By: Stacy L.
CATEGORY: Angst, Romance
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This story was inspired by the above picture, which was created by LJ user sweetiemissy.
So rare it is to see the smile that lights up his face. He seldom uses it. Some even wonder if he’s ever learned how. Smiling should come so easy yet for him it is a rare and beautiful sight to behold. I sometimes wonder why he doesn’t smile. What darkness haunts his soul stalks him and makes him fear to show such a simple thing? What secrets does he keep buried, hidden way deep inside, buried so far down that no one will ever see them? What was his life like? What nightmares torment him in the wee hours of the night, or drive him to awake in a cold sweat at the crack of dawn? What has driven him to remain so sullen? Why doesn’t he smile?
Those who do not smile have learned not to or have no reason to smile, so what reason, what cause has stripped him of his ability to do so? What horror fills the life of Daniel Jackson? What does he dare not speak of? What does he fear? Does he cry or does he weep? Does he dare to allow emotions to appear? Why doesn’t he smile?
I have seen him smile once that I can recall and the smile was so faint that it was more like a smirk than an actual smile. His eyes they hide so much pain, so much suffering in their blue depths. Those eyes have caused me much fear and toil, for I recognize the haunted edge that illuminates them, makes them sparkle, makes them shimmer… He has felt true loneliness, experienced unimaginable pain, suffered so very much in his lifetime and when I recognized the kindred soul buried deep within him I felt pure fear, for I recognized that he too knew of how I felt. I knew that he too had recognized a kindred spirit in me…
We are so similar he and I. Two wounded souls who struggle against our pasts, fight for our futures and are so very afraid to love or be loved. He fears love, for he has known loss. I too fear love for I have experienced its jaded edge. Love is a two edged sword and we have both experienced the bitter sweetness of it.
As I gaze at him now do I dare admit what I feel deep within? Do I dare admit that I…love him, that I love this man who is so haunted, so scarred, so very afraid to smile? Do I dare admit that to lose him would tear me apart, rip into shreds the remnants of what remains of my tattered soul? Do I dare allow him entrance into my deepest fears, my darkest desires, my endless contradictions…? Do I dare admit to him, confess to him that some where between anger and hate, fear and outrage, somewhere between distrust and betrayal exists a heart of gold, a heart I want to give willingly, freely over to him, only to him…forever to him? Do I dare allow him into my heart, into my soul, into my mind…or is it already too late?
I fear it may already be too late for I believe that Daniel Jackson has already weaved and interwoven himself so tightly within me, merged himself so completely to me that I can do nothing to resist him. I am defenseless against him. I can no longer deny him, for I love him too much…and when he offers me that sweet, precious smile that one rarely is blessed enough to see I feel my heart melting, my body turning to mush, my defenses quickly cracking and breaking crumbling beneath his onslaught of love and understanding, quivering beneath the assault of his concern and his complete trust in me. He has given me life and has wormed his way so thoroughly into me that I can no more deny him than deny my own heart, for he owns it completely. I have given it to him, surrendered to him that which I vowed never to release. I have given him my heart and pray that he will not crush it, for he now holds the power to completely destroy me. I have surrendered it so willingly, so easily to him and pray that he will not destroy me as I have feared of all other men.
He is so different this man who has forgotten how to smile, this man who hides behind eyes of crystal blue.
His eyes they hypnotize me. They draw me in. They pull me to him, drawing me deeper within, and as those eyes soften, the blue hue of them sharpening becoming more breathtaking, I know that I have found home. I know that he is home to me, and I love him all the more.
He does not smile, this man who holds my heart, this man who guards my soul. He harbors much sadness and guilt within. He holds much fear and anger deep inside. He blames himself and takes on the weight of the world, this man who loves me so. As I reach up to place a tender hand against his cheek he flinches, for unfamiliar with touch is he, unfamiliar with it and uncomfortable with it. I see him touch his friends, and I see his friends’ touch him but no one else has been allowed to breach that tightly closed, guarded fortress that surrounds him. No one else has been able to climb the walls and enter in. As I place my hand gently to his cheek I fear his withdrawal from me. I fear he will refuse me entrance too. I hold my breath and swallow hard, my chest tightening and my body tensing as I prepare for the rejection I am sure will swiftly come…but all that happens is slight movement, brief hesitation before he turns into my palm accepting the touch that I offer and as he does so a smile stretches across my lips for I know that I have just been granted entrance into him. As he turns his intense azure gaze my way I see the corners of his lips quirk up and stretch as he graces me with a smile so beautiful, so warm and so wondrous that it brings tears to my eyes. I blink them back and lean towards him no longer afraid of him, of his power and control over me. I lean in and softly brush my lips across his. He tastes so sweet, so incredible that I quiver in delight. Instantly his hands are on me, encircling me, pulling me towards him and trapping me against him. His lips soften against mine and our kiss grows tender, desperate. He needs me as much as I need him and though I sense he would like to deny it he can no more deny he loves me than I can him.
And as the kiss lingers and our arms entwine tighter around each other we both find ourselves daring to take the risk, daring to take a small chance…
At loving again.
** The End **
Feedback to: email@example.com
All Rights Reserved.