Denial
By: hariboo_smirks
CATEGORY: General, Romance
SEASON/SPOILERS: Some spoilers for Season 10
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Well this is new for me considering I don’t really know what I’m doing and I usually kinda suck at this putting my thoughts and ideas on paper or computer as the case is. Probably cuz I’m not that great a typist. Not mine, alas. Hope you like. Comments, reviews always welcome.
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://hariboo-smirks.livejournal.com/
The first time he thinks she’s beautiful is when he sees her in that dress portraying herself as Quetesh, she look regal and, well, stunning. It’s not that hard to believe that people thought she was a goddess. But if he’s honest with himself, and he so rarely is in regards to her, its not the first time he notice her beauty. Honestly, the first time was on the Prometheus dress all in black, that body suit hardly hiding any of her curves. She was stunning then too, even of she was kicking his ass (not that he’d ever admit that too).
The first time he’s drawn in by her smile she had just finished telling the SGC off while standing on a crate in the gateroom. She had thought that they were gonna lock her up somewhere, abandon her and leave her, so she was gonna leave first (and he wasn’t going to admit how that felt). But then they gave her the hope of family, of a place to belong and she smiled. Her whole lit up and something in him felt alive. But that wasn’t completely true, because the first time he was drawn in by her smile was long before that. In truth had been when she was leaving after the bracelet debacle; she had walked up to him and tried to scam him again, but she had given him that smile before she left, lightly touching his breaded cheek and for a moment he hadn’t want to let her go. He almost didn’t.
The first time he understands that she hides behind her pigtails, innuendo and flirtations she doesn’t even remember who she really, much less who he really is. She’s holding a gun to him and shaking and he understand that if he doesn’t stop her she’s going to run because that was she learned to do when the universe dumped her on her ass with nothing. She’s gonna run and hide (away from him...but he doesn’t let that thought linger too long) and do what she has to do. It what she knows to hide in plain sight, makes sure people do get to close even when they think they are. Trickster. Con-woman. Smuggler. Thief. Flirt. Alone. He manages to stop her (to keep her) but for a brief second he saw past the mask and saw his Vala. But honestly that wasn’t the first time either. His first glimpse behind her mask happened in his room months ago when he still told himself she was nothing more but a pain in side. He had hurt her feelings and she had opened up to him, unfortunately at that moment neither of them could have handled it. Truth. Honesty. Nakedness. So he gave her an out and she took it. He doesn’t know if he’s grateful for that.
The first time he sees her bravery, a bravery that she doesn’t believe she even has, he actually looking at himself. She is risking her life, her child’s life, from another galaxy to warm him…um, them, about the threat of the Ori invasion and second Supergate. And when he sees the transmission abruptly cuts off and she’s gone and he’s back his heart constricts in fear, every single time and he’s watched the recording more than once and that can’t be good for his blood pressure. Unfortunately this is a lie too, because the first time he saw her bravery was when she basically sacrificed herself to save them at the Ori beachhead. She got on that cargo ship and flew into the Supergate saving them without a second thought to herself and left him…um, them. When she had left he had felt it, really felt it and not just because of the bond. He had felt it in his entire being, his loss of her amplified by the guilt he felt of his treatment of her, he had belittled and ignore her when all she had wanted to do was help. And all he wanted then was her back.
The first time he realizes that she actually cares about him, the team, the universe and not looking out for number one anymore she’s sitting on his lap and he is looking like the monsters that haunt her nightmares wielding fire that surrounds her. She sitting telling him about the most mundane things and he vaguely recalls her face anchoring him to the world when the ancient device was taking him away. Because even when he is slipping away from her and when he wears the face of her murders she there next to him and she’s not going to let him go. She was going to fight for him. Fight to keep him. But that’s a big fat lie because the first time he realized that she cares about others more than she wants to was back on Quetesh’s planet fighting for and healing the very people that turned against her and wanted her punished. The Ori were punishing these people for not wanting to submit to them, killing them and she couldn’t do anything except heal only to watch them fall ill again. By the end she had been exhausted forcing back tears and honestly he couldn’t blame her when she fired upon the Prior since he had been entertaining that thought too. She would not give up. She would fight for them (and he for her).
The first time he think he might love (loves) her they are outside the room her daughter may be dying in. She can’t watch and she’s hiding behind the mask, she’s telling him that she doesn’t care and he doesn’t buy it for a second. Neither does she. They gotten too good at reading each other. She tries to hide away but he won’t let her gently drawing her back to him like she’s done for him several times before. Later when its clear that Adria is dying he goes with her to into the room because well, really where else would he be? He’s not going to leave her alone. Still though that’s the biggest lie of them all because he knows. He knows he loves her. He has for a while now, longer that he cares to admit, longer than he’ll ever admit. He just doesn’t know when he started to…maybe…maybe he always did (has).
**
The End **
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