Personal Sacrifice
Part 25
By: Stacy L.
LOST IN CONFUSION
Jack swallowed hard wiping at the tears still moistening his cheeks. He rocked steadily back and forth clutching the precious journal to him as he thought of the passage he had just read. He didn’t know how to react to it. Daniel, his precious love had suffered so much and in a fit of rage… What was he going to do? How could he fix the damage he had caused? He needed to speak to Daniel again, needed to feel the young man in his arms, needed to hold him close. He needed Daniel. He ached for Daniel.
He carefully eased the journal away wanting to reread the passage that had made him ache so fiercely. He cleared his throat before carefully opening to the last entry he had read noting how his hands shook as he did so. He closed his eyes tightly before again returning them to the passage that had nearly ripped his heart out of his chest with the depth and sorrow of it…
Journal Entry
Alandria…a name
I’ll never forget. It haunts my dreams; they haunt my dreams. Their
screams fill my
head as they cry out for justice, as they cry out for mercy. They didn’t
want to die. They
shouldn’t have had to die.
Alandria is one
of those threats Osiris loves to use against me…ranks right up there
with threatening
to destroy Earth, to destroy Sam and Teal’c and to destroy you. What
is Alandria you
ask? Well, let me tell you about it, love. Alandria was a very beautiful
planet that we
visited, oh in the first month or two. Osiris had a meeting with the
goddess Athena
and Alandria was one of her planets. From the heavens it was…it sort
of looked like
Earth, only instead of white and blue it was pink and purple. You should
have seen it
Jack. It was a beautiful planet.
We had
transported to the surface of Alandria via the rings, and I couldn’t resist
taking
a peak at it. You
know how curious I am…I had to look, but perhaps I shouldn’t have.
Is that why
Osiris did what he had? Did he see how much I admired the beauty of the
planet? Is that
why he chose to…?
Oh God Jack, I
killed them. I killed them all. Every living creature on Alandria died
because of me. It’s
all my fault. If I had only agreed to become Osiris’ bed mate…
He destroyed them
you know…destroyed the whole damned planet. He killed every
living woman, man
and child, every plant, every animal…all of them. They’re dead,
gone. What
remains are…rocks, rocks floating in space. God Jack, if I had just
allowed Osiris to
have his way with me then Alandria would have been spared.
God, on that day
my heart broke. I could feel the tears falling down my face…
didn’t want him
to see them but I was so heartbroken and so shocked that I just
didn’t care. Now,
now they’re dead, all of them are dead because I denied him…I
denied my lord.
Jack, do you have
any idea how it feels to be totally responsible for the destruction of an
entire planet?
Well, I do and you dare to ask me how I could so willingly go to bed with
my captor? It
shames me to have to offer my body to him so often and so willingly. I
feel so degraded
and so damned humiliated when he touches me and I respond. He’s
trained me so
well, Jack…trained me to obey like a damned dog. One touch, one little
touch is all it
takes and I’m responding to him willingly. I feel so cheap, Jack. I feel
like a whore, a
slut the way I respond so openly and so automatically to his touches, but
he’s trained me
so well. How did he do it you ask? By destroying Alandria before my
eyes and telling
me that if I refused to offer myself to him every night he’d do it again.
By telling me
that if I didn’t surrender my passion, my desire to him then Earth would
be added to his
list.
God Jack, their
screams are so loud sometimes. Sometimes I’ll lie in bed and cover my
ears trying to
block out the screams of those innocent victims. Their blood stains my
hands, Jack. I killed
them. I destroyed an entire planet.
At night they
return: sometimes to cry, sometimes to scream, sometimes to accuse…
The nightmares
are getting better, but now instead of dreaming of those innocent
victims on
Alandria accusing me of murdering them I see you and you are accusing me
of allowing such
a horrible thing to happen. Jack, it breaks my heart those dreams… I
can’t stand to
see you so angry, so disappointed, so ashamed of me…ashamed because I
allowed it to
happen. I allowed Osiris to destroy that planet. I allowed him to destroy
everything…
‘After tonight
you will no longer pull away from me, you will no longer deny my
pleasure
and you will do whatever I desire of
you…’ Those were his exact words to
me, and after he
destroyed Alandria…his reason for doing so: because I denied him,
because I denied
him, Jack.
God, his first
command after I…after I submitted to him? ‘Crawl, crawl for your lord.
You will learn to
crawl on command. You will crawl for me, my precious servant…’
Humiliation
doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt on that day when he ordered me to
crawl for
him…naked…like a damned dog…crawl to him and service him… God, when
I refused again
he, he said that I would begin my position training and made me bow in
such a way that,
that everything was fully exposed to him… Aw, God, how I hated
myself that
night…how I still hate myself for allowing him to humiliate me so…
He uses
humiliation as a weapon. He wields it without a conscience and I nearly
crumble under it.
Jack, I know how ashamed you must be of me; the things I’ve done to
ensure that no
harm would come to you, Earth or any other planet…the humiliating
things I’ve had
to endure…
God, Jack, you
could never understand…
End of Journal Entry
The tears were still traveling down across his cheeks as he felt Daniel’s pain and suffering cut at him like a knife. His lover had suffered so much, too much. Why? Why did Daniel always have to suffer?
His sadness was quickly overpowered by another stronger emotion: anger. He was angry with the one, with those who had dared to allow such a beautiful person to suffer so much. He was angry with Osiris for the hell he had made Daniel live through each and every day. The snaky bastard had not only destroyed Daniel’s trust he’d torn away his faith in himself, his safety, his self-esteem… The bastard had stolen Daniel and had attempted to destroy him by corrupting his soul and trapping him in self-doubt, shame and self-blame. He’d stolen Daniel’s sense of self and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to do everything in his power to get that all back for his lover. Even if he had to wrestle with the devil himself he was going to bring Daniel completely back! Osiris had stolen so many precious things from his lover and he was going to walk through hell and high water to get those things back! He was going to give back to Daniel all those things Osiris had ruthlessly stripped from him, and he was going to wrap Daniel in a tight cocoon of love. He was determined to get his lover back and to shower him with that unconditional love he so desperately sought. He would save his lover, and he would save himself. They were going to succeed. They HAD to succeed or Daniel would pay too high a price.
* * * * * *
Early the Next Morning…
Jack saw Daniel and approached him; he needed to speak to him, to get through to him and feared that if he didn’t soon succeed Daniel would become lost to him. Taking a deep breath he softly said, “Daniel, can we…talk?”
Daniel jumped as Jack startled him. He turned around staring at the man with whom he had trusted his life at one time, but whom he now feared. He shook his head mentally cursing as the stubborn Colonel refused to back down and leave him alone. He focused on Jack prepared to send him on his way as quickly as possible simply snapping, “NO.”
“Daniel, please I…”
Daniel raised his hands attempting to place some distance between himself and his lover, momentarily forgetting about the newest bandages on his wrists and hand. He repeated “no” falling silent as Jack’s gaze shifted and his face seemed to go a shade paler. Before he realized what had caught Jack’s attention the older man was within reaching distance. He immediately jumped back attempting to maintain the gap between he and Jack O’Neill.
Jack sensing how edgy his lover was stopped in his tracks trying not to stare at the bandages or to think about why they were now there. Had Daniel…? No. NO! He forced his gaze to Daniel’s face swallowing hard before softly questioning, “What happened?” and trying to keep all accusation and fear out of his voice.
Daniel flinched as Jack reached for him immediately taking a step backwards before casting his gaze downwards and muttering a quiet, “Nothing.”
“Nothing? BULLSHIT! What the hell did you do to yourself?”
Edginess shifted quickly into anger as Daniel yelled, “WHAT DID I DO TO MYSELF? What the hell kind of a question is that? What? Do you think I’m suicidal now Jack?”
“Daniel…”
Seething he interjected, “Does that possibility SCARE you?”
Jack, caught off guard by Daniel’s vehemence and sudden unexpected change, quieted his own voice, “Daniel, calm down. All I was asking was what happened.”
“You aren’t worried about what happened, you only want to make sure I didn’t try to kill myself.”
“Daniel…”
“Leave me alone, Jack.”
Jack tried to keep the fear and uncertainty out of his voice as he continued, “Just tell me what happened to your wrists, Daniel.”
He glared coldly at Jack becoming infuriated with the man’s prying. What the hell business was it of his anyway? Jack had no business prying into his life! NONE! He gritted his teeth before continuing, “Had a bit of an accident…with some glass…”
“WHAT?”
As he saw the horror on Jack’s face and the panic in his eyes he scowled at his lover, “So are you going to run to Janet and tell her that I have suicidal ideation, Jack?”
Jack shuddered as he heard the irritation in Daniel’s voice. His lover sounded so cold and so uncaring. God, had he actually tried to kill himself last night? He jerked his head up as Daniel continued in a voice dripping with venom, “Run to her, Jack. Tell her that poor Danny’s gone off the deep end and wants to kill himself, go on Jack, tell her. I dare you.”
“Daniel, I don’t like this…”
“Don’t like what, Jack? Am I…scaring you, Jack? Am I upsetting you, lover? Are my comments disturbing you, dear?”
Jack felt sudden chills crawling up over his spine again as his lover sounded so different from the Daniel Jackson he knew and loved. He shook his head sadly as he replied, “You’ve changed…”
“And this surprises you?” responded Daniel sarcastically.
“A little…”
“A little? Well, tell me just how am I supposed to act, Jack?” Not giving Jack a chance to even respond to that inquiry Daniel continued, “Just what do you think happened to me, Jack? Do you think that after being gone a year I would still be the same person I was?”
“No Daniel, that’s not what I meant. I…”
“Then just what do you mean Jack?”
Jack shook his head sadly only managing, “You’re not the same.”
He arched his eyebrows up in surprise before retorting, “You know what? You’re right, Jack. I’m not the same. Being made into a slave kind of changes ones’ outlook on life.”
“Daniel…”
“Jack, do you have any idea how I felt, how I really felt while serving Osiris?”
“I’d like to think so.”
Daniel crossed his arms protectively over his chest and focused intently on Jack’s face before continuing, “You’d like to think so?”
“Yes.”
“How could you possibly have any idea, any inkling of how he made me feel? You believed that I wanted him. You believed that I begged for his touches…”
“Daniel…”
“No. No. Don’t you dare stand there and try to tell me that you weren’t upset by the way I responded to him…”
“I…”
“You thought I liked it, didn’t you? You believe that I enjoyed the things he did to me and…and…how could you believe that? HOW?”
“Daniel…”
“Then you come to me and have the damned nerve to tell me that I’ve changed? How could you not know that I would be different? How could my life ever be the same after being imprisoned with him?”
Jack dipped his head before licking his lips and focusing intently on Daniel as he continued, “Daniel, I don’t…I don’t like some of the changes I see…”
Daniel swallowed past the lump in his throat resisting the tears that were demanding release as he answered quietly, sternly, “No one is asking you to care, Jack. No one is asking you to give a damn! You expected me to still be your perfect little Danny and not have changed at all. Well, I have some news for you buddy I’m no longer as naïve as I once was! I’ve changed all right. I no longer trust anybody, of course, you couldn’t possibly understand why because you don’t think I should have changed at all. You don’t like the changes in me but in order to love me you have to accept those changes and after doing what you did to me…you have no goddamned say O’Neill! NONE!”
“Daniel, you’re not making sense.”
“I’m not making sense? Fine, all right, how’s this? This conversation is over, Jack. Over. Get it? O-V-E-R. I want you to leave NOW. I want you to go away. Go Jack…”
“No, Daniel, no…”
“Go, just go…”
“No…”
Daniel tossed an irritated gaze Jack’s way as he said, “Fine then I’ll go.”
He abruptly turned preparing to exit the room, but Jack refused to let him leave as he placed a hand on Daniel’s right shoulder to stop his escape. Daniel turned on his heels and glared coldly at Jack as he spoke evenly, “Don’t touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again!”
Jack yanked his hand back as if he’d been zapped casting a confused, frustrated gaze towards the man he loved with all his heart. He was losing Daniel if he hadn’t already. Oh Daniel was different. He was very different. Jack tried again, “Daniel, wait. Please don’t leave. Don’t go yet.”
“I have things to do.”
“Please, Daniel, don’t…”
Daniel turned to leave making his steps quicker hearing Jack’s last few words spoken as he exited the room, “Don’t leave like this, Daniel, please. We’re not finished…please!”
He refused to turn back as he increased his pace making a rapid escape from the room and from the man who still remained on the other side of the door. The further he walked the colder he felt and the sadder he became. He continued on until he just couldn’t go any further. He stopped as he entered one of the storage closets and proceeded to vigorously rub his hands up and down across his arms trying to ward off the sudden chills in his body. He hung his head knowing that he had just abandoned his lover. He cursed, feeling sad and angry at the direction his life was now taking. God, he hated himself. He hated himself so much and knowing that by walking away he had hurt Jack immensely he felt that self-hatred burrowing deeper within.
Daniel pressed his forehead against the wall still clutching his arms across his chest trying desperately to maintain control over himself. He allowed his thoughts to take over mentally condemning himself even further. God, how had his life become so fucked up? How had he come to this point in time? When had he lost himself? When had he refused to call out for help or even reach for it? When had he become so withdrawn that he refused to even allow his lover to make amends? His life was such a mess right now and he had no idea how to fix it. He had to keep going, had to convince everyone that he was fine and that he was dealing with his abduction just fine. He was perfectly fine. He was… Never mind the fact that he could no longer feel. Never mind the fact that he could no longer trust another. Never mind the fact that he was slipping rapidly under the surface of that black endless sea of torment and despair. He was coping just fine. He was perfectly fine. He was.
Daniel shook his head before muttering to himself, “What total bullshit!”
He was doing so damned fine that he was losing everything that ever mattered in his life. Oh he was coping really well. Since when was isolating oneself from all others a positive coping mechanism? Why was he so ready to push everyone away and not allow anyone in? Why was he so determined never to allow another person to breech his defenses?
He felt his despair cut deep and automatically slid down the wall to rest against it. When he reached the floor he resorted to curling up and slowly rocking himself back and forth in an attempt to soothe his haunted soul and badly damaged spirit. He would stay here until the pain went away, until he could no longer sit in such a compact position. He would stay here until he was ready to face the world once again and hide behind the perfect mask he had managed to erect. Once his mask was again firmly in place then he could carry on convincing everyone that he was perfectly fine and that the abduction meant nothing to him and didn’t affect him in the least. After the mask was firmly positioned then he could avoid all the questions and stares that set him on edge. He could avoid all the looks of sympathy and all the hushed whispers about how horrible he now looked. He could ignore everyone, for when he hid behind his mask he was safe from the world and safe from himself.
* * * *
Sam Carter was walking down the hall when she heard soft moans like someone was hurt. She immediately went searching for the one making the sounds drawing to a halt when she came before a storage closet. She listened for the sounds again certain that they were coming from inside. She wasted little time entering the closet and froze when she saw the man balled up on the floor rocking and moaning. She knew who that man was without even seeing his face. She whispered, “Oh God Daniel,” and immediately closed the door sensing that Daniel would not want his turmoil broadcast to everyone in the SGC. She then turned to face him and slowly approached saying, “Daniel, Daniel it’s Sam. Daniel, do…Daniel…”
She reached out to press a comforting hand to Daniel’s right shoulder and could only stare as the man growled out a quick “no” before darting away from her. As she focused on him she saw his fear and confusion as clear as day when he cast that haunted blue gaze her way. She responded by instantly calming her voice and saying, “Daniel? Daniel, it’s Sam. You’re safe now. We’re in the SGC. We’re safe. You’re home. Daniel? Daniel, please listen to my voice and look at me. Look at me Daniel. Focus on my face and listen to my voice. Daniel, it’s Sam. You’re safe now. No one’s going to hurt you, okay? Daniel…”
She was scared out of her wits unsure as to whether or not she was even getting through to him. She was becoming more and more worried when Daniel exhibited no indications that he knew where he was or even who she was. She was debating about calling Janet when Daniel spoke so quietly that she wasn’t even sure he had, “Sam…Sam…”
“Yes, Daniel, yes. It’s Sam.”
“Sam? Sam…”
She saw his instant relief when he recognized who was with him. She smiled as he inquired, “Where…why are you…? How did you find me here?”
“I heard moans. I thought someone was injured so I…investigated. I found you. How are you Daniel?”
Daniel ground his hands into his eyes as he sighed heavily and answered, “Oh not good, not good…” he then dropped his hands to his lap and offered her a lopsided half smile as he asked, “You?”
“Okay now. I was worried Daniel. For a minute there you…you weren’t responding.”
“Disassociation.”
“What?”
“I…I came here to calm down to… I don’t know. I was fine then suddenly I was…there again. I…I’m sorry.”
“No, no, that’s okay. Really. Daniel, what…why did you come here? What…what led you to come here?”
“Hmm curious?”
“More like concerned.”
“Ah…yes, well… Um…Jack…”
“What?”
“He’s what led me here.”
“I don’t…”
“He…he tried to speak to me again. Didn’t go well. Really didn’t go well. Bad enough I panic when he comes near me now. This time…”
Daniel fell silent briefly before continuing, “He thinks I’m suicidal, you know. Thinks I’m crazy. He’s so damned sure he knows everything. He doesn’t know jack shit.”
Daniel laughed, a humorless laugh, at the slight pun, which earned him another of Sam’s worried glances. He nodded then continued, “You’re worried too…about me.”
“We all are, Daniel.”
“Why? There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. I’m fine like always.”
“Daniel, you are not fine. You’re trying to cope and haven’t figured out how to do it yet.”
Daniel held her gaze a moment longer before lowering his eyes and suddenly finding his hands extremely intriguing. He remained silent for what seemed like hours but probably was only a few minutes before replying, “No…no. I guess you could be right but I’m dealing with it. I’ll get through this. I always do Sam and I don’t need anyone’s help.”
“Daniel you do need help. You need friends to support you and help you, and you need to let them do so. Daniel you can’t expect to get through this all on your own.”
“Why not, Sam? I’ve always been on my own.”
“No you haven’t. Daniel… Daniel, I’m here for you. I want you to know that. If you need anything, anything…”
Daniel glanced up at her as he nodded his head and continued her statement, “I can depend on you. I know, Sam, I know.”
Sam smiled then approached Daniel and wrapped her arms
around him as she said, “Oh Daniel you’re no longer alone. I’m here for you.
I’m here for you.”
“I know… Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
She held him for several moments before releasing him and suggesting, “Hey what do you say you and I get out of this closet?”
Daniel nodded but as Sam rose to her feet he grabbed her hand and said, “Not just yet…”
She nodded then sat back down this time sitting beside him. She watched as he examined their entwined hands for a long time before he released the hold. She sensed he wanted to speak but was afraid to so she sat with him in the quiet waiting for him to say what he wanted. When she was certain that he wasn’t going to speak after all she again prepared to make the suggestion that they exit the closet but before the words left her mouth Daniel spoke, “You know when he…touched me, Sam. I…I learned how to not feel. I couldn’t feel. I was good, very good, at not feeling. I…I…now I don’t think I can do it anymore. I kept my feelings, my emotions so closed up that I…I lost myself. I’m still here. I’m…I’m still me but I just can’t…feel. It’s as if…as if I’m numb inside, you know?”
Sam gently reached over and entwined her fingers with Daniel’s looking at him and feeling the need to cry overwhelming her. She wanted to cry for Daniel and all that he had lost during his imprisonment. She wanted to speak but didn’t want him to stop talking so she squeezed his hand in encouragement and understanding. He looked at her and attempted to smile but it looked more like a grimace. My God, did Osiris also take Daniel’s ability to smile and laugh? Poor Daniel.
Daniel watched Sam gauging her reaction wanting to confide in her but fearing that she really wasn’t listening to him and that she just didn’t care, but as he felt her reassurance and encouragement reaching to him through their now entwined hands and those eyes of hers that spoke volumes he found the courage to continue, “I don’t know what to do, Sam. I can’t feel anything. It’s like…it’s horrible. When…when we were together…Jack and I…he…he…oh we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I…I had to stop…”
“Why?”
“Because…I could feel his hands on me and I knew that I loved him. I knew I was safe, but I just…I just couldn’t feel. God don’t get me wrong I wanted him, oh how I wanted him. My body was on fire responding to his touches and caresses, but it was only my body responding. Emotions and feelings were mysteriously…absent.”
“You learned to shut off…”
“My emotions. Yes I did. That’s how I survived Sam. That’s how I survived all the assaults, all the betrayals…everything. I learned to turn off my emotions like turning off a faucet. The only time I felt anything was when he…when he used me for his sexual…gratification. Jack…Jack thinks I wanted him. He believes I begged for it and…and I did, Sam, I did. I begged for Osiris to…to… I begged but not because… Because I wanted to feel alive again… I wanted to feel something, anything other than pain, despair…depression…betrayal. I…I…Janet says he rape…raped me…raped me over a hundred times but I…I… Is that…why would I…over a hundred times, Sam? Why would I let him over a hundred times unless…unless I en…enjoyed it? Who…who would…what kind of a person does that make me? I let him. I left him over a hundred goddamned times! You know I…I…I think I’m still there…on that planet with him. He…he stole something from me and…and I can never get that back. That part of me is lost…that part of me is still trapped on that godforsaken planet in that goddamned gilded cage that was my home for the past year. I…I don’t know what to do anymore. I…God, Sam I still can’t feel a damned thing! All I feel is this rage, this goddamned rage and anger, but that’s not prevalent. No…no…sadness, helplessness, hopelessness…fear, panic, depression…I…I…I can’t feel anything anymore except, except…God and I’m supposed to live with that, continue living when there is no one, not a single goddamned solitary soul out there who gives enough of a damn about me to bring me back, bring my soul back, put me back together? I…he was my rock you know…my anchor in the midst of the storm. He was all I lived for in the end. I had no other reason to live… I mean look at me. I’m this, this tainted, filthy creature. I’m a goddamned worthless slave only good for a free fuck, a goddamned free fuck! That’s all I am. A pathetic whore who will fuck his lord anytime he asks because he needs to feel something, anything other than this never ending darkness and despair. That’s why he did it you know, that’s why Jack punished me… You see he knew he knew that I betrayed our love. He knew that I could put out for him. He knew he could fuck me and leave me and I’d probably come crawling back to him because… Shit, I’m so damned fucked up, Sam! So damned FUCKED UP!”
Sam had tears streaming down her cheeks as she listened to Daniel talking and heard his self-hatred and self-loathing. God, he had lost so much more than anyone had ever realized and all he wanted was the unconditional love of one man. The one man who could save his soul and heal his shattered spirit but that man was foolish, so foolish for instead of accepting him back into his life and shielding him, protecting him, loving him like he swore he would he had lashed out and had attacked Daniel hurting him more than Osiris ever could by proving to him that he was worthless, that he wasn’t worthy of that unconditional love he clung to in order to survive. The man he held onto, the one man he entrusted his soul, his heart, his love to took those precious gifts and…threw them away. Discarded them as if they were nothing but trash and as a result left behind a broken, shattered, tormented soul.
* * * *
He stared blankly at the spot where Daniel had stood only moments before feeling at a loss about what to do, only glancing up when Teal’c approached him. He felt a bit wary of Teal’c knowing that the Jaffa was probably very angry and upset with him after what had happened to Daniel. He watched him through hooded eyes wondering if Teal’c was prepared to beat the shit out of him for daring to attack Daniel. His first comment came out snippy as he inquired, “What brings you to my neck of the woods, Teal’c? The last thing I heard I was ostracized.”
Teal’c cocked his head to the side before answering, “I believe that you are concerned about what transpired on Osiris’ planet, O’Neill.”
“Nah thought never crossed my mind…”
“I see… While I do not understand why it is you felt it necessary to attack Daniel Jackson and assault him I also do not believe that you realize what he has suffered.”
Jack only nodded allowing silence to stretch between them for several endless moments before glancing up at Teal’c and asking out of the blue what a certain saying meant. He remembered the exact words that Zeenan had spoken to his lover on the day they had rescued him. Those words still haunted him not just because they were spoken in Goa’uld and he didn’t understand what had been said but because of what he feared the meaning of those words was. He tensed waiting for the worst when Teal’c interpreted, “Take care of him, love him, help him heal and please be patient with him for he has suffered much.”
Jack’s face went ashen as he squeaked out, “What?”
“You did not know what those words meant. They are Goa’uld, O’Neill. Did you hear such words spoken that you remember them so clearly?”
“Yes…that Jaffa…Osiris’ First Prime…”
“Zeenan, yes. Did you fear that his words had another meaning O’Neill? Perhaps you suspected that they were lovers?”
“They…they weren’t but…yes I did.”
“How can you be so certain that they were not? Do you understand what being a favored to a Goa’uld lord entails, O’Neill?”
“I’m…I’m beginning to learn.”
“You are concerned? This has bothered you for some time. Why have you waited so long to speak with me? You know that I once served Apophis. I am able to tell you what the life of a favored entails. Perhaps if you had come to me on this very issue then you would not have felt it necessary to attack your lover and destroy him.”
Jack hung his head and swallowed hard clenching his eyes tightly shut as those words continued to echo through his mind. He then softly prodded, “Do…do you think…do you think I…I did…destroy…?”
“Daniel Jackson is in much pain. He is haunted. He is frightened and he is scared. He needs our support not our scorn. I will not lie to you, O’Neill. What you have done to him may very well have destroyed him.”
“God, I hope not. God, I’m so sorry…I…I don’t know what to do.”
“Perhaps there is still hope. Do not walk away from him. Continue to seek him out and to apologize but do not harass him. If you see that he is becoming distressed then do not push him. Perhaps in time he may yet find his way back to us.”
“Do you think…?”
“Daniel Jackson is very strong though he has suffered much. You do not see all that he has sacrificed, all that he has done to appease his lord. He had no choice, O’Neill. A favored’s place is by their lord’s side always. They must do whatever their lord wishes of them or they are punished severely. A favored is mastered and ruled by their lord with an iron fist. If one cannot be obedient, respectful and submissive to their lord others will see such behavior as weakness, for a lord should be able to control a simple slave and the slave he selects as his favored should be made to comply with his wishes always. If one fails to do so then he is frowned upon, and the punishment severe.”
Jack said nothing remaining respectfully silent listening to Teal’c’s words feeling his guilt and rage at himself for daring to attack his lover burrow deep within. Teal’c noticing that O’Neill was, in fact, listening continued, “The status of most favored is the highest position a slave can attain, O’Neill, and with that title their duties are many. He will be expected to carry himself appropriately for his lord and to perform every task given to him with excellence…whether he served in the bedchamber or otherwise. He is expected to perform admirably and to obey always. If his master requires that he crawl or humiliate himself then that is what he is expected to do…”
Teal’c arched his eyebrows up in question and Jack gasped as he realized he spoke those words aloud. He shook his head before sadly answering, “His words, Teal’c, those were his very words. He wrote them down in his journal and there’s more, God, there’s so much more… He made Daniel crawl for him, Teal’c, made him do such…such awful things. Daniel…Daniel referred to himself as an…as a dog, a pet…as a, as an…as Osiris’ little whore and I, God I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know. If I had known, God if I had known…I would’ve never, never… God, I hate myself for what I’ve done to him. I…I don’t deserve him.”
Teal’c merely nodded not surprised by the admission of what Daniel Jackson had written in his journal. He suspected that Osiris had done more than just use the man sexually, for Daniel Jackson’s self-esteem was nearly destroyed, crushed by the Goa’uld lord who had imprisoned him. All he could say to O’Neill was, “You may believe that you do not deserve him, but you are exactly who he needs to heal completely. He relies on you. He needs you though he refuses to allow you to accept him back.”
Jack snickered bitterly as he replied, “Do you know he, in those entries he… Teal’c I didn’t start reading that journal until AFTER I hurt him. Perhaps if I had… Do you…do you know that he survived for me? He, he was depending on me to save him and I, I…had I known… God, Teal’c he relied on ME to save him, heal him, make him feel complete again and I…I lashed out at him and threw such a precious gift back into his face. I threw him away Teal’c and all because…because I was jealous. I couldn’t stand to see him responding so readily to that snake, couldn’t stand to see how deeply he cared for Zeenan…couldn’t stand it and it ate away at me until I lashed out at him, until I decided to make him pay for… Teal’c I don’t deserve that man. He’s too precious, too special, too…I don’t deserve him Teal’c.”
“And if you give up on him, if you refuse to help him then he will truly be lost. You must show him, prove to him that he was correct in trusting you to keep him safe, keep him pure. You must prove to him that he was correct in relying on you to heal his shattered soul. You must teach him to trust again, O’Neill. Teach him to trust and teach him to love…you must help him to unlock himself. You must give him the safety, the shields, that he so needs to begin to open his heart again and you must be very patient and very understanding, for when someone becomes so shattered, so lost, it takes a long time to help them put themselves back together again. It could take years to heal him, O’Neill. It could take years before he allows you to touch him again. Do you have the strength, the patience and the understanding…? Do you have the ability to stand by him, support him, love him unconditionally, to spend the rest of your life with him knowing that you may never truly have Daniel Jackson back, knowing that you may never have the right to touch him again, to hold him, to make love to him, to comfort him or to support him again? Do you have the patience you will need to see this through, to help him find himself all over again? If you do not then you must walk away from him now and never look back for if you do not have such patience, such an ability to love him unconditionally, to accept that he may never trust you again, to accept that he may never be whole again then you will only cause more damage to his tormented soul. You will only destroy him completely. You must decide what Daniel Jackson means to you and if he is truly worth fighting for. You must be ready to fully commit yourself to him and to helping him heal before you can ever consider going after him. You must decide whether or not he is worth such an intense commitment and once you say that he is, once you commit yourself then you must remain with him for all time, for if you leave him at any time you will only succeed in destroying him and shattering him completely. Are you able to commit your whole life to helping that man heal, O’Neill?”
Jack fell silent hearing the truth in those words and knowing his answer. He looked at his friend and nodded his head in response. Teal’c respectfully bowed his head before saying, “You will not have to do it all on your own, for we will all be there to help. It is not an easy path you have chosen, but I believe it to be the only way to return Daniel Jackson to us fully.”
Jack softly sighed before saying, “But will he be able to give me another chance, Teal’c? Will he be able to forgive me for the wrongs I’ve done him? If he can’t do that then we’ll never get him back and that’s just not an option.”
* * * *
Once again the silence fell around them and she watched as her friend hung his head refusing to look at her. Daniel was so lost and so devastated. God, she wanted to help him, but she didn’t know how. What could she do to help him? What could she possibly do to help Daniel regain his life? She was certain he would remain silent glancing up in surprise as Daniel spoke again sounding more devastated than previously, “You know what Sam? There was this time he…he made me feel so damned ashamed of myself…actually he made it a habit to degrade and humiliate me as often as he could. He would make me do these…things…”
She swallowed hard aware that Daniel was again speaking and that he was looking to her for companionship and support. Determined to give him what he needed she asked a question she didn’t expect him to offer much of an explanation for, “Like what?”
Daniel shook his head glancing at Sam briefly, answering, “Uh just…things and, and I enjoyed it…”
Sam could hear the guilt and shame in those last few words and wanted nothing more then to wrap her arms around her friend and hold him for as long as he needed it, but she also noticed that he was again sending off signals that warned her touch wouldn’t be accepted quite yet, so she held back choosing to speak with him for now, “Daniel, you had no choice…”
He lifted his head to look directly into Sam’s eyes as he responded with a question of his own, “No choice? NO CHOICE? Do you even realize what he would make me do for him? He would make me go to my knees before him, make me worship him and honor him. He…he would make me beg him; he…it excited him, I think…to see me beg him, to see me plead with him for the right to be fucked by him. He’d make me say the words and make me call myself a dog, his precious pet; his mutt… He would make me tell him that I was his, that I belonged to him…”
Daniel fell silent finding it very difficult to continue talking about what had happened as images popped into his mind of the things he had willingly done for Osiris. He shook his head not wanting to continue but needing to vent, needing to tell somebody something about what had happened to him. He remained silent for several minutes before continuing, stumbling over the first few words before revealing more of what he had had to do for his lord, “There was this game he liked to play. He enjoyed it immensely. I had…I had to tell him that I was…that I…that I was his…his, um, his ass slut then beg him to fuck me, to use me, to please me… I…he… He would taunt and tease me. He’d torment me and get me aroused. He’d get me so aroused that I was willing to do anything, Sam, anything and he…he would laugh at me. He’d laugh at me and tease me. I…I… Sam what kind of a person allows another to do something like that to them? What kind of a person allows it AND enjoys it?”
Sam felt the tears continuing to well up in her eyes as Daniel spoke of what had happened to him and confided in her things she was certain he had never told another living soul, not even Jack. She felt relieved to hear him speaking about his time and glad that he felt safe enough with her to confide in her. As he looked at her now she knew he was waiting for a response and knew that he needed to hear a response. She answered, “Someone who’s scared, someone who’s afraid of others being hurt, someone who is willing to sacrifice their own happiness, their own freedom, their own LIFE for other people. Someone who has no choices and must find a way to survive or risk losing their self…”
“Sam I…”
“Daniel, you had no choice but to do what you were told. If you didn’t obey then others would have died. You had to serve him.”
“But I didn’t have to like it Sam!”
“Daniel…”
“He degraded me and humiliated me. He made me fuckin’ crawl for him, beg him, worship him and I…and I… I fuckin’ liked it Sam. I FUCKIN’ LIKED IT!”
“Daniel…”
“No. NO! I’m a whore just like he said. I’m a slut just like Jack…”
“No, Daniel, no. NO! You’re none of those things!”
“The hell I’m not!”
“Daniel…”
“I LIKED IT SAM! I DID AND…AND…”
“AND WHO WOULDN’T DANIEL, UH? TELL ME THAT! WHO wouldn’t have liked it?”
Daniel jerked his head up staring at her, his mouth agape in shock as he asked, “What?”
Sam became aware that she was yelling so she quieted her voice as she answered Daniel’s question again repeating what she had asked previously, “Who wouldn’t have enjoyed it, Daniel?”
“Sam…”
She raised her hand wanting to offer comfort with her touch but hesitated not yet certain how he would react, so she chose to soften her voice before placing her hand on his shoulder as she continued, “Daniel, you said that he would get you aroused, didn’t you?”
“Well yes I was his…his… It was my… It was expected that I would please him in every way. I was expected to do whatever he commanded or watch him destroy people. Sam…”
“Okay, okay you said that he would get you aroused…”
“Yes.”
“Why? Why Daniel why?”
He gazed at her with a puzzled expression crossing his face and she only hoped that he was following her logic. She was determined to prove to Daniel once and for all that he had been raped and that he had no choice in the matter. She was determined to prove to him that he hadn’t been as compliant and willing as he obviously believed. She had to show him why his self-blame was so very wrong, why his personal judgment and guilt was wrongly placed on himself instead of the perpetrator who had assaulted and raped him. She had to make him see that his logic was incorrect and that he was blaming himself for something that he’d had absolutely no control over. She waited on edge for his response hoping that he would unknowingly reveal that he was not to blame for what had happened to him during his captivity. She tensed feeling a bit giddy when he replied to her last question, “Because he knew I couldn’t… I’d… He knew it would be difficult for me to…”
Daniel blushed furiously silencing his explanation feeling a bit embarrassed to be discussing the level of intimacy he and Osiris had shared during his captivity. He swallowed hard before simply stating, “I couldn’t always do it on my own. Sometimes, sometimes I needed… Sometimes I needed a little…”
“Help?”
Daniel couldn’t look at her feeling too embarrassed and vulnerable to at the moment. Sensing his discomfort she finished for him, “You needed help to become aroused, to respond sexually to him, to please him, to satisfy him…?”
Daniel nodded his head slightly. She felt relieved that he had just given her the opening she was searching for and she continued on her mission to prove to him that he was not at fault for what had happened during his abduction, “When did you start responding willingly, Daniel?”
“Um several months…several months ago.”
“No.”
He jerked his head up in surprise before stuttering, “What?”
“I don’t agree.”
“What? Sam…”
She could see that he was still confused and still needed a bit of help to realize what her goal was so she continued to explain her last statement, “When we found you on that planet and he was caressing you… Daniel that wasn’t you.”
“Sam you saw how I responded. I couldn’t resist him. He trained me to respond to his every touch, his every caress and stroke. He trained me to be sexually desirable and to be… He trained me.”
She held up a hand to stall his words in mid-delivery, “But that wasn’t YOU, Daniel, that wasn’t you.”
“No? Then who the hell was it Sam? Who the hell was it?”
“Daniel the man I saw that day he…he wasn’t enjoying himself. He wasn’t willingly responding to those strokes. He WASN’T willing.”
“Yes I was Sam. Yes I was.”
“No. No. That man was simply responding to stimuli. That man was simply reacting to actions. There was no enjoyment. What I saw that day was someone who was simply reacting to things. He didn’t love the one who was touching him. He didn’t feel anything. He was reacting like he was trained. That person, that man, wasn’t you Daniel. He was someone who didn’t feel anything, didn’t care about anything or worry about anything. He was someone who knew he had to do as directed or suffer a horrifying punishment, a consequence that had the power to destroy him. That man was you, but not the REAL YOU. That man was someone who had learned through punishments and trainings what he must do to survive, to live to see another day. Someone who had learned that the only way he could survive or he could escape was to train himself to remain compliant on the outside. The only way to make it through another day for him was to shield and protect his soul, his spirit and his true self by pushing those things deep down inside where they couldn’t be hurt or damaged by what was happening around him and to him. Daniel that wasn’t you, not the real you.”
Daniel shook his head in denial before attempting to disprove her theories, “Look Sam I really appreciate what you’re trying to do but it’s no use. I responded to him. I liked it Sam. I responded…”
“And who wouldn’t respond?”
“What? What kind of a question is that?”
Sam would not be dissuaded as she proceeded to offer her answer, “A good question, Daniel. One you should be asking yourself.”
“What? No. NO! There’s nothing to question Sam. I liked it. I responded! I…”
She shook her head before gently reminding, “Daniel that doesn’t answer my question.”
He gazed at her in shocked dismay only able to voice one word, “What?”
Certain that he wouldn’t provide her with the answer she sought she chose to answer her own question, “I’ll tell you who would respond, Daniel. Everyone. Everybody would respond if they were stimulated, excited or caressed. Daniel our bodies are very sensitive to touches and strokes. Daniel all I’d have to do to you right now is touch you, cup you in my hand and you would respond. Not because you’re enjoying it but because the groin is very sensitive…”
She felt a little bit of relief when she saw Daniel’s brilliant mind taking in her words and stirring them about trying to make sense of them and draw from them the point she has been desperately trying to make to him. She decided to push a little bit more as she continued, “Daniel you can’t sit there and tell me that if I were to touch you right now you wouldn’t respond. You can’t tell me that if you were to brush against my breasts my nipples wouldn’t harden in response. You can’t tell me that because it’s NATURAL. Our bodies respond to stimulation, to touch. He had to GET you aroused in order to get you into his bed. Sarah was your girlfriend in the past correct?”
“Yes but…”
“No, no. No buts just listen. She was your girlfriend…”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever make love to her Daniel? Did the two of you ever have intercourse?”
“Well yes but…”
“Then he had an advantage over you, a very unfair advantage.”
“What?”
“Sarah is his host and a host knows everything that their symbiote does and vice versa…”
“Yeah so…”
“So he would already have knowledge, have access to Sarah’s memories…INCLUDING those where the two of you made love. Daniel all he had to do was access those memories and he would easily learn what to do to turn you on, where your erogenous zones are, what you like to do in bed, how you make love, how to make you climax, how to make you shudder and buck beneath him, how to control your sexual desires, wants and needs… All he needed to do was access those memories of the time you and Sarah made love and he had you trapped. You responded to him whether or not you wanted to because your body is sensitive and certain things heat you up no matter WHO is touching you or loving you…”
“But…”
She shook her head saddened that he was having such difficulty comprehending what she was saying but understanding why. He had blamed himself for everything, still was and felt responsible for surrendering to Osiris. He had to live with the knowledge that Osiris had gained control of his sexual desires, impulses and needs. He had to live with knowing that Osiris could control him in the bedroom or any where else for that matter just by touching him a certain way, kissing him in a certain place or rubbing against his body. He had to also live with the knowledge that he had slept with Osiris numerous times while committed one hundred percent to Jack O’Neill. He believed that he had betrayed Jack and in accepting full responsibility for what had occurred during his imprisonment and refusing to admit that he had actually been raped repetitively Daniel was overwhelmed with extreme guilt and self-loathing. He felt certain that he’d deserved Jack’s assault on him, that he’d deserved to be brutalized while in bed with his lover because he had cheated on Jack, so Jack had every right in the world to punish him for his unfaithfulness and his indiscretion. In fact he might have deliberately angered Jack to that point unconsciously, feeling that he deserved to be punished by his lover for such wrong doing. Victims sometimes did that…they would deliberately anger and irritate their loved ones feeling that they were not privileged enough or deserving enough to be happy or have a family or to even be loved, and Daniel might very well have been one of those victims to believe that. Guilt was a very powerful weapon that could exacerbate feelings of shame and self-hatred. It could drive someone to do anything to incur the wrath of their loved ones or set themselves up to be victimized yet again all because the victim felt that they deserved to be hurt, punished, beaten and abused for what they had done while imprisoned, for surrendering, for allowing themselves to become victims in the first place, for surviving when others were not so lucky. It was a vicious circle that many victims traveled, a sinister dance that had no end. What was needed was unconditional love and someone who refused to give up on the one pushing them away no matter what happened as a result. What Daniel needed to save his soul, to save himself was Jack O’Neill. He couldn’t heal on his own. He needed others to help him along the way and if he refused to accept those who continuously offered their hands to him then he would be forever wandering aimlessly in a sea of confusion and despair. He would remain forever lost and unable to ever reclaim whom he had been before being so badly abused.
Realizing that she had gotten lost in thought for a few precious seconds Sam quickly focused on her friend, reaching out to encompass his hands in both of hers as she asserted, “I’m right Daniel. I’m right about this. You responded to stimuli and that was ALL you did. You forced yourself to enjoy the sex so that you could live, so that you could survive and move on, so that you could escape and return to your one true love.”
Daniel spoke without thought in a voice lined with need, “Jack…”
He gazed up at her then, suddenly comprehending the point of her entire discussion. He shook his head feeling guilty and ashamed for not seeing a different side to the same situation and voiced his thoughts aloud, “I don’t know Sam maybe I wanted him to be angry with me. Maybe I wanted him to attack me, to assault me. Maybe I was trying to push him completely away and deliberately pissed him off, tested him until he snapped and did as I expected. Maybe I wanted a reason, an excuse to push Jack out of my life because I feel deep down that I don’t deserve him, which I don’t after what, not after…all that. I don’t Sam so why, why does he still pursue me? Why does he still seek me out? Why?”
“Because he loves you.”
“He loves me? Sam he tried to rape me!”
“But he stopped…”
“He still hur…hurt me Sam. He still…Oh God!”
She tensed as she caught the sudden panic in his voice and the sudden shock and terror as he continued, “Oh God, maybe that’s what I need to…to…oh God!”
Hearing the self-loathing and shame in his voice Sam immediately demanded, “What?”
“To…to be hurt to…to… Sam that’s, that’s sadistic! Would I… Do I want to be hur…hurt in bed to, to…oh God do I want to be dominated in bed, Sam? No… NO!”
She inhaled deeply, aware that the direction of their conversation was entering dangerous territory. She quickly reassured him, “No, Daniel, no. I don’t believe that.”
“But what…what if it’s true? What if that balance of pain and, and pleasure he always used with me made me… I don’t know twisted like him? Sam…”
She chose that particular moment to pull Daniel into her arms determined to hold him and assure him that he was wrong about that. He was so very WRONG! She held him close as she assured him repetitively that no Osiris hadn’t done that to him, hadn’t twisted him and made him into someone who craved pain to get off. She cursed Osiris for what he had done to her friend and wanted nothing more than to kill the fuckin’ bastard for damaging her precious friend so severely. Damn him! DAMN HIM!
After several moments Daniel softly admitted, “I still love him, Sam, even though… God, I still love him so much and it hurts. It really hurts…”
She swallowed hard before asking, “Would you take him back if…?”
Daniel didn’t even hesitate with his reply answering, “Yes in a heartbeat.”
“Even after…?”
“After what? What he did?”
She nodded and he continued, “What did he do, Sam? He punished me for being unfaithful…”
“NO! Daniel, no! You were never unfaithful! You were raped Daniel. Raped. You said no! He threatened you, forced you to comply and…and he raped you. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING! He…”
Daniel felt his heart skip a beat in his chest before hoarsely replying, “Raped me but… God. SAM!” Daniel reflexively held her tighter suddenly feeling very cold and anxious as the truth of her words began to truly sink in. Raped, he was raped. God, Osiris had raped him! Osiris and Sarah… GOD! He clung to Sam needing her now more than ever just to hold him. Sam was more than happy to oblige, determined not to let him go and very glad that Daniel had finally accepted the truth of what had happened to him. She was now certain that he’d be able to face his lover and work on repairing the damage that had forcibly separated them. She was overjoyed with the knowledge that Daniel had just taken another very critical step on his path to healing.
FINAL INSTALLMENT:
Understanding and Communication
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