Living in Neverland
By: gioia_gg
CATEGORY: Angst
SEASON/SPOILERS: Post-Continuum, Spoilers for “Continuum”
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S NOTES: In this story, you have to assume that Qetesh in Continuum is our Vala, not an AU!Vala and she remembers everything. I hate that little reset button. I got the inspiration for this fic from various Neil Gaiman works and Ghost in the Shell.
Beta’d by hariboo_smirks. Thanks!
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://gioia-gg.livejournal.com/
When Daniel brought back Vala home, the moon was still high in the sky.
After the surgery, when she woke up in the infirmary, she
didn't say anything, just moved her hand over to her eyes which bore no tears
inside. She looked at her moving fingers in wonder like the peasants had looked
at the parting
As his blood turned cold, he wished that she had just cried.
He always expected it to be hard but he hadn't expect it to be that hard.
He knew her well. He watched her as she wandered around the base, looking beyond this world, out of reach. But for any another eyes looking from the outside she didn't look like someone who had suffered enough for two lifespan, she didn't look like she was wounded, vulnerable, scared. She smiled; behaved as if nothing had hiding behind a cheerful facade, a careless demeanor but sometimes she was distracted and acted as if she didn't really belong here, like she was just waiting something.
Daniel always knew life was hard and unfair. And everyone had his/her part in its unfairness. But people reacted differently to life, seeing different things in it. He had seen enough fallout to realize that. Sometimes it gave you a tough shell like Jack and sometimes it even made a hopeful fool like himself cynical like Jack. If you were Vala, who had been beaten, tortured, abused mentally and physically, locked inside your own body and mind, forced to live in a nightmare without having anywhere to escape but inside, looking at depths of youself who knew what you would see in those depths looking back at you. And after, when you would look back from there over to life, you would bear a smile that bore its secret deep inside.
“Vala.” He called her name softly. “Are you listening me?”
Her back still in front him, she turned slightly, looking over her shoulders, smiling a little. “I'm sorry.” She excused herself without making any explanations for her distraction, knowing well enough he would come up with one his own.
He dropped his head, sighing deeply. “Vala, I'm worried about you.”
“I'm fine, Daniel.”
“No, you're not. Please don't tell me otherwise.” He came near to her, putting his hand over her shoulder. “You don't have to cope with this alone.” He said with a small voice.
“I don’t want your pity.”
“It’s not pity.” He protested.
She then turned, looking at him with furious, sparkling eyes. “Do you think I don't know what you think, don't you?” She spat out between her teeth like venom, circling him. “You think about your wife when you look at me, wondering if she had lived, she would have been just like me, lost beyond reach.” She continued tauntingly, still circling him. “It is a war for you, isn't it? You don't want to lose this time. You could not be there last time, for her nor for Osiris's host. Didn't she kill herself before your eyes? Are you afraid that I'll do the same--”
“Enough!” He snapped as anger boiled inside him. “You said enough.”
“It hurts, doesn't it?” She said now with a small voice. “I always believe it would have been easier if I had had a home to return to after Tok'ra had released me the first time. I could have never imagined that it would have been harder. But it is. Much, much harder.” She turned around and began walking over to her bathroom.
She stopped at the door. “I do care about you, Daniel; more than you think but I refuse to be a trophy in your personal war against to Gao'uld.”
She entered the bathroom, closing the door behind her, leaving him at the center of room while the hot, raging anger still boiled inside him. His anger to her, to Gau’old, to life itself. He wanted to struggle with her, shake her up until some sense smacked into her. He wanted to yell at her that it wasn't easy for any one; that she wasn't the first one or the only one who have suffered.
He walked over to the door in a steady pace; his face was stone. At the front of the door, his hand stilled as he heard the muffled sobbing sounds coming from the other side of it. He dropped his head, sighing as the anger left him senseless and he felt numb as if he was naked in the cold. He saw her in his mind, on the floor of her bathroom, lying on the cold floor, her hand on her mouth, muffling her sobbing as she cried her heart out. His hand went to knob of the door but he dropped it half way, shaking his head. He left the room.
Sometimes no matter how much you wanted, you couldn't help.
* * * *
Qetesh, like most Gau'old, did not like the water. It
reminded her of the times when they had lived in the water, their origin, of
what they were in reality. Therefore, she, like most of her kin, had chosen her
territory somewhere that did not have much water, enjoying the feeling of the
desert and sand. And for that mere reason Vala always liked water. So when the
cold water of one of the lakes of
Coming to here hadn’t been too much trouble for her. She had memorized all-possible exits of SGC long before she had decided to live there. It was so natural to her that she hadn’t even realized it until one day she found them in her mind. Two hours walking and voila! She had found what she had been looking for. The beautiful, deserted pond among the trees.
She had her long-knee black dress on. She felt the muddy sand under her feet as the cool water passed her ankle. But still, it was not enough. She went deeper, her dress was wet, and she felt slightly stupid as the cool wind was now blowing her hair. It gave a chill, but she kept going, deeper and deeper.
When the water was just below her neck, she turned around
and looked at the city.
She then fell back into the water, closing her eyes as water surrounded her whole body. She didn't open her eyes, enjoying the feel of cold water around her, the feel of the now attached dress on her body. She, of course, wasn't any kind of religious person after all things she had seen. But still, she recognized the religious underpinnings of this act. A cleansing, of a sorts. She went deeper and deeper, deepest point of the lack, only to find absolute darkness behind her eyes, the despair, the loneliness, the feeling of being lost. After, as she began to rise above; she felt her spirit also rising. At the surface, she opened her eyes and looked at the stars above. As the cold water and autumn wind hit her, still caressing her face, and the light of the stars illuminated it, she somehow felt it, a tiny piece of hope.
She then smiled.
After a while, she walked back to the shore and sat on the dirty land. The autumn wind blew among her hair, making her a shiver. She picked the cell phone Daniel had given him long before and dialed his phone number. He didn't yell at her or get angry. He just asked with a voice that bore undertones of panic, where she was. She told him, telling her he would be there in thirty minutes he then hung up. She considered going into pond again but instead, she remained where she was. That moment had passed.
When Daniel found her, she was still on the shore, looking at the stars. He still didn't say anything, merely looked at her, her wet black dress, wet hair, her shivering figure.
“Let's go home, Vala.” He said, offering his hand to her. She looked at his eyes. Then she nodded, accepting his hand.
The trip to base was uneventful. Daniel drove quietly as Vala watched the outside world quietly, her head leaning against the window. “Stop.” She said, after a while, still looking outside. Daniel snapped his head back to her, confused.
“Stop.” She repeated. “I don’t feel like going back to the base, yet.”
He pulled over on the side of road. She got off the car and walked inside a grove as she looked over her shoulder to Daniel who still looking her strangely. He then dropped his head, gave in and followed her trail. When he found her, she sitting under one big tree. He looked up, and tired to figure out what kind of the tree it was but he had been always terrible with that kind of things. This time also was no exception.
He sat beside her, without saying anything, expecting her to open up in time. She still looked in deep thoughts, then she shook her head, as if she was furious with herself. “I’m sorry.” She murmured, her voice was a whisper, a gentle wind among the trees.
“I’m sorry,” She repeated, her voice less whispery, more confident. “The things I said. They were unkind and harsh.”
“…and right.” He added, shaking his head. “You’re right. When I look at you, sometimes I wonder about my wife. How would she have been like if I had saved her? I’m not gonna deny it.”
She snapped her head back to him; her eyes were open in wonderment.
“When I look at you, sometimes I think about Sarah too,” He continued, looking at the dirty ground. They were leaves everywhere, all around them, falling from the sky. “The things I should have done for her but didn’t, couldn’t.” He turned to her, cupping her face. “But they are both dead and you’re here, fading before my eyes. Maybe it is a war but it isn’t about me, it's about you. I don’t want to lose you. Would-- would you fight it for me, or is it too much to ask?” He asked, looking directly in her eyes.
“I’m too tired.” She said, turning her glance away.
“So am I.” Then did the only thing he could do now. He kissed her, slowly, tasting her tears on her lips. And he didn’t feel any slight pang of guilt over his heart. She then hugged at him tightly, and moved to sit on his hips, crying openly. He breathed deeply in relief.
“Daniel, tell me everything is going to be alright.” She pleaded, her face buried in his shirt. ”Tell me a lie.”
“Everything is going to be alright.” He obliged.
She then sighed, relaxing in his tight embrace. She felt like they were two lone individual against the darkness, together, confronting it, like in older times. But they couldn’t win this fight. They couldn’t make it go away. They were still there, in the darkness, the things wanted to hurt them, the nightmares were abroad, but as she held Daniel like he was life itself, for that moment, even the darkness didn’t seem so bad.
* * * *
After the Athena, when
Daniel brought Vala to the little pond among the trees, the moon was high in
the sky.
”Sometimes I don't
know why we're doing this. Why do we care? It's just like writing names unto
sand in the hope that it will last. But when we die, no one ever will remember
us. We're trying to save the galaxy but it won't last. Whatever we do, it won't
last. Nothing last forever.” She said, shaking her head, frustrated.
She threw her hands
into sky and continued. “Look at the stars. How bright they are, how
untouchable. Just an illusion.” She snorted. “Nothing last forever. Even stars
die.”
He looked at her, then
to the sky above them. “That hardly matters. From here, it looks like they will
last forever and ever.” He said, tilting his head.
She then let her arm
go. For a while she looked lost, but after a second she nodded her head,
smiling briefly. Daniel was right, from here they could still pretend.
“Everything is gonna be alright.” She said, nodding to herself. It wasn't a
question but then again it wasn't a statement either. He felt like she needed
his assurance.
“Yeah,” He said,
offering his hand to her. “Everything is gonna be okay.”
She took his hand,
feeling somehow calm. Maybe this was what so special about Daniel, she thought.
He didn't just make her believe in his lies; he made her believe in even hers
too.
** The End **
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