What Did You Expect?
By:
bugchicklv
CATEGORY: Alternate Universe,
Humor
WARNINGS: Sexual Situations,
Language, Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, Spanking, Rimming, Masturbation and slight
power play
AUTHOR’S NOTES: I can't do
community links with WebTV (not that I have figured out how to do it anyway),
but for any of my flist who might be interested in
reading more of this AU team (SG-15: Col. Dave Dixon {ADAM!}, Lt. Col. John
Sheppard {newly promoted on SGA}, Dr. Rodney McKay, and Martouf
{the otherwise dead Tok'ra}), please do a search for
the sg_15 community. I HIGHLY recommend the fics there, and not just cause MOST of my friends have written
one (Ooooh! This makes my second one!). ALL of them
ROCK and some are so ruttin' HI-larious
I STILL find myself ROTFLMAO reading them MONTHS
later!
They tried everything they could think of to degrease the grill so that
John could cook the steaks. It was obvious that no one had used it in years.
"Well," Daniel said, "Jack was the last one to host a
barbeque."
"Ah, that explains it," stated Sam.
"Explains what?" asked Mitchell.
Teal'c responded: "I believe that Colonel Carter
is referring to the condition of the cooking device."
"An unhealthy method of preparing food. Do you
realize you'll release toxic and carcinogenic materials into your
atmosphere?" asked Martouf.
"Yeah, ain't it great?!" countered
SG-1 looked on in surprise as Sheppard, McKay, and Martouf
simultaneously hit the deck, covering their heads with their arms.
McKay lifted his head to peek around and asked, "Where'd he go? And does
anyone know if he carries any grenades when he's out of uniform?"
"I have a feeling he's always got grenades," answered
Sheppard.
Satisfied that no explosion was forthcoming, they got to their feet and dusted
themselves off.
"Oh. My. God!" stated a shocked McKay.
Both teams turned around to see
"Another little gift from Jack. Said I might need
it someday; looks like he was right!"
After a few moments, the bush was burned to dust and atop that dust lie one
completely degreased shiny grill.
"Never did like that bush anyhow," he stated and took a long drag on
his cigar.
Both McKay and Sheppard snickered; Martouf smiled.
Mitchell turned to the rest of SG-15 and said, "Life with you guys must be
like riding a roller coaster: Scary as HELL, but you can't wait to go 'round
again!"
"He looks so proud of himself," commented a confused Daniel.
"Should we say something?" asked Sam
Teal'c answered: "It would most likely hurt
Colonel Sheppard's feelngs and instill self doubt in
his abilities toward future culinary endeavors."
"And this would be a bad thing...because?" questioned Mitchell.
"Pretty boy's a might tetchy when it comes to stuff like that. Pouts alot. 'Sides, it can't be
THAT bad, right?"
Martouf looked at him as if he had grown another head
(and not a particularly useful one, at that), and muttered a Tok'ra blessing that he was a vegetarian.
Undaunted,
The rest of them (minus Martouf, still grateful he did't eat meat...well, that kind anyway) dutifully, if
reluctantly, lined up for their portions. They also returned to the table, but
all were so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Rodney, who was sitting next to John (and who wanted to continue having a sex
life) ate a piece of his steak with a wooden smile plastered on his face.
"Delithouth," he told his partner, mouth
full of food.
John smiled like he had just been chosen Miss SGC and tore into his own. McKay
took that moment to turn his head and unobtrusively spit the half masticated
meat into his napkin.
Sam leaned over to Daniel and whispered, "Mine is still smoking."
Daniel grimaced and continued trying to cut into his. He was only marginally
successful, but the piece was finally cut free only to fly off his plate and
hit Teal'c in the chest.
*eyebrow*
"I believe now is a good time to begin the sacred
"Which one?" asked a confused Martouf.
"The one I just started," came the reply.
Mitchell, much more successful at cutting his, began choking on the bite sized
morsel. Thankfully, Carolyn showed up at that exact moment and was able to
perform the Heimlich maneuver on him so that SG-1 wasn't short a team member
once again.
"Better late than never," she quipped.
For a moment, Sheppard looked ready to cry. Instead he shrugged, swallowed his
mouthful and said, "I guess I did overcook them a little. But Rodney kept
going on about E. Coli or somesuch,
so I just wanted to be sure. I hope I don't get my "Guy Card" revoked
because I can't grill well.
Rodney looked at him with something akin to contempt and sneered, "Gee,
thanks."
Still coughing, Mitchell looked around confused. "What?" he asked.
Sam couldn't help it; she started giggling.
Daniel was more helpful: "You mean you didn't know? They've been a couple
for quite a while."
Both John and Rodney smiled prettily.
A thoughtful, "Huh," was all Mitchell could manage. He turned to
"Ain't bad," he answered. "Meat is
meat. Hell, not everybody can be a GOURmet cook like
me."
"Riiiiiiight," offered Mitchell.
Martouf came to his defense with: "No, really.
He is an excellent chef. We never have to worry about taking many of those
military issue pre-packaged foods with us on missions. David is quite adept at
meal preparation," he continued adoringly.
Mitchell and Carolyn turned to each other and both silently mouthed,
"David???"
Mouth still full of steak,
"I always thought that a woman's way into a man's heart was through his
stomach," Sam stated. "Honestly, I would have thought you'd find some
lovely local girl to cook for you."
"And now we come to the heart of the matter. OF COURSE you would learn to
cook in order to satisfy your prodigous libido,"
Rodney sneered.
"Hey! Never heard you complain when it kept us outta
our tents on some of those off-world missions," he countered.
"We are indeed grateful," Martouf offered,
still smiling at him adoringly.
"We sure are," John snickered. "You do snore pretty loudly,
Colonel."
Marouf quickly denied it. "No, he does
not."
"He should know," Rodney commented snidely.
The Colonel smiled leacherously and waggled his
eyebrows. "Willin' is willin',"
he said and smacked Martouf on his behind as he stood
to clear some of the plates. "I gotta rep to
keep and a nickname to live up to."
Everyone else snickered and once again, Mitchell found himself asking,
"What?"
"Oh!
"Vala make take offense to that," Daniel
said with a smile.
""Intergalactic Ho"? God, and I thought
I had it bad with "Shaft"," said Mitchell.
Riotous laughter erupted. Mitchell looked around in amazement and joined the
laughter. "I don't think I have ever had a better time of almost dying."
"HA! We have great parties of our own...Shaft," promised Sam.
"Indeed," said Teal'c with what ACTUALLY
appeared to be a REAL smile. "The festivities celebrating your All Hallows
Eve are always my favorite."
Daniel blushed furiously and buried his head in his hands. "Please, no
body glitter, halos, or AC/DC this year," he muttered. "I don't think
I will ever live down that table dance."
Again, the people at the table were overcome with laughter. All but Mitchell,
who the reference was lost on; but he was momentarily lost in the wickedly
delicious imagery Daniel just provided. He missed Sam and Carolyn getting up to
start conspiring to plan this year's bash.
Mitchell shook his head to clear the naughty thoughts and placed his napkin on
his lap in order to hide his "Angel Daniel" inspired arousal.
Yeah, he thought. I think I am going to like it here!
McKay and Sheppard finished straightening and cleaning
"Here," Sheppard said as he tried to hand Rodney yet another gigantic
and heavy power tool.
"The closet's full, John," Rodney complained. "I don't think
anything else will fit in there."
Just then,
"While I do not care who knows, nor what they might think of, my
sexual orientation, John is very serious about his career. And, I might add, as
long as the policy is 'Don't ask; don't tell,' we won't be telling."
John chuckled, "Well, it is a career. I am not always so sure about the
'serious' part."
"Yes, well, anyway...you are certainly not one to talk, Colonel,"
McKay countered.
"See, that's the difference between you and me: I
ain't...fairy. Me? I am a sexual opportunist. My plough
ain't too picky 'bout where it's worked, 'cept the field's gotta be pretty...if ya know what
I mean," he said with a leer at Sam and another waggle of his brows.
"So, bar is open. I got 3 kinds of beers here...and some o' them fruity
things for the girls."
Carolyn gave him an odd look as both she and Sam bent down to pick up cans of
beer.
"Speak for yourself, Sir," said Sam as she
flicked out her switchblade, stabbed the side of the can, put it to her mouth,
popped the top and shotgunned it in less than 3
seconds flat. She belched loudly when she finished.
Rodney peered into the cooler. "Did you get any of the apple ones? You know
I like those," he whined.
"Hey, get me a watermelon one," yelled John from across the garage.
"See? For the girls,"
"Ha ha, Sir," came Sheppard's reply.
"Has anybody seen
Teal'c emerged from the kitchen where he had just
finished the dishes. "Indeed, I nave not. I do
not believe I saw him in the dining room as well."
"Nor the Master Bedroom," offered Martouf.
*eyebrow*
"...at least...not...earlier. I could always go look again of
course," Martouf sputtered as he hurried away
blushing.
Sam glared at the Colonel. "You are lucky that I like you, SIR."
"What, you jealous? Have at him Sammikins. I
think the snake prefers you anyway."
"Lantash and I...we have...a history," she
said defensively and shotgunned another beer.
"Ah, yes. I do believe I read that mission report after I noticed an anomoly during your last physical," commented Carolyn,
who also finished her beer.
"You know, you could always join us next time. Satisfy all interested
parties,"
"In your dreams, Sir."
"Yep. A couple of 'em," he replied
and loosed an emormous belch. It was Sam's turn to
nod and smile appreciatively at the outburst.
No one seemed to acknowledge Teal'c's "He is not
the only one to fantasize such." Most likely all were in shock, and didn't
KNOW what to say.
So, like Martouf, Sam blushed and muttered: "I
think I'll go help Martouf look for Daniel," as
she hurried into the house.
Carolyn moved a little closer to Teal'c as she
chugged another beer and then stated, "It appears that Colonel Mitchell is
also unaccounted for."
*appreciative eyebrow* Then he handed her yet another beer and answered,
"Indeed."
"Really?" John asked as he perked up and
looked significantly at Rodney.
Sam and Martouf re-entered the garage.
"No sign of him anywhere in the house," she offered. I also tried his
cell phone. No answer and I didn't hear it ring."
Martouf chimed in with: "His automobile is still
parked out front. I do not believe that he has departed."
As if on the same wavelength as the Colonel, Carolyn commented, "Well, at
least he is not injured or dead, else I would have gotten a call."
"You sure about that?" He asked snidely.
"What's he up to now...5?"
"6," Sam replied. "I think. I killed him last time," she
ended perkily.
Carolyn choked on her beer. Teal'c thoughtfully
pounded on her back.
"Well, not ME per se. RepliCarter did," she amended.
"Oh, Ok then. Well, are there any secret rooms that we don't know about,
Colonel?" Carolyn asked jokingly.
"Only secret room he's likely to have would probably be furnished
singularly with an enormous bed and have various whips, chains, handcuffs and
other bondage paraphenalia," McKay smirked
snidely.
"Ain't there,"
The way that everyone's neck snapped as they turned to look at him would most
likely keep Dr. Lam busy with whiplash treatments for a month.
Snickering at the faux pas, John asked, "Are we going to play or
what?"
"Yep. Ante up people. Texas Hold'em,"
"Sooooo," Sam purred, sliding closer to
him--beer and knife in hand. "Tell me more about this room..."
"You have reached Doctor Daniel Jackson. Please leave a message
after the tone."
"HEY! Where'd you go? We're about to start the game. And you're missing
out on the beer...BELLLLLCH!"
"Yep, you're right; Sam called," Daniel said,
voice low and husky as he threw the phone over his shoulder.
"Told 'ya," Mitchell replied as he snatched
Daniel's sweaty naked body back to his own and kissed him passionately.
"She'll probably call again," Daniel muttered,
his mouth full of Mitchell's tongue and his hands full of tight, hard, naked
ass.
Mitchell broke the kiss: "Let her. Besides, I reckon
Daniel's eyes rolled back and he silently, yet heartily, agreed.
Mitchell sat up suddenly and asked, "How DID you find out about
this room, and how'd you finagle the key outta
Smiling naughtily, Daniel pointed at the ceiling where a red light glowed low
and looked seedy.
"We're on tape."
Mitchell grinned, flipped the giggling archeologist on his stomach and spanked
his ass. Hard. Daniel yelped but didn't complain.
"Awwwwww. Here, lemme kiss that better..."
AUTOR’S NOTES: Partially
inspired by Jayne and the "tape scene" in Jaynestown.
Shout out to Lunachickk (you'll only understand if
you read HER SG-15 fic).
I am particularly proud of this one, for some odd reason!
* *
Some kinks involve wax. Others include vinyl, toes...even chickens.
Sam's was bandaids.
So, wanting to fuck her so badly, he'd consented to doing anything she desired.
Chained to his bed,
The mother of all bandages, though, was affixed right over his tattoo. That one, THERE. He'd been off-world for a
while and let the pubic hair grow back out of laziness.
With a devilish gleam in her drunken eye, a deliciously naked Sam crawled up
his body to sit across his thighs. Their sweat stung his newly denuded skin,
but he had NEVER been so horny. And that was saying something.
"Are you ready?" she asked huskily.
He braced himself in the cuffs, focused on the phallic shaped lamp across the
room and nodded.
Sam knelt up, grabbed one end of that bandaid and yanked
mightily. When he rose off the bed she was ready, and let his momentum impale
her.
With a wicked laugh she rode them both to explosive orgasms.
Several hours later, a curious
Here in Atlantis, it just didn't seem to matter.
Yeah, Sheppard got an occasional ribbing from
There were heartfelt congratulations and some back slapping on the day that
John proposed. You could hear Rodney's squeal from just about anywhere on
Atlantis.
That next week was just about the most enjoyable ever imagined for the quirky
Doctor's staff. No arguments, no declarations of superior intellect, no snark--it was heaven.
At the end of the month the Gateroom was overflowing
with friends and comrads. SG-1 even came to bear
witness, just as happy for them as the rest. Daniel's smile might have been a
little hollow, though. Everyone knew how much he missed Jack and how sad he was
that this was not their fate. Mitchell took his hand as if to soothe
him; he knew he was the rebound, the replacement. But he didn't mind.
The gate itself was decorated with garlands of exotic flowers, handwoven and picked from the mainland. Weir even
thoughtfully activated it so that they would be able to say their vows before
the device that had brought them to each other.
Martouf graciously agreed to officiate
the ceremony, the Tok'ra having no convictions
against such unions, and stood before them smiling. He was proud to do this,
and to be a part of their lives.
John's breath caught in his throat when first Beckett, and then his intended
with Sam (proudly defiant by wearing her uniform) on his arm, started up the
ramp. The love of his life stopped beside him and Sam kissed her friend's cheek
then took her seat with the rest of SG-1.
Rodney handed his bouquet of matching flowers to
John beamed at him, happier than he had ever been in his life as he said the
words that declared his eternal love and undying devotion.
Hastily, he turned to his best man though, when Martouf
asked if there was a ring. He hadn't thougth of that!
With a smirk
Once Martouf had declared them joined the entire room
erupted in cheers and applause. It really was the best day ever.
Rodney awoke when he felt John kissing him. He thought he tasted tears.
"Have that dream again?" he asked.
John nodded and choked out, "Mitchell was there this time--to console
Daniel."
Rodney sighed and pulled the messy haired Lt. Colonel's head to rest on his
shoulder where he tried to soothe him. They were overnighting
at
"Never gonna happen, you know," he told
him. "No matter what we want. Bastion
of Democracy, Defendee of Human Rights, Liberator of
Oppressed Peoples world and universe-wide dictating what YOU can and
cannot do with YOUR heart and YOUR body. Ironic, isn't
it?"
John sighed and replied with his trademark sarcasm: "'Land of the Free',
my ass."
The conference room was in chaos; everyone, it seemed, was yelling at
the top of their lungs.
Luckily, Dr. Carson Beckett strolled by on his way to the infirmary and heard
the ruckus.
"What in BLOODY hell is going on here?" he shouted above the din,
finally halting the argument going on between SG-15, SG-1, Dr. Weir and Dr. Zalenka.
"Thank you
"I still think I should do it," Daniel suggested once again.
Sam agreed, wholeheartedly, nodding with an enormous grin.
"Yeah, I'm tired of wearing leather," Mitchell offered. "I'm
with
"Nuh-uh.
Sorry. This here's MY turf,"
"Thank you...I think," Rodney told the big man. "After all, we
ARE more familiar with the inhabitants of this planet and THIS GALAXY, for that
matter."
"This is WHY I should do it. They're more likely to recognize one of
you," Daniel said with a huff.
"Perhaps I should be the one to infiltrate the establishment and ascertain
the whereabouts of the ZPM," Teal'c offered with
his eyebrow arched precariously.
"Uh. No. Thank you for your generosity,"
started Dr. Weir, "but you have a very...intimidating demeanor. Our
contact suggested someone with a more...inviting, suggestive approach would be
more successful."
"As you wish," the
"I would like to volunteer," Martouf
suggested shyly.
"No!" came the simultaneous response from most everyone in the room.
When he realized most of the room's inhabitants were staring at him,
"I only do that when I am continuously ignored or dismissed," the Tok'ra voice boomed.
Dr. Weir leaned over to
Dr. Zalenka, who no one was sure why he was even
there, suggested: "Why don't we choose by who is the most appealing, the
most attractive?"
With a grin
Snidely, McKay shot back, "Why not? By now I am sure rumors of your fame
have reached even THAT planet."
"Woman, don't make me hurt you. Shep'll get mad
and then I gotta beat him down too. And he likes that
too much. I can't play act anyway; I gotta lead the
mission. I'm sure somebody's got a dress that'll fit ya,
Doc."
"I do!" offered Sam with a girlish giggle. "Black
strappy little number. Doubt the shoes'll fit though."
Mitchell looked at her, confused. "What in the world did you bring that
for? 'ESSENTIAL items' was the order."
"Riiiiiight. Like your whip, sir?"
Daniel turned bright red and Mitchell shut up very quickly.
"OK, look. I'm pretty. I’m fit. I look good in anything. Or nothing, for that matter. And I always look like I just
got out of bed. No one can resist my plethora of charms," he smirked.
Not one person could argue his points. A couple of them knew first hand how
well his "charms" worked--Rodney being the latest and most serious.
With a smile
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard was going undercover in an alien bar as a prostitute.
They desperately needed that ZPM.
* *
45 minutes later, Daniel and Sam stepped back to admire their handiwork.
"Glad you kept the glitter," Sam told her friend.
"Yeah, well, I promised
She giggled, "I don't have it...but I wish I did!"
"Alright you two. How do I look?"
"Delicious," they both responded, and then laughed.
"Well, I'm glad you wore the dress, Carter. Don’t think I could pull it
off the way you do."
Sam smiled at John and then physically turned him to look at his own
reflection. He whistled appreciatively.
"Wait'll Rodney gets a look at this."
John's "charms" were displayed well in those skin tight shiny black
pants. The two sizes too small purple silk shirt was only buttoned in the
middle, showing off his pecs and his rock-hard abs.
His hair, ever looking like he'd just had sex, was sticking up everywhere, the
tips glistening with touches of glitter. Glitter also adorned his chest and
arms as the muscles bulged out beneath the tight short sleeves. Sam had
artfully applied mascara and a touch of jet black eyeliner, enhancing those
baby blues into even more seductive bedroom eyes.
Delicious, indeed.
In the gate room, the rest of the teams were waiting to provide assistance and
back-up for the man in case things went pear-shaped. And this was
SG-15...things ALWAYS went pear-shaped. All were in casually stylish clothes
but carried plenty of weaponry, concealed strategically.
When John sauntered in, no one could speak.
Zalenka, Martouf and Teal'c stared in shock.
Daniel and Sam beamed with pride.
The rest gawked appreciatively, with Liz, Rodney, Beckett,
John rolled his eyes and said, "You guys better be on the ball. There's no
room in these pants for a gun."
"That's NOT a gun?" squeaked Mitchell as he eyed the man's crotch.
"And you people wonder why I love him," commented the very happy Dr.
McKay with a dreamy sigh.
Afraid to say anything else for fear of beating Rodney and dragging Sheppard
back to his own room, screwing the mission (and John) --
Once on the planet and settled comfortably in the raucous bar,
Turning to thank the buyer for his generosity, the man paused holding his drink
aloft in a toast. His eyes widened and he smiled lecherously. Slapping down
some money on the bar, he jumped up off the stool and walking over the casually
lounging Sheppard.
"Gotcha," he murmured into the button mic.
John toasted the bartender, who had gone to considerable trouble. It was his
information on the smuggler's habits and proclivities that made their entire
mission possible.
The bar was actually the Pegasus Galaxy's version of Studio 54 and it was hard
to hear the conversation over the music, but the waiting teams caught snatches
of it.
“…Seat taken?”
“Not if…pay.”
“Name…price.”
“…afford it?”
(Laughter)
The man, whose name John ascertained to be Willy (which everyone snickered at)
drew up the seat right between Johns thighs.
“This guy won’t even see it coming,” Sam remarked.
“You’re up Carter,”
The beautiful woman stood, adjusted the very short hemline to cover her thigh
holster and straightened her shoulders, throwing her breasts forward. The Lt.
Col. Then grabbed the drink she had waiting and weaved her way over to the
table.
As she got there, she feigned to trip and ‘fell’ against Willy’s back, setting
the drink next to his on the table. As she made her apologies, she grabbed the
other drink and stepped into the crowd.
“She’s good,” Martouf commented with pride.
With an appreciative smile,
The rest of the contingent did their best to listen to the conversation that
continued.
“Drunks…clumsy!”
“…can fall…me anytime.”
“What…arrangement?”
“Yes…-ness before…-sure…during?”
“Said it…name your…anything.”
“Definitely…your place. Finish…drink.”
The man gulped down his drink, this one laced with a sedative and a drug that
would make him more talkative, and the pair rose to leave the bar.
“Let’s be alert boys and girls,” Mitchell admonished the teams as they rose to
surreptitiously follow. Sam scrambled to fall in line behind them.
John and Willy walked for a short distance, and then entered a disreputable
looking hostel, of sorts.
“Whew, all those stairs just to get to the top floor,” John said to alert the
others to his location.
“Ain’t nothin’ compared to
the work-out you’re gonna get,” the man muttered
lasciviously. With that, the team heard the door shunt firmly.
Lewd and suggestive sounds followed and since John wasn’t speaking, the team
inferred that Willy had his mouth otherwise occupied.
And then, as things are prone to do with SG-15, something went wrong. The mic got muffled. Evidently, they had forgotten to plan for
having the shirt taken OFF and buried beneath a pile of clothing. Either that
or they never thought the mark would still be standing at this point.
“We’ve got to go in,” Rodney whispered frantically, clutching at
“That is inadvisable. There has been no mention of the ZPM and we can’t be
certain Col. Sheppard has determined the location of the device,” reasoned Martouf.
“Agreed. Let’s give him more time,” commanded
A few seconds later, Sam giggled and suggested lewdly, “Looking like that I’d
give him all the time in the world.” Shocked at her own outburst, she slapped a
hand over her mouth.
The teams looked at her, confused.
She dropped her hand a purred, “What? Oh COME ON. If we all had the chance we’d
tag team him till he begged us to stop…or for more.”
Horrified at what she’d just said, she looked at Rodney and apologized. Then
her legs gave way and she looked ready to faint.
“Oh God. She picked up the wrong drink,” Rodney said
looking at
“Coulda swore I did it right. Of course, with John
looking like sex on legs I might have…please? Someone shut me up.”
Drawing her weapon from beneath her dress she set the laser sight dead on his
forehead, then nodded.
“Alright, Teal’c you and Rodney guard the front door.
Jackson, Martouf—circle ‘round to the back and make
sure there aren’t any other exits. Mitchell, you’re with me. Let’s go people.”
Everyone took up their positions and announced their readiness to
Outside the door to the only room on the top floor, the two team leaders
waited, listening. When they heard a sharp crack and the subsequent muffled squeal
they busted in, weapons drawn.
And burst out laughing.
Because there was Willy, chained to the wall, naked, a pair of ratty boxers
stuffed in his mouth.
John stood, shirtless and shoeless in front of him, with a cat-o-nine tails in
one hand and the ZPM at his feet.
“He made me KISS him,” he spat and then struck the man again.
* *
Later, after drugging the man with something they HOPED would fuzzy up his memory,
the team walked back to the puddle jumper. That is, all except Sam, who was
trying desperately to kiss Mitchell as he carried her.
Daniel laughed at his aggrieved sigh. Mitchell set her down on weak legs and
turned to
“Nawwwww, he’d let me take over…like last time,” she
said lewdly, shoving the half smoked cigar back into her mouth, mortified.
Everyone but Martouf snickered at that.
“Wow. What a view!” she commented as her face hovered around the level of his
ass.
Teal’c quirked his eyebrow, then he took back his
weapon and strode purposefully toward the ship…one had placed provocatively on
her bottom.
* *
“What do you mean ‘It doesn’t work’?” screamed Rodney.
Zalenka crossed his arms and said, “It’s depleted.
Didn’t any of you bother to check it before bringing it back?” he asked.
They looked at each other sheepishly, except Sam who could barely keep her eyes
open. Her hand, however, was neatly tucked into Teal’c’s
waistband.
“No,” she offered with a slur. “It never occurred to me to check the remaining
power level.”
“Well, at least some of us had fun,” Rodney threw snidely at John.
“Speak for yourself,” he responded in kind, wiping his
mouth for the thousandth time tonight.
Dejectedly, the team dispersed. John ran to catch up to an irritated Rodney and
wrapped an arm around his waist. With a sigh, the doctor laid his head on the
other man's shoulder and steered him towards his room.
“Pointless fucking mission,”
And he hoped the next mission they went on would be more fruitful. Or at least a little bloody.
* *
“Good God! All of you? How in the
bloody hell did ALL of you contract this?” a shocked Dr. Beckett asked the
people in the room as he slapped closed another medical file.
Scratching themselves continuously, SG-1 and SG-15 looked at each other
guiltily.
“Well, uh,
“What?” Dr Weir exclaimed. It was impossible to say if she was appalled or just
jealous.
“The aliens made us do it,” whined Dr. Jackson, who was not new to this
experience. “I think.”
Quirking her brow,
* * * * * *
“Ok, how is it that the entire galaxy…two as a matter of fact…speaks
English—EXCEPT for THIS planet?” an irritated Dr. Rodney McKay complained as he
watched Dr. Daniel Jackson attempt to communicate with the aliens.
“There are many worlds that do not speak the language of the Tau’ri,” Teal’c offered.
Martouf nodded sagely, his travels extensive.
“Still, it seems like Rodney’s got a point,” Lt. Colonel John Sheppard stated.
“Good thing Dr. Jackson and the rest of SG-1 weren’t ordered back yet.”
Sam snickered as Daniel threw up his hands in frustration. “Evidently, they
aren’t proficient in ‘Geek’.”
“Ain’t that the pot callin’
the kettle black?”
“Bite me, Sir,” the Lt. Col. countered.
“Where? And can I rip off the bandage later?”
“That’s my kink, Sir.”
Teal’c arched his eyebrow at this information.
“Uh, sorry to interrupt your foreplay, but Daniel’s on his way back,” Mitchell
announced.
“It appears as though they want us to follow them. And something about a
ritual…or ceremony—I’m not really sure,” the linguist told them in hushed
tones.
“What kind of ritual?” Martouf asked, concerned it
might be sacrificial—with them being the sacrifice.
Because the aliens were all VERY primitive looking.
Beautiful to a fault, each of them, built like brick shit-houses, tan and lean.
And what they wore did little to hide their private parts. In fact, the women
were bare-breasted. And they looked to be the epitome of warriors; warriors out
on a hunt.
“I guess we’ll find out when we get there,” Daniel said with a shrug.
“Colonel? Is this necessary? If we can’t communicate
do you really think we’ll be able to explain why we’re here?” asked Sheppard.
But
When they arrived at their destination the teams could only gawk. Inside the
stone building were dozens of naked warriors, men and women, who were engaged
in bathing themselves…and each other. Because in the center of the room there
was an inviting pool, which shimmered and was bordered by lush foliage that
spilled out over the edge into the water.
The warrior leader pointed to
“It would appear that they wish for us to do the same as they are,” Teal’c said, his eyebrow crawling up to his hairline.
Happy to shed the stifling clothes since the room was steaming hot and they
were filthy from mucking through a swamp to get here, Rodney pronounced, “Well,
when in Rome…” and began undressing.
Hesitantly the others followed suit while a bewildered Martouf
mumbled, “Confusing. Many places named ‘
While several of the members stood around uncomfortably in their underwear, the
natives brought them food and drink. Curiously neither
Sam, in matching bra and panties, snatched the proffered cup and downed it
swiftly—trying hard not to gawk at her teammates. When she finished she belched
loudly and one of the natives laughed and rushed to hand her another.
Suddenly, everyone was very thirsty as anything seemed better than just
standing around and none of them were certain they wanted to be the first in
the pool.
Rodney, Mitchell,
Once the whole room appeared to be laughing and in good spirits, communication
difficulties were forgotten, especially in the comradery
of prodigious amounts of strong drink. Forgotten, as was the
purpose of their mission.
The warrior leader pointed to the pool again, smiling. When no one responded he
took Martouf, who did not appear to be intoxicated,
by the hand and pulled him into the water. With nimble fingers he quickly
divested the Tok’ra of the rest of his clothing then
took a sponge and bathed the man’s chest. It was a very erotic image, to say
the least. After that, many more warriors came forward to lead a member into
the awaiting bath.
When a particularly beautiful woman attempted to draw John with her, Rodney
lunged and grabbed his hand instead. Firmly he pulled his lover into the water
and growled, “My job.”
What happened next was anyone’s guess.
* * * *
Several hours later
“Please, don’t move, Sir,” John groaned in complaint since his head seem to be
resting on his C. O.’s naked crotch.
The big man did anyway attempting to make sense of the scene.
A collective groan could be heard and a dressed Teal’c
and Martouf watched the naked group struggle. From
their seats by the wall, both men smiled.
“It was an interesting ceremony,” the
“You two weren’t affected by the drink…or the atmosphere?” asked Daniel as he
sat up, groping for his glasses. When he got a handful of Sheppard’s cock, he
decided he didn’t need them.
“I’m thinkin’ you owe him dinner now,
Daniel sneered at him and shook his head in disbelief at the situation.
“The steam was naught but a combination of incense and water vapor,” Martouf offered. “But the drink was very powerful. I fear
all of us succumbed to its…effects. They just happened to wear off more quickly
for Teal’c and me.
“God, I hurt everywhere,” Shep complained. “And I
mean EVERYWHERE,” he added grabbing his crotch.
“So do I,” stated a confused Mitchell. “What the hell kind of galaxy IS this?”
“Oh dear. What did we DO?” whined Rodney.
“Quitcher bitchin’ people,”
“You’re only pissed because you don’t remember any of it either,” Sam snapped
at the Colonel.
“Throws off his count,” snickered John.
“Nah…gonna settle on 5 new notches. Nice even, round
number. Round, kinda like Mitchell’s ass,” he added
with an appreciative glance.
“5 is an ODD number, Sir,” the new SGC member shot back. “And I’m betting you
owe us ALL dinner.”
Instead of being chastised, the leader looked inordinately pleased with himself.
Slowly and obviously hung over, the team untangled their limbs and
dressed…trying their damnedest not to look at each other.
As they gathered at the gate, filthy again and tired, that’s when they noticed
the itch.
* * * *
“So, you mean to tell me these people DELIBERATELY got you drunk and MADE you
have sex with them…and each other?” Weir squeaked.
Yep, she was jealous.
“Precisely” answered a contrite Dr. McKay who wasn’t entirely sure about having
sex with the aliens…but didn’t want to split hairs at this point.
Quickly, the rest of the team nodded in agreement—desperately wanting her to
believe it was the truth.
Secretly hoping it wasn’t.
Little did they know
Struggling not to scratch the teams went off to their quarters. They were just
glad Weir forgot to ask about the actual purpose, and subsequent failure, of
the mission.
A few hours later Beckett practically skipped over to see Dr. Zalenka. He too, was feeling a bit left out and definitely
jealous;
“Look at what I found,” he said with a laugh and handed the test results to the
other man. “Turns out the beer was indeed stronger, but it was also fermented
with a natural substance resembling Rohypnol.”
“Rohyp—you mean Roofies?” Zalenka asked astonished but with a grin.
“Indeed. Oh, and everyone is only suffering from a bad case of poison ivy.”
Evidently, that was one of the plants in the ‘lush foliage’ and no one noticed.
But with all those naked bodies, they really couldn’t be blamed.
On his way back to the infirmary,
As Dr. Beckett rubbed calamine lotion on the big man’s broadly muscled back,
And
* * * *
Back on the alien planet the warriors sat around laughing.
“Can you believe they thought we wanted them to have SEX?” one asked.
They had congregated after the fiasco and sat drinking the same beer.
Obviously, years of ingestion had built their tolerance to the chemical
effects…and generations of exposure had rendered them immune to the itchy
plant.
“It was a pleasurable show, if nothing else. My mate and I found it stimulating
to watch,” offered one.
“As did I. Maybe we could ask them to come back?”
suggested another.
“Definitely. I wonder if they’d do it again for us,”
still another perked up to ask.
“At any rate, I think we should figure out a better way of telling visitors
that they are unclean and that they have an odor,” the leader offered with a
sigh.
“Agreed,” they all chimed.
“I mean, couldn’t they tell how dirty they were and how unacceptable that would
be to appear in front of the council like that?”
“Maybe that is just how they do things where they are from,” stated one of the females
“Remind me not to go there,” the leader quipped.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: 100% PWP;
absolutely NO PLOT so don't bother looking for one. Betaed by or_mabinogi and noneofyours. When I wrote What Did You Expect
Part 4 several of my flisters voiced disappointment
over the fact that it ended before the good smut. Well, here you go guys—I
rewrote the first bit and added a goodly sized amount of pr0n. The red-ribbon
was also a long-ago challenge from sunnyluvsmcshep.
Dedicated to trikakeep and little5150d for their part in keeping me online; I hope
they like it.
* *
"You have reached Doctor Daniel Jackson. Please leave a message
after the tone."
"HEY! Where'd you go? We're about to start the game. And you're missing
out on the beer...BELLLLLCH!"
Daniel threw the phone over his shoulder and said with his voice low and husky,
"Yep, you're right; Sam called."
"Told ya," Mitchell replied as he snatched
Daniel's sweaty, naked body back to his own and kissed him passionately.
"She'll probably call again," Daniel muttered,
his mouth full of Mitchell's tongue and his hands full of tight, hard, naked
ass.
Mitchell broke the kiss but continued to stare at the moist lips in front of
him. "Let her. Besides, I reckon
Daniel's eyes rolled back in his head and he silently, yet heartily, agreed.
Mitchell sat up suddenly and asked him, "How DID you find out about this
secret room? And how'd you finagle the key outta
Smiling naughtily, Daniel pointed at the ceiling where a red light glowed dimly
and looked almost seedy.
"We're being filmed."
Mitchell grinned, flipped the laughing archeologist onto his stomach and
spanked his ass, hard. Daniel yelped but didn't complain.
Smirking, Mitchell drawled, "Awwwwww. Here, lemme kiss that better."
Daniel reached back and grabbed Mitchell’s chin, keeping the other man from
kissing his buttocks. Pursing his lips he whined, “But I was a bad boy,
Colonel. Don’t you think I was a bad boy for letting someone watch us? Don’t
bad boys need discipline?” he asked, pouting sexily over his shoulder.
Mitchell licked his own lips greedily and swallowed hard, nodding once to show
his agreement.
Daniel smiled predatorily, but turned his head, tucking it face-down into the
pillow. Mitchell watched, unable to speak, as Daniel arched his back, placing
his ass up further in the air and giving him more access to his smooth, supple
skin. Cameron leaned onto one elbow and palmed the firm muscle, kneading and
massaging the soft flesh. Then he drew his hand back and smacked him, hard,
once again. Daniel flinched, but restrained his cry of surprise. Instead he
pushed up his behind giving Mitchell even more access.
The Lieutenant Colonel didn’t disappoint his lover. Three quick, sharp slaps to
each buttock were followed by a gentle palm caressing the reddened skin,
soothing the sting with feather-light touches. Daniel purred his satisfaction
and Mitchell watched as the man’s breathing became more shallow and rapid.
Mitchell enjoyed the sight of the glowing skin, reveled in the heat emanating
off of it, and could feel his own cock harden even more as Daniel whimpered in
need. So he smacked him thrice more.
Throwing his head back and rising onto all fours Daniel growled, barking,
“Again!”
Not one to deny Daniel anything, Cameron sat up and did as he was ordered. He
changed hands to use a fresh palm and spanked him again, twice, in rapid
succession.
But in the midst of delivering three follow-up slaps he realized that Daniel
hadn’t asked for the additional punishment…he had demanded it.
Cameron finished up with two very hard whacks and quickly pushed him over,
pressing on Daniel’s hips to force his burning ass cheeks into the cool sheets
on the other side of the bed. Daniel was panting and his cock was rock hard,
the tip dribbling pre-come; but Mitchell didn’t touch it, or him. He just sat
there on his heels and watched as Daniel grew ever more frustrated, squirming
in the sheets, practically begging for release.
“Yes, my archeologist was a bad, bad boy. But I don’t think I’m gonna let him off the hook just yet,” Cameron said with a
haughty smirk, taunting the other man.
Daniel froze at the possessive term and tone of Mitchell’s voice. “Your
archeologist?” he asked, incredulous.
“Yep, mine,” Cameron declared, staking his claim.
Rising gracefully and protecting his sore buttocks by lifting himself onto his
hands and knees before his lover, Daniel slowly crept forward. When his lips
were within an inch of Mitchell’s he feigned as if to kiss him, but pulled off
so that only their noses rubbed once, twice. He then raised his hand, and with
his palm resting on the Lieutenant Colonel’s chest he forcefully shoved him
over onto his back.
Straddling Cameron, Daniel ran his hands down the sweaty torso. “Your
archeologist?” he asked again twisting the other man’s nipples, one eyebrow
raised in imitation of Teal’c. Daniel shook his head
in mock disappointment and scolded him saying, “That’s very greedy of you. I
think maybe you need to be punished.”
Mitchell smirked and rolled his eyes. “I can take anything you think you can
dish out,
Daniel slid down the other man’s body; resting gently on his own heels he
helped Cameron onto his hands and knees, caressing and fondling the ass cheeks
in front of him with both palms.
His voice was velvety smooth and lower than Cameron had ever heard it when
Daniel crooned, “You know, I also have a PhD in Linguistics…the root of that
word being ‘lingua’, meaning ‘tongue’.”
“Oh yeah? I…I think I already knew that,” Mitchell answered, slightly confused.
Smiling as he ran his hands over the small of Cameron’s back and down his hips
Daniel told him, “Well, I know how much you like to hear me talk, but let me
show you how well I can really use my tongue.”
Daniel ran his fingers down the crease and spread Cameron’s buttocks, blowing
his hot breath on the puckered opening he found there. He watched, fascinated,
as the muscle spasmed and he smiled--he could see
Mitchell’s thighs begin to quiver as he reacted involuntarily; smiled because
he could tell Mitchell was unsure of what was to come. And he knew the other
man was holding his breath in anticipation.
Tucking his head down between his lover’s legs, Daniel licked from Cameron’s
scrotum to just above the crack of his ass with a gentle stroke of his wet
tongue. He shifted his head and kissed the two little dimples, one on each side
of Cameron’s spine. Then he went in the opposite direction, starting at the
base of his spine and licking downward, his tongue flat and wide.
Mitchell’s hands fisted in the sheets as his dick grew harder, throbbing
painfully. He clenched his buttocks involuntarily when Daniel licked him for
the second time, but Daniel was ready. With strong hands he pried the muscles
apart, allowing his talented tongue to circle and lave the tender flesh.
“Oh, please…Daniel…FUCK!” Cameron cried, exhaling
sharply, and pushing back slightly.
Daniel drew back and spit once, forcefully, thoroughly coating the area with
saliva, and then dove back between the taut cheeks. He licked up the wetness,
and then spit again, this time stiffening his tongue, firmly flicking it and
trying to work Mitchell open.
At this point Cameron was babbling incoherently but
Daniel, enjoying the nonsense that flowed unchecked from Mitchell’s lips, decided
to tease him just a little more. So he pulled back and then began alternating
his technique between a fluttering tongue that barely tickled, and wrapping his
lips around the puckered skin, sucking hard.
The sensation was driving Cameron crazy. His arms were shaking and sweat
dripped from his forehead. With a wild abandon he cried out desperately,
“Daniel!”
Obliging his partner, Daniel grabbed Mitchell’s ass tightly in his palms and
pulled him onto his tongue, driving in deeply over and over. He licked in
circles, tongue buried as far in as he could, until he felt Cameron’s muscles
tighten around him.
And with a howl that he was sure could be heard all the way into the house,
Mitchell climaxed harder than he had in years. His hot come shot out in long
translucent arcs to coat the sheets beneath him.
Cameron fought to catch his breath, and he marveled at the fact that Daniel
didn’t even have to touch his cock to bring him off like that. He shook his
head and collapsed face-first onto the bed while Daniel smiled, proud of his
talents. Then
“Hey, Dave? I hope that you'll enjoy that as much as
he did. Hell--who am I kidding? Of course you will.”
* *
“Holy fucking---oh hell yeah, Jackson; did I ever,” Dixon swore, panting and
swallowing hard as his own ejaculate spurted out hot and sticky all over his
hand. He set the remote control on the bed by his hip, and then he reached behind
him for the box of tissues so he could clean himself off.
He twisted quickly in surprise when he felt not rough cheap cardboard, but
smooth, soft, naked skin. “What the--?”
“I came to borrow your DVD player. Rodney did something to ours,” John
complained.
He gave Sheppard a questioning glance and then waggled his eyebrows
suggestively as he wiped his hand on the bed sheet, “Wanna
stay and play?”
Apologizing sincerely John said, “Sorry Colonel. It’s McKay’s birthday.”
“Oh,” the other man replied, disappointed. Hiding it well though, he
disconnected the power cord from the wall, and handed the machine to his second
in command.
“Do you want your disc?” John asked, surprised since he hadn’t really thought
He was even more surprised when the Colonel told him, “Nah, you keep it.
Consider it a gift for your girlfriend’s birthday.”
“Thank you, Sir,” he answered, stuttering. He smiled sincerely and turned,
walking swiftly back to his quarters.
“Yeah, you’re welcome,”
And as the lithe forms of Jackson and Mitchell graced the screen once more,
“Good thing I have a back-up copy.”
** The End **
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