Personal Sacrifice
Part 8
By: Stacy L.
NATURE'S HEALING TOUCH
Is There Any Peace in a Brutal World?
Daniel entered the bath after finally being granted permission to do so. He quickly bathed trying to ignore the constant anguish in his back that made bathing a challenge for him. Once he was finished he dried himself off then tugged on his robe. He reported to My'la and she locked him in his chastity belt again. Once done she urged him to lie down on the bed and proceeded to rub a healing ointment into his damaged back. She then rubbed oil into his legs, massaging his body and humming softly. She had discovered quite by accident that when she hummed the sound of her voice relaxed Daniel further. She knew that he was in pain and knew that by humming she could help soothe and calm him further. When she was completed with her task she gently patted Daniel's arm telling him to rise. He did so then thanked her. He watched her leave realizing that he was alone in the bedchamber again. He stood in the room for only a few moments before he decided to do some exploring...on his own and without permission being granted by his master.
As Daniel walked through the halls he found that he was glad to be away from Osiris. He was still feeling very alone and so very trapped but was thankful the snake wasn't breathing down his neck. Osiris had been satisfied with his pathetic begging for forgiveness enough that he decided to allow his servant some time to himself...or rather he had things he needed to tend to so he'd left his servant alone. He knew that to leave their bedchamber was probably a mistake. Osiris would be so outraged when he saw that his servant failed to remain behind, but he couldn't stay there anymore. He was so close to screaming and collapsing in that room. He hated and despised that room...a beautiful room that served as his gilded cage. He needed to walk, to go somewhere other than that room so he left without a second thought or backward glance. As he walked down the halls he took the time to glance in several rooms pausing when he came to an open room that had several windows within. He drew to a halt just outside the door catching a brief glimpse of green and blue beyond that window. He swallowed hard feeling an urgent need to approach that window but hesitating. He continued to focus on the center window as his mind began an inner battle...
There were windows in the room...open windows...windows that looked out over the grounds. From his position he could just make out the faintest details in the green grass, the beautiful flowers and the magnificent sky just beyond those windows. He was torn between a desire to go to that center window and admire beauty he had been deprived of for so long or turning to leave. If he turned and walked away then he wouldn't feel the pain and longing that he knew was certain to accompany his turbulent feelings at the moment, but if he stayed...if he stayed he could see something that he longed to see for so many months...something he had touched ever so briefly when he attempted to run...something he desperately needed to see, to touch...to admire.
He continued to stare longingly at the windows frozen in his tracks wanting desperately to enter the room but feeling his collar hanging so heavily around his neck reminding him that he was not permitted to even be here. His collar felt like a dead weight keeping him pinned to the spot, balancing precariously on the edge...so close to nature, to the things he had often taken for granted until they were stripped, torn from him in an instant as the cold, golden walls rose above him, around him, trapping him in his own perfect gilded cage. He was so close, so close but...but yet so very far and he wanted to scream at the indignity, to reach out and grasp those things back to himself, to hold them greedily in his arms, refusing to let them go...
What should he do? He knew what he wanted to do but was moving to those windows worth the torment and anguish he would face...was it worth the longing he knew he would stir up within his own tattered soul? Could he handle being so close to nature yet unable to move beyond the iron walls that represented his prison? Was he willing to suffer through the anguish and torment that being so close to nature and yet so far from it would stir within him? Was he willing to take that risk, to take that chance just to get a glimpse of something denied him for so very long?
As he continued to stare at the windows he could feel the need to take that risk, to face the hurt and suffering that would fill his soul once he left the room. He was ready...he needed to see what nature had to offer. He needed to remember what it was like to look upon beautiful landscapes, to watch animals frolicking and water flowing in streams that meandered through a magnificent and wild countryside. Without further consideration he took his first step into the room and felt his heart jump into his throat...my God, he was scared...scared to look out the window, scared of what he would see, of what he would feel upon looking out that window. It had been so very long, too long... He needed to take the time to look at the planet that was now his own personal prison. Surely this planet had some beauty about it...surely in his dank, dark prison there was some little bit of beauty somewhere beyond the palace walls...somewhere.
Inhaling sharply Daniel took the last few steps that would lead him on a direct path to the window he so desperately wanted to peer out of. As he approached the window his breath caught. He froze only mere inches from the window struck by the magnificence and awe of nature...of something he had been denied for far too long. He swallowed harder as he allowed his eyes to roam across the beautiful sight before him. He hungrily took in every little detail, every little nuance of the magical place beyond his reach. Beyond the palace walls stood a huge mountain that seemed to tower over the valley and added enchantment to the image before him. Lush green hills seemed to roll on forever interwoven by trees scattered about adding quaintness to the view before him. He glanced beyond that mountain and felt his heart flutter in his chest...the sun...my God, the sun...there was sun? When was the last time he'd gazed upon a perfect sun? He continued to stare at the bright orange flaming ball of light set above that perfect blue mountain like a beacon. He could see the faintest of flashes before his eyes as the sun burned afterimages into his irises but he didn't give a damn. It had been too long, too long since he experienced the full glory of a brilliant ball of fire set in the midst of a perfect sky. He found himself remembering how warm the sun felt across skin. He remembered times past when the sun's heat burned his skin or warmed his body. He lifted his face upwards wanting the rays of that perfect sun to kiss his face yet again, needing the sun to reach out and caress him with its perfect rays.
He started to smile as he heard birds in the distance singing their little hearts out, filling the air with beautiful soft melodies that almost sounded like quiet lullabies as they caressed the air. He could remember watching the birds on Earth as they flew from tree to tree, built nests, reared their young...bathed in streams... He saw a bird fly towards the mountain that stood like a monument before the window and wondered how it would feel to fly so high. What if he could become that bird? He would be free, free to fly from his prison, free to explore the planet's secrets, free to do as he wished...he'd be free. Wouldn't it be amazing if he could transform himself into a bird? He would be able to fly with the wind, fly under the sun and spend hour after hour looking down upon the beauty this planet had to offer. God to feel the wind on his body, blowing across his skin, kissing his flesh and ruffling his hair carrying the warm fragrant scents of flowers and the forest on its back...without thought Daniel extended his right hand reaching towards nature wanting to touch it, to be a part of the brilliance of nature. As he raised his hand he stopped it in midair and allowed it to hover pressing as if against an invisible barrier. He sighed loudly and lowered his head feeling tears begin to prick the corners of each of his eyes.
Daniel shook his head sadly. He knew that it was bound to happen soon. He wanted so desperately to touch nature, to be outside in the sun, feeling the air against his face and the grass beneath his feet. He knew that by daring to approach the window he would bring a strong ache to his soul and a deep yearning. He should've turned away because now, now he would remember all that he was missing due to being trapped within the sinister walls of the palace that served as his cage. Without realizing it he left a choked cry escape from between his lips not aware of it until it filled the room and reminded him of all he would never be able to behold again. His despair threatened to close in on him and to trap him in a tiny little box with no light, no room and no chance for escape. God, why did he even come to this window? He should have never journeyed beyond his room. Never, but it was too late now and the yearning, the ache, filled his soul.
Osiris returned to the bedchamber wanting to speak with Daniel. Upon finding the room empty he searched for My'la who said she'd left him there. As he started his search for Daniel he became pissed. He was certain the man had attempted to escape again. He started to storm down the halls not looking for Daniel any longer for he was positive that the man had already run from the palace and was out there in those woods somewhere. Zeenan said give him freedom? Sarah said give him freedom? NO! NO! NO! He would not give the man freedom for every time he considered doing so the man disappeared again. Sarah tried to speak with him to tell him he was jumping to conclusions, but Osiris ignored her glancing angrily in the rooms as he passed.
As he glanced into one of the last rooms on his mad dash through the palace he drew to an abrupt halt just beyond the room. Had he seen...did he see Daniel in that room? Why would...? No. But he slowly backed up drawing to a halt right outside the door and quietly gasping in surprise. He had seen Daniel for the man stood at the window gazing out of it as if he were lost. He felt shame flood him as he realized that he was prepared to deny Daniel any chance to prove himself simply because he couldn't locate the man immediately. What had happened to allowing his servant more freedom? What had happened to allowing his servant to go where he wanted and do what he wanted? He suddenly realized that granting Daniel so much freedom was going to be so much harder then he had ever imagined. He was so used to restricting everything that his favored did. He was so use to maintaining complete control over the man that he was extremely hesitant to even give him a chance to become himself again. How could he be so heartless where his favored is concerned? He loved that man so much, yet he was afraid to allow the man to grow his own wings and become his sweet, beautiful, magnificent, independent, spirited self again. He really had a lot of work ahead, especially in the trust department. He had to learn to trust his favored instead of trying to keep the man's wings clipped indefinitely for fear he might fly away.
Osiris watched Daniel quietly observing him. The longer he watched his favored the more certain he became that Daniel wanted to go outside. He quietly approached the man stopping when Daniel lifted his right hand to the window reaching as if to touch the scenery beyond him. Osiris could feel his throat tightening up and an unusual ache in the vicinity of his host's heart. Longing that was what he was seeing in the man...a longing to touch nature, to be out in nature. When was the last time he permitted Daniel to go outside or took Daniel outside?
'Never.'
"Sarah..."
'Never. You have never allowed him to be outside. You have never taken him outside.'
Osiris shook his head sadly as he realized that she was telling the truth. He had never taken the man outside and the man had never asked to go outside... 'And why would he, My Lord? You have never granted him anything that he has previously requested. In fact, I don't believe he's ever asked you for anything. You have been neglecting his needs, My Lord...'
"Be silent."
Sarah smiled sadly and Osiris could almost visualize the lively woman shaking her head as she continued in a soft voice, 'you don't want me to be silent, My Lord. You want to know what Daniel is feeling and you know that I can help you to understand him better. He confuses you, this man you have come to love as much as I do. You don't understand him, and you don't know him.'
"Yes, I do."
'What you know you have taken from my memories but they are only memories. They tell you of a Daniel from several years ago. They tell you of a Daniel Jackson that existed before the Stargate was opened, before he met Jack O'Neill, before he became a member of SG-1, before he helped in the downfall of so many system lords...they tell you of a Daniel Jackson who existed before Amonet changed his life forever.'
"How do you know of Amonet?"
'I did not know anything of her until Daniel came to be with us. You have memories of Apophis' queen and you have knowledge of where his host came from, of whom his host was associated with before Apophis selected her to be a vessel for his beloved Amonet.'
"She was his wife, Sarah. Did you know that? The host of Amonet was our Daniel's beloved wife before she was selected to serve the serpent lord."
Sarah fell silent refusing to answer the question or even to reveal whether she knew that Daniel had married or not. She merely focused on Daniel. She could see the longing, the need within him. He was feeling trapped. He needed to be able to go where he wanted. He needed to go outside. She recalled a place Osiris had taken her several months ago and quickly suggested, 'The gardens...'
"What?"
'Take him to the gardens.'
"No. It would not be a good idea."
'Why because you don't want to trust him yet?'
"No. I just...no."
'Okay,' with that said Sarah fell silent again.
Osiris continued to watch Daniel feeling the depth of his favored's sorrow as the man suddenly hung his head and sighed heavily. His servant was very upset. Was his need to be out beyond the palace walls that great? As a choked cry of pain and despair slipped out of his servant's mouth Osiris moved without thought wanting to offer the man some comfort in his time of need. He approached, slipping behind Daniel before gently wrapping his arms around the man and pulling him back against him. As Daniel's back impacted with his chest Osiris could feel the man suddenly tense up as shudders traveled throughout his body. He ignored the reaction and reached out his right hand to encompass Daniel's still hovering right hand. He focused on Daniel as he spoke softly, "This planet is extremely beautiful, as are you my precious one. I was wondering...do you desire to be out there, to be outside?"
He could sense Daniel's sudden shock and feel the man inhale shakily. The man was actually a bit excited but just as quickly as he sensed that sudden need and want in the man Daniel went still in his arms again. Osiris sighed softly before quietly inquiring, "Why do you not ask me for those things that you desire, Daniel? If you wish to go outside then all you must do is ask. I cannot read your mind, precious one. You must tell me of those things that you require. I cannot grant you things if you do not voice to me what you have need of. I will not deny your requests as I sense you fear I will. I would like you to be happy here. Please ask me if you are in need of anything. All you need do is ask. Do not be so afraid to make requests of me."
Daniel said nothing only continued to stare out the window wanting desperately to ask Osiris to allow him outside but certain that after his latest escape attempt the Goa'uld lord would deny him anyway so he remained silent.
Osiris shook his head sadly realizing that Daniel would not ask him. He sensed that the man wanted to do so yet was too afraid to ask. He decided to push the issue by saying, "Come. I have something I would like to show you."
"No..."
Osiris could hear the desperation in that word that was muttered just above a whisper. He also noticed that Daniel made a grab for air and sensed that the man was trying to grab at nature. He felt an awful pain in his heart when he recognized Daniel's need and yearning to look upon nature with his own eyes. What did he do to this man, this man he loved with all his heart? Why hadn't he realized how desperately Daniel would need to be outside, to be given freedom? Why had he been so ready and so eager to deny Daniel every right the man had? He had stripped the man of his freedom and his rights in one fell swoop and now he was left with this man who was so afraid, so uncertain and so very close to the edge of that endless abyss. Daniel was so close to becoming lost and instead of seeing the indicators sooner he had ignored them and punished his favored for running, punished him for refusing to bathe himself, punished him for refusing to please himself for his lord and punished him for attempting to regain a small semblance of the person he once was.
Osiris crooned in Daniel's ear as he continued, "Please Daniel, come with me. I have something that I would like you to see."
"But you said..."
Osiris swallowed hard as he heard the faintest tinge of sadness in that voice. He continued, "Daniel, I want you to see this...I want to share this with you. Please. If you do not want to see it then at least come with me so that I can show it to you. When I am done if you desire to you may return to this window. Please Daniel?"
Daniel hung his head, clenching his eyes tightly shut as he nodded in agreement. Osiris felt the guilt within increase as he continued to notice how sad and upset his favored now was. He gently prodded, "Come. What I have to show you is this way."
Daniel followed feeling his heart breaking further as he was made to leave behind the window that gave him the opportunity to look upon nature. As he followed the Goa'uld lord he could feel his spirits continue to fall further and further. He trailed behind Osiris allowing him to lead him to wherever he wanted him to go.
After walking down several halls Osiris stopped and focused on Daniel. He said, "Here we are. What I would like to show you is just beyond these doors."
He noticed Daniel held his head low and gently lifted his face upward with his fingers before saying, "Come Daniel. I believe you have a deep need to see what is beyond these doors. I want you to look around at what I am about to show you. If you keep your head hung so low you will miss everything and I will become upset with you again. Please come with me."
Osiris took Daniel's hand in his own as he pushed open the doors. He led Daniel through the doors and down a set of ornate stairs. He heard no reaction out of Daniel until they reached the bottom of the stairway. Daniel gasped and Osiris risked a small peek at the man by his side. He smiled to himself as Daniel glanced from left to right then back again before lifting his head up and closing his eyes a small smile spread across his facial features. Osiris allowed him some time to just take in the warm breezes, the sun and the sounds. Daniel then focused on him before asking so softly that Osiris had to strain to hear, "Can...can I...?"
His voice trailed off disappointing Osiris as he realized that Daniel was indeed afraid to request anything of him. He answered the unfinished question, "Yes...these are the palace gardens, Daniel. I have several servants who keep the plants watered and keep the garden weeded... Come I have something else to show you. You must see this sight to believe it. It is a beautiful place. I showed it to Sarah several months ago. Come."
Daniel obeyed, following Osiris walking extremely slowly as he still couldn't believe that he was actually outside...outside...my God, he was outside, finally...not looking out through a window. He was actually outside. He felt suddenly giddy but quickly pushed those feelings down inside as he followed Osiris.
They meandered through flowers, rose bushes, ferns and trees until Osiris stopped him right before a huge fern with leaves so big that they blotted out whatever was beyond. Osiris looked at him with a silly grin on his face as he said, "You will love what I am about to show you. I am certain."
He watched the Goa'uld lord feeling a bit nervous. He watched as Sarah's small dainty hand reached out to grasp the fern leaf so tenderly before pulling it back to reveal what lay beyond the huge plant. Daniel could only stare at the image before him. He blinked his eyes several times uncertain whether he was really, truly seeing the beautiful waterfalls beyond. The bluest of water stretched out before them, the pool where the waterfall deposited its water. The waterfall was centered between huge, lush green trees that looked like they came right out of a Brazilian rainforest. Sunlight stretched out, reaching down through the canopy adding a brilliant light to the base of the magnificent waterfall. At the base probably several feet in front of the falls were big gray boulders that formed sort of a cove with trees lining either side. The light from the sun cascading down over the falls mixed with the mists to create a small rainbow that reached from the falls to the nearby trees. He could almost imagine dolphins jumping high out of the water in the midst of playing. The sight was breathtaking.
Osiris smiled as he noticed Daniel's admiration of the beauty before him. He then thanked Sarah for suggesting the gardens and apologized for his refusal to consider bringing Daniel here earlier. He watched Daniel for several more minutes before telling him that he had some things that needed to be done and he'd be back shortly. He wasn't sure if Daniel even heard him and was a bit nervous about letting the man out here alone but was determined to give Daniel some space and some time to admire the beauty the gardens had to offer. He headed towards the doors that led to the garden and took a seat on one of the benches. Daniel was completely out of his sight and Osiris was determined not to get up and check on the man until some time passed.
It wasn’t long before Osiris went in search for Daniel wondering where the man had wandered. He searched several areas of the gardens before coming to a halt. There before him was Daniel Jackson. The man was staring intently at a bright red rose. Osiris watched him spell bound as Daniel reached out to touch one of the petals so gently with his fingertip. Daniel appeared transfixed by the beauty of a single red rose. Osiris saw a soft smile form on the man's lips as he leaned forward to smell the rose.
Daniel continued to walk through the gardens admiring the beauty of the place and the chance to be outside of palace walls. He continued to walk stopping as his eyes took in a huge red rose bush. He approached it and stared at it in awe. He noticed that the roses were small and dainty. Their satiny petals were open to the remaining sun. He reached out wanting to touch the rose forgetting how one felt beneath his fingers. The rose looked so tender, like it would fall apart if handled too roughly. He pressed a fingertip to the rose feeling its satiny petal under his touch and staring deep inside. A single red rose was beautiful to his eyes. When was the last time he had seen a rose? When was the last time he had seen anything of nature other than views from windows?
Daniel continued to examine the rose allowing his mind to wander. As he continued to gaze across its beauty he began to feel a kinship with that rose. He was just like it...tender, gentle, precious...or so Jack had told him. Like that rose he was alone, alone and trapped. The rose had an inner beauty all its own...he had at one time also exhibited inner beauty... He was now like a rose before it has opened. His beauty was trapped in this tiny little box, like a rosebud it was hidden from the harshness of reality. The rosebud shielded the center of the rose keeping it safe until it was time to open and show itself to the world. When the time was right the bud would start to unfurl revealing layer upon layer of satiny red petals until the rose was completely exposed and the center stood proudly adding magnificence to the simple creation...but a rose was also deceptive in its beauty for beneath it the stems were covered with thorns...the thorns and leaves surfaced before the flower. If a rose was stripped bare then all that would remain was the thorny bush minus its crimson wonders...he too had been stripped bare, stripped to the core. Like the thorn bush he no longer bore flowers, for Osiris had crushed the beauty and wonder that had made him who he was. His spirit was all but defeated, trapped in a cold, lonely prison covered with thorns. He was that rose after it crumpled, after it shriveled in on itself, turned brown, then black before it died and dropped off of the bush leaving behind a barren center that was no longer bountiful.
He tugged the precious little bud to his nose smelling the sweet aroma and closing his eyes against his stark, harsh reality...like this rose he too would completely lose his beauty if he hadn't already. Once it was gone he would never be whole again. He would be as wasted as a dried out rose petal that blew away, carried by the wind to be deposited in some far off, neglected, unknown place and like that dried out rose petal he would remain there and start to break down returning to dust while losing what still remained of his precious soul and spirit. Like that wilted rose petal he would be crushed beneath an onslaught of brutality and neglect. He would be unable to ever return for from dust he was created and to dust he would return and like that beautiful rose that stood so glorious upon the bush for all to see he would vanish never to return again for a single red rose bloomed but once and when its expectancy wore off and those precious velvety petals wilted that single rose would disappear and be replaced by another flower. Every rose was unique and lived but once...when it was destroyed, so was its beauty.
He closed his eyes against the thoughts that echoed through his mind. Why was he always wallowing in this endless sea of despair and sadness? His life was a struggle and each day became harder than the previous to survive. His spirit cried out every single day and every single night against the injustices that were wrought on it daily. He cried out along with his soul wanting desperately for someone to fight off his demons, free him from his nightmare and wrap him in love. He had always thought that Jack would be that one person who could save him but he was no longer certain that Jack could even stand to glance his way any longer. He was tainted now...tainted and marked as someone else's, someone he did not love or ever would...trapped by someone who would never let him go.
He opened his eyes as he continued to look at the precious little rose now resting against his fingers. Its beauty was immeasurable and timeless. Its beauty was so perfect yet so fragile and so easy to mar...just like him. When Jack had said he was beautiful, he was special, he was precious and perfect what did he mean? Whatever possessed him to utter those words to him? He wasn't beautiful, he sure as hell wasn't precious and he was far from perfect. Jack had been crazy to even suggest that he could even match up to those characteristics. He was far from beautiful. He was ugly, scarred and useless...he was worthless...
He jerked his head up as he heard the approach of someone and as his captor appeared he felt his momentary calmness disappear. As he looked upon the face of the host Osiris now inhabited he saw something familiar in that face and found himself speaking softly before contemplating what was so different about that face, "Hello Sarah."
"Hello Daniel. It's been a long time..."
"So where's your companion?"
"Osiris is resting. He has permitted me to visit with you."
"Why would HE do such a thing, Sarah?"
Sarah remained silent watching the quiet, bitter man whom she now loved with all her heart. As she focused on Daniel's face she could see that he was colder than she remembered. She spoke with him before when Osiris permitted but failed to closely examine the man she loved with all her heart. Now as she looked upon his face she could see a coldness and bitterness within him that he had never exhibited before. She was saddened by the observation. She approached him and gently placed her hand to the side of his face feeling her heart breaking when Daniel flinched and jerked from her touch as if she bit him. Sarah calmed her voice as she answered Daniel's last question, "Because he is concerned about you, Daniel. He is worried and he doesn't understand you."
"What's not to understand?"
"You have changed Daniel. You have changed a lot since I've...since we have both met you. He knows of the person you were and he can see who you now are."
"Oh and he doesn't like the image? Well, that's just too damned bad...tends to happen when someone traps you, forces you to become their damned lap dog and treats you like a possession, Sarah."
"This anger is so unlike you, Daniel..."
"So unlike me, Sarah? I'm no longer the man you knew. I've changed...I've been changed by him, Sarah. I'm no longer who I was and I hate who I now am."
Sarah shook her head sadly as she continued, "Perhaps I should have Zeenan keep an eye on you..."
"I don't need a fuckin' watch dog Sarah! I need a life! I need my life back!"
"Daniel, why can you not accept the life you now have? There is no going back. You must forget Earth and forget Jack. There is nothing for you back on Earth. Your life is here, Daniel. This is your life and will be for the rest of your days..."
"NO!"
"Daniel, you cannot fight your destiny..."
"My destiny doesn't involve him! It doesn't involve Bursiris and it doesn't involve indentured servitude!"
"Daniel..."
Daniel lowered his voice as he continued, "Sarah, do you see this rose?"
Sarah looked at Daniel in confusion uncertain as to what exactly he meant by that question. Daniel shook his head before muttering, "Never mind. If I tell you then you tell him and he'll never let me out of his sight again. Sarah, just...just go...I...I need to be alone right now."
"No. Daniel I want to speak with you. You seem as if you need someone to talk to and we used to be close..."
"Sarah, you're no longer you. You will never be yourself again...not with him inside of you."
"Daniel, he doesn't hurt me. He no longer feels the need to suppress me. He allows me to be who I am and I allow him to be who he is. We relate to one another, we speak with one another and we have become...friends."
"Friends? Sarah, do you know anything about the Goa'uld and what they do to people? What they do to planets?"
"Yes, Daniel but Osiris is not like the others...not anymore. Even you should know that. Even you should have realized that he is no longer as evil and as sinister as he once was. Do you know who inspired the changes in him, Daniel? Do you know who is responsible for helping him to see that there is more then one answer to things? You...you have invoked these changes within him and you have made him feel things he is not used to feeling. Daniel...you have succeeded in making Osiris care for you. He cares for you more than he cares for himself. Daniel he would do anything for you."
"Then tell him to set me free. Tell him to let me go."
"He will do anything but that Daniel. He is afraid of losing you. He doesn't want to face a life without you. You have become a necessity in his life and because of this need for you he will never release you though you desperately desire your freedom back. Daniel, just give him a chance."
"Sarah please don't speak on Osiris' behalf..."
"Daniel, you're heading down a dangerous destructive path. You need to realize that there is no returning to Earth and if there is even a slight chance it will not happen for several months. You have to do your best to deal with and accept the life you are now leading. Neither of us want to lose you, Daniel, but you are heading down a path of destruction and we cannot figure out just how we can rescue you."
"Then don't rescue me. Don't try to save me. Let me go."
"Daniel, you do not understand just how hard it is to do that. You don't even realize how much you influence others. You have never realized it. Neither of us could stand by and watch you destroy yourself Daniel. You are far too important, far too special to let go. Death is not the answer for you Daniel..."
"Sarah, go away...please. I appreciate the pep talk but just...go away. Please."
"Daniel..."
"Please Sarah..."
Sarah lowered her head upset and angry that Daniel refused to listen to her and hear her out. She sighed saying, "Very well but this conversation is far from over Daniel."
She then left Daniel in the gardens alone. When they entered the palace Osiris spoke, "He would not listen to your words, little one?"
'You should be asleep. You told me that you were resting.'
"I was...but I awoke when I felt your intense sadness. Sarah, what has he said that has hurt you so?"
'He told me to leave. He told me to go away.'
Sarah inhaled shakily as she felt warmth inside her wrapping around her as if to comfort her and knew that feeling came from Osiris. He was actually attempting to comfort her. She shook her head amazed at the changes Daniel invoked within Osiris. She smiled sadly as she continued, 'He said he needed to be alone. He wouldn't allow me to help him.'
"Relax, little one. You must calm yourself. He is having some difficulty adjusting to this life. We can only try to make the adjustment better for him."
'He hasn't even attempted to adjust, My Lord...'
"He will."
'We should tell Zeenan to keep an eye on him.'
Osiris smiled as he replied, "He already is, little one."
'You told him to...'
"No. He has become very protective of Daniel. I have no need to tell him to watch Daniel for he does so on his own. Zeenan has grown rather fond of Daniel."
'How can you be so sure?'
"Did you not see the concern, the fear and the worry in Zeenan's eyes when Daniel was recaptured after his last escape attempt? He wanted to speak on Daniel's behalf but remained silent not wanting to anger me further."
'I see.'
"Come let us check on the workers. We will leave Daniel to himself for some time."
'My Lord I'm not so sure that is wise.'
"Do not fear so, little one. Zeenan will check on Daniel."
'But he doesn't even know where Daniel is.'
"He will find him. He always does."
* * * *
Daniel listened to Sarah leaving wanting to scream and run but resisted the urge. Instead he returned his gaze to that single rose bud he had been contemplating before the disruption. He no sooner focused his attention on the rose than he heard the silent approach of another. Without turning around he said, "Hello Zeenan."
"How did you know...?"
"Because you're never far from me. You were listening to our conversation, weren't you?"
"I only heard a little..."
"Be honest."
"I am being honest, Daniel. I only heard the last few exchanges. I do not make it a habit to spy on you. I only check on you to make certain that you are not in need of anything and that you are safe."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry? You do not yet know me as well as you think you do..."
Daniel smirked as he answered, "Oh I believe I know you better then you realize. You're so much like my friend..."
"Your Jaffa friend?"
Daniel only nodded as he continued to contemplate the fragility of a single red rose. He remained silent, aware that Zeenan now stood beside him and was observing him. Zeenan didn't interrupt his thoughts though. The Jaffa was rarely invasive. Daniel knew that he kept an eye on him and that he often would observe him but Zeenan never intruded on his privacy or invaded his personal space. Zeenan was very respectful towards him. As he continued to contemplate the rose before him he spoke so softly that he was certain he didn't voice the thought, "Do you see this rose?"
Zeenan leaned towards Daniel to get a better view of the dainty rose he was touching so tenderly. He then focused on Daniel's face watching the man and waiting for him to continue. Daniel prompted by the silence added, "I was once like this rose...well, at least, that's what Jack always said...he said that I was beautiful, that I was special...he said that I was the most selfless person he'd ever known...he used to tell me that I shone like a star in the night and that I was so unaware of my beauty...not just your physical beauty, love, no...you are beautiful on the inside...on the inside, Daniel. You have the most beautiful heart and soul...you think with your heart, you feel everything...you are the heart and soul of this team, Daniel...your inner beauty shines so brightly that all those who look upon you know that by meeting you they have met someone special... He...he would say that my smile could add light to any darkness and that I could tame even the wildest of creatures. He used to get so angry with me when I would go against him. He said I had a strong will and was stubborn as hell. He said that I could do anything if I put my mind to it..."
He felt his throat tense up as the need to cry filled him but he shed no tears. Instead he leaned forward to smell the rose he was so focused on. He then continued, "Jack said a lot of things that weren't true..."
Zeenan could feel the depth of Daniel's suffering in his words and knew that Daniel needed to talk and for some reason Daniel selected him. Whether it was because the young man trusted him or simply because there was no one else around Zeenan didn't know but he would listen. He spoke softly as he asked, "What else did your Jack say about you, Daniel?"
Daniel fell silent for a moment as if contemplating before he continued, "Do you know he would stay up late into the night just watching me? He didn't like to go to sleep before me because he wanted to watch me drift asleep in his arms. He would hold me so close and kiss me tenderly...on the forehead, my cheeks, my nose...my lips...sometimes he'd kiss the hollow of my throat...he would spend hour upon hour just...watching me. I never understood why. He would tell me that he was such a lucky man to have found me and that I meant the world to him. He would say that he loved me and tell me how wonderful I was...tell me how important I was..."
Zeenan watched as Daniel suddenly wrapped his arms around his body as if to protect himself. He cocked his head to the side wondering if he was now seeing the real Daniel Jackson. Something told him that wrapping his arms around himself was a common thing for Daniel. He was awe struck by the unfamiliar gesture but it seemed so natural. Was this one of Daniel's ways of protecting and shielding himself? Was this one of his ways of nurturing himself and comforting himself? He was certain that Daniel was showing himself at his most vulnerable state and he felt his respect for the man increase. If Daniel felt comfortable enough to share such a thing with him then he must trust him a little bit.
Zeenan quietly asked, "Tell me about your Jack..."
"Jack? You want to hear about Jack?"
"Yes...unless..."
Daniel shook his head as if to dismiss Zeenan's hesitancy. He then continued, "Jack is actually quite different from me. We met when I deciphered the gate and...and opened it up for the people of Earth. He was in the service, military...me...I was just an archaeology professor with some crazy ideas about the pyramids of Ancient Egypt serving as alien landing sites...people thought I was crazy...crazier than a loon...but I had found proof of my theories and if you know me...I'm stubborn as hell."
Zeenan nodded listening to Daniel's words surprised that the man was actually revealing some things about himself. He listened as Daniel continued, "I met a woman who wanted to show me the gate...I deciphered the glyphs and figured out how to make it work. Our first trip was to..."
"Abydos?"
"Yes...where I met my wife...we were married only a year before...before Apophis destroyed our lives and stole her...we spent the next several years searching for her and exploring planets. I guess somewhere along the line Jack and I came to realize that our friendship ran deeper then that...love...we loved one another...we became lovers...kept it secret...it's a crime to love a man on Earth...especially if you're in the military."
"A crime to love a man? You have strange laws Daniel."
Daniel chuckled as he responded, "Yeah that's what my friend said when he learned of the law too."
"I see."
"Zeenan...why did you become Osiris' First Prime? Did you have a choice or..."
"I served under Yu's legion for a time before hearing of Osiris' return. Yu participated in some things that I did not agree with so I left his service and traveled to Bursiris...I became a guard in Osiris' legion. He kept his eye on me and selected me to become his new First Prime. He said that I had potential and that I had something that the others seemed to lack. I graciously accepted the new title and proudly wear Osiris' seal upon my forehead."
"He's not a god you know. He's a false god. He's a parasite within a human being."
"The woman he now shares his life with...she was your lover correct?"
Daniel flushed with embarrassment as he broke eye contact with the First Prime. Zeenan spoke softer, "I am sorry, Daniel. It is none of my concern."
Daniel simply nodded his head and remained silent for several long minutes before adding, "Her name is Sarah...Sarah Gardner. She...we went to college together...worked under the same professor and...became involved..."
"I see."
"She's not the same person she used to be. She's changed as well. Osiris allows her to speak freely but she...she's different."
"How so?"
"Well for one she allows him to punish me without saying a word or trying to help...she allows him to humiliate me...she..."
"Perhaps she has tried but there is not much one can do when they share their life with a god."
"False god."
Zeenan fell silent again. Daniel glanced at him before saying, "Why do you care?"
“What do you mean, Daniel?"
"Why do you care...for me?"
"Because you have become my friend and I greatly respect you."
"Why would you respect me? There's nothing to respect."
Zeenan shook his head as he continued, "Daniel, how can you not realize just how strong you are? How can you not realize your importance? How can you not realize your own potential?"
"Strong? I'm not strong. I'm a weak fool who follows the whims of another to protect planets from being destroyed..."
Zeenan gently cupped Daniel's face between his hands as he responded, "You are so much stronger than you realize, Daniel Jackson."
"Right..."
"It is true..."
Zeenan approached a tree as he said, "Do you see this tree? I believe you can associate it with the strength of your Earthly oaks...you are like this tree. You are strong and tall. You shine like a star as your Jack has said. You have great power within you yet you do not even realize it. You have changed people and have helped others to find their way. You have changed Osiris and made him better. You stand up to every challenge and face it head on..."
"No I run like a coward and retreat as far as I can out of sight."
"Young one, you are much too critical of yourself...much, much too critical."
"No I'm just honest. You compare me to that tree and I have more in common with this rose."
"One cannot deny that you are a beautiful creature."
"No, I'm not beautiful...I'm like this rose...fragile, easily damaged, easily destroyed...I have nothing left of my soul except shattered pieces that I spend hours and hours frantically retrieving in an effort to glue back together and save myself...only the glue doesn't work so I have to use tape and patch the pieces back in place. A patch here and a patch there to hold what's left of me together...and like that patchwork of broken shards I am weak and easily breakable. I can barely keep myself together and fight daily to keep the tattered remains from shaking and falling...I'm balancing on the edge of an endless chasm clinging desperately to the tiniest of roots trying to hang on and not fall. I don't want to be swallowed up in that never-ending darkness yet with each passing day, with each passing violation by my master against my body and mind I slip just a bit more towards that blackness and the root snaps and cracks, groaning against my weight threatening to break in the next instant and plunge me into that endless nothingness where I would exist but not be alive...I'd be this empty shell, a robot who only trudges on feeling nothing, seeing nothing only doing what I'm programmed to do... I'll kill myself before that happens...because life as a drone is no life at all."
Zeenan wasn't sure how to respond to those words all he knew was that he needed to keep an eye on Daniel because the man sounded as if he were heading down the road of full-blown depression. Daniel was so close to breaking in half. Zeenan had noticed before now just how close Osiris was pushing his favored towards the edge of despair. He hoped that by speaking with his lord and telling him of what he believed was wrong with Daniel that his lord would work on finding ways to restore Daniel's independence and restore his spirit to its fullness. Osiris was trying to make changes but Zeenan feared that he might already be too late, especially after hearing Daniel just now comparing himself to shattered glass and speaking of how he was hanging by a thread. Daniel even said that he would destroy himself if he became spiritless. Zeenan would have to watch the man and remind Osiris of what needed to be done.
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