Personal Sacrifice Part 22

By: Stacy L.

DISPELLING INHIBITIONS

Extending A Helping Hand

Daniel sat in Jack's car in the parking lot of Doctor Wentworth's office. Jack was watching him, concerned that he wasn't all right. Daniel smiled reassuring him that he was fine and thanking him for bringing him here. Jack questioned again if he was sure he didn't want company today sensing that it would be a very difficult session for Daniel. When Daniel told him again that he wanted to do this alone Jack yielded kissing him before telling him that he'd be waiting for him. He assured Daniel that he would stay in the parking lot in case he desired to leave at some point before the end of the session. Daniel thanked him before exiting the vehicle and heading inside.

After their initial greetings Doctor Wentworth waited for Daniel to get comfortable before beginning by asking, "Doctor Jackson how do you feel today?"

Silence stretched between them. Doctor Wentworth watched her visitor who seemed to be finding the floor rather intriguing. She waited for him to speak knowing she had to be patient and understanding; that he needed to be the one to initiate any further discussion. She hoped that Doctor Jackson trusted her enough to confide in her. When he showed no outward signs of even being aware of her presence in the room she felt her hope starting to die. Then he surprised her as he softly answered, "Like a failure. I'm scared and I'm weak. I can't even lead a normal life. Hell, I don't even remember what a normal life is. I'm so, I'm...I think I'm...crazy..."

As he said that last word she realized the admission terrified him and quickly strove to dispel the wrong assumption, "Doctor, you aren't crazy. You're struggling with a lot of issues right now. You are often anxious and afraid but that doesn't mean you're crazy."

"Then why do I feel like I'm losing my mind? Why can't...? Why do I still feel like I'm there? Why do I jump at the slightest touch or sound? Why do I constantly feel like...like I'm being stalked? Like he's going to return and take me away again? Why do I...? Why can't I relax? Why do...? Why?"

"Because Doctor Jackson you have suffered so much. You had to fight to survive, to live another day. You had to hold on and you had to sacrifice so much to do that. What you went through your experiences, were harrowing..."

"Why does everyone keep saying that? They weren't! How could they be when I surrendered? HOW?"

Keeping her voice calm Doctor Wentworth gently pried, "Doctor Jackson, tell me why you believe that you're..."

"Crazy? I am crazy. I have to be crazy or something."

"Why? Has anything changed or..."

"NO!"

He answered too quickly and she knew that she had to push him a bit more so she continued, "How are the nightmares?"

"WHAT?" Daniel inquired in a high-pitched voice but she persisted, "Are you experiencing flashbacks, Doctor Jackson? Snippets of memories that consume you, make it harder for you to focus and to concentrate, make it...?"

Doctor Wentworth trailed off as she observed his entire demeanor change to one of a person highly agitated and nervous. She knew beyond a doubt that she was correct in her assumptions. He was experiencing flashbacks and nightmares, and from the way he continued to fidget in the chair she was certain that they disturbed him greatly. She was also positive that Doctor Jackson had no idea that what he was presently experiencing was absolutely normal. To someone who didn't understand the effects trauma had on one's mind, body, spirit and soul Doctor Jackson would probably appear to be a little...odd but not crazy. No, Doctor Jackson obviously felt that because he couldn't control the invasive memories and couldn't understand why they were happening that he must be crazy. She knew what her next topic of discussion needed to be so she continued, "Tell me about them..."

Daniel jerked his head up glancing at her briefly before brushing his tongue quickly across his bottom lip managing, "What...what are you...?"

"Tell me about the flashbacks, Doctor."

"No, no I don't...I don't have any of those. I don't..."

She could instantly tell that he had just lied to her. She held her lips in a grim line before proceeding further, "Doctor, there is nothing wrong with you. You're not crazy, but you are confused, uncertain, weary and afraid. There are things happening to you that you don't understand and you believe you're the only one who has ever experienced these things, but you're not alone. Many people experience what you're experiencing..."

"So, so how do they...cope?"

"They find help and they work on the issues."

"And how many actually are cured?"

"No one is cured of PTSD, Doctor. What people do is they learn how to deal with it and they find new ways to cope."

"So is there anything I can do to...?"

"Yes there is."

"What?"

"First I need to know if you're willing to work at it."

"Yes. You know I am."

"Yes I believe you are."

"So what, where do we go from here?"

"Doctor Jackson I want you to do something for me."

"What?"

"I want you to go back through your memories, your experiences and see if you can identify anything that could trigger responses in you."

"What? I don't understand..."

"In order to gain control over the flashbacks and prepare yourself for when they are happening you need to know what triggers memories and responses in you."

"I don't... I..."

"For instance, touch is a trigger for you, especially when it's sudden and you're not paying attention to it. Like your first visit here, the moment Colonel O'Neill placed his hand on top of yours you tensed. You started to panic but maintained control. The touch triggered the panic. You may have noticed since your return that certain phrases, scents, sounds and actions have made you instantly upset, fearful or anxious... These are all triggers. You experienced a lot of trauma during your absence and though you probably don't want to recall what happened to you during that time your mind refuses to allow you to forget. Instead the ringing of the telephone, the dropping of a book, a knock on the door makes you panic, makes you freeze and makes you afraid. Sometimes these feelings are accompanied by vivid images of your captivity, sometimes with phrases your captor said and sometimes with nothing at all. By examining your memories, by examining each moment when something triggered your panic after the abduction you can narrow down what causes you to panic. For example, during the first meeting when Colonel O'Neill's touch frightened you what about the way he touched you upset you?"

Daniel remained silent staring at his now entwined hands. He inhaled deeply hesitant to answer but desperate to figure out if what he was experiencing truly was normal. He was so afraid that he was crazy but from what Doctor Wentworth was saying he wasn't, and he wanted so badly not to be crazy that he answered, "Um, it, it was...sudden, too quick, unexpected. Um, I... It just surprised me."

"I see and have you experienced other times when touch has upset you?"

"Yes."

"Can you remember those times, Doctor?"

Daniel glanced briefly at her chuckling nervously before softly answering, "I try not to."

"Okay, that's understandable but I need you to remember those times."

"Well that could prove...challenging."

"How about I start?"

Daniel puzzled over that question before asking, "You?"

"Yes."

"How could you start when...?"

"Do you remember our discussion several sessions ago when you told me that your lover no longer touches you sexually?"

Daniel blushed furiously before answering, "Um, yes..."

"You told me that you usually screamed when touched."

Daniel hung his head in shame before replying, "That's...that's correct."

"Do you remember any times when your lover's touch made you scream?"

Daniel paused as he suddenly recalled the first night after his return when Jack was kissing him and... "We were kissing and... The back...the back of my neck... Um, I, when I was...a prisoner I... A golden collar was...fused around my neck...a, a leash...a chain was also secured to it. It was eventually removed but... There was a time when, when I was... They used the leash to control me, pulled on it so hard that the collar bit into my neck. I, I couldn't breathe. I panicked. I...I guess when he...touched the base of my neck I..."

Daniel fell silent wringing his hands together and trying to keep his breathing controlled, surprised to realize that he had been breathing harder when he spoke of the memory. He waited several moments before focusing on Doctor Wentworth and continuing, "The touch made me scream. I shoved him away. I shoved him so hard that he landed on the floor. I was so afraid, so... It felt as if I were being...attacked all over again and I couldn't breathe. I...I just...I couldn't control my actions."

Doctor Wentworth nodded before saying, "That was a trigger for you, Doctor Jackson. The behavior is completely normal. Triggers happen when you least expect them to. Sounds, certain looks, comments, odors, anything can be a trigger. You have no control over them at first and they keep surfacing. With each episode you feel you're losing it. You feel like you're crazy, but you aren't. They are normal. You're not alone."

"That's, that's what Jack said but... I don't know anyone else who...acts like that."

"Colonel O'Neill has similar experiences I am certain."

"WHAT? Yeah, right."

"He has had counseling and has learned what triggers his panic, therefore he can control it better. The key to controlling the triggers is to first figure out what they are and what things set you off. I want you to think back over your memories of your captivity and of times afterwards when you had similar reactions like the one you just described. Write them down. Keep them in a journal or a book and bring them with you for our next session. Take the book with you and record the triggers. If you would like you may also record the memories. They would help immensely but if you find that you can't write them down then don't force yourself to. We'll work on the memories another time. Right now I want to focus on finding your triggers. We can make a chart of the triggers and together work on how to deal with them. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Write down the instances when you feel the adrenaline rush to fight or flee and also those instances when you shut down physically or emotionally. Triggers could be anything: sounds, smells, and objects you see, even certain people may remind you of the trauma. Things such as emotional overload, stress and even difficulties at home or work may trigger these reactions. Write them down then try to record your reactions to each. For example, do you isolate yourself, lash out at your lover, pace, experience headaches or muscle aches? Are you unable to concentrate or focus? Do you feel drawn to alcohol, drugs or food? When you react to your triggers what happens? You may want to try to trace the origins of the triggers, which would require you exploring past memories of your abduction. Once we have some things written down we will make a chart that should help you to understand that a trigger is occurring and to anticipate the automatic responses to the trigger. Once you identify the triggers and can anticipate them then you can control them."

"Oh...okay. I think...I think I can do that."

"I know you can do that. It won't be easy but in the end it will definitely pay off."

"I hope you're right. I can't keep living like this..."

Doctor Wentworth offered him a warm smile before saying, "Healing takes time, Doctor, but you will heal."

Daniel stilled then lifted his gaze to hers as he softly questioned, "You really believe that?"

"Yes, I do."

"Thank...thank you."

She nodded continuing to smile waiting several more moments before further inquiring, "Is there anything you'd like to discuss today? How are things at work?"

"Um oh...okay, they're okay. Sam and I had a talk and...well..."

When silence fell between them and Doctor Jackson began to drum his fingers while gnawing on his bottom lip she knew they were entering disturbing territory for him, so she softened her voice as she gently pried, "What is it?"

Daniel swallowed hard before lowering his head quietly saying, "She thinks I was...raped."

"And were you?"

"NO! No, no. I..."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why does she believe you were raped?"

"Because, you know, she...I..."

When he started stumbling over his words she quietly stated the obvious, "This is very hard for you."

"Yes."

"Take your time."

Daniel offered her a brief ghostly smile before again lowering his head. He inhaled deeply several times before continuing, "I was coerced, threatened. If I didn't serve he would... He'd destroy so many. But, but I wasn't rap...raped. I wasn't."

"If you were coerced then by definition..."

"NO!"

"You said no?"

"Well, yes but that doesn't mean..."

"How many times did you say no before he coerced you?"

"How many times? What does it matter?"

“It doesn't. No means no whether you said it once or a thousand times. No still means no, Doctor."

"I...at first I refused but then... He, he killed all those people and, and threatened to do it again if I didn't...yield to him."

She nodded knowing that he just defined rape and realizing that he couldn't accept it. She knew she had to tread carefully or she could cause more damage than good so she continued trying to choose her words carefully, "Doctor Jackson, you say you weren't raped... Why?"

Daniel focused on her for the briefest of moments before jerking his head away and rising to his feet. He wrapped his arms tightly across his chest before pacing back and forth. He said nothing for several minutes before answering, "Because I enjoyed it too much to be...that."

Doctor Wentworth swallowed hard as she watched her agitated patient pacing nervously back and forth. She thought of what she wanted to say being careful to keep her tone calm as she dared to tread into the choppy waters of Doctor Jackson's denial, guilt and shame. She cautiously said, "Just because you enjoy sexual relations with another doesn't mean you have given consent to that person. Doctor Jackson, we all feel and react to different situations in certain ways. When we have sexual relations with another our bodies all react the same way to such stimulation. Many women who have been...assaulted sexually feel great shame and guilt..."

"But why? It's not their fault that they were attacked."

"No it isn't."

"So why do they feel ashamed? They have no reason to."

She watched Doctor Jackson noticing how he so easily accepted that when a woman is raped or assaulted she is not to blame, yet he couldn't accept that the same thing was true in his case. She sensed that at the heart of his lack of acceptance was the betrayal. He felt he had betrayed his lover by sleeping with another, and he refused to see that he had been raped. He was punishing himself for something he had never done. He believed that he had betrayed his lover and therefore deserved to suffer. He refused to admit that he had been coerced and therefore raped. She shook her head before replying to his last question aware that her answer could have the potential for ending this session, "They feel ashamed because they reacted. They feel ashamed because they felt pleasure during such a brutal violation."

Daniel's voice cracked as he questioned, "They felt pleasure?"

Doctor Wentworth watched her patient closely aware that his pacing had increased and he seemed to be growing even more agitated and anxious than previously. She inhaled deeply before adding, "Yes, Doctor, they did. None of those women enjoyed being violated and assaulted, none of them but the human body is designed with nerve endings and they are closest to the surface in the sexual organs. When you're raped your sexual response doesn't just shut down. You become stimulated and though you refuse to yield your body is designed to make intercourse and penetration pleasurable, therefore the sexual responses are unstoppable. It's biological and innate. Many people who are raped can no longer find pleasure in lovemaking. They can no longer be stimulated or reach orgasm. They can no longer stand to be touched or kissed. This is because they cannot understand why such a brutal crime felt good to them. They believe that since they enjoyed some part of it that they must be a tramp or..."

Daniel paused flinching and gasping as she said that word. His reaction told her that he felt similar and her heart ached for him. She continued, "Doctor Jackson, the reason people find some pleasure even when they are attacked or assaulted is because it is biological. We were created to derive great pleasure from lovemaking, for without it we would have no desire to reproduce. This automatic response in the human body is the source of many sexual assault victims' guilt and shame. It's a reaction that we have no control over."

"No control?"

"None."

Daniel paused again saying, "I still wasn't..."

"Doctor, you said no. You said you were coerced, that you were threatened. You yielded after he threatened you?"

"Well yes. If I hadn't he would've..."

"Killed others?"

"Yes."

"So how can you stand there and tell me something that's not true?"

"I didn't...I'm not..."

"You were raped, Doctor Jackson."

"NO! NO I WASN'T!"

"You said no. He coerced you. You cooperated because he threatened you. That's not willingly surrendering Doctor Jackson."

"No, no. I enjoyed it. I...I begged him... I...I pleaded. I..."

"Was raped."

"NO! NO! NO! Stop saying that! I wasn't. I wasn't. I WASN'T!"

"Why? Why weren't you?"

"Men don't get raped!"

"Yes they do."

"NO! No. I surrendered. I liked it. My God, I even begged for it. How is that...?"

“Because you were coerced. Tell me Doctor after you yielded did you ever refuse again?"

Daniel froze clenching his eyes shut as he recalled fighting against Osiris when he was pinned to the bed after being thrown down. He recalled a time when he begged Osiris not to touch him and when he pleaded with him to stop. He shook his head before quietly answering, "Yes. Several...several times."

"And did he stop?"

"Not...not always he..."

Daniel drew his left hand up to his forehead and gently grasped the bridge of his nose between his thumb and pointer finger squeezing before closing his eyes and lowering his head feeling a migraine starting. He tried to focus on Doctor Wentworth but the migraine seemed to build making his head throb. He squeezed tighter hoping the headache would just disappear as suddenly as it had surfaced. He forced himself to continue his answer still gripping the bridge of his nose and keeping his eyes tightly squeezed shut, "Sometimes he would pin me beneath him and...and draw pleasure from securing me in place... If I asked him, pleaded with him to stop he...he'd laugh and begin stimulating me. I... The pleasure would...take over and soon I'd be begging for him...not to stop so...so I was never... He never... I drew too much pleasure for it to be..."

"Rape Doctor?"

Daniel nodded his head and Doctor Wentworth closed her own eyes briefly as she heard his words and knew that beyond a doubt Doctor Jackson had been repeatedly raped and assaulted by his captor. Now she had to make HIM realize that he had been. Once he accepted it then they could further the healing process. She watched her distressed patient knowing that he probably had a headache brought on by stress. She allotted him several minutes of silence prepared to end the session when he spoke again, "Um, I think I should go. May I leave? I'm...I'm going to go home. Get some sleep. Is that...is that okay?"

"Yes Doctor. Did you drive yourself in?"

"No, no. Jack...Jack brought me in."

She relaxed a bit thankful that Colonel O'Neill thought to drive Doctor Jackson in. She offered, "Would you like me to get him for you?"

"No, no thanks. I can, I can make it."

Daniel then looked up releasing his grip on his nose as he continued, "Thank...thank you."

She smiled warmly and nodded before saying, "I'll see you next week."

"Yes next week."

"Take care of yourself, Doctor."

He nodded before exiting her office, making his way quickly to the parking lot, relieved to see Jack exit and approach him. As Jack drew to his side Daniel felt calmer. He offered his lover a shaky smile, glad when Jack's only response was to ask him if he was ready to go and to lead him to the car. He was more than a little relieved that Jack didn't question him but knew that in time he would have to talk to Jack about what occurred in the session. Right now his only goal was to get home as quickly as possible.

* * * *

Later That Night...

He jerked upright out of bed screaming as stark cold terror gripped him. He automatically wrapped his arms tightly around himself clenching his eyes shut as he struggled to regain a normal breathing pattern. God, God, God not again, NOT again! Why couldn't he forget? Why? He started rocking and mumbling unaware that he was. He also forgot where he was, completely unaware that he had woken his peacefully resting lover when the nightmares became too terrifying. He didn't even hear Jack say his name or feel the bed moving when Jack sat up prepared to comfort him, for he found himself trapped in a past he thought he had destroyed. He wasn't aware of Jack hovering beside him until Jack touched him. He screamed again trapped in the nightmare not fully awake still seeing the terrifying images that roused him so thoroughly. He saw movement and inhaled sharply as fear swamped him. He saw a hand reaching for him and whimpered softly as that fear built up to terror. No, no, no...not again. Please NOT again!

Jack awoke to a loud scream and felt his heart pounding frantically in his chest as a result. He wondered where the scream of terror had come from and as he focused on Daniel he felt his heart leap into his throat. God, God Daniel! Daniel was screaming! God, what the hell? He was certain that Daniel had suffered another nightmare so without another thought he attempted to wrap his arms around him jumping as Daniel screamed again and jerked away from him, plastering his body against the headboard, curling up in as tight a ball as he could form and darting his eyes maniacally around the room. He knew then and there that he would have to talk Daniel down. He wasn't even sure if Daniel was fully awake yet. He started speaking to him in a quiet gentle tone assuring him that he was safe now and that no one was hurting him, but still the stark terror reflected in his body language and facial expressions. He continued to speak to Daniel hoping that he could get through the fear and reach his lover, "Daniel, Daniel it's Jack. You're home now. You're safe. You were dreaming, Daniel, just dreaming."

Daniel released a high-pitched screech that lapsed into a soft whimper before his shrill voice repeated one word, "Dream...?"

"Yes Daniel dream...a dream... You were just having a bad dream. You're safe. You're safe now love. No one's going to hurt you. I won't let them hurt you. I'll protect you, Daniel. I won't let anyone hurt you. You can trust me Daniel. You can trust me."

Again his shrill voice filled the room sounding less maniacal as he questioned, "Trust...?"

"Yes, Daniel, yes. You can trust me."

"No trust, can't trust... They want to hur...hurt me..."

"Daniel they aren't here. There's no one here but us love."

"No one..."

"No one."

"But us?"

He tried not to get his hopes up too high when Daniel actually started speaking knowing that he was still very afraid, still pale and still gulping for air. He knew, was certain, that if he were to check Daniel's pulse now he'd find it beating extremely fast. His lover remained curled inward holding himself rigid against the headboard so Jack proceeded with caution continuing in his calm reassuring, soft tone "Yes Daniel no one but us. It's just you and I alone in our bedroom together. You're all right love. You're all right. You're safe now. Safe..."

"Safe? Safe with...with you with..."

"Yes with me, Daniel, with me...safe with me."

He held still as Daniel seemed to slowly relax before his eyes. He still hesitated knowing that sudden movement could send Daniel back to the terror he was trying to pull him free from. He wasn't sure he was successful until Daniel softly croaked, "Ja'k...Ja'k..."

"Yes, Danny, yes. It's me. It's Jack. Look at me, look at my face Daniel. Really look at me."

As Daniel responded by focusing on him he felt overwhelming relief and immediately moved to encompass the younger man feeling extremely relieved when he spoke his name and launched himself into his waiting arms. He couldn't be happier to receive an armload of Daniel Jackson at that moment in time and as Daniel wrapped his arms around him he could feel the need and desperation in that hold. Daniel needed this, needed to feel safe and to know that someone was here for him. He pulled Daniel tightly against him smiling as the man snuggled into his embrace and buried his face in his chest. He held Daniel continuing to croon softly to him when he heard soft sobbing. He felt dampness on his chest and knew that Daniel's tears were now soaking into his shirt, but he didn't care. He was determined to hold Daniel and comfort him. He started to gently rock Daniel allowing him to sob in silence knowing that Daniel was trying to hide his emotions from him and trying to conceal the fact that he was indeed crying.

They sat like that well into the night Jack comforting Daniel and Daniel clinging to him desperately. As the minutes became hours Jack was certain that Daniel had drifted asleep in his arms...that is until Daniel spoke, "I was there again and...and they were trying to...to...and this time they succeeded. They...my hands were tied, couldn't fight them...was so scared, so damn scared... Knew I'd be...knew they planned...he...he..."

He tensed surprised that Daniel started to speak. He softly prodded, "He? Who is he Daniel? Who?"

“Di...Di... His servant tried to...practically choked me to death...stuck his tongue so far down gagged...nearly gagged...fought but...but not successful still...still... Zeenan stopped them, killed them... He killed them for me. I...I didn't...don't support kill...killing but I was...I was happy when...when he told me... Snapped his neck...the one who wanted to...to while I was helpless...tied up... I tried to bite his fuckin' tongue off but then the guards they...they started kicking me, kicking me and laughing as he touch...touched me."

Jack felt anger and rage filling him as he realized that Daniel was speaking of an attack, of a time when someone obviously wanted more from him than he had been willing to give. God, a servant tried to...tried to do what? He tried to tongue him? SHIT! Bastard! He probably tried to do more than that... Why did rape keep flashing through his mind in bright bold lights in response to those comments? He didn't believe Daniel was speaking of Osiris but he had to be certain, he wanted to be certain so he asked, "Who tried to hurt you Daniel? Who? Osiris?"

"No, nope...no. He was mad at me, pissed but not enough to...to attack me and...and molest me."

"Osiris didn't...attack you?"

"No, no he didn't..."

"Why was he mad?"

"Thought I...escaped him again."

Again? Escaped him again? Did that mean Daniel had tried to run from, "Escaped again?"

"Yeah but I wasn't, not that time. He was pissed...escaped not long before that, was recaptured but..."

Escaped? He had tried to escape not once but several times. He had... Daniel had actually... God, why was that so surprising to him? Of course Daniel would have attempted escape, but why did that admission surprise him so much now?

His mind echoed an answer that made him shiver, 'Because you believe that he enjoyed every minute of his enslavement, especially the sexual servitude. You believe he willingly prostituted himself to Osiris and Zeenan...'

No... NO! NO! He slammed a door on those twisted demented thoughts wondering what the hell triggered them and realizing that he was feeling jealous again. Jealous? Damn it, here Daniel was clinging to him after dreaming of nearly being raped by a servant and all he could think about was that Daniel probably loved fucking Osiris and Zeenan? What the hell? Where did those twisted thoughts come from? Why did he...? He quieted his thoughts focusing solely on holding Daniel and soothing him determined to help him relax again. As those thoughts that had momentarily distracted him seemed to vanish from his mind he sighed in relief again focusing all of his attention on Daniel.

Daniel fell silent feeling the sudden need to bathe. He shivered before quietly saying, "I'd... I want to get a shower, Jack. I need to... Do you...? Can I...?"

"Yes Daniel. You don't need to ask."

Daniel lowered his gaze as he stuttered, "I...I..."

Jack placed a finger under Daniel's chin gently lifting up his face before saying, "Go get your shower."

Daniel nodded muttering a quick 'thanks Jack' before rising and making his way quickly to the bathroom. Jack watched his lover enter the small room and close the door. He didn't hear the lock being thrown and relaxed a bit. Hearing the shower click on several minutes later Jack quickly found himself in a dilemma. Should he stay here or attempt to offer comfort to his lover who was probably now scrubbing his body and burning his skin under searing water? He remained sitting in bed only a few moments longer before rising and preparing to approach Daniel hoping he wasn't about to make a big mistake.

As he opened the bathroom door he drew to a halt watching his lover while still debating whether to approach him or leave. He hated feeling indecisive and hated being so uncertain about what to do. He debated only a few moments before approaching the shower and easing the curtain back. He stood transfixed admiring Daniel's ethereal beauty at the same time that he noticed the jerky motions with which Daniel now bathed. He hesitated as he thought about how to proceed.

After several more moments he made up his mind, carefully stepping into the bathtub before softly murmuring Daniel's name, grateful that he hadn't touched Daniel yet, for as his lover jerked to face him fear was his most noticeable emotion. Daniel was scared to death. Jack waited for him to calm before softly prodding, "Would you like me to go?"

Daniel's immediate response was the shake of his head. No. Daniel didn't want him to go, but he still asked again, "Are you sure Daniel? I don't want..."

"Please stay... Stay with me Jack. Please I... Please."

He smiled and nodded. The moment he nodded he observed Daniel's sudden sigh of relief before he sagged against him. Jack immediately wrapped his arms around Daniel and held him. Together they stood as water gently cascaded over and around them while they drew comfort from each other. He again asked, "Are you okay with this? I mean..."

"Yes. Please Jack just...hold me."

As the words left Daniel's mouth Jack could hear the underlying sadness and fear. The fear always disturbed him, especially when Daniel was requesting simply to be held closer. That fear in his voice told Jack more than words could ever tell him: Daniel feared that one day he would make that request and be denied. If that ever happened then it would destroy what was left of his precious soul. Jack would never allow that to happen no matter how angry, frustrated and outraged Daniel made him. No matter what he said or did in the future he would make certain to always, always offer Daniel the simple comfort of being held in loving arms, being held and cherished, of knowing that no matter what happened, no matter how bad things became, no matter how much he felt that he was undeserving of such a simple gift he would receive it. He'd make certain that Daniel learned that he could always turn to him for unconditional love, for comfort, for those needs he refused to admit were there. He would always receive the gift of being held close no matter how long it took, how many hours passed, no matter where they were if Daniel needed to be held he would be.

As the minutes ticked by and Daniel started to relax further against him Jack asked, "Would you like me to help you bathe?"

Daniel nodded in response allowing Jack to soap up his body and scrub him clean. He noticed that Jack was being slow and much more gentle than he had been to himself in the past few months. Instead of scrubbing harshly Jack was gently running the washcloth over his body. There was no pain, no familiar burning and tingling of his skin only calmness and tenderness. Jack's hands were so tender upon his body that Daniel nearly cried as a result never expecting Jack to be so gentle with him ever again. Not after what he had done to him.

Jack gently urged Daniel to turn towards him and he complied keeping his head bowed, unable to look at Jack as he began to soap his back with just as much tenderness still holding him close as he did so. Jack paused to pull him closer and Daniel tensed upon feeling their groins clash. He tried to pull away, but Jack only held him beginning to press butterfly light kisses to his neck as he spoke reassurances to him. Soon he felt himself again relax and give in to the tenderness his lover was raining down upon him. After several more minutes Jack resumed his gentle scrubbing and after he was finished with the task he leaned back to peer at Daniel's face frowning when he noticed that Daniel still held his gaze to the floor. He gently lifted Daniel's chin with his finger saying, "Hey, look at me love. Look at me."

"But Jack..."

"Please? I want to see your beautiful face."

Daniel hesitantly complied lifting his head to look at Jack feeling warmth begin to coil in his stomach for the man before him. As Jack leaned in to capture his lips Daniel sighed and softly moaned responding eagerly. Jack smiled pulling briefly back seeing the need, the yearning and the desire in his lover's eyes. Daniel wanted him and by God he wanted Daniel. He slowly backed Daniel against the shower wall leaning in to press another kiss to his lips making the kiss deep, penetrating and tender. As Daniel released another quiet mewl of pleasure Jack found he wanted to take one step closer to lovemaking and began to run his hands up and down across Daniel's back, rocking his hips slightly back and forth feeling Daniel hardening beautifully against him. As Daniel's hand slipped lower down his back Jack growled out huskily, "I want you. I want you, Daniel."

Daniel hearing the statement immediately pulled back, gazing in fear and shock at his lover. He stared at Jack for the longest time seeing the fire of desire burning in the brown depths. Jack wanted him? Jack wanted HIM? Why? Why would Jack want one so tainted and dirty? Why?

As Jack started to lean forward preparing to again capture his lips Daniel lowered his right hand to Jack's chest pressing it against him trying to force some distance between their bodies. Jack seeing the hesitation calmed his voice further saying, "I want you, Daniel, and I know you want me too."

"Jack... No."

"Daniel..."

"No, please Jack. It's just too... I can't do this Jack. I just can't."

"Why?"

Daniel lowered his gaze unable to speak his thoughts aloud: "because I'm filthy. I no longer deserve you. I betrayed you..." on and on the reasons surfaced in his mind making him feel extremely inadequate and unworthy.

As if Jack read those words in Daniel's eyes he immediately began to say, "No, no. Don't think like that Daniel. No. I love you and you love me. Don't believe those things he told you."

"Jack I don't..."

Knowing instinctively what Daniel was going to say he interrupted, "You do deserve me, damn it! And I'm not leaving you! I'm not leaving you." Feeling a desperate need to assure his lover Jack pulled Daniel tightly against him and held him close repeating those words while kissing his doubts away.

As Jack rained kisses all across his face, his ears and neck Daniel found himself wanting to believe him, to believe what he was saying and relaxing further in his embrace. When Jack felt Daniel calming further he pulled him closer. Together they stood like that until Daniel was ready to return to bed. Jack turned off the shower, helped Daniel dry off then led him to the bed where they settled with Jack once again spooning his body around Daniel's and holding him as he drifted asleep in his arms.

* * * * * *

Two Days Later...

Jack entered the house preparing to call out for Daniel when he saw his lover in the living room. He quickly approached having returned early from work when Janet informed him that Daniel had requested to leave a few hours early. He asked her if Daniel had been upset or had suffered any flashbacks. Janet told him no, that Daniel had complained of feeling tired and having a headache earlier in the day. The Tylenol she had given him had failed to work and Daniel had asked to leave early simply stating that he wasn't feeling well.

He paused at the entrance to the living room noting that Daniel was clutching his arms across his chest, staring at the wall and rocking slightly. Aware that he would have to be cautious Jack slowly approached before asking, "Daniel?"

When Daniel failed to respond to his name in any way Jack was certain that something had happened so he tried again, "Daniel? Daniel, it's Jack. I need you to look at me. Please Daniel."

When Daniel still failed to acknowledge him he became worried and concerned continuing to draw his lover's attention, "Daniel? Daniel, look at me. Please Daniel. You don't have to be shy around me you can..." His voice trailed off as Daniel turned and looked at him in something akin to terror.

Daniel tensed as his mind sounded a warning. He slowly turned to face Jack feeling as if someone just walked over his grave. He felt suddenly open and exposed shaking his head and shrugging off the feelings of panic and fear that were stirring deep within. He focused his full attention on Jack asking, "What? What did you just say to me Jack?"

"You don't need to be shy around me, Daniel."

"You have no need to be shy around me, precious one..."

Daniel turned away closing his eyes as those words echoed in his mind, words spoken by another long ago.

Jack noticed the odd changes in Daniel's countenance as the young man suddenly downcast his eyes falling completely silent and not moving. He was just...sitting there. He seemed disturbed prompting Jack to inquire, "Daniel?"

"Yes My Lord?"

Jack tensed repeating Daniel's name feeling his breath hitch as Daniel immediately rose off the couch then lowered to his knees, bowing his head and speaking in a meek tone, "How may I serve you, My Lord?"

His first reaction was to grab Daniel and shake him but he sensed that would only confuse his lover. He knew what was happening, recognizing the symptoms in Daniel he himself had experienced in the past. He tried to remember what had usually helped him to return to the present and again spoke Daniel's name. Daniel remained on his knees holding his gaze downcast, resting his hands palms down on his thighs and Jack sensed that the posture was one Daniel was used to assuming. He shuddered as he thought of just how often Daniel had gone to his knees for Osiris and felt the need to strangle the snake once again arise.

He watched his lover uncertain as to what he could do when Daniel suddenly jerked his head up and glanced anxiously about. The moment he became aware of his present position he jerked to his feet releasing a panicked screech to the air. He refused to do anything but keep his gaze averted before managing, "What...what did I just...do, Jack?"

He swallowed hard clenching his eyes tightly shut as panic continued to fill him. He really didn't want to hear Jack's response, afraid he might have showed his lover just how he learned to "please" his lord. He recalled serving Osiris on his knees by licking... God, he hadn't done that to Jack, had he? HAD HE?

He flushed with embarrassment before jerking his head up to stare at Jack's crotch aware that his pants were still zipped and quickly felt relief mix with embarrassment as he again averted his eyes. He tensed as Jack spoke answering his question, "You...you lowered to your knees and addressed me as lord. You asked how you could serve me."

Daniel nervously licked his dry lips before saying, "That's... I didn't do anything else?"

"No, you didn't."

"Thank God."

Daniel immediately clamped his mouth shut as he realized he had possibly just revealed more to Jack than he had planned. Jack heard the comment and felt nervous about it, but didn't pursue his question. Instead he asked, "Would you like to talk about...?"

"NO! No, no that's all right Jack. No, I'm fine. Really, really Jack."

"Oh...okay, Daniel, okay. I just..."

"I'm fine. Stop worrying. You worry too much."

"It's my job, love... Daniel, you realize that you just..."

"Recognized a trigger? My God!"

"Do you know what the trigger was?"

"What you said, the comment about not having to be shy around you. Osiris said that to me when he ordered me to... He said that to me at one time. I, I need to write it down. Doctor Wentworth said to write them down when I recognized..."

He glanced at Jack seeing his lover smiling and knowing the smile was all for him and his newest accomplishment. He nervously pecked Jack's cheek before saying, "Thank you Jack for, for being... Thank you."

Jack nodded, grateful to see Daniel so proud of his accomplishment. It felt good to see Daniel smile and be thrilled about taking another step in his healing. He pulled Daniel into a hug before pulling away and saying, “Let's go write it down then."

Daniel's smile broadened and he retrieved his notebook making a notation of what he discovered still feeling happy about his ability to recognize a trigger. Jack watched him admiring his lover at work feeling thrilled for Daniel and grateful that Daniel had been returned to him again. Life without Daniel had been the hardest thing for him to bear and now that he was back, now that he had been returned safely Jack had no intention of ever losing him again.

* * * * * *

The Next Day...

Jack arrived at work smiling as Daniel retrieved a cup of coffee before heading to his office telling him he'd see him later in the day. Jack watched him head down the hall hoping that today would run smoothly for his lover. When Daniel was out of his sight he turned and headed to his own office pausing by the infirmary and debating about talking to Janet. She said if he ever needed to talk all he had to do was stop by.

He hesitated but instead of leaving he found himself entering the infirmary and asking Janet if he could speak with her. She nodded her head and led him to her office. He followed as she retrieved a chart saying, "How is Daniel?"

"He's better but..." Jack trailed off before Janet inquired further, "But what?"

He shrugged his shoulders wanting to talk but hesitant then he spoke, "I don't know. Some days he's... Some days are harder than others."

"That's to be expected. How is he coping generally?"

"Oh, um fine...fine."

"Colonel, how is he really handling things?"

Jack looked at Janet prepared to lie to her but unable to quickly finding himself telling her things he'd never planned to speak about, "Sometimes... Sometimes he... He sits for hours, Janet. Hours, and does nothing but stare at the walls or at his lap. He sits there clutching his arms across his chest and just...rocks and rocks. He won't speak to me. He won't tell me a damned thing and when I try to talk to him, when I try to speak to him he just...ignores me, acts as if I'm not even there."

"That's normal Jack. He's dealing with a lot of things and he...he needs his space and time. He needs to think through all that has happened to him and he needs to find a way to accept it...accept it and move on..."

“Yeah right. It's been how many months now?"

"Jack, remember when you returned from Iraq? Remember when Charlie died? How did you feel? How did you cope with everything?"

Jack fell silent for several moments before admitting, "I didn't cope. I drank till I passed out...pushed my wife away, destroyed our marriage..."

"Daniel is simply trying to cope. He's just using a different means of achieving that."

Jack nodded his head in understanding before admitting, "He's a mess, Janet, a complete mess. He... God, I watch him torture himself. I watch him scrub himself so hard in the bath tub until he becomes so frustrated, so pissed off that he hurls the soap and wash cloth against the wall then collapses in on himself rocking incessantly...that's of course on those few times he leaves the bathroom door unlocked... Sometimes it takes him hours Janet, hours to bath. Sometimes he'll jump out of bed and run into the bathroom to shower or...or he leaves the house. I don't know where he goes. I just lie there and listen for his return. When he comes back I pretend I'm asleep keeping my relief silent when I smell no alcohol or cigarettes on him. I smell the woods...soft woodsy, earthy smells...the outside. I think he walks the woods or the neighborhood. God, Janet the only time he really responds to me, really allows me to comfort him is when he's sleeping. When he sleeps and dreams. When he becomes restless and mumbles. He allows me to comfort him. He has nightmares nearly every night and refuses to speak to me about them. I catch snatches of things: words, phrases and pleas but they make no sense to me. I try. I try so hard to make sense of those utterances because that's the only time he does speak to me about what happened. I...I don't know what to do. I...I can't handle this much longer Janet."

She sensed that things weren't quite as extreme as Jack was making them sound, but could tell he was reaching the end of his patience, which could prove a very dangerous thing indeed. She then continued, "You have to, for him. You have to handle it. He needs you desperately. He's just too afraid to let you know that."

"He doesn't need me."

"The fact that he is speaking to you at all is an indicator that he desperately needs you. When he clings to you at night, when he allows you to hold him that's when he's revealing to you just how much he needs you in his life, with him."

"He used to tell me things. Not a lot of things but...now, now he says very little. He keeps everything bottled up so tightly. I try to help him but...but I don't know how. At night he'll sometimes talk to me after he's been dreaming, but that's about the only time he does anymore."

"He probably feels safest with you at night. At night is when it's safest for him to confide. He's probably using the darkness to his advantage telling you things when he can't see how you'll react."

"What? Why wouldn't he want to...?"

"He doesn't want to see the disgust in your eyes, the hatred in your eyes so he speaks to you in the darkness. He let's his shield down at night. He feels safest at night. He knows that if he reaches out for you that you'll be there for him...to calm him, to soothe him and to hold him. He knows, and that's what he desperately needs."

"I want to help him so much and I don't feel like I am..."

"You are. You are, Colonel, just by being there for him. You're helping Daniel more than you realize. He needs you and you're there for him. Don't give up on him. He needs you. You're doing all you can do for him. You may not be able to see how you're helping him but you are."

They continued to talk for a little while longer before Jack excused himself and returned to work. Janet watched him leave feeling the weight of Jack's heavy burdens. She understood his feelings of helplessness and uselessness and she also knew that Jack was doing all he could for Daniel. She was grateful that Daniel had Jack to turn to. She was glad that they had one another, for it would make the path of healing so much easier for the two of them to traverse.

* * * *

That evening, Jack entered their bedroom smiling when he heard the shower on and saw that the door was slightly ajar. Could that mean Daniel was finally relaxed enough to leave the door unlocked now or was the door open because Daniel was certain that he was alone? He wondered about that. Ever since his return Daniel has been adamant about locking the door to the bathroom when showering. It bothered him something fierce to know that his reason for doing so was to keep his lover out. He knew that's what it was. Daniel was afraid to trust him and afraid to be caught in the shower all alone. He could understand Daniel having such a fear as that after what he had gone through during the past year. What he didn't know was what had created the fear and made the fear so strong. What had Osiris done to Daniel when he was bathing? He didn't want to believe that anything had happened at all. He wanted to believe that Daniel had been allowed at least some privacy, but something told him that rarely happened. He sensed that Osiris stole even that. He was certain that privacy was a very hard thing to come by while Daniel had served the Goa'uld lord and if that were the case...

He had an idea. Janet had told him to be patient and understanding several times and earlier in the day she had told him that the only time Daniel felt "safe" with him was when he was asleep. Well, he was about to change that and the first thing he was going to work on was Daniel's fear of being caught alone in the shower. He shouldn't be afraid of that. No one should. When you bathed you shouldn't have to worry incessantly that someone might do something to you while you're there. He made up his mind. Today he was going to start working on helping Daniel with more of his issues whether he wanted that help or not and the first issue was going to be teaching him that he didn't have to be afraid in the shower.

He quietly undressed before approaching the bathroom door. He pushed on it slowly opening it to see his lover, catching his breath when he could see the man's silhouette outlined so perfectly on the shower curtain. He could smell soap in the air around him and inhaled the fresh clean scent. He debated about closing the door deciding it would be safest if he left it ajar that way if Daniel panicked he would have an escape route. The last thing he wanted to do was trap Daniel and deny him an escape route because he was certain that was one of the many things Osiris had done to gain control over him. He was certain that Osiris resorted to cornering Daniel, trapping him before descending upon him and he wasn't about to repeat that method of gaining control over his lover.

He approached the shower gently easing the shower curtain aside stopping to gawk openly at his lover, admiring that broad tanned back, the thin waist that led to pert round cheeks, that set of sinewy legs...shit, he was hard! Damn it would that scare Daniel too, knowing that seeing him naked could make his partner rock hard? Well there was little he could do about that for Daniel always could turn him on with a single glance. He inhaled deeply reminding himself to move slowly and not to frighten. He had to be slow, gentle and careful about everything. Certain that he had control over himself he stepped into the shower behind his lover pulling the curtain closed behind him.

He stood still watching Daniel as he tossed his head back exposing his face to the spray of the shower. His eyes were closed and he looked magnificent, beautiful and oh so goddamn sensual. He swallowed hard again taking a deep calming breath before moving closer to him. He was slow and careful as he placed his hands on each of Daniel's shoulders feeling his lover immediately tense up holding his body as taut as a damned bowstring. Shit, what the hell had Osiris done to him to create that kind of reaction upon initiating contact? He swallowed hard feeling the pain his lover had experienced for so long sweeping over him. He knew he had to reassure Daniel quickly so he bent down to press a kiss to the hollow of Daniel's throat before whispering, "Hey you."

A smile stretched across his face as the tense body before him suddenly relaxed and instead of releasing a scream of terror Daniel released a soft arousing moan asking in a sensual tone of voice that made his blood pump even faster through his veins, "Jack, what are you...?"

He responded to that question sounding suddenly breathless as his need for Daniel grew in intensity, "I'm joining you."

"Joining but...but..."

He interrupted Daniel in mid-complaint as he said, "Now before you get excited I'm just going to touch and kiss you. That's all. I won't do any more or any less...except maybe scrub your back..."

"But Jack..."

"Shh, hush."

"But...I don't..."

Jack silenced that complaint by pressing another kiss to Daniel's throat and bringing his body within an inch of Daniel's own not yet pressing skin against skin, but letting Daniel feel his body heat in the closeness and brushing his buttocks lightly with the head of his now engorged cock.

Daniel tensed upon feeling that hardened organ teasing his buttocks and became aware that he was suddenly breathing heavier, a tinge of panic filling him. As if Jack sensed that he was heading quickly towards an all-out panic attack he questioned in a firm voice, "Who am I?"

Daniel was confused by that question prompting him to ask one of his own, "What?"

Again Jack's soothing voice filled his ears, "Who am I, Daniel?"

"Jack that's a stupid..."

"No. I want you to tell me who I am."

"Why?"

"Because..."

"Because?"

"Look, Daniel, humor me. Who am I?"

Choosing to humor his lover as requested he immediately announced, "Jack," and felt that edge of panic threatening to consume him abate a little. Jack. He was with Jack. Jack his lover. Jack his friend. Jack his companion and partner. He was with Jack. He had no reason to be afraid. No reason because he trust... No, no he didn't trust anyone anymore. No, not trust he...knew, yes he knew that Jack would not harm him or trap him or corner him. He was certain even now that the door to the bathroom was still ajar. He was confident that Jack would have done so to help him feel safe. Assured in the knowledge that Jack would have taken such consideration for his lover Daniel allowed himself to relax further and listen, just listen to Jack.

Jack's voice fell around him like a caress as Jack pressed a kiss to his ear before softly whispering, "And what am I to you?"

Daniel started to answer, "My..." and stopped as he began to feel a bit silly questioning, "Jack...?"

Again another kiss found his ear as Jack whispered in that sensual, sexy drawl of his, "What am I to you?"

Daniel moaned feeling his blood heating up as Jack's closeness and tone of voice succeeded in charging him up and making him yearn for things he feared, making him yearn for things he desperately wanted but was too afraid to request, making him yearn for things that terrified him to death. He swallowed hard before releasing the answer to Jack's question in a sigh, "My lover."

Jack smiled as he noticed Daniel relaxing further. He continued pressing kisses to the side of Daniel's face, his neck and his beautiful ear as he added, "Yes, your lover and I love you, Daniel. I want to be with you. I won't hurt you. Relax and FEEL what I'm doing to you. Feel, allow yourself to feel, Daniel."

Allow himself to feel? No he couldn't do that. It was too dangerous, too dangerous to feel. He couldn't allow that and quickly started putting voice to his thoughts, "Jack this..." but Jack urged him to hush as he continued to encourage, "Shh. Feel me Daniel. Feel what I'm doing to you. Just allow yourself to feel."

Allow...allow... Hmm, he could feel Jack's hands on his shoulders, feel his body so close yet not touching, feel the desire in the hard tip that even now was brushing his ass and sending all sorts of messages to his brain, but then he forced himself to block out those feelings beginning to deny what was happening, "But..."

Of course Jack would have none of it as he continued in that sensual husky voice, "Shh...shh...feel my lips on your skin..."

He then leaned down to press a kiss to Daniel's neck forcing Daniel to focus all attention on what he was doing. As he felt that light kiss being pressed to his damp skin he swallowed hard aware that Jack was stirring him up with mere words, making him dare to feel things that he didn't want to feel. He opened his mouth to protest but all that escaped was a soft moan of pleasure as Jack whispered, "Feel my hands on your body..."

"Hmm Jack...Jack..."

"Feel my body heat..."

As Jack closed that small gap between their bodies pressing his warm skin against his own Daniel felt as if an electric current suddenly sparked within, arching through his body triggering every nerve to feel the pleasure in that skin on skin contact. His breath caught and before he knew it he was pressing back into that body jumping as that hard organ that had been moments before only brushing his ass lightly was now nudging at him, pressing against his middle making him desperately ache and long to open up and allow it entrance into his fiery inner core. His mouth dried up as his own organ grew harder and the floodgates of feeling, of yearning, of pleasure, of passion flew open.

Jack sensing the change within his lover forced himself to go no further knowing that if he pushed too hard all his work here would unravel before he even got started. He ached to enter Daniel but knew that doing so now could potentially backfire making Daniel even more afraid of physical contact than he was already. He pressed another kiss to Daniel's ear before blowing warm breath across it making Daniel unconsciously shiver with pleasure. He then asked the question he had upon initiating contact, "Who am I, Daniel? Who am I?"

"Hmm...feels good..."

"Daniel, who am I?"

"Who..."

"Tell me who I am Daniel. Say my name."

"Jack, Jack, Jack..."

"Again."

"Jack wha..."

"Say my name again."

"Jack..."

"Yes Jack and I love you, Daniel. I love you."

"Love you too...Jack...need you..."

His smile broadened as Daniel uttered those words. He deliberately told Daniel to say his name wanting Daniel to remain with him and not to slip into that trance he seemed to slide into as soon as touch became sexual. He didn't want another repeat performance of Daniel's begging his lord for sex. Those times scared the hell out of him and he didn't like them at all. He wanted Daniel to know the difference between him and Osiris, to know it and to feel it. He didn't want anymore of those flashbacks to creep up when he stroked Daniel or kissed him, or even cuddled him.

As Daniel allowed his head to drift back against him Jack kissed him again moving closer against him to support him. He questioned, "Daniel, what are you thinking?"

"Hmm...truthfully?"

"Yeah."

"That I want to fuck you silly."

Jack reddened upon hearing that statement feeling slightly embarrassed. Another thing he noticed since Daniel's return is that though he was now severely shy with initiating sex he was very bold when discussing the issue. He didn't think twice about saying "fuck" or anything like that. It was as if Osiris had always spoken crudely about sex and Daniel adopted that crudeness, which also bothered him. He sensed that to Osiris sex was something expected, something to be used to control, something to be used for pleasure. He was positive that Osiris didn't make love to Daniel instead he fucked him repeatedly for sport or something. He used Daniel's body for pleasure. He didn't love the man he was using...or maybe he did and the snake just had a twisted, demented way of showing it. He found himself asking, "Did he...love you at all Daniel?" and cursing when he realized what he'd said.

Daniel stiffened before answering, "He said he did. Whether that was true or not...I don't know. He did release me because he loved me but... Yes I think he loved me...in his own way."

"In his own way?"

"Yes."

"Did he... Did... When the two of you, you know, did he love you then Daniel or did he simply view...that as...as if he had conquered..."

"Jack he fucked me and I fucked him. That was all there was...that was all I surrendered to him."

"Your body?"

"Yes...but never my love, Jack. Never that."

"Did you...desire him, Daniel?"

Daniel tensed closing his eyes and swallowing hard wanting to answer that question but so very afraid to. Did he desire his lord? Yes he had. Hell, he had begged it to fuck him often. His lord could trigger his desire with one simple stroke, look or word. All he had to do was cast a certain gaze his direction and Daniel knew instantly that he was being commanded to serve his lord intimately. He remembered that look so well. One look would have him instantly lowering to his knees and bowing his head in submission before he released the plea, the request his lord had expected from him, 'How may your slave serve you, My Master?'

He moaned softly as he could see in his mind's eye his lord standing over him, assessing him before lifting his chin and gazing into his still downcast eyes as he offered Daniel that smug, pleased smirk before ordering in that gravelly voice, "I want you in our bed, my sweet."

"Yes Master."

"Rise and wait for me there while I tell My'la that we are not to be disturbed...for any reason."

"Yes My Master."

Daniel remained on his knees awaiting the dismissal his master had yet to utter, rising instantly when he was granted the right. He quickly approached the bed knowing that if he hesitated his lord would call two guards to physically escort him there, and once they had him pinned to the bed they would proceed to secure him to it spread eagled. He shuddered in response to his thoughts for Osiris always seemed to draw some twisted pleasure from having him secured before him, staked out like a sacrificial lamb before the slaughter. His lord would then spend much time openly ogling him and lecturing him on why he must obey every command without hesitation.

As he settled on the bed he focused intently on his lord watching as Osiris slowly sauntered over to him feeling the tension and heat intermingling in his body in response to the predatory gaze being directed his way. As Osiris focused on the bedpost before eyeing his wrist Daniel felt a mix of fear and desire thrum through his body knowing that his lord was considering having him secured for the evening...

Daniel flinched shaking his head as he tried to silence the memory threatening to consume him finding himself speaking without thought or consideration as he asked a question that disturbed him greatly, "Jack, if I were to refuse you now what would you do to me?"

Silence was his answer, silence and the obvious tension now coursing in Jack's body. He closed his eyes tightly shut as he immediately regretted asking such a question and fearing what the simple inquiry might have unintentionally revealed to his lover. Stupid, that was stupid! How could he have been so stupid? What would Jack say if he were to reveal that he had allowed his lord to secure him to the bed to fuck him and to toy with him? What would Jack say about that? Why did these stupid memories keep intruding and forcing him to remember things he'd sooner forget? Why the hell did the stupid memories surface at the most inopportune times? Why? He waited on edge for Jack to speak, afraid of what he would say or do knowing that he had made a mistake by revealing to Jack that yes he had been secured in place in the past by Osiris. He hadn't actually said that he was secured, but what else could he have meant when he asked what Jack would do to him if he refused? Shit why didn't he just shout at the top of his lungs that several times throughout his service to Osiris he allowed himself to be secured to the damned bed for the evening? DAMN!

Several long seconds lapsed before Jack spoke again breaking the tense silence Daniel found himself in, "I would respect your decision Daniel. You know that I would."

"Yes...perhaps..."

"Perhaps? Daniel..."

"Would it...anger you?"

"No, Daniel. Why are you asking me this?"

"Um curious...curiosity."

"Uh-huh curiosity? Tell me Daniel did Osiris...?"

Sensing his response to that question could brook a huge argument Daniel settled for, "I was his personal attendant, Jack. I belonged to him. I was OWNED by him."

Jack inhaled sharply before replying to those statements, "In other words he gave you no choices?"

"Slaves don't have any choices, Jack."

"No I suppose they don't."

Silence fell between them for several moments before Daniel interjected, "Sometimes he would respect my wishes, my feelings...my thoughts... Sometimes."

"But not always?"

"No. No. I think he liked controlling me too much to be that lenient with me, but he tried Jack. He did try to respect me, and my wishes. He tried..."

"I see."

"Do you?"

"Daniel..."

"Do you realize what I truly was to him, Jack? I responded to him yes. I won't deny that. I can't deny that, but... I had no other choice available to me Jack. I had no choice BUT to do as he commanded. I had no choice but to serve him in whatever way he commanded."

Jack remained silent contemplating Daniel's words and recalling all the times he'd woken in the night begging his lord not to touch him. He knew that Daniel had served as more than Osiris' liaison, but he hated to even consider just WHAT Osiris had truly demanded from his lover. He tensed when Daniel spoke again interrupting his thoughts as he quietly informed, "I was always the one he desired. He never once cast me aside for another. He wanted me in his bed always. He couldn't get enough of me. Zeenan said that he used to have more than one partner in bed, until he met me. I became the only one he wanted, he desired, yearned for... There were times when I prayed that he would select another, but he never did. Even when I was injured or unable to perform for him he refused to turn to another. He waited for me and only me..."

Even when he was injured or unable to perform Osiris had waited for him, wanted only him? WHAT? Jack closed his eyes tightly shut becoming aware that he had tightened his hold considerably on his lover when Daniel suddenly winced before beginning to squirm against him. He opened his eyes and immediately eased his hold some asking, "Daniel, what's wrong? Daniel..."

"Let me go. Jack, please let me go."

"No, Daniel, no."

"JACK!" Hearing the edginess and anxiousness in his lover's voice Jack spoke soothingly, "Not until you calm down."

"I'm calm. I'm calm."

"You're breathing too fast. You're panicking Daniel."

"I'm...not, no...I'm..."

Jack kept his voice calm, reassuring and tender as he prompted, "Daniel, who am I?"

"Jack this...this..."

He tensed as he heard the sudden wheezing in Daniel's breathing and knew that if he didn't break through to his lover Daniel would slide into another panic attack so he continued to prompt him keeping his voice calm and controlled as he again questioned, "Who am I? Who? Say it. Say my name. Repeat it over and over...please, Daniel."

"Jack...Jack...Jack, Jack..."

Feeling relief start to enter him as Daniel seemed to be regaining control of his breathing Jack continued to speak tenderly to him certain he knew just what had triggered Daniel's panic response and determined to set things right, "Daniel, I don't hate you. I'm not disgusted by what you just told me. I'm angry but not with you."

"Jack...Jack..."

"When you said he would never choose another even when you were injured or unable to perform I became enraged. Not with you Daniel, with him. It angers me to learn that he also hurt you, injured you..."

"Jack...Jack, please..." Daniel started calming listening to Jack's voice and tuning out all other sound, all other stimuli until there was only Jack. He then turned his head pressing the right side of his face against Jack's own and resting his head on Jack's shoulder as he placed a hand firmly over Jack's now entwined hands secured firmly about his waist holding him close. He then continued his small request, "Hold me. Please just...hold me."

"It would be an honor, love. It would be an honor."

And so they remained standing in the bath tub with the shower water still beating down on them Jack holding Daniel as his lover continued to relax and calm in his arms.

As he entered the bedroom afterwards he felt irritable and didn't understand why. The shower he had just taken was the first one in a long time that was calming, yet he felt more irritated now. Why did he feel so aggravated? Jack had joined him, helping him bath and holding him, yet now he felt...annoyed. Not with Jack or anyone else he just had the overwhelming desire to lash out at something or someone. He shook his head noting that Jack was already in bed and quickly joined him. Unfortunately the moment he got into bed Jack was reaching for him, probably determined to hold him. As Jack touched him he softly snarled, "Don't touch me."

Shocked at the reaction Jack replied with a tender, "What? Daniel..." and reached for him again. Daniel jumped nearly launching himself out of bed as he yelled, "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Daniel, what's wrong? What's wrong, love?"

"Nothing, Jack, nothing. I'd like to get some sleep is all..."

As Daniel settled with his back to him Jack felt his heart breaking for his lover. Daniel was angry again and like usual he was lashing out in anger. He knew he should just leave Daniel alone, knew he should do as Daniel asked, but he couldn't. He tried and found that his conscience wouldn't let him, so he leaned over and pulled the stubborn, angry archaeologist into his arms hearing Daniel cursing and struggling against him. He refused to let him go choosing to spoon up behind his young lover and again try to match his breathing with Daniel's own inhalations. Daniel continued to squirm and curse but soon gave up resisting when Jack refused to yield to his demands.

Daniel cursed when Jack had refused to listen to him choosing instead to wrap his arms firmly around him and spoon up behind him. He hated to admit it but despite his sour mood Jack's stubborn refusal to release him and his steadfast persistence made him feel good. It felt good to be held by Jack, to be held by his lover even when he was being a pain in the ass. He continued to squirm in Jack's arms not sure if it was because he wanted Jack to release him or because he wanted Jack to continue holding him despite his protests. As he started to settle and close his eyes he determined that he had been fighting his lover to see what he'd do and when Jack refused to release him his faith in his lover increased, his trust in Jack was starting to return, but it would be a very long time before he trusted so blindly again. Osiris had shown him that trust was a joke and had successfully managed to destroy his. He shook his head and released a soft sigh of remorse as he again realized how much Osiris had stolen from him. He then found himself curling up tighter and pressing firmer against his lover needing the close contact. He thought Jack was asleep until his lover inquired, "Daniel, are you all right?"

"Um...not, not really..."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not...not right now, Jack, maybe...maybe later if...if that's..."

"That's fine with me. Go to sleep."

Daniel fell silent and Jack thought certain he was complying until he softly added, "Thank...thank you Jack for... for..."

"You're welcome, love. You're welcome. Now go to sleep. I've got you."

Daniel nodded as he settled, snuggling deeper into Jack's embrace before closing his eyes, feeling like he could finally rest. As Jack pressed a kiss to his cheek Daniel smiled and snuggled more feeling safe and secure in Jack's loving arms.

* * * * * *

Several Nights Later...

As arms wrapped around him from behind and he was pulled gently back against a warm broad chest the only response he could manage to release was a soft whispered sigh and moan of both pleasure and relief. He closed his eyes allowing those arms to tighten around him knowing who held him, confident that he was safe and wouldn't be harmed. As he realized that he felt relaxed a soft smile spread across his face. He moaned again as he felt warm moist lips press to the side of his neck before warm breath bathed his ear as his partner whispered, "Hello, lover. How are you?"

He continued sighing in contentment, feeling a little giddy knowing that Jack was again taking the time to visit him while he showered. He also felt a bit relieved when his body didn't seem to be going into full alert upon physical contact. Thank heavens!

Daniel softly questioned, "Aren't you supposed to be doing something else, Jack?"

"Nope."

"Jack didn't Sam...?"

"Sam will wait. Right now it's my time to be with you."

“Jack she'll..."

"Hush."

"You're supposed to be working."

"I am working...with you..."

"Jack..."

"Don't argue with me, love. I'm on a mission."

"You're on a mission? Jaaack..."

He smiled as he spoke in a husky tone of voice, "I'm on a very important covert mission... I'm not leaving here. I'm going to keep on joining you in the shower until you learn that you no longer have to lock the door..."

Daniel tensed briefly upon hearing those words, but as Jack nuzzled his neck planting more soft kisses in the hollow of it Daniel spoke words that came out a bit more strained then planned, "Do you have any idea how vulnerable you are in the shower, Jack?"

Jack paused in the midst of lavishing Daniel's neck to consider his words before replying, "No. I've never felt vulnerable when showering, Daniel."

Daniel swallowed hard hesitating for the briefest of moments before speaking again, "Well I know. I was taught that lesson well Jack. When you shower you have nothing to hide behind. You are completely naked...naked, defenseless and so easy to trap..."

Oh God, did those words ever hurt upon impact. He tried to speak, to say something, anything in response to Daniel's admission, but he didn't know how to react to such an unexpected admission. He felt his anger and rage boiling towards the surface again but fought valiantly to keep a tight rein on them as he asked a question he was certain would remain forever unanswered, "Is that what he did to you Daniel? Trap you when you were..."

"Defenseless? Unaware? Not paying enough attention? Distracted? When I felt as if I had found some solace no matter how minute it was, Jack? Yes, of course he did. You know that. You know them, what they're capable of, what they desire, what they strive for..."

"Power?"

"Domination."

Jack shivered upon hearing that one word finding himself wondering how one word could sound so sinister. Domination...complete and total domination over everyone and everything...that especially included slaves, which meant that Osiris tried to gain complete control over his lover, and probably did whatever he could to attain such a goal.

Why did that come as such a shock to him? He knew what the Goa'uld were capable of and he knew what one did when they viewed others as possessions. To the phoenix lord Daniel was a possession. He was a pretty creature that could be placed on display. He was a challenge, he was spirited, he was beautiful and he had a pure heart. Every one of Daniel's strengths would be a temptation to anyone to destroy. He closed his eyes as he silently cursed the system lord who had managed to succeed where so many others had failed. He got his hands on Daniel and he had managed to hold onto him...for an entire year and he probably spent every single day trying to conquer Daniel, trying to assert his control and trying to dominate him, trying to prove to Daniel that he was powerless, helpless, defenseless and exceedingly vulnerable. DAMN IT!

Jack helped Daniel out of the bath and began to dry him with a towel before wrapping it around his hips and cinching it softly encouraging, "Come on Daniel. Come," as he took Daniel's hand and started tugging him towards the door.

Feeling suddenly nervous Daniel shook his head quickly finding a plausible excuse not to go with his lover, "Jack I need to get dressed I..."

Jack sensing Daniel's fear and uncertainty forged ahead hoping he could convince Daniel that what he wanted was simple, "No, no, no. Come. Let's lay down..."

Lay down? Daniel swallowed spastically before shaking his head and saying, "No Jack really I...I... No please."

"Come on Daniel. All I want to do is hold you, that's all."

He pulled back feeling nervous about being almost naked in the bedroom. He again tried to refuse, "No, really..." but his pleas fell on deaf ears, for Jack was determined to lead him over yet another dangerous hurdle he had to clear on his path of healing, "Look let's just lay down for a few minutes. Just let me hold you."

"Jack I really don't feel comfortable..."

"Let's just try it. You tell me when to stop. Speak up when it becomes too uncomfortable for you."

Daniel hung his head nervously nibbling his bottom lip before he whispered, "I'm already uncomfortable, Jack. I, I don't know...I just..."

Jack felt Daniel's pain and knew that he should stop pressuring him, but he also wanted to help him. Daniel couldn't spend the rest of his life afraid of touch and the only way to get him comfortable with it was to take it slow and urge him to accept just a little bit more. He watched Daniel determined to stop if Daniel's tension and fear increased any more than it already was. He cupped Daniel's face in his hands as he softly questioned, "Who am I?"

Daniel lifted his panicked gaze to Jack before asking in confusion, "What?"

"Who am I Daniel?"

Daniel started shaking his head informing, "Jack this won't work it..."

"Who am I Daniel?" Jack persisted.

"Well, you're Jack but..."

"Yes and you know that I won't hurt you. You know..."

"Jack that was before. Now..."

"Now? Now what Daniel?"

"Now I can't... I can't..."

Jack hesitantly finished for him, "Trust? You can't trust me?"

Daniel held his gaze nodding slightly and it hurt, God how it hurt to hear that confession, but Jack refused to give up just yet as he continued, "I won't hurt you, Daniel. You know that you can trust me. You can trust my words..."

Daniel wanted to. Oh how he wanted to but he was so afraid, so very afraid to extend trust even to Jack and it shattered him to know that he couldn't even give Jack that much. God, Jack I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He quietly answered, "Jack please just...please."

"Lay down, love. Can you do that?"

Yes he could but he was already shaking his head no, "Jack..."

Jack saw his lover's distress but was determined so he continued, "Please Daniel let's just try this. Let's try it. Please?"

Try it? Try it? No, "It won't work Jack."

"Maybe not but how do we know unless we try?"

Daniel lowered his gaze and Jack remained silent allowing the question to hover in the air. How did he know that Jack's touch would trigger his fear? How did he know? After all this was Jack, and Jack... This was Jack he could...he could... He'd try this...for Jack, for Jack. He glanced at Jack nodding his head slightly. Jack smiled before replying, "Okay we're just trying this Daniel. If you feel uncomfortable at any time..."

Daniel quickly informed, "Oh don't worry I'll tell you..."

That hurt, oh did that comment hurt but Jack tried to leave it go, determined to try this experiment with Daniel. When he was focused completely on his lover he gently urged, "Lie down for me love. Lie down."

"Jack..."

"Please Danny. Please."

"For...for you? Okay. Okay Jack."

"Not for me Daniel, for you. This is all for you. I'm just here to help you, to support you, to comfort you..."

He nodded slightly before climbing onto their bed and settling feeling nervous as hell. Jack smiled as he gazed at his lover naked but for the towel wrapped haphazardly around his hips. He noticed how the towel clung to Daniel's body revealing more skin than Daniel probably realized. He moaned as he felt his desire continuing to grow for the man on the bed.

Jack forced himself to go slow lowering beside Daniel as he said, "Why don't you lie on your belly, Daniel?"

Daniel complied flicking his tongue out of his mouth to make a quick sweep across his bottom lip before settling on his belly. Jack smiled saying, "How about we start with something simple?"

"Like?"

"Massage..."

Daniel tensed remaining silent several long moments before replying, "I don't think that's a good idea, Jack."

"Why not? I'll take it slow and you just relax into it. If I do anything that upsets you tell me to stop and I will. How's that sound?"

Daniel held Jack's gaze several long minutes before nodding his head yes and drawing in a shaky breath as he tried to maintain his hold on his anxiety and fear. He stiffened as Jack eased over his hips straddling him while gently stroking his hair.

Once settled Jack remained still allowing Daniel the time to adjust to his location. He waited several moments before questioning, "How are you doing, love?"

"Hmm a little ner...nervous but, but I believe it will pass with, with time..."

"Are you ready for me to place my hands on your shoulders, Daniel?"

"Ah no. No not...really just... Give me a few more minutes. Please?"

"No problem, Daniel. We'll go as slow as you need. As slow as you need."

"Thanks Jack. Thank you."

"Are you all right?"

"No. Why...why is this so hard Jack? We've been...you've been touching me so why...?"

"Yes I have been touching you but not quite this intimately yet."

Daniel frowned at those words before inquiring, "The shower wasn't intimate?"

"That was a bit different."

"How?"

"We were standing. You had more power, more maneuverability, more control..."

"And now?"

"Now, now you're lying down and...you're more vulnerable lying down, Daniel. We all are."

"More vulnerable? Jack...?"

“This isn't going to be easy, love."

"I...I know but I at least thought that this...that this would be a bit...easier..."

"It will. In time things will become much easier, but it will take time Daniel."

"How much time Jack?"

"Some things will take longer than others. All of us recover and heal in different ways, at different speeds...some things you get over, some things you won't. Some things will hurt more than other things..."

"But..."

"We'll get through this Daniel. We will. We'll work through this together. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you, love."

Silence stretched between them before Daniel quietly said, "Um, you can touch me now Jack."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I don't want to pressure you into anything. I don't want to rush you."

"You won't Jack. You won't."

"I'll go as slow as you need Daniel. If you feel uncomfortable at all or I touch you somewhere that panics you please speak up. Tell me and together we'll work through it. Promise me you'll tell me when something doesn't feel right. Promise me."

“I...I promise Jack."

"I'm going to put my hands on your shoulders, Daniel. Now relax I'm just going to massage your shoulders and back. Relax."

As Jack placed his hands on Daniel's shoulders Daniel momentarily tensed but soon began to relax, sighing in pleasure as Jack began to work his fingers into the muscles of his shoulders easing the tension out of them slowly. Within minutes he was much more relaxed than when they had started this little experiment.

As Jack worked his fingers into Daniel's pliable flesh his eyes fell to the marks that now were a part of Daniel. As he carefully scanned each fine white line he felt his anger build. He suspected what had caused them but had held back his questions not wanting to pressure Daniel into anything. As he leaned forward to press a tender kiss to the most noticeable scar Daniel gasped and tensed beneath him. Jack kept his voice calm and gentle as he softly questioned, "Daniel who am I?"

Daniel dryly replied, "Um, what?"

"Who am I?"

"Jack why do you always...? Jack..."

Jack smiled as he noticed Daniel starting to relax almost instantaneously before sighing contentedly and saying, "Thank you Jack."

He pressed another kiss to the nasty scar before replying, "Any time, my love, any time."

He continued to massage Daniel's back as they both fell into a comfortable silence. After several more moments Daniel spoke again, "I should...tell you about those."

Jack perked up knowing automatically exactly what Daniel was referring to...his newest array of scars. He tenderly urged, "You will, you will one day when YOU'RE ready, not before. Don't feel you have to discuss things because of me. I want you to tell me about what happened to you, but not because you feel I should know. I want you to decide when you are ready to talk about things not when you believe I want to hear it."

"But Jack..."

"When you're ready to talk about things then do so. Don't push yourself to do something you, yourself, aren't prepared to do."

"But it's not fair to you Jack."

"No Daniel, you're wrong. It's not fair to you..."

"But Jack..."

“When you're ready not before and not after. When you're ready Daniel..."

"Oh...okay Jack if...if..."

"I'm sure Danny. I'm sure."

Jack continued to focus on slowly stroking Daniel's back with the ends of his fingertips. He smiled as Daniel seemed to be relaxing further. He continued working his fingers gently into supple flesh sensitizing all of Daniel's nerve endings. As Jack started to scrape his nails gently across Daniel's back his lover tensed jerking upright in the process. Jack instantly ceased using his nails and returned to running his fingertips across Daniel's back. He swallowed hard as he could hear the rapidness with which Daniel was now breathing. He softly asked, "Would you like me to stop, Daniel?"

A shake of the head was his only answer so he continued to gently stroke Daniel's back with just his fingertips only relaxing when Daniel managed to calm. Jack chose that time to ask, "Fingernails?"

"NO!"

"Daniel, relax. Relax for me love. Relax..." sensing that Daniel was complying Jack continued keeping his voice calm and soothing as he questioned, "Can you tell me why you reacted like that when I used my fingernails?"

Daniel closed his eyes tightly not wanting to speak but finding he couldn't remain silent as he answered, "Part of... Osiris sometimes became...aggressive and would claw me like, like... I don't, I never enjoyed it but he did."

Jack closed his eyes as the confession made him feel somewhat dizzy. Osiris had enjoyed clawing Daniel when they... Why? What...? How often had that happened? He felt anger flood his being but forced the emotion away determined to remain calm and continue massaging Daniel. He listened closely to Daniel for changes in his breathing, soft utterances, gasps, and any indicators that he was uncomfortable or relaxed. He closed his eyes centering himself listening to Daniel's breathing and feeling the smooth skin beneath his fingertips. He tried to attune himself to Daniel smiling when he opened his eyes again and focused on continuing to make the massage soothing, tender and pleasurable.

When he was certain Daniel was relaxed he lowered his head pressing a light kiss to the back of Daniel's neck avoiding the area that still triggered his panic when touched. He closed his eyes as he "saw" the gold collar that had been placed there over a year ago by Osiris. He remembered how the collar shimmered in the light covered in the back by Daniel's golden velvety hair that even now dipped to the base of his neck. He tried to force the memories away tensing as he recalled seeing Daniel with Osiris that final day, but determined not to recall how eagerly he responded to the Goa'uld lord's touch.

As he succeeded in quieting the torturous images and wiping them from his mind temporarily he again returned his focus to Daniel. He smiled as he pressed another kiss below the last one then proceeded to trail kisses to his waist where he paused to carefully lick his lips before pressing his relaxed bottom lip to Daniel's back and drawing it slowly up across the center of Daniel's back pausing only to remoisten them before flicking his tongue across Daniel's now heated flesh. He smiled mischievously as Daniel gasped in pleasure before arching into the arousing strokes. He questioned breathlessly, "Do you like that, Daniel?"

"Mmm, yes, yes Jack, yes. Don't...don't stop, please..."

Hearing the breathlessness in his lover helped fuel his own arousal and he quickly returned to pulling his moist lower lip up across the rest of Daniel's back flicking his tongue out occasionally before using it to make long luxurious strokes up across Daniel's beautiful body. Daniel quivered beneath him as he released a soft pleasurable moan. Jack smiled realizing that he was successfully arousing Daniel without triggering his panic response or his fear. He knew he had to remain cautious and move slowly because any stroke, any lick, any little touch could have the potential to trigger Daniel's panic. He had to relearn the things Daniel enjoyed and learn the things, the places on his lover's body that triggered his panic responses. Osiris had held him for a long time, long enough to create more than one "hot spot" capable of eliciting an all out panic attack in the one he loved, and the only way to destroy those things was to first locate them then work together on conquering them. Massage was one of the fastest ways to do that.

The body tended to remember more than the mind in these kinds of situations and Jack was prepared to unearth all Daniel's memories, including the ones his mind could no longer recall.

He continued to press light kisses to Daniel's now heated flesh admiring the way his lover arched upwards into the strokes and seemed to be purring like a kitten. Daniel was very aroused, but Jack forced himself to go no further. He was determined to help Daniel with the intimacy part of their relationship. He wanted Daniel, wanted to make love to him, to hear him moaning and crying out as together they rode to the heights of passion. He yearned to hear Daniel call out his name when he came but refused to push him. Daniel had to be the one to take their physical contact one step further. Daniel had to be the one to make that decision, to take the leap and surrender his body, his soul to his lover and Jack was certain that he was far from ready. Daniel was still severely shy. He knew; sensed Daniel wanted him yet he was too afraid, too uncertain, and too leery to take their lovemaking one step further. Daniel's self-confidence and self-esteem had taken a near fatal blow when Osiris had striven to destroy him by attempting to conquer him, and now Daniel had to get back what he had lost. He had to find the courage, the strength within to take things another step. He had to be in control and Jack would try his hardest to give Daniel that control. Restraining himself was difficult at times, for his lover was so beautiful, so sensual, so, so...perfect and he greatly desired to make love to him, but that was another thing Daniel needed to control. Daniel needed him to hold back, and he needed to give him back the control he had lost by allowing him to decide when he was ready to do those things. He was content with that for now, though sometimes the cryptic thoughts surfaced and the desire to act on his fantasies reared. Sometimes it was very hard to stop when Daniel needed him to because he wanted the young man so much. He battled with those impulses determined to keep them under wraps for as long as he was able, hoping they'd never surface, for he had no idea what he'd do in such a circumstance and he feared the consequences of such actions.

As he continued to massage Daniel while tormenting him with kisses and gentle strokes he noticed how relaxed his lover was and was grateful. When the massage led to Daniel relaxing so much that he drifted asleep all Jack could do was smile before easing off of him and settling next to him, reveling in pulling a sleeping Daniel into his arms who sighed in pleasure before snuggling in against him. Jack pressed a kiss to Daniel's cheek before reaching down to draw the covers up over them and settled in for the night inhaling deeply the fresh clean scent of soap and shampoo that clung to Daniel and mixed with his lover's heady male scent making him desire to do far more than just hold the peacefully sleeping man in his arms. He held Daniel close and soon was drifting asleep as well.

* * * *

Several hours later Daniel awoke feeling warm and relaxed. He tried to recall where he was and what had happened before sleep had found him. As he heard a quiet snore he recalled that he was with Jack. Jack had been giving him a massage when... He stiffened as he realized he wore only a thin barrier between him and his lover, a single towel was all that separated them. Feeling a bit nervous about his present state of undress Daniel carefully slipped out of the bed turning back to tug the covers gently around his lover admiring the peacefulness with which Jack rested, wishing that he could still sleep as soundly. He felt anxious and afraid certain that he hadn't just awoke for no reason. He was certain that he had been dreaming but couldn't recall what it had been about. All he knew was that it must've been bad, for he felt very cold as he watched his sleeping lover.

He shook his head before quietly making his way to the bathroom to retrieve his robe and boxers. Once he had pulled them on he reentered the bedroom certain that sleep would not find him again for several hours so he approached his slumbering lover, pressed a kiss to his forehead then left the room quietly making his way down the stairs into the darkened living room where he sat down on the couch and closed his eyes tightly as memories of Lord Chandra assailed him. God, was that what he had dreamed about? The time his lord had ordered him to service Chandra? The time when he had been secured with his hands above his head unable to fight or resist as he had been blindfolded and then pawed at?

He shuddered as the memories assailed him making him feel both disgusted and ashamed at the same time. He had allowed his lord to use him in front of others, allowed his lord to offer him to another like he were a slut or a whore. He had allowed it. Why? Why had he so willingly accepted Osiris' punishment? Had he found Chandra intriguing or...? Why the hell had he allowed his lord to secure him? WHY? He felt extremely cold and wrapped his arms tightly around his body, closing his eyes as he began to rock ever so slightly while his mind tried to answer those unspoken questions. He soon found that one particular question continued to surface more than all the others: What do you do when you can't even look your lover in the eyes due to the degrees of shame you feel? He sat in the silence, in the darkness, finding himself contemplating that question. He tossed it around in his head repetitively feeling the question burning deep within and searching for that ever-elusive answer that continually remained just beyond his reach.

He had left Jack again. He had left their bedroom, left the solace of Jack's arms to come down here and stare into the darkness alone. Why couldn't he talk to Jack about his feelings? Why couldn't he talk to Jack about what Osiris had done to him or what he had had to do to survive? Why? Jack had tried so many times, in fact, was still trying to talk to him but he refused to let the man in. Jack would be ashamed. He would be so ashamed if he knew the truth of what had happened during the long year of his captivity. He would be so ashamed and that was why he refused to share anything with him...that was why he still refused to let Jack beyond his shields, because he could never live with his scorn or his ridicule ever.

Shame, shame was a word he knew so well. He had learned what shame was at the hands of his master. His master taught him very well. His master taught him what it meant to feel ashamed of your self, what it meant to be a true slave. His master had taught him what humiliation and degradation meant and taught him to yearn for such sadistic things in his life. His master had taught him how to beg and plead for sex, how to shamelessly offer himself repetitively to the carnal pleasures of another. Oh, his master had taught him so very well. He was the perfect sex slave, willing to go as far as humiliating himself for a few moments of pleasure, of joy in the arms of the one who controlled him completely so again the question came back: what do you do when you can't even look your lover in the eyes due to the degrees of shame you feel? Yes, what do you do?

He heard movement above him and knew that Jack was awake and walking around. Jack was most likely preparing to come downstairs to him and try to speak to him...unless he had decided that such an attempt was useless. Actually he was surprised that Jack even took the time to still ask him how he was or what he was thinking about because he never really answered the questions. He ignored them, ignored every single one and he ignored Jack O'Neill. Oh he loved the man so much...well had loved him at one time when his heart wasn't locked away and the key was still within reach, but now he still couldn't share many of his feelings, emotions or memories with the man he committed himself to for a lifetime. He wondered why Jack even continued to stay around. Why did Jack stay? Why didn't he just...give up?

He stared intently at the wall before him, gazing into the blackness and listening to the sounds of feet as they traversed the stairway. Jack was looking for him. He was searching for him. Why? Why did Jack continue to tolerate his presence? Why?

When his lover approached Daniel remained completely still, refusing to even gaze at the older man or give him any indication that he knew Jack was there. Instead he continued to stare at the wall drawing comfort from the darkness, from the fact that Jack couldn't see his face in the darkness, couldn't see the fine sheen of tears that he refused to release, that he still denied were even there and couldn't see the devastation and humiliation he felt. Darkness was his solace. It kept him safe and blocked Jack out. Darkness was a good thing...at least it had become a good thing for him. He waited on edge as Jack drew to a halt and wondered what the man was doing, what he was thinking.

Jack had woken the moment Daniel had got out of bed and raced downstairs. He knew that Daniel had suffered another nightmare and knew that he had run away to keep his torment and suffering silent. Daniel was hiding again. He was hiding himself from his lover. He stared at the ceiling for several long minutes listening on edge for the familiar sound of the door to open or his car to start, but when neither of those sounds flowed up to him he was certain that Daniel had chosen to run to the living room tonight. He knew that he should attempt to approach him but wondered if he should even bother. Every time Daniel denied him or refused to even acknowledge him it hurt so badly; he wasn't sure if he even wanted to take the time to approach Daniel, but of course his heart won out like always and before he realized it he was halfway down the stairs heading for the living room. He drew to a halt at the bottom of the steps seeing Daniel sitting staring ahead of him not moving. He then turned preparing to go back upstairs realizing that this was a mistake but again he found himself drawn to the lonely man he loved so much. He stopped behind Daniel remaining silent for the longest time before finding his voice to softly inquire, "Daniel what are you doing down here?"

When Daniel turned his head ever so slightly Jack took that as a sign of encouragement and quickly moved around the couch depositing himself beside his silent lover before gently prodding, "Well...what are you doing down here?"

Again the silence swirled around them falling on him like a dark shroud. He felt his heart aching as Daniel still refused to speak to him or even look at him. How could he help him? How could he help Daniel if he insisted on ignoring him and thwarting his every attempt to soothe and comfort him? How? He shook his head sadly preparing to rise and return to the bedroom when Daniel's voice stopped his movements in their tracks, "I had a nightmare again..."

"The same one?"

Daniel turned to focus on him shock evident on his face and reflecting in his eyes as he softly inquired, "What do you mean the same one?"

"The one where they attack you and you...and Zeenan helps you? Or was it the nightmare about Chandra..."

Daniel gasped and jerked his gaze away from Jack feeling suddenly very afraid, uncertain and scared. Jack realized his mistake and quickly attempted to make an apology, "I'm sorry Danny it's none of my business. I shouldn't have..."

"How...how do you...how do you know about...about Chandra?"

Jack lowered his gaze as he replied, "You...you, uh...talk in your sleep sometimes."

As Daniel tensed even more Jack was quick to inform, "Sometimes, Daniel, only sometimes."

"What do...what do I say?"

"Uh...well, do you really want to...?"

"I really want to know, Jack. I need to know."

"You beg...beg them to...to leave you alone. You beg them to stop...stop touching you. You beg Osiris to stop touching you also. You..."

Daniel's face blanched as Jack spoke of Osiris. Daniel immediately hung his head as he choked out, "So you...you know what he, what they...you know."

"I only know what those dreams tell me, Daniel. Whether they are accurate or not...that much I don't know. I...when you responded... Did...did you try to escape? You said you...you said he hurt you when you..."

Daniel glanced up at Jack briefly before down casting his eyes and interlocking his fingers. He stared at his tightly clenched hands as he answered, "Yes."

“Yes? Yes, what do you mean?"

"Yes he...he hurt me. He...he punished me for...for running."

Jack tensed feeling his heart pounding as rage speared him at the same time that he realized Daniel was actually speaking TO him. He watched the man beside him silently urging him to continue. When Daniel remained silent he questioned, "He punished you? How did he...punish you Danny?" swallowing hard as he could see the multiple scars across Daniel's back in his mind's eye, aware that a whip usually created those kinds of marks. He focused on Daniel as the young man stuttered, "Um you know the usual way..."

Tensing Jack forced the next question passed his lips, "Which was how exactly?"

"Um...enough to hurt me..."

"Daniel..."

"Wha...what?"

"That still doesn't answer my question. How did Osiris punish you for your escape attempts?"

Daniel started to wring his hands together, and swallowed reflexively as his anxiety began to build. He tried to comprehend just why he was talking about this to Jack. Jack didn't...he swore he wouldn't tell Jack anything, yet here he sat telling him that Osiris punished him for escaping? Why? Why was he speaking now? He wanted to stop, knew that he should stop before he revealed more to Jack than he wanted, but he couldn't make himself stop. He sighed loudly as he answered, "I...I spoke to you at those times you know. I was so feverish after...after the beatings...I...I hallucinated I think. He said I called for you..."

Jack gasped and paled recalling many times he awoke to Daniel's pleas and feverish rants before inquiring, "You...you were feverish? You spoke to me? When, Daniel, when?"

Daniel lifted his gaze to Jack in puzzlement. Why was Jack asking him that question? Why did he sound so strange? He shook his head blaming the odd inflections in Jack's voice on the impact of his words. He then continued, "Yes. The lashings produced the fever... I...he was so angry when I escaped. He made me...made me beg for his forgiveness, but first, first I was lashed...lashed for disobedience then locked in our bedchamber left unattended until my lord determined that I was worthy enough to be tended to."

Gritting his teeth, Jack started to voice his outrage, "Worthy enough to...? What the hell?"

"Jack the penalty for escape was death. My Lord showed me mercy when he ordered me lashed."

"Your lord? Why do you still call him that?"

Daniel hung his head as he clenched his eyes shut before proceeding, "Because that is how I was to address him, unless he grew angry with me. It was at those times I was to address him as my master."

Jack balled his fists up at his sides and mentally cursed. Damn it, Osiris demanded Daniel call him his lord and his master? That son of a bitch! He punished Daniel by...by... As Daniel's explanation of his punishment filled his mind Jack hissed saying, "He lashed you? You mean he whipped you? He WHIPPED you to punish you?"

"Yes Jack he did."

Anger filled him but he couldn't understand why it was so intense. He had known, had suspected that Daniel had been lashed from the moment he saw Daniel's scarred back. He knew that a whip was most likely the cause, yet he didn't feel extremely enraged until Daniel told him with his very own words what punishment he had suffered. Hearing Daniel say those words had sent his blood boiling, and he wanted nothing more than to destroy Osiris. When it became apparent that Osiris would never pay for what he had done to Daniel he voiced his frustration loudly, "He whipped...that fuckin' son of a bitch! He whipped you? WHY?"

"Because that was the punishment he selected for me. When I was recaptured after my attempted escapes he always lashed me first, then he would leave me unattended for several hours or days depending on his mood at the time, then he would attend to me. Sometimes he would use the healing device and sometimes he wouldn't. As further punishment he forbade me to address myself using pronouns. I had to call myself his slave, his servant, this slave, your slave...I wasn't allowed to... He addressed me as his slave and his pet demanding that I call him master until I remembered what I was to him..."

"WHAT?"

"I was his slave Jack. His slave and his servant...he collared me and put a leash on me. He demanded complete obedience and complete reverence from me. I was his favored. I belonged to him. He owned me Jack. He marked me as his and he chained me to his side. I was his property. I was his to do with as he pleased..."

"Daniel..."

"Jack he did a lot of...he demanded a lot of things from me throughout my entire captivity. He demanded a lot of things from me that I am very ashamed of. He did a lot of things to me that I will never tell you...not because I want to hurt you or push you away but because I can't... There were many things, Jack... I...I was debased by him. I was...I was humiliated by him... I was...I...I can't talk to you about those things Jack, not yet but someday...maybe someday I will, right now I just...can't."

"Oh...okay... Um, Daniel did...are the marks on your back from...from the lash?"

"Um yes...he used the healing device, so a few still remain..."

Jack inhaled sharply before swallowing hard and asking, "He used the healing device?"

"Yes but not always right away. He wanted me to...learn from my scars, but he also didn't want a severely marred slave Jack. He wanted a perfect slave, perfect in every way. He wanted my skin flawless so he could keep me up for display, but he also wanted faint marks to remain. He viewed my scars as...brands, his brand upon my body. To him that made me perfect. I um...I...I didn't wear much in the clothing department during my...stay with him."

"I noticed that you were very scantily clad on the day that he released you."

A pink tinge highlighted Daniel's cheeks in response to that statement, but he ignored his momentary embarrassment as he continued, "Oh yes. He...I was a trophy to him. I was his prized slave, his prized eunuch...I was his favored. I represented his ability to conquer others, for one who was so savage and so beautiful would be a challenge to anyone who dared to control them."

"What?"

"His words not mine. He said that I was wild and untamed. He said that I served him willingly, yet inside I defied him. He said that I was a most beautiful creature but that I was a savage beast. He...he wanted to possess me and to own me completely. He did whatever he could to maintain his complete control over me. I was a challenge to him and I...appealed to him on more than a basic level. He...he desired not only to control me completely but to claim me as his alone."

"To claim you? Just how did he plan to...claim you Daniel?"

Daniel refused to acknowledge that question not wanting to tell Jack anything more. He was determined to remain silent but found that he wanted to talk still, so he changed the subject asking a question himself, "Would you still love me if you knew the things he did to me and the things he made me do to him, for him?"

"What?"

He shook his head cursing as he realized he verbalized a question he meant to keep silent. He quickly thwarted any attempt that Jack might make to answer the question by saying, "Never...never mind Jack."

Jack paused before answering, "Yes, Daniel, I would."

Jerking his head up in surprise Daniel asked, "What?"

"I would still love you if I knew everything he did to you. I will always love you and no one can ever change that. Ever Daniel."

"But..."

"No, no buts... I love you. I always have and I always will. I love you, Daniel."

He reached out to Daniel placing his hands on the young man's shoulders and encouraging him to come to him. When Daniel slowly slid into his arms Jack released the tense breath he hadn't realized he was holding, thankful that Daniel had accepted his offer. He entwined his arms around his lover holding him close and relaxing further as Daniel wrapped his own arms around him before propping his head on Jack's right shoulder. Jack smiled softly when he could feel Daniel's warm breath against his neck as he breathed and was glad that Daniel had accepted his offer of comfort. He spoke softly again, "I love you, Daniel. I wish you'd believe that."

Daniel said nothing only closing his eyes as a single tear slipped down over his cheek as he silently wished that he could also believe Jack.

Next:

WHEN DARKNESS FALLS

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