Jack and Daniel

Personal Sacrifice Part 26

By: Stacy L.

UNDERSTANDING AND COMMUNICATION

Learning to Trust Again

Journal Entry:

I hate myself. I totally hate myself. Do you know why? How many times, Jack? How

many times am I going to allow him to take me to bed, to fuck me, to humiliate me? How

many times am I going to willingly give myself to him?

I’m sure you hate me now, Jack…hate me and despise me. If you only knew the things

he makes me do to him, for him...

He orders me to willingly degrade myself, humiliate myself…he loves to make me feel

shame and disgust. Some of the things he orders me to do are…God, Jack you’d

never be able to understand. You could never understand why I must openly humiliate

myself for my lord.

Sometimes he makes me crawl for him, Jack. Yes crawl, on all fours like a

damned dog. Sometimes he orders me to smell him like a dog would. God, Jack I feel

so dirty and used. I’m so used to the way he treats me now that it actually excites me.

He can excite me by ordering me to crawl to him, to smell him…God, Jack I can’t help

it. He has me trained so well…I’m now his perfect little fuck toy, his perfect slut, his

perfect whore. I’m so ashamed. I must be losing my mind or think so little of myself…

I…how can being humiliated and degraded…how can that excite anyone? Yet when he

orders me to crawl for him I instantly become turned on and am ready to do whatever

he asks of me…anything to be granted the right to climax, anything to be freed from

chastity. I’ll do anything for him Jack, anything if he’ll permit me to climax. I…I can’t

stop myself as I willingly obey him. His touches, his orders, his presence triggers some

kind of ingrained response within that makes me instantly want to harden, makes me

instantly want to beg and plead for sex, to be pleasured and to please…

God, I’m such a filthy little whore now Jack. I know you can never love me. I’m

ruined and soiled now. I have nothing left. My body has betrayed me, my mind has

betrayed me and I have betrayed you. I have betrayed our love.

Leave me Jack. Please forget about me. I’m no longer worth anyone’s effort. I want to

die now, Jack. Things seemed to be better, but now I want to die again, to end my life…

just disappear, disappear and forget. I’ll never lead a normal life again even if you

somehow locate me. I no longer have any desire to live. I could never live knowing that

when you look upon me you will only see a slut, a bitch…a worthless excuse for a

human being. God, Jack I love you. I’ve always loved you, but I’m not worth your

time or your energy any longer. Just let me go, let me suffer my humiliation alone.

Somehow I’ll make it through…somehow. Maybe, maybe death is my best alternative.

It seems to be the only alternative I have left.

I’m sorry Jack, so sorry that I left him destroy me…

So sorry that I left him destroy us…

End of Journal Entry

They stood face to face in the silence Jack wanting to reconcile and Daniel looking as if he were preparing to run. Jack had been a bit surprised to find the younger man completely alone. He was by himself. No one else was around to warn him away or order him away. He stood there staring at Daniel for the longest time not sure of what to say or do but knowing that the last thing he wanted was for the man to run from him again. He spoke softly as he addressed his lover, “We need to talk. I mean really talk. We need to take the time to sit down with each other and talk through what happened.”

Daniel swallowed hard feeling his fear and uncertainty thrumming throughout his body. He swallowed harder then licked his lips before speaking barely audibly, “There’s nothing to talk about. I think you made your opinion of me pretty clear when you tried to rape me, Jack.”

Oh God, there it was that word, that dirty filthy word. Jack felt his body shudder in response to Daniel’s comments. Just the thought of how close he had come to…to doing that disgraced him. He had lost control and because of his stupid jealousy he had nearly destroyed the man he loved with all of his heart. He continued, “Daniel, I’m so sorry for…I’m sorry. I allowed my anger and rage to take over…I allowed my jealousy to take hold.”

Daniel flinched in response to that comment before continuing, “Jealousy? What the hell did you have to be jealous of, Jack?”

Jack cast his eyes downwards feeling a mix of anger and frustration fuel him. He knew what he had been jealous of or rather who he had been jealous of: Osiris. He spoke again, “I…I… Osiris. I was jealous of your love for Osiris…”

Daniel couldn’t believe what he was hearing coming out of Jack’s mouth. His love? HIS LOVE for Osiris? What love? He didn’t love him, never could. What kind of a person did Jack think he was? He should’ve known that there was no love, no relationship…Osiris had used him and he had allowed it to protect all those the Goa’uld lord had threatened to destroy. There was no love involved. Love never entered the picture so where the hell did Jack come up with that thought? He spoke now half irritated as he responded, “My love? MY LOVE? What love? I didn’t love him. I never loved him, Jack.”

“Well the way you responded to him I figured…”

The comment stung. He tried not to let it bother him, but he couldn’t help it. Jack…God, what did the man think of him now? He snapped back, “You figured I was a whore right? I believe that’s the word you used to describe me…a whore and a bitch…an easy fuck…”

Those words cut through him like a knife and he choked out, “Oh God, Daniel…”

“Don’t want to be reminded of what you said to me? Why not? After all you just may have been right about that. Perhaps I did enjoy it and I am a whore…in fact I did enjoy it. I loved being fucked by my enemy, my captor nearly every damned day! Yeah, I loved being raped by that fucker countless times! Is that what you want to hear Jack? Do you want to hear how I learned to like it, to want it…to want HIM? Would you like to hear how I begged and pleaded for him to make me come for him, Jack? Is that what you want to hear? Why don’t I tell you about how I loved to tongue fuck him and how I enjoyed his hands on me…yeah, is that what you want to hear, lover? How I enjoyed being raped in every possible way while I served my master, my lord. Oh yeah I was a real good sex slave, Jack. The bastard couldn’t get enough of me…I couldn’t get enough of him. I loved the times he would bite me and claw me. Enjoyed the times he mauled me and made me perform for him in front of other system lords. Oh yeah loved it when I had an audience. Are those the things you’d like to hear? Do you want to hear how much of a whore, a prostitute and a slut your lover is Jack? Would that make you happy? WOULD IT?”

Jack felt his heart aching and crying out for Daniel. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms tightly around the man and hold him until all the nightmares went away until all the self-loathing and self-hatred leaked away. He couldn’t stand to hear his lover saying such crude things about himself. He didn’t know how to even respond to the onslaught of words that had just poured from his mouth. All he could muster was, “Oh God, Danny, no…no I don’t want to hear those things. Daniel, you’re none of those things.”

Daniel felt his anger fleeing just as rapidly as it had surged forth allowing the depression and despair room to enter and take control. He spoke barely above a whisper finding that the words were becoming so very difficult to utter. His throat hurt, his body hurt, his heart hurt…his damned soul hurt. He forced himself to reply feeling the weight of the words threatening to crush him under their huge strength, “According to you I am…you…you… How could you say those things to me, Jack? How? How could you be so cruel, so cold? Tell me, Jack, do I really disgust you that much? Am I really that repulsive to you now?”

“God Danny, no, no you’re not. You’re not repulsive to me…”

Daniel focused on Jack feeling tears beginning to pool at the edge of his eyelids preparing to spill over and roll down his cheeks. He held them back and choked out, “Then why can’t you look at me, Jack? Why can’t you stand to be near me?”

“I can look at you. I am near you…”

He started to shake his head sadly back and forth quietly commenting, “Jack, you’re on one side of the room and I’m on the other. God, Jack, you can’t even look at me! I know that I’m…ruined…I know that I’m soiled…dirty… I know that I’m filthy, that I’m no longer clean. I know, Jack, believe me I know. I know that I’m simply used property…God, Jack, you don’t have to rub it in. I already know.”

The tears started to slip down over his cheeks and he could no longer look at Jack as he hung his head in shame and disappointment. He still felt so cheap and so, so unclean. He whispered, “I know…that you can’t even bear to be this close to me and it hurts…hurts so badly…”

Aw God, Daniel was hurting so much…so very much. Osiris had not only stolen Daniel’s freedom he’d stolen his self-esteem. He was so shattered now…so… He was…he needed to heal. He needed to learn to respect himself again and to trust himself again. God, had he been partly responsible for the broken man before him? Had he helped Osiris to nearly destroy the love of his life? He had…he had…when he attacked Daniel…when he tried to…to rape…he had helped Osiris bring Daniel Jackson to his knees. How could he ever forgive himself for what he had done to his lover? Daniel would probably never forgive him, and he doubted he’d be able to do so either. As he stood there looking at the broken man before him he recalled some of those words from one of Daniel’s journal entries:

‘My life is sheer hell and you stand there and dare to pass judgment on me? You can’t understand why I desire to end my life now. I have no reason to live…none at all…I love you, but I can’t go on any longer…please don’t hate me for what I’m about to do, love…’

Oh yeah he remembered those words very well. He could probably quote that entire passage, for that was the time Daniel had been preparing to kill himself. He’d written about stealing a knife from the armory and hiding it. His plan: to go to a place no one would look for him and kill himself. God, he had almost lost the man then…probably several times before and after that as well and could see, could tell that he was again nearly at the end of his rope. He had to help his precious lover to deal with everything that had happened to him. He had to help Daniel to heal and to regain his self-respect. He had to try to bring Danny back home…back from Osiris’ clutches. He needed to bring Daniel back home where he belonged. If he didn’t Daniel could end up lost…forever. He made his first attempts at getting through as he said, “Daniel, that’s not true… Why are you being so hard on yourself? Why?”

Daniel slowly raised his head, angrily wiping at the few tears that managed to escape before continuing, “Jack, if I really was clean to you then you would have never felt the need to force me to make love to you. You tried to…to rape me, Jack. Hell you did…you…with your finger… It wasn’t enough for you that I already felt cheap and used. You had to prove to me just how pathetic I was…am… Go away, Jack. Leave me alone. You’ve already done enough damage. Just go away.”

Go away? Was he crazy? Jack shook his head emphatically before replying, “NO! I won’t go away! I refuse to go away…”

Daniel stared at him momentarily stunned by Jack’s vocal refusal, but quickly recovered as he snapped back, “See you don’t even respect my wishes! You can’t accept no! I said go away! I mean GO AWAY! Get out of here! Don’t let me sully you any more than I already have! GO!”

“NO! I won’t leave you!”

“You already have…go! Please just leave!”

Could he be too late to save his lover? Had he waited too long to reach out and attempt to grasp that hand before Daniel slid into the abyss of despair? Was there any hope left at all or had he waited too long? NO! He would not give up! He refused to give up! Dammit Daniel would just have to deal with his presence, for he wasn’t going anywhere. The man would have to simply get used to him being around because he was not leaving…EVER AGAIN! Daniel would have to kill him to keep him away. He refused to give up on him. He had almost given up on Daniel before and it nearly cost them both their lives. He’d be damned if he’d turn his back on him again. Nope Daniel Jackson would just have to learn to deal with his presence because he was not going anywhere! He quickly spoke to dispel Daniel’s request of him, “Daniel, you really don’t mean that. I know you don’t mean that.”

Daniel gaped at him becoming outraged and angry when Jack still refused to leave. The tears were now falling unbidden down across his cheeks, but he didn’t care about that now all he wanted was for Jack to leave. As Jack again refused he snapped and launched into him shoving and pushing him towards the door, yelling for him to leave. Why wouldn’t Jack just leave? WHY? He didn’t want him here! He didn’t! He screamed with a mix of frustration, fear, rage and shock as Jack’s arms suddenly entwined around him pulling him against his solid chest and effectively pinning him in place. He fought against the hold cursing and ordering Jack to leave him alone. He tried to kick Jack, to head butt him and to claw at him determined to escape anyway he could. When the arms grew even more unyielding Daniel struggled more fiercely cursing and twisting in Jack’s arms desperately trying to break free and wanting nothing more than to be left alone. He demanded that Jack release him, but the older man refused to do so choosing instead to wrap his arms even tighter around his lover. Daniel stiffened in his hold the moment the grip grew tighter, hearing Jack’s voice crooning against his ears as he urged him to calm down and to relax. No, NO he would not calm down! HE WOULD NOT! Instantly he returned to violently twisting and squirming in Jack’s arms determined to free himself from the hold fighting with every fiber of his being to escape the unwanted touch. When it became apparent that he wasn’t strong enough to do so he resorted to pleading with Jack to release him feeling panic and fear stirring within, but Jack still refused to yield. The more he pushed the more insistent Jack became until most of his energy and strength fled. He collapsed against Jack cursing when he realized that his struggles were futile. Damn Jack! Damn him, for being the stronger one. DAMN HIM!

Jack held onto Daniel with an iron grip determined to keep him there and to deter any further attempts of his to run away. They were going to talk and they were going to do that RIGHT NOW, whether he had to hold a combative Daniel all night or not! He relaxed only slightly when he felt the resistance abruptly flee Daniel’s body quietly urging, “Tell me how you feel, Daniel. Tell me what you’re going through…please.”

Daniel felt trapped; his heart was racing in his chest and fear was once again threatening to rear its ugly head. In an attempt to force it back and maintain what little vestige of control he had he resorted to lashing out, pounding his fist against Jack and shouting, “LET ME GO! LEAVE! PLEASE GO!”

“No, Daniel, no! I’m not going to let you go and I’m definitely not going anywhere! I left you once and I refuse to leave you again. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me…”

Daniel could hear the determination in the older man’s voice and started to feel helpless sensing that Jack would never release him. His panic continued to build triggering new attempts to resist and fight. He quickly returned to violently squirming in Jack’s arms trying to again slip free while shouting a denial, “NO! NO GODDAMNIT! YOU’RE STILL NOT LISTENING TO ME! You still aren’t hearing me. Let me go! Please! Don’t touch me! GET AWAY FROM ME!”

Determined not to surrender Jack only tightened his hold calmly answering, “Give up the fight Daniel because I’m not going anywhere.”

Daniel shrieked in frustration as fresh tears cascaded down his face. He felt helpless, totally and completely helpless and he was scared to death. As his strength left him he felt his legs buckling beneath his body. He sagged against Jack who slowly lowered him to his knees on the floor. He attempted to curl up as Jack’s voice demanded answers. God, he couldn’t handle that right now! NO! As the fight went out of him he started rambling through a mix of gasps and sobs, “NO! No, God please no! You used me…you hur…hurt me so badly…and after all I did for you…you couldn’t accept my gift…couldn’t understand why I wanted to wait…couldn’t believe me…COULDN’T TRUST ME!”

Jack held him tightly beginning to rock him listening to the onslaught of comments as Daniel tried to break through his panic, his pain and his shame. Daniel continued, “I…I saved myself for you…locked it away…locked it up and kept it safe…kept it safe for you, Jack…didn’t want it tarnished or soiled, so I locked it up…”

Calming his voice to a soothing pitch in hopes that the tone would calm his lover Jack continued questioning, “What Daniel? What did you lock away? Tell me, please.”

Speaking through a voice thick with tears and sorrow Daniel attempted to answer the questions struggling to catch his breath in between words as he tried to force out the answers Jack was demanding, “My love…my heart…locked it away and buried it deep, so very deep, so Osiris couldn’t get all of me…no, I refused… He…he made me surrender…made me respond…had no choice, no choice. If I refused horrible…horrible things would happen to everybody. I know he…he showed me what he could do if I denied him…all dead, dead because of me…they’re all dead. No more…gone because…because I refused to comply…after that I had no choices left. God, they’re all dead because of me…because I wouldn’t willingly surrender. I killed them all…my fault, all my fault…so, so many lives…so, so many people dead…gone…no more…all my fault…all of it. He told me so…had no choice, none or he’d…he’d do it again…and again until I listened…until I obeyed…til’ I surrendered my body to him…raped…raped over a hund…hundred times…then come…come back here and you…you hurt…hurt me…threw my love away. Threw me away…dir…dirty now…soil…soiled, mine…I’m…mmm…filth…filthy… unlovable…used property…damaged goods…no good…no more…destroyed…everything…everything’s been destroyed now. I have nothing left…nothing. Lost you…lost the most important thing in my life…you…needed you…need you still but…but you don’t…you just don’t…can’t stand to…to…”

Daniel fell silent as it became so much more difficult to speak. He knew that he was rambling and most likely not making sense. He could barely talk now as he gasped for breath and started sniffling. He could feel his shoulders violently shuddering and his throat aching so much. He fell silent curling up in Jack’s arms and continuing to silently cry for all he had lost.

Jack pulled Daniel closer lowering his head and attempting to cocoon him within his embrace. He enfolded Daniel in his arms knowing that he would be able to relax some when his body was held more compact. Daniel was so frightened, so scared, so uncertain…so depressed and angry…Jack swallowed hard hating seeing his lover reduced to such despair. He hated seeing him reduced to a mere shell of the man he used to be. Daniel’s sobs broke his heart. The man was lost, so lost and so confused. He recalled the many pleas Daniel had made to him throughout the months of his captivity. There were numerous journal entries where he had asked him, had begged him to come and save him…told him that he was the only one capable of healing his shattered soul, of returning him to the man he had once been. He swallowed hard as he spoke softly, “I’m so sorry, Daniel, so sorry for all the things you’ve lost, all of your pain and sadness. If I could I’d willingly take on your torments and your suffering. I would gladly take on those things. I’m so sorry for what I did to you and for what was done to you…so sorry… God, Daniel I don’t know how to help you, I don’t know how to heal you. What am I supposed to do? What do you need me to do for you, Danny? Please tell me what you need from me. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel…how you’ve been feeling…please…tell me. God, I love you Daniel. I love you. I know that’s probably very hard for you to believe after the way I treated you, but it’s true. I love you with all my heart and all my soul.”

Daniel remained silent still crying and remaining curled up sniffing. After what seemed like hours of silence Daniel spoke in a broken voice, “I still can’t, Jack. I can’t…”

“Can’t what?”

“Can’t. I try. I’ve tried but I…I just can’t…not anymore…”

“Can’t what Danny? What are you talking about?”

“Can’t…my heart’s still not here…I…I can’t.”

“Your heart?”

Daniel started to cry harder wanting Jack to understand but knowing that he most likely wouldn’t. He hadn’t understood before so why should he understand now? He still spoke softly as he continued, “I…I…I still can’t feel, Jack…can’t…love you so much but can’t…unlock…buried too long…I can’t feel…I don’t feel anything, Jack. I’m…it’s like I’m numb…and I hate being that way, especially with you but I’m…I can’t feel anymore. I…I feel nothing…you don’t understand…could never understand…”

Jack held Daniel tighter thinking about all those journal entries he had read in which Daniel became so lost, so good at disassociation and spacing out that he shut himself down. He safeguarded what he could by shutting himself down…shutting everything down…now he couldn’t open those things, those places he has kept hidden for so very long…that was probably what he was trying to say the day Jack almost…the day he had almost…the day…that day…he couldn’t do it…couldn’t make love not because he loved Osiris or any other reason except that he simply couldn’t unlock his heart and allow feelings and emotions to surface.

Jack could feel tears piercing his own eyes and threatening to spill. Daniel sounded so lost, so heartbroken. He started to hush the man gently rocking him while holding him tightly against him. He softly crooned, “Shh, shh…let it out Danny. Let it all out. I’m here for you and I’m not leaving. We can get through this. We can…”

“No, no…you don’t…don’t want…”

“I do, I do…God Daniel I made a mistake, a horrible mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I almost destroyed you…almost destroyed the one person in this world who means so much to me…”

“Not…not true…”

Jack continued speaking with conviction, “Yes, yes it is true Danny. I need you. I love you. I can’t live without you.”

“I’m no good…soiled, dirty…”

“I don’t give a damn about that, love, all I care about is you. All I care about is being here for you, offering you strength and support, loving you…”

“Don’t believe…”

Jack stopped his rocking motion leaning back to peer at Daniel’s still hidden face. He reached up with his left hand and pressed it so tenderly against the side of Daniel’s head. He quietly urged, “Look at me. Look at me, love.”

Daniel’s answer came in the shake of his head. Jack continued, “Please look at me. Please. I want to see those beautiful eyes of yours, love. I want to see that handsome face. I want to look upon the face of the man who holds my heart in his hands. Please Danny. Please.”

Daniel slowly lifted his head but kept his eyes downcast refusing to look at Jack. Jack smiled then said, “Yes, that’s it. Raise your head, look at me…”

Daniel shook his head no scared to death to look into the face of the man who he felt he had betrayed and the man who hurt him so badly. He continued, “I can’t…I can’t Jack…”

“What are you worried about?”

“I’m…I’m…afraid…”

“Afraid? Of what?”

“That you won’t like what you see anymore. I…I can’t do it, Jack. I can’t see the hatred and loathing, the scorn in your eyes…the pity…I…I can’t handle that, not from you, please…please don’t make me. I don’t think I can bear it. Please.”

Jack felt those pleas stab at his heart. God, Daniel had suffered so much, too much. He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to the top of Daniel’s head. Daniel gasped in shock, surprise and fear. He’d never expected Jack to ever kiss him again, not after how ruined he now was. Jack softened his voice further as he continued, “Daniel, I don’t hate you and I sure as hell don’t loathe you…”

“Yes you do. Don’t lie to me to make things better. It won’t work. I’ve been lied to so much already please don’t insult me by lying to me.”

“God Danny, no, no. I would never do that to you. Never. God, why would you think…?”

“Why would you think I enjoyed being his sex slave? Why did you believe I enjoyed being his fuck toy, his servant or his damned dog? Why? How could you have even…? Please just stop lying to me. I can’t take the lies anymore. I CAN’T! Please…”

“Danny, I love you with all my heart. These past few days without you were worse than the last several months…”

“Why because you got your tramp back, but he refused to warm your bed?”

Oh God, Daniel was so bitter with himself. He shivered as those words told him the depth with which Daniel’s sorrow and despair went. Those words told him just how much Daniel loathed himself. He hated himself. God, how could he undo all the harm that has been done to his lover not only physically but also psychologically and emotionally? He shook his head saying, “No…no… Because I knew how badly I hurt you on the day I…I…”

“Tried to rape me?”

“Danny, I…I know that I hurt you terribly and it’s nearly killing me to know that I’m responsible for all the pain and torment you’ve been struggling with. I’m so sorry I hurt you, so sorry. I wish that I could somehow go back and undo that momentary lapse of control when I allowed jealousy and rage to surface.”

He pressed another tender kiss to the top of Daniel’s bent head before asking softly, “Do you have any idea how painful and difficult it’s been to wake up alone this past year only to have you return to me and in a fit of jealousy I hurt you more than he ever had?”

Daniel said nothing and still kept his eyes downcast. Jack continued in a softer tone of voice, “Danny, I need you. I can’t live without you. I’ve been fooling myself, fooling myself into believing that I could handle your absence from my life. I’ve been fooling myself and I’ve been such an idiot. I know I can never make up for my attempts to…to hurt you. I just…I just kept seeing images of you and him…of the two of you together and it angered me, it enraged me to see that he could bring you so alive with a single touch. He succeeded where I failed. Yes, you started to respond instantly to my touch, my God you were on fire but it wasn’t enough for me, it wasn’t. I wanted ALL of you. I wanted to see love, tenderness and caring reflect in those perfect eyes of yours but it was mysteriously absent. Tell me did you have those things in your eyes when you looked at Sarah?”

“NO!”

Daniel again shoved at Jack trying to push him away, angry now that Jack would ask that question. Jack quickly gained control of his lover pinning him in a hug. He listened to Daniel’s now harsh breathing, giving Daniel time to relax. When he sensed Daniel was able to listen again he continued, “Of course you didn’t. I know that. Your love has always been for me, for only me…”

Daniel inhaled sharply continuing accusingly, “Then why’d you ask…?”

“Because it hurt me to know he could get your passion and your desire but what hurt more than anything, Daniel, more than anything was knowing that when we attempted to make love upon your return all you could give me was that passion, that fire as well. I became angry initially because you responded so willingly, so quickly to his every touch. Then when I attempted to make love with you and you started to tell me no, started to fight me, I became so angry…I just…I just didn’t know how to handle it and handled things so wrong.”

Daniel’s next words were spoken so softly that Jack had to strain to hear him, “Then tell me…what made you stop? What made you stop hurt…hurting me, Jack?”

“What made you say no to me? What was going through that brilliant mind of yours that night?

Daniel refused to answer feeling his heart aching as Jack deliberately dodged his question refusing to answer it. He started breathing heavier feeling suddenly as if Jack were smothering him. He tried to remain still but was only growing more restless, nervous and fidgety. He wanted Jack to answer his question. He needed Jack to answer it. Why had Jack stopped hurting him that night? Was it simply because he was tired of the resistance and of the denying? Was it because Jack no longer viewed him worthy of having sex with? Or were there other reasons? Why did Jack stop? Why was it so important to him that Jack answer that one little question?

Jack sensed Daniel’s restlessness and could tell he was no longer comfortable in his arms, for the man was squirming as if he were trying to wiggle free. He lowered his gaze before continuing, “Daniel…it’s very hard for me to discuss what happened that evening…I’ll never forgive myself for the hurt I caused you that night. I…I… Oh God, this is so hard…I… Every time I remember that night I remember your desperation, your need to flee…from me. I remember your fear, so potent… You’re still afraid of me. I remember the shame and degradation I saw in your eyes. I remember the despair…the self-loathing, the shock so clearly. Danny…um…hmm God I, ah, I… You begged me and pleaded with me to stop. You said no at least a dozen times, but I still wouldn’t listen. I became angrier, so angry with you. I became angry with you and you did nothing to deserve it, nothing. I…there…there were even a few…moments when I was so…so pissed off that…that I… God, the things I accused you of. The things I said to you. I feel so ashamed of myself for doing that to you…words spoken in anger that were like poison to you… You were already feeling so upset and angry with yourself. You hated yourself. I think you still do…and instead of helping I…I lashed out, made things so much worse and nearly destroyed you with cold, harsh, bitter words, words you’ll never forget…words that will fester inside of you and eat away at your soul. You probably still hear those words and…and you may actually believe them. They’re not true, Daniel, they’re not but you’ll never be able to forget them or the one who said them to you. I don’t deserve you…not because of what he, what they put you through, not because of you but because of what I did to you. I love you, I love you so much yet in a moment of weakness I…I hurt you, crippled you, wounded you more than Osiris ever had. I…oh God, Daniel, I actually struck you…I…I hit you not once but twice…even after you screamed…oh God, that scream was so horrible. I still hear it you know and it breaks my heart to know I made you scream like that. You panicked when I hit…hit you…you…oh God…I crushed you. I know I did…I could see your shock, your denial of what was happening. Instead of…instead of I…um…I accused you of so many things…called you such awful, vicious names. You attempted to curl in on yourself, to protect and shield yourself and I wouldn’t even let you do that. I was determined to keep total and complete control over you. You fought and I…hurt you more. I don’t deserve you. You’re too precious, too…too good…you’re too good for me, Danny. I don’t deserve you. I don’t. What made me stop? You…you made me stop. You and my love for you… God, when you froze under me, when you gave up the fight, when you stopped resisting me…when you…when I saw you cowering in fear from me I…I knew I lost you, especially when you screamed at me not to touch you. I couldn’t move as you sat up, grabbed your clothes and ran for the door. I knew you were in shock and knew I lost you completely. God, Daniel, I don’t want to lose you but I don’t deserve you. I swore to protect you, honor you, cherish you…I swore to love you and I couldn’t even shield you from myself. I couldn’t be there for you when you desperately needed me to be there. I was blinded by rage and jealousy. I was a fool. I am a fool. Oh God, when you…when I pushed you against the door desperately trying to cling to you, to make you stay…it cut me like a knife to watch you slip into a trance…scared the hell out of me, Daniel, to see you become instantly submissive and meek, instantly robotic…you were merely responding to stimuli…that’s when I realized you’d sacrificed your heart, your love, your feelings and emotions…that’s when I realized what you had been trying to make me see and understand. You wanted me to stop because you couldn’t love me…you were too afraid to release your love, release your heart…so afraid, so afraid to make that ultimate sacrifice. You were right. It was too soon for you. I should have never even suggested we make love that night. I should’ve known it was too soon. I should’ve listened to Janet. I should have listened to you.”

Jack continued to sit on the floor holding Daniel tenderly in his arms as he rocked him. He started pressing kisses to the top of Daniel’s head between words and comments and gently rubbed his hands across Daniel’s back marveling in how wonderful it felt to hold him again. He wanted to stop talking but knew that Daniel needed to hear his words so he continued, “I’m talking a lot, aren’t I? I have a lot to say and a lot to atone for. I’m sorry, love. I’m sorry for everything and sorry it’s taken me so long to say the things that I should’ve said way before now. I was scared to death that night, especially when you left in your car crying and upset. I kept thinking you were going to give up. I know you’re not a quitter, but I was still afraid…”

“Yes, I am.”

“What?” Jack was a bit surprised that Daniel spoke. Daniel continued, “I almost gave up so many times, Jack…so many times.”

“But you never went through with it.”

“Came so close…had it all planned out perfectly…Zeenan stopped me…Zeenan and…and you…you would speak to me sometimes…telling me to keep fighting, to hold on. Telling me you were coming… You used to warm me too…warm me and soothe me when it became too much,” Daniel chuckled sadly as he continued, “I had this place on his ship…this window…just a window. I’d sit there for hours…watching the stars, thinking of you…and everyone…made me feel closer to you. It was just a silly window but to me it was everything…”

Jack found himself recalling passages from Daniel’s journal that he had read several times…so many passages…so many pages and pages of letters, messages to him, for him…that’s how Daniel spoke with him…most of the journal was written directly to him.

The silence stretched between them until Jack broke it with the low tones of his own voice, “Could you ever find it in your heart to forgive me…?”

“I don’t have a heart anymore, Jack…”

Jack felt the tears fall then as those words nearly killed him. He was too late to save Daniel. He waited too long, too damned long. He inhaled sharply as Daniel focused on him for the first time. He no longer felt it necessary to hide the tears from his lover. Daniel stared at him looking at his face intently. He could only stare at Daniel as the man reached up and gently traced the path of tearstains with his finger looking at him with the innocence and wonder of a child, and Jack found himself recalling when they had first met: the geeky archaeologist and the hard-nosed military Colonel. What a pair they’d made… They had conflicted from the moment they met yet sparks flew between them as friendship became love… Jack concentrated on Daniel’s face wanting to remember this look…he feared he’d never see it again because he was too late, too late to save Daniel and too late to help him unlock his heart, for Daniel said that he no longer had one.

Daniel looked up at Jack seeing the tears in his eyes and…and love? Oh God, love? No, no…Jack didn’t love him he despised him. NO. But the longer he stared at the man holding him close the more that love seemed to shine brightly in the man’s eyes. Without thought he gently traced a tear track marveling at the fact that Jack was crying and looking at him with love sparkling in those dark brown depths. He licked his lips still keeping his finger pressed lightly against Jack’s face as he softly explained “I gave it to you a long time ago.”

Jack’s eyes bulged out upon hearing those words. He was speechless. All he could do was stare. Daniel still loved him? Still needed him after…after? Oh my God the man was amazing! He noticed Daniel still looking intently at him and as he made eye contact with him Daniel’s lips turned upward into the most beautiful sight he had seen in a very, very long time…a smile…not just a smile, this smile held warmth and tenderness…this smile was just for him. Oh God, oh God dare he even believe that Daniel…? No, no, no…Daniel hated him. He did! But then Daniel suddenly lifted up and pressed those luscious lips to his own. A kiss…a kiss so soft, so light that he would never have believed it happened except that his lips tingled. The kiss was shy, experimental, hesitant but so goddamned magnificent! Those lips remained touching his for the briefest of seconds. His lover was no longer as confident as he had been. In that kiss he could feel all of Daniel’s fears, uncertainties, doubts and hesitation but the kiss was beautiful.

Daniel glanced away shyly acting nervous and frightened. He spoke softly, “I’m…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I…”

“Shh, shh, it’s all right.”

Daniel focused intently on him and in those blue depths Jack saw a faltering confidence and so much uncertainty. Daniel continued speaking so softly that he had to strain just to hear him, “Jack, can you do it?”

“Do what, Danny?”

Daniel downcast his eyes, licking his lips nervously and forcing himself to answer the question. He focused on Jack again continuing, “Bring me back…bring me back from there, from him? Do you have the power, the strength, the patience and the desire to…to help…help bring me home? I want to come home, Jack. I want every part of me back. Do you have the patience and the strength to do…to help me…heal?”

Jack inhaled sharply shocked that Daniel would ask for his help after all the pain he had given the man. He spoke softly not daring to believe, “Yes, if you would let me but…”

“No, no buts please…I’m tired of feeling nothing…tired of…of…please help me, Jack. Please.”

“Do you want me to help even after…after the things I did to you?”

Daniel continued to hold his gaze staring at Jack for the longest time trying to push back the doubts and fears that wanted to encroach and destroy what little vestige of hope still remained within his shattered, torn soul. He made himself respond before he lost his nerve shaking his head and saying, “Yes…yes I do. Please?”

Jack could see the little ray of hope sparking within Daniel’s magnificent azure gaze but along with that little sliver of hope still remained his fear, his doubt and his hesitation. He watched Daniel intently, silently urging him to accept the help he so desperately needed to become whole again. As Daniel nodded his head Jack felt as if a heavy weight lifted off of his shoulders and a dam had broken within him. He could feel more tears sliding past his eyelids, gently cascading down his cheeks to drip on both himself and his lover’s upturned face. Again Daniel’s hand moved and his finger traced the tear streaks. Daniel gently swiped away some of the tears with his thumb as he focused those fear laden eyes on him and Jack answered him, “Yes…if you’ll have me.”

Daniel felt the hand he had been waiting for, reaching for and desperately trying to hold onto reach out and snatch him pulling him back from those deep, dark depths…back from the murky water he had been treading in for so very long. For the first time in a long time he could finally see the shore up ahead and no longer felt as if he were desperately clawing and screaming, frantically struggling to keep his head above the surface. He could finally relax and allow the still water to buoy him and allow the strong arms to hold him and carry him back to that distant shore. The tension in his body started to fade and tears of joy and hope sprang from his eyes but instead of wiping them away he continued to look upon the face of the one who could save him, the one who came back to him after being gone for so very long. He no longer had to fight the overwhelming battle alone for he now had someone with whom to share his burden, someone who amazingly still loved him even after all that had happened. Someone who still loved him even though he was no longer the same man he had been all those months ago before Bursiris, before Osiris, before Alandria, before Dionysus, before his enslavement, before his lover’s cruelty and misunderstandings, before his eternal nightmare and condemnation even began…

As Daniel once again found his voice he answered, “Yes.”

“This won’t be easy…”

“I…I know…I’m afraid it may be too late for me already…”

“It’s never too late… Tell me how you feel. How do you feel Daniel?”

“I…I can’t…I don’t feel…the only time I could feel was…was during sexual…acts and then I only felt passion…desire, primal need…noth…nothing else. I feel helplessness, hopelessness, sadness…shame, guilt…I can’t feel anything else, Jack.”

“Well that’s going to change. I promise you that,” and as Jack looked deeply into the pristine blue eyes of his lover he smiled answering, “In fact, I believe it already has.”

** The End **

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