickly answered, “Because he is a slave, of course. Syama, my wine please…”
Because he is a slave? That was the bastard’s answer? Because he was a slave he was required to be pleasing to all? What the fuck?
As Daniel moved he glanced up watching as he proceeded to lift the cup of wine to his lips before pressing them firmly to the glass. He then elegantly lowered his head before extending his arms outward to offer the proffered drink to his master. Mara smiled and accepted the offered cup drinking from it before returning it to Daniel’s hands. Daniel thanked him for allowing him to serve then returned the cup to his belly, pressing it firmly against him. What the hell?
Mara smiled again amused by the facial expressions crossing the prisoner’s face. He looked at Syama and his smile widened, for the man was silently awaiting his request for more drink. His posture was relaxed yet beautiful and his expression blank, for Syama was very used to serving as he now was. He was pleased.
Turning back to the prisoner he said, “I have a proposal for you.”
Jack was watching Daniel and saw the slightest tension ripple through him upon that statement being uttered. He knew what Daniel was thinking and cautiously gazed at Mara as he questioned, “And what’s that?”
“I would like you to serve me.”
“Hell no.”
“Do not be so quick to deny me until you have heard how I desire you to serve.”
“I’m not…”
“SILENCE!”
Jack glanced briefly at Daniel noticing the tension in him had increased. He then turned back to focus on Mara noticing that his expression was now cold, hard and waited for the man to speak.
“Your choices are simple. You may spend your life serving always in the dungeons or you may serve me here within the palace walls during the day.”
“Doing what?”
“Manual labor, of course… You will help my men with various tasks. You will be under Narayana’s control. If you fail me, you fail him.”
“And if I refuse?”
“Then you will remain in the dungeons, of course. I have no real use for a prisoner who has the ability to work but refuses. Your life could become forfeit if I find I have no further need of you.”
“No.”
“No? Perhaps you do not understand what it is I am offering you. You have a choice to work within the palace walls during the day and be returned to your cell each night or to spend the rest of your life in the dungeons. This offer will not be extended again.”
He mentally cursed wanting to refuse but knowing it would not only give him the opportunity to get away from his cell for a time but give him an opportunity to figure out the lay of the palace to plan his escape. It would also get him closer to Daniel, albeit they most likely wouldn’t be permitted to speak outside of the dungeons.
He gazed at Daniel again briefly before focusing completely on Mara. He swallowed hard before nodding his head in agreement.
Mara smiled before continuing, “You will serve under Narayana. He is a fair and just man. He will tell you what is and is not permitted. He will supervise you as much as he is able. He will not be with you always, for he also guards my most favored, as you well know. For now you will be returned to your cell. Tomorrow we shall begin your service to me. Narayana…?”
Jack was a bit surprised when Narayana was instantly at his side. He had been unaware of the Jaffa’s presence. He should have known that where Daniel was Narayana would also be.
Upon his appearance Mara commanded, “Return him to his cell immediately. Tomorrow you will begin to train him in the ways of a work slave.”
Jack again glanced at Daniel noticing how the tension again seemed to build in his body upon that pronouncement. His attention was then drawn to Mara as he snapped, “Dismissed!”
Narayana bowed before guiding Jack out of the room. As he glanced once more behind him he noted that Daniel still remained kneeling beside his master holding his wine glass.
Once back to the dungeons Narayana paused focusing on O’Neill before saying, “O’Neill?”
“Yeah…?”
“You must not fail the master. If he requests you do something you must do so immediately.”
Jack eyed him up wearily sensing there was something left unsaid. Wanting to know what it was and sensing Narayana wouldn’t tell him he suspiciously questioned, “Why? What happens if I don’t? Narayana…?”
He hesitated before answering, “The price of refusal is that Daniel will suffer.”
“WHAT?”
“This he neglected to inform you of.”
Shaking his head he demanded, “Why? Why Daniel?”
“It is the way he chooses to control, to make you responsible for another. In so doing he enforces his control over another.”
“But why does Daniel have to…?”
“Daniel is the highest ranked slave in Mara’s service. He is responsible for all those below him. If they disobey he is held responsible. He is required to either state their punishment or retrain them properly. It is his duty as most favored to assure that all others will obey their master as he. Upon your agreement to Mara’s terms you have received the rank of slave though rarely you will be addressed as such. He has placed you under my supervision, and I am responsible for training you. Though you will now serve under me you must also serve under Daniel, for your status now places you in a lower rank than his. Daniel is now your direct superior for he is the highest ranked slave in the household. All others therefore must obey him.”
Certain he already knew the answer but wanting it confirmed he asked in a voice edged with tension, “And if they don’t?”
A haunted look briefly graced Narayana’s face before it vanished to be replaced with an unreadable one as he answered, “Very few disobey Daniel.”
“Why?”
“The consequence is far too grave.”
“And what’s the consequence, Narayana?”
Shaking his head dismissively he opted simply for, “They will not disobey him, O’Neill. They respect him too much. They care for him too much.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“You will soon find out, O’Neill.”
“He, does he… Narayana, does he…?”
Locking gazes with O’Neill Narayana repeated, “They will not disobey him.”
With that said he turned and quickly left the room leaving Jack feeling suddenly very fearful for Daniel, certain that what Narayana omitted revolved around Daniel being hurt in some way, shape or form for another’s disobedience, and that didn’t sit well with him at all.
*
*
Daniel arrived several hours later smiling as he approached Jack. He asked, “How are you?”
Jumping to his feet and quickly approaching he answered, “Fine,” while subconsciously sweeping a cursory glance up and down the length of Daniel’s body silently affirming he had no visible marks and shuddering as he realized what he was doing.
As Daniel spoke he focused intently on him, “I’m sorry that My Master has required you serve.”
Shaking his head dismissively he opened his mouth in preparation to ask about what Narayana had told him earlier but found that all he could say was, “Daniel about that…kissing the cup thing…”
Swallowing dryly he quickly answered, “It’s a requirement, Jack. I must do that before serving him.”
“Why?”
“To show I honor him, to show him I know my place…”
“But…”
“There are many things I’m required to do when serving that’s but one.”
Sensing he had an opening he boldly questioned, “What would happen if you failed to do that?”
“If I was lucky and my master was feeling merciful a simple rebuke...”
“And if not?”
“Most likely a lashing or a beating I’d not soon forget. Confinement is another possible punishment or he’ll order me to…grovel for him, whatever he desires I must do.”
And what happens if the others disobey you?
The question was on the tip of his tongue but again he found he could only manage, “That’s crazy!”
“That’s the consequence of displeasure or failure, Jack.”
Tensing he gently prodded, “Is that your only other duty?”
“No. No. You know my main…purpose.”
“Yes.”
“That isn’t the only…purpose I serve. I was trained thoroughly. Most of my young life I was trained to serve in all capacities, serving My Master his wine is but one of many, many duties I’m required and expected to perform. I’m a pleasure slave, yes, but that means simply that I have been trained more extensively then all others. Every duty a lower ranked slave performs I can perform. You don’t become the highest ranked slave just by being appointed the master’s favored one. You must be trained in all levels of service, and you must be able to perform any command given you without hesitation.”
“So I should expect to see you perform any number of things while I work?”
“Yes. Usually if you see me the master will be close by. Remember that Jack because he’s always watching and waiting. He likes to perform surprise checks on work being done and if he catches you slacking at all he will punish you for the infraction. If you see me he’s close by. I must also warn you of one other thing…”
“And what’s that?”
Lowering his gaze he swallowed hard before answering, “If you see him disciplining me in any way you can’t interfere at all, Jack.”
“Why?” he snapped.
“Because I will suffer as a result… If any one attempts to interfere when he’s disciplining me I’m the one who suffers for it. Please, Jack, don’t interfere. I can usually appease him and dispense some of his anger by behaving in certain ways but if someone dares interfere he loses all control and I can’t break through his rage when that occurs. Please don’t interfere, Jack. Please.”
“Why do you suffer if someone else interferes?”
Lowering his gaze he nervously licked his lips before answering, “The guards are very protective of me. My Master encourages that, but he didn’t always. There was a time he ordered them, commanded them to show me no mercy. At the time they didn’t know me to them I was a pathetic worthless slave who angered the master. I was nothing to them, and I was treated as nothing by them…”
“What made that change?”
Daniel glanced at Jack briefly before shaking his head and answering, “You already know the answer to that question, Jack.”
“Because you showed strength in defeat and…”
“Earned their respect as a result, yes…after that they became very protective of me, I didn’t understand why but any time the master would try to discipline me…they’d stop him. They’d divert his attention. They’d interfere and he would grow angry. He would order them to leave or to stay out of his affairs but still they would try to aid me. His solution was to devise a new strategy that was sure to keep them from interfering ever again.”
“And what was the solution?”
Swallowing hard Daniel intensely gazed at Jack as he replied, “If they dared to interfere in any way I would suffer as a result.”
Tensing Jack managed a strained, “And how exactly did he implement that rule?”
He broke eye contact then unable to look at Jack for the span of a heartbeat before hardening his resolve, refocusing and answering, “By showing them what would happen if they interfered. The, he, they… When one guard…he… He was disciplining me for accidentally spilling his wine…one of the guards stepped forward…and My Master retaliated by removing his belt and brandishing it none to gently across my back repeatedly until I collapsed before him. The guards were ordered, commanded to not interfere, to leave me lay there and if they dared try to come to my side, if they dared to try to tend to me…he brandished the belt again. I…they said he belted me so severely that night that I had welts all over my body, blood, my blood they said stained the floor and the wall where he…disciplined me. Very few dare to enter that section of the hallway any longer.”
“Why?” managed Jack.
“Because my blood still stains the wall and floor there, Jack, he left it there ordered them not to clean it up so it would serve…as a reminder to them of the consequence should they dare to lend me aid without his direct permission.”
Blanching Jack shook his head managing, “That’s sadistic Daniel he…why?”
“You tell me Jack.”
Shaking his head he commented, “I’ve never seen any scars on you that indicated a beating that extensive.”
“He owns a healing device, Jack. He used to use it on me often. He hasn’t had to use it in many, many years because I haven’t defied him enough to be beaten so severely.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”
“No, no Jack I’m just saying…”
“He still hurts you, Daniel.”
“No, he disciplines me, Jack.”
“Daniel…”
“Jack, don’t start. Please. Don’t argue about this.”
“Daniel he abuses you and you…”
“Jack please just let it go.”
“But Daniel…”
“Please Jack, for now just let it go. Please.”
“Oh…okay, Daniel, okay but someday…”
“I’m going to have to tell you. Yes I know. Narayana and I have already had this conversation.”
That brought a slight smile to Jack’s lips as he answered, “Have you now?”
“Yes.”
“And what did he say?”
“He feels much like you…but not now, Jack. This isn’t the time or the place to be discussing the darker times of my service to him.”
Lifting his head slightly he softly inquired, “Were there many?”
Daniel swallowed convulsively before answering in a tight voice, “Many what Jack?”
“Dark times during your service to him?”
Daniel said nothing only bowed his head allowing silence to fall between them and stretch before breaking it with, “More than you will ever know, Jack.”
He exhaled slowly feeling as if Daniel had just sucker punched him in the gut aware of what those words meant and wanting so much to inquire further but forced his questions into silence. There would come a time when he would seek those answers from Daniel eventually, but that time was not now. Lifting his gaze to Daniel’s he nodded his head and left the subject drop entirely, unable to miss the relief that flashed across Daniel’s too pale face in response.
* * * *
Working in the palace wasn’t all that bad. It gave him time away from his cell and kept him from becoming bored. He felt much better when he was able to work instead of pace the small confines of his cell trying to plan an escape. Though he hated to agree to Mara’s terms he was thankful he did, for he had been slowly losing himself in that place. Now? Now at least he got a break from it and was able to breathe some fresh air.
The tasks he was given were menial: scrubbing floors, washing dishes, fixing broken equipment and other things along those lines that basically equaled out to household chores, but he wasn’t complaining. It was better than the alternative, and it also got him closer to Daniel. He enjoyed being able to see Daniel as he worked and served. It had angered him so much at first, but through observing Daniel he was able to gain a better understanding of him and the life he led. Daniel worked hard, harder than one would expect a “favored one” to work. As he watched him he noticed that Daniel could do so many different things and would even stop to help the other servants with their chores when his master wasn’t breathing down his neck.
He also noticed how comfortable Mara was with Daniel by his side. He would often speak very freely about issues a servant should have little, if any, knowledge of without a second thought. It surprised him. He doubted there were many other masters out there who spoke so freely in front of servants. Even now Mara was discussing business and Daniel was kneeling by his side. He wasn’t speaking or moving merely kneeling, but he knew that Daniel was listening to every word being said. Shaking his head he turned his attention back to the job at hand deciding that debating about Daniel was distracting him just a little too much.
As he worked on scrubbing the floor he glanced up to see Mara at the head of the table and Daniel kneeling at his side. He watched as Mara spoke with a visitor noticing how Daniel remained: silent, still, seemingly relaxed kneeling as he now was. He had noticed before when Daniel had served Mara wine how comfortable he looked in that position and sensed that Daniel had assumed such a position so often in his life that he was used to it now, so used to it that it was almost second nature to him. Without hesitation he went into the position and sat so still, so very quiet. He knew if it had been him in that position he would have been unable to maintain it for as long as Daniel without moving multiple times.
Returning his focus to the task at hand he continued to scrub finding his eyes again drifting to observe Daniel, watching as in the middle of speaking Mara turned to Daniel and extended a grape to him that Daniel ate from his hand. What the hell?
He continued to watch noticing how Mara would continue speaking while Daniel remained silent and still at his feet. As he spoke he would occasionally turn to offer Daniel food from his hand and Daniel would eat from it every time. He felt anger and rage fill him at witnessing the scene.
Returning his gaze to Mara he observed the man pour wine into a small bowl, confused by the action, he was a bit surprised when he preceded to hand the small bowl to Daniel who softly thanked him before drinking the contents then returning the bowl again to his master. Why would Daniel allow that?
Shaking his head, aware that he was staring, he quickly lowered his gaze and returned to scrubbing determined to ask Daniel that very question later. He found it very difficult to comprehend and again wondered why Daniel would accept being hand fed by his master.
Several hours went by before Narayana came to collect him and return him to his cell. As he glanced around the dim interior he found himself again wondering why Daniel would accept being hand fed. Wasn’t he permitted to eat at the table? And if not, why? Had he observed a typical meal for Daniel?
He was confused by what he had witnessed earlier and practically jumped as the man currently occupying his thoughts entered before approaching. Focusing on him he noticed the soft smile Daniel seemed to hold in reserve only for him and his heart melted. Unconsciously he moved towards Daniel gazing at the beautiful man before opening his mouth to greet him. Instead he found himself posing the question that had bothered him all evening, “
“Daniel, why did you eat from Mara’s hand earlier?”
Daniel blushed cocking his head before answering, “It was my supper, Jack.”
“And you couldn’t sit at the table like a normal person to eat?”
Regarding Jack with open fondness he answered, “I’m not a normal person, Jack, I’m a slave.”
“You allowed him to feed you…by hand, Daniel.”
Nodding he continued, “Jack, I eat when he decides and how he decides. If I don’t, I go hungry. When he offers me food from his hand I graciously accept it. I don’t refuse it.”
“Why?”
“Because I never know when he will choose to feed me again…”
“What?”
“He controls everything, Jack, including when and if I am permitted to eat.”
“You can’t just help yourself? Take something and eat it?”
Daniel paled as he snapped, “No!”
“Why not?”
“The punishment for taking things without permission is too grave, Jack. It’s considered theft to take what isn’t mine, to take from the master without his express permission. The punishment is severe. I will never take that which isn’t mine to take, Jack.”
“So you’re telling me if Mara decides you don’t eat, you really don’t eat?”
“Yes, Jack.”
“But…”
“My Master decides when or even if I have earned the privilege to eat. If he decides to toss me food, to toss it on the floor before me I will eat it or I risk going hungry and being beaten for refusing that which he has gifted me. It’s not a choice, Jack. I rely on him to feed me, and he chooses which method he will use to do so. He makes the decision if I’ve earned food or not. It has always been this way with him. I have learned my lesson well.”
“And what lesson is that?”
“I eat when and how he decides. I eat what he decides to give me or I go hungry. The price of theft from him is grave. I rely on him and only him to provide food and drink for me. I’m not permitted to touch or partake of his food unless he permits me.”
“But…”
“That is simply the way it is, Jack, whether or not you understand it. I eat when he decides I eat. I eat what he provides me with, and I eat the way he chooses to feed me. Otherwise, Jack, I go hungry.”
Jack gritted his teeth in response aware that Mara used food to control his slave. It angered him that Mara was so domineering over Daniel. Why had Daniel allowed him so much control?
Shaking his head he recalled Daniel telling him he was young when he had been purchased, just how young had he been to so willingly submit to eating food from his master’s hand and too afraid of helping himself for fear of the consequences?
Daniel interrupted his train of thought with, “This isn’t the way where you’re from, Jack?”
“No. No. We… I eat when I want. I eat what I want. I purchase my food, and I buy what I like to eat.”
“My Master purchases the food, Jack. I don’t, and I eat what he gives me.”
“Even if you don’t like it…?”
“There’s no such thing as liking or disliking something, Jack. When he feeds me I eat because he may choose not to feed me again for some time.”
“So you don’t really have any choice at all?”
“No, but he doesn’t usually give me something he knows I don’t like. It’s a courtesy he graciously bestows upon me. Now that doesn’t mean he won’t again give me something I don’t like but usually that is the case.”
“It’s a courtesy he graciously bestows upon you?”
“Yes Jack.”
“How is that a courtesy, Daniel?”
Lowering his gaze he quickly answered, “It’s better than being force fed, Jack.”
“What?”
“Or losing a hand for stealing from him…”
Jack paled in response to that comment saying, “He… Daniel…”
The softness with which Jack spoke his name drew Daniel’s head up. He then said, “Jack, it’s the way he taught me since I was a boy. I’ve always had to rely on him to feed me. I always had to earn my food from him. I had no choice, and I still don’t. It’s simply the way it is, and I know it may disgust you but…”
“No, no it doesn’t disgust me…”
Shaking his head he softly requested, “Can you at least humor me by not lying to me, Jack? Please?”
Jack gazed intently at Daniel noting the intelligence reflected in his eyes. Daniel wasn’t stupid by any means. He knew what he was doing. He knew what he had to do. He knew what was expected. He did what he had to in order to survive. He had learned quickly what he needed to do to live as he was. Nodding he answered, “I’m sorry, Daniel. I sometimes forget how long you’ve been in service to him.”
“It’s all right, Jack, just please don’t think me stupid or ignorant because of the things he requires of me.”
“I won’t, Daniel, I won’t… I’ll try not to anymore.”
“Thank you, Jack. I know it bothers you immensely but think of where I’m coming from. I had to learn a lot at a very young age including how to avoid being beaten by him for any little infraction. I’ve told you before he wasn’t easy on me. He was very strict, and I learned my place. I spent much time being tended by Narayana for my…stubbornness. I learned, Jack. I had to learn. It was a matter of survival not choice.”
“That’s not right Daniel…”
“Doesn’t matter, Jack, I had no choice. I did what I had to do.”
Shaking his head he found he wanted more than anything to hold Daniel, but the bars prevented it. As he muttered a soft, “I wish these bars weren’t here,” a puzzled expression settled across Daniel’s face before he answered the unvoiced question, “So I could hold you in my arms, Daniel.”
Surprise was next to grace his face followed by a shy smile before he again lowered his head.
*
* * *
I’d Rather Die a
Thousand Times…
As he continued to work in the palace Jack noticed that time seemed to move a bit faster. When in his cell time seemed to come to a screeching halt. The contrast surprised him only slightly. As days stretched into weeks and weeks developed into a month he began to realize that he had stopped thinking of how to escape. Upon that realization he could only shake his head. He had become so accepting of his place in the palace. He spent more and more time working in the palace than in his cell and soon found he was excited to be released even for a few measly hours. What was happening to him?
Shaking his head he began to walk down one of the grand halls halting when he heard a raised voice fill the air. Glancing up he felt his heart lodge in his throat as he saw the scene beyond the doorway: Mara was raging at some man and a crowd had started to form. Curiosity urged him onward so he entered upon spotting Narayana he quickly approached him. Seeing his pale pinched face Jack opened his mouth to ask what was wrong only to turn abruptly when Mara snapped at his visitor paling at the scene before him.
He watched from his place in the room as Mara bore down on Daniel who was kneeling respectfully before him. He wondered what was going on tensing and stepping towards the young man as his master suddenly backhanded him viciously knocking Daniel to his side. Daniel quickly recovered returning once more to his kneeling position, again lowering his head submissively as he awaited his master’s orders. Again Jack moved only to be halted by Narayana who quietly snapped, “Do not move. He must not be offered aid.”
“Why not,” Jack hissed in response.
“Because if you were to interfere in anyway whether it is to help Daniel or not his master will punish him for the infraction.”
“Why?”
“Because he is a slave to all, O’Neill… This you already know and it should not bear further repeating.”
Ignoring the comment Jack softly informed, “His nose is bleeding he needs…”
“You to remain where you are…”
“Why?”
“He is to remain as he is O’Neill. His purpose is to be always pleasing to his master no matter how his master chooses to treat him.”
“But…”
Narayana sighed in frustration watching as the master continued to rant and rave at his chief of security directing his sole rage and anger towards the unfortunate young man kneeling so silently before him. He hated the inability to do anything without causing Daniel further pain and suffering, but such was the way of things unfair as it was.
Once the guard was dismissed Narayana silently prayed that Mara would simply dismiss Daniel without causing him further pain but feared that Mara was just getting started. He shook his head sadly as Mara did just as he had expected turning the full extent of his rage towards Daniel as he snapped, “You will report to my chambers immediately. If you fail to be quick to comply then you shall suffer further.”
Daniel’s steady soft voice filled the room as he quietly replied, “My Master, yes My Master,” so accepting of his status in Mara’s court was he that it nearly broke Narayana’s heart. He waited on edge hoping that the meek response was all that Mara would require of him and nearly crying out in rage as again a second vicious blow was driven across Daniel’s face sending him yet again to the floor. Swallowing hard he clenched his hands into fists at his sides resisting every urge that told him, ordered him to go to Daniel’s side and help him. He could not interfere and as he caught the slight movement to his left he quickly reacted by latching onto O’Neill’s shoulder and saying, “Do not interfere, O’Neill. Please you will only make it so much worse for him.”
Drawing in a calming breath he quietly snapped, “I can’t just stand here!”
“You can and you will if you care anything for Daniel. Please O’Neill, trust what I am saying to you. You cannot interfere at all.”
He struggled with the desperate command hearing the tension in Narayana’s voice and the fear that told him he had better pay attention to what the man had to say so with regret he nodded his head focusing all his attention on Daniel who still lay sprawled on his side on the floor. As he began to rise to return quickly to his knees his master snapped at him ordering him to remain on the floor before him. He was ordered not to move as his master approached him towering over him looking as if he were ready to pummel Daniel into oblivion. He snapped again, “You will report to my chambers immediately, pet. Do not defy me.”
As Daniel again prepared to rise his master snarled, “DOWN! STAY DOWN!”
Daniel froze upon the floor still managing miraculously to keep his eyes cast downward as he complied with the command. His master then snapped, “You will grovel upon your belly for me slave. Do you understand me?”
Narayana watched intently unaware that he had tightened his grip upon Jack’s shoulder painfully so. He gazed at the master and then at Daniel feeling his heart nearly breaking again as Daniel responded to the order by gracefully turning his hands pressing the backs of them to the floor he lie upon thus exposing his palms to his master’s gaze. Without thought he softly muttered, “Ah Daniel no…”
Jack quietly snapped, “What? What?”
“Do you see how he is holding his hands?”
“Yeah so?”
“A moment ago the palms were down. Upon the command to grovel he turned them thus exposing his palms to his master’s gaze…”
“So what does that mean?”
“It is a gesture of surrender, O’Neill. By doing so he is showing his master that he is vulnerable. He is exhibiting his complete surrender to his master’s will.”
“What?”
“It will momentarily appease his master and in the end possibly deflect some of his rage. Daniel has learned the hard way what it takes to soften his master even in the slightest. Mara is a master who shows no mercy, but Daniel has learned that small things will lessen his anger ever so slightly. It is these little things that Daniel has learned that keep his master from destroying him when his rage is so very great. It is the lifeline that Daniel clings to when he must submit to the violence and rage of his master.”
Narayana fell silent again as a cruel twisted smile stretched across Mara’s lips before he ordered, “Go now, pet, and go quickly.”
As gracefully as he had turned his hands over Daniel moved into the proper grovel position before doing as his master commanded of him and exiting the room upon his belly.
Than Watch You Suffer
One More Day
It was several hours before Jack saw him again and as he entered being helped by Narayana Jack felt his heart seize. He watched as Daniel slowly, oh so slowly, approached relying way too heavily on Narayana. When he drew to a halt before him Narayana didn’t leave his side as was typical prompting Jack to ask, “Can we have some privacy, please?”
In a choked voice Narayana softly responded, “Not this time, O’Neill, I am sorry but should I leave his side now he will not have the strength to remain upright. He should be resting, recovering but demanded of me to bring him to see you.”
“Is it…? How bad is it Daniel?”
Again it was Narayana who answered with, “He was very lucky.”
“Lucky?”
It was Daniel who spoke next as he raised his head and answered, “Yes I was lucky, Jack, lucky that this is all he chose to do to me. His anger was, is, great and usually it’s much, much worse.”
“Usually…?”
“Yes.”
As Daniel focused on him Jack reached for him cursing the bars that separated them. Narayana gasped as Jack placed a gentle hand to Daniel’s face brushing a thumb ever so lightly across his jaw line shocked at O’Neill’s reaction and Daniel’s willingness to allow such a touch.
O’Neill managed a soft, “Ah Daniel…”
Daniel downcast his eyes before speaking again, “Thank you…for not interfering.”
“I should have.”
“NO! No you couldn’t.”
“And why the hell not?”
“Had you done so I would still be at my master’s mercy...”
“You still are.”
“Literally at his mercy, Jack… I wouldn’t be here with you now. I’d be bowing at his feet or cowering before him as he continued to throttle me. I… To interfere would have only further incited his wrath.”
“You surrendered to him. You… Narayana said you willingly surrendered to him.”
“And Narayana has told you why. Something as small, as simple as showing surrender in defeat with a single hand gesture has spared me much pain in the past. I knew it would work again. He has no control when he is as angry as he was today. He would have showed me no mercy.”
“I think it’s already a pretty safe bet to say that he didn’t show you any mercy today, Daniel.”
“And I would normally agree if I were unable to rise on my own. Yes Narayana is helping me to remain upright but at least I’m able to rise on my own. Had I not surrendered to him I would be crawling upon my belly unable to do anything without Narayana’s aid and several days of bed rest so you see I did spare myself some of his rage…and all I had to do was show I surrendered to his will. It’s not a choice for me Jack but a matter of survival.”
“What? Do you hear yourself Daniel?”
“I have no choice, Jack. I have NO CHOICE.”
“There’s always a…”
“Bullshit! Don’t start with that crap, Jack, don’t you dare! If I had a choice do you really think I’d tolerate his abuse? Do you really think I’d so willingly yield to his rule? If I had a choice Jack, do you really think I’d still be here?”
He opened his mouth then closed it again before opening it again to say, “I’m sorry, Daniel, I don’t want to anger you. I’m just having a very difficult time accepting all of this.”
“I know, Jack. I know and you would because you’ve never been a slave. You’ve never served another. You’ve never been owned and controlled by another. You don’t understand what it’s like, what my life is like. You don’t know what slavery really means, what slavery really is.”
“I think I’m learning though.”
“Learning yes, accepting of it no.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“When you look at me you don’t see me as a slave, Jack. You see me as a person, as a fairly strong person I think and that creates conflict and tension within you because you see me as something that I am but I’m not.”
“I dare you to say that again.”
Shaking his head Daniel continued, “You know what I mean, Jack. When you look at me you see me. When anyone else looks at me they see a slave and treat me accordingly. I am both yet I am not.”
“What?”
Daniel shook his head dismissively before continuing, “I’m a slave, Jack. I’m owned. I’m controlled. I serve or I die it’s as simple as that. I either serve him willingly, completely, surrendering all to him or I die for daring to hold myself back from him. I have no secrets for all are laid bare before him. I’m a prize to him, a treasure that he knows intimately. There are no secrets between us for if there were then he would know that I was holding back and he would slay me for such a crime. He holds my life in his hands, Jack. He holds the power to give me life or to take it from me, and I have no say in the matter. Slaves have no say for they are merely property. Slaves are objects who serve in all ways. He may show me respect at times even going so far as to involve me in complex discussions or moral debates but in an instant he can also order me back to my knees and I must obey without hesitation. He holds power over me and I must yield to his power, to his rule, to him Jack. I have no other choice but to yield my body, my soul, my very life to him.”
Knowing he was becoming angry but unable to fully rein it in he snapped, “But why? Why Daniel? Tell me why.”
Daniel opened his mouth to speak then closed it again unable to come up with a response to the question. He glanced briefly at Narayana, at a loss for what to say, and lowered his gaze to the floor again before managing, “That’s just the way it is Jack…”
With that said he turned to Narayana again and spoke softly. Narayana nodded before saying, “Good night, O’Neill.”
“Good night? Good night? I’m not done talking yet…”
Daniel managed, “I think you’ve said quite enough, Jack. Now if you’ll excuse me I really need to lie down.”
“Why?”
Daniel’s eyes briefly widened before he simply shook his head and softly said, “Narayana please?”
Narayana nodded, turning to guide Daniel towards the door and beyond.
Once to the safety of his room, Daniel was no longer able to remain upright and crumpled against Narayana grateful that the man held onto him still. He managed a choked, “Door, get the door…please,” that had Narayana closing the door abruptly before locking it. Then he hoisted Daniel into his arms and carried him into his bedroom while saying, “You push yourself far too hard, Daniel. You should have been resting.”
“I had to…see him…”
“But you are barely able to stand on your own.”
Feeling overwhelming sadness settle in he could only softly mutter, “I know.”
Narayana lowered him to his bed then carefully removed his silks before beginning to draw a robe around him. Daniel immediately shook his head pushing it away with what little remained of his strength as he softly said, “No. No. Hurts too much…please?”
Nodding Narayana cast the robe to the foot of the bed before drawing Daniel into his arms mindful of where he touched him knowing how severely battered he truly was. As soon as he tugged Daniel into his arms Daniel could no longer remain strong and nearly collapsed managing a quiet, “I don’t think I can do this much longer, Narayana. I’m not that strong, not any more.”
Narayana reached up with his right hand keeping the left firmly wrapped around Daniel before gently brushing the hair away from Daniel’s face softly uttering, “Shh, shh do not think about it now. Try to rest, please. Rest...”
“Narayana…”
“Shh, rest Daniel, just rest.”
Releasing a soft sigh Daniel managed to nod before settling further into the embrace allowing his eyes to slowly drift shut as he listened to the steady beat of Narayana’s heart beneath his ear.
Narayana held him in his arms gently stroking his hair as he began to rock him ever so slowly trying to ignore the fierce ache in his heart as he again held the man he loved as his very own in his arms, broken and battered from the violence and rage his master had chose to again rain upon him.
As the man in his arms began to further relax his breathing growing more even and deep Narayana smiled aware that he had found the much needed rest he had been seeking. After holding him a while longer he carefully lowered the man to the mattress drawing the covers up over him and tucking him in before leaving. There was someone he had to speak with and he knew that like Daniel he too would find much difficulty finding rest, for there was much he still did not understand or comprehend about the one presently curled up asleep in his bed.
*
*
Glancing up he saw Narayana enter alone and quietly approach his cell. Worried he asked, “Narayana, how…how is he?”
Narayana said nothing at first, so caught up in his present sadness, but as Jack’s voice took on an even softer tone as he asked his question again this time ending with an imploring “please” Narayana found his voice, “He is growing weary and tired. He… I do not know how much more he will be able to handle before he is lost…”
“Lost? What…what the hell do you mean? What happened after the two of you left here?”
Narayana shook his head and silence ensued before he broke it with, “I know I have asked you this very question before and you have answered it…”
Confused by the statement all Jack could come up with was, “What question…?”
Interrupting Narayana only continued, “Do you have any idea how he is treated, O’Neill? Do you even care? Do you care for Daniel? Does he mean anything to you?”
“I…”
“If you do not care for him, if he does not mean anything to you then please walk away from him now. I beg of you. Please…please do not destroy him, O’Neill, please.”
“I’d never…”
“Not intentionally no but…”
“But what?”
“You cannot or will not accept him as he is. You call him foolish for surrendering so much to another. You shake your head when he walks away from you unable to allow you to see how much your words wound him. You tell him he has a choice when he has no freedom. You tell him he can do anything, and do not understand when he runs from you nearly in tears as he is again reminded of those things that he is not permitted to have. You disregard his wishes believing that by doing so you are helping him when all you succeed in doing is furthering his suffering. You do not understand what slavery means, and you have never tried. If you hurt him, O’Neill, you will destroy him. You cannot do that to him. Daniel is a rare individual whom should be treasured not as a belonging but as a human being. He has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever seen. He is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. He… Daniel is very special, O’Neill…”
Feeling suddenly angry and not understanding why Jack snapped back, “He lures people to his master, how’s that make him special?”
Sighing in frustration Narayana answered, “He is not proud of that, and yes he does lure others to his master, at his command but he does not do so willingly.”
His anger began to turn into hurt as he spoke again, “Could’ve fooled me.”
Narayana shook his head lowering it before continuing, “Each time he is commanded to lure another to Mara, each time he is ordered to please another for Mara, it cuts him like a knife, O’Neill. It tears out another piece of his precious heart and soon, soon, he will have nothing left to give to another, for his heart will be shredded into a thousand tiny pieces. You do not understand how he hurts, O’Neill. You have never held him in your arms as he has rocked himself to sleep. You have never had to hold the boy in your arms as he cried for his parents late into the night. You have never had to comfort the child as he begged to die instead of give himself to another. You have never had to console a teenager when he spent his first night serving in the bed chamber for his master. You have never had to watch as sorrow and pain nearly consume the man you love as a son. You have never had to witness the suffering of a child you love so very much as he fought and struggled to become a strong individual who could still love, still be compassionate to all those in need even when his very life constantly shatters around him. You have never had to witness a man whose soul was bleeding, whose spirit is slowly dying. You have never loved someone so much that it nearly destroys you to watch as he is slowly murdered by a man he is forced to address always as ‘master’. When you witness one you have loved and raised from a boy slowly dying inside then and only then will you understand why I am begging you, pleading with you not to harm him further.”
Narayana’s voice softened and strained as he continued, “He loves you, Jack, with all of his heart, all of his soul, he loves you. He does not understand it. He refuses to admit it. He says a slave cannot fall in love, for they are not permitted such a precious gift. He says that you hate him for his betrayal and regardless of how much you have spoken with him, how often you have been there for him he still believes you do and that he is unworthy of such love. He loves you so much it hurts, and he cannot comprehend just why he feels so much pain within. It is becoming more difficult for him to serve, for now each time he is forced to surrender all to another he feels as if he is betraying you, betraying the love he has for you and to protect himself, to guard his heart he has blinded himself to that love. It is much easier for him to survive that way than to admit he feels an emotion he is not permitted to. He is so in love with you, but you are too stupid to recognize it, to comprehend it. The gift he has given you is so very precious, yet you do not see it and you foolishly toss it away. You refuse to admit even to yourself that he means so much to you, and you both suffer as a result. The only difference between you and him is that you still have your whole heart, you have experienced love that is more than what exists between parent and child, and you are still free to love. Daniel however knows no such thing as love other than what exists between parent and child. He does not know what true love is for he has never experienced it…until you. He is extremely vulnerable. He has no defense against you. He has no defense against love, for he does not yet understand what all it encompasses. In this game you are both playing Daniel is sacrificing his entire being and all you are sacrificing…is your heart.”
With that said Narayana abruptly turned and left the dungeons.
Jack watched him go thinking of what he had just revealed, aware that he needed to be more cautious when approaching the one he loved, and he would have to come to terms with the anger he still held from Daniel’s initial betrayal.
* *
Anger is another word I know
well. It’s yet another word I dance with daily. Anger, rage, hatred…call it
what you will but it’s all the same thing in the end. I’m a very angry person
who buries that emotion deep down as well, granting it only moments of release.
When I become angry all hell literally breaks loose and anyone who is
unfortunate to be within a few feet of me is fair game for it to be vented
upon. I hate the anger as much as the shame. I constantly battle it and battle
the rage buried so deep within, for I’m not permitted to exhibit that trait,
that emotion. I’m to always remain sweet, calm, polite and soft-spoken for
anger is an emotion a slave is not permitted to feel. A slave is to be always
accepting of their place, of their status in life and they are to always be
happy, pleasant, cheery…pretty to look at and a joy to speak with but never
angry, never enraged, never violent. No a slave is to remain subservient to all
and they are to be quiet, docile and always eager to please. Slaves aren’t even
permitted the right to scowl for it
mars their beauty and greatly displeases their master.
But I harbor anger deep inside.
My rage is great. I hate my status, my station in life. I hate always having to
be subservient to another. I hate always having to serve the whims of another,
but I have no choice and no right to complain. I serve and serve diligently. I
force myself to remain pleasing to others, to remain subservient to others. One
of the hardest things for me to learn when I was being trained was how to
remain subservient to all, how to bow my head to everyone and show to all I was
ruled over, that I was owned. I struggled with that for many months thus was
forced to serve a lengthy sentence in the cage. I still struggle with that
command, that expectation and thus my master selects to punish me with the
heavy collar and chain when I fail to do as is expected.
I’m so angry. My anger stirs
often, but I keep a tight rein on it forcing it to remain simmering never
boiling over. Occasionally though it will boil over and explode and I’ll lash
out at whatever is within reaching distance. My anger will be so great that at
times Narayana has to hold me tightly against him as I rail and scream and
fight. My master doesn’t know of the times my rage takes hold for Narayana
always can see it before it hits its peak and he’s always quick about removing
me from the curious gazes of others so that they won’t see the times when
Mara’s pretty pet loses all control of himself. I know anger intimately, almost
as intimately as I know shame, and I know its destructive capabilities.
Jack has the ability to infuse
anger within me. He has the ability to incite such rage within me that Narayana
has begun voicing concern. I can’t afford to be angry. I can’t afford to be
driven so close to the brink of it. I can’t afford to lose control of my rage
in front of my master or my punishment will be severe. Whether Jack knows he
can stir the anger buried deep within me I don’t know, but I do know that if it
weren’t for Narayana’s watchful eye I’d be spending much time being
“re-educated” by my master for my lack of control. It’s unacceptable to my
master and won’t be tolerated so I have to find a way to tighten my hold on the
rage and rein it in to the point where it can’t do any more harm. Jack will
never understand why I’m not permitted to feel anger and rage, and Jack has no
knowledge of how he feeds the fire raging deep within my soul.
Anger is an emotion I’m not
permitted to exhibit, but I know it so very intimately and I spend countless
hours resisting its lure.
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