Leaving
By: natalia5345
CATEGORY: Episode Related, UST
SEASON/SPOILERS: Season 10 “Dominion”
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S NOTES:
Thanks so much to
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://natalia5345.livejournal.com/ and http://www.fanfiction.net/~natalia5345
She should have left
right away.
For the majority of her life, Vala’s best defence against a difficult situation
had been a quick escape. At first glance this situation was nothing new –
another threat to be dealt with. The IOA. Confinement to Area 51. Her hatred
for small spaces not withstanding, confinement – being held against her will,
not allowed to come and go as she pleased – was something that triggered an
innate flight response within her. As always her brain told her to escape.
She should have left right away. But she
couldn’t.
The locked door to her room – now her cell – was hardly a challenge. Skirting
through the corridors avoiding the guards and cameras was easy enough as well.
Vala’s skills might have been rusty but General Landry and the rest of the SGC
had clearly underestimated her abilities. Once she had the Sodan cloak she
headed up to the control room. After some snooping and eavesdropping she
determined that she had two choices, two opportunities to sneak off the base
with outgoing teams that afternoon. One a mere ten minutes away, with SG-11 -
an uninhabited forest planet. The second in approximately an hour, with SG-6 -
a trade planet. Instinct told her to leave right away and use the stargate on
the forest planet to take her wherever she pleased. But her heart was still
tugging her in another direction. Her mind rationalised her choice by claiming
that on the trade planet she might be able to win herself a ship. Her heart
just sighed at her brain’s weak attempt at self-deception.
She should have left right away. But she
couldn’t. Not yet.
So, instead of finding herself on some strange alien planet attempting to get
as far away from Earth as possible, she found herself following her habitual
route through the drab grey hallways of the base to a very familiar room. One
in which she had spent an inordinate amount of time over the last year,
considering her minimal interest in dusty artefacts. But Vala had never come to
Daniel’s lab for the myriad of books strewn about nor the statues or tablets or
whatever other new artefacts graced the tables. She came here for the slightly
grumpy, sometimes tiresome, but often endearing and always attractive Dr.
Daniel Jackson.
What had begun as attempts to distract him from his work had soon become honest
efforts to help him. It was the only way she could think of to spend time with
him when he refused to take her off the base or to take a break from his work.
She was willing to help translate Goa’uld or whatever he needed just to spend time
with him, no matter how bored she may have gotten poking around under all that
dust. It wasn’t uncommon for her to fall asleep, curled up in his computer
chair from either boredom or exhaustion. But recently she had awoken from these
naps covered in his BDU jacket, and if she didn’t stir too much she would catch
him gazing at her, distracted momentarily from whatever language he was trying
to decipher. Somehow seeing his soft smile as he observed her and waking up
under the warm weight of his jacket - surrounded by the smell of old books,
dusty planets, and an underlying scent that was uniquely Daniel - made the
resulting sore neck completely worth it.
She’d be kidding herself if she said what had started as an unexplained pull
towards this archaeologist - something that Vala had labelled as lust when she
first noticed it on the Prometheus two years ago – hadn’t become something much
deeper. She’d also be kidding herself if she didn’t notice that he was also
finally opening up to her, that his feelings had seemed to be growing as well.
Until now that is. But hey she was on a roll; self-delusions were becoming the
theme of the day. So she continued to pretend that their growing feelings
weren’t a large part of what was holding her here. For now at least, it made it
easier.
Sometimes the others would come here as well. Sam and Cameron teasing and
bantering, once in awhile coaxing a constantly sought after smile out of
Daniel, and Teal’c’s quiet presence was always solid and reassuring. They would
talk and laugh and for the first time in as long as she could remember she felt
like a part of something. Before SG-1 she never let herself get close to
people. She had learned long ago that if you didn’t use people, they would use
you, or be used against you and she couldn’t handle that pain. Not again. But
somehow, without her realising it, her walls had come down. And she had become
part of this family. It was dysfunctional at best, but until now, it had been
hers. She had finally started to feel like she belonged. It was her attachment
to this odd, thrown-together group that held her here still.
She should have left right away. But she
couldn’t. Not yet. She didn’t want to.
Vala’s brain screamed for her to escape while she still could, but it was more
complex than a simple getaway now. Her heart no longer agreed with her mind’s
habitual analysis of the circumstances. That was what made this situation
different, and infinitely more painful than all the other difficult spots she
had found herself in over the years.
She sat on a worktable in the corner of the lab with her knees pulled to her
chin. As she watched Daniel work, she remembered SG-1’s faces in the briefing
room after she told them about the second dream she’d had about the symbol and
the Clava Thessara Infinitas. Her head fell back against the wall as the images
of her friends disbelieving looks flashed through her mind. Vala’s eyes
squeezed shut in an attempt to prevent tears from falling. Somehow she had lost
the trust of the few people in the galaxy she thought were her friends, the
first people she had allowed herself to rely on fully since Quetesh. She
couldn’t believe the way they had brushed her off when her attempts to help had
backfired. What cut the deepest was that Daniel had lost faith in her; a faith
she had worked so hard to build up. She had looked to him desperately when the
others had left the briefing room. Vala felt that he alone might believe her,
support her once again. Somehow his silence hurt her more than any dismissive
comment ever could. His footsteps echoed down the hallway as he too turned his
back on her.
She had been “compromised.” She didn’t belong. Not anymore. This sense of loss
washed over her and like a great wave pushed her away. Towards the door of
Daniel’s lab, then towards the gateroom. Vala knew this was her one chance to
get away. So she took it. As much as it pained her to walk up the ramp and
through that gate, away from Stargate Command, from her friends, from Daniel,
she could not turn back now. Somehow Vala had lost her place here, as she had
lost her place everywhere else she had travelled in the galaxy. Just when she
had let down her guard, put down roots again, she had once more been torn away.
She would not let it happen again though. Never again. She would go back to
what she had been before – a drifter, alone, dependent only on herself. She
told herself that once she got away she would feel better, that it would hurt
less.
She should have left right away. She
didn’t want to. But she had to.
Vala curled up in her uncomfortable bed at the dingy inn on the trade planet.
She shivered and pulled the blankets closer, attempting to shield herself
against the cold that pressed in on her in the dark, empty room. But the
emptiness clawed at her no matter how tightly she wrapped the blankets. It was
inside. Now, alone in this bare vacant room, she allowed her strength to waver
for just a moment. Against her better judgement her mind strayed to what she
had had on Earth, what her life had been, and what it could have been – a
single tear rolled down her cheek, soaking into the pillow beneath.
She had left. But for some reason, this
time, it felt much more like being left behind.
** The End **
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