By: Stacy
L.
SECRETS
REVEALED
Regrets
and Loneliness
He entered the house feeling angry and afraid. Then he grabbed a beer from the refrigerator trying to keep a tight grip on his panic. Where the hell was Daniel? Where the hell had he gone? God, Daniel was now out there, on the roads, extremely upset and behind the wheel. What if he had an accident? What if he was so upset that he couldn't focus on his driving and had a damned accident? He'd driven around every area he could think of searching for Daniel and hadn't located him. He'd called Sam, he'd called the SGC and he'd called Janet…none of them had seen him and none of them acted suspicious…they would tell him if Daniel was at their houses, right? They wouldn't leave him suffer not knowing what had happened to him…would they? No. Sam and Janet would never lie to him; they wouldn't…but if Daniel were to show up at one of their houses looking as distraught and battered as he had upon leaving this house then maybe they would do just that. God, please let him be at one of their homes and let them just be lying to him. Please, let him be anywhere but out there on those roads driving around in the state of shock and depression he had left in.
What if Daniel decided to kill himself after the stupid attack…oh God, he wouldn't do that would he? WOULD HE? Shit, now he WAS scared! Would Danny resort to…to…to that if he felt as if his world were crumbling around him? My God the hurt, the pain, the misery that had marred his beautiful face earlier…all that pain, all that misery was his fault. HE had put that look in Daniel's eyes. HE had hurt Daniel immensely by attacking him, and the things he had said to him…God, the things he'd called him. Shit, did he really call Daniel a whore? No, please let that have just been in his mind! He would've never said such hurtful things to Daniel…would he? No, no. Never! But he'd not only called Daniel a whore, he had accused him of things: accused him of enjoying it, accused him of begging for more…Oh God no, he couldn't have said such spiteful, hurtful things to the love of his life…could he?
He felt so ashamed and so angry. He had treated Daniel worse than Osiris probably ever had. He had hurt the man immensely. The pain, the anguish in those pristine blue eyes of his...God, how many times had Daniel said no? How many times had he begged and pleaded telling him that he couldn't do it, that he wasn't ready? HOW MANY TIMES? And instead of listening to his gentle lover he had attacked him, backhanded him and attempted to rape him... He was such an ass, such a fuckin' asshole! He'd probably lost Daniel tonight; he'd probably lost his lover for good and that made him hurt so damned much. He felt like his heart had been physically ripped from his chest while still beating. How could he have done such horrible things, made such cold accusations, showed such hatred to the man he loved with all his heart? How could he? He took a deep swig from the beer bottle he now held and as the bitter smooth taste of the alcoholic beverage slid down his throat he turned and gave it a wail...whipped it as hard as he could against the wall feeling much better when the glass splintered and shattered into a thousand little pieces. He stood for the longest time staring at the remainder of that beer bottle and the brown liquid now running down over the wall forming a small pool on the floor. His answers were not in that bottle. The last thing Daniel needed was a fuckin' alcoholic trying to apologize to him and trying to make things right. No, alcohol was not his answer.
Jack
turned viciously around glancing at the empty house that seemed to be weeping
in silent mourning for the absence of his soul mate. Daniel was not here and
the house felt colder than hell. The house felt so cold, so lonely and so
damned big without Daniel in it smiling and laughing. The house reflected how
he now felt: empty, cold, lonely...hurting so damned much that he wanted to
double over in pain. He allowed the pain, the constant insistent ache in his
chest to remain, for the pain reminded him of what he had done, reminded him of
the horrid crime he had committed. He had quite possibly destroyed the love of
his life this evening. Aw, God, Danny I'm sorry, so sorry, so very goddamned sorry...
He walked up the stairs slowly, feeling his rage and anger quickly turning into full-blown depression. If Daniel didn't return to him then he had nothing left to live for...nothing at all. As he crested the stairs he continued his slow, labored path back to their bedroom finding that the closer he drew to the place where he had destroyed his lover, the more his heart ached and the more his legs felt like lead. The door to their bedroom seemed so very far away. When he finally reached it he shoved the door open hearing it bang and rattle against its hinges as it struck the wall hard. He took one step into the room and stopped staring at the bed with abject horror. There on the mattress was blood...Danny's blood...whether it was from his nose or the forced penetration Jack didn't know. He shuddered as he recalled shoving his finger not once but several times into the man...he had raped Daniel with his fuckin' finger...oh God, he was such a bastard! He was such a cold-hearted bastard!
He didn't know what to do with himself. He couldn't make his legs move to enter the room, and he couldn't make himself retreat. It was as if that little bit of blood on the sheets captivated him. Bright red blood contrasted sharply against the pure white sheets...it was only a little blood, but the contrast was enough to make him want to throw up and before he realized it he was en route to the bathroom. He quickly found himself hanging his head over the toilet retching up his breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh God, he was so sick. He allowed himself to retch and dry heave feeling that he deserved this sudden onset of misery. He deserved a hell of a lot more than the pleasure of emptying his stomach contents into the white toilet basin, hell he deserved to be flogged, beaten, dragged and quartered...even that wouldn't be enough to equal the pain and suffering he had caused his lover on this day. After spending what seemed like an eternity on his knees with his head hung over the toilet he felt the queasiness begin to abate. He could feel the taste of bile in his mouth and throat, and the taste only made him want to retch more. He quickly rinsed out his mouth then flushed the toilet watching as the contents of his stomach spiraled downward towards his septic tank.
He
rose shakily to his feet and attempted to re-enter his bedroom pausing when he
saw a box sitting on the edge of his nightstand...Danny's book...his journal.
He had meant to return it to his lover certain that he would want it back. He
made it to the nightstand in two strides and quickly lifted the journal into
his arms. He had an overwhelming urge to read it. He needed something of Daniel
close to him now. He didn't want to pry but needed to do this...he needed to be
with Daniel, so he returned to the bathroom as his stomach threatened to empty
further deciding that sitting in there might not be such a bad idea.
He
shut the door before he squeezed his body between the bathtub and sink. He drew
his legs up then sat the box on his lap. He stared at it for the longest time
not wanting to pry but unable to resist the lure of it. He carefully eased the
lid off then pulled out the journal. He sat the empty box on the floor beside
him and placed the journal on his bent knees. Again he stared at it slowly
running his fingers across the cover imagining the many times Daniel had probably
done the exact same thing. He remained like that for a long time before with
shaking hands he opened the journal to a random entry. He focused on the page
noticing and recognizing Daniel's careful penmanship on the pages. Yes, he
could tell that Daniel had written this. He hesitated still not wanting to pry,
but as he lowered his eyes to the top of the page he could no longer prevent
his curiosity from taking root. He started to carefully read Daniel's
meticulous handwriting:
Journal Entry
I'm trapped with no chance of freedom. I want to give up. I want to die. I want to cry and
I want to forget. Sometimes I can forget, Jack, sometimes. But then he returns demanding
services from me, demanding my respect, demanding my allegiance and my complete
submission. I don't know how much longer I can hold on, Jack.
I
dream of you every night...even call your name. Hoping, praying that someday
you'll
answer my call. I need you, Jack. I need you more
than you'll ever know. I'm all alone...alone
and afraid, so afraid. Will you love me when I return?
What if I'm no longer the man you
once knew? Could you accept me back into your
life after having been absent from it for
so long? Could you accept me as I am, Jack? Damaged,
scarred, used? Would you want
me back if you knew what I had to surrender to Osiris to survive each and every day?
Could
you ever forgive me for the things I had to do to ensure you and Earth were
safe...to
ensure that he wouldn't destroy another entire
planet as he did to Alandria? Could you ever
accept me into your life knowing that I have been
used and knowing that I have responded
so openly to his attentions? I don't think you can,
Jack. I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't,
but each time I think about it my heart breaks...and I
lose another piece of my soul.
I'm
trying, Jack. I fight every single day but still when night comes I have to
serve him...if I
refuse...
You could never love me knowing that I surrendered my body to Osiris. Never. I don't even
know why I keep hoping that you will understand. I want you desperately to understand,
but how could you? How could you ever look at me in the same way again? The answer is
obvious though it breaks my heart to admit it: you couldn't. I'll never be clean again. I'll
never be your lover again. Why the hell should I be when I have so willingly prostituted
myself to my captor? Why should you even have to care for me any longer, Jack? I'm just
a burden now. Someone you would be best to forget. Someone you would be best to get
rid of for I am no longer worthy of your undying love. I belong to Osiris now...
Oh
Jack, Jack my love, I will miss you but I am no longer worth your time. I am no
longer
worth loving, for who could ever learn to love
someone so tainted by evil?
Jack could no longer see the words on the pages of the journal. He set it beside him on the floor not wanting his tears to mar or soil the passages Daniel had obviously written for him. God, he had wronged Daniel so this evening. He pulled his knees to his chest and attempted to curl in on himself, rocking in his abject misery at the realization that he had succeeded in proving to his lover that he was no longer worth his time, his energy, his concern or his love. Oh God, what have I done to you, my love? God, how I must have hurt you by my actions tonight... I'm sorry, so goddamned sorry Daniel. What can I do now? What can I say? I've probably ruined any chance I had with you; hell, I probably ruined you. I'm so sorry, love...so very sorry. How can I ever make up for all the pain I brought you this night? I didn't know, Daniel. I didn't know...how could I have known that was how you felt about things? I should have known, Danny. I know you better than anyone. I should have known that to offer yourself to him would feel to you as if you were betraying me over and over again...betraying our love. You had no choice, Daniel, no choice and instead of helping you through this I've only added to your anguish and suffering. Oh God, love, will you ever forgive me? Hell, will you ever forgive yourself?
He sat alone in the silence letting each hour tick by wanting to pick up the journal and read more but finding that he just couldn't do it, not yet. He had to find Daniel. He had to set things right. He had to make Daniel understand that he had nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to feel ashamed about. The things he did for...that snake he did to survive, and instead of understanding him he had condemned him. Tomorrow he would speak to Daniel... Daniel wouldn't miss work, would he? He wouldn't call in sick would he? Where was the man now? Was he with Sam or at the SGC? Or was he still out there somewhere driving recklessly as his sorrow and despair took hold? He shook his head sadly not knowing what to do. He chose to remain on the bathroom floor holding himself so compact that his body started to protest the position, but he refused to move out of it. He refused to relax his body for he deserved to suffer for all the pain he had caused his lover. He deserved to suffer endlessly.
* * * * * *
THE
JOURNEY OF HEALING BEGINS
Taking
the First Step
Sam
entered her bedroom smiling when she noticed that Daniel was fast asleep curled
up in her bed. He had somehow managed to fall asleep, but whether it was of his
own free will or simply because he was too exhausted to continue on she didn't
know. She quietly slipped into the room trying not to make a lot of noise, not
wanting to disturb Daniel as she moved about. She quickly retrieved her clothes
from her closet then entered the bathroom carefully shutting the door behind
her. She showered before dressing and once done returned
to the bedroom.
She
walked over to Daniel to check on him and make certain that he was still
resting comfortably, but as she focused on him she noticed that he was now
awake watching her as she moved about. She smiled warmly, softly greeting,
"Well, good morning Daniel. How are you feeling?"
Daniel
stared at her for a while before saying, "A little better than last night
but still not too good..."
"How
about you relax and try to get some more sleep?"
Daniel
shook his head no immediately before replying, "No...it's
time to get ready for work."
Sam
was quick to inform, "Daniel you don't have to go to work. You should take
the day off and take it easy."
"No,
no Sam, I...I need to be busy... I...I can't... If I stay here all I'll do is think and...and worry..."
"Okay if you're certain."
"I
am."
"I'll
get your clothes for you then..."
"Sam,
all my clothes are at... I...I don't...I don't have any here."
"Teal'c brought some from your locker. He said that you
would probably rather go to work today too."
Daniel allowed a small smile to escape as she said that. Sam returned the smile saying that she was going to go make him some coffee before they left.
Together
Sam and Daniel went to work. Daniel was a bit nervous about entering the SGC
when he had bruises on his face. He knew they were there but hadn't been able
to look at himself in a mirror this morning. He didn't
want to see the marks now marring his face from...from his attack.
As
they entered the SGC Sam noticed how Daniel kept his head bowed as if he were
trying to hide the bruises now covering his handsome boyish face. She knew how hard
it was for him to return to the SGC knowing that he was bound to run into Jack
sometime and wearing evidence of having been beaten the night before. She
smiled at the airman in the elevator noticing that Daniel nervously pressed his
hand to his face as if trying to conceal his injuries from prying eyes. She
knew the airman could see the bruising but to his credit he remained silent not
drawing attention to them...it was almost as if he sensed that Daniel needed
him to remain so.
As
they exited the elevator they ran directly into Janet. Janet looked at Sam with
disapproval quietly chiding, "Daniel, you should have stayed home
today."
"No...
I...I need to be here... I'm all right. Really, Jan..."
"Come
see me if you experience any pain. Do you hear me?"
"Yes."
"All
right," she cast another glance in Sam's direction passing her a
non-verbal message that she was to keep an eye on him. She nodded her head in
silent understanding before walking with Daniel to his office. She didn't want
to leave him alone but, also, didn't want to hinder his need to do this...to
work even after all he had suffered during his abduction and during the
previous night. She watched him as he approached his desk before returning her
gaze and informing her that he would be fine and would call her if he needed
anything. She nodded her head, told him she'd be in her lab and would check on
him later then left him to the solace of his office.
Daniel
watched her go glad that she quietly closed the door behind her. He then sat
down and quickly realized that it was a bit uncomfortable. He felt revulsion
and disgust run through him as he recalled just why he was so sore...Jack...oh
God Jack had...had... He shuddered shaking his head angrily and shifting more
onto his hip to alleviate some of the discomfort.
He soon hung his head feeling despair threatening to engulf him as the pain refused to subside. He swept his eyes angrily across his desk pausing when they fell across the ancient artifact he had been studying. Without thought he picked the item up examining the alien text with open interest. It wasn't long before he found himself thoroughly engrossed once again in attempting to decipher the fine markings scrawled across its surface. The alien text intrigued him and puzzled him, and as he picked up his notes he found himself quickly becoming involved in trying to decipher the complex puzzle that had been stumping him.
Sam
decided to check on Daniel to see how he was doing and as she eased his office
door open she smiled noticing that he was studying an artifact while furiously
writing notes on his notepad. She was very glad to see that he was able to
focus on his work. She jumped as Janet's voice whispered so quietly behind her
setting her heart racing as she questioned, "How's he doing?"
Sam
turned and offered her one of those magnificent smiles of hers as she
whispered, "See for yourself."
Janet leaned in momentarily becoming distracted as Sam's sweet scent tantalized her nostrils. She found herself automatically leaning closer towards the young Major wanting desperately to press a kiss against that beautiful column of neck now exposed to her eyes. She inhaled sharply when she realized how close she'd actually come to pressing her lips to that neck. Shit! What the hell was wrong with her? She was at work! Fraternizing with a woman was against the rules...shit! She quickly jerked her gaze away from Sam focusing beyond the petite blonde at the young man now bent over his desk furiously writing on a tablet. She smiled herself when she saw that Daniel was doing very well indeed. Maybe his coming to work today was a good idea after all.
Sam
looked at Janet casting a goofy grin her way because she was so happy for
Daniel. Janet focused on her and quietly said, "The next time you check on
him bring him something to eat and drink. It looks as if he's going to be quite
busy today, and we both know how Daniel tends to forget the basic
requirements...like food and water when he's that busy."
Sam
nodded continuing to smile as she said, "I'm glad he's able to focus. Do
you think he's going to be all right, Janet?"
Janet
gazed again at her young friend still furiously working on his newest project
before answering truthfully, "I think it's going to take some time...a lot
of time and a lot of patience. We don't have him completely back yet. He has to
deal with a lot of issues and now with the attack last night...healing is going
to be even more of a challenge for him...and for us."
Sam
nodded her head before saying, "We should leave him alone. I'll come back
and check on him in another hour or two."
"Let's
go."
They both left as quietly as they had arrived. Daniel hadn't even realized that the two women had been spying on him, he was so focused on trying to translate the writings on the artifact that he had allowed his guard to drop momentarily.
* * * * * *
LONELINESS
Fear
of the Unknown
Jack
had felt the tension among his friends the moment he'd set foot in the SGC. He
was certain they had seen Daniel or spoken with him, as the looks that Sam,
Janet and even Teal'c had tossed his way were enough
to kill. All three of them had been very abrupt and brisk towards him. He'd
managed to get no more than a polite 'hello Colonel' out of Sam, and Janet had only
spoken to him when she'd absolutely had to. Teal'c
had just plain ignored him. Yep, they had obviously either seen or spoken with
Daniel recently, for the air was so damned cold in here today that he would
need a furnace to warm up. Shit! Normally he would have been pissed off at the
way his co-workers were treating him, except he felt that they were completely
justified. Hell, he deserved a lot worse than what they were bestowing upon
him.
He
quickly made his way to his office wanting to hide away from those condemning
glares that only reminded him of what had transpired the previous evening. He
was having a hard enough time blocking out Daniel's wounded expression. He sure
as hell didn't need the icy stares to go along with those images.
As he settled in his office he wondered if Daniel was here. He tried to focus on his work determined to give Daniel some space, but the longer he sat there the more the images from the previous evening danced across his vision: Daniel pleading, Daniel begging, Daniel fighting against him, Daniel running from him and Daniel running from the house...Daniel, Daniel, Daniel... He cursed loudly both disgusted and angry with himself. He became so pissed that he threw his hand across his desk upturning items and knocking others to the floor. He stopped and gawked at the mess he made then quickly set to work cleaning it up. By the time he was finished he could no longer stay away from Daniel. He HAD to see him, had to apologize and had to speak with him. He had to!
Before he realized what he was doing he'd made a beeline directly for the young archaeologist's office needing to see him to make certain that he had made it safely to wherever he ran to the previous night. As he drew nearer to Daniel's office he gasped when he heard his lover informing someone that he was okay just shaken up a bit. He couldn't move as he heard Daniel's voice floating out into the hallway, but as he heard the visitor saying good-bye he quickly darted out of sight, not wanting to be caught spying. He wanted so badly to speak with Daniel but lost his nerve. He quickly retreated to the commissary to get some food, cursing himself for taking the coward's way out by hightailing it out of there. Wimp! He was a damned coward! He couldn't even work up the nerve to apologize to the man. The doubts began crowding in: what if Daniel refused to see him? What if he panicked? What if he ran? What if...? He shook his head before bolting. Coward! He was a coward! Damn!
* * * *
Jack couldn't stay away from Daniel. After lunch he found himself again standing outside his lover's office door staring at his name spelled out on the golden plaque before him. He lovingly ran his fingers across Daniel's nameplate feeling his heart aching for his lover. He then reached for the doorknob slowly wrapping his hand around it and turned it ever so slightly. All he would do was look at Daniel. He would spend a few moments looking at him then he would leave again. He would.
As
he opened the door he paused gawking at his lover now turned away from him
focusing on an artifact as he wrote notes...translation... Daniel was
translating. He knew that he was. He was determined to leave but quickly
discovered that he just couldn't do it. Without a thought he stepped into the
room closing the door quietly behind him and approached Daniel. His feet moved
leading him on a path directly to his lover.
Daniel
was so focused on his translations that he'd failed to hear his approach. Jack
raised his hand preparing to place it on Daniel's shoulder but stopped himself
afraid that he would only hurt him all over again. He held his hand there
hovering just above Daniel like a phantom. He was caught between the need, the
desire to touch Daniel and the uncertainty of whether or not doing so was the
correct thing to do. He settled for silently observing the man still holding
his hand in the air prepared to lower it onto that broad shoulder or yank it
away when he finally made a decision. He watched that bent head admiring the
way the light was drawing out the red and gold highlights and swallowed hard as
he recalled just how soft the hair was. His fingers twitched as he felt an
incredible urge to run his hands through that silky hair...
Jack shook his head yelling at himself determined to leave as quietly as he had entered, but before he realized what he was doing he spoke one word, "Daniel..."
Daniel jumped jerking his head around so fast that Jack didn't know what to do. The instant Daniel's eyes fell on him he jumped to his feet and darted back behind his desk placing it between the two of them. Jack swallowed hard feeling his heart ache as Daniel felt the need to keep an object between them. As he looked at Daniel's face the first thing he noticed was the raw fear and panic there. The man was staring at him in something akin to horror and Jack could feel another crack form in his heart. Oh God, Daniel was scared to death...of him. God no! NO! The second thing he noticed turned his blood to ice...bruises, dark bruises marred that gorgeous face...marks placed there by his hands. He looked at his hands in disgust knowing that those bruises originated from them, from when he...when he...backhanded Daniel to...to punish him...oh God...to punish him for his betrayal. But there had been no betrayal on Daniel's part...no, the betrayal was from him and he had betrayed Daniel's trust...his love...oh God. He could no longer look at Daniel as he cast his eyes towards the ground extremely ashamed of what he had done.
Jack continued to listen to the tense silence becoming aware that Daniel's breathing was rapid; he sounded so afraid. Oh God, Daniel I'm so sorry...so sorry. I've caused you so much pain. How can I help you heal now? How? He glanced up as Daniel spoke in a shaky voice, "Jack, what...what are you...why are you...?"
"Danny..."
"Don't
call me that!"
Jack
flinched but conceded to Daniel's request. He raised his hands before him to
show Daniel that he wouldn't pressure him and wouldn't harm him again before he
softly uttered, "Okay...Daniel..."
"What
do you want, Jack?"
"What
do YOU want, Daniel?"
"You to leave...now."
"No,
I can't do that."
He heard Daniel gasp in surprise and heard him shift his position. As he glanced up again he noticed that Daniel was picking up his phone and dialing a number...whom was he calling? Security? Sam? Who? He suddenly realized that he didn't want Daniel to call anyone. What he wanted was the man to speak with him, to listen to him. Without thought he interceded placing his hand over top of Daniel's. Daniel snatched his hand away so rapidly that Jack was speechless. Oh shit, he was acting as if the touch burned him...shit! He shook his head sadly before pressing his finger onto the phone, depressing the button to disconnect the call. Daniel stared at him unmoving with fear and uncertainty flaring in his eyes. He quietly spoke, "You had no right to do that."
"I
had every right to do that," Jack spoke sternly only realizing it when
Daniel unconsciously flinched before asking, "Oh, oh you did? And since
when did you become my master, Jack?"
"What?"
Now where in the hell had that comment come from?
Daniel
quickly snapped, "I don't need a fuckin' master,
Jack! I'm no longer a fuckin' slave!"
"Daniel..."
"Don't talk to me, Jack...leave!"
"Daniel…"
Daniel
became angrier as he pointed to his face yelling, "Do you see these
bruises, Jack? I can't even stand to fuckin' look at
myself in a mirror knowing that MY LOVER despises me so much that he felt the
need to discipline me and punish me for doing things I had no control
over!"
Jack
swallowed hard before managing to squeak out, "Daniel, please..."
"Please?
Please? You're pleading with me now? How come last night my pleading nearly got
me fuckin' raped? You didn't listen to me then, so
why in the hell should I listen to you now?"
Oh,
ouch that was a very low blow, but Jack knew he deserved no less. He then
stepped around Daniel's desk attempting to eliminate the barrier that his lover
was trying so hard to place between them. Daniel's response was automatic as he
retreated backing away and raising his hands as if to ward him off. Jack felt a
wrenching deep within that his lover even felt the need to do so. Oh God, just
how badly had he hurt the man?
He was determined to fix this. He was determined to
apologize, and he sure as hell wasn't going to do so from across the room. He
moved around the desk in an attempt to approach Daniel, but didn't get very far
before Daniel's door suddenly flew open making the young linguist jump in
shock, obvious fear flaring in those eyes as the unexpected noise startled him.
The door admitted a very angry and perturbed
No.
NO! He had to fix this! He had to talk to Daniel. HE HAD TO! He was so
desperate to make Teal'c understand, to make him see
that it was extremely important he be allowed to speak with Daniel that he
resorted to pleading, "Teal'c...Teal'c please let me speak with him. I need to talk to him.
Please."
Teal'c glanced at Daniel noting the fear and anxiety in his young friend and
softened his voice as he questioned, "Daniel Jackson, do you desire to
speak with O'Neill?"
Jack
looked at Daniel hoping that his lover would say yes, pleading with his eyes
for Daniel to just give him a chance to explain. He felt his spirits fall as
Daniel shook his head no. Teal'c nodded his head and
Daniel spoke so softly that he had to strain to hear him, "Thank you, Teal'c."
"You
are welcome, Daniel Jackson."
Jack
felt defeated and allowed Teal'c to escort him from
Daniel's office. Once they cleared the door Jack spoke up in irritation,
"You can let me go now, Teal'c. I can walk fine
on my own."
He merely nodded before releasing his grip, but he didn't leave until he'd made sure Jack headed for his own office.
As he
entered his office Jack felt rage and anger take hold, as well as frustration.
In his mind's eye he could still see the bruises that now marred his lover's
face and could still feel the acid eating at his stomach as he realized that he
was the one responsible for doing that to the man. He kicked the wall deciding
to leave early and informed
He'd
meant to drive straight home, and had been determined to do so, but instead he
drove directly to a local bar and helped himself to several drinks. When he
felt a bit more relaxed as the alcohol began to do its work he drove home.
He
headed directly for his bathroom quickly showering before retrieving Daniel's
journal and squeezing his body between the sink and the tub again. He drew the
journal close to his body as if it were a gold treasure...to him it was. This
is how Daniel was speaking to him and telling him how he had felt. This journal
was quite possibly his last link to the man, and he'd be damned if he would
ever give the precious volume up. He was determined to read everything certain
that there were some very painful entries contained within, but he would read
them all. He had to read them all. He could no longer control his need to read
the journal again so without thought he opened it randomly to another page and
started to read:
I
feel his hands stroking me, fondling me, caressing me...feel my hunger surge,
feel the
arousal he triggers within me. Lust that is all it
is, lust pure and simple. Lust and primal
urges, primal need. His touch is one of experience
for he knows my body so well. He
knows what will excite me, what will make me burn
and what will make me groan. He
knows my body almost as intimately as you, my
lover. I have no resistance and no defense.
I
hate the way he can make me feel inside. I hate how he knows my body so
intimately.
He
should not have such knowledge. That knowledge belongs to you Jack. He stole
that
knowledge and uses it to control me,
to make me ache, to make me plead for completion.
I
hate it and I hate him for making me respond so instantaneously to his strokes,
his kisses,
his licks. I hate him and I hate myself for responding
so openly to him...
Jack closed his eyes tightly clenching them shut not wanting to read any further. God, Daniel hated himself for responding? He actually hated himself? Does he still hate himself? Jack shook his head sadly unable to make himself look at the page again. God, he couldn't read any more of this could he? The things Daniel must have suffered, he must have done...the self-loathing he must've had for himself... God...and all he had done was show Daniel that his self-hatred was justified. Shit, he was such an asshole...such a clueless fuckin' prick!
He
knew that he was crying again but didn't give a damn, for Daniel's words spoke
to him, telling him how much pain and anguish he had endured while serving Osiris. How the hell could he have accused Daniel of liking
what that fuckin' snake had done to him? My God!
Daniel had every right not to forgive him, every right! He didn't want to read
any further knowing that Daniel's words would crush his soul, and make him cry
so much harder...make him cry for his lover and for all that the man had
lost...all that he was still losing. Oh God...he didn't want to keep reading,
but he needed to. He needed to understand, needed to know...needed to feel how
Daniel had suffered to survive for so long as Osiris'
prisoner. Without further hesitation he focused on the page again quickly
locating where he had stopped and swallowing hard as Daniel's words continued
to break his heart...
Jack,
Jack...JACK!
He hung his head lower, clenching his eyes tightly shut as shame and guilt continued to swamp him. How could he have accused Daniel of betrayal? Daniel had obviously fought so hard against betraying him. Daniel had imagined that he was with him and that he was making love to him instead of Osiris? He always called 'Jack' when he climaxed? Those acts were not of betrayal they were of self-defense. They were the ways Daniel coped with his body's betrayal of himself and of his supposed betrayal of his lover. Daniel hadn't betrayed him. What he had done, what he had allowed Osiris to do to him was all for survival...his survival, Earth's survival and his friends' survival...everything Daniel had done was to protect those he loved, those he cared for. There was no betrayal even present in Daniel's behavior, yet he had coldly accused Daniel of betraying their love. God, he was such an ass and such a damned prick! He was so stupid, so goddamned stupid!
As
Jack continued to sit in the bathroom he pulled the journal against his chest
holding it closely knowing that this was all he had left of the love he had
quite possibly destroyed. He knew that he had to try to speak to Daniel again.
He had to! He couldn't give up on his lover. He wouldn't give up! He had
promised Daniel on several different occasions that he would never leave him,
and he was bound and determined to keep that sworn promise no matter how
challenging things became for them.
He
would speak with Daniel. He would get his lover back, and he would make certain
that Daniel knew how truly sorry he was and how much he loved him. He would not
lose Daniel ever again! He was determined to pursue him to the fiery depths of
hell and beyond to bring his lover back to him.
As he began to rock slightly clutching Daniel's journal to his chest he verbalized his promise, "I will get you back, Daniel Jackson. Whatever it takes I'll get you completely back! I promise you!"
* * * *
Daniel watched Jack leave with Teal'c and felt the tension quickly drain away. He reached blindly for his chair feeling the familiar, comforting texture beneath his fingers as he gripped the back. He gratefully sank into it, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers as a tension headache started to grip him in its clutches.
Daniel focused inward immediately recognizing his haggard breathing and becoming even more upset. He recognized his reaction instantly as what it was...fear, he was afraid...not just a little afraid, extremely afraid. How had he so quickly become afraid of his lover? How? It was only yesterday that he...he...
Daniel
hung his head...yeah, it was only yesterday that his lover had managed to
instill fear in him...only yesterday that he had been betrayed...only yesterday
that his world had been completely turned upside down by the man whose solace,
whose comfort, whose protection and whose love he desperately needed. But
instead of providing those things for him Jack had successfully driven home to
him just how unworthy and undeserving he now was.
What
was he going to do? What did he have left now? His greatest fear had become
reality when Jack attacked him and showed him physically how much he now
loathed him. He could feel himself beginning to shudder and the valley of
despair he had been balancing on the edge of opened wider. He was sliding
closer and closer to desolation and destruction. He was so close, so very
close, and all he felt like doing was taking the plunge...allowing himself to
become full of despair and hopelessness but then…but then he'd truly be lost
and unable to find himself ever again.
He inhaled sharply when he realized that the desire to end it, end the pain, end his suffering, end everything was beginning to rear its ugly head again. All he wanted to do was...NO! HE WAS NOT A QUITTER! NOT A QUITTER! He had to keep fighting although he was continually being pulled downward. He felt as if he were in a lake of immeasurable depth. There were no signs of land anywhere, nothing to hang onto, all he could do was tread water endlessly, for if he stopped he knew he would sink like a stone under the surface of that black water...down, down further and further feeling his body being encircled and enclosed by that deadly water until he became one with it. He could see himself flailing and kicking to breech the surface again, desperately trying to hang on to something, to anything, but there was nothing to hold onto anymore. He wished that someone would care if he disappeared into this vast emptiness, yet no one made an effort to come and save him. He heard a strangled cry of desperation, fear and panic fill the air and gasped screaming out in surprise when a warm hand suddenly reached out and encompassed his own cold one, so cold...his hand felt like ice. The one who came to his aid must've felt the coldness for they were now gently rubbing that hand between theirs.
Daniel opened his eyes seeing a very concerned, very scared and very worried Samantha Carter before him, and he had no idea how to react. He was so grateful for her presence that all he could do was reach out, reach out and desperately grab hold of her pulling her tightly against him. She must have sensed his need for she quickly wrapped her arms around him and held him closely, softly crooning that he was no longer alone and would never be alone again. Whispering that she was here for him and would always be here no matter what. Those words were the most beautiful he had ever heard.
Sam had decided to check on Daniel again, especially after Teal'c told her that the Colonel had paid him a visit. She'd made her way to his office sensing that he needed to be with someone. When she'd entered the room she'd immediately spotted him sitting in his chair so still, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. As he'd released the grip and lowered his hand back to his lap ice-cold fear had flooded her body, for what she'd seen in her friend's face had been enough to scare her to death. Daniel looked as if he could take no more. He'd looked utterly exhausted, utterly alone and so, so very lost. She'd sensed that he was fast losing the battle he's been waging within and once it was over Daniel would be lost to her and to them all forever. She couldn't allow that to happen. She'd quickly approached grasping his hand and feeling her fear increase, as she'd felt the coldness. No, no! She couldn't be too late, she couldn't! He couldn't be giving up now, could he? Not after all he'd had managed to survive. In her panic and fear she'd started to rub the cold hand between her own willing heat and circulation to return to it. When Daniel had turned to her and pulled her into that desperate hug she'd known that he'd desperately needed her at that moment and she'd willingly given of herself, relieved that her precious friend was still present.
* * * * * *
Early
the Next Day...
As
he approached Daniel's office Jack felt very apprehensive. Would Daniel even
speak to him or would he react in the same way he had yesterday? Jack swallowed
hard, closed his eyes and sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening that
Daniel would speak with him and hear him out. He slowly eased the door open catching
sight of Daniel who was drawn in on himself. He was curled up as much as he
could be in his chair, rocking back and forth. Jack felt his heart breaking
knowing that this was what he had done to his love. He had shattered Daniel's
soul completely by lashing out in jealousy and uncontrolled anger. Daniel had
been held captive for a year, being forced to betray the love of his life on an
almost daily basis. Knowing that he had betrayed his lover for so long had no
doubt left Daniel deeply scarred, for nothing could shatter his lover more
completely then causing another harm. But instead of
understanding how Daniel was feeling and trying to help him Jack had only added
to his lover's destruction.
He
slowly approached the younger man staring at his bent head, again noticing how
long and silky his hair was. He wanted to run his fingers through those golden
tresses, hell he wanted to pull Daniel against him and hold him forever. He
watched the one he loved with all his soul continue to rock without making a
sound. He inhaled shakily before softly speaking, "Daniel?"
His response to his name, the only indication that Daniel had heard someone speaking to him was the instant stilling of his persistent rocking. Jack tried saying his lover's name again as he placed a hand gently on Daniel's left shoulder. The younger man stiffened automatically preparing to jerk from the touch. Jack continued to speak hoping the words would alleviate Daniel's fears, "Daniel, we need to talk. I...I need to talk to you..."
"Go
away," came an unenthusiastic grumbled reply.
Jack
charged on taking advantage of being given some time to speak with the man
fearing that at any moment Teal'c or Sam would check
on Daniel and chase him away, "Daniel, please..."
Daniel
raised his head and glared at the man he still loved saying, "Leave me
alone."
"Please
just..."
"Please?
Please go away, Jack."
Jack
raised his hand to brush a loose strand of hair from Daniel's forehead and when
his lover suddenly pulled away, his breathing becoming haggard, Jack could see
fear. Daniel was afraid...afraid of him. He spoke softer feeling his throat
drying up as seeing that fear only upset him further, "Daniel, God, Daniel
you have to give me a chance to..."
Daniel could feel his heart rate increasing and fear filling his body. He wanted to flee, to escape because he was so afraid that Jack would lash out at him again. He needed Jack to leave before panic overwhelmed him. As Jack raised his hand again, this time lightly brushing the stray strand of hair off of his temple, Daniel clenched his eyes shut speaking barely above a whisper, "Please...please don't...don't touch me. Don't, don't hurt me."
Jack's
voice cracked with emotion as he softly replied, "Oh God, Daniel, no...I
won't..."
The
hand didn't move and Daniel was ready to scream. He managed to speak through
barely controlled fear, "Please, please do as I ask. Give me that much
courtesy. Please don't...don't make me...plead. Don't do that to me,
Jack."
"Daniel..."
As
Daniel sat in his chair flashes of the attempted rape began to fill his mind.
He recalled how Jack had backhanded him and called him a whore, shuddering
before jerking out of his seat and screaming, "GET OUT!"
Jack
stared at Daniel in confusion and shock. He hadn't expected Daniel's sudden
move. He sensed that he was quickly losing his chance to speak with him and to
apologize, but wasn't yet ready to give up hope. He had to make Daniel stay. He
had to make him listen, so he stepped towards Daniel who immediately backed up
shouting, "NO! NO! NO! STOP! Why are you doing this to me? WHY?"
Jack
looked at Daniel in confusion as he questioned, "Doing what to you,
Daniel? I'm simply trying to speak with you, and if you'd only listen..."
"No.
NO! Why should I listen to you when you didn't listen to me? I said no, I meant
no, so GET OUT!"
"Daniel..."
Daniel
backed up screaming as his mind sent him spiraling back to their house, back to
Jack striking him, calling him horrible names and raping him with his finger.
Oh God, he still hurt. He could feel tears threatening to spill but knew that
no more would fall, for he had long ago forgotten how to cry. No tears would
tumble down his cheeks, for he had no more left to surrender. He gasped as he
felt the wall against his back and felt suddenly claustrophobic. He started to
panic.
Jack
recognized the symptoms of panic immediately and moved closer saying,
"Daniel, Daniel...DANIEL?"
Daniel
couldn't focus; all he could manage was, "Go...please. I can't handle this
right now. I...I can't do it...I can't. Please...go...just leave."
"No,
Daniel, I'm not leaving you like this. NO!"
In
his sudden panic Daniel desperately cried out, "GIVE ME A CHOICE! I need
choices! Don't tell me what to do! Give me choices..."
"Daniel,
you need to relax. Please, Daniel, you're only going to hurt yourself more if
you..."
Daniel
screamed at the top of his lungs yelling "no" desperately. It was
then that the door flew open and Sam entered followed shortly by Janet. Sam ran
over to Daniel seeing his fear and panic. She spoke softly, "Daniel,
Daniel it's Sam. Daniel look at me...please look at
me. Daniel, I need you to look at me. Will you do that for me?"
He
felt his panic threaten to overtake him, but as Sam asked him if he could look at
her he felt the panic starting to flee. He turned to her then said,
"Sam...Sam..."
"Yes.
Yes Daniel it's me. Are you all right?"
Daniel fumbled to latch onto her arm continuing to speak only after he managed to secure his grip on her, "I asked him to leave. I did but he wouldn't...he won't... Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Why doesn't anyone listen to what I want? I don't want to be told what to do I want... I want..."
"Shh, shh, I know what you
want..."
Sam
wrapped her arms around Daniel before telling Janet to get Jack out of there.
Janet nodded then led the Colonel out of the room. The older man was so shocked
that he allowed her to guide him down the hall and into her office where she
said, "Have a seat, Colonel, we need to talk."
He
sat down without argument noticing the tight set of Janet's jaw, the way she
held herself completely rigid and the cold sparks glinting in her eyes...Janet Fraiser was pissed off.
He
swallowed hard and inhaled shakily as Janet started speaking, "How could
you be so stupid? Tell me that, Colonel. Answer me that..."
"What?"
"How
could you do that to him? I warned you that this would happen, but you didn't
listen... Why didn't you listen to him when he told you
no?"
"I...I..."
"He's
lost, Colonel, lost in a very dark, dangerous place and he's confused. He
already hates himself for what took place between himself and Osiris. He can't even stand to look at himself in a mirror,
Jack. How could you...how could you turn around and hurt him? You are supposed
to love him."
"I
know. I do. I don't know why I...I was jealous."
"JEALOUS?
You were jealous? Of what? His
reactions? Colonel, do you really think that Daniel had a choice in the
matter?"
Jack
could no longer look into her eyes for he felt shame and guilt fill him with
absolute misery as he could only mutter a soft, "No."
Silence
stretched between them like a sieve before Jack spoke again still feeling too
ashamed of himself and his actions to even look at the petite doctor. He'd
messed up, boy had he ever messed up big time and he knew that his impulsive
actions, his uncontrolled rage and boiling jealousy might well destroy what
still remained of his lover's fragile soul. He was definitely lost and so very
confused. He shook his head as he continued, "I...I don't know what came
over me. I...I don't... I hurt him so much...I... God, I took advantage of my
lover in his most vulnerable state… I...I crushed his trust with what I did...
God, Jan what if...what if I destroyed the man I love? What if I destroyed what
was left of that brilliant, beautiful, gentle man? I'll never forgive myself,
never...I... How could I do that to someone I love so deeply, so completely?
How? I'm a monster."
Janet noticed one thing in Jack O'Neill's eyes: regret. He regretted what he had done, but he had no idea how to undo it. She could see the glistening of tear streaks that now marked his face and felt the lump in her throat grow. She tried to swallow passed it thinking of how Jack and Daniel had come so far only to... This was crazy! She shook her head sadly as she interrupted, "Jack, I believe his trust was destroyed a long time ago."
He gasped, startled that she spoke and focused pain-filled eyes on her as he softly answered, "I believe you're right."
Silence
filled the room again stretching into minutes before Janet continued,
"He's afraid, Jack. He's so afraid and so angry. He hates himself. He
feels as if he betrayed you every time he... Jack, he
had no choice. He had none."
"I...I
know that now...I should've known that..."
"Jack,
we're losing him. Each day that goes by we lose a little bit more of him. He's
denying everything. He was devastated to return home only to...to be brutalized
by the only person in the whole world, hell in the entire universe that gives a
damn about him regardless of what has transpired in his life. Unconditional
love is what he desperately needs and no longer feels; he no longer believes
that he is even deserving of it. Jack, he told us...he... He said that he
deserved everything you did to him. He said that he deserved to be attacked by
you and punished for his unfaithfulness... He was never unfaithful, yet he
believes that he was."
"I
know... Janet what the hell am I going to do about it? What the hell am I going
to do about him? He's scared to death of me now."
"His fear is justified. He went through a harrowing experience. None of us know what his life was like during the time he was away. The truth of the matter is that he was raped repeatedly. There may not have been much violence in the acts, there may not have been much physical harm, but he was still raped. His feelings were raped, his emotions were raped, his spirit was raped, his soul was raped and his body was raped, and not just once, oh no, it was over and over and over again. I...I'm not really sure if there IS anything you can do to help him anymore, Colonel. He may already be lost to us. The recent attack may have...may have...might have been the last draw for him."
"Oh
God, I don't know what I'll do if I lose him, Jan. I can't lose him, I can't. I
can't live without him. I...I just..."
Jack
hung his head pressing his hands into his eyes as more tears ran down his
cheeks. What was he going to do now? The damage had already been done what
if... God, Danny.
He
shook his head feeling his despair continuing to surmount. He had wronged
Daniel so much, so very much, "You know what Janet?"
She
lifted her gaze towards him surprised that he spoke and waited for him to
continue, "I...I..."
"What
Jack? What?"
"I...I
wanted to punish him Janet, to hurt him. God forgive me but I did."
She
inhaled sharply forcing herself to remain calm as Jack continued his
confession, "I wanted him to suffer for all the times he shut me out, all
the times he clung to me one minute only to shove me away the next. I...I
wanted him to hurt like I was hurting... I wanted him to know that I was
hurting, and I neglected to consider that he was already suffering. I forgot,
Janet. How could I...? I... You know I...I wanted to...to hurt him Janet. Can
you believe that? I...I don't know why I just, I just... Each denial, each
refusal, each angry outburst, each time he tensed when I touched him only made
me angrier with him and I couldn't seem to forget how eagerly he had responded
to Osiris yet refused to let me touch him. When Osiris... All he did was run his fingers through Daniel's
hair once, one time and he had Daniel moaning in pleasure responding eagerly to
him yet, yet Daniel couldn't stand to be touched by me..."
"Did
you ever think that shame is why he never wanted, wants you to touch him? He
feels dirty and used, soiled he said...ruined. Did you ever think that he
didn't want you touching him because he didn't want to sully you too, Jack? Did
you ever think about that?"
Jack continued as if he hadn't heard her, not wanting to think about the words too much knowing they had the power to crush him, "I wanted to hurt him for his unfaithfulness, for accepting something from someone else that he constantly denied me. God, Janet I'm a monster...a goddamned monster!"
"No you're just a lover, a friend... You see how he behaves now. You remember how he used to behave, and no matter what you try to do or how you try to help him you can't. You see how the abduction affected him. You see his lack of trust, lack of safety, lack of faith... You see first hand his devastation. You see him struggling so desperately to move on with his life and no matter how hard you try nothing you do seems to help him, it only makes him more anxious, more paranoid, more frightened, more panicked so you don't know what to do for him anymore. You don't know how to help him and it's tearing you apart. I told you before how hard it is to be a supporter, to stand by someone who has been so thoroughly traumatized. It's not easy; it never is. What you have to remember is that none of this is his fault or even your fault, none of it. You have to remember that he is no longer complete. He has been sliced in half, shattered numerous times and left to build the pieces up again and again. His life has been shattered and like a broken mirror he will be forever cracked, forever changed. Your job is to help fuse those pieces back together again. Your job is to help him to use more than tape or glue to put himself back together. He has been trying to fuse those shattered pieces of his soul, his spirit back together, but he can no longer do so on his own. Now, now he needs a second set of hands to help mend those shards and make them more solid. He separated himself and gave the best part of himself to you for safe keeping now, now he needs that part back because without it he's still broken, still shattered nearly beyond all recognition. He doesn't know who he is anymore. He knows who he was before his captivity, knows what he became during captivity and knows what he wants to be again but it's so hard for him to find his way home. He's still broken Jack. He's still lost and confused. You hurt him, and he can't understand why. He has convinced himself that since he betrayed you so often by giving himself to Osiris that he deserves to suffer. He feels that you are justified in punishing him. Your attack to him is justifiable but now, now he's a victim again. He's back in the role of complacency. He's back in that role of a slave. You confirmed what he had already convinced himself of: he is only good as a..."
"Fuck
toy..."
"WHAT?"
She stared at him both horrified and upset by those two words. How could...how
could...? God...what the hell? How could the Colonel say such an awful thing?
Jack
saw the shock on her face and quickly explained, "That's...that's what he
called himself in...in his diary, Janet. He...he hated
it, hated surrendering but had no choice. He was... God, Janet he
was...raped...and I, I didn't see that. I didn't realize that. I thought…I
believed he enjoyed...but he didn't. The way he reacted that day I would have
sworn he enjoyed every damned minute of their...time together but after...after
reading several entries in his diary... He hated it, hated Osiris,
hated Sarah, hated himself... Why...why was I...? Why was I so quick to believe
that he had enjoyed being raped? Who could enjoy rape, Janet? Who?"
She
remained silent for several long moments before continuing in a sad voice,
"He refuses to accept that you know...says he wasn't raped. He says it was
all pleasure...all sex. He sways from one extreme to the other. Sometimes he
believes it all was just sex, sex for pleasure and then other days...other days
he sees what it really was. He realizes that it was rape, but he can't accept
it. He can't accept that he was raped. His shame, his guilt is so overwhelming
that when the realization creeps up he protects himself by saying it was sex
pure and simple. By believing it was just sex he no longer has to feel shame
for having allowed it to happen..."
"No,
he just feels shame because he thinks he betrayed me..."
"Unfortunately
yes... He...he's trapped himself in shame, guilt and despair and he can't find
a way out. He can't so he reaches out for someone, anyone in the hope that
there might be someone out there somewhere who's willing to take his hand, to
pull him free and offer him life again. That person he's relying on...that
person is you Jack. He needs you to be his savior. He is depending on you to put
him back together again, to make him whole and complete again. He's relying on
you to do what he can't do for himself, and if you turn from him, if you refuse
to accept that outstretched hand he keeps constantly extended towards you then
you will destroy him. You'll crush him and he'll never be complete
again..."
Jack shuddered at that realization. Daniel was relying on him still, had been from the beginning and even though what had happened recently was horrifying and terrible Daniel was still relying heavily on him to save him, and again he vowed to do just that, for he was never going to lose Daniel EVER AGAIN!
* * * *
Daniel entered the bathroom, relieved himself and managed to avoid looking in the mirror. He quickly approached the sink and washed his hands. Without thought he glanced up and stopped to stare at the image reflected there. Oh God, was that him? Was that battered, pale, skinny, destroyed man him? No, NO!
He
raised a hand towards the glass shocked and horrified at the image being
reflected back at him. Bruises marred pale thinned out cheeks and stood out
sharply against a wiry neck. As he turned his head slightly to the right he
could see another pattern of black bruising that dipped beneath his shirt
heading on a direct path towards his shoulder. Bags hung under his eyes making
his already sunken-in face look even worse. As he focused upon his image in the
mirror he could see now why Janet seemed so concerned about his health. She had
reported that he was physically healthy but had neglected to tell him that he
was still underweight and still looked as if he hadn't slept in months.
As he continued to concentrate on the grotesque image in the mirror he thought of the attack. His lover had attacked him and in a fit of rage nearly raped him... Daniel wrapped his arms around his body holding them across his chest as if they were protective shields that could guard him and keep him safe. As he glanced at his wrists he could see the dark bruising there from fingers that had attempted to restrain him as the one he'd trusted completely, the one he'd loved with all his heart had prepared to rape him. NO! He hated that image, hated it and wanted to destroy it.
He
continued to look at the stranger in the mirror seeing flashes of his
captivity, remembering how he'd begged and pleaded to be fucked and to be
humiliated. He could see himself crawling on all fours thanking his lord for
allowing him to be his dog slave. He could see himself straining against restraints
as hands trailed across his body leaving fire in their wake and effectively
making him hard. He could see himself pleading to smell his master and to lick
him. He could see himself bowing in the humiliating kneel forward position
presenting his assets for his master's exploration and admiration and he hated
those images, hated himself for being in those images, hated himself for so
willingly surrendering to his captor. Again he heard Jack's words and they cut
him deeply: whore, bitch, slut... He shuddered as he recalled Jack's accusing
words: 'Only a fuckin' dirty whore would willingly
give himself to the enemy,' 'did you enjoy being his bitch,' 'you obviously
couldn't get enough of the fuckin' Goa'uld,' 'show me how good a fuck you can be, love...'
No, no, NO! Daniel felt rage and anger fill him, and all he wanted to do was lash out and destroy. He wanted to destroy that image reflecting in the mirror. He hated that person standing there, hated him and wanted to destroy him, destroy the broken, shattered creature he had become. Daniel screamed driving his fist into the mirror feeling pain flood his body and listening to the distinct chink of glass breaking and shattering. As he focused on the mirror he could still see the broken man in the intact pieces and wanted the image obliterated, so he drove into the mirror again striving to destroy the image, to destroy the being he now was. He was so lost in his anger, rage and despair that he didn't hear the door to the bathroom flying inward, instead he drove his fist into the mirror again feeling a sadistic little pleasure as the mirror shattered under the cruel onslaught and shards of glass went everywhere.
He didn't realize he was no longer alone until hands grabbed him and attempted to wrap around him. His anger turned into utter panic and fear. He fought screaming, yelling that he wasn't going back; they couldn't make him go back ever again! He continued to resist, fighting and nearly breaking free of the hold, but when the person refused to yield he collapsed in exhaustion and allowed himself to sink to his knees not caring as glass sliced into his legs. He grabbed a shard of glass and held it before him briefly contemplating ramming it into his own neck to end this horrible existence once and for all. As he raised the shard a strong arm seized his wrist jerking his arm so painfully that he was certain his shoulder had been dislocated. Then he resorted to twisting in those arms begging to be released. He yelped as the grip only tightened further, and it felt as if the bone in his arm was being crushed to a fine powder. He released his hold on the glass not caring when the sharp edge dug into his hand slicing open the palm as it clattered to the floor and splintered into even more sharp barbs.
What
happened next was a blur to him as he was suddenly bodily lifted into powerful
arms and rushed down the hallway. He couldn't even seem to recall where he was
or what was going on then he saw Janet Fraiser as she
softly accused, "My God, Daniel, look at what you've done to
yourself!" He moaned feeling his sorrow encompass him. Then he attempted
to curl inward on himself. He heard Janet tell the aids to hold him, but they
weren't fast enough to stop his normal response to extreme suffering as he
folded in on himself and curled into a fetal position. He faintly heard Janet
say that she had to get a look at his hands and wrists to check for damage then
darkness surrounded him and tugged him under. The last thing he heard was
Janet's quiet whisper of, "Thank God he's asleep," before he allowed
himself to drift away.
Later
that same day Daniel awoke and smiled warmly towards Janet, who was standing
over him as if to protect him. He softly spoke, "Looks like I messed up again,
doesn't it, Jan."
Startled
eyes turned his way as Janet replied, "Daniel, Daniel, how are you
feeling? Are you all right?"
"Hmm...feel like...like I was in an accident..."
"Daniel
what happened?"
"I
hate mirrors, Jan."
"What?"
"Can't...can't stand to see my reflection any more...I...I couldn't... I caught sight of myself and...and it all came back...those words...hateful words and accusations that Jack made...the...the things I was forced to do while with Osiris...it all started...bombarding and I...I didn't know how else to respond so I..."
"Broke
the mirror with your fist?"
"Yes...I'm...
Janet
smiled at him as she responded, "The General doesn't know anything about
this. Teal'c found you and brought you to me. Sam
cleaned up the mess...no one knows about this other than us, Daniel."
"But
you'll have to tell him..."
"Yes,
eventually...of course something like this comes under the doctor/patient
confidentiality act..."
"How...how
badly did I...?"
"You
injured your knuckles, gained another nasty cut on the palm of your hand,
scratched up your wrists a bit and acquired some new smaller cuts across both of
your knees but other than that you're fine."
"But
I'm not...am I Jan?"
"What?"
"I'm
not fine...what's happening to me?"
"Daniel,
you endured a harrowing experience and you survived only to be hurt further by
the man you loved and trusted completely. Your responses are completely normal,
Daniel. In fact, I'd be worried if you hadn't exhibited any of these
behaviors...it's all part of healing, Daniel. All of it..."
"All
of it? You mean I'm not losing my mind? Because that's what it feels like, Jan,
like...like I... Jan, I don't know who I am anymore."
She
tensed feeling that confession digging at her heart. Daniel sounded so lost and
confused. She forced a smile as she gently urged, "Why don't you get some
sleep? We'll talk about this later. Okay?"
Daniel nodded slightly and closed his eyes. Janet watched him, feeling a sense of relief when she heard the distinct change in his breathing pattern, which indicated he was now fast asleep. Thank heavens. She reached out gently stroking his hair as she watched him resting. He would have a long way to go before he was completely healed from this. She wanted to say that he would completely heal but knew that she couldn't yet say that for he had been gone for so long, had been raped so often and attacked by the one man he loved above all others in the span of a year and a half. He might not be able to find himself again but she prayed, oh how she prayed for him to heal and to find his way home.
* * * *
After Jack's discussion with Janet, he decided to go home a bit early. He needed to think about stuff. Mainly, he needed to think of how he could get through to Daniel, of how he could apologize to him, and of how he could help him to continue to heal. He had hurt Daniel severely and hated himself for what had occurred that night. Now, now he had to figure out how to reach Daniel, and how to convince him that he was sorry and would remain with him always.
As
he paced back and forth in the bedroom thinking of how to reach Daniel again he
paused, feeling drawn once more to the box sitting on his nightstand. He knew
what that box held, and his hands itched to touch it. He needed to touch the
journal, to read it again. Without conscious thought he retrieved it and slipped
into the bathroom making himself comfortable as he
opened the volume to yet another entry, prepared to understand Daniel as
intimately as he would allow. The journal would be his door to understanding
his lover and to experiencing what Daniel had during his captivity with an evil
Goa'uld lord...
Jack sniffed before brushing a hand across his eyes as he allowed those words, Daniel's precious words to sink in. In those words he could read Daniel's emotions so easily. He had made Daniel happy, full of spirit and a lightness of being. He had made Daniel feel special and important, but when Osiris had stolen him, trapped him and refused to release him he had destroyed all those things leaving Daniel feeling empty. He had destroyed Daniel's dreams, his hopes and his joy, but still he clung to the fragile hope that someday, somehow, they would be reunited again. They would be happy again and they would both live their lives to the fullest enjoying one another and sharing a love that would endure beyond time.
Jack
felt the tears spilling again and strove to dash them away closing his eyes as
he saw his lover standing before him happy and joyful, full of love and
laughter. Daniel was always hopeful and as he read the words again he felt
certain that Daniel had always felt safe with him. Safe, warm, loved,
comforted... But as he read those final two paragraphs a second time Jack felt
his throat clogging up as he felt Daniel's despair, his loneliness and his
longing. He knew beyond a doubt that he had been Daniel's reason for living,
for fighting, for waking each day. He was the air Daniel breathed, the warmth
he sought, and the safety he was desperate to attain. He was Daniel's hope, his
joy...his entire life. He was the reason Daniel fought to survive and Daniel's
biggest fear was that one day he'd be abandoned again. He heard Oma's words to him echoing back as if to remind him of what
they were and why they were meant to remain together always: 'You are as one.
You live as one. You love as one...'
He needed Daniel as much as Daniel needed him and as long as they remained apart neither would be happy, and neither would be able to survive the loneliness. They would both feel empty until they were reunited. He had to get Daniel back. He had to bring Daniel home, completely. There was no room for failure, for if he failed at the task he must complete then Daniel Jackson would truly be lost to them, and Jack feared that this time, this time there would be no way to retrieve him...
* * * *
Several Hours Later...
As
Daniel opened his eyes he smiled softly upon seeing Janet Fraiser
sitting beside him, watching him like Jack always had. He released a yawn and
stretched wincing as he felt each individual cut on his hand, wrist and knees.
He then settled asking, "Did Jack go home?"
"Yes."
"Does
he know about...?"
"No.
He left before your accident."
"My accident?" Daniel chuckled before continuing, "You make
it sound like I had no intention of breaking that mirror."
“How
are you feeling?"
"Tired,
a little stiff but okay..."
"Good.
Do you feel up to...?"
Daniel's
smile broadened as he lightly teased, "Am I being discharged?"
"Yes."
"Already? Why, Janet, I never expected to leave so soon after what I..."
Instead
of allowing him to finish his statement Janet chimed in, "Daniel, are you
always so...sarcastic when you're awake?"
"Oh yeah. Drives Jack nuts."
"I
see. It's a wonder he puts up with you so well."
As Daniel
flinched Janet realized her mistake. The words had hurt him and she immediately
apologized for speaking without thinking. Daniel assured her it was all right
before rising out of bed and dressing in silence. She felt guilty for hurting
him and wanted to take back those words. She continued watching him expecting
him to leave without a backward glance and was surprised when he sat back down
on the bed before quietly asking, "Janet, do you think Jack still...loves
me?"
Without
thought she answered, "Yes. Yes he does. Very much
Daniel, very much."
"Then
why did he...hurt me?"
"I,
I...I'm not...sure."
Daniel
noticed how she seemed unable to hold his gaze any longer and prodded further,
"You've spoken to him since...since..."
"Yes.
Yes I have."
"And?"
"And
he's devastated, ashamed, angry..."
Daniel
downcast his eyes as he choked out, "With me no doubt."
"NO!
No, not with you Daniel, with himself, with himself
Daniel."
Daniel
smiled certain she was just saying that to make him feel better and not wanting
her to realize that he didn't believe her words. He nodded before thanking her
and getting off the bed to leave. Janet stopped him as she said, "It's true Daniel. He isn't angry with you at all. He loves
you. He's just ashamed of his own actions. He's disappointed with himself. He
hurt you and he has no idea how to mend that hurt. He needs you as much as you
need him."
Daniel
glanced at her holding her gaze for several long moments before excusing
himself and leaving the infirmary with his head bowed down towards the ground.
She felt tears threatening to spill as she stared at the closed door and
wondered how Daniel was ever going to heal. She stared at the door for a long
time before brushing her hands hastily across her eyes to catch the wayward
tears and returning her focus to her job while trying not to think of how much
her two friends were now suffering.
* * * *
Later
That Evening...
Daniel hesitated outside Dr. Wentworth's office door wanting to knock but afraid to do so. He stood there for several moments before knocking. When she called for him to come in all he wanted to do was turn around and run away, but he forced himself to open the door keeping his head bowed as he said, "Um can I...am I too late for my...?"
"No,
no you're right on time. Come in, Doctor Jackson. Come
in."
Daniel
nodded then entered approaching her couch before lowering to it keeping his
head held low and attempting to conceal his injuries from her.
Doctor Wentworth smiled, pleased that Daniel was making every effort to come to his daily sessions. From the beginning she'd sensed they would have to go week to week. Doctor Jackson didn't seem to be the type of person who accepted help readily, and talking about himself was even more difficult, yet he still somehow managed to make it to each session.
She
watched him noting that he held his head down and was sitting more compactly
than usual. She swallowed hard sensing something had happened during the past
week that had greatly upset him. She softly inquired, "How have you been,
Daniel?"
"Oh
um well same as always...fine, you know..."
Okay that was a very awkward response now she knew for certain something had happened so she continued to pursue the evasive answer with idol talk, "Is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about? Is there anything bothering you, Daniel?"
Silence
answered her questions, silence and the sudden fidgeting in his seat marked by
the way he focused all his attention on picking invisible lint off his
clothing. Something was really bothering him. He wanted to talk about it but
was uncertain how to start the discussion. As she watched those fine lean
fingers working she took notice of the new bandages now on his hands. What had happened
to him? She was very disturbed by those bandages and knew she'd have to pursue
that issue as well, but first she would allow Daniel the time he seemed to need
to work up the courage to speak to her about what was occupying his mind so
thoroughly.
As
the silence continued to build she tried again softly questioning, "Is
there anything you'd like to talk about, Daniel?"
Daniel
remained silent caught in indecision. He wanted to talk to her about how he was
feeling, about Jack's unexpected assault and about how he could no longer make
sense of his life. He felt as if he were hanging on to his sanity by a very
thin thread. He feared he was about to completely lose himself in his
overwhelming despair and anguish and he wanted desperately to remain here, to
reclaim his life and to find that missing part of himself that would once again
make him whole. It hurt to know that missing part was Jack O'Neill, and he had
no idea what to do about it.
He nervously brushed his tongue across his bottom lip knowing he had to answer her question but was afraid to even start a conversation with her on the issue that was at the forefront of his mind. He remained silent for several more moments before clenching his eyes tightly shut as he quietly uttered a question he hadn't expected to ask, "I was raped, wasn't I?"
The
question was unexpected, so unexpected that it rendered her temporarily
speechless. She had expected him to say something but, not to ask if he had
been raped. She was left trying to figure out just what she could say or how
she should even respond to him. She tried to formulate a response in her mind
when he spoke again, "He ra...raped me, didn't
he?"
Was he finally accepting that his captor had raped him repeatedly or was he still trying to convince himself that he had willingly lain with another? She tried to read his emotions but it was impossible when he kept his head bowed so low. She was starting to feel a bit anxious as she began to wonder if there was a reason he was holding his head so low. Had something happened or...? She tensed before saying, "Daniel..."
"God
he did. HE DID! NO! I can't...no. It can't be true! I was willing I..."
"Daniel..."
Daniel
lifted his head then as he heard the worry in her voice freezing when she fell silent
and paled. He knew that she was looking at the bruising now marring his face
and felt fear like no other pounding through him. He waited on edge for her
next response not certain what to do or how to even react when she gently
prodded, "Daniel how did...the bruises on your face...?"
He
lowered his head in shame as he answered in a choked whisper forcing her to
lean further forward in her chair to hear him, "He...he tried to...to...
He tried. I tried to stop him but... He stopped on his own, but not
before...hurting me..."
She
hissed loudly before adding, "You're talking about Colonel O'Neill, aren't
you?"
When
he seemed to grow even more compact before her she knew she had her answer and
tensed releasing a soft, "Oh God, I'm sorry."
Daniel
released a soft sob before shaking his head and focusing intently on her
forcing out, "Don't be. It was no more than I deserved."
She
flinched unaware that she hadn't controlled her emotions as she had been
trained immediately recognizing her error and composing herself accordingly as
she cleared her throat before gently prying, "No more than you deserved?
Daniel, what do you mean by that?"
Daniel
held her gaze briefly before casting it towards the wall and continuing,
"He punished me. I betrayed him repeatedly by giving myself to another and
he punished me accordingly. It was his right..."
"WHAT?"
She stared at him in horror as he told her that he deserved to be beaten for sleeping with another. What the hell was the man trying to do punish himself for being raped repeatedly? My God, how had he become so good at self-blame? She shook her head forcing back the tears that wanted to come forth, tears for his pain and his torment, tears for all he had lost and all the burden he was carrying on his shoulders. She had to help him realize that he wasn't to blame for what had happened during his captivity and that no one NO ONE deserved to be beaten for something for which they had no control over. She was determined to get through to him and informed, "No, no Daniel it isn't. No one has the right to hurt another no matter what the reason. He was wrong. What he did was wrong. He attacked you. He hurt you. He abused you. That is so wrong Daniel. You didn't deserve that kind of treatment, and you need to stop taking on so much burden..."
Daniel
responded in a small quiet voice, "But I betrayed him..."
"Daniel,
you didn't betray anyone. What happened during your captivity wasn't your
fault. Why do you insist on taking the blame for everything that transpired
during that time?"
"I...I
don't do that. I just...I know I'm at fault and..."
"NO!
No you are not. What you did there you did to survive...there is a BIG
difference."
"No
I still betrayed Jack. I..."
She
pursed her lips as she noticed that he was still assuming all responsibility
for what had happened to him, and he was still trying to justify the abuse. She
had to help him get beyond the self-blame and help him to realize that he
wasn't evil or wicked like he seemed to believe. She decided to take the
conversation back to his initial question searching for a direction in which to
take the session without getting into a full-blown argument with her patient.
She focused on him as she said, "Daniel, you asked me if you were raped.
Why did you...?"
Daniel inhaled sharply before casting his gaze back to the floor thinking of the moment when he'd started to accept that Osiris had raped him. He shuddered before attempting to explain to her why he had asked that initial question, "Um when Jack...when he pinned me to the bed..."
Without
thought she asked in outrage, "He PINNED you?" causing Daniel to fall
silent and hang his head again. She swallowed the rest of her complaint fearing
that she might have just stymied her patient by interrupting and tried to
smooth over the rift she had unwittingly placed between them, "I'm...I'm
sorry please continue."
She
sat on the edge of her seat fearing that Daniel would revert to silence. It was
always so hard to get him to open up and talk about things and to interrupt him
in the midst of an explanation like that could prove to be hazardous to his
healing. She silently chided herself for being so thoughtless. She closed her
eyes and tried to separate herself from her client. She was aware that she was
reacting to his words and allowing her emotions to get caught up in the
session. She had to stop doing that. She knew that as a counselor she needed to
keep herself under control and keep herself from getting too wrapped up in the
pain and suffering of her patients. She hadn't had difficulty in the past with
that but Daniel was different. She could easily relate to him, which could
prove dangerous if she didn't watch how she reacted.
As he lifted his head to look at her once again she quieted her own thoughts and gave him her complete attention patiently waiting for him to continue while silently praying that he would. When he focused intently on her she knew that he was willing to go on and was thankful she hadn't halted him.
Daniel
hesitated feeling nervous and anxious, not wanting to answer her question but
knowing he should say something, so he took a deep breath before continuing,
"When we were in bed I started to realize that he... My Lord had
rape...raped me..."
My lord? She had heard him make reference to "his lord" once before
and from that title knew that he had been treated as a servant, a slave who was
forced to call the one who held him prisoner his master and lord. She shivered
upon hearing those words and what they implied. She knew that Daniel's
suffering had been extreme and that the scars went very deep, but she knew very
little of what had actually transpired while he was a prisoner. From what Janet
had told her no one yet knew much about what Daniel had to endure. The not
knowing bothered her excessively and the fact that no one seemed to know what
had happened even now after several months bothered her even more, for it told
her that he kept his secrets locked deep and kept things buried so far down
that few people, if any, would ever learn what had happened to him. If he
didn't start talking about the things that had happened while he was held
prisoner then his healing would take a very long time indeed. He had to open up
to someone and she had hoped that Jack O'Neill would be the one but since he'd
assaulted Doctor Jackson she was no longer sure if he'd ever speak of what he
had to endure for all that time.
She quieted her thoughts again as she asked another question, "Why are you no longer certain that your captor raped you, Daniel?"
"Well
because...because he...I... Rape is violent. It's brutal and...and most people are injured, physically. I rarely had any
physical injuries. Occasionally I'd have scratch marks, bite marks and bruises
but that wasn't very often..."
"How
did those injuries come about?"
"He...he
would...he liked it rough at times. He used to...he'd play this...game with me
where he'd grab me from behind. He...he'd then...then he'd throw me on his bed
and...and pin me. He liked rough sex and I'd often end
up scratched and bruised from it."
"I
thought you said it only happened on occasion."
Daniel
jerked his gaze away from her focusing on his hands as he began to wring them
together aware that he had just told her something he had never planned to tell
anyone. He desperately tried to cover up the truth as he said, "Oh it was
seldom. I mean...it happened only a few times...I..."
"How
often did your captor require you to serve him in bed?"
"How often? Why...why do you want to know that?"
She
observed his sudden anxiousness and fear. He was nervous as hell and continued
to wring his hands together unable to hold her gaze any longer. She knew she
was pushing him but wanted to draw an answer from him on the issue. He was
actually telling her a few things and she wanted to get all the information out
of him that she could, unsure of what had prompted him to speak so freely all
of a sudden. He hesitated before quietly mumbling, "Every evening..."
God,
oh my God! Every evening? He had been raped every
evening? Surely not! She shook her head as sadness filled her and repeated,
"Every evening? From the beginning Daniel?"
"Yes
several times a night...actually but I..."
Several
times a night! Well no wonder he tried to convince himself that he'd been
willing. He had probably been raped over a hundred times during his
imprisonment. He had been held for a year. A year was a long time and if he had
been required to serve his captor in bed nightly sometimes several times in one
night then the number of rapes was astronomical. How had he survived such
atrocities being done to him on a daily basis? She understood more now why he
was so convinced that he had been a willing participant in the sexual acts he
performed. It was much easier for him to accept that he had enjoyed the sex and
that's why he'd done it so often than to admit that he had been forced to
survive repeated rapes. She felt a tear roll down her cheek and quickly dashed
it away forcing the conversation onto a different topic as she cleared her
throat and asked, "You called him 'My Lord' earlier..."
Daniel snapped his head upwards as he emphatically denied, "No I didn't!" which caused her to fall silent shocked by his intense denial of what he had said earlier in the session. Why did being told he had addressed his captor as "My Lord" draw such a strong response from him? She wondered how to proceed wanting to pursue the issue but uncertain as to how so she tried a slightly different approach, "Doctor what was your function..."
"My function?" Daniel fell silent clenching his eyes tightly shut
as the answer flew back at him: 'the master's pet whore'. His
"function" as she had so delicately put it had been to serve his
master in the bedroom and to do everything he'd ordered without question. He
couldn't tell her that! He paused as she seemed to stumble over her own choice
of words before continuing her question, "What happened to you while you
were imprisoned?"
"What
happened to me? What...what do you mean?"
"I
mean what... What jobs were you required to perform?"
"There
were lots of jobs that I was required to perform admirably. I…I don't
understand what you're asking me."
"Were
you addressed by your name? What was your title?"
"My title? I was a prisoner, a prisoner of war. I was a valuable asset to him and
he didn't want to release me. He wanted to own and control me completely. My
title was what he chose. I served him in many capacities. I was...my status was
that of a servant, a slave to My Lord. I had the rank of a servant even though
I was his chosen...I... Is that what you're asking?"
"You
served? You were a slave?"
"Yes."
"I see."
"You
do? Well I don't. What the hell do you want from me?"
"I
want to help you."
"And
how does determining that I was a slave help you to do that?"
"It
gives me a better understanding of you, of where you're coming from."
"Really?"
"Yes.
Daniel, are you aware that we have now met many times and this is the first
time you've mentioned that you were kept as a slave?"
Daniel
trained his gaze on the floor as he quietly answered, "I wanted it that
way. I don't like to share my life with many."
"Why?"
"Because it's no one's business but my own. My life... I've faced a lot of challenges through the years. I've survived a lot of bad circumstances. No one wants to hear about those things, and I would rather not make it common knowledge. I like to keep my private life very private."
"In
your personnel record at the SGC it stated you lost your parents when you were
a child. You saw them die before you..."
"So?"
"It
also stated that you had been married but that your wife is deceased..."
"Well
I'm glad you can read, Doctor, but could you please explain to me why we're
even discussing this?"
She
cocked her head to the side before stating a fact, "You don't let many
people in do you, Daniel?"
Daniel
focused on her before asking, "What...what kind of a question is
that?"
Instead
of answering him she asked another question, "Who do you turn to when you
need a little understanding, a little extra comfort...who?"
"Sam,
Teal'c and..."
"And Jack?"
"Yes..."
"Have
you told him anything about what happened to you?"
"Not,
not really, no…I told him that a lot happened to me. There were a lot of things
that happened that I will never be able to share with him."
"Have
you told him anything at all?"
"Well...not
exactly. I did but..."
"But what?"
Daniel felt a headache beginning behind his eyes and reached up to grip the bridge of his nose. It was another stress headache. He knew it was. Doctor Wentworth was starting to confuse him. Her questions were odd and he wasn't sure exactly what she was trying to pull from him, all he knew was that he didn't like it. She wanted information and he wasn't willing to give much of that up. He shook his head as her last question permeated his mind responding with a soft, "Never...never mind. Um what...what are we talking about again?"
Noticing
the distress in her patient Doctor Wentworth reconsidered her course of action.
She was trying to keep him slightly off balance wanting him to reveal more to
her and had hoped he'd cooperate, but she could see that her questions were
only placing him on higher guard. He was quickly building the wall back around
himself, and she was left with trying to figure out how to proceed. She
swallowed hard before softly repeating her question, "Have you told
Colonel O'Neill anything about what happened to you during the course of the
past year?"
Daniel
continued to grip the bridge of his nose hearing her question but finding that
he couldn't continue. He shook his head before replying, "I, I can't do
this...not now. Please I just..."
He drew to his feet nervously licking his lips before continuing, "I...I have to go. I'm...I'm sorry. I just...can't...not, not tonight. Please may I be excused?"
Again
she noticed how he'd asked her for permission to leave. She sensed that he'd
had to request permission to do just about everything from his captor and if he
failed to do so he paid a heavy consequence. She only wished he'd confide in
her and talk to her, but he was so closed off. Momentarily she thought of
asking him why he insisted on seeking her permission to leave before thinking
better of it and choosing instead to answer, "Yes Daniel, you may."
"Thank
you...My Lord..."
She
jerked her head up as she caught the last two words she was certain he
whispered faintly, speaking his name abruptly as she
feared that he was being triggered. When he snapped his head up casting a
startled gaze her way she was certain he had been on he verge of falling into a
past memory. She waited for him to speak hoping he'd stay, sensing he wouldn't.
When he nodded before apologizing again then turning away she was certain he wouldn't
return. She watched him leave her office feeling as if he were slipping away
and wanting more than anything to call him back, but he had to come back on his
own. As she watched him walk away she sent a silent prayer into the heavens
that he would return, and she could help him defeat his inner demons. He needed
to find peace and find himself. He needed to heal and she knew that would be
impossible if he chose to journey the road alone.
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