†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† My Heart Canít Take It†††
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† By:† Stacy L.†††
TABLE FIC PROMPT:† 067. Nervous (100moods)
SEASON/SPOILERS:† Season 10† ďUnendingĒ
ďYou better not be messing with meÖĒ
Because my heart canít take itÖ
I lay myself out bare before you and dare to venture once more into uncharted territory. Iím no prize. I have a terrible track record when it comes to relationships, but I dare to consider once more spending a lifetimeÖwith you. Weíve played the game for a long time: the flirting, the chase and yes even the courting though I was foolish enough to convince myself that I felt nothing for you. It was easier that way, itís always easier that way because then I donít have to risk anything. If I dare to allow you in even the tiniest bit I give you power over me, and I dare to put my heart on the line. Itís safer to maintain distance, to keep thwarting your every advance, to turn you down at every turn. Itís so much safer for me and for you.
After Shaíre I swore to never get involved with another. If I dared to get serious with someone then I feared that inevitably they would be doomed, for those who risk loving me often risk their very lives to be with me. I have suffered many losses throughout my lifetime, and I donít believe I can do it again. I donít believe I could survive the loss of another I love, for I fear it will destroy me.†††
As I stand here before you now I shake my head as again we play the game, and again I push you away. As my feelings and emotions lead me into confusion I become determined to keep you away, for I know that Iím weakening. Iím daring to consider being with you, if only for a moment. I find myself drawn to you and wanting to give in to the temptation you always bring to me and just as quickly my fear returns. I feel my protective walls go up and my defenses kick in. Before I can stop myself Iím telling you no, telling you that we could never be, telling you to get away from me, telling you to stay away from me. Iím determined now to drive you permanently away, for then I will be safe, my heart will be safe once more.
As I turn my back to you I feel my hatred of myself stirring, for I know I was very cruel in my attempts to thwart you. As I hear the softest sniffle my heart feels as if it is breaking in two as I realize I have hurt you. Immediately I try to deny it again snapping at you cruelly before turning to gaze upon you. Your bowed head and inability to look at me drives a stake into my heart and without thought I rapidly approach you gently urging you to look at me, silently pleading with you to forgive me.
As you turn abruptly from me my heart breaks further and I feel the fear within only increase for I know that if I surrender to you now Iím not only sacrificing my heart, but my very soul. When I love itís for keeps. I canít handle one brief moment in time when out of desperation you seek me to stall your boredom. I canít handle one brief moment when you turn to me silently asking me for the one thing I swore never to give to another. Yet you continue to pursue, to tear down my walls, walls I had built so very long ago. If this is a fling it will destroy me. If I surrender to you that which you desire only to discover there is nothing serious in your actions I will be broken again. Hell Iím already broken, but you now hold the power to destroy meÖonly Iím not certain you realize that yet.
I softly urge you to look at me knowing the risk, the danger Iím about to enter into, and as you quietly tell me to give you a minute I find that my decision is made. Silently I urge you to look at me again and wait expectantly for you to comply with the unvoiced request. When you hesitate I reach up to gently touch your face turning it towards me and feel my breath hitch as my fear increases before leaning in to capture your sweet lips in mine daring to take that dangerous step once more.
As I kiss you deeply I feel myself quaking in fear though I try to keep a tight rein on it. As I feel the spark that ignites between you and I my mind throws out one more warning bell to not allow this to go much further. I pull back and in a shaky voice lined with nervous laughter and so much fear I utter seven words that are meant to tell you how vulnerable I am, to stop you if youíre not as serious as I. Those seven little words serve as my warning to you, as my confession to you that if I open myself up to you, if I let you in donít you dare hurt me because my heart just canít take it. If you donít feel the same way as I then please donít play games with my heart. Walk away. Leave me, for I will be much better off in the end.
Gazing deeply into your eyes I search for the truth of your feelings and as I recognize them I find myself leaning in to claim your lips once moreÖand as the kiss deepens between us I again find the courage to dare to love again.†††
††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ** The End **†††
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