Godspeed by CeeKay Sheppard

Godspeed

By: CeeKay Sheppard

CATEGORY: Angst

SEASON/SPOILERS: Season 10, minor spoilers for season in general

WARNINGS: None

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is my first Daniel/Vala fic, after nine solid years of diehard Daniel/Sha’uri ‘shipping. It’s also something of an experiment in character perspective – I’ve been doing that a lot lately in my fan fiction.

AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:

http://www.fanfiction.net/~celticknot

I was jealous at first.

Watching you with her… it was painful. Even as you antagonized each other, I knew what you were thinking. Perhaps better than you did, yourself.

But it made me realize how much you have changed, my Dan-yel. Eleven years ago––ye gods, has it truly been that long?––eleven years ago, a woman like Vala would have completely overwhelmed you. I can see in my mind that endearing expression of bewilderment you so often wore dissolving into near panic at her aggressive advances. But in the years since my death, you have developed a kind of armor, lost much of your childlike wonder. You lost your innocence.

I think it was your relationship with Vala that made me see this. When she did not overwhelm you, when you matched her cutting words with answers equally as keen, when you…how did Jack O'Neill put it? …when you "gave as good as you got," I suddenly found I did not know you anymore. You have a sharp wit and a sharp tongue, a hard stare and, when you need it, a cold heart. When I was alive, there was nothing sharp, hard, or cold about you. You were nearly oblivious to sarcasm, you couldn't stare down the most docile mastadge, and more than once your compassion nearly led to your undoing. But the worlds you have encountered, the people you have met, and the tragedies you have suffered have forged the plowshare into a sword, to reverse a phrase I once heard you say. You were many things when we met––explorer, historian, archaeologist, interpreter, teacher––and now you may add "soldier" to the list. A soldier for truth and justice, perhaps, a soldier for knowledge and peace… but a soldier nonetheless.

Knowing this, being conscious of this, made it less difficult to see you with another woman. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, and to find love again. Several times I have watched you almost give in, almost let yourself fall in love, and then think of me, or see the picture of me you still keep on your nightstand, and gently but firmly push her away. For a long time, this unnecessary loyalty pleased me, but deep within me was an ache. I thought at first that this ache was longing, the emptiness of being separated from you, but it was rather the pain of watching you put a dead woman ahead of your own happiness. You deserve better.

Do not do this any more, my Dan-yel. I am gone. Put my picture in a drawer. Do not forget me, but do not feel guilty. Go to her with my blessing. Love her the way you loved me. Do not be afraid.

** The End **

Feedback to: symphonicunts@optonline.net

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