Personal Sacrifice Part 23

By: Stacy L.

WHEN DARKNESS FALLS

Degrees of Shame: Humiliation, Degradation and Disgrace

Daniel snapped his eyes open staring wide-eyed around the room feeling a hand softly stroking his thigh. He clenched his eyes shut shouting a denial in his head: no, no it wasn't a dream! He was at home in bed with Jack not, not Osiris. NO! He swallowed hard hearing the raggedness of his own breathing filling the room around him and as his eyes began to focus he hoped, prayed that this was not the bed chamber on Bursiris or the bed chamber aboard Osiris' vessel... Oh please God no, don't do this to me! Don't tell me it was all a dream. Please I couldn't bear that if it were true. Please let this be Earth and let Jack O'Neill be the one resting beside me, touching me, pressing up against me... Please let his breath be bathing across my neck, his body warmth keeping me warm and his hand touching me soothingly please. Please don't let this be a dream. God, please I beg of you don't let my return have been a dream. PLEASE!

He opened his eyes and forced himself to focus on the one beside him feeling his breath escape as relief flooded him. Oh God, thank you. Thank you! Jack, it was Jack not...he was with Jack not... Thank you! He reached a shaky hand towards his lover afraid to touch him fearing he'd disappear again. He clenched his eyes shut trying to draw together enough courage to touch the one beside him. When he opened his eyes again he pressed a finger to that beautiful face smiling as his hand brushed feathery light across a roughened beginning of a five o'clock shadow. He lightly traced that face remembering how it felt to touch the one beside him and to be touched by him in return. As he continued to lightly trace Jack's face he became sad realizing that this was the first time he had actually touched Jack...actually touched him first and of his own volition. He felt his heart growing heavy in his chest as he realized how easy, how natural the simple act of touching had been before Osiris stormed into his life and very nearly destroyed him. He leaned forward pressing a tender kiss to the center of Jack's forehead hearing his soft moan and feeling his own eyes misting up as he whispered, "I'm sorry love...sorry you have such a fucked up person in place of your lover. God, I'm sorry, so damned...sorry."

He jerked his gaze away wiping haphazardly at his eyes before carefully easing out of bed not wanting to wake Jack and feeling like such a failure, such a sorry excuse for a man. He didn't deserve Jack, didn't deserve him at all, so why the hell did Jack keep holding onto him? Why didn't Jack just drop him for someone else? Someone better, someone more attractive, someone more caring and concerned, someone not so fucked up in the head? Why did he stay around? Why did he tolerate such a, such a...?

Daniel released a soft choked sob to the air hanging his head as he approached the window unaware that Jack was now awake and had felt those fingers trace his face, felt those lips brush so lightly across his forehead and heard those sorrowful words he spoke when he was certain they would not be heard.

Jack was prepared to remain still, to pretend he was asleep like he did nearly every night Daniel awoke screaming, begging and pleading for him to be real, for this to be real, for Osiris to stop touching him so damned much, for the pain to end... He listened as Daniel left their bed refusing to remain. Sometimes he'd hear Daniel rush into the bathroom and click on the shower. He never asked Daniel about his urges to shower in the middle of the night, but sometimes he'd slip in and watch him... Watch as the light displayed his lover's silhouette on the curtain, watch as that silhouette would begin washing, watch as Daniel would soon begin his vigorous scrubbing as his gut wrenching sobs occasionally rent the air. He would watch as Daniel hurled the washcloth against the shower wall dropping to the tub floor only to curl inward and rock while the water, the steaming water seared his flesh. Other times, other times he'd hear Daniel's soft footfalls on the stairs, hear the door open...sometimes the car would start, other times no sound could be heard, but as he gazed out the window it was always the same images that greeted him: Daniel walking away or Daniel driving away. No matter what that image contained whether it be a car or a man the fact remained that Daniel was running away, running away from the sanctuary of their home and running away from HIM. Nothing wounded him more deeply than seeing Daniel hurting so damned much and refusing to turn to him for comfort. No, Daniel rarely shared his pain and suffering instead he kept a tight lid on it, kept it bottled up so tightly, refusing to let anyone see through the cold hard exterior that Osiris helped him forge and build so damned strong. It was times like those that he hated that snake, hated how he forced Daniel to build such strong unbreakable walls around himself. It was times like those that he hated the snake, and he hated Daniel as well...hated him because he refused to lower those walls, even for him.

He watched Daniel now, wondering and waiting to see what the man's escape would be this night. He was rather surprised when Daniel merely approached the window, opened it and stared up at the moon. As Daniel's arms wrapped tightly around himself Jack felt a surge of anger so strong flood him. He hated that damned defense so much because Daniel always became so damned closed off when he did that and instead of turning to him he felt that he could only draw comfort from himself. Damn it Daniel, why won't you talk to me? Why won't you open up? Why won't you let me inside that shield of steel you've forged so effectively around yourself? WHY?

He felt the urge to go to Daniel fill him and ignored it. He wouldn't go to Daniel because Daniel didn't want him anymore. Daniel wouldn't trust him, wouldn't open up to him... Daniel had shut him out of his life, and he wasn't about to go over there and... But as another of those heart-wrenching sobs escaped Daniel's lips he cursed rising automatically prepared to attempt again to offer comfort to his now cold-hearted lover. Jack O'Neill you are such a damned fool! Stupid! How can you continue to let him do this shit to you? HOW? You're a damned fool! He shook his head to clear out those angry thoughts and slowly approached Daniel. He tensed when Daniel's head lifted and turned ever so slightly in his direction. Daniel had heard him. Daniel now knew that he was there, but he wasn't tensing up...yet.

Jack continued to make his approach slow feeling an overwhelming urge to touch his lover. He decided to try to be as uninvasive as possible as he leaned forward and gently propped his chin on Daniel's shoulder expecting the man to turn and snap at him in rage or jump in fear the moment he did so, but Daniel did neither instead he eased back against him. SHIT! What the hell?

As Daniel pressed into him he carefully entwined his arms around that slim, still too thin body, tugging him close not certain of just how far Daniel would allow him to go. When Daniel merely sighed in relief and dropped his head lazily back against his left shoulder wrapping his own arms over top of his Jack didn't know what to do. He was so shocked. Instead he simply held Daniel offering him the comfort he was now seeking. His anger melted away to be replaced by relief as Daniel allowed him to just...hold him close.

When Daniel seemed to tense in his arms Jack was certain that he was ready to pull away and unconsciously he tightened his hold not yet ready to yield it. NO! This is how they belonged! He wasn't letting go until he was ready to let Daniel go...and right now he was most definitely NOT ready! He tensed himself expecting Daniel to attempt to break the hold or curse him out, but his lover only seemed to relax and melt further in his arms. He didn't understand any of this. Daniel had been so standoffish lately and now all of a sudden...

"I...I dreamed of this..."

Shit, Daniel was speaking to him now? What the hell? He forced his anger and excitement back as he focused on listening to Daniel speak and holding him closely silently urging him to continue, to speak, to tell him something...anything. Please God anything!

As if God heard his silent plea Daniel's soft, quiet voice filled the room yet again, "Used to dream of you holding me... Fantasized a lot about you Jack...A LOT... But he...he knew. He always knew..."

Jack swallowed hard croaking out softly, "Knew what Danny?" and praying that he hadn't made a big mistake by asking the question. He waited for Daniel to continue fearing the man would retreat into silence yet again and relaxing only when that sweet, musical voice again caressed the air, "About you...about us...about how I feel about you... He hated it you know...hated that he always had to compete for my affection, my attention... Hated that his competitor wasn't even within his reach, hated his competition...hated it even more that you were millions of miles away, light years away and still you challenged him and held what he always wanted. He...he... Sometimes he tolerated it...tolerated you, but I don't... I don't know why. I guess he sensed I...I needed you..."

"And do you still...?"

"What?"

"Need me? Daniel, do you still need me?"

He could feel Daniel suddenly sag against him fearing the man had lost consciousness only realizing when Daniel released another sob to the air that the man was still very much alert. God, was his sorrow so great that he simply...collapsed against him? Ah Daniel what the hell did that bastard do to you to make you so sad, so upset and so angry? What the hell did he do to you, love?

Daniel's voice came to him sounding broken and defeated as he managed to croak out, "Do...do you still need me?"

"What?"

"Do you even want me anymore, Jack?"

Jack cursed feeling as if Daniel had just punched him in the gut with that question. Oh God, his heart hurt so badly now. Shit! How could...why would...? God, Daniel what the hell happened to you there?

He thought, hell he would've sworn, that he didn't ask that question aloud except that Daniel was suddenly fighting to be released from his hold. He growled out, "No, Daniel, no. You're not going to do this to me again. NO!"

Daniel froze when it became apparent that Jack wasn't letting him go. He choked back a desperate plea before he released it not wanting Jack to hear him beg not to be touched again. Instead he snapped out, "He hated you! Hated what we shared, hated it and wanted to destroy it, destroy us! But he knew, he knew what that would do to me. He knew, knew I'd die of a broken heart Jack... Died, I died up there Jack, died so many times...can't, can't... He hated you, but I still continued to dream of you, to talk to you, to speak with you, still yelled your name when...and he despised you for it, but he tolerated it. He wanted me to hate you, to forget you. Wanted me to let you go but...wanted me to give up my faith in you...wanted to...to... God, Jack I can't, I can't talk...can't talk about this anymore! No, too hard...NO!"

"Daniel..." but even as the name left his lips he already knew that he was too late to stop Daniel's obvious retreat and it hurt, God it hurt when the man wrenched himself out of his embrace and ran for the stairs. It hurt so damned much to see Daniel race out the front door and run down the street. It hurt so much and made him so fuckin' mad that he lashed out at the nearest object unaware of the glass that met its untimely demise against the far wall shattering into a thousand tiny pieces, just like his heart now was in response to Daniel's outright rejection of him. Fuck, fuck, FUCK! What the hell was he supposed to do now? How the hell could...? What was he supposed to do? Damn it, Daniel was pissing him off...again. Damn it Daniel, why can't you talk to me? Why the fuck can't you talk to me? He had tried he had but then... Instead of answering Daniel's desperate question he had demanded an answer to one of his own questions. No wonder Daniel ran. He was desperate and probably needed to hear the truth, needed to hear that yes he still wanted him, yes he still needed him, that God yes he still loved him and would never leave him, but what did he do? What did HE do? Asked a question, asked a fuckin' question of his own instead of giving Daniel an answer to a question he desperately needed to hear. What was happening to them? They were falling apart and yet...he still couldn't accept, couldn't believe that Daniel's time with Osiris was so bad. The man fuckin' responded, he fuckin' responded to that bastard! Hell, Daniel probably fucked that snake every night and probably enjoyed every goddamned minute of it! Son of a bitch! Is that why Daniel refused to talk to him because he didn't want him to know that he had enjoyed fucking Osiris?

Even now the images bombarded his thoughts. He could see it now: Daniel offering himself to the snake and drawing immense pleasure from his captor. Damn it, is that why he wouldn't talk to him because he had actually fallen in love with...? No, no if that were true then he wouldn't awake screaming, begging and pleading to be left alone. He wouldn't freeze up every time his lover attempted to touch him. No, Daniel didn't love Osiris, but he had probably drawn great pleasure from making out with it...

SHIT! He had to stop thinking like that, had to stop being so damned jealous of that goddamned snakehead! No, Daniel wouldn't have fallen in love with Osiris but Zeenan, Osiris' First Prime...that he could see, and he felt so intensely jealous. Did Daniel offer himself to the First Prime as well as his lord during his captivity? The way he had responded to Osiris...no fear, no shame, no nothing...pleasure, pure pleasure. He had responded, had enjoyed those touches... Damn it, Daniel had enjoyed having sex with the snake! DAMN!

He knew that he was being unfair towards Daniel and knew that Daniel would never fall in love with a Goa'uld lord. He'd never cheat... But then his mind would drum up those images of his love moaning and responding to Osiris, clearly enjoying every one of those strokes and kisses, and his jealousy made all kinds of nasty assumptions for him that made him just want to hurt Daniel and make him pay for...for what? Obeying under duress? Drawing pleasure in his enemy's touch? What? He didn't know. All he knew, all he felt, was an intense need to hurt the man and make him realize that he belonged ONLY to him and God how he hated himself for having such sinister thoughts, feeling such sinister urges and ill will towards his lover. He had to talk to Daniel again. He had to or he'd end up losing the love of his life forever, and he wasn't about to lose his Danny...FOR ANY REASON.

* * * *

He ran, ran so hard and so fast needing to place as much distance between himself and that man as he was able, needing time to regain his control, time to regain his focus, time to silence his chaotic thoughts... He ran until he couldn't run anymore, and once he could go no further he resorted to walking endlessly having no idea of where he was going only knowing that he needed to get away.

Daniel walked along the quiet streets with the full moon casting the only light about him. He wrapped his arms around himself realizing that he was now shivering... God, he was so cold, why? He should go back. He wasn't properly dressed. He really should go back, but he couldn't. Not yet, it was too soon...

He couldn't go back there yet, so he continued walking yelling at himself for again seeking the coward's way out. He'd tried to talk to Jack; he'd really tried but...but he just... He couldn't do it and Jack...Jack, oh God... He was so fucked up! He was so fucked up and so damned tired of everything. He thought that once he was home, once he was back with Jack that he'd be safe, that he'd be better...that he'd be normal again but now he knew otherwise. He wasn't normal. He was crazy. He had horrible nightmares that kept him awake all damned night. He couldn't focus. He always felt scared and nervous. He screamed when Jack touched him. He ran off in the middle of the night. He'd walk for hours just so he wouldn't have to fall asleep and become a prisoner of Osiris' all over again. He was afraid to sleep some nights, and he had the shortest temper. Hell, there were days when he felt like screaming at the top of his lungs and there were days when all he wanted to do was curl up and die. He was an emotional wreck though he refused to admit it to anyone, and he refused to tell Jack anything. God, how could Jack stand being in the same house with him? HOW?

He noticed that Jack's temper was now shorter, his patience thin, his frustration high. Jack was growing more and more distant by the day, and he had no idea how to stop the man he loved from slipping from his grasp. In fact, he often wondered if maybe he should just let Jack go. Walk away from him and never return. He was nothing but a burden to the man. A burden responsible for placing those frowns on his face, producing the hunch in his shoulders and creating the leeriness that Jack now felt around him. He was solely responsible for making Jack angry, upset and frustrated. He was doing Jack no good. All he was doing was making his life a living hell. He should let the man go. He should just break off the relationship and give Jack his freedom. It was unfair to keep him anchored to his side, but God how he needed the man there. How he felt so lost without him. How he panicked when he returned fearing that Jack would be gone. If Jack left him... If Jack left...he'd die. He couldn't lose him. He couldn't, but he also couldn't keep Jack with him when it was so unfair. He wouldn't chain Jack to his side the way Osiris had kept him tethered to his side. He couldn't trap Jack. It wouldn't be fair. Jack deserved so much more. He deserved to be happy, and he really needed to just let him go now. Let him go and disappear somewhere where nobody could ever find him, where he could remain "Fucked Up Jackson" and not cause his friends any further pain or harm. It was the only choice he had left, and when he returned home tonight he would tell Jack to go away, to leave him, to forget about him. He would leave Jack go, just as Osiris had let him go and though to do so would permanently shatter what remained of his fragile heart and soul he had no other choice. He'd do it anyway and maybe, just maybe, Jack would find happiness again...maybe they all could.

* * * * * *

As he exited the bathroom Daniel drew to a halt seeing Jack standing there just...watching him. It would be today. It had to be today. He had to let Jack go. He had to release Jack and allow him to leave and pursue happiness with another. He HAD to, but God he didn't want to lose him. He loved the man so much and to lose him would be to lose himself, but he had no other choice for he loved Jack enough to set him free, loved him enough to let him go and pursue happiness with someone else someone...normal.

As if Jack sensed what was about to happen he uttered his name so softly before approaching and casting a concerned gaze his way. All he could do was hang his head as he tried to keep the pain of releasing Jack from overwhelming him and driving him to his knees. God, Jack I love you so much. I love you so much but this just isn't right. It isn't fair that you have to put up with someone who is now a stranger. It's not fair Jack and though it breaks my heart and shatters my soul to release you, to let you go to spread your wings, I can no longer keep you tethered to me. I can't do that to you. You deserve someone so much better than me. You deserve someone who is normal and has no problems. You deserve to be happy Jack, and it's obvious to me that I'm no longer capable of doing that for you. Jack, please go. Don't make this harder on me than it already is. Please understand why I have to do this. Please love...

He closed his eyes swallowing hard as he prepared to tell his lover in the kindest, nicest way that it was now over between them. He didn't want to do it, but he had to. He had no other choice. If you love someone set them free...

As Jack reached out and gently lifted his chin up with his fingers he thought he would break down and cry. When Jack proceeded to cup his right cheek all he could do was turn his face into that hand and press a tender kiss to the palm. He heard Jack's sharp intake of breath and knew the gesture surprised him. Jack cleared his throat before uttering his name again. He kept his face hidden and turned away as he softly mumbled, "There's something I have to do Jack...something I have to tell you."

"Daniel..."

He turned towards Jack keeping his eyes downcast as he began, "I...I have something to tell you...something... I have to do something, something I should have done a long time ago..."

Jack tensed as he watched his lover stare at the floor, visibly shivering where he stood. He instantly stepped forward to enfold Daniel in his arms but the younger man gasped and instantly wrapped his arms protectively around his chest before saying, "No, no Jack. God, please just listen..."

He felt anger and rage fill him when Daniel rejected him. He wanted to scream at the man and tell him that he could trust him. God, why couldn't Daniel trust him? WHY? As Daniel spoke again his words made him freeze and made his heart ache for Daniel: "No Jack I don't deserve..."

He didn't deserve what...to be held, to be loved, to be comforted and to be cared for...what? Before he realized it he interrupted Daniel mid-sentence demanding in a voice gruffer and angrier than he had intended, "What Daniel? Don't deserve what? To be held by me, loved by me...what?"

He watched Daniel tighten his arms further around himself finding that seeing that protective response was beginning to irritate the hell out of him. Why couldn't the man just speak to him, just talk to him? Why did he always have to ignore the issues, dodge the questions and shy away from him? Why? Damn it, just how long has it been now and Daniel was still resorting to those same damned coping methods: shutting down, clamming up, placing a barrier around himself that was so goddamned high that no one could get past it...?

As the man sent a haunted uncertain gaze his way Jack could only curse. When he saw his lover flinch in response before taking a step backwards he found that he wanted to slap him, to slap some sense into him. Damn it, when would Daniel realize...? When would he...? Damn it, when would he confide in him? When would he open up and talk to him? When, damn it? God, when the fuck would he realize that he was safe here and that he was in no danger? WHEN? As his ire continued to build towards his lover he heartlessly snapped, "Why don't you just get over it, Daniel?"

Daniel stared at Jack for the longest time allowing a tense silence to stretch between them before asking, "Get over it? What kind of crap is that Jack?"

"Daniel, things can't be that bad..."

"Don't. DON'T SAY THAT AGAIN!"

"Why?"

"Because you don't know! You don't know anything!"

"Daniel, you have no need to be upset..."

"No need? NO NEED? You stand there and tell me to get over it? How long did it take you to get over your captivity, Jack? How long?"

"That was different Daniel."

"How?"

"How? Well, I was tortured for one..."

"And I what? I wasn't hurt? I was treated well because you didn't see any bruises on me? Let me tell you something, Jack. I had bruises, but I covered them up. I didn't want you to see them, didn't want you to ask where they came from..."

"Okay, but it's still not the same..."

Daniel felt his anger building even more, shaking his head in disbelief at how his lover was making his abduction out to be so unimportant. He focused on Jack as he continued, "Tell me something. How the hell can you stand there and say that to me? HOW?"

Jack stepped forward reaching for Daniel who automatically took a step backwards holding his hands up to ward off his lover and hissing, "Don't, don't touch me."

Jack threw his hands up in the air in frustration as he said, "What the hell are you so afraid of? I won't hurt you, damn it! You know that! Why do you pull away from me? WHY? Look I don't pretend to know what happened to you, but I saw how you responded to him, Daniel. There was no fear in your response, no flinching, no anger...you just allowed him to touch you and YOU RESPONDED!"

"Yes I responded! Doesn't that tell you anything, Jack? Does that sound like something I'd willingly do?"

"No, but you did. I saw you..."

"You saw me...so what? It pissed you off?"

"Daniel, why are you getting so defensive?"

"Oh so now I'm getting defensive?"

"Yes, you are."

"And that's a problem for you?"

"Yes..."

God, this was wrong, this was so WRONG! He was supposed to be releasing Jack from their relationship not yelling and cursing at him, but Jack's words hurt and stung and he found that he needed Jack to see, to understand why he was about to do something Jack probably wouldn't be able to comprehend. He tried to formulate the words, but he was so angry that he snapped at Jack instead of talking to him calmly like he needed to, like he had intended to..."Well too bad Jack! I have a fuckin' right to get defensive when my lover won't even take the time to understand what I went through and try to help me heal. What? Do you think I liked being a slave, Jack? Do you think I liked wearing a collar and being led around on a fuckin' dog chain?"

"There was no chain..."

"There was no...WHO GIVES A FUCK! That's not my point!"

"Then what is the point of this, Daniel? Fill me in because I'd really like to know."

"The point is...you don't think I was victimized. You don't want to believe that I was hurt. You expect me to be the way I was before all this shit happened, and you refuse to see the obvious indicators that I'm falling apart here... I need your support, Jack, not your cynicism. I need my lover back. The one who tells me we can make it through this together, the one who accepts that I'm different now and loves me anyway. The one who reassures me when I flinch or pull away and most importantly I need my lover to believe me and believe in me. If that's too much to ask then maybe we should stop seeing one another because I can't go on like this. I can't do this, Jack. I just can't do it anymore."

As Daniel uttered those final words Jack felt as if the floor opened up beneath his feet. Daniel was ready to give up on their relationship? Why? No. He wouldn't lose Danny. He couldn't!

"No."

"What?"

"No, Daniel, no. We can work through this. I know we can. We're just having a bad day. Please don't give up on us..."

"I don't want to lose you, Jack, but I need your understanding and your support."

Jack reached over and ignored Daniel's flinching as he wrapped his arms around the man and pulled him close. He could feel Daniel tensing instantly and could hear the fear in the man's breathing, the shaking in his body and the hesitancy with which he accepted the touch flow over him and fill him, but he didn't care. He wasn't releasing Daniel. He spoke softly, "And you have it, Danny. You have it."

Daniel didn't know how to react when Jack's arms wrapped around him. One part of him wanted to scream endlessly and to jerk away while the other part of him, the part buried so deeply begged and cried out for Jack to never stop holding him. He wasn't sure how to react to that part of him that wanted and needed this so much. He also became aware that he was actually allowing Jack beneath his shield just a little. He closed his eyes suddenly wanting Jack to take away all the bad memories and all the nightmares as he spoke the words so softly into the air, "Make love to me, Jack. Please. Make me forget, help me to forget...please Jack."

"Danny are you...? Daniel what if...?"

"Please Jack."

"Are you sure? Daniel, I don't want to rush you..."

"Yes..."

"Now?"

"Um, can I...can I bath first...then...?"

"Daniel, if you have any doubts or fears then don't do this."

"No, no...I want to do this just... I want to be clean for you. Please Jack."

"Oh...okay. If you can't do this just speak up."

"I...I will."

"Would you like some help?"

"No, no...I just...no."

"Okay then. I'll give you some time to bathe and then I'll come collect you."

"Thanks Jack."

He offered Jack a brilliant smile before easing out of the hug and heading towards the bathroom to bathe. He wanted to be clean for Jack. He wanted to be clean...he needed to be clean. He wouldn't feel comfortable until he was clean enough for his lover. He didn't want Jack to touch him when he was dirty. He was so glad that Jack seemed to understand innately just what he needed to do before making love with him.

He also knew that what he was doing was probably wrong, but he needed this so desperately. He didn't want to lose Jack, didn't want to let him go but... God, what should he do? He couldn't saddle Jack with a messed up, screwed up partner for the rest of his days. He just couldn't do that to him but maybe, maybe after today he would no longer feel the need to release Jack, maybe by making love with the man he could return to himself. He could become normal again. Maybe all he needed was to make love with Jack and feel Jack's loving touch to heal his tormented soul... Maybe this was what they both desperately needed.

As he entered the bathroom and started to run water into the bath he smiled feeling overly anxious and excited...Jack wanted to make love to him. Jack had agreed to make love with him. Jack still found him desirable. Thank God he did.

God, he needed this. He needed to feel Jack's tender hands caressing his body. He needed to feel those hands again familiarizing themselves with his skin. He needed to feel that possessiveness and that open exploration in those strong, perfect hands. He needed Jack to reclaim what was rightfully his, what had always been rightfully his. He needed Jack to reclaim him and to show him how much he loved him, how much he needed him. He desperately needed reassurance in that department because lately he had definitely been feeling less than desirable. He needed to feel cherished and loved, and he needed Jack to show him just how much he was loved.

When the tub was filled he lowered himself into the comforting warmth sighing in pleasure as the water worked its magic easing his tension and making him clean again for Jack. He felt giddy and excited. He felt like a damned schoolboy all over again. It had been so long since he was touched intimately by anyone other than Osiris, so very long. He hoped that by doing this he could forget. He wanted those memories of his times with Osiris to be replaced by new memories of Jack. He loved Jack so very much and wanted nothing more than to please him and make him happy.

Daniel smiled as he focused on washing his body and making himself clean for his lover, clean and desirable... Jack was waiting for him and he so desperately wanted to run to the man, but he wouldn't, not yet, not until he was clean. When he was clean then he would go to the one he loved more than life itself and maybe just maybe tonight he could take another step towards healing the shattered remains of one nearly broken man.

As he exited the bathtub and dried himself off he focused on combing his hair and making himself presentable. He quickly dressed feeling nervous about being naked in his lover's presence. Damn, his palms were sweating. Why the hell did he feel so anxious? He'd made love with Jack before. Jack had seen him naked before. Jack knew him intimately. Jack knew every little inch of his body, so why now did he feel nervous and shy as hell? Damn, he wasn't a besotted teenage virgin having sex for the first time in his life. He knew what to do. He was, in fact, quite educated in that area...much more educated than he had been a year ago. He knew how to have sex. He knew how to seduce. He knew how to make Jack climax. He knew what he was doing and Jack knew what the hell to do to him, so why was he feeling so, so...uncertain, scared, afraid, worried? Why? He could do this. He could, but as he headed towards the bathroom door he froze holding his hand suspended in the air hovering just above the doorknob and closed his eyes tightly as those doubts began to crowd into his mind. God, he loved Jack so very much but hated saddling the man with such a screwed up lover. He hated it and he would fix that problem, he would. He just had to get his damned ass in gear and stop hiding in the bathroom blushing like a goddamned virgin. SHIT! He would show Jack that he was back and that he was going to be just fine, but damn he was scared. What if this backfired? What if things went wrong? He shook his head dashing those thoughts and focusing on approaching his lover and showing him how much he truly loved the man who held his heart in his hands.

He slowly entered the room glancing around nervously searching for Jack not sure he wanted to even find Jack. As his gaze swept across his handsome lover standing so casually by the fireplace, a beautiful smile stretching from one ear to the other across that face, Daniel felt his breath hitch. He froze in place as his first instinct was to turn tail and run from the room as fast as his now wobbly legs would carry him. My God, he was fuckin' scared shitless! How the hell could he be so damned scared of Jack, of making love? Shit, whatever happened to the confident man that had once inhabited this body?

As Jack's honey-drenched voice filled his head with a sultry, "Hey," Daniel felt his mouth drying up and desire shoot through him. He could feel his dick harden automatically in response to the voice that he had craved to hear for so damned long. He tried to breathe aware that he wasn't being very successful and continued to stare as Jack chuckled softly before walking, aw hell it was more like sashaying, towards him. As Jack drew closer to him he could feel that heat in his belly shoot up another notch and when the man drew to a halt directly in front of him so close that he could smell his manly scent, could feel that familiar, comfortable heat coming off of that very sexy body he knew that he was lost. He returned that seductive smile with one of his own before breathlessly answering, "Hey."

His smile broadened further as Jack automatically wrapped his arms lazily about him drawing him in against that rock hard body. When Jack dipped his head to whisper, "Care to try a little of that horizontal mambo?" the only answer he could formulate was a very eager, "Oh yeah."

Jack's eyes lighted with a mix of mischief and desire making those brown eyes grow even darker as hunger and need captured him as well. Jack continued to focus that heated gaze on him as he brushed his lips ever so softly across his own before licking them as if to taste him and whispering, "Hmm then let's go."

As they entered the bedroom Daniel felt his heart rate increasing not sure of what to expect and feeling all giddy inside as Jack suggested they make love. They hadn't done so for a very long time, and he was very excited about it. Perhaps Jack would be able to effectively wipe away his guilt and shame at having willingly submitted to the Goa'uld lord for the sake of others.

As Jack leaned in to gently press a second kiss to his lips Daniel sighed tensing for the briefest of moments and releasing a silent plea to the air: please help me forget, Jack...help me to show you just how very much I love you. Please help me, my love, help me.

He parted his lips slightly as Jack deepened the kiss feeling relief as he responded to that kiss. Maybe...maybe Jack could do what he needed him to do, maybe...but as Jack slipped his tongue into his mouth and attempted to deepen the kiss further he found that his hopes were being quickly dashed, for he was trying so hard not to think of Osiris but, of course, the system lord refused to let him live in peace. He continued to respond to Jack but could feel himself automatically sliding into the robotic trance he had effectively created to shield himself from what Osiris had truly been doing to him every time they made love. He felt no love now only that thrumming, burning desire and it felt so wrong. With Jack he should feel love and comfort and safety, but he didn't know how to feel. Oh God, what if he couldn't put his heart into lovemaking any more? With Osiris he had tried very hard to treat the act of lovemaking as merely pleasure and raw sex. He allowed himself to get lost in the intense euphoria and heat that unbridled passion and desire could spark within him, but he had managed to successfully keep his heart safely locked behind a door where only Jack O'Neill resided.

As he continued to kiss Jack trying so hard to focus on him and forget Osiris he became very frustrated. When Jack stripped him carefully of his clothes then preceded to kiss him again he moaned thrusting his hips against him wanting to feel that love and warmth that always came from his lovemaking, but it was mysteriously absent. He had to stop. He couldn't do this. He spoke softly, "Jack..."

"Yes, love?"

"I...I can't...I can't do this...I'm sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry...I just...can't..."

"Sure you can, Daniel, you're responding to me..."

He closed his eyes feeling the sadness overwhelming him as he continued, "That's the problem, Jack. I'm responding to you...only reacting to your stimulation. Jack...oh God, how can I explain this to you...? I want to make love to you. I desperately want to, but I'm having some difficulty here. Please Jack..."

"You're doing great, lover. You just need to relax..."

Jack started to plant kisses across Daniel's throat and face. He moaned enjoying the raw pleasure of Jack's stimulation, but that was all that was present: desire, passion, yearning...but no love. Oh God, he loved Jack so much, so very much but he couldn't unlock his heart. He had spent too long shielding it so that Osiris wouldn't own him completely. He tried again, "Jack stop. I can't..."

"Yes you can."

"No...I can't do this...please."

"Daniel, relax..."

"NO!" Daniel jerked away from the older man not sure of why he did so only knowing that he needed to break the contact and to stop Jack now, for his heart still wasn't involved. Oh God, he felt numb! Oh he felt desire and need...he felt heat and passion but no other emotions. He felt...numb. He wanted to cry, to scream and to shout out in rage. How the hell could this be happening while he was with Jack? HOW?

Jack stared at Daniel for the longest time shocked that the man actually asked him to stop. What the hell was wrong with Daniel now? The man was responding. Hell, the man was on fire, yet he was telling him that he couldn't do this? Bullshit! Again Daniel's voice flowed over him as he said he couldn't do it, not like this. Jack felt anger and rage fill him. Images of Osiris and Daniel suddenly flitted through his mind: Daniel moaning at a simple touch from that snake, Daniel responding so passionately to one simple kiss... How the hell could Daniel be telling HIM no? He had given himself to Osiris so many times, so how the hell could he be saying no to him? He became extremely jealous of Daniel's time spent with the Goa'uld lord as he again refused. His rage increased as those images continued to torment him by flying through his mind and bombarding him. Okay, so maybe Daniel enjoyed the damned snake so much that he could no longer give his love to him. Son of a bitch! Jack continued to caress him running his hands over his body noticing how Daniel arched up in response and moaned in intense pleasure. How the hell could he be asking him to stop when he was responding so openly? As he reached down to wrap his hand around Daniel's erection his lover cried out yelling, "NO JACK! PLEASE! NOT LIKE THIS!"

Jack paused in surprise not expecting Daniel to yell. He focused on keeping his voice calm and his temper at bay as he questioned, "Not like what?"

"I don't want to..."

"Don't want to what? What the hell is your problem, Daniel?"

Daniel swallowed hard clenching his eyes tightly shut as he felt completely helpless. Oh God, he was numb! He was responding to Jack, but there was no love. He didn't want to make love to Jack just for raw sex, just for pleasure...he wanted to love Jack with his body and soul while they made passionate love all night. He was crushed at the realization that he couldn't open up his heart. God, he was with Jack. Jack was touching him, caressing him and loving him not Osiris! JACK! But his protests were useless, he couldn't find his way beyond the numbness so he pleaded with his lover again, "Jack, please, I need you to stop...please. God, I'm so sorry, so sorry love, but I can't do this. Please stop..."

Jack spoke up in agitation, "Stop? STOP? NO! You didn't tell Osiris to stop when he was touching you like this, so why the hell should I stop? No! Daniel, you're doing fine you just need to relax..."

"NO...please, Jack. You don't understand. I can't...I can't make love to you...not like this. It's wrong...wrong, Jack...please, you have to understand what I'm saying to you..."

Feeling his anger begin to surmount Jack's voice took on a darker tone as he questioned, "I have to understand?" before pausing to try and temper down his anger, barely maintaining control as he heartlessly snapped, "Oh I understand all right. I understand how you flaunted yourself at that damned snake! I understand how you responded so openly to his touches and his caresses, yet you can't do the same with me? Why the hell not, Daniel?"

Daniel tensed, nervously licking his lips, understanding Jack's anger but knowing he had to stop. He wasn't ready, so he tried to further explain his answer, "Jack, Jack, you don't understand. Please, you have to understand. You have to! I can't do this, Jack. I can't..."

"WHY NOT?"

"I just can't Jack. It's wrong. It's...this isn't right. It's...please just stop!"

Jack glared at his lover feeling a mix of emotions choking him. He was angry with Daniel for refusing, sad that Daniel still couldn't surrender to him, anxious that Daniel sounded panicked, and frustrated that he was again pulling away. The emotions were churning so furiously within that Jack again snapped at Daniel demanding, "WHY? TELL ME WHY!"

Daniel didn't know how to even begin to explain to Jack why he knew that this wasn't right. He still felt so numb, so separated from his body. He could feel Jack touching him and stroking him, and it felt wonderful. Those hands felt so amazing against his skin. He was burning for Jack, but it was only raw passion that he was feeling. His heart was still locked up safe and secure. He couldn't free his heart. He wanted Jack, burned for him...he needed him desperately, but not like this. He didn't want their lovemaking to be hollow. He wanted to feel all those glorious emotions, but most of all he wanted to feel loved and cherished and he wanted to share that same love with Jack, but he just couldn't do it. He tried desperately to block the images of Osiris out of his mind. He needed to focus on Jack.

When Jack started to slowly pump his erection Daniel bucked in reaction releasing a low throaty groan of pleasure but still felt nothing else. It was as if he were watching himself on a television screen performing sex for pure entertainment. There was no emotion involved. It was as if he were detached from his body. He knew damned well his defense mechanisms were in full gear. He was still shielding his heart, hiding it from the injustices being done to his body. He was separating himself and allowing raw, primal instinct to take over burying his true self and his true feelings so far inside that no one could touch him or tarnish him. He had convinced himself so thoroughly that what he had with Osiris was simply raw sex because he hadn't wanted to admit to himself what was truly occurring. He hadn't wanted to know that what Osiris was really doing to him was raping him over and over and over again. Osiris had not only raped his body, but had raped his soul. Rape was a word he didn't want to even think of, but the stark truth was that Osiris had forced him into sexual relations by holding millions of lives over his head to get his compliance. He had said no repeatedly, but Osiris forced him to consent. Osiris had raped him at least a hundred times over the last year. NO! GOD NO! It couldn't be true! It was just sex! Just sex and nothing else! Pure sex and pure pleasure! He found it very difficult to convince himself of that right now and as he felt Jack's hand continue to pump him and felt his body responding like a robot he shuddered. He didn't want this! He didn't want his relationship with Jack to be anything like his relationship with Osiris. He cried out in rage yelling, "NO! NO! STOP! I SAID NO! I DON'T WANT THIS!"

Jack's voice crooned in his ear as he whispered, "Shh, yes you do, Daniel. You need this release..."

"NO!" At that moment he snapped and started fighting Jack, trying to buck him off. All he wanted was for Jack to stop! This wasn't right! He couldn't make love to Jack like this! He couldn't! He didn't want to be numb any more! He begged and pleaded, "Please, Jack, please...don't do this to me. Please! Stop! OH GOD, JUST STOP!"

Anger burned and lanced through Jack like white-hot lightening making him again snap at his lover, "WHY? TELL ME WHY!"

"I'm not ready, Jack...not ready. It's too soon. Please...it's too soon. This doesn't feel right. It feels so wrong, Jack, so very wrong! I can't...I just can't do this...not now...it's too soon. Please, you have got to understand me. STOP TOUCHING ME!"

Rage filled him and ate away at him. Daniel was still telling him to stop. He not only was telling he was fighting. Daniel was fighting him! What the hell was going on? Why the hell would Daniel throw himself at Osiris' feet yet fight him and order him to stop touching him? The fury burned within as he watched Daniel continue to resist him trying desperately to get away, and something just snapped inside allowing pure jealousy and rage to flood him. He'd be damned if he'd allow Daniel to deny him after he so openly responded to that goddamned snake! He'd be damned if he'd stop! Damn it, he would make Daniel forget that fuckin' snake! He would wipe his mind clean of the passion...the love they had shared for so long. Daniel was his! His damn it, and no goddamned snake would steal him away!

As Daniel pleaded with him to stop again, this time attempting to shove him off, Jack lashed out and without thinking brought an open hand across the left side of Daniel's face. The slap was so loud that it echoed throughout the room the sound breaking only to be replaced by Daniel's sudden scream of pain and terror, but hearing that scream still didn't get through to Jack, for he could only see images of Daniel making love to that fuckin' Goa'uld snake. Son of a bitch!

Daniel's confusion quickly grew into all out panic as Jack refused to let him go. Jack wasn't listening to him, and he felt his heart plummet at the realization that Jack was probably going to rape him just like Osiris had for so long, only this rape would be forever engrained in his mind. Oh God, how could Jack even consider attacking him? How? He pleaded again and shoved Jack violently trying to push the man off of him, aware that Jack was no longer in his right mind. When Jack suddenly lashed out at him bringing an open hand across his face so hard that his head snapped to the right and he started seeing flashes of light Daniel couldn't move. His body only grew number as shock began to set in. Jack had struck him. He had actually slapped him across the face with an open hand...hard. OH GOD NO! It couldn't be true! IT COULDN'T! Jack would never hurt him! NEVER! Please let that only have been in his mind! PLEASE! As he felt the burning reminder of what Jack had just done to him he realized that Jack had actually struck him in violence. He reached up to press his hand gently to his now red swollen cheek and felt the beginning of tears as they threatened to spill over, dampening his eyelashes. He didn't know what to do. He felt confused, angry, ashamed, humiliated...he felt deadened somehow. The numbness was encompassing him now, attempting to shield him and offering him some form of solace.

Daniel yelped as he felt brutal hands suddenly digging into his hips and attempted to curl in on himself. He was stopped as those brutal hands grabbed him and pinned him to the bed. He heard Jack yelling at him saying horrible things to him that made him feel dirty, used, ashamed and guilty. The words came out crystal clear as Jack yelled in his face, "How could you do this to me! HOW? How could you flaunt yourself in front of that damned snake? How could you so openly respond to that snake yet deny me? HOW? HOW COULD YOU?"

Daniel was hurt and shocked at his lover's unpredictable behavior. He didn't understand why Jack had hurt him and snapped at him. He tried to deny it was happening sensing that Jack was very dangerous at the moment and again tried to reach him saying, "Jack...Jack, please don't do this to me...Please...oh God...please stop..." but Jack wasn't listening and to Daniel's horror another open hand came across his face chalked full of rage and violence snapping his head to the left. The tears started then as the shock continued to fill him at the realization that his lover had just struck him out of anger and rage. He held most of them at bay allowing only a few tears to slip passed his eyelids and fall down over his cheeks. His lip was now split open and bleeding, along with his nose. He tried to fight off his attacker trying to forget that Jack was the one who was hurting him so severely. Daniel cringed feeling shame and humiliation wash over him as Jack's next words came out full of rage and directed towards him only to hurt him, "I'll tell you how! Because you're a whore! A FUCKIN' WHORE! You gave yourself to that damned snake how many times? You allowed him to touch you, to satisfy you and you enjoyed every fuckin' minute of it! Only a fuckin' dirty whore would willingly give himself to the damned enemy! You're a goddamned cock tease! Tell me was it good? Was he good? Did he make you cry out in ecstasy? Did he fuck you to orgasm, slut? Did you beg him to fuck you? Did you enjoy being his bitch? TELL ME!"

Daniel felt the words slice through him, plunging into his soul, tearing him open and wounding him deeper than any knife ever could. As Jack continued to toss venomous words and comments his way Daniel felt as if his soul were being stripped and filleted raw. Those vile words said in anger and rage nearly destroyed him making him feel like filthy, cheap trash. The humiliation and degradation of what Osiris had forced him to endure filled him and he nearly crumpled under the cruel, harsh onslaught. He felt so ashamed, so used, so cheap, so filthy, so pathetic...the humiliation and degradation were now complete as his lover, the man he gave all of his love to told him just how sick and disgusted he now made him. Oh God, he had been right. Jack couldn't even stand to look at him anymore. He was repulsed and disgusted with him. He swallowed hard as his heart began to ache so much that he swore it was now being broken in two. If Jack couldn't love him, couldn't stand the sight of him then he truly must be repulsive and pathetic. Oh God no! He was ruined. He was used property now. A cheap and easy lay according to Jack...OH GOD NO!

Daniel again attempted to curl in on himself as he could feel the tears falling, running down over his cheeks, but Jack wasn't going to allow him to completely withdraw into himself and to fall into the remaining solace he had. No, Jack was still holding him, pinning him to the bed. He could feel Jack's fingers digging mercilessly into his arms pressing painfully against the bone as his anger continued to build. Daniel was crushed, completely crushed by the cruel things his lover said to him. He felt emotionally and physically numb. He could feel himself shutting down completely and fought against it trying to speak to Jack, trying to make Jack understand, to make him see. He had to at least try to make another attempt at getting through to the man he loved unconditionally, the man he had locked his heart away for while Osiris had exposed him to such atrocities because if he lost Jack completely...if he lost Jack... His voice came out shaky as he struggled to speak loudly and clearly, "Jack...God, Jack how could you think...? How could you...? I never wanted it! I never wanted him...NEVER!"

Jack's response was a sneer as he snapped, "Sure you did. You obviously couldn't get enough of that fuckin' Goa'uld. I hope you're proud of yourself! You can fuck a goddamned snake, yet you can't give yourself to your lover? BULLSHIT! Show me how good a fuck you can be, love! Show me how passionate and horny you can be! Come on show me you fuckin' whore! SHOW ME!"

Daniel felt a shudder travel the length of his body as Jack continued to speak to him as if he were worthless. He made another attempt at getting through to his lover sensing that no matter what he said or did Jack wouldn't listen, Jack no longer cared, but he had to try. He had to! He again tried to make Jack see, to make Jack understand why he denied him pleading for understanding, "Please, you don't understand! I can't! I love you but I can't, can't make... I can't...NOT WITHOUT LOVE! I need to feel alive, Jack! I need your love! I need to be able to love you back. JACK! God, you don't..."

"SHUT UP! SAVE YOUR DAMNED EXCUSES AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Daniel cringed feeling his fear only building as hands, vicious brutal hands, gripped his hips digging into flesh pressing against bone. In a matter of only a few scant seconds he found himself effectively flipped over and dumped onto his stomach. He screamed in rage and denial as he felt those hands reposition themselves between his thighs digging into flesh as his legs were yanked viciously apart. He screamed and fought, but his screams were drowned out as Jack continued to yell at him and tell him how he would wipe thoughts of Osiris from his mind. He would make him forget all about Osiris. He would make Daniel forget the love and excitement he drew from Osiris. Daniel cried out yelling, "For God sake Jack please! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I didn't love him! I could never love anyone but you! Jack, please! You have got to hear me! PLEASE!"

His attempt at breaking through Jack's rage ended in another scream of sheer agony as Jack savagely rammed his finger into his anus several times. Daniel struggled and squirmed, tears now flowing down over his cheeks unbidden. Each time Jack poked him with a finger sheer pain answered the assault. He desperately swung backwards cracking Jack across the side of the head before the older man gained the upper hand grabbing each of his wrists and scooping them together tightly. He then forced Daniel's arms above his head and cruelly pinned them to the bed. Daniel's panic only increased as he writhed and bucked yanking against the physical restraint while still attempting to plead and beg Jack to stop hurting him so badly. As his attempts continued to meet with failure he started hyperventilating certain that he'd soon pass out and positive that at any moment Jack would rape him with more than just his finger. He tried to brace himself for the horrendous assault he was sure would soon follow when Jack abruptly stopped what he was doing. It was as if he had suddenly realized what he was doing and his body seized up on him. He clenched his eyes tightly shut terrified of what Jack would do when he heard a pained cry of disbelief before the man spoke, "OH GOD! OH GOD NO! What the hell am I doing? Oh God, Daniel! DANIEL..."

As Jack had prepared to rape Daniel he suddenly froze as reality started to encroach his vision. He felt frozen and unable to move. All he could do was stare down at his young lover lying on his stomach burying his face in the pillow. It took him only a moment to realize that Daniel lay before him and only another minute for him to realize that Daniel was cowering in fear...from him. What the hell had he been thinking? What the hell was he preparing to do to Daniel? Oh God...rape...no, NO! He felt so sick and so ill as he realized that he had been about to rape Daniel. He could see the red marks even now standing out sharply against his lover's paler skin. The marks covered his hips and thighs, and there were even scratches on his back. HOLY SHIT! What the hell had he been thinking? What the hell had possessed him to...? As he realized what he'd almost done to Daniel he crumpled crying out his denial and staring at the man he loved with all his heart...the man he had so nearly destroyed. He reached a shaky hand towards his lover cringing when Daniel shrieked in terror, "DON'T TOUCH ME! OH GOD, JACK, NO!"

He dropped his hand only able to stare as Daniel realized that he was suddenly free and shakily sat up. He darted his gaze around the room spotting his clothes at the foot of the bed. He grabbed them up pulling them against him tightly as if they were capable of shielding him. As Daniel focused terrified eyes on him Jack felt his heart nearly stop and gasped as he noticed the fear Daniel now directed his way. Along with that fear he saw humiliation and disbelief in those vivid blue eyes. He cried out again as his heart broke upon seeing Daniel beginning to shake violently. Oh God, shock...he was in shock. Jack felt tears falling unbidden as he watched his lover shaking violently before him. He was trembling in fear and terror. God, the pain and anguish he saw in those eyes, the shame, the humiliation...oh God the guilt... Daniel looked devastated. He looked crushed, destroyed and it was all his fault. Oh God, what if he had succeeded in destroying Daniel's fragile soul with his harsh words and uncontrolled rage? OH GOD NO! He swallowed hard as he noticed the tear and blood streaks on Daniel's face before the man jumped to his feet and darted past him.

Daniel stopped at the door quickly yanking on his pants and turning to flee the room. As he reached for the knob Jack panicked and lounged at him. He grabbed Daniel and shoved him against the wall cringing as the man shrieked in terror and fear immediately becoming submissive and meek in his arms. Seeing Daniel freeze as if he were now numb the instant he touched him cut Jack like a knife. It was as if Daniel had just slipped into a trance-like state of compliance. It was as if he just shut down completely, as if he were trapped and unable to fight any longer. Seeing his lover so meek and submissive reminded him of how Daniel had stood beside Osiris on the day of their capture. He had stood there as if he were a robot just going through the motions, and the only time he came alive was when Osiris had touched him and when he, himself, had spoken. Seeing Daniel so subservient had struck him hard that day, for now he knew his lover had been anything but subservient.

Jack shook his head trying to block those memories that were crashing into his mind and focused on Daniel. He tried to plead saying, "Daniel, God, Daniel...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't...I don't know what...God, Daniel..."

"Leave me go...please leave me go!"

"No! Daniel, please stay so we can fix this! Please! Please, Daniel. Don't leave. Don't leave me. PLEASE!"

Daniel felt the fear and shock threatening to choke him and without thought lashed out at Jack pushing him as hard as he was able. When he realized that Jack was no longer barring his escape he darted out the door and down the stairs not sure of what he was doing or where he was going, all he knew was that he needed to leave as quickly as he was able. He tore out the door racing to his car. He yanked the door open then jumped inside starting the engine before tearing out the driveway and not daring to look back at the place he had come to call his home. As he drove down the road, not sure of where he was going, the tears started to fall heavier running in sheets down over his cheeks soaking him and making it nearly impossible for him to see just where the hell he was going. He carelessly wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand several times so that he could see but the tears refused to abate, so he simply drove until he couldn't drive anymore. He spotted a house and recognized it recalling that it was a safe haven. Without thought he jerked the steering wheel to the left pulling his car into the drive then exited his vehicle. He was still so shocked and disoriented that he left the keys in the ignition and the car door hanging wide open. All he knew was that he needed to get to that door and get inside. Inside he would feel safe, and he could relax. He could. He approached the door nearly collapsing as he resorted to pounding his fist against the door as hard and as loud as he possibly could. He was determined to draw out the inhabitant. As the door opened beneath his onslaught he heard a gasp as a feminine voice spoke, "Daniel, oh my God, Daniel...what happened? Come in. Come in."

Arms, warm and comforting wrapped around his still shaking body and he felt himself being guided inside. He felt numb and still disoriented. He was certain that he was leaning heavily against her and that she would probably stumble and fall. He knew that he was too heavy and knew that he should try to stand on his own, but he just couldn't. Her sweet voice spoke soothingly to him as he was guided onto a couch. He couldn't speak or even look up. Hell, he couldn't even remember just who the hell was with him. All he knew for certain was that she was somebody he trusted, somebody he could rely on, somebody who could keep him safe and somebody who could help him. He sighed in relief beginning to slowly relax as a warm comforter suddenly found his still shivering shoulders and enveloped him. He closed his eyes as she gently tugged the loose ends of the blanket around his still shuddering frame before pressing a tender hand to his forehead saying, "You just sit here for a moment, Daniel. I'll be right back okay..."

As she stepped away he instantly reached out for her finding her wrist he wrapped his hand around it nearly panicking when he was certain that she was leaving him. NO! God no, he didn't want to be alone right now. He didn't want her to leave him too. He was afraid to be alone and put voice to that fear, "No, no...please don't leave me. I'm afraid...please...I don't...I don't want to be alone...please..."

Her calm, reassuring voice came back to him, "I won't leave you, Daniel. I'm just going to get my phone and call Janet okay? Okay? I'll be right over here. I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"

He nodded his head slightly releasing his hold on her wrist and attempted to fold himself into a fetal position on the couch. He could hear her on the phone talking in hushed, worried tones telling Janet to come over quickly and to bring her medical bag. She then hung up and approached him sitting beside him. She reached over and pulled his left hand into both of her hands as she quietly asked, "Daniel, can you tell me what happened to you?"

"Sam..."

Sam, that was her name...Sam...oh God reality was beginning to come back to him. He was beginning to return to himself again. He looked up at her whispering, "It was...I...He... I tried to tell him, Sam...tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen...refused to hear..."

"Tried to tell him what, Daniel?"

"I tried to explain, but he...he just went crazy. I tried...Sam, I really tried but he...he wouldn't hear me. God, I was so scared Sam. I don't like to be scared. I'm tired, tired of it all...too much pain...why does everyone have to...hurt me...?"

Sam hushed him as she pulled him gently into her arms and started to rock him back and forth. She spoke softly, "Shh, you're all right now. You're safe. You can relax."

The tears continued to flow and his throat began to tighten up as he tried to resist letting them come. He struggled to speak between broken sobs and gasps, "Relax? He...he, oh God, Sam he actually...he struck me, slapped me several times...then he...he... I don't understand. I tried to make him see, make him understand that I wasn't ready...tried to tell him why...why I...why Osiris did those...things to me...why I responded so...so...to Osiris but not to him...love, Sam...I needed to unlock...unlock my heart. I, I hid it away Sam...hid it so Osiris couldn't have me...couldn't have all of me... My heart...saved it for him...saved my love...for...for Jack, but he...he couldn't... He didn't... He hurt me, Sam...called me...horrid...horrible things...Sam...Jack he..."

"Shh, shh...it's all right, Daniel you don't have to tell me this now. You can relax. It's okay."

She pulled him tighter against her noticing that the shivers still wracked his body. She was very upset by what Daniel just told her. Jack...Jack had been the one to hurt Daniel like this. Jack must have attacked Daniel. God...why? Why would he do that?

Daniel whispered barely audibly as he continued, “He...he...called...Jack called me a...a whore Sam...said I was a...a...then he asked me if I enjoyed it...if...if Osiris...if he made me cry out in ecstasy...told me I was a...a whore...and that I willingly had sex with the enemy... Called me a...a...a bitch...a...a dirty... Said...said that...that...couldn't get enough of...of the...snake...cock tease, he said I was... God, Sam you have to understand. I had no choice. NO CHOICE! He threatened to destroy...to destroy worlds if I refused to...to openly respond to him...if I refused to allow him to bed me... If I refused to respond with...with desire...passion...if I rejected his caresses, his touches...his kisses...he would...he said he would destroy an entire world. I knew that he would. He did it before...Alandria...blew it up because he knew how much it would hur...hurt me...knew I'd willingly come to his bed just to prevent that same fate from happening to...other heavily populated worlds... Couldn't... I had no choice but to, to accept his touch. No choice but to willingly give up my body to him...he...he didn't get my heart...no...locked it away...away for Jack...only for Jack...but Jack...doesn't...he doesn't love me anymore, can't stand to look at me, thinks I'm a whore...thinks I loved Osiris...I, I didn't, never...only, only loved Jack...always Jack but now... He can't stand the sight of me, Sam...can't...make him sick...disgust...I...I disgust him...doesn't...doesn't love...love me anymore...Sam...he... Kept my heart safe...for, for Jack...love Jack...on...only Jack but he...he... Not anymore, not...no love...I...I'm ruined...disgusting...I...I repulse...him...he...he...doesn't want...doesn't love me anymore...lost him...lost Jack...he...he..."

Daniel's ramblings fell silent as he started to cry harder. Sam continued to rock him and hold him tightly shocked at the things Daniel had just revealed to her and knowing that he had suffered sheer hell at Osiris' hands. Jack thought Daniel had loved Osiris, but how could one love their rapist? Jack probably didn't even realize that Osiris had raped his lover over and over again using threats to coerce Daniel's cooperation, using destruction to lure Daniel into his bed and to force him to respond always. She shivered as she recalled the day they were captured by Osiris. She had been shocked when Osiris ran his fingers through Daniel's hair and Daniel had moaned in pleasure. She had been horrified when Osiris kissed Daniel and he returned the kiss. It had almost been as if Daniel had been somehow programmed or brainwashed into open compliance to the Goa'uld lord. Now she understood exactly how Osiris had trained Daniel to respond so openly to his caresses and touches: he had threatened to destroy worlds if Daniel refused to act pleased and satisfied by his "lord."

She lifted her head as a knock sounded on the door and called, "Come in, Janet. It's open."

Janet entered asking, "Where's Daniel...?"

She stopped as she saw him on the couch with Sam. Sam was holding him and gently rocking him. Daniel was clinging to her as if she were a lifeline. He was shaking and obviously crying. She felt her heart aching for her friend's suffering. God, first he had suffered hell at the hands of Osiris and now this. She approached before quietly asking, "Has he talked?"

"Yes..."

"Did he tell you what happened?"

"Yes. Apparently, from what I understood...Jack and he were engaged in foreplay...when Daniel panicked...told Jack to stop and..."

"He didn't?"

Sam only nodded her head. She then continued, "Janet, he... The Colonel... Daniel said that he told Jack he couldn't make love to him, that he told Jack no but...the Colonel obviously didn't accept Daniel's refusal. Daniel said that he couldn't...he couldn't, he told Jack that he wasn't ready, that it was too soon. He said that the Colonel...hurt him and called him a...whore, among other things. He accused him of enjoying what Osiris did to him. He's pretty shaken up, Janet."

She swallowed hard before nodding and lowering before Daniel gently prompting, "Daniel...Daniel, it's me. It's Janet. I need you to come with me, Daniel. I need to examine you and check you for injuries. Daniel, will you come with me? Please, Daniel."

He remained silent for several long minutes before nodding his head slightly and looking at Janet. Janet felt her heart breaking as she saw how puffy his eyes now were. He had obviously been crying a lot. She could read very strong emotions in those eyes: anger, rage, confusion, frustration but the most noticeable was the shame, the guilt and the humiliation. She could see his self-loathing...Daniel was ashamed of himself. He probably felt used, betrayed, dirty and afraid. It hurt her to see how much he despised himself at the moment. What the hell had Jack been thinking? What the hell had he done to Daniel? What the hell had he said? She had told him to expect this, to expect that Daniel might not be able to perform so soon after such a lengthy abduction, but obviously her words of warning had fallen on deaf ears for if Jack had listened to her warnings then Daniel wouldn't be here right now.

She reached up to gently cup his cheek noticing his split open lip and bloody nose before asking softly, "Did he do this to you? Did he hit you, Daniel?"

Daniel continued to look at Janet not responding. She asked again softer this time, "Daniel, did Jack hit you?"

Daniel lowered his head instantly before nodding his head slightly. Yes, Jack had struck him. Jack had struck him several times very hard from the looks of the obvious swelling and bruising already rising on his face paired with his bloody nose and split lip. Those marks were evidence of very uncontrolled strikes, strikes full of anger and rage, strikes meant to hurt Daniel immensely. She continued, "Okay...what else did he do to you, Daniel? Did he try to...to penetrate...?"

Again the slight nod of his head told her the answer she was seeking. She calmed her voice further as she continued, "Did he succeed?"

Daniel clenched his eyes tightly shut as a new wave of tears rushed down his face as he recalled Jack ramming his finger in him several times before he managed to break free. Daniel spoke softly, "With...with his...his finger...several times...didn't...just..."

"Okay. Okay, Daniel. I'm going to need you to get undressed so I can examine you for any other injuries. Sam, can we use your bathroom? I'm sure Daniel will want to shower after I'm done."

"Sure. He can stay here tonight as well. I don't mind the company."

She nodded before returning her gaze to Daniel and gently inquiring, "Would you like to go upstairs and bath, Daniel?"

Another nod answered the question. She smiled warmly as she said, "Okay, let's go. Can you...?"

She was going to ask if he could make it up the stairs on his own, but as he shakily drew to his feet she immediately braced his back with her arm to help him. The instant she wrapped her arm around him she could feel the shivers that were wracking his body. Daniel was still in shock over what had happened to him. He looked exhausted, frightened and very anxious. It didn't slip her notice just how heavily Daniel was leaning on her for support. She looked at him again before helping him into Sam's bedroom.

Once inside she guided him onto the bed urging him to sit before saying, "I know how hard this will be for you, Daniel, but I have to examine you. I have to examine you internally as well. I need to see if he...if you were...injured by the penetration. We'll start with the normal physical first. Okay?"

Daniel only nodded casting his eyes downward. She continued, "I need you to undress for me. Can you do that for me?"

Again she received only a slight nod of his head. She softened her voice further as she asked, "Can you undress yourself or do you need some help?"

Daniel merely looked at her before slowly pulling his T-shirt off then undoing his jeans and pushing them down over his legs. He sat quietly as Janet carefully examined him, not liking what she was seeing. It was very obvious that Daniel had been attacked physically. He had deep bruising already forming on his buttocks and inner thighs, as well as his hips. There was also bruising on each of his wrists and his upper arms. Along with the deep bruising she also found several scratches across his back and on his inner thighs where Jack had obviously been so brutal that his nails scratched open the tender flesh. She was very worried for Daniel knowing just how deeply in love he was with Jack and knowing just how deeply their trust ran. She also was very afraid because he was still recovering from his imprisonment with Osiris.

As she looked up at him again to see how he was doing she felt sad, for she no longer saw trust in Daniel's eyes. She only saw weariness, shame, guilt and confusion. He was having a hard time dealing with what Jack had tried to do to him. It would take him a long time to get over the attack. Someone he deeply loved had viciously attacked him. The man he gave his love to, a man who was supposed to protect him and care for him, had attacked him. Jack should have been protecting Daniel and helping him heal from what Osiris had put him through, but instead of being supportive he had turned around and hurt Daniel more than Osiris ever could have. He had not only violated Daniel's body, he had violated Daniel's trust. Daniel had trusted Jack totally and completely, and now that this had happened... He had unselfishly given Jack his complete love and trust only to have it thrown back in his face and stripped from him all in the span of a few minutes when Jack's rage had taken hold and his anger had made him lash out at the one man who loved him unselfishly. God, Jack O'Neill was such a fool.

When she finished with her exam of Daniel's body she urged him to roll onto his side and pull his knees up towards his chest. She explained to him what she was doing as she pulled on plastic gloves before carefully examining his anus. She could tell that even though Daniel had said Jack only used a finger he was torn open some. There was some blood on him. She quietly asked, "Do you feel sore or anything?"

Daniel clenched his eyes tightly shut before nodding his head yes. She wasn't a bit surprised since he had a few cuts around his anus that extended into his rectum. Though the damage was only minimal on the outside she knew that the internal scars were much more painful.

After finishing her examine she helped him into the bathroom and into the tub remaining within hearing distance in case he needed any help. She frowned looking up at Sam in worry when Daniel left water out of the tub then filled it again after only a few minutes. She then said, "He's scrubbing himself...that's the second bath..."

"Is that...?"

"Yes, that's normal. He feels dirty and used...Jack calling him...those crude names didn't help much either."

"Why do you think he did this to Daniel?"

"That I can't really answer Sam because I don't really know. I think he believed that Daniel should have no problems functioning sexually after his imprisonment. You told me about how Daniel responded to Osiris that day you were captured. Jack probably figured that Daniel had enjoyed his sexual relations with Osiris. He saw Daniel responding to Osiris openly. What he failed to take into consideration was the fact that Daniel would never have willingly given up his body to another for sexual favors UNLESS he'd been threatened with something pretty damned serious. To him he saw Daniel's reactions and figured that there was little suffering on Daniel's part, but in reality Osiris had raped him and violated him every single time he'd touched him. Daniel had been unwilling to cooperate, so Osiris used something to get his compliance..."

"Osiris threatened to destroy an entire planet if he refused to service him. Daniel said that Osiris destroyed a world before and that was how he gained his full cooperation and his open responses..."

"He coerced Daniel...used threats to coerce his cooperation in bed. What it boils down to is a very simple truth: Osiris raped him each and every time he requested any kind of sexual favor because Daniel only cooperated to spare the lives of those inhabitants of the planets Osiris threatened to destroy. I think if Jack knew the full truth he'd be less likely to accuse Daniel of being unfaithful. Daniel was raped probably hundreds of times while with Osiris."

"And then he returns home only to be nearly raped again."

"This time by the one person who has the power to destroy him completely..."

"How could Jack even think that Daniel...? Daniel, this is Daniel we're talking about here. Daniel."

"I know. I know."

She sighed in frustration hearing the water running for the third time. All she could do was shake her head sadly... The damage had already been done and now it was up to Daniel to pick up what remained of his already damaged soul and somehow find a way to put himself back together again...if that were even possible anymore.

* * * *

Daniel was grateful that Janet had helped him into the bathtub and waited until she left feeling much better when she closed the door behind her. Once alone he grabbed the soap and a washcloth and began to gently scrub his body feeling more relaxed as the warm water came into contact with his skin, but when his eyes fell to the bruises on his wrists he no longer felt enjoyment. He, instead, felt an overwhelming desire to scrub his body extremely hard. He was filthy, dirty...ruined. He had to get clean. He started to scrub harder wincing as the pressure only triggered more pain in his bruises, but he didn't care he just wanted them gone. He wanted all the marks to disappear. He scrubbed harsher becoming desperate when the bruises remained and his skin became covered in redness as he started to rub his wrist raw. He knew he should stop, but he just felt so dirty and so unclean. God, if Jack couldn't even stand to look at him, or to touch him with anything but violence then he obviously was dirty, disgusting and filthy. He was a dirty, filthy slave...Osiris' dirty filthy slave...his slut, his whore...his fuckin' lover... He was tainted now; ruined, destroyed...Jack didn't want him. Why the hell would he want him? He was damaged goods. He was soiled property. He was a whore. He'd deserved to be slapped and attacked by Jack. He had given in to Osiris...he had betrayed Jack, and his lover had every right to punish him...

He started to cry heavily again scrubbing, desperately trying to block out the memories and the pain of the last year of his life. He had tried, he had really tried...he had kept his heart locked away! HE HAD! He had saved his heart, his love for Jack. He kept it shielded and guarded. He refused to let Osiris touch him in his heart. He was determined to save at least that much of himself. His body might be filthy and dirty, but his heart was still clean and pure. His heart was for Jack, but Jack didn't want him anymore. Jack couldn't see that he had saved the best part of himself for him. He had guarded his heart. He had been determined to keep his love untainted by the horrible things he did for Osiris. Osiris could do whatever the hell he wanted to do to his body, but he'd never have his heart, for Daniel greedily guarded it and kept it safe for Jack. He'd kept his heart safe for Jack, and when Jack wanted it he couldn't give it freely because he'd had kept it hidden and locked up for far too long. When he had told Jack, tried to tell him that he couldn't give him his heart quite yet Jack had lashed out at him telling him that he was a whore, a bitch...telling him that he didn't want him anymore.

Daniel continued to scrub his body with the rag crying so hard that he couldn't really see what he was doing. When he was finished he washed off, but he still wasn't clean enough. He still needed to be cleaner...cleaner for Jack. Maybe if he could become cleaner...cleaner for Jack and for himself... He angrily drained the bath and then flicked on the water filling it up another time, determined to get himself clean. He felt so dirty, so filthy and so disgusting. He grabbed the soap and started to scrub harder determined to get clean, but as the bath didn't clean him enough he became so angry that he grabbed the shampoo bottle and hurled it at the nearest thing. Instantly a loud crash emanated throughout the room as Sam's mirror shattered. He stared at it for the longest time before getting out of the tub, determined to clean up the mess. He didn't hear the door as it opened, and didn't hear Janet or Sam as they both gasped in shock...

Janet reacted first running over to Daniel, lowering beside him and asking if he was all right. He didn't even look at her all he did was softly mutter, "I broke it, I broke it. I'm sorry...sorry...dirty...I'll clean it up... Clean it up for Sam..." while making desperate grabs for the jagged pieces.

Janet immediately attempted to stop him, tensing when Daniel shrugged her off and thinking of just how dangerous it was for Daniel to be handling broken pieces of glass with his bare hands in his present state. She quickly spoke keeping her voice calm as she said, "Daniel? Daniel stop. Daniel, please!"

He continued to ignore her focusing intently on cleaning up the broken shards of glass, completely oblivious to the fact that the glass was slicing his hands and knees open mercilessly cutting into his flesh and drawing blood to the surface.

Janet grabbed his arm determined to stop him from continuing to harm himself, and he jerked from her shrieking as she touched him. He yelled, "No, NO! Don't touch...please...I'll get you dirty...too dirty...don't want to ruin you too...PLEASE!"

Janet felt the tears piercing her eyes then and there as she heard his comment. Oh God. He was hurting so badly. Sam approached saying, "Daniel, don't worry. I'll clean it up later. Don't worry. You can finish your bath, and I'll take care of this..."

Daniel didn't hear her now lost in his own rambling thoughts and his own feelings of humiliation and shame. He spoke softly, "Got to clean it up...dirty...made a mess...Sam...Sam's going to be upset...God..."

The tears started to run harder down his cheeks as he recalled Jack's words to him again. He screamed as those words sliced into his soul wounding him deeply. He dropped the shattered pieces of glass before slamming his hands against the floor screaming when pain tore through his hands as the broken shards dug and cut into them. Janet quickly stepped around the glass wrapping her arms around his body and holding him tightly as he stared in shock at the blood now running from his hands.

The instant he felt arms wrapping around his body he started to fight against them muttering, "No, no...dirty... I'll get you dirty...no...don't touch me...NO!"

Sam felt tears start gliding down her face as well and without thinking she too approached Daniel and held him close. Janet was whispering to him trying to reassure him and calm him. Daniel fought to break free of their holds continuing to say that he was too dirty and filthy to be touching them, then he suddenly stilled in their arms as if the strength just left him. He curled up the best he could while being held between the two women and cried harder. He said, "I'm sorry...sorry...Janet...sorry Sam. I'm so messed up. I'm sorry. I...I just...I feel so dirty...so used...I...if Jack...I Jack can't even look at me then I must be...I must be pathetic...I...I responded to Osiris...oh God, I let him...I let him do all kinds of things to me...let him touch me, make love to me...let him kiss me...and stroke me...God, no wonder Jack hates me. I betrayed him, betrayed his trust, betrayed our love...betrayed Jack..."

Janet calmed her voice saying, "No, Daniel, no you didn't. You didn't. You had no choice. Osiris used threats to get your cooperation. None of those things you did with him were of your own free will. Daniel, he raped you. He raped you over and over again. You didn't give in to him. He forced your compliance and used threats to get control of you. You didn't do anything wrong. What you did you did to survive. You were raped, Daniel. You didn't comply. Osiris used you. You didn't betray Jack or his trust. You didn't betray yourself. You survived. You're a survivor."

"I feel so alone...so...so...unclean...so vile..."

"Daniel, it's only natural to feel that way. You're only human, one who has suffered a year of imprisonment fighting for your life."

"But I lost myself...lost who I was...Have nothing left...couldn't save anything for Jack...all gone..."

Sam spoke up then saying, "No, Daniel, you even told me you managed to save your heart. You saved your love for Jack. You protected it and shielded it so it wouldn't be tainted. You have your love for him left..."

"Sam, he doesn't love me anymore. You... He...he told me with his own words just how much he despises me...thinks I enjoyed what he did to me...thinks I loved Osiris...I'm ruined...we're ruined. There is no more...Jack and Daniel...can't work, won't ever work now...too... He hates me."

Sam focused intently on Janet while still holding onto Daniel. Janet looked at her and continued to rock Daniel gently back and forth. She continued to gently croon, "No...no, Daniel, he doesn't. He could never hate you. No one could ever hate you, Daniel. No one..."

Daniel laughed a maniacal, desperate laugh as he responded, "Why not, Jan? I'm the Goa'uld bitch you know...his whore, his slut...his goddamned fuck toy...why would anyone love me? I'm not worth it...I'm not."

Janet's eyes widened when she heard the anger, the self-hatred and the self-loathing in Daniel's voice. Oh God, he had been hurt so much worse than she had ever imagined. He now hated himself. He now felt as if he were unworthy of love and care. Oh, Daniel, how can I help you see, help you realize that you are none of those things? How? She knew it would be nearly impossible now, for Jack in his rage had helped to reassert in Daniel's mind the belief that he truly was unlovable, that he truly was repulsive and that he was only a Goa'uld whore... God, to hear Daniel himself speak those vile words and to know that he was calling himself those names...

She shook her head sadly and propped her chin atop his head holding him closely, knowing that he needed their comfort and their love more than ever right now. He was waging a war inside himself now trying to make sense of why his lover would have attacked him, why his life had turned out so terribly wrong and why he was so unworthy of any kind of care and concern. She glanced up at Sam seeing those same feelings reflected in her eyes. They had to help him through this. They had to help him heal.

She glanced up again as the doorbell rang giving Sam a questioning glance and feeling Daniel tense immediately under them. He started muttering, "No, no...not him...can't be...doesn't know I'm here...God, no...can't look at him...can't face him...no..."

"Shh, shh, Daniel, everything's all right. It's okay...it's okay..."

Sam spoke softly, "Probably Teal'c...I called him when you brought Daniel up here for his exam...I thought we might be able to use his help..."

They both felt the tension in Daniel suddenly begin to leave his body when he heard Sam's voice and heard her confirm that it was Teal'c at that door and not Jack. She knew Jack was the one he couldn't face. She knew that Jack was the one he couldn't look at, and it saddened her. She nodded her head hearing light footsteps on the staircase leading up to this level.

Sam called to him, "Teal'c, we're in here...in the bathroom. Please come in."

Within only a few short moments Teal'c entered the room stopping when he saw the sight before him and feeling his sudden fierce protectiveness and concern for the young man in their arms surge to the forefront.

Sam broke the silence first keeping her voice at a minimum, so as not to disturb Daniel further. He seemed to be calming some, and she knew that loud voices would not help. She offered him a small smile before saying, "Daniel needed to vent..."

"I see. What has happened to him?"

"Um...he was...um..."

Janet spoke up quietly, "He and the Colonel had a bit of a misunderstanding..."

She felt Daniel tense under her upon the mention of the Colonel and nervously bit into her lower lip hoping that her simple comment wouldn't make things worse all over again.

Sam seeing the young doctor struggling to provide an answer to their Jaffa friend continued, "He...hurt Daniel very badly...they were preparing to...make love when he allowed his anger and rage to take root...he..."

"Major Carter, did O'Neill attempt to make love with force?"

Sam lowered her gaze before quietly answering, "Yes...yes, Teal'c he did."

"Why would he do such a thing? He should have realized it is too soon. Does he not know how a system lord's favored is treated?" Seeing Daniel's sudden discomfort and hearing him gasp and cringe upon the mention of the word "favored" Teal'c immediately regretted speaking out of turn. He knew that his young friend had suffered much at the hands of Osiris. Many who are chosen favorites to a system lord are used in whatever way the Goa'uld lord wishes. One does not have a choice when one is a favored to a god, for they must show the utmost respect always to their lord. Teal'c knew for certain that Daniel had suffered much. Unlike O'Neill he had not been surprised to see Daniel responding so readily to Osiris upon a simple touch, for all those who were a favored to a system lord were put through extensive trainings and disciplines to become as such. Osiris probably demanded that Daniel present himself as a sexually desirable slave always. He was probably trained on how to carry himself in such a way. He was to resonate sex...be appealing to all those who saw him, be sexually ready and eager always for his lord and to respond openly to any touches his lord placed upon his body, even while in the presence of an audience. He was to be sexually promiscuous, sexually desirable and sexually eager always, among other things. The failure to do any of those things was grave.

He frowned as he noticed the broken shards of glass around his friend and gazed at Major Carter catching the concern and understanding in her eyes. His young friend had broken the mirror before he arrived. He now remained on his knees half sitting, half kneeling while being held between the two women. Teal'c could see blood dripping from Daniel Jackson's hands and his concern grew stronger. He approached asking, "What has happened here?"

"Daniel was upset and he decided to take his anger out on my mirror. Don't worry about it Teal'c. Daniel's fine, he will be fine. My mirror however will need replacing sometime."

Teal'c quietly offered, "Shall I take him from you, Major Carter? I can help him to finish his bath and clean him up."

"Wait a few more moments Teal'c."

"As you wish."

Teal'c turned his focus towards gathering what he would need to clean and bandage the freshly bleeding cuts on his friends hands and wrists before returning and kneeling before his young friend asking, "Shall I help you finish bathing, my friend?"

Daniel lifted his head gazing at Teal'c as he tried to make sense of his question. When he realized that Teal'c was offering to help him finish bathing and get cleaned up he stumbled over his reply, "What? Yes...yes Teal'c, please. Thank...thank you."

"I am happy to be of service Daniel Jackson. Will you be comfortable in my presence or...?"

"Yes I'll be fine."

"Are you certain?"

Daniel offered him a shy smile as he informed, "Teal'c when I was...away Zeenan often took care of me and my injuries. He took care of my needs...I'll be fine."

Teal'c felt a surge of concern and anger run through him as Daniel confessed that Zeenan took care of injuries often. Did that mean that Osiris spent much time harming Daniel Jackson? He felt an insatiable need to find the Goa'uld lord and kill him with his bare hands as he again thought of the horror, the terror his young friend must have suffered through while serving another. He was determined to help his friend in any way he could and smiled when Janet and Sam eased their holds on his young friend allowing him to offer his assistance.

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