Memories
By: Stacy L.
CATEGORY:
WARNINGS: None
COMPLETED:
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It’s Christmas time again. What is so important about that day? Oh, sure you decorate a tree and your home. The shopping malls suddenly become packed full of people rushing, buzzing here and there trying their best to buy gifts for everyone on their list. You wrap things up in shiny paper and top packages with pretty bows then place them under the Christmas tree. Radio stations begin to play carols, old and new. The television begins to play reruns of Christmas movies. Love, laughter and cheer are in the air for it’s Christmas and Christmas comes but once a year. Christmas is supposed to be a merry time of the year. A time of joy and peace on Earth, a time for giving and sharing…a time for family. Yes, family is always important especially on the holidays but what does one do when they have no family? What does one do when they have only a few people in their life? What does one do when the memories of a life long ago come forward to haunt and occupy their thoughts? What does one do when those memories are almost too painful to remember, and yet are too wonderful to forget?
Jack O’Neill sighed heavily as he sat in his living room staring blankly at a beautiful tree with twinkling lights. He and Daniel had put the tree up together and together they stacked gifts under it. The tree was absolutely beautiful and the lights were so vibrant yet Jack didn’t see them, for his mind was in the past. The past that was still almost too painful to remember where a little boy was still very much alive. Jack continued to stare blankly at the lovely tree, but his mind continued to dwell on the past…
He had been so young, too young to die so violently. It should have never happened. I should’ve never left a loaded gun lying around the house where one very curious little boy would find it and pick it up. Charlie O’Neill should have never died that day…but he had and it’s all my fault. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop wondering what might’ve been. What if Charlie had never actually died that day? What if I would’ve never left my gun lying out in the open where he would see it? I should’ve known that Charlie’s curiosity would win when he was confronted with that gun. Charlie was always such a curious child. He couldn’t leave things be. He was always asking questions and was so inquisitive. I should have known that Charlie would be drawn to my gun. If I had thought of what I was doing he’d still be alive today, but Charlie was gone now.
Charlie had loved Christmas. Christmas was his favorite holiday. He loved the pretty packages and decorations. He loved everything about Christmas. He would always be smiling and giggling. He would talk of how Christmas was such a magical time of the year, and how very special the holiday was. God Charlie… What I wouldn’t give to spend just one more day with my son… One more day to tell him I love him, one more day to hold him closely, one more day to talk with him and tuck him into bed at night. One more day to tell Charlie how very sorry I am for not protecting him like I should have… All I would need is one more day. Life is too short and we often take so many things for granted. If someone would have come to me and told me Charlie was going to die by my gun I would never have believed them because in our minds we are immortal. We often think that nothing could ever happen to us or those we love. Ignorance is bliss, or so I used to think. How much a fool I was. If I knew then what I know now…life would be so much different.
My son would be a teenager now. If he were still alive he’d probably be asking me all sorts of questions about girls and how to impress them. He would probably be into sports…baseball maybe. He’d have lots of friends and he’d be a happy child. There were so many things my wife and I had planned for Charlie before he even was born. Isn’t it funny how parents have such high aspirations for their children? Isn’t it funny how parents don’t think of how short life actually is? When you look at your child as he is growing up you don’t think that he could die tomorrow. You just don’t think about it. Sure you’re afraid and scared when your child goes out into the world and you worry…a parent is always worried about their child. I think that’s just an instinctive thing. In your mind you see that child living a full life and making it to adulthood…unfortunately, that isn’t always the case and once you lose that child, no matter what age they are, their absence leaves an emptiness in your heart and a scar on your soul…
Jack rubbed his eyes as he focused on the tree before him seeing an image suddenly superimpose over that tree. He saw an image of Charlie looking at him and smiling. Was this real or was he just imagining that Charlie now stood before him? Jack felt his breath catch in his throat as he stretched one very shaky hand towards that image. His son’s angelic face seemed to be hovering before him just out of reach. Jack couldn’t stop himself from reaching out. As his hand grabbed empty air his spirits fell once again. The image wasn’t real. He had just conjured Charlie up in his mind because he missed his little boy so much. Charlie was gone and he would never return. No more smiles for daddy, no more hugs for mommy. No more giggling and telling silly stories, no more playing catch in the backyard. No more…gone, it was all gone. God how he still missed Charlie.
Jack picked a small pillow off of his couch and pulled it to his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around the little pillow, holding and clutching it against him, remembering how it felt to hug his little boy and hold him so close. Oh God, he was going to cry! Shit! He closed his eyes as he allowed the memories to fill him once more. With Christmas always came those memories unbidden into his mind of Charlie, his sweet little boy. No matter how hard he tried not to think of his son on the holidays he always was unsuccessful. Charlie always came to him on the eve of Christmas day as if to remind him of what he had lost all those years ago. He could feel the first rush of tears pooling in his eyes, perching at the edges of his lids, threatening to spill over. He tried to hold those tears back. He really didn’t want anyone to see him crying on what was supposed to be one of the happiest nights of the year. All around the world people were laughing and partying. They were spending time with their families and loved ones. They were attending church services and singing Christmas carols. Everyone was in a bustle preparing for tomorrow…the big day…December 25…Christmas day. But here he sat haunted by memories from a long ago past. A past that really wasn’t all that long ago.
Children weren’t supposed to die when they were young. A father shouldn’t outlive his own child. It just wasn’t right. Children should be able to grow up and experience life for themselves. They shouldn’t be dead at such a tender age. He was so young…too young to be shot. God, if only I had been more careful; if only I would have been in that room when Charlie picked up the weapon that ended his life. If only…
Jack lowered his head, pressing his chin into the small pillow still gripping it firmly against his body as the first onslaught of tears slid down across his cheeks. He didn’t wipe them away. He simply allowed them to come: tears for his son and tears for his loss. He closed his eyes even tighter as he felt despair gripping at him. His son was gone now and there was nothing he could do except live with what had happened.
He sat there for the longest time just simply crying and holding onto a pillow as he once again attempted to deal with the loss of his only child. He lost track of how long he remained sitting on the couch. In fact he lost track of everything, for he didn’t even hear his lover enter the house until Daniel Jackson’s soft gentle voice lined in concern came to him, “Jack? Jack, are you all right?”
Jack heard him but he didn’t acknowledge him, for the memories of Charlie held him captivated. He was faintly aware of the cushion beside him suddenly dipping as Daniel sat down. As a gentle hand slid onto his right shoulder he inhaled sharply. Daniel spoke again only this time his voice was lined with understanding, “Jack, I’m here for you. I know how you’re feeling…”
He struggled to respond to his lover. His throat now ached from attempting to hold back his tears. He kept his eyes closed as he found his voice and muttered so low that Daniel barely heard him, “How could you possibly understand, Daniel?”
He fell completely silent as he listened to Daniel’s gentle breathing. He focused on the hand still pressed against his shoulder. He could feel the warmth and tenderness in that hand, and he drew great comfort and strength from the simple touch.
They sat in silence for several long minutes. Jack quickly noticed that Daniel was now completely silent. What was wrong with Daniel? Why was he suddenly so quiet? He was ready to question his lover when Daniel finally spoke even softer than he had before, “How could I not understand Jack? I lost my parents when I was still a kid. For years I dreaded the holidays, especially Christmas. I used to sit for hours wondering why everyone was so excited about a single day. To me Christmas was just another ordinary day. Before my parents…moved on I loved Christmas but after that, after I was left all alone in the world, the holidays just didn’t seem as important to me…not until I met you, Jack. You are my family now.”
Jack took a moment to think of what Daniel just said. Daniel was a lot like him. They both shared a lot of common experiences, and they both had lost loved ones in the past. Daniel probably did understand him very well, for Daniel grew up without his mother and father. He lost his parents at a very young age, just as he had lost Charlie when his boy was very young. Life could be mighty cruel to a person and spared no expense in Daniel’s or his case. Jack drew a lot of comfort from Daniel’s simple words. He sighed as he felt Daniel’s arms gently wrap around him and pull him close. He willingly went into the warm embrace leaning his head against Daniel’s chest where he could listen to the man’s heartbeat. He cleared his throat trying to keep his tears at bay as he questioned, “How do you deal with the memories?”
“The memories Jack? I cherish them because if those memories still fill my mind then I know that my parents aren’t forgotten. The memories are sometimes very painful to deal with, but seeing my parents once again and remembering how it felt to be held by them, to be loved by them is one of the best gifts those memories bring… My parents are gone Jack, and they have been gone for a very long time. The memories are a blessing for me. The memories are all I have left of my parents, so I cherish them no matter how horrid they might be.”
Jack inhaled sharply closing his eyes as he listened to the steady thrumming of his lover’s heart beating beneath his ear. He commented, “I miss him Danny. I miss him so much it hurts. It isn’t fair.”
He curled up against Daniel more as his lover pulled him closer and held him tighter. Daniel added, “No it isn’t fair, but we can’t change what has happened. We can only move on with our lives and try to learn from our experiences. My parents used to tell me that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason at the time, but we will eventually discover that everything is somehow connected. There is a purpose to everything that occurs in our lives…”
“Do you really believe that?”
“Yes Jack. I do.”
Jack smiled in response to Daniel’s answer. He liked that idea. Everything happens for a reason and is somehow connected. Charlie’s death seemed so senseless, but as he thought of Daniel’s words he started to wonder… What if his son never would have died? His life would be so very different then it is now. He would have never joined the SGC, never met Sam or Teal’c and never met the love of his life. He was happy and content with Sara, but Daniel was the one he truly loved. If his son hadn’t died then he would have never met Daniel Jackson. As that thought entered his mind he swore he heard the faintest sounds off in the distance…giggling and singing…Charlie was singing. Was he imagining it or was Charlie watching over him and protecting his daddy? As the room filled with silence Jack was sure that he had just been imagining things but then Daniel commented, “Christmas is a very special time of the year, Jack. It’s a magical time of year. Christmas is a time for miracles. I’m sure that Charlie would want you to remember that.”
Jack’s heart soared in response to Daniel’s comment, for he was sure Charlie had just sent him a message through his lover. He never really believed in miracles or magic, but tonight he suddenly did. As he started to drift asleep he replied, “Merry Christmas, Danny. I love you.”
“I love you too. Merry Christmas, Jack.”
As sleep wrapped around him, Jack heard the angelic voice of his son once more speaking to him, “I love you, daddy. Be happy and Merry Christmas.” He was sure that voice was just in his mind but what he didn’t realize was that Daniel heard that voice too. Daniel’s eyes soon drifted closed and sleep also claimed him.
Neither man saw the shimmering light fading into the Christmas tree or the little boy with the angelic face smiling broadly as he looked upon the two men holding onto one another. Yes, his dad would be fine now. He could move on and join the host of heavenly angels who were awaiting his return…
Charlie loved Christmas. In fact, it was his favorite holiday. He would always be smiling and giggling. He would talk of how Christmas was such a magical time of year and how very special the holiday was…
**The End**
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