Her Name is Vala
By: gioia_gg
CATEGORY: Angst, General
SEASON/SPOILERS: Season 10
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S NOTES: It’s going to be a character study for Vala. Her past, her future, and her present.
Thanks to my beta, Isabel as hariboo_smirks at LJ.
Last thing, I borrowed some things (two drabbles) from an amazing fic called Themes in the Key of B by thedeadparrot. It’s a Batman fic and just amazing. I wish I could write the author.
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://gioia-gg.livejournal.com/
CHAPTER 1: Coming Back to Beginning
Vala does not like the
first day of Fall.
Varen does not wake
her like he usually does, does not pull her into his embrace like he usually
does, instead keeps his distance, hovering. Or maybe it is her who has pulled
away; maybe it is her who has become distant.
Vala does not like the
first day of Fall.
It is a sunny day. Not like that day. The day her entire
life changed. That day was a cloudy and cold one; and there was a darkness over
the horizon, warning them of the approaching storm. Today is a sunny day, a
little chilly, without a trace of any storm. But as she looks up into the
cloudless sky, she wishes it were raining.
She tells Varen that
she wishes to take the afternoon off to wander, and he nods, concern on his
face. He knows what today is, and he understands what it means to her. He does
not mention it in words, and they both just pretending as if nothing has
changed.
Today, she does not hear the city's sounds (look, the witch
is coming), does not see the people's wary, pitiful stares as she walks among
the city's streets. The world around her is on mute, if only for today.
Vala does not like the
first day of Fall.
The grass of the
cemetery is wet, soaking the hem of her skirt even further. The hill is a candy
piece to climbing but she still climbs it slowly, making each step count. The
flowers for the people she--she
killed weighs heavy in her hand.
She comes here every
year in these times, to pay her respects, to say her excuses and her goodbyes.
It never gets easier, but then again, it never gets harder, either. This is one
day that nothing changes, that she is once again a sixteen-year-old girl,
frightened and alone. And it's getting harder to pretend.
Vala does not like the
first day of Fall.
At night, fully
dressed in black, she visits that same chapel. It has changed, broken, as her
home world has changed. It has become a ruin, darker, even worse than it was
then. She does not touch anything, merely looks, only remembers.
When she goes back to home, she goes to bed next to
Varen. He lays still but she knows he is awake but does not say anything. He
doesn't hold her this time like he did years ago, doesn’t whisper sweet nothing
into her ear. That is beyond both of them now, each of them isolated in their
own grief.
All those people are
still dead and she is still frightened, alone; aware of the fact that her time
is running out. At
As she passes through
the 'Gate over to horizon, she doesn't try to even look back.
Vala does not like
today.
Yet, she has no hope
that tomorrow will be any better.
* * * *
(Present)
Vala Mal Doran took a sip from the caffe in front of her, scanning the classified files reporting the last sightings of Orici. Colonel Carter was in the middle of her speech about lastest news from their allies.
“Sixteen hours ago, we received the word from Collans that their world was attacked too. No more contact was made after then, but they said they all had seen a woman whose eyes glowed with fire.” She threw a suspicious glance at Vala who still scanning the files without saying nothing. “We’re 99% sure that its Adria.”
She stooped, looked at the classified files. “Either we screw up with ‘The Sangrall’ or she’s found another way to return. Regardless, she came back.”
Daniel ducked his head, mumbled softly. “With more ships under her command. All for nothing.”
Vala snapped her head up to him, looking annoyed. “We already talked this before. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Than whose fault? It has to be someone’s.” He said in return sternly.
Vala was about to answer but Gen. Landry’s voice cut her off. “Vala’s right, Dr. Jackson. We had to take the risk at that time. And we did. We’ve gotta stop blaming ourselves while there is more coming trouble into our hands.” Daniel leaned his head forward again as Vala pulled the last file before her.
They were losing their edge. They didn’t laugh anymore as they had before. When they did, there was always something amiss in it. The anticipation of approaching storm was heavy in their hearts.
All of sudden all world around Vala was in mute. For a moment, she could hear nothing but heart madly beating. The words before her eyes burned into her, into her soul. She pushed the files forward, putting her head between her hands.
“Vala…? You okay?” She heard Daniel’s worried voice. He tilted his head towards her, looking at her, his eyes narrowed and searching.
“You went all pale suddenly.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re trembling.”
“I’m fine!” She repeated.
“Vala?”
“Daniel!!” Her voice hichted.
“Okay, kids. Stop it.” Col. Mitchell broke them off. Then he looked straightly at her eyes. “Daniel, I’m sure that Vala would tell us if something is wrong.”
She took a deep breath, pointing the last file she had just pushed over the table.
“I know that planet.” She added before none of them could speak again. “It’s my home world.”
* * * *
Silence hung heavy over the armory. It was just the two of
them because
“And let them to become another pawn for the Ori for reaching power or get burned to death?”
“No. You know what I meant.” He sighed, adjusting his glasses over his eyes. “You don't need to come with us. We can go without you and try to convince them into using Merlin out-of-phase device.”
“Yeah...” She ducked her head as if she was considering that option. After a while, she came near him and lifted her head up to him, and he realized that she had already made her choice. “Daniel, you told me so many times that I had made a decision to stop running, to stop pretending. When I decided to stay here, make a new life for myself, I always knew that this moment would come someday. I don't want to return, Daniel, but I need to.”
“After the Tok'ra had removed the sybiomte, I went back to live on my home planet. I had nothing and I was a total emotional wreck. Times of memories, nightmares and chaos. Nothing made sense. It was a real struggle just living but I did it anyway. I lived there for two years with Veran, my fiancé.” She sighed deeply as Daniel looked at her sympathetically.
“It was just...I did my best, pretending nothing had changed, pretending not to see the look inside people's eyes. The disgust, the pity, the fear.” She took a step, getting closer to him as her voice began to come out throaty; deep from inside.
“But its hard to pretend to be someone else while you're around the people who know you; know you well. I couldn't be the girl they had known before but I couldn't be something else, either. So I decided to run away from them, from myself, to somewhere else, where I could be anyone, no one.” There were unshed tears in her eyes as she kept talking through the lump in her throat. “And I kept running until I met you. Maybe it sounds a little cliché but I feel like this is my last chance to face my past and put it completely behind me.”
He put his hands over her shoulders, squeezing her upper arms and looked directly at her eyes as he tried to seal his words into her soul. “You know that whatever waits for us there, you're not alone. We--I'll be always behind you.”
She ducked her chin, blushing a little. It was completely un-Vala-like, for a moment he assumed that it was just his own imagination.
“I know. Thank you.” She said with a small voice. They stayed like that for a little while until Daniel seemed satisfied with what he saw and let his arms fall off from her shoulders. He turned back over to bench, putting his feet on it, tying his boots as she tied her P90 onto her kelvar suit. However, she stopped for a minute, wrinkling her forehead as looking her weapon thoughtfully.
“I think I've gotta leave my weapons.”
He turned at her abruptly. “What?”
“I've gotta leave all of my weapons.” She said slowly as taking them off by one by.
“May I ask why?” He asked a little more sarcastically then he had intended.
But his sarcasm went unnoticed by her. “Those people are afraid of me, Daniel.” She pointed out as even taking off her knife. “Granted, they were disgusted in me, pitied me, but they had never stopped to being afraid of me, ever. When they see me, they will remember this fear once more. Going to there fully armed isn't the best idea, especially when we want them to trust us with their lives.”
“Yeah...maybe,” He shook his head. “I just don't like the idea of you running around those people without being armed.”
“Neither do I,” She accepted. “But, I'll be fine, Daniel. You're just worried too much. You're just-- what's you called it? yeah, pulling a mother hen act on me.” She grinned. “Besides, I know you never let anything bad happens to me.” He grinned back at her, at the same time wishing the dreadful feeling inside his stomach was just his own imagination. They just would go to this planet, make the peace between Vala and them, hide them under the Ori’s collective noses, and return to home.
What could possibly go wrong?
* * * *
The big city of
The center of Mandoran, where 'Gate sat, was exactly how she remembered. A few hundreds feet away, the altar looked exactly how she remembered too. The ruins of her temple, the marketplace, the stalls, the crowds were also exactly how she remembered them.
“She came back.”
And at the same time, it was not. There were little changes, like the path under her feet, the now broken altar, the new warm wind among her hair.
“I can’t believe that
she came back, after all the years.”
Everything looked the same but again everything felt so different.
She felt herself trembling, looking just like the girl she remembered being lost and frightened. And the whispers, there were whispers all round them as they walked among the streets. It had been a bad idea coming back here, it was bad, a really bad one.
“What does she want
from us this time? Why now?”
Why? There was a hand within her, squeezing hers tightly as if it tried to give her strength. Confused, she turned back, and saw a smiling Daniel looking at her reassuringly as his fingers caressed her hand.
“It’s alright, I’m right here. Don’t be afraid.” He whispered. She felt her trembling stop slowly as she caught her breath.
Count until ten. Just relax.
Everything’s gonna be fine.
“Why she came back?”
“You came back.”
She got still for a minute, looking absolutely terrified. Then she turned around.
“Hello, Veran.”
* * * *
Veran missed Vala in the
same way he missed playing with mud and his grandma's special cake at the
spring festa, in the same way he missed childish angst over the girls. Veran
missed Vala in the same way he missed all his childhood memories and all their
joys and miseries.
Still, he
missed her everyday.
He had put his childhood
fancies away with the dreams of being someone else, being more than the fourth
child of a merchant, when at sixteen he was told that he was now a man and had
to behave accordingly. The same time he realized that she was destined to be
more than a farm girl in a little village (ever the curious one). She asked him
to come with her but he shook his head and said that he belonged here. And as
she left their little village for the big city of
After two years when
he saw her, and saw how much she had changed, he realized how he had been right
when he had thought that she was destined to be more than a farm girl. When her
eyes flashed with golden fire, he could not help but shiver with fear, but he
wasn't a child anymore and she was a childhood memory, nothing more.
Still, his
heart cried for her everyday.
When the Tok'ra
arrived, when they had explained to them that she wasn't herself, that she had
been taken as a host, they hadn’t understood what they exactly meant with
'taken’, but imagined that she had been consumed with something evil. They also
figured out that she wasn't all powerful and beautiful. At the altar as Adria
and the crowd threw rocks at her, Veran had wanted to join them, spit on that
creature had brought on them so much pain, but his heart was still aching with
loss of his childhood friend.
Still, his
heart ached for her everyday.
When the Tok'ra returned
her to them, she looked so lost, so vulnerable, so unlike the girl he knew
once, he pulled her into his arms, embraced her tightly, whispering little
nonsense into her ear. She had put her head over his heart, saying nothing.
After that day, she moved in with him, because returning her to her old house,
to the care of Adria was too stupid to even consider.
The sheer disgust in
people's eyes turned into pity as time passed. But there was still a wariness
in it right beside pity therefore they called her a witch, a damned soul,
behind her back. Sometimes under the firelight her eyes would sparkle,
reflecting the fire and she seemed normal but sometimes the sparkles were still
there even with the absence of any fire to reflect. He knew it was somewhat
stupid wishing that it had been just his own imagination.
Still, he
wished it everyday, anyway.
When she left without
a goodbye, without even a farewell letter, he knew that she might never return.
He had expected to be surprised or upset but he had felt kinda relieved. Maybe
finally he would manage to move on. He was a man of absolutes and she was a
childhood memory.
Still, he
loved her everyday.
As time passed, he
moved on. He married a beautiful girl and loved her. When she died in
childbirth, he cried for her for days but he moved on. Sometimes he remembered
the girl under the stars, the girl who believed there was something beyond the
stars.
Still, he
remembered her everyday.
But he had put all his
childhood fancies away with the dreams of being someone else more than being
the fourth child of a merchant, at sixteen the same time he had been told that
he was a man now and had to behave accordingly. He was a man of absolutes and
she was a childhood memory after all. No, it was not fair, but it was just
life.
Still, he
loved her everyday.
And just when he
thought she was finally put away forever, merely a person he had once known and
now gone, never to return, ready to being lost in the corners of his mind. Just
when he had thought she was completely behind him,
He missed
her everyday.
Just when he had it
all figured out...
She
came back
To be continued…
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