Personal Sacrifice Part 21

By: Stacy L.

THE MIDDLE GROUNDS

Walking a Tight Rope

Daniel whimpered as his mind dared to send him back in time to his captivity. No, no, NO! He would not do this again! He wouldn't allow himself to go back there again. NO! But even as he cranked the shower up a notch and made the water scolding hot the images still refused to abate, the memories still refused to leave him alone. He clenched his eyes tightly shut as he leaned forward pressing his hands palms down firmly against the wall before him, automatically spreading his legs hip length apart, as well as his arms. He lowered his head moaning as images continued to flash before him. Images of the rack, of the feel of soft leather as it kissed his flesh, the smell of sex in the air as his lord drew from his unyielding body again and again. He tossed his head back opening his mouth prepared to scream as he suddenly felt the cloth being forced between his lips, the manacles being locked about his wrists and ankles and hands groping at his body as a tantalizing voice tormented him...

Daniel tensed as his lord ordered him to stand within the metal rack. As he gazed about him he felt extremely nervous. The room looked like a torture chamber full of devices that could do God only knew what to the human body. As he focused on the object his lord ordered him to stand before he felt a mix of fear and excitement flood him. He found that he was speechless as he directed his gaze forward, staring at the sinister looking object rising before him. He knew, sensed that he would be restrained within the crude metal contraption and felt the overwhelming urge to turn tail and run, but he remained determined to face this new experience head on while wondering if he hadn't just lost his mind along with his soul in this place.

Daniel shivered as Osiris moved to stand behind him invading his personal space as he leaned in and softly purred, "This is my play room, my pet. Do you like what you see?"

Play room? Why did he find those words both terrifying and arousing at the same time? He unconsciously moaned as Osiris' breath fell across his neck and face bathing his skin in warmth and sending pleasurable little chills tingling up his spine. He choked back his need to respond sarcastically to the inquiry managing, "Master what...?"

"Hush and give yourself over to us. Allow us to show you unimaginable pleasure. Allow us to please you, our love."

Daniel tensed as Sarah's hand wrapped around his right wrist gently drawing his arm above his head. As she tugged his wrist towards the shackle dangling from the upper right corner of the metal rack he knew that he should resist, knew what she intended to do and allowed her to snap the first restraint in place only realizing after her playful laughter teased his ears that she was already forcing his left wrist into the other restraint. He tensed softly moaning as Osiris used his leg to gently nudge his own apart. He hissed as his lord wasted precious little time securing his ankles to the bottom corners of the rack. When he realized his present predicament he blushed to his roots aware that he was now in a very vulnerable position, spread-eagled for his master, on display in his lord's "play-room". He opened his mouth to request his release when cloth found its way between his lips. He moaned feeling his dick harden as he realized that the gag was Osiris' special panty gag liberally coated in Sarah's juices.

Osiris leaned by his left ear and Daniel shivered as his lord suggested, "You may grip the framework of the rack should you have need to, my love, and I assure you that you will be grateful for it as I draw your blessed spending from your body throughout the entire evening again and again and again..."

He whimpered as Osiris' fingers began to tweak and squeeze his nipples making his breath catch in his throat as heat continued to spike sharply within. He then shuddered in pleasure as Osiris pressed up against him becoming quickly lost in the hot velvety skin now pressed so intimately against his own. He softly mewled as Osiris wrapped his arms around him pressing against him as he blew across Daniel's left ear sending chills through him. Osiris continued his bold exploration by sliding his hand downward until he cupped Daniel possessively in his grasp. Daniel arched as his lord squeezed him

finding that he was losing himself in the intensity of those stimulating touches. As a tongue laved his earlobe he cried out dropping his head lazily back and breathing shakily as Osiris proceeded to suckle his earlobe tenderly. Osiris then began slowly pumping his dick and paying much attention to his earlobe bringing him near completion before stopping the blessed caresses. As he released a strangled cry of disappointment his lord chuckled before asking, "Shall I teach you what it feels like to be helpless, my precious one? What it means to be inferior? You deliberately anger your god. You challenge me, you defy me so perhaps it is time that I taught you what true slavery is my precious one."

Daniel cursed as he again tried to silence the memories threatening to encroach and drown him beneath their persistent onslaught. He growled in frustration when he realized that he was now panting and was extremely hard. His need to climax burned deep within and he hated it. He hated how memories of his lord educating him, teaching him, training him and humiliating him could bring him so easily and so quickly to his own completion. Memories, they were just memories so why in the hell did he get off on them? He had hated his lord's twisted mind games, his sexual domination and seduction...hadn't he? Shit! Why could a stupid memory of his lord get him off? Why couldn't he remember times spent with Jack, instead of these godforsaken memories of slavery and captivity? WHY?

"Daniel? Daniel, are you all right?"

Jack, it was Jack checking on him again, always checking on him, always worried and concerned. Why? Why did he bother? Why? Would he still be so devoted if he knew what had happened there? Would he still care so damned much if he realized that his lover was no more than a sexual plaything who followed the whims of his master always? Would he?

"Daniel?"

As Jack's voice sounded again Daniel knew he had to respond, but all he could manage was a sharp "Yes."

"Are you sure you're all right?"

Oh God please just go away Jack. Go away. Now isn't a good time. Go away! Again he answered, "Yes I'm fine. I'll be out in a few minutes."

"All...all right Daniel. I'll just..."

He snapped in irritation, "I'm fine Jack!" and quietly chided himself for snapping at his lover again. He was just a bit concerned, that was all. He had no need to bite Jack's head off for caring...so why had he? Shit! Why couldn't things just be the way they used to be? Why did things have to change? Things had been going so well before his lord...

'Shall I teach you what it feels like to be helpless, my precious one? What it means to

be inferior? Perhaps it is time I taught you what true slavery is...what true slavery is...'

He softly hissed, "No, no, NO! Shut up, shut up just shut up!"

He shook his head hating those words, those thoughts, those memories and the feelings they invoked within him. They reminded him what he was, what he was destined to be: a slave, a servant to the Goa'uld lord Osiris for all eternity.

"NO!"

He grew angrier as he twisted the shower knob off and stepped out quickly drying himself before dressing in jerky motions. He approached the mirror still unable to look at it and snatched his comb from the counter beginning to rake it viciously through his hair feeling his anger growing insurmountable as rage flooded his heart. He quickly finished the task and hurled the comb onto the sink before turning to head for the door feeling nothing but red-hot rage boiling within. He wanted to lash out, to hurt and to kill. He wanted to destroy something and quickly jerked the bathroom door open not even flinching as it banged loudly against the wall drawing a startled gaze his way. Brown clashed with blue and danger tinged the air. Something was about to happen, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. Jack was the first to speak, "Daniel?"

He snarled, "Jack," drawing tension from the man across from him and noticing that he took one slight step backwards. Daniel snickered before casually inquiring, "Frightened O'Neill? Do I...scare you?"

"Daniel..."

"Hmm I never thought the great O'Neill was frightened of anything."

"Daniel, what are you doing? What...?"

"Do you know what it feels like to be dominated Jack? To be completely under the control of another unable to even piss without permission?"

"Daniel what...?"

Daniel cocked his head to the side feeling some of his uncontrollable rage leaking away as he focused on Jack seeing fear, worry and concern reflecting in the man's eyes. He closed his own, shaking his head as he became aware that he was literally shaking with rage. Why the hell was he so damned angry? He forced his eyes open, making an effort to regain control of the intense anger he was presently feeling. He forced himself to speak, "I know what it feels like, Jack."

Jack softened his voice a bit recognizing the indicators that Daniel was regaining control of his flailing emotions. He swallowed hard feeling relief beginning to surface as he questioned, "What Daniel? What are you talking about, love?"

"I know what it feels like Jack, and I hate that I know. I hate it, yet it's now a part of me. A part of me I want nothing more than to destroy."

"Daniel..."

He flicked a gaze Jack's way before lowering his eyes to the floor as he continued, "How do I destroy that part, Jack? How do I destroy that part of me without destroying myself?"

Suddenly realizing that Daniel was referring to the part of himself that made him vulnerable and submissive Jack answered his question, "You...you can't. It's a part of you that you have to accept..."

"A part I have to accept? No, no I don't. I don't have to accept it at all, Jack. I don't."

"Daniel..."

"NO! Why should I accept it, Jack? That part of me it makes me weak, easily controlled, easily manipulated. Why should I have to accept that part of me, Jack? WHY?"

"Because it IS a part of you, a part of all of us and without it we don't see our mortality. We don't see our strengths and our weaknesses. That part of us makes us better not worse Daniel, better because we know that we are not omnipotent. We know we're not omniscient. We know that we are..."

"Gullible? Weak Jack? Foolish and helpless, Jack?"

"No. No, Daniel, no."

"I don't want to be easily manipulated Jack. I don't want to be controlled..."

"And you're not. You're not Daniel."

"Aren't I Jack? Aren't I? I can't forget. I can't force back these needs to be your servant. I can't force back the internal voice that tells me I'm breaking every goddamned rule by standing here and looking directly at you. Do you want to know what I feel I should be doing? I don't feel right looking at you and that's totally insane!"

"Then what makes you feel comfortable?"

"Oh no, no, no. I'm not... NO!"

"Daniel..."

"Do you really want to know what makes me feel comfortable Jack? Do you? I assure you that it will disgust you. It will horrify you."

"No, Daniel, it won't."

Daniel felt his anger rising again coming head to head with a sudden overwhelming feeling of vulnerability and guilt. He couldn't explain it or even make sense of it. He felt as if he had no control and he didn't know what to do or say. Oh God, what was he supposed to be doing? Was he supposed to be standing or kneeling or sitting or...? What was he supposed to be doing? He shook his head tensing when he heard Jack slowly approaching. He immediately raised his hands up before him feeling terror grip him. He snapped his eyes open again and quickly stated, "No don't touch me, not now Jack. Please not now. I can't...I can't handle it...not, not right now I'm too, things are too...scrambled up here. I can't...I can't have you touching me, not right now. Please."

He saw the disappointment reflecting in Jack's eyes and it nearly shattered him. He could only offer Jack a despairing look as it felt as if a cold fist were now wrapping around his heart. He spoke in a quavering voice, "I'm...I'm sorry Jack. I'm so sorry. I keep hurting you and I... I'm so sorry."

Jack momentarily closed his eyes shaking his head before again looking at Daniel and making his voice as calm as he could, "No, no. I understand Daniel. I understand."

Daniel lifted his left hand reaching to cup Jack's face tenderly but unable to do so. Tears glistened in his eyes but didn't fall, as his breath hitched he asked, "Do you?" before he drew that hand back to cover his mouth as he tried to hold in his grief. He gazed at Jack a bit longer before finding it was too much for him to handle at the moment. He quickly turned then dashed from the bedroom heading for the front door.

Jack listened as the door beneath him closed and found himself listening for the sound of Daniel's car staring up, but when he didn't hear it he knew that Daniel was walking away from the house. He knew what image would be there if he were to look out their window and refused to be baited, but without conscious thought he was there staring glumly at the retreating form of his lover as Daniel, in his obvious grief, walked from him yet again. DAMN!

* * * *

As he exited their home and started walking down the street his grief began to choke him. He tried to force the tears back only realizing that they were already trickling down over his cheeks. Damn it not again! Hadn't his tears dried up by now? How could he still cry when he was so certain that he was all cried out? How? God, he was stronger than this wasn't he? Well, wasn't he? He shook his head hanging it in despair as he forced one foot in front of the other trying to forget that he had just run from Jack O'Neill...again.

He walked aimlessly unable to stop, not wanting to as he carried himself further and further from his soul mate towards darkness, emptiness, loneliness... He kept on walking allowing his grief to fill him, still defiantly challenging the tears that refused to stop falling. DAMN IT! This was ridiculous! What the hell was wrong with this picture? He was a grown man, one who swore that he had no tears left to shed and swore not to cave to such a weakness again. So what the hell was he doing now? SHIT!

He forced himself to continue walking, placing one foot in front of the other, determined to make it somewhere though he didn't know just where that might be. As minutes turned into hours and the skies grew dark above the cold chill of night began to set in making him suddenly long to have a jacket with him. He had left the house in such a rush that he had neglected to grab anything he might need along the way. He knew he should turn around but he couldn't make himself, not yet. It was too soon, the emotions too fresh, his heart feeling too raw and split open.

He drew to a halt gazing about him shocked by his surroundings. Had he really walked THAT far? He focused on several buildings that he could just make out in the light of the full moon and shook his head in awe. Surely he had to be mistaken! He couldn't have walked that far in one night, but he was positive as he assessed his surroundings yet again that he was nearly at the Mountain. He remained frozen in indecision. Should he turn around and go back to his home, should he return to Jack or should he continue on? After all he was almost at the Mountain and he could go to his office for a bit...

Daniel began to feel tense as he became suddenly anxious and nervous. Without thought he jerked his head up eyeing the car that was now heading towards him, and as those headlights fell on him he felt the rush of panic descend upon him. Without conscious thought he began to walk briskly feeling as if there were some unknown danger or threat out there just waiting to attack him. He felt as if he were no longer alone out here, as if someone or something was pursuing him, and he didn't like that feeling in the least.

He swallowed hard as his body went on full alert. His hearing grew sharper as he listened intently for any little sound, jumping when a dog barked, a branch cracked or a car drew near. He began to dart his gaze frantically about searching out danger and seeing it in every little shadow. His palms grew sweaty as he became certain that someone was about to grab him, to seize him from behind and haul him away. As ice-cold fear sliced across his nerves he forced himself to walk faster casting several anxious glances behind him for signs of his assailant and feeling his heart beating rapidly in his chest as yet another shadow took on a demonic form that also seemed to want to pursue him.

Oh God, what had he been thinking coming out here alone, placing himself in such a dangerous situation? Was he crazy? Why didn't he think before leaving home? If he were there now he'd be safe. Jack would protect him. Jack would beat back his menacing assailants and silence his many fears. Jack would hold him close and whisper reassurances to him telling him that he was all right and that he was safe. He had been foolish when he had left the house without a backward glance and now, now he was being pursued by invisible demons, attackers hiding in the darkness waiting to trap him, waiting to snatch him and steal him away again. They were out there lying in wait to trap him and to return him to his master where he belonged. No, no, NO! This was insane! Osiris had let him go! He left him go; he wouldn't be out there stalking him, pursuing him in the dark for that was crazy, totally crazy! But if that were truly crazy then why did he feel so damned afraid? Why did he feel as if he were now in serious jeopardy? He was going to die tonight because of running from Jack. That was going to be his penalty, his punishment for fleeing Jack again. He'd be killed, and he was certain that he would be.

He forced himself to walk faster feeling utter panic consuming him. He cast furtive glances all around him jumping at little sounds, jerking around several times to make certain that no one was behind him. No one was there. NO ONE! He was safe. HE WAS! But even as he shouted it, put voice to it he broke out into a cold sweat. As another dog barked he jumped yelping before caving to his overwhelming fears and panic quickly moving from walking at a brisk pace to running as fast as his feet could carry him. He ran fast and hard as if the devil himself were on his heels. He forced himself to run as fast as he was able refusing to look behind him again not wanting to see those waiting to kill him or capture him. He wouldn't let them get him. HE WOULDN'T! He ran faster releasing a cry of relief as Cheyenne Mountain suddenly came into view. Yes, there he would be safe. He would be! He had to be.

He slowed down his pace reaching into his pocket and releasing a quiet thank you to the air as his hand wrapped around his ID. Had he unconsciously grabbed it as he had exited the house? He wasn't sure but was glad to have it with him.

Feeling more confident and relaxed, he quietly approached the mountain not wanting to alert anyone of his presence and grateful when he made it so easily through the check points without being questioned. People were used to seeing him here all hours of the night and day. It wasn't unusual for him to arrive early to work or stay late into the night. He was grateful for that and found his only challenge presently was to keep a tight grip on his ever-surmounting terror and panic.

Once inside Daniel felt a lot better; as he stepped into the elevator he began to relax a bit more, feeling his unease subsiding as he exited on his floor walking determinedly towards his own personal office and shocked when he realized that he had somehow ended up standing before Teal'c's door instead.

Without hesitation Daniel knocked feeling an overwhelming sense of relief flood him as Teal'c opened the door. All at once his energy fled and he quickly found himself being held in Teal'c's strong, capable arms gazing into worried eyes and being physically carried into the room. Funny he didn't remember throwing himself at Teal'c or collapsing before him.

He shook his head as Teal'c settled him on the bed then kneeled before him as he softly questioned, "Are you not feeling well, my friend?"

"Teal'c. Teal'c, God, I'm sorry, sorry I don't...don't know why I'm here. I was just... I... We... I couldn't face him, Teal'c, had to get away. Walked, I walked..."

"Am I to understand that you have walked all the way here from your home, Daniel Jackson?"

He focused on Teal'c suddenly becoming aware that Teal'c was now rubbing his arms vigorously trying to warm him up. Now when had Teal'c started doing that? Better yet why was he allowing it? Didn't touch frighten him? Hadn't his lord proved to him that touch was not to be trusted no matter who extended it towards him? Touch scared the hell out of him, yet here he sat allowing Teal'c to touch him and he hadn't even realized that his friend was doing so. Damn, he must really be out of it. Shit! He realized suddenly that it felt good; Teal'c's touch felt good, safe...he felt safe with his friend. He knew beyond a doubt that Teal'c would never harm him and that was why he was now so relaxed in his presence.

He offered a shaky smile to his friend focusing intently on him. They remained like that several long minutes gazes locked on one another as Teal'c continued to rub warmth back into his arms and hands while Daniel eagerly drew comfort and a sense of safety from him.

Daniel was the first to break the intense gaze down casting his eyes, grateful that Teal'c didn't pressure him or inquire as to why he was here, how he was feeling or what he was doing walking to work in the middle of the night. He felt overwhelmingly safe and protected in this room, with this man. He felt himself continue to relax drawing comfort from Teal'c and wrapping it around himself, drawing the courage and the strength to speak to Teal'c from his friend's unselfish acts of kindness. He swallowed hard preparing to reveal a truth to Teal'c that he had told no other.

Daniel lifted his head forcing himself to hold Teal'c's gaze knowing that what he was about to reveal to his friend was scaring the hell out of him, but he needed to say it so without further hesitation he did, "I'm...afraid," and felt relief flood him when he was able to actually make such a confession before again lowering his head awaiting Teal'c's response, "Of what are you afraid Daniel Jackson?"

He fell silent not sure of what to say or how to say it. He remained quiet for several minutes as he thought of Teal'c's question...of what are you afraid? What was he afraid of? Well death, abandonment, anger... Basically, "Everything."

He glanced up at Teal'c to see his reaction to such an admission. He expected to see disappointment or confusion in the Jaffa's gaze but all he saw was understanding and concern. Teal'c nodded before answering, "Fear is a natural reaction to what you have experienced."

He shook his head replying sadly, "Teal'c I fear everything...death, abandonment... I'm afraid of being a failure, a disappointment... I'm afraid of Jack leaving me, of losing my mind... I'm afraid of my anger and the anger of others... This isn't normal Teal'c. I shouldn't be afraid of dying every single day. I shouldn't be afraid of being attacked when no one is there. I shouldn't be afraid that Jack would leave me because of saying the wrong thing to him. I shouldn't be waking in the middle of the night screaming. Teal'c..."

Teal'c steadily held Daniel's gaze as he assured, "Your reactions are normal Daniel Jackson. What you have experienced no one should. The life of a favored one is very difficult. It is extremely difficult for one who has known only freedom in their lifetime. The things Osiris no doubt required of you were challenging. This I am certain. You were expected to behave a certain way, to serve without question and to do as your lord requested at all times. Your life was no longer your own...your fate no longer yours to decide. Now that you are free again you must take back that which was taken from you. It is a hard road you must travel and many times you will lose your way, but you will regain that which you thought lost again."

Daniel remained silent for several more moments before answering, "Thanks Teal'c. Thank you."

Teal'c nodded before saying, "Come let us meditate, my friend."

Daniel smiled before nodding and allowing Teal'c to lead him to the floor. Once settled amid the circle of lit candles he offered his friend another smile before closing his eyes allowing his mind to quiet and his thoughts to settle. It took several minutes before he found himself calm enough to be able to relax.

Teal'c observed him knowing, sensing that fear was part of what brought Daniel here tonight. Again Daniel had sought him out and again he felt honored and privileged to be of service to his friend. He watched Daniel for several minutes noticing that he was relaxing further and smiled glad that he was here for his friend. When he was certain that Daniel was relaxed and calm he too closed his eyes allowing the silence to encircle them and embrace them in the light. It wasn't long before Daniel began to speak to him:

"I ran from him again. I ran from Jack again. I don't know why I just... I couldn't face him. Sometimes, sometimes it's so hard to face him knowing what I did to him, knowing that I willingly betrayed him. I... He stays with me Teal'c though I don't understand why. I'm such a burden to him, yet he stays with me and tries to comfort me. He tries so hard to help me Teal'c and he does...sometimes. I'd be lost without him. I need him Teal'c. He is my lifeline. I lived for him. I survived for him. I survived each and every day for him. I prayed that I would see him again. I prayed for freedom, for safety, for love...I prayed for it all to end... I even tried to escape HIM several times. Each time he caught me and punished me. He hated me when I left him. It was at those times I saw how dangerous he could be. I feared him more at those times than any other, yet I still tried to flee from him... I'd like to believe that those were the only times I feared him, but they weren't. They weren't Teal'c. Oh God, I panicked when he tried to, to sleep with me. I panicked but soon learned to adjust to it, to accept it even to enjoy it. I still feared him though. I knew, I knew every time we were in bed together that he could easily overpower me. I knew how much control he truly had over me and I hated it. I hated it and I hated when he was on top, hated when he would...grab me and throw me down, trying to spice up the sex I guess. Hated what he, she, it became at those times... I feared him and feared being under his complete control. He liked to play games. He even enjoyed...securing me on occasion. I...I panicked when he would...when he did that, so he stopped. He hated seeing me in the midst of a panic attack. They, they frightened him, it I think..."

Teal'c nodded aware that again Daniel was speaking of his captivity and again sharing things with him that he sensed Daniel had told no other. He listened keeping his anger in check though with each confession, each comment about what Osiris had done to him and how he had made him feel fuel was added to the flames of Teal'c's anger and hatred of the Goa'uld lord. He felt the need to avenge Daniel by killing Osiris, but knew that was not the answer. He chose instead to listen to Daniel, to keep his anger and murderous thoughts private and to offer Daniel the safety and solace that he came here seeking. Again he felt proud and happy that Daniel Jackson sought him out in times like these when he needed a safe place to talk, to relax and to calm himself. He was overjoyed to offer Daniel whatever he needed and very thankful that his young friend felt safe enough with him to come to him, meditate with him and speak to him.

* * * *

Teal'c arose early the next morning smiling as he noticed his friend curled up on the floor amid the now extinguished candles. Daniel had sat with him most of the night enjoying the peaceful quiet that surrounded them both. He had managed to remain awake until about 3am when he had slipped into peaceful rest. Teal'c had tried to get him to lie down in his bed telling him that he'd be much more comfortable there, but Daniel had insisted that the floor was fine and proceeded to drift rapidly asleep. As he focused on his friend now he smiled seeing that Daniel was still comfortably resting. He didn't have the heart to wake Daniel so he decided to go work out.

As Teal'c exited the weight room, after a strenuous work out he set out determinedly to check on Daniel running into an anxious Colonel O'Neill along the way. He barely had time to react when O'Neill questioned, "Teal'c have you seen Daniel?"

"Not since this morning, Colonel O'Neill. Why do you ask?"

"Well he...he was upset last night and left the house. He...he never returned Teal'c."

"I see."

Teal'c started heading towards his room again, O'Neill hot on his trail. Once to his room Teal'c opened the door and entered spotting Daniel still curled up asleep. He turned to address O'Neill, "Fear not O'Neill for Daniel Jackson is safe."

"So you know where he is?"

Teal'c moved aside allowing O'Neill to see beyond him and smiled when the Colonel gasped aloud before asking, "He came here?"

"He was here all evening, yes."

"And...?"

"And he is much calmer now."

Relief was evident in O'Neill instantaneously. Teal'c watched as he slipped past to approach his lover informing, "He did not rest until early this morning."

Jack lowered to his knees beside his sleeping lover focusing intently on his handsome face before turning towards Teal'c already talking in quieter tones, "But he did rest?"

"Yes."

"Without dreaming?"

"Yes."

"Oh thank God."

When Teal'c gazed at him puzzled Jack quickly answered the unspoken inquiry, "He dreams every night, Teal'c. Bad dreams, hurtful dreams, nightmares... He can only sleep a few short hours before they begin. Usually they bring him awake but sometimes I can keep him asleep. Sometimes."

"Has he sought help for these nightmares, O'Neill?"

"No, no. He seeks me, clings to me... He spoke with Janet's friend. The first meeting went well, but since then he's only stopped by on occasion. He feels...inadequate when he meets with her. He, it helps him but he doesn't like seeking her help."

"He should not feel this way, for perhaps she can help him."

"I believe that she can."

Jack lowered his gaze to Daniel's face before reaching out to tenderly stroke his hair. Daniel moaned softly before turning into the loving strokes and opening his eyes. As he focused on Jack a smile stretched across his lips, radiant and full of love as he softly greeted, "Hi Jack. Found me..."

"Yes. I was worried about you, you know?"

Daniel closed his eyes fighting back a yawn as he nodded before speaking, "I know. I'm sorry. I just...I couldn't breathe, couldn't stay... I...had to leave."

Jack nodded his head before saying, "I understand, Daniel... Care to tell me about what happened to bring you here?"

Daniel opened his eyes focusing intently on Jack opening his mouth to speak before closing it again. As he opened it a second time he managed to force out, "I was scared, Jack."

"You were scared?"

"Yes."

"Of what?"

"Of my anger, Jack. My anger, my rage, my inadequacies..."

"What inadequacies? You don't have any."

"Yes I do Jack."

"No you don't, love. No you don't."

"Jack..."

He shook his head no again. Daniel sighed in frustration knowing, sensing that this was one argument he wouldn't win, so he chose to apologize a second time, "Jack, I really am sorry about last night. I just..."

“You don't need to apologize, Daniel. I understand. I'm just grateful that you're okay."

Daniel nodded before sitting up and pressing a shy kiss to Jack's cheek before saying, "Thank you Jack."

Jack cupped Daniel's left cheek in his hand smiling goofily as he answered, "You're welcome." Then he leaned forward to capture Daniel's lips in a deep kiss hearing his lover moaning in pleasure as he quickly melted. He wrapped his arms around Daniel holding him close as he continued to kiss him failing to see their Jaffa friend smiling happily before slipping from the room.

As Jack broke the kiss he noticed that Daniel was gasping for breath and smiled as he realized that he still had the power to charge Daniel up and literally steal the breath from him.

Daniel focused intently on Jack licking his lips before struggling to make his tongue comply with his brain, "Uh...um, hmm that was...nice. I...hmm... I didn't know you could still...uh what, what were we talking about Jack?"

Jack laughed huskily as he answered, "You were thanking me and I was...returning the favor."

"Oh, uh, yes, yes I see. Um, I have to get ready for work, Jack, or I'll be late..."

As Jack watched Daniel become suddenly nervous and anxious throwing himself into rising out of bed and folding his blankets Jack tenderly teased, "Daniel, you're already at work. You don't have to rush off."

Daniel blushed as the realization struck and felt immediately embarrassed quickly finding himself again entwined in Jack's arms as he said, "Don't. Don't feel embarrassed."

"I, I don't Jack."

Hearing the words tumble forth from Daniel's mouth in a rush warned Jack to tread softly so he said, "All right you're not embarrassed Daniel. You're just anxious to get working."

The mega watt smile Daniel offered him and the sudden relaxing of overly taut muscles told him he had just said exactly what Daniel had needed to hear at that particular moment in time.

Shortly afterwards Jack kissed Daniel then excused himself to give his lover ample time to shower and get dressed for their next briefing, and as he walked towards his office he knew that he'd be on Cloud 9 for the rest of the day.

* * * * * *

Several hours later Daniel found himself sitting in Doctor Wentworth's office again. He had visited her several times after their initial first meeting and discussed several issues, but nothing extremely personal until today. He looked at her wondering what she was thinking about, and what she thought of him. He made things very difficult for her at every session, but she seemed infinitely patient saying only that he sought her out for a reason and that he would speak of it when he felt able to. No one knew that he was meeting with her except for Jack and Janet. Janet kept urging him to visit with her at least once a week, and he agreed to try it...on a trial basis of course, and now he found himself sitting in her office again as the silence stretched between them wondering why it was he agreed to this before the words decided to make an appearance...

Daniel swallowed hard before breaking the silence, "I don't know why I came here again. I mean we're getting nowhere. All you do is sit there and let me talk. You don't say much of anything so...why am I here?"

Doctor Wentworth felt relieved. Trying to get Doctor Jackson to talk was like trying to pull teeth, but she was determined to be patient with him. Janet had warned her that he could be quite difficult at times. She smiled trying not to let Dr. Jackson see her overwhelming relief that he had said more than two words to her before she replied to his inquiry, "Perhaps you need someone else to talk to, someone who isn't so close to you, someone neutral."

"Yeah right."

She softened her voice as she continued, "We all have certain topics we will never discuss with our friends, our co-workers and our loved ones. We allow our friends close; we allow our lover's closer, but there are some things that can't be discussed with a lover. Perhaps those things make us afraid, make us fear that we will lose a loved one if we reveal it. So we bury those things deep down and hold them inside of us like treasured secrets, secrets screaming to be released, but are too painful, possibly even too dangerous to release."

"So...?"

"When you meet someone who isn't close to you, who you don't have a deep meaningful relationship with, an outsider if you would, it becomes much easier to release those secrets. A stranger will judge you based on those secrets and may leave after discovering them, but it hurts so much less to watch them walk out of your life then it does to watch someone important leave you. If a stranger is disgusted by those secrets one reveals and leaves then that confirms the secrets must remain hidden because if a stranger walks away after one reveals such things then so could those you love deeply..."

Daniel nodded before revealing, "He doesn't...touch me anymore..."

Doctor Wentworth paused caught off guard by the sudden comment. She swallowed hard realizing that Dr. Jackson was finally allowing her admittance into his inner turmoil. She sat up straighter and leaned towards him with interest surprised and giddy that he was finally telling her something. She nodded as he made the quiet confession and gently prompted, "And do you let him?"

"No, no..."

"Why?"

"Fear... I, I scream when...when he does."

"You scream when he does?"

Daniel nodded before Doctor Wentworth urged, "What would happen if you let him touch you?"

"I, I do just not... He doesn't, not... He used to but now his touches are rarely...sexual."

She noticed how he effectively dodged the question and allowed him that much choosing instead to pursue his last comment further, "And you want them to be?"

Silence ensued before Daniel offered her a shy smile blushing faintly as he answered her inquiry, "Yes."

Doctor Wentworth cocked her head to the side quietly assessing him before asking in a softer tone, "Why?"

"Why? I...we're... I miss the connectedness, the intimacy we used to share."

"Doesn't he already provide that for you?"

"Well yes but not... He holds me when I need to be held. He...I know he loves me. He's tender, caring, loving, concerned...he's perfect except that he doesn't...touch me sexually and... I miss that level of intimacy he and I used to share before, before...what happened."

"Have you told him about how you feel?"

Daniel laughed nervously, shaking his head answering, "No."

"Why?"

"I...I can't. We...the times we've... I've either panicked or...or begged another to...and, and I can't... It... I just... I love Jack, I really do but it's so hard to look at him knowing that I...what I did to him."

"You're referring to your sexual relations with your captor, aren't you?"

Daniel jerked his head up staring at her in shock before snapping, "Janet, tell you that too? What didn't she tell you? I thought she couldn't give out personal information..."

"She can't."

"Then how?"

"Things you've said. Your responses to me..."

"Bullshit! This is all bullshit!"

"Doctor Jackson?"

"I have to go."

She tried again, "Doctor...?" and mentally cursed as she saw him shutting down before her. Damn it, why wouldn't he let her in? Why was he running away? She knew she had to find a way to keep him in her office longer than fifteen minutes or nothing would ever be resolved, but she also knew just how important it was for Doctor Jackson to have complete control over their meetings, so she yielded yet again knowing he'd be back next week, but that this session was now over. DAMN! She made one last attempt, "Doctor Jackson please..."

"Please? Please?"

She saw the debate within as he struggled to resist his submissive training that kept him sitting in the chair across from her. She knew that he was upset, and she also knew that she had to let him go. He had to do this, to make the final decision on whether to stay or go. He had to make that decision on his own. She watched him rise then falter caught in indecision. Then she saw his anger and self-hatred, and wanted nothing more then to offer him comfort, but she held back. She smiled when he finally said, "No, no, NO! I don't have to stay here."

"You're right. You don't."

He glanced at her hearing her unspoken words and feeling anxious. Shit, this was so stupid! How could he be afraid of, of making a decision? He shook his head before turning and leaving her office feeling as if he committed a serious crime by not submitting to her will, but determined to do what HE wanted to do, not what someone else expected him to do.

Daniel headed home and entered the house coming face to face with his obviously distraught lover. When Jack saw him he approached grasping him by his upper arms and staring intently at him. Daniel wondered about the reaction; feeling puzzled and confused, he prompted, "Jack?" and found himself quickly wrapped in his lover's arms. He allowed the contact reveling in the feel of Jack's strong warm body and his close proximity. He moaned softly as Jack's groin collided with his own and purred as he felt the hardness of his lover's cock pressing against him before managing to question, "Jack what's wrong?"

"I...I didn't know where you were and I...I..."

"Got scared?"

Jack only nodded. Daniel inhaled sharply before asking, "Of what Jack? I won't leave you. I'm not going anywhere. I may be a little confused and...difficult at times, well most of the time, but I don't intend to go anywhere."

Jack hung his head as if ashamed before stuttering, "I...I know."

Daniel sensing there was more to Jack's reactions than he was letting on gently prodded, "Jack, this is the second time this week that you were afraid I was gone. Jack, what's going on? What are you so afraid of?"

Jack swallowed hard debating about answering that question, deciding that Daniel deserved to know and answering, "When we were on that planet..."

Daniel suddenly stiffened against him, his voice straining as he put a name to the place Jack was referring to, "Bursiris..."

"Is that...?"

"Yes, Jack."

"Oh, I didn't..." He shook his head before apologizing and continuing, "When you were led away by, by..."

"Zeenan..." Daniel choked out feeling a loss as he spoke the name realizing how much he truly missed his friend before turning his gaze towards Jack imploring with his eyes for Jack to continue and nodding when he did so, "Yes he...Osiris told us you'd be safe and you'd be back. I didn't want to believe him, and I was afraid he'd... Anyway what I'm trying to say is... Well, he told us that if he sensed any danger to you that he...he would...he'd..."

Feeling his heart beating frantically in his chest as his throat clenched spastically Daniel managed to force out a question interrupting Jack in the process, "What? What Jack?"

Jack swallowed hard before dropping his head momentarily then focusing again on his lover's face as he replied, "He told us that...that he wouldn't release you."

Daniel instantly felt he could breathe freely as his anxiety began to abate before reassuring, "What? Jack, he asked me what I wanted. He knew what I wanted. He granted me freedom because he knew I wasn't happy, that I'd never be happy with him..."

Jack held Daniel's gaze as he voiced a truth he hated to admit, "He loved you Daniel."

"No he didn't Jack. He wanted to own me, to control me, to make me submit to him always. That's not love Jack."

He shook his head before continuing in a quieter tone, "Daniel he told me if I didn't protect you and treat you right that he'd...he'd return for you and take you from me."

As he heard Daniel shakily inhale Jack felt like an ass realizing that by telling Daniel about the threat he had also enhanced some of Daniel's own fears that Osiris would return for him. He felt Daniel's embrace tighten and tightened his own hold pressing a kiss to the top of Daniel's head before apologizing. Daniel nodded and silence fell around them before he managed to find the courage to tell Jack one of his deepest fears, "I...sometimes I feel like he's...watching me, Jack, and I get so scared, you know? I don't want to go back to him ever, yet I...I feel like he's constantly out there watching me, waiting to reclaim me and... I can't go back with him, Jack. I'd kill myself. I couldn't, I couldn't handle that, Jack, not again, not ever again."

As he gazed into his young lover's eyes he pressed a soft kiss to Daniel's forehead before saying, "God, I'm sorry Danny, so sorry about all of this."

Daniel held his gaze, raising his right hand he gently cupped the side of Jack's face softly saying, "Don't be Jack. Don't be just...just hold me for, for a while. Please? Please Jack I don't, I don't want to be alone right now. Please?"

Jack nodded before pulling Daniel tighter against him feeling the tension in Daniel vanish as the young man chose to place his head on Jack's shoulder momentarily. Jack's instinct was to tighten his hold more as he offered Daniel the comfort he continued to seek. They remained like that for some time before Jack offered, "Would you like to eat?"

"Yes."

"Come on. Let's go make something to eat."

Together they entered the kitchen and began to put a meal together. As Daniel set the table and Jack checked on the food he questioned, "Daniel, where did you go...earlier?"

"Doctor Wentworth's."

"I thought your appointments were on Wednesdays."

Daniel paused in setting the table focusing on the wall before him and nervously flicking his tongue out of his mouth before responding, "Um, yeah."

"So what did you two talk about?"

"Noth...nothing really. I... She said some things. I said some things. I got mad and left."

"You got mad? About what?"

"Oh just... It was a mistake, seeing her today. I should've waited."

Daniel gasped as tender hands landed on either shoulder and Jack leaned in by his right ear saying, "It wasn't a mistake, Daniel. You needed to talk and she's there to help you."

"I should've waited until Wednesday. I just..."

"She said you could stop by any time you needed to Daniel. You needed to speak with her. She saw you but the discussion didn't go well. It happens. The earlier sessions are always the hardest. You're telling this woman things you don't feel comfortable sharing with any other and you're placing your trust in her that she will keep the discussions confidential. Trust alone is very hard to extend, especially after what happened to you, but with her you really can't avoid it. You have to believe that she will respect your privacy and that she will be there for you whenever you need her."

“I...I know Jack but sometimes it's just so...hard, you know."

Jack urged Daniel back against him and slowly draped his arms around Daniel as he answered, "Yes I know Daniel. I know. It's going to take a long time. Healing isn't a miraculous thing. It doesn't happen in minutes or hours. It takes years and for some it even takes a lifetime, but it does happen. You just have to be patient and learn to face each day as it comes."

Daniel remained silent for several moments before saying, "Thanks Jack. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They stood together for several more moments before the buzzer sounded indicating that their supper was ready. Jack then pressed a kiss to Daniel's cheek before releasing him to retrieve the food, smiling when Daniel finished setting up the table before taking a seat. Together they ate sharing a companionable silence before they both agreed to go to bed early.

* * * * * *

Several Days Later...

As he sat gazing upon the ancient artifact trying to decipher the fine carvings on its surface Daniel became aware of just how difficult the task was. He couldn't concentrate and was quickly becoming extremely frustrated. Why was it so difficult to focus? He loved deciphering long dead languages it's what he did, so why was it suddenly so hard?

He forced himself to pick up the artifact and again focused on the etchings. He inhaled deeply making another attempt at interpretation quickly discovering that the more he concentrated on it the more things seemed to be meshing and blending together until everything became indiscernible. He could no longer see the artifact, his hand or even the desk. They were all replaced by endless blackness that began to pitch him head first into dark, shameful memories of a past he wanted so much to destroy.

He blinked rapidly upon realizing that he was spacing out, but attempted to sharpen his focus by blinking several more times, quickly discovering that his efforts were useless. The thoughts and the memories still lingered teasing him as flashes of single moments in time tormented him. He gasped as he saw himself arching his back as Osiris licked a trail up his spine pausing briefly to nuzzle his neck and inhale the scent of his freshly shampooed hair. He could hear Osiris chuckling and automatically slammed his eyes shut trying desperately to quiet his overactive mind. He waited several more moments before again looking at the item in his hand certain that this time, this time he would be able to interpret the elaborate scrawls and felt anger flood him as his mind treated him to yet another image of Osiris flipping him onto his back and pinning him in place before straddling his hips. Oh God, God no! He wouldn't do this again! He couldn't do this again! NO!

He softly moaned feeling his mouth go dry as he recalled the softness of Sarah's lips on his skin and shook his head from side to side clenching his eyes tightly shut as he quietly scolded himself, "I will not do this. I will not do this! NO!" But as another image sharpened he tensed mentally cursing his mind's refusal to be silenced. Damn it, he couldn't do this! He couldn't! Not here! Please NOT HERE!

"You respond so eagerly to my touches sweet pet. Shall we...experiment today? Would that please you, my love?"

God no, no, NO! He tried to crush the memories terrified that they would surface and somehow broadcast themselves throughout the SGC. God no, this couldn't be happening! It couldn't! He was determined to block the thoughts out and as they seemed to lapse a bit he dared to allow himself to feel a bit more relaxed, but that was short-lived as the memories returned with a vengeance:

Daniel tried to resist answering, fighting to remain silent and denying his lord that which he so eagerly sought. He nervously licked his lips moaning quietly as he felt soft leather caressing his face lovingly. He could also feel his dick hardening as arousal began to flood his being, sending every nerve to tingling pleasantly. He found himself nodding before putting voice to his answer as Osiris prodded again, "The idea excites and tempts you does it not, my precious one?"

"Mmm, yes My Lord."

Daniel violently cursed determined to silence the memories, struggling valiantly to maintain control and losing the battle as his mind continued to lure him back into the past...

"Have you ever felt the unbelievable pleasure one of these beautiful whips can produce?"

"No, no My Lord. Please."

"This is called a cat-o'-nine-tails. If used the right way it can bring you inconceivable pleasure. Shall we try it, my precious one?"

Daniel inhaled deeply swallowing hard as Osiris continued to rub the handle of the menacing device against his right cheek. The leather felt soft like deerskin and he could smell the leather itself. Unconsciously he moaned as the thought, the idea sparked a bit of curiosity and anxiousness within. He tensed as his lord softly chuckled before continuing, "Yes we shall try this today. Do not fear for I will be very careful, my pet. There is a very fine line between pleasure and pain. This particular implement is capable of delivering both. We shall begin slowly: a pat here, a pat there until you become accustomed to the feel of the whip. I want you to experience pleasure beyond your wildest imaginings, sweet Daniel. Now go spread yourself across our bed and lie on your belly."

"My Lord..."

"Do so now!"

"Yes My Lord."

Daniel approached the bed feeling both terrified and intrigued at the same time. He stared at the bed for several moments contemplating what was about to happen before slowly removing his robe and allowing it to drop and pool around his ankles. He bent to gather the garment up when Osiris halted him, "Do not worry about your robe. I shall do that. You just make yourself comfortable."

Daniel tensed as he felt a soft kiss being pressed to the back of his neck and gasped in surprise wondering just when his lord had approached him. He closed his eyes as his lord whispered seductively in his ear, "Make your self comfortable, Daniel," before blowing gently across the lobe and moving to retrieve his robe. The instant Osiris moved Daniel felt a bit calmer and quickly lowered onto the bed as commanded.

Once settled Osiris sat down beside him placing the cat-o'-nine-tails against his hindquarters; Daniel startled jerking his gaze towards that of his lord's and moaning softly as the leather was drawn across his buttocks tickling lightly and succeeding in arousing him further...

Daniel cursed again extremely frustrated that he couldn't even focus on his work. Damn it! He was getting nothing done! NOTHING! As another image invaded of the feel of that whip lightly impacting his back and the unnatural pleasure he had felt upon the contact invaded he jerked out of his chair walking purposely towards the door. He had to get out of here! He had to!

He entered the hallway walking towards the first office that came into mind trying to beat back the saucy memories that continued to dance on the edges of his mind. When he finally reached her office and entered he felt fully aroused and sick to his stomach. Her voice drew his attention and he quickly moistened his lips before addressing her, "Sam."

"Daniel, what are you doing here? Are...are you all right?"

He gazed at her for several moments before answering honestly, "No, no I'm not all right. I'm not. I, I can't concentrate. The images, the memories they keep invading and I can't... I can't work, Sam. I can't do it."

She watched her friend as he began his agitated pacing back and forth across the length of her office picking up on his distress and frustration instantly. She immediately tried to offer support as she said, "You're welcome to stay here as long as you need."

"Thanks Sam. I don't understand why... I just can't forget. I was fine. I was translating an artifact and then...then I heard his voice and... I couldn't do it. I tried but each time I focused harder the memories they... I couldn't do it Sam!"

"Maybe you just needed a break or..."

Daniel cut her off quickly, "No, no, no, no..."

He continued to pace allowing silence to engulf them for several minutes before quietly informing, "You know I begged him to...to fuck me every night, every fuckin' night. I...I couldn't get enough. I needed it, craved it, yearned for it, for him to...to fuck me again and again, for him to use me like some cheap goddamned whore! I can't tell him that Sam. I can never tell him that! What would he think if he found out that I...that I fucked it over and over and over again? I can't...I can't do that Sam. I can't."

Sam inhaled sharply feeling both shocked and relieved at the same time. Daniel was talking. He was actually talking about his time away. She was surprised he even breached the subject but relieved knowing that he was going to be all right. If he could talk about things he would be all right, but she didn't like what he just implied. He implied that he had enjoyed serving Osiris when she knew that he had been coerced. He would never serve in the bedroom without use of threats or force so she voiced her belief, "You were raped Daniel..."

Daniel halted abruptly as he raised his voice in irritation, "Raped? Raped? How? How was I fuckin' raped Sam? I begged for it, pleaded for it so how is that rape?"

Sensing the discussion could escalate rapidly into an angry exchange Sam kept her voice calm as she continued to explain her certainty that Daniel had been raped repeatedly, "Because he used you...persuaded you..."

Daniel shook his head releasing a sarcastic chuckle as he answered, "Oh there was no fuckin' persuasion necessary Sam! NONE. Hell, all he had to do was touch me and I opened up for him, allowed him to fuck me over and over again, allowed her to..."

Hearing his self-loathing she immediately strove to dispel it, "No. No Daniel. NO. Why...why did you do it Daniel? WHY did you surrender? Tell me what made you stop resisting him? Tell me Daniel."

"What made me...? I'm a whore, a whore, a..."

Sam shook her head feeling tears welling up in her eyes hoping that she could get through to Daniel feeling his pain consume her so completely. She refused to allow him to blame himself for serving Osiris in bed. It wasn't his fault! He had been used over and over again, used and abused by his captor. He wasn't at fault. She persisted, "No, no, no. For what reason did you give your body to him Daniel? What reason?"

Daniel swallowed hard before softly muttering, "Alandria."

Feeling relieved that she had something to go on she continued to question, "Alandria? Okay what is Alandria, Daniel?"

"It's a...a planet, a planet he...he... If I refused to he'd do it again...destroy another world..."

Yes she had her answer! She reiterated for his benefit, "If you hadn't surrendered he would have destroyed another world?"

"Yes, yes he..."

Feeling excitement continuing to fill her that she now knew why he had surrendered she strove to make him see that he wasn't at fault either, "Daniel, there's your reason. If you hadn't surrendered he would have destroyed another world. He raped you, Daniel, every single time he raped you."

"No, no, no...NO!"

Sam had to make him see, make him understand so she continued to push him, "Yes Daniel. Yes. If you had refused to do as he requested then he would have destroyed a planet...he would have Daniel. You know it and I know it. We both know it, Daniel. He used you. He raped you and no matter how much that knowledge horrifies you, angers you, panics you and shames you it IS the truth, Daniel, the truth. He raped you. You didn't betray Jack and you didn't surrender willingly to him. You were coerced, threatened... He raped you Daniel. You have to accept that. You have to understand that. You have to."

"Rape...? No... I..."

Seeing the horror in his eyes Sam swallowed hard hoping that she was doing the right thing as she continued, "You were raped so many times, Daniel, so many times yet you still can't accept it, can't see that he abused you, that he used you and abused you..."

"No, he took care of me, Sam. He did."

"But he still raped you. He still sexually assaulted you and THAT wasn't your fault Daniel. It wasn't..."

She noticed him lower his head and reacted by drawing him in against her wrapping her arms firmly about him as she continued, "It wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault, Daniel. NONE of it."

"Yes it is. I liked it. I allowed it. He didn't, he didn't rape...doesn't happen to...to... It just doesn't happen!"

Sam felt her heart aching for her friend as she realized that it would take a lot more than words to convince Daniel that he had been raped. For some reason accepting that he had truly been raped was so much harder for him than to believe that he had enjoyed it. He was denying the truth like all victims of rape did at one point in the healing process.

Denying what had happened so that life could return to "normal," but life would never be as it had been before such a brutal assault on one's body, mind and soul. And though Daniel was determined to believe that he had never been raped, that he had voluntarily surrendered to Osiris each and every time, rape wasn't something that would just go away. The simple fact remained that Daniel had been raped and though he denied it that truth would come out one way or another and when it did she prayed that Daniel would have enough support to handle it, for she was certain it would feel as if his mind, his soul were being raped all over again...and that alone could be his final undoing.

After talking with Sam a bit longer Daniel felt more able to focus and thanked her for listening. She smiled and extended an invitation towards him to speak with her at anytime. He nodded and headed back to his office. He then sat down at his desk quickly finding himself once again enthralled by the puzzling translation he had been working on prior. After several hours of translation work Daniel put it aside. Noticing the time he quickly piled his notes together, grabbed his keys and headed for the door aware that his next meeting with Doctor Wentworth was in less than an hour. He made one quick stop to refill his coffee before exiting the mountain and driving to her office.

* * * * * *

Doctor Wentworth watched her visitor closely. She could see that he was very nervous and fidgety. Doctor Jackson continually shifted in his seat going from tapping his foot to pumping his leg furiously up and down like a piston. She was certain that he didn't even realize it. She waited watching him switch from that to shifting constantly in his seat before he finally settled on rubbing his hand constantly across the scar she knew was on that vulnerable wrist. Something had him upset so she decided to start the conversation by casually stating her observation "Colonel O'Neill told me you have a scar on your wrist. Is that what you keep rubbing?"

Daniel's hand instantly stilled and he jerked his head up flushing with embarrassment before stuttering, "He, he, he did? He noticed?"

"Yes he did. He notices everything about you Doctor Jackson."

"He does? Yes, he does. I just, he never... Why wouldn't he ask me about it?"

"Perhaps he already knows where it came from and sensed that you don't feel comfortable discussing it with him."

Daniel nodded laughing nervously before ducking his head shyly and saying, "He's right."

"Would you like to tell me about it?"

Daniel focused to his right appearing as if lost in thought as the debate went on in his head about just how far to trust this woman and just how much he was willing to reveal to her. He continued to keep his gaze averted as he said, "Ah, do you really want to hear about it, Doctor?"

"Yes I do."

"It's...from a knife. It represents the one time I became so lost in despair, in the pain, in the anguish that I decided to...give up. Now, now it serves as a reminder..." He lifted his gaze to hers as he continued in a calmer voice, "A reminder that there is always an easy way out, but that isn't the answer to anything."

"Pardon me?"

Daniel continued on as if he hadn't even heard her question, "The scar also represents friendship, my hopes, my dreams..."

"It does? How so?"

"Because on that day I had finally realized that someone else cared enough for me to stop me. Before that I felt, oh I don't know...hollow, maybe? Pathetic? Weak? Trapped. Alone."

"So are you proud of the scar?"

"What? No, no, hell no. But I can't erase it. It's there. The evidence of my darkest hour, of my weakest moment... I can't pretend I didn't try to kill myself that day. I can't pretend that if Zeenan hadn't arrived just when he had...I'd be dead right now."

"Zeenan? Who is Zeenan?"

"A friend... Actually he worked for my captor, but he was always there for me. He watched over me, protected me, like an anxious older brother always keeping an eye on me, prepared to charge in and help me at a moment's notice. He was a good friend. He helped me a lot. He helped me get Jack back."

"He sounds like a very good friend."

"He was the best."

"What endeared him to you?"

Daniel smiled at her word usage as he said, "Endeared? What endeared him to me? Good choice of words. I like it... Um, he reminded me of someone else I'm very close to. A friend who would likewise protect me at all costs. A friend who would never allow me to fall, to surrender or to submit to despair... They were so similar. From the moment I met Zeenan I was fearful of him. I was afraid, but I knew instinctively that he'd never hurt me. I knew he would protect me just like Teal'c always has."

"Teal'c?"

Daniel paused as if debating something in his mind before questioning, "You're Janet's friend, right?"

"Yes."

"So how much has she told you...about me, about us, about what she does? Do you have Top Level clearance or...not?"

"Doctor Jackson I had to have Top Level clearance to speak with you. General Hammond insisted."

Daniel snickered smiling as he said, "Oh did he now?"

"Yes."

"So I can...tell you anything, and you won't think I'm...loopy?"

"Loopy? No."

"That's good. But I think I'd better confirm that before we have any more of these little sessions."

"Why?"

"Because the things I know would amaze you and if you have no idea what I'm involved in then there is no more you can help me with."

Doctor Wentworth gazed at Doctor Jackson for several moments knowing instinctively that they had just reached a new level of connectedness. Once Doctor Jackson confirmed that she had Top Level clearance she was certain that their sessions would become longer and that he would feel more confident to speak freely with her. She was certain that they had just reached the point where patient trusted doctor enough to begin revealing things that beforehand were strictly off limits.

She watched him as he stood up certain that he would soon return, feeling excited knowing that a major barrier between them would soon be destroyed. Doctor Jackson was a very private person. He was a man who didn't easily share things. He guarded himself well, for the walls he had erected around himself were nearly impenetrable but for some reason he was willing to allow her entrance. From their very first meeting she tried to establish some positive rapport with him and all her efforts seemed to be paying off. She knew that the hurdle they were jumping now was a small one, just a start but it was a step in the right direction.

She smiled as she shook his hand before nodding her head in dismissal and telling him that she'd see him next week. He returned her smile and thanked her for listening before leaving her office. She watched him go continuing to smile, knowing that next week they would finally be able to do some work on Doctor Jackson's present issues and maybe, just maybe, she could help him to begin reclaiming his life.

* * * *

Later that evening Daniel settled into bed making himself comfortable before focusing on the ceiling. He thought about what Doctor Wentworth had said earlier and realized that he wanted to find out just why Jack never commented on the scar. The scar was alarming and most people couldn't just ignore it. Most people wanted to know why someone would do such a thing and the circumstances that had pushed them to such desperation. Jack had said nothing. Hell, he hadn't even looked at it that Daniel could recall and now he was determined to find out just why that was. As Jack slid in next to him he waited for Jack to also get comfortable then asked, "Jack, why haven't you asked me about the scar on my wrist?"

Jack turned onto his side facing Daniel and gazed at him quietly gauging his lover's responses to treading into previously uncharted territory. Seemingly satisfied that Daniel was all right with the discussion Jack answered, "I wanted you to be the first to bring it up. I wanted you to bring it up when you felt comfortable enough to do so and..."

"And?"

Jack lowered his head before quietly admitting, "And I already know how it was created."

"WHAT? What do you mean you already know how it was created, Jack?"

Jack averted his gaze knowing that it was time he revealed to Daniel the visions he had experienced on occasion during his lover's lengthy captivity, "It was with a dagger, Daniel. The first time you only scratched yourself. The second time you managed to cut a little bit deeper. It was the third time, the third time that you found the strength to create that scar..."

Daniel was pale and unable to speak. All he could do was stare at his lover aghast as Jack continued, "You debated about it, but in the end you made the move. You knew that you had to finish it quickly or you'd lose the nerve, so you pressed the blade to your arm again prepared to make a parallel incision. You pressed the tip into your skin and started to do just that, but someone stopped you. I don't know who or how. I just remember the sudden pain that flared up in my wrist and the unbearable pressure. It felt as if all the bones in my wrist were being crushed simultaneously..."

Daniel managed to force words passed his lips as he softly questioned, "Your wrist?"

"Yes, my wrist."

"But that's..."

"I felt your pain that day, Daniel. I heard your voice. I heard your voice in the air, felt that blade slice, felt your despair... I fell to my knees as your pain became my own. Not just your physical pain Daniel, no, I felt the weight, the burden on your soul. I felt your despair, your anguish... I felt it and it brought tears to my eyes. You hurt so much that day. Oma...Oma told me that you were in pain. She said that your spirit was crying out for comfort..."

"No, no. Jack, this, this is impossible. You couldn't..."

" 'He can sense you though he does not understand. He believes he merely dreams of you. He does not realize that you speak to him and calm him though he is so far from you...' These were her exact words to me, Daniel. Her EXACT words."

"But...how?"

"How should I know? I don't know. How did she know where to find me? How did she know you were suffering? How? I don't know, but she did and I felt you on that day Daniel...and that wasn't the first time either. You used to call to me at night, pleading with me to find you, to save you, to protect you from him..."

"What...what else did she say?"

"That we are one, that we live as one... She also said we'd be okay in the end. We'd be okay."

"I hope she's right."

"When has Mother Nature ever been wrong, Daniel?"

"There's a first time for everything Jack..."

"No, no. I don't think she's wrong. I really don't. This feels...something about this, about US feels so...right. No, I don't think she was wrong at all, Daniel."

Daniel released a tense breath as he softly added, "I'm glad to hear that Jack," before he chose to turn his back to his lover and curl up on his side. Jack felt his heart lurch in his chest as he sensed Daniel's automatic withdrawal. He knew that to touch Daniel now could either startle him, anger him or relax him and he knew that Daniel needed some form of comfort so without considering the repercussions of his actions Jack lowered to the bed and gathered Daniel in his arms. He carefully spooned his body around that of his lover's pulling Daniel into a hug. He then decided to try something hoping it would help ease the young man further and focused on matching his breathing to that of his lover's.

After some time Jack noted that Daniel was now more relaxed and at some point in the last few minutes had managed to drift off into a comfortable, calm, relaxing sleep. He was relieved to realize that his little experiment had paid off.

* * * * * *

Early the next morning Daniel jolted awake. He snapped his eyes open remaining still as he felt ice-cold fear rush through his veins. He gazed at the ceiling above immobilized and uncertain as to where he was. His first thought was that he was with Osiris and quickly panic arose to join his fear. My God what was happening? Where was he? Was he alone or...?

As a soft moan filled the room Daniel's panic threatened to steal his very breath slowly robbing him of oxygen. He clenched his eyes tightly shut listening to the terrified beating of his own heart and feeling defenseless, helpless and alone. As a warm hand found his arm he gasped jerking his gaze towards the source and finding himself already making attempts to leave the bed undetected. When he managed to slip off the bed without disturbing his deeply slumbering partner he approached the window briefly looking outside before hanging his head as he became aware of his surroundings. He was with Jack. Thank heavens. For a few moments he had been so certain, so positive that he again lay with his lord and that his release from indentured servitude had just been another dream, a wild attempt on his part, a desperate yearning for something that never would be.

He drew his arms tightly across his chest as a cold chill filled him. When would this stop? When would the panic, the doubts, the fears and the uncertainty stop? It was bad enough that ninety percent of the time he couldn't sleep and now, now he was struck full of terror upon waking? Why? Why was this happening? He was with Jack so why did he still wake some mornings believing he had dreamt that he was free? Why couldn't his mind accept that he was home and stop making him feel crazy? My God, first he struggled to fall asleep then he struggled to stay asleep and now? Now he was afraid to wake up? Why? He shook his head in disgust as he counted in his mind the number of times he had awaken to terror and panic. How many times was it? God, it had happened more times than he could count... What was happening to him? Was he going crazy, being driven slowly insane? What the hell was happening to him?

God, he couldn't concentrate. He couldn't sleep. He had horrifying nightmares and now he was afraid to wake up in the mornings? What the hell was that about? And what was with the damned intrusive thoughts and memories that hounded him and snuck up on him at the worst possible times? Was all this shit normal or was he really going crazy? What was happening to him? Why was this happening?

He shook his head forcing his mind to quiet down as he made himself look out the window. When he saw a squirrel scurrying up a tree he tried to keep his entire attention directed on it, but soon discovered that his mind refused to be so easily silenced. Instead he began thinking about his life up until now. Things had been so simple, so easy for him before Osiris had stolen him and used him. Things had been so much better before Osiris had forced him into indentured servitude, had forced him to become his personal servant and had ruined his life.

He lifted his head slightly upon hearing the approach of another. He knew who it was and was grateful that Jack was here for him, but at the same time he wanted to be alone. Instead of telling Jack that he remained quiet listening to his lover, knowing that he was about to say something but unsure as to what.

Jack smiled as he approached his lover who stood gazing out the window, and like so many other times before he found himself wondering what was running through Daniel's mind. Did gazing out the window ease him or soothe him in some way? He hoped that Daniel found some solace in it, for Daniel needed all the solace he could find. He stopped behind his lover saying, "Daniel, are you all right? Do you...?"

Daniel tensed swallowing hard as Jack's voice seemed to suddenly fade out and be replaced by that of another...

"Does this excite you, my pet?"

He closed his eyes trying to fight back the intrusive memories forcing their way into his conscious mind not wanting to remember, but hopeless to stop the onslaught...

"I want you to lie on our bed. Come spread yourself out for me. I desire to see all of

you..."

"Daniel..."

He jumped as Jack's familiar voice filtered in breaking through his memories temporarily. He turned his head slightly prepared to speak but unable to think beyond the memories still invading. He closed his eyes as he reached up to grip his nose gently between his fingers managing a quiet, "Jack..." before images in his head proceeded to send him back in time. He tensed further as Osiris' voice echoed in his mind blocking out Jack's completely...

"Does leather excite you, Daniel? Do you desire to feel the kiss of the lash across your

beautiful backside?"

Daniel shook his head beginning to softly mutter no over and over as he saw himself willingly offering his body to his master for punishing, saw images of himself begging and pleading for the cat-o'-nine-tails to be applied to his skin, saw images of how he had panted and moaned as in between strokes of the lash his master openly fondled him, gripping his dick and massaging his balls before finger fucking him, saw still more images of how he had climaxed as a result of Osiris' little experimental game of pain and pleasure.

He jumped as the sound of the lash impacting his body filled his head. Again and again the sounds filtered in and filtered through driving him further and further away from himself, away from his body and away from Jack. He remembered the feeling so well. He was disassociating. God no, NO! He couldn't do this! No, if he left he'd never be able to find his way back again. Never. NO!

He screamed feeling his heart pounding erratically in his chest as his palms began to sweat while he tried to regain his breathing. He was panting, gasping for each breath trying to stumble passed the fog his brain enveloped him in. He jerked around as a light stroke glided across his shoulder prepared to fight the one who had dared to touch him. Without thought or consideration he lashed out shoving his assailant as hard as he could while screaming a desperate "no" at the top of his lungs. He watched in satisfaction as his attacker flew to the floor prepared to lash out again if the man dared to make another move.

Jack tensed when Daniel stopped responding to him. He realized immediately that Daniel was ignoring him. At first he thought Daniel was deliberately shutting him out and he became so angry that he touched Daniel's shoulder determined to turn him around and MAKE him pay attention. He was completely caught off guard when Daniel violently shoved him. He didn't even know what had happened until he found himself lying on the floor. When he looked up at Daniel he saw a mix of emotions crossing that face: fear, anger, terror and most noticeable was the lack of recognition. Daniel didn't even seem to be looking at him, rather he was looking right THROUGH him.

His mind tumbled that information about bringing him quickly to the conclusion that Daniel had just been triggered. He was all too familiar with triggers because he still experienced those on occasion. Certain smells, sounds and comments could automatically send him on a one-way trip back to his Iraqi prison. He knew instantly that something he had either said or done had "tripped" his lover sending Daniel on a trip back into memories of the missing year of his life.

He felt torn, unsure of how to proceed and wanting nothing more than to take all Daniel's pain away. He spoke softly, "Daniel? Daniel, listen to me. Daniel, you're at home. You're free. You're free. Osiris has no control over you now. Daniel. DANIEL!"

His words fell on deaf ears for Daniel still had a far away look in his eyes. He was trapped in a past he wanted to forget. Jack knew he had to proceed with caution so he slowly stood up continuing to speak to Daniel keeping his voice calm. Daniel watched him with suspicion and uncertainty. He held himself rigid and Jack knew that he was prepared to fight or flee if he felt threatened at all. He prayed that Daniel would choose to fight if it came down to it because if he were to flee in his present state... He didn't want to even consider what could happen if that were the case. He knew how important it was to keep Daniel right here and continued talking to him in a calming voice, relaxing only when Daniel seemed to come out of the memory saying, "I did it again, didn't I? God, I can't believe I did it again!"

Again? As if a light bulb suddenly clicked on in Jack's head he realized why Daniel was drawing more distant as of late. Daniel had just recognized that he had drifted away again so that could only mean... "Daniel, have you been experiencing a lot of flashbacks?"

"Flashbacks Jack?"

"Yes invading memories. You're working or talking when a sound or a phrase or scent sets of your memories, sends you back in time to your captivity, makes you feel as if you're re-experiencing everything all over again."

Daniel swallowed hard not wanting to answer the question, and knowing that Jack was wandering way too close to the truth. He immediately became defensive, "So what if I am?"

"Then you need to talk about it Daniel. Things are setting you off and you don't even realize it."

"Setting me off? What the hell are you talking about, Jack?"

"PTSD..."

"I told you I don't have that, Jack!"

"Yes, Daniel, you do."

"NO! I wasn't hurt! I wasn't!"

"Daniel you were traumatized..."

"Traumatized? You've been talking to Sam, Jack? Is that it? Do the two of you enjoy discussing me behind my back, Jack? Is that it?"

"No, Daniel, no. Why are you getting so defensive?"

"I AM NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE, DAMN IT!"

"Yes you are."

“NO I’M NOT!”

Jack focused on keeping his voice calm as he continued, "You need to speak to Doctor Wentworth..."

"I don't need to do anything, Jack!"

"Daniel, this is very serious. If you're experiencing flashbacks, if you're being triggered..."

"I AM NOT CRAZY!"

"No you're not Daniel and no one has said you are, but you need to speak to..."

Daniel faced Jack head on eyes blazing as he responded, "Fuck you, Jack. FUCK YOU!" before shoving past his lover and heading straight for the door. He heard Jack demanding, "Daniel where are you going? We need to talk about this."

"I'm taking a walk."

"Running away isn't going to solve anything, Daniel. You need to face this."

Daniel held his back ramrod straight refusing to turn back and look at his lover. Instead he continued walking out of the bedroom hearing Jack still calling his name and making his way as quickly to the stairs as he was able not wanting Jack near him at the moment. He refused to turn around though he knew Jack had followed, instead he headed downstairs, grabbed his keys and left the house wasting precious little time starting his car and pulling out of the driveway only aware an hour later that he still wasn't completely dressed. Upon that realization Daniel turned the car around knowing that he needed to return to the house but uncertain what to expect once he arrived.

As Daniel pulled in the driveway and entered the house he saw Jack sitting in the dining room still not dressed himself. He sat there staring off into space not even looking in his direction as he approached. He wanted to speak to Jack, to apologize for earlier but was hesitant to do so. He was afraid, afraid of rejection, of Jack's anger, of his rage and most of all he was afraid to see disappointment in Jack's eyes, disappointment and hurt that he was solely responsible for placing there.

He swallowed hard continuing to stand at the entrance to the dining room, unable to make a move towards his lover. Feeling disheartened and angry at his own inability to face Jack quite yet, Daniel turned abruptly away and raced up the stairs wiping haphazardly at the few stubborn tears that had managed somehow to leak out and tumble down across his cheeks. It took him several moments to calm down enough just to get dressed and once he was able to do so without shaking he entered the bathroom, brushing his teeth and combing his hair before taking a deep breath determined to speak with Jack.

As he returned to the dining room Daniel noticed that Jack hadn't yet moved. He hesitantly took the seat nearest the older man afraid to speak or touch Jack for fear that he would be angry and upset with him, so he entwined his hands placing them in his lap before staring at them. He knew that he should say something, anything, but was too frightened. He tried to anticipate Jack's reactions finding that all possible ones were anything but positive, so he remained silent feeling an overwhelming need to run away again but determined to sit and wait to see what Jack would do.

After several extremely tense minutes passed with neither saying a word or moving Jack questioned, "How was your drive?"

Still unable to even look at his lover and feeling like a kid in trouble with the principal Daniel quietly answered, "Uh good, good."

"Uh huh."

"Yeah."

"That's good. That's..."

"I didn't drive very far. I just... It was nice."

Again the silence fell around them becoming tenser than previously. Daniel swallowed hard as he became aware of the fact that it felt a little hot in the room and his chest was tight. He cleared his throat and closed his eyes as he tried to keep his breathing steady and normal, but as several more extremely intense moments went by his breathing only grew harsher. When those seconds turned into minutes with neither saying a word Daniel felt his chest squeezing tighter. He cleared his throat again aware that it was starting to ache and his breathing still wasn't calm. He tried to remain motionless not wanting Jack to realize that he was having a little difficulty drawing air into his lungs, but his chest only ached harder. Without conscious thought he slowly lifted his hand to his chest placing it protectively over his heart still keeping his eyes shut and trying to swallow passed the dryness in his throat. He was completely unaware that the simple action drew Jack's undivided attention and that his lover was becoming very worried for him very quickly.

When Daniel entered the dining room and took a seat Jack felt relieved, but it wasn't long before that relief developed into nervousness and uncertainty. He knew that he needed to speak with Daniel, to say something but he had no idea what. When Daniel had left abruptly earlier his first response was anger. He was outraged that Daniel had again chosen to run away from his problems instead of facing them head on. He was pissed that Daniel refused to confide in him. He had planned to chase after Daniel like he had in the past but decided the effort was useless. All he'd do was piss Daniel off even more and their disagreement would quickly escalate to a screaming match. Hell, they had nearly reached that level of tension earlier but Daniel had left. Jack had decided to remain in the house determined not to go after Daniel and bring him home. Daniel would have to do that on his own because he was sick and tired of chasing Daniel's ass all over Colorado Springs only to bring him back and further enrage him, so he sat in the dining room refusing to move, ready to jump down Daniel's throat the instant he returned. But as minutes quickly developed into a half an hour then forty-five minutes his rage quickly turned into fear; he found himself sitting on the edge of his chair waiting for the call that would destroy him and feeling guilty as hell for allowing his lover to leave the house angry. His thoughts then quickly turned to worries and fears that something would happen to Daniel, and he would be responsible since he had been too stubborn, too pig-headed to chase after him.

When Daniel had finally returned Jack had felt a mixture of emotions with relief and anger being the two most dominant. He knew if he had opened his mouth at that time then Daniel would've probably turned right back around and left him again, so he remained silent allowing his anger to develop into rage as he listened to Daniel moving about upstairs. By the time Daniel returned and had taken the closest seat to him he had no words to say finding that he was afraid to speak and uncertain as to just what to do, so he decided to leave Daniel be the one to initiate the conversation. But as time ticked on he could stand the silence no longer wanting desperately to fill it he asked the only question that came to mind, which in turn set up one of the oddest and quickest conversations he ever had with his lover. Again the silence fell between them and that's when Jack heard the soft wheezing in his lover's breathing. He immediately became afraid, unsure if Daniel even realized that he was practically gasping for breath but as he focused on his lover and watched Daniel clutch his chest he knew what was happening: Daniel was on the verge of a panic attack, and he was the one responsible. He watched his lover trying to regain his breathing and felt his heart leap into his throat as Daniel seemed to be losing the battle. He knew Daniel was close to all out panic, but he couldn't think of a thing to say or do to help his love calm down. If he said the wrong thing Daniel would slip into the panic. If he said the right thing Daniel might still slip into panic. What should he do? What could he do? He swallowed hard refusing to take his eyes off of his lover, sitting on the edge of his seat, prepared to leap out of it if Daniel needed any help at all. He grew frustrated when he couldn't think of what to say. Damn it!

Jack licked his lips before nervously gnawing on the bottom one as he watched Daniel closely. He knew that he had to say something. He had to keep his voice calm so he prayed he'd say the right things and started, "Have you told Doctor Wentworth about your flashbacks?"

Daniel only shook his head still struggling with his breathing. It now sounded even harsher, which scared Jack shitless. He mentally ordered Daniel to breathe and to speak but his lover didn't seem to be listening to that advice so he continued, "You should talk to her about them. She's a good doctor and she's trained to deal with those kinds of things."

"I know," came Daniel's strained response. Jack was encouraged by the comment so he continued, "You're not crazy, Daniel. I know it may seem that way to you. I know that you're experiencing a lot of the things we discussed and I know you don't understand any of it. I was the same way. I didn't know what was happening and I thought I was going crazy myself. The flashbacks were partly responsible for my divorce and my drinking problem."

The comments drew Daniel's attention and Jack felt relieved that Daniel was now looking at him, but he still clutched his chest and his breathing still sounded harsh so Jack continued, "They surface unexpectedly. You could be sitting in a park when a kid screams and find yourself on the ground, hunched over, covering your head and cowering in fear. You could be talking to someone when suddenly the voice of your captor emerges and drowns them out. You could be watching television when an alarm sounds and instantly you're scared shitless. Daniel, these are all normal reactions to PTSD and I know you don't want to believe you have it, but you do. You don't think you need help. You believe you can do it all on your own and you are doing well but suddenly invasive memories surface, you can't concentrate, you can't sleep, you wake up at the oddest hours of the night, you can't keep names, dates, information straight... You feel like you're alone and you feel like you're losing your mind, but you're not. You're not Daniel..."

"I'm not..."

Jack winced as he heard the slightest elevation in Daniel's voice indicating that the panic attack was close at hand. He got up and dragged his chair over to Daniel pulling Daniel's free hand into his and looking Daniel directly in the eyes as he continued, "No, you're not crazy. You never were crazy. You just need a little help right now. Your mind has decided that it no longer wants to be passive in your healing and is making you recall what happened to help you deal with it, accept it and move on. There is nothing wrong with you Daniel."

"Nothing?"

The high pitch echoing in that word set Jack's heart to racing. Daniel was so close, so close to all out panic. Without thought or consideration for his actions Jack placed his other hand over top the hand Daniel was clutching desperately over his chest. The moment Jack made contact with that hand Daniel realized that he knew a panic attack was looming. His eyes widened and his breathing grew harsher as the attack threatened to draw him in.

Jack was quicker holding Daniel's gaze locked with his own, gripping Daniel's left hand in his squeezing it in encouragement while keeping his other hand clamped firmly over the hand Daniel clutched to his chest. He started speaking in softer tones urging, "Breathe Daniel, breathe for me. Breathe..."

As Daniel pulled in a very shaky breath Jack continued, "Breathe, love. Breathe with me. Listen to my breathing and breathe with me. Come on love we did this last night breathe with me. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale... Good, good love you're doing great. You're all right. You're all right. I'm here, you're here...we're together and we'll always be together. Come on Danny breathe, breathe with me. That's it. There you go, inhale slowly. Exhale. Slow, slow love we're not in a hurry. Take it nice and slow. Breathe for me, baby. Breathe..."

Daniel managed a gasping snort as Jack addressed him as 'baby' and tried speaking, "Baby... Jack...you don't...call me...that...often..."

"Breathe, Daniel. Don't try to talk yet. Breathe. Breathe. In...out...in...out... There you go... You're right I don't. I seem to recall you forbidding me to address you as baby... Good Daniel. Keep breathing, hold my hand, squeeze it if you like. Feel my hands on top of yours. Listen to my breathing. Nice and easy, in and out, nice and easy, slow...slow. Good love. You're doing great."

Daniel managed a weak smile as he forced out, "Lamaze coach...Jack..."

Jack smiled and answered, "Do you think I'd be good at it?"

Finding he still couldn't breathe completely normally Daniel settled for nodding continuing to listen to Jack's breathing, listen to what he was saying and grip his hand tightly. He knew just how close he was to panicking and the last thing he wanted to do was have an attack right here in front of Jack. He forced himself to listen to his lover, to concentrate on his voice and his breathing, hearing Jack's soft encouraging words and feeling the tension beginning to ease within his chest. He closed his eyes trying to match his inhalations with those of his lover's and smiling softly when he realized it was working. Thank God it was working!

When he finally regained his breathing and succeeded in calming completely, Daniel offered his lover a warm smile saying, "Thank you Jack."

Jack, feeling extremely proud of Daniel and extremely relieved at the same time, eased his hand off of Daniel's chest, tenderly cupping the side of his face before replying, "Anytime, Daniel, anytime..." and felt his heart swell with love as Daniel turned his face into that hand pressing a light kiss to the palm. He smiled before softly inquiring, "Better?"

"Yes..."

"Come here, hon."

Daniel nodded before moving into Jack's arms, smiling more as Jack pulled him into a comforting embrace. They stayed like that for several minutes before Daniel gazed at Jack who returned the smile before swooping down to capture Daniel's lips in his. At first Daniel tensed feeling his breath escape harshly, but as Jack deepened the kiss he began to moan and part his lips melting into the shared kiss and feeling desire stirring in his loins.

Jack drew much pleasure from kissing Daniel and found that he wanted his lover badly. He released Daniel's hand before pulling him closer then casually sliding his left hand down across Daniel's back before insinuating it beneath the fabric of his lover's jeans, smiling as his fingers grazed the waistband of Daniel's underwear. He wanted more than just a kiss but forced himself to refrain from going any further. As they broke apart both breathless Jack felt his dick hardening. When Daniel leaned in to capture his lips Jack found himself slipping his hand around to the front of Daniel's jeans beginning to work on unbuttoning then unzipping them. As he pushed the jeans down some Daniel instantly captured the wayward hand in his own and gripped it tightly before breaking away and uttering, "Too...too soon Jack. No...please. Not...not ready for this."

"I want you Daniel. I want you so badly..."

"I...and I want you too but..."

"No. No buts..."

"It's too soon. We can't, especially after what just happened."

"Why can't we?"

"Because I can't."

"But you're so damned ready, Daniel. I can feel you. You want me too so take me."

Jack leaned in to capture his lips and silence Daniel's protests continuing his attempts to part Daniel permanently from his jeans, but Daniel continued to grip his hand, squeezing harder as Jack continued. As Jack slid his other hand up to palm the back of Daniel's head his lover froze jerking away as he screeched, "Not the neck! Please not the neck! I...I don't want to remember. Please."

Jack instantly stilled both hands as he recalled the last time his hand ventured towards the base of Daniel's neck. He swallowed hard as he realized how very close he was to a trigger spot on Daniel's body and immediately all thoughts of making love to him fled as concern filtered in. He could see the terror and fear reflected in Daniel's eyes. He could see how Daniel was ready to scream and pull away but remained still, and as he lowered his hand to the middle of Daniel's back he saw immediate relief fill the younger man. All he could manage was to pull Daniel back into his arms and hold him close as he whispered, "Ah Danny. I'm sorry, so sorry hon, so sorry."

"No, not, not your fault Jack. I just... I... It frightens me to, to lose touch with all reality to, to find myself back, back there because of a touch and I just... It's all right love. It's all right."

He tightened his hold on Jack before propping his forehead against Jack's and softly saying, "Love you, Jack."

"Love you too Danny. Love you too."

Daniel softly moaned and closed his eyes as he questioned, "Does it ever get any easier Jack?"

"Yes Daniel it does."

"When?"

"With time. It takes time."

"Yeah..."

"A lot of time, but it does get easier, Danny. I promise you it does get easier."

Daniel nodded and pressed a shy kiss to Jack's lips before lowering his head to Jack's shoulder and drawing comfort from being held so closely.

Next:

DISPELLING INHIBITIONS

Feedback to: bluebirdstears@yahoo.com

Back

Parts Index

Slash Fiction Index

Home

Copyright©2004-2008 Midnightstorms.net

All Rights Reserved.