Daniel Jackson

 

                                                         Personal Sacrifice Part 20

                                                                                                                                                    By:  Stacy L.

 

 

STRIVING FOR NORMALCY

Confusion and Uncertainty

 

Daniel set to work cleaning, wanting to keep himself occupied, fearing that if he didn't the questions, doubts, fears and memories would crowd in and drown him. The distraction tactic worked for a while, but it wasn't long before he found himself stopping in the midst of dusting or vacuuming as unwanted memories made an appearance without warning. He gasped as he remembered snippets of his anal training. He shook his head to clear it still shocked that last night he had suckled Jack's finger. God why? What...why had he done that? And to make matters worse, he'd had a flashback. He had begged his lord to fuck him, he was certain, but if he had said those words then why was Jack still here? Why would Jack remain with him after he'd unwillingly demonstrated two of the things he'd had to do for his lord? He was certain that he had begged to be fucked, and then there was that little incident of suckling his lover's finger. God, how? Why? What did Jack think of him now? Jack had to know, had to at least suspect that his sexual service hadn't stopped with just those two things. God, Jack had to know that sexual service had been a major expectation. He had been trained to become a sexual artist, and he had learned those skills well. He knew how to fuck, how to please, how to stimulate and arouse... He knew how to seduce and how to enhance his own sexual appeal. He knew how to do so much to please another in the bedroom, and he knew how to draw enjoyment and excitement from both pain and pleasure. He'd had a very in depth education on the finer points of sex, for his master made certain that he was trained extensively. If Jack were ever to learn just how he had been trained to accept certain things, to do certain things...to perform certain acts he would be horrified. Jack would be horrified and probably would never be able to accept him back. Jack would be too sickened by his presence to want him around. He'd lose him the moment he revealed any of the sexual acts he'd had to carry out for his master's pleasure and enjoyment. He'd lose Jack and that was something he didn't think he would be capable of handling.

 

Daniel tried to force his mind to focus elsewhere wanting to forget what he had done to please his master. He didn't want to remember. He wanted to forget. He wanted to forget everything he had been forced to do while he had served his lord. He just wanted to forget it all, but that was something he was finding very difficult to do. How could he when the images and memories repeated in his mind, taunting him and harassing him?

 

He swallowed hard clenching his eyes tightly shut as he saw himself writhing upon the mattress while his master crooned in his ear and fondled him with a vibrator. He licked his lips hearing his breathing building as he recalled the pleasure, the unbelievable pleasure he had experienced the moment his master had pushed the vibrator inside him, teasing him and urging him to open up and to accept the sex toy. His lord had praised him for responding so eagerly, so openly to the new experience and had enjoyed stroking his opening, teasing him until he begged to be fucked, until he begged for the toy to fuck him.

 

Unconsciously he gripped his groin, clutching his dick and balls in his hand and squeezing as he felt the tightness in the muscles. He softly panted as he felt his dick hardening as the memories stimulated him and left him desperate to climax. He drew his bottom lip in between his teeth gently biting into it as he recalled the intensity that followed the vibrator's invasion into his body. He had climaxed so quickly that day and now he could feel the pre-cum seeping through the crotch of his pants. Shit, he wanted to be fucked right now! SHIT! The images continued to play through his mind and all he could do was respond to them with a softly whispered, "Oh God...hmm..."

 

Without thought he removed his hand from his pants and carefully eased it down below the waistband of his jeans, beneath the fabric of his briefs until he cupped his hand around himself, gripping himself intimately, feeling the warmth and moisture of his pre-cum on his fingers. He sighed in pleasure as he slowly started to rub his hand up and down across his now swollen member softly mewling as he came into contact with the baby-soft skin of his shaven groin. He started panting in mere moments as his hand created unbelievable friction leaving him extremely aroused and desperate to orgasm. He started to slowly rock his hips back and forth drawing immense pleasure from rubbing himself intimately as he recalled the feeling of the vibrator's fullness within his body...

 

In and out, in and out his lord continued to torment him, fucking him with the vibrator as it moved to and fro making the sensation even more intense. He clung to the sheets beneath his writhing, bucking body as his lord drew immense pleasure from gliding the toy in and out of his body again and again until he came fast and hard screaming the name of his lover and sagging against the sheets, gasping for breath...

 

He cried out as he could feel all the muscles in his genital region tightening deliciously as his arousal quickly guided him towards climax. He could feel his orgasm building moaning loudly in pleasure as the short, rhythmic muscular contractions began deep within triggering his orgasm and forcing a scream to elicit forth from his lips as he forcefully came all over his hand, creaming his jeans and sending him stumbling to the couch to recover his now erratic breathing. He sat on the couch for several long minutes, gripping himself so tightly, drawing immense pleasure from feeling the warm dampness that now surrounded his groin and smelling the intense aroma of sex.

 

He began to relax slowly easing his hand out of his jeans. Opening his eyes he gazed in surprise and interest at the wet spot now covering the crotch of his jeans. He could smell his cum and feel it on his body, on his briefs and knew that he would now have to change, and wash his jeans as well as himself. He blushed as he stood up and headed to the bathroom to begin his chore continuing to feel the blush creeping high onto his cheeks as he stripped out of his clothes and began to clean himself with a wash cloth, still somewhat surprised that he came all over himself by recalling his master teasing him with a vibrator. Shit, this was absolutely crazy! What the hell was he a damned sex addict? Shit! What the fuck had Osiris done to him? He shook his head feeling both angry and satisfied at the same time. The orgasm was very pleasurable, but he was extremely angry with himself for allowing Osiris to again be the one to trigger that arousal within him. Why the hell couldn't he have come all over himself thinking of Jack? Damn it! Would he ever be able to forget what that bastard had done to him while he had served him? Would he ever be able to forget that bastard at all?

 

His anger quickly turned into a mix of rage and disgust with himself. He grabbed up his clothes and stomped downstairs to throw them in the washing machine wanting to clean them before Jack returned and hating himself for drawing such intense pleasure from memories of a time he had spent in bed with another. As he turned on the washing machine and slammed the lid closed he stomped back upstairs coming to a halt at the top of them as shame started to filter in and tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. Shit! He would not fuckin' cry! NO! He forced the tears back swallowing past the lump forming in his throat and replacing his shame with rage once again. He gazed at the vacuum cleaner sitting right where he had left it considering momentarily going over there and kicking the damned thing, choosing instead to return to the bedroom.

 

As he entered the bedroom he quickly dressed before turning to leave. He paused at the doorway gazing at the window across from him and decided to approach it. Once to the window he stood looking out at the front yard and trying to silence his unsettling thoughts. He then wrapped his arms about his chest and tried to block out the shame and guilt that were trying to seize him. Shit, how was he ever going to get beyond the pain, the shame and the guilt if he kept feeling so damned lost and depressed? How could he move beyond the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that thinking of his master always triggered? How?

 

                                                       * * * *

Several Hours Later...

 

Jack stood in the bedroom doorway watching the silent, withdrawn young man he loved with all his being. He watched him noticing how the light played across his drawn face and soft silky hair. He remembered how it felt to touch that man, to hold him, to kiss him, to love him and it hurt to see him now. He stood with his arms drawn across his chest as if trying to hug himself. He stared out of the window gazing in silence at what lay beyond. Jack closed his eyes knowing that he had to speak to Daniel but not certain how to do so or what to say, so he settled for speaking just above a whisper, "Daniel?"

 

Daniel didn't respond. He continued to gaze out of the window not sure what to do with himself. He was free, free but...but what should he do now? He was free yet his life was so different, so complicated now. He was home, home after all those months but still he didn't feel relieved. He didn't feel anything... He was home. He was with Jack. He had been for a while now so things should have changed. Things should be different, yet he still didn't feel anything but endless despair and emptiness.

 

He started when he heard his name being spoken so softly by the one he loved with all his heart. He loved the man, he truly did, but like before he felt nothing. He released a soft sob to the air feeling his despair burrow deeper within. He could feel Jack's eyes on him and knew he was worried. He also knew that he should be responding to Jack but didn't know what to say. He tensed as he heard Jack moving behind him approaching him before inquiring, "What are you thinking about? Daniel, please talk to me. Please."

 

The younger man lowered his head before answering, "What do you want me to say, Jack?"

 

"Just...tell me how you're feeling."

 

"I'm fine."

 

"But how do you feel, Daniel? How do you feel?"

 

"I'm fine, Jack."

 

"You are not fine."

 

"Yes I am."

 

"Daniel, why can't you just tell me how you feel?"

 

Daniel stood still, continuing to stare out of the window, refusing to turn to face Jack or even acknowledge that he was behind him. He allowed the seconds of silence to stretch before simply replying, "Lost...I feel lost, Jack, just...lost."

 

Jack inhaled deeply feeling his heart lodging into his throat as tears pricked the edges of his eyes. Lost? Daniel felt lost?

 

"Ah Danny." Without hesitation he reached out and touched Daniel's arm, waiting for his automatic response to yank himself away. When it didn't occur Jack slowly eased his arms around Daniel pulling him back against him. He couldn't miss the gasp of shock or the sudden tension in Daniel's lean frame as he did so. He shook his head before adding, "How can I help you through this, love? How? How can I help you?"

 

"I...I don't know, Jack. I don't know."

 

Daniel fell silent easing his head back against Jack's shoulder. They stood in the silence, both gazing out of the window and neither saying another word as evening became night.

 

After several more hours passed Jack softly urged, "Would you like to go to bed now Daniel?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Bed? How does that sound?"

 

"Jack you didn't eat and..."

 

“I ate at the office. How about you and I lie down."

 

"I don't think I can sleep Jack."

 

"Come on, love. Let's lie down. I'll hold you and you can tell me a bedtime story. How's that sound?"

 

Daniel snickered and smiled before yawning. He felt his eyes watering and blinked sharply, aware that he was feeling extremely tired. He then nodded replying, "Yeah that sounds good Jack. Let's lie down, but I warn you I won't be able to sleep."

 

"Well we'll be more comfortable."

 

"Yes..."

 

They made their way across the room together and Jack helped Daniel undress and urged him into bed. Daniel willingly obliged, crawling in under the blankets and moving around until he was settled. The older man quickly discarded his own clothing before slipping beneath the covers and quickly drawing his lover into his arms. He held his breath momentarily afraid that Daniel would yank himself away, releasing that breath only when Daniel immediately slid his lithe body up against him and snuggled deep into his embrace. He gazed at his lover's face smiling secretly as Daniel closed his eyes releasing a rather loud sigh to the air. It was only moments before another yawn captured him and he surrendered to his tiredness. Jack could only chuckle softly as within moments Daniel was sleeping soundly in his arms. He pressed a tender kiss to the side of Daniel's face whispering, "Sleep Daniel. Sleep. I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise you, love, I'm not going anywhere."

 

Jack sighed in pleasure as he felt the warm, sensual body of his lover pressed so intimately against him. He deeply inhaled Daniel's precious manly scent and found himself nuzzling the man's neck. As Daniel shifted to snuggle deeper into his arms Jack tensed as he felt the sexy derriere rubbing up against his groin causing quite a stir in him. He shifted as his obvious hard-on pressed firmly against his lover's backside and hoped that the swollen organ wouldn't cause Daniel's rest to be disturbed. When minutes ticked by and Daniel didn't awaken, tense or shift away from him he began to relax, feeling extremely giddy knowing that Daniel didn't feel threatened by his lover's obvious arousal. In fact, Daniel felt so comfortable that he hadn't moved an inch, and Jack wasn't about to move away from him. Instead he refused to break his hold on his lover enjoying the pure pleasure of holding him so close. It wasn't long before he too found himself fast asleep with an armful of archaeologist to keep him company during the long hours of the night.

 

                                                       * * * *

Jack jerked awake the moment he heard the desperate pleas and felt the struggles of the one still entwined in his arms. As he focused on his bedmate he knew instantly what was happening and cursed Osiris for providing his lover with a ton of new nightmares to disturb his peaceful slumber. Every single night since his return Daniel had dreamed and every single night he became restless begging and pleading with invisible ghosts, fighting in his arms to break away while gut wrenching sobs flew forth from his mouth. Every night Daniel dreamed and the dreams never gave him a moment's solace. Damn! It was bad enough that before his captivity he had tons of nightmares that stole precious hours of needed slumber and now he had even more. It was so unfair. Daniel shouldn't have to suffer like he was. He shouldn't have nightmares. He shouldn't have to fight to heal from a lengthy captivity. Why did he have to suffer? Why? Why did Daniel always have to suffer needlessly and endlessly? WHY?

 

As Daniel jumped in his arms Jack immediately tightened his hold aware that Daniel was now awake and breathing much too fast for his liking. He was gasping for breath and still fighting to break free. Yelling and screaming that he didn't mean it and that he was sorry. He repeated Daniel's name several times only stopping when Daniel jerked around to face him and recognition flared in the depths of blue terror-stricken eyes. He silently observed his lover as Daniel started to calm and relax. When he was certain that Daniel was calm enough to speak he gently prodded, "Daniel what's wrong? What's going on?"

 

Daniel responded in a haunted broken voice, "I killed them, Jack. I killed them."

 

Jack observed his lover stuck between uncertainty and disbelief. He killed them? Who? Who did he kill? He softened his voice another octave as he inquired, "Who Daniel? Who did you kill?"

 

Daniel looked devastated. He was quite obviously crying. He started shaking his head and rocking back and forth clutching his arms to his body tightly. Daniel then looked up as he continued in that voice full of sorrow and despair, "I killed them all, Jack. Every man, woman and child... I killed them all. There's no one left, not even a planet. I... It's all my fault."

 

Jack swallowed hard not daring to believe his lover's words. Daniel would never kill anybody, especially not women and children. He couldn't do it. He couldn't live with such guilt and shame. He just couldn't handle it. He refused to believe Daniel's own words of condemnation wanting to draw him into his arms and hold him closely but so afraid that Daniel would reject his touch yet again, and he couldn't handle that right now. His lover was in so much pain, so much torment and all he wanted was to soothe him and comfort him, to assure him that he could never do as he had just said. He shook his head again as he denied Daniel's words, "No, no. You wouldn't do that, Daniel. You couldn't do that."

 

"But I did. I did and now, and now they're all...they're all gone Jack, all of them...gone and it's all because of me, all of it..."

 

"No, no...Daniel, no. I know you didn't, you couldn't... No. You would never..."

 

Daniel lifted his face to gaze at Jack, tear streaks glistening across his cheeks, his eyes watery and bloodshot, a look of pure devastation now crossing that beautiful face. Jack reflexively swallowed hard staring in surprise and hurting so badly for his love. He couldn't stall his automatic response, his need to hold Daniel, and pulled him into his arms offering him his shoulder to cry on and feeling relieved as Daniel's arms wrapped around his body as he resorted to clinging to him, holding him as if would die if he was released. Immediately Daniel's face found purchase against his shoulder as he buried his face, hiding it from sight, clinging to him. He could feel the shudders now wracking Daniel's thin frame, hear the catches in his breathing as he struggled to regain control of himself and breathe through his tears, and feel the warm dampness that attested to the tears his lover was still shedding. He tried again, "Daniel, Daniel, you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. You didn't destroy anyone. You didn't..."

 

Daniel responded by rapidly nodding his head up and down. Jack held him tighter lowering his chin onto the top of Daniel's head pressing tender kisses in the now damp tendrils of hair.

 

His dream had been a nightmare. One that kept him tossing violently back and forth, moaning and whimpering as desperate pleas fell from those perfect lips. He had tried to wake Daniel knowing, fearing that the man wouldn't be able to awake soon enough, fearing that the dream would cause irreparable damage. He grew disconcerted as Daniel failed to respond to his soft prods and gentle pleas, failed to respond to the gentle touches and strokes...failed to awake. Instead of settling Daniel had only grown more and more agitated; his pleas escalated to screams and demanding requests for forgiveness before finally, after breaking out in a sweat and becoming extremely restless, he had abruptly jerked awake still screaming and casting a horrified gaze his way as he tried to fight free of the demons still clinging to him while he was awake.

 

He continued holding Daniel and crooning to him trying anything and everything he could think of to help him calm and relax, but he seemed to be failing miserably at the task. He tried a different approach, "Who do you believe you...?"

 

"Failed? Who did I fail? Everyone Jack. I killed everyone. I destroyed Alandria and..."

 

"Alandria?"

 

"Yes I..." He fell silent as if realizing what he was revealing and considering whether he should continue or not. After what seemed like a lengthy debate Daniel continued, "Yes Alandria. I destroyed Alandria. I killed all those people..."

 

"Would you stop saying that please?"

 

"Why? It's true."

 

"No it isn't. Daniel, you wouldn't... You didn't do anything to those people. You didn't do anything!"

 

"I refused My Lord. I denied him and he, he...he punished me for refusing. I...I refused to...and, and he punished me by... It was my fault, Jack, all my fault."

 

"No, no that's where you're wrong, no. Daniel, do you hear me? Are you listening to me? That's where you're wrong love. That's where you're wrong."

 

"No, no I'm...no, no."

 

"Yes. Yes Daniel yes. You didn't hurt anyone. Osiris did. Osiris is the one who killed those people not you, not you. Osiris, it was Osiris..."

 

"But, but I let him...I left him..."

 

"No. NO! You had no choice. No. He used you. He used your compassion against you."

 

"But, but..."

 

"No, Daniel, no. It was him not you. HIM!"

 

He was unsure what Alandria had been and just what Daniel was discussing, but he knew for certain that Daniel would never hurt someone, ever. He sensed that Osiris had used his lover's compassion against him, had somehow manipulated him into open compliance. He wasn't a hundred percent sure what Osiris' plan had been for destroying Alandria, but sensed that he had done it only to hurt Daniel, to hurt him, to torment him, to make him feel guilty and to make him feel ashamed. Osiris had used Daniel's compassion against him, probably to gain control over his stubborn lover, to gain the upper hand knowing that he could manipulate Daniel by using compassion as a weapon. Damn him! DAMN HIM! He held Daniel close allowing his lover time to regain control of himself and relax again.

 

Daniel remained silent staring into the darkness of their bedroom feeling the warmth in Jack's embrace and loving him all the more for being willing to just hold him. He could still hear their screams, still see images of those he had doomed on that fateful day and still felt solely responsible for their deaths. Had he obeyed his lord that day, done what was asked of him then the inhabitants of Athena's beautiful world would have been spared, but instead he had watched helplessly as an entire planet had been blown up right before his eyes. God, a whole planet had been destroyed simply to gain his compliance in the bedroom. How twisted was that?

 

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as he remembered being ordered to crawl for his lord and serve him. He felt ill as he recalled willingly pressing his lips to his master's body and allowing his lord to suck him...oh God! He felt a sudden overwhelming need to be free of Jack's hold and forced the words out in a strained tense breath, "Jack, let me go. Please? I need to...I need to go to the bathroom. Please. Please Jack?"

 

Jack noticed the sudden change in his lover and upon hearing his barely audible request sighed in frustration before softly answering, "Okay. Okay Daniel. Okay." He released Daniel feeling his heart clench when Daniel turned and softly whispered, "Thank you Jack. Thank you. I'll be a few moments. I just need to... I need some...time Jack. Thank you."

 

Jack closed his eyes feeling Daniel's loss the moment he climbed out of bed. He wanted nothing more than to pull Daniel back down beside him and hold him until morning, but something stopped him and he found himself encouraging, "Take all the time you need, Daniel. I'll be right here. Take all the time you need."

 

"Thank you Jack. Sorry, I'm sorry I...sorry..."

 

Daniel quickly turned and headed into the bathroom turning on the bath water, determined to bathe, feeling the need to clean himself overwhelm him.

 

Jack wasn't surprised at all to hear the water being turned on in the middle of the night. Ever since his return Daniel seemed to need to bath more often and to take longer than before. He was certain that bathing so often and for so long helped his lover in some way, so he never complained. He accepted it and settled for listening to his lover, prepared to go in after him if he heard any sounds of distress.

 

                                                       * * * *

Later...

 

After an hour passed Jack became very worried and though he hated to disturb his love he decided that it had to be done. He rose out of bed and approached the bathroom door feeling extremely worried when he could hear no sounds indicating that Daniel resided on the other side. He hesitated only a moment more before knocking on the door. He tried the handle and softly cursed again realizing that Daniel had locked it so he called, "Daniel?" feeling relieved when the man replied with, "Yeah Jack?"

 

"Are you all right?"

 

"Yes, Jack, yes."

 

"Will you let me in?"

 

Dead silence answered the inquiry. He grew more anxious and disappointed when Daniel refused to respond. He waited giving his lover ample time to reply but when no answer came he softened his voice, "Daniel, please let me in. Please."

 

A choked response came back barely audible, "Wh...why?"

 

"Because I want to see you. I want to make sure you're all right. Please Daniel."

 

Daniel hung his head sitting still in the bathtub. He had his knees drawn to his chest and his chin propped on his knees. He was shivering. He knew he should go open the door for Jack but couldn't move. He had been bathing when the memories came back of the time that Osiris had destroyed Alandria before forcing him to crawl and seducing him in the bedroom. The memories persisted. He hadn't expected them to succeed in breaking out. One minute he was thinking about nothing and trying to force the memories to remain buried and in the next moment images invaded, debilitating images of a moment in time he thought he had since forgotten.

 

He lifted his head as Jack's voice echoed to him from the other side of the door then forced himself to rise out of the bath and open the door, not caring that he now stood naked before his lover. He lowered his head not able to look at the older man due to feeling so humiliated and ashamed of himself. He mumbled, "I told you I was fine, Jack. You worry too much."

 

Jack assessed Daniel raking his eyes up and down across his body noticing how Daniel stood hunched over, unable to even look at him. As he entered the bathroom those arms immediately went up as Daniel shielded himself by wrapping his arms around himself. He could tell that Daniel was very upset and disturbed. He approached, gently cupping Daniel's face and lifting his head. As he looked into solemn blue eyes that were red rimmed and puffy he realized that Daniel had been crying and without hesitation he reached out wrapping his arms around Daniel's still shivering frame while gently urging in a tender voice, "Come here."

 

Daniel focused intently on his lover's face releasing a choked sob to the air before surrendering and wrapping his own arms around Jack muttering a quiet, "Hold me Jack, please."

 

"Shh, shh I'll hold you Daniel for as long as you need me too. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not."

 

He began to run a hand through Daniel's hair while holding him determined to soothe him, wondering what had made him so upset and silencing all of his questions to focus all his energy on comfort, support and understanding knowing that Daniel needed to be held more than he needed to be quizzed right now. He suspected the nightmare had triggered some other unpleasant memories for him, but didn't have the heart to demand he talk about them.

 

After Daniel relaxed some Jack helped him to dry off and drained the water in the bathtub before guiding him back to the bed and helping him to climb into it. Once Daniel was settled Jack slid in behind him and pulled Daniel close gently rocking him, aware that the motion would create a calming effect within his mate. He knew that he would probably have to hold Daniel all night and sensing that it was what he desperately needed...

 

                                                       * * * *

Jack awoke from rest early the next day gazing at the ceiling and thinking about the events of last night. As his lover suddenly shifted upon the bed his eyes were drawn to him. Jack gasped and stared in surprise and amazement at Daniel. His lover rarely was in bed when he awoke in the mornings. Ever since his return Daniel usually found some place to escape to so as not to wake up next to his lover. He no longer remained to cuddle like they had in times past. Instead Daniel would retreat to the bathroom, the kitchen or wherever his lover was not. It bothered him immensely, but Jack tried his best to understand and to respect that Daniel needed his space in the mornings.

 

He smiled as he watched Daniel sleeping. Hearing him softly moan he watched in delight as Daniel's eyes fluttered open, unfocused at first then widening upon making out who was beside him. Jack tensed expecting Daniel to run away, but when he only continued to gaze at him Jack quietly greeted, "Hey." He felt his heart flutter as Daniel offered him a shy smile before answering, "Hey."

 

"Sleep well?"

 

"Hmm...yes...yes I did, actually."

 

"Well good. That's what I like to hear. How are you feeling?"

 

"Um good, good. I'm good Jack."

 

Jack smiled and nodded reaching towards Daniel but hesitating to touch him. Daniel looked from his face to his hand then back again before saying, "I think I want to go today, Jack."

 

"What?"

 

"To see Janet's friend. I think I'd like to see her today if, if that's okay."

 

"Are you sure Daniel? I don't want you to do something you're not yet ready for."

 

"I'm sure Jack."

 

"If you..."

 

"Jack..."

 

Jack fell silent determined to make Daniel aware that he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to. Daniel continued, "I think I need to do this, Jack."

 

"Oh...okay, Daniel, okay. Would...would you like me to come along or...?"

 

"I would like that very much, Jack, but if you find things uncomfortable or..."

 

"No. No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm good. I want to come along."

 

Daniel assessed him for several minutes before nodding his head and saying, "Thanks Jack."

 

"You're welcome, Daniel. So..."

 

"So?"

 

"Shall we get dressed?"

 

"I suppose we should..."

 

"Yeah..."

 

Together they rose and Daniel went downstairs to start a pot of coffee and make some breakfast while Jack showered. After showering he called to make certain they could speak with Janet's friend then he joined Daniel for breakfast.

 

                                                       * * * *

Jack glanced at Daniel as they sat in the parking lot outside the counseling office. He noticed that Daniel seemed very anxious and fidgety. He frowned before gently prodding, "Daniel are you sure you want to do this?"

 

Daniel glanced at him briefly before down-casting his eyes then darting his focus to the side watching a young woman struggling to unlock her car door with one hand while she juggled a briefcase and files in the other. He watched her with interest becoming wrapped up in her mannerisms finding himself softly cheering her as she managed to get the door unlocked just before one of the folders prepared to glide to the ground. He heard his name being quietly uttered and nodded while still watching the woman with interest aware that Jack was still speaking and catching the last bit of what he was saying, "...if you don't want to do this..."

 

As the woman started her engine and started backing her car Daniel knew he had no where else to divert his full attention, so he turned to face Jack running his palms across the tops of his pants in an attempt to rid them of the sweat that seemed to be clinging to them. He managed, "Yes. Yes Jack. I want to do this. I...need to do this."

 

"But if you're not sure..."

 

Daniel silenced the worried voice of his lover as he opened the car door and climbed out bending down to answer, "I'm sure. Let's just do this and get it over with. Are you coming?"

 

Jack assessed Daniel prepared to leave at a moment's protest should it be necessary. As Daniel turned the full force of his eyes towards him Jack saw something he had thought might've been quenched in the last year: the fire of determination. Feeling relieved to be witness to such an intense emotion he nodded his head, exited the car and approached his lover. Daniel turned and started to walk ahead of him when Jack reached out snatching his left arm and drawing Daniel completely around to face him with obvious questions burning in his eyes. He smiled assuredly before saying, "Daniel?"

 

"Yes Jack?"

 

As a puzzled expression crossed Daniel's face Jack's smile brightened and he continued, "I'm proud of you."

 

He watched as Daniel opened his mouth in a silent "oh", shock very evident there as well as a shaky inhalation of breath upon hearing the compliment. Daniel fished for words before finally managing, "Thank...thanks Jack, that means a lot to me."

 

He nodded before urging, "If you feel the need to leave at any time, Daniel, anytime don't hesitate to say so and we'll go. Got it?"

 

"Yes Jack."

 

"Good. Now let's go meet Janet's friend whatta ya say?"

 

Daniel nodded then turned forward again, feeling more relaxed when Jack moved to his left still holding his hand as they walked together into the counseling building.

 

                                                       * * * *

Dr. Wentworth's Office...

 

Jack kept his eyes on his lover as introductions were made, determined to remain by Daniel's side throughout the entire meeting and providing him with whatever support he needed. He relaxed only after seeing Daniel relax a bit more. The counselor, a Doctor Sally Wentworth, was doing most of the talking to start with. Daniel said little, but listened to her words. It wasn't until about fifteen minutes after the start of the session that Daniel finally spoke up nodding and asking a question of his own. She smiled obviously glad to be receiving a response from the otherwise very silent Doctor Jackson "Well initially we begin with you telling me a bit about yourself and about why you're here..."

 

Daniel truthfully answered, "I'm here because I was told I had to visit you."

 

"Or be placed on stand down, yes. Janet has told me already."

 

Daniel instantly tensed sitting up straighter as he cast a suspicious gaze her way before inquiring, "Oh she has? What else did she tell you?"

 

Not seeming to mind the sudden defensiveness in her possibly soon-to-be client Doctor Wentworth answered, "Just that you were gone for some time. MIA for a year was it?"

 

"Uh, yes..."

 

Seeing the sudden lowering of his head Jack squeezed Daniel's hand silently showing him that he was here and was supporting him. He earned a grateful smile in return.

 

Doctor Wentworth continued, "And that you might want to...talk about some of what went on in that time."

 

That brought Daniel's head up as he quickly fired back, "And what if I don't? What then?"

 

"That is your choice, Doctor Jackson, and ultimately your decision to make. I'm here if you would like to talk about anything or if you need help adjusting..."

 

"Help to adjust? No, no I'm fine. Really."

 

Doctor Wentworth nodded sensing the lack of truthfulness in those words. She could see that he was afraid, that he knew he needed help but was refusing to admit or accept it so she decided to push him just a little, "Doctor Jackson you were MIA for a year and in that time much has happened to you. Anyone who has suffered as you undoubtedly have is not completely fine. There's nothing wrong with that. It's to be expected. You shouldn't feel ashamed because you're having difficulty readjusting to your life after what has happened to you."

 

"Nothing happened..."

 

Daniel tensed when Jack placed his other hand over top the first encompassing his own between the two. He flinched at the contact down-casting his eyes when he realized that she had witnessed his reaction. He started relaxing further when Jack again squeezed his hand sending him comfort in touch. The woman remained silent for several moments before continuing, "I'm not here to judge you or to criticize you. I'm here to listen to you and to help you...if you'll let me. The only question I have is will you let me?"

 

Daniel gazed at Jack then at the woman before lowering his eyes to his lap and saying, "I'll listen to you, but I haven't decided whether I want or need to do this yet."

 

"I understand and that's perfectly all right."

 

He focused on her as he sternly inquired, "Is it?"

 

"Yes. You're here because Janet believed that I could be of some help to you, and I will be IF you let me help. If you choose to see me regularly know that some sessions will be hard and others easy. Some days it may seem we're taking two steps forward while other days it may seem as if we've accomplished nothing. The healing process is slow and difficult, very difficult. It could be several years before you even begin to feel normal again. I would be lying to you if I were to say that the sessions would be a walk in the park. The issues we discuss will prove challenging. There will be things you'll refuse to speak of and things that you'll want to talk about. I'm here to listen and to help you deal with all that has happened to you. I'm here to give you new coping strategies to direct you along the path of healing. I can't cure you Doctor Jackson. I can't take all the pain, all the memories, all the guilt and all the trauma away...if I could I would but that's impossible. All I can do is guide you, lead you, and walk with you on that path... I can't wish your pain and suffering to end, and I can't stop it. All I can do is support you, guide you, lend an ear and help you along the way. YOU have to decide if you want to heal. YOU have to decide how fast or slow you'd like to take the journey. YOU have to decide what you want to discuss and what you want to conceal. YOU are the one with all the power and control here Doctor Jackson. You are the one who has to make the ultimate decisions about what you'd like to do, what you need to do and what you have to do. I know that alone is very scary. You have learned to depend on your captor for basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, and safety... You had to depend on another to make decisions for you since you were denied your independence. You need to break that cycle and strive to become independent all over again. It's scary. The road to regaining your independence, to regaining yourself is long and full of dangers and risks, challenges and decisions. You decide it all. You make those necessary steps to heal yourself and to restore your soul completely. I can't make you do anything. Colonel O'Neill can't make you do anything. Janet can't make you do anything. YOU must do all these things yourself, and you must be willing to accept that it won't be easy...some things may hurt and some may not. This road you're journeying on isn't easy Doctor Jackson, but it's a road you must take if you are to retrieve the part of yourself that you have lost, the part of yourself that was stolen from you. You must take it back or you may never feel complete."

 

Daniel nodded before replying, "I understand, but I would like some time to...think about this. If you...if that's all right?"

 

"You may take all the time you need. No one wants to force you to do anything Doctor Jackson. We are here to help you and if you feel you need it I will provide it."

 

Daniel nodded then fell silent for several long moments before asking, "Do you think that I...need help to...?"

 

Doctor Wentworth focused on Doctor Jackson knowing what she wanted to say, but also knowing she couldn't force him to do what was probably needed, so she answered, "Let me ask you a few questions, Doctor Jackson. Now you don't need to answer them aloud I just want you to think about them."

 

"Um sure I can, I can do that."

 

She nodded before continuing, "In the time you were...missing did you ever feel helpless? Did you ever feel lost or depressed? Did you ever blame yourself for what happened to you? Did you ever feel as if you had betrayed your friends or your lover? Did you ever feel as if you would never be free? Did you ever wish to die or be killed by your captor, ever?"

 

Daniel tensed swallowing hard as he offered her a nervous half grin that told her so much more than he realized. He shifted in his seat before speaking in a half serious, half joking tone that broadcast to her that he felt very uncomfortable at the moment, "Uh I don't have to answer those...right?"

 

As he shyly ducked his head seeming to struggle to maintain eye contact she had her answer to her many questions. She then provided an answer to his, instilling in him relief as she did so, "No, Doctor Jackson, you don't have to answer any of those questions. I just wanted to..."

 

Daniel offered, "Analyze me?"

 

"I just wanted to give you some things to think about before you made your final decision."

 

"Ah I see. Well, in that case uh... Can I... Are we...finished here? I'd like to take some...time to think about...things."

 

"You may go whenever you desire Doctor Jackson. No one is keeping you here."

 

Daniel raised his eyebrows in surprise as he pointed to the door and softly inquired, "I can...go? I can leave now? You, you won't try to stop me?"

 

"No, Doctor, I won't."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yes."

 

She watched him with concern seeing his tension and fear broadcasting so loudly to her. He had feared leaving without being granted permission. He didn't believe he could just get up and leave. He was still behaving much like a servant and slave. Janet had been right to send him here. She could help him...if he wanted her help, but if he didn't she'd have to honor his wishes, for she wasn't about to confirm the basic beliefs now ingrained so well in him by his captor. She would ask him what he wanted, not tell him. She would honor and respect his wishes and if that meant he left today and she never saw him again then she would have to accept that. She nodded before adding, "Would you like to go home now?"

 

"Yes. Yes I would. Jack, can we go home now? Please?"

 

"Daniel, are you sure?"

 

"Yes Jack. Please?"

 

"All...all right."

 

"Thanks Jack."

 

She smiled rising with him before taking his hand and shaking it noticing the hidden fear that flared as she touched him. She forced herself to remain calm and neutral knowing that he needed help and fearing that she'd push him into something he didn't want so she quickly said, "It was a pleasure meeting you Doctor Jackson. I do hope to see you again, but if I don't good luck with everything."

 

"Thank...thank you."

 

"If you decide to take me up on my offer here's my card. Call me at anytime."

 

"I will. Thanks. Thank you."

 

"You're welcome Doctor Jackson and best of luck to you."

 

He nodded before turning to Jack and nodding his head. Together they walked back to their vehicle.

 

Once inside Jack started the car softly prodding, "So Daniel what did you think of her?"

 

He glanced at Jack securing his seat belt as he replied, "I like her."

 

"And...?"

 

Daniel's face grew pensive as he stiffened in the seat before speaking in a strained voice, "And I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

 

"Hungry? Daniel we just ate."

 

"Well, so that doesn't mean we can't eat again...does it?"

 

Jack continued to watch him mentally wincing when he saw the spastic smile that now stretched across Daniel's lips. Well, discussing Doctor Wentworth any further was definitely out of the question, so food? Daniel wanted to discuss food instead? He could do that, "Where would you like to eat?"

 

The relief Daniel felt was overbearing when he realized that Jack wasn't going to push the issue of Doctor Wentworth. Good. He wasn't quite ready to decide what to do about her open offer to help him. He needed to take time to think about it before committing or not committing himself to counseling sessions. He felt tears threaten to spill when he saw nothing but love shining in Jack's eyes as he waited calming for an answer. God, how had he been so lucky to find Jack O'Neill? How? He smiled shyly as he answered, "You know what Jack I'm, I'm not really hungry but I could use a drink..."

 

"Well then a drink you shall get, my love, just point the way."

 

Daniel snickered as he replied, "Uh anywhere would be fine Jack."

 

"Then anywhere it shall be."

 

"Jack..."

 

"Yes?"

 

"Thank you for...for being here, for coming along and for understanding what I need..."

 

"My pleasure Daniel. It's all my pleasure. I love you, and I want to help you in anyway I can. We can get through this, we can. It will just take some time."

 

Daniel relaxed as Jack placed his hand over top his own. He nodded then said, "As long as you're with me Jack I think...I think I'll be okay."

 

Jack smiled feeling overwhelming joy flood his insides at Daniel's innocent confession. He nodded before clearing his throat and asking, "Drink, about that drink..."

 

"Ah yes I'm thinking..."

 

"Coffee, coffee sound good?"

 

Jack chuckled as he saw a twinkle in Daniel's eyes before he answered, "Coffee sounds delightful, love."

 

Jack's eyes widened as Daniel unconsciously added the endearment onto the end of his sentence, but he quickly covered his surprise not wanting to upset Daniel in any way by drawing his attention to it. Instead he added to Daniel's enthusiasm, "Yes absolutely delightful."

 

He watched Daniel, amazed to see that he was now totally relaxed. He was glad to see that Daniel was still able to do so. He nodded as he turned and shifted the car into reverse before mentioning, "There's a Starbuck's Coffee Shop a few blocks away..."

 

"Well, then let's go."

 

Jack smiled as he backed the car out of the parking space and headed for the coffee shop certain that Daniel was feeling much better than he had in weeks. Maybe this doctor could help him after all, but that decision was solely his. If Daniel chose not to see her again then he would have to watch that he didn't try forcing his lover into seeing her either.

 

                                                       * * * *

Several Hours Later...

 

As Daniel stood in the shower allowing the warm water to rain down upon him he smiled to himself lifting his face to the streams and enjoying the simple pleasure of water trailing down over his body. He pressed his hands to the wall before him arching his back like a cat would and sighing in relief as the warm water began to pelt across the tense muscles of his shoulders and back. He remained like that for several minutes releasing a silky drawn out moan of pleasure as a memory suddenly flashed into his mind of himself writhing and bucking. He tried to push the thoughts back knowing that a memory was attempting to invade and catch him off guard, afraid to allow it to appear but unable to block it. Again an image flashed and he felt his dick hardening instantly in response to such intense, graphic imagery. He knew that the image wouldn't give him a moment's peace so he allowed it to break through flushing with a mix of embarrassment and intense desire as the memory grew clearer and he "saw" Osiris using a dildo to please him and to train him. His mouth dried up and he found that he was now effectively horny as his mind sent him back to a time when his lord was training him with the dildo:

 

 "Today we will begin your sexuality training my pet. We have already started to train you on the butt plug, with which you have been doing very well, but now it is time that you show me how well you perform...other tasks."

 

Daniel remained on his knees tensing and swallowing hard as he watched his lord carefully secure a dildo and harness on himself. He unconsciously stared at the fake phallus now jutting out from Sarah's body and found that he really didn't want to know what purpose the dildo would serve.

 

He watched as Sarah's small dainty hand engulfed the phallus and began to trail up and down across the length of it. He felt the first stirrings of arousal within as he watched Osiris caress the phallus as if it were real and quickly discovered he wanted that hand stroking him. As he glanced down at his own groin he blushed feeling ashamed when he noticed the shiny gold metal plate that cupped him intimately making any sort of physical stimulation impossible for him. He jerked his gaze towards Osiris' feet as he heard his lord's teasing chuckle, ducking his head more so to conceal the blazing blush of embarrassment now tingeing his cheeks from his tormenter.

 

Osiris soon drawled, "Yes that is what I like to see, my servant feeling ashamed that he cannot stroke himself. Let this be a reminder to you that I own you slave. You belong to me, completely. No part of you belongs to another. You are my property and you do as I command always. Is that understood, slave?"

 

Daniel tensed wanting to refuse to reply but knew that resistance would be futile so he hung his head even lower as he meekly responded, "Yes My Master."

 

“Very good slave. Very good... Tell me, slave, do you desire to touch yourself, to stroke yourself intimately?"

 

 "Yes My Master."

 

 Osiris sniggered before stepping before him and ordering, "Raise your head. Now slave!"

 

Daniel quickly complied finding that his lord was much closer to him now and that he was now level with the fake phallus jutting up from Sarah's voluptuous body. He again found himself drawn to the sex toy, tensing as Osiris chuckled before squeezing the tip of the shaft between his fingers and softly commanding, "Suck it."

 

"What?" Daniel sputtered in shocked surprise. His lord wanted him to suck the phallus? Uh, hell no! He started to shake his head in denial when Osiris commanded in a slightly harsher tone, "Take it into your mouth and suck it, slave."

 

"No."

 

"Daniel, do not challenge me in this matter or I will make things most...uncomfortable for you, my pet."

 

Ignoring the veiled threat Daniel shook his head in denial saying, "I...I can't..."

 

Osiris began to run his fingers gently through Daniel's hair as he made the command again, "Suck it my pet."

 

Daniel shook his head no and started to verbalize his refusal when Osiris quickly slid his hand to the base of Daniel's neck grasping a hand full of his hair before yanking his head backwards and moving closer to Daniel deliberately towering over him, forcing his hips forward until the phallus hovered a mere inch from his mouth wanting Daniel to feel the vulnerability of his present position. He continued, his voice taking on a cold edge, "What I ask of you is not a difficult thing. It is also not a request but a command, and you WILL do as I order you slave or I WILL shove this so far into your mouth that

you will feel as if you are swallowing it whole. The choice is yours slave. Either accept it willingly or I will make certain that you receive a definite mouth full."

 

"Master..."

 

Osiris' eyes flared bright white as he mercilessly yanked Daniel's head further back drawing a pain-laced yelp from his slave in the process and demanding, "AH! What will your choice be, slave?"

 

Daniel knew, sensed that Osiris would follow through with the threat so swallowing what little remained of his pride he opened his mouth, prepared to draw the dildo inside feeling both embarrassed and ashamed as his arousal seemed only to build and become more intense as Osiris wasted no time pushing the toy into his servant's open mouth. Daniel tensed, immediately pulling back as the toy invaded and wincing as Osiris only increased the

tension on his hair immobilizing his attempts to change his mind. Resistance became futile as Osiris gently eased the grip on Daniel's hair palming the back of his head as he forced Daniel to take more of the dildo into his mouth...

 

Daniel tried to force back the next onslaught of memories feeling arousal thrumming and burning through his body as the images continued to play before him as if being displayed on a tape. He remembered the feel of the dildo in his mouth and against his tongue, remembered how odd it felt compared to a real cock and hissed in pleasure as he remembered the taste of his lover so suddenly. He tried to silence the memories but was too far gone to do so and allowed them to continue playing in his mind, groaning and pressing his forehead to the shower wall as the urge to stroke himself became overpowering. He closed his eyes breathing heavily as he hoarsely croaked, "Oh God," before gripping himself.

 

He wanted to touch himself, needed to, but hesitated hearing his own voice beyond the sudden ringing in his ears as he softly requested, "My Lord, may your slave be permitted to climax for you?"

 

He growled in frustration as he recalled how he was not to touch himself intimately and not to climax unless his lord and master granted him permission to do so. He whimpered as he recalled the extensiveness through which Osiris had trained him to orgasm on request, stimulating him minutes after he begged still denying him the permission he sought. Sometimes he would grant his poor desperately horny slave permission and other times he would flat out deny him, deliberately icing his dick to make it shrink in size and to reattach his chastity belt knowing that he was desperate to orgasm. Sometimes he would make his servant serve for days without release and other times he would make it weeks. Sometimes the denial of his own pleasure would be a game to his lord and other times a punishment for a failure or a disappointment. No matter what the reason, no matter how desperately he had to orgasm, the right was always contingent on the mercy of his god. If he came without permission he was treated to humiliation or...other disciplines.

 

His lord's favorite punishment for coming without permission was to secure him to the bed and spend twenty-four hours stimulating him to the point of orgasm without granting him release. He would spend much of that time expressing his disappointment and dissatisfaction in his servant's inability to control himself. Daniel hated that punishment for it taught him better than anything else did that he was truly a slave and owned property. Property that could be treated and used however his master decided and that there was nothing he could do about it. He belonged to Osiris and no other. He was Osiris' property. He was completely owned and controlled by another. If his lord forbade him from doing anything he had no choice but to do as stated, for when he became Osiris' personal servant he became Osiris' property, Osiris' toy, his plaything...he became totally dependent on his master for everything, and he hated that so much.

 

He silenced his thoughts wrapping his hand around his hard cock and tensing as he heard his lord command him to stop and order him to lie on the bed and allow himself to be secured in place. He moaned as he recalled how his master would stroke him and caress him, cupping his dick and balls in his hands, rubbing them and petting them. He could feel the muscle contractions within signifying climax was near and quickly slid his fingers between his legs finding the perineum he pressed it groaning loudly and tossing his head back as he stalled his ejaculation in its tracks, hissing when his need to touch, stroke and pump himself continued to urge him on.

 

He planted his left hand firmly against the shower wall, spreading his legs hip length apart before sliding his right hand to his dick and wrapping his fingers firmly about the hard shaft beginning to slowly pump his dick as he found himself back with Osiris being educated and trained on sexuality...

 

Osiris' eyes glowed with pleasure as he gazed down at his beautiful slave upon his knees before him, his mouth firmly wrapped about the dildo as he had been commanded. He refused to release the pressure on Daniel's head as he softly taunted, “Hmm that is it slave... Now show me how you suck him in the late hours of the night."

 

Daniel felt humiliated as he found himself with a mouthful of fake cock and as Osiris whispered his next words his face burned even more with embarrassment, for he knew to whom Osiris was referring. He closed his eyes trying to block out what was happening and pictured Jack in his mind finding himself already beginning to suck the cock his master demanded.

 

Osiris began to moan and gently thrust, very conscious of the fact that he could choke Daniel if he thrust too deeply, being cautious not to do so. He watched Daniel intently knowing that if he pushed in a bit too far Daniel would react instantly so he kept his gaze trained on the handsome face of the man who was sucking him off.

 

After several minutes of watching Daniel suck he crooned, "Make it wet, slave. Make it slick with your saliva. Prepare it for your next lesson."

 

Daniel complied still feeling awkward and disgraced at being ordered to suck a dildo for his master and lord. He tensed when the hand still palming the back of his head began to tenderly pet his hair. He swallowed hard as Osiris gently ordered, "I want both of your hands on my ass, slave. I want you clinging to me as you service me. Holding me close as you service me."

 

Daniel slowly planted both of his hands firmly on Osiris' ass then pulled him to him as ordered continuing to give head to the system lord. Osiris was very pleased when Daniel complied instantly with the gentle order and decided to begin offering him some constructive criticism on his technique, "Use your tongue and twirl it around the shaft of my dick, slave. I want to see you laving the weeping head as you pull back then go down on me again. Do so now!"

 

Daniel tensed even more as Osiris began to give him instructions on how he was to perform adequately. He cursed but carefully eased his mouth back up to the head of the phallus laving his tongue around the head as commanded. Osiris seemed mighty pleased with the action as he complimented, "Yes that is correct, Daniel. You are so good...so deliciously experienced at this. How often do you give your lover head?"

 

Daniel stopped freezing to the spot as Osiris again prodded for information on Jack. Why the hell did he keep bringing Jack up at times like these? Why? How dare he ask how often he did this for Jack! It was none of his business, none of it!

 

Osiris chuckled as he continued to watch his servant deciding that he needed a nudge to continue sucking, "I did not permit you to stop yet, slave. You have much to learn. You will be trained extensively on the dildo and on several other toys, so I suggest that you familiarize yourself with such things and that you learn to be comfortable around them."

 

Daniel didn't reply partly because he had a mouthful of cock but also because he didn't like the connotations behind those comments. He knew from those few words that this would not be the last time he would be sucking a dildo, and he also knew that this wouldn't be the last time his master experimented a bit with his personal attendant. He shivered as he wondered what other toys the Goa'uld lord might have plans to "educate" him on...

 

Daniel inhaled sharply panting and moaning as he could feel himself drawing closer to his apex yet again. He could feel the heat, the arousal and the desire building to explosive proportions and knew that it would only be a matter of time before he erupted. As his mind led him to what had happened after he had thoroughly lubricated the dildo with his saliva on that day he was certain he would fall over that edge shortly. He tensed feeling pleasure travel through him as the contractions signifying the return of his orgasm began again. He started to moan loudly as images began flashing before his eyes of Osiris turning him, pushing him to his knees and pressing the dildo to his anus. He gasped as he saw Osiris in his mind's eye rubbing the saliva coated dildo across his opening, teasing him with it as he begged to be fucked fast and hard by his lord. As the images changed to Osiris making the first invasion into his body Daniel started panting louder and thrusting his hips as he pumped his dick harder and faster. He screamed as he saw himself in his mind's eye responding to his lord tossing his head back and being ridden for all he was worth as Osiris fucked him again and again with the dildo. When Osiris' hands captured his dick and started to toy with him and pump him he knew that he was lost; as the memories surfaced of the moment of his orgasm he found himself screaming as warm cream squirted out of him and coated his hand. He sagged against the shower wall trying to regain his breathing and feeling pleasure rippling through him again and again as his body became over sensitized by the powerful climax he had just experienced.

 

He swallowed hard still gripping his dick in the palm of his hand, pressing his forehead against the shower wall harder as he realized the shower was still on and water was still pounding across his naked flesh. He knew he should move. He knew that he should clean himself off especially since Jack was just downstairs and probably was waiting for him, but he found that he was so gloriously satiated that all he wanted to do was remain where he stood, feeling his body cooling down as his powerful climax abated. He could only relax a moment more before insistent pounding flooded the room and Jack's voice called to him from the other side of the door, "Daniel, are you all right? Daniel?"

 

He blushed like an impish schoolboy who was caught with his hand digging into the cookie jar and quickly jerked upright nearly falling as his head spiraled a bit. Damn that was one hell of an orgasm he had just experienced. He closed his eyes inhaling deeply trying to center himself again as he formulated a response, "Yes Jack I'm fine."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Yes."

 

"I thought I heard you screaming..."

 

He blushed furiously before coming up with a quick excuse, "Uh no, no that was, uh singing Jack. I was...singing rather loudly and off-key. Sorry if I disturbed you."

 

Silence answered his excuse and he found himself wondering if Jack bought that lame lie or not. If Jack didn't then how would he explain...this? How? Damn, he had been showering when images of his captivity started to bombard him and the next thing he knew he was jerking himself off in the shower as he recalled part of his sexuality training. Shit, what the hell was he thinking? SHIT! As Jack's voice echoed back, "That's all right," he released the tense breath he had been holding before adding, "I'll be out shortly Jack. I'm just finishing up."

 

"No need to hurry, love. I'll wait for you."

 

Yes he would. Daniel knew that he would and found himself smiling tenderly at the concern he heard in Jack's voice. Ah, he was worried about him again. He hated making Jack worry but knowing that someone cared enough about him TO worry made him feel so much better. He turned back to the shower allowing the water to rain across his body and wash away the remainder of his spending suddenly wondering why he didn't feel more ashamed of what triggered it in the first place. He had hated Osiris and hated serving him always, but he couldn't deny the fact that some of the things Osiris did to him turned him on even now, and he knew that it was wrong to feel this way...he shouldn't be aroused by recalling a training session, he shouldn't be turned on by the memories of a degradation and a punishment but he was, oh how he was and that confused the hell out of him. How could he have found pleasure in anything that his lord had done to him? How?

 

                                                       * * * *

After finishing up in the shower and dressing again he headed downstairs wanting to spend some time with Jack, needing to spend time with Jack. He hated himself for what had transpired in the shower less than fifteen minutes before. At first he was pleased after climaxing and for some reason knowing that his lord is what triggered it didn't upset him as much as he had expected...at first, but then the guilt and self-loathing found him shortly thereafter leaving him feeling disgusted and angry with himself and his poor lack of self-control. My God he couldn't even make love to Jack or stand to have Jack touch him, yet he could stand in the shower and masturbate himself to completion in response to memories...of his captivity? How sick was that? What the fuck was wrong with him? Why the hell did he do that and enjoy it so damned much? Maybe...maybe he had enjoyed all the things his lord had done to him. Maybe he had enjoyed being humiliated and degraded. Maybe he was a sadistic bastard, one of those goddamned masochistic sons of bitches after all. Shit!

 

He jerked his head up when Jack said his name glaring at Jack before asking, "What?"

 

"Do you want to watch a movie, love?"

 

"A movie, Jack? You want to watch a movie?"

 

"Yeah I figured you know we could make some popcorn, snuggle up on the couch, relax a bit. You know together."

 

"A movie? You want to watch a damned movie, Jack?"

 

Jack flinched but held firm to his suggestion as he said, "Yeah. I think it would do us both some good. We can sit down and watch a movie together, just relax and enjoy each other's company..."

 

Jack jumped in surprise when Daniel suddenly erupted, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT JACK? What the hell do you want from me?"

 

Jack tensed seeing that his lover was now very upset and agitated. He watched the man's jerky movements as he began pacing rapidly back and forth before him. It didn't take a genius to realize that Daniel was pissed. He wasn't sure how to respond to the sudden explosion. He knew that no matter what he said or did the conversation could go one of two ways: either they'd fight and argue or they would talk and Daniel would calm down. He shook his head as he tried to rein in his patience. Daniel was so moody and so temperamental since his return. One minute he was nice and loving the next minute he was screaming and demanding. He decided to settle for approaching the situation calmly knowing that there was a huge potential for devastation if he was not careful, "Okay Daniel we don't have to watch a movie tonight."

 

Man did that ever sound so...stupid. Daniel was angry about a Goddamned movie of all things. You'd think the man would be angry about something more important than a stupid movie, but again he had to be understanding towards him because Daniel was dealing with a lot and his emotions were far from controlled. He sensed that the abduction affected Daniel way more than the man had yet to reveal, but any questions or concerns regarding the missing year of his life were usually halted by Daniel's anger, or rage, or depression, or silence... He still wanted to know just what the hell that fuckin' bastard put Daniel through to make him so different from the man he fell in love with so long ago. What the hell had happened with Osiris and why did Daniel hesitate to even mention the Goa'uld lord or his captivity? He silenced his thoughts when Daniel suddenly turned glaring at him with rage-filled eyes as he demanded, "What? WHAT? You think this is about some goddamned movie, Jack? That's not what this is about!"

 

Well no shit Danny but are you going to clue me in to just what this explosion of temper is about? I'd really like a clue...a bone if you would love. How the hell can I help you if you refuse to let me? How? He shook his head as he tried yet again to pry any information out of Daniel that he possibly could sure, before he even started, that it would be a useless attempt because Daniel wasn't about to tell him shit, "All right. Okay, then tell me what has you so upset?"

 

"I...I don't fuckin' know! I just...I just... I don't know."

 

Okay that's a start. He didn't just walk away from him or snap at him or glare at him. He truly tried to offer some kind of explanation, futile as it was, to cluing him in but hey he'd take anything other than the silence or the rage.

 

He watched as Daniel jerked away from him yet again as he continued to pace incessantly. Damn but this was getting so old! Daniel was irritated. Hell, he was madder than a damned hornet yet he still remained stubbornly silent. What is going on in that brilliant mind of yours Danny? What has made you suddenly so angry? Please tell me something, anything, please.

 

Daniel turned abruptly from Jack running his question through his mind repetitively. What has him so upset? Why was he so upset? Why? He sure as hell didn't know why, couldn't even begin an explanation because the truth was he didn't know. He didn't have one inkling, one single clue as to why he felt so angry that all he wanted to do was lash out at the nearest person, which always happened to be Jack O'Neill...unfortunately. He felt like hitting something or kicking something. All he wanted to do was lash out and smash something beyond all repair, but he couldn't understand why. Why did he feel such anger and such rage? Why did he want so badly to destroy something? Why? He paused his destructive thoughts as Jack's calm soothing voice filled his head as he softly inquired, "How are you feeling, Daniel? How do you feel?"

 

"I'm...what?"

 

Jack watched as the man suddenly wrapped his arms around his body before continuing, "I'm...um, fine...I'm fine."

 

Jack frowned certain that Daniel was far from fine and not sure how to help him. He continued to watch Daniel's agitated pacing trying to think of what to say or what to do to help him, but nothing was coming to his mind. He had to help Daniel. He had to. It was so obvious that the man was falling apart and that he had no control over his emotions. It was so damned obvious, but how the hell could he even begin to help Daniel when all he did was shut him out repetitively?

 

Daniel paused in mid-step trying to recall where his train of thought left off then shook his head before saying, "No...nope...I'm not...not...but...no."

 

"What?"

 

He glanced up at Jack nervously before softly speaking, "I'm not...I don't... I'm not doing too well am I, Jack? I... You know what just forget it, Jack. Forget it."

 

"No Danny I..."

 

"FORGET IT JACK!"

 

Jack cursed before demanding, "Why the hell can't you talk to me, Danny? Why? What...what the hell do you want me to do, Danny? Do you want me to walk away? Do you want me to leave because I will if that's what you really want...what do you want from me?"

 

"What Jack? What are you talking about? What are you trying to say here?"

 

Jack sighed heavily before continuing, "I want to help you Daniel I really do. I want to help you to get your life back. I want to help you heal but...but..."

 

Daniel stopped staring at Jack feeling suddenly anxious, fearful and worried. He had a brief thought that this was the end, that this was where Jack was going to give up on him, and he didn't want that to happen. He didn't want to face this alone. He didn't want to lose Jack, but he just didn't know what to do or even how to behave anymore. He couldn't even remember who he was anymore. All he knew was that he didn't want Jack to give up on him, and if Jack gave up on him...God, if Jack gave up... What would he do if that happened? The way he was feeling right now he'd no doubt find the tallest building in the city and throw himself off of it. Suicide...God, he was thinking of killing himself just because Jack was prepared to give up on him? What the hell was wrong with him? Why the hell was his life such a damned mess? WHY?

 

He felt tears welling up in his eyes at the prospect of Jack leaving him and never coming back, and he knew that he would die if Jack abandoned him. He knew it and without thought he put voice to that fear, "I don't want you to abandon me, Jack. Please don't leave me too. Please. I...I need you...I need you so badly but..."

 

Jack swallowed hard feeling a tense silence falling between them and feeling his throat swelling up with emotion. Shit, Daniel didn't want to be abandoned? Where the hell did that come from? He shook his head as his heart ached for his lover and quickly approached Daniel stopping him by placing his hands on the man's shoulders and saying, "I...I won't do that to you, Daniel. You know I won't. You shouldn't be afraid that I would. I could never... I'm not going anywhere Daniel. I made a promise to you and I intend to keep it. You and me forever, Daniel... You and me forever... You don't have to be afraid. I won't ever leave you, Daniel. I'll never leave you."

 

Daniel stopped as if to contemplate those words trying to believe them but finding the task was a bit too difficult. One question kept running through his mind again and again: why? "Why?"

 

"Why? Daniel what kind of a question is that?"

 

"A good question...why would you stay with me when I'm so screwed up Jack? Why would you even want me knowing that he touched...that...what he did to me? Why would you want me after he used me? Why? How could you love me? How? I don't deserve your love not... Not after what I did for him, Jack...not after what I did. Jack, Jack...you couldn't understand...you... Not after what I did for him."

 

He fell silent waiting for Jack's response cutting him off before he had a chance to provide one, "Jack do you still...love me? I mean REALLY love me?"

 

Jack remained silent staring at Daniel not knowing what to say or do. He was half in shock by the question alone. Did he still love him? Well yes of course he did. Didn't Daniel know that already? How could he not know that? Why would he ask if...why...?

 

As he gazed into Daniel's eyes Jack noticed that he was nervous, anxious and uncertain. He looked scared and sad at the same time. Did he really think...? Did he really believe...?

 

"Yes Daniel I do..."

 

Daniel remained quiet allowing the silence to stretch between them. He wanted to feel relieved at Jack's admission, but he didn't actually say 'I love you' he said 'I do' so... He lowered his gaze from Jack's penetrating one nervously biting into his lower lip. Once upon a time a simple 'I do' would have been enough but now, now he needed something more, something...something was missing now, but he couldn't figure out what. He glanced up as Jack spoke again, "I love you Daniel. You know that I do. I love you with all my heart and it hurts, it hurts so much to see you suffering like this. You don't have to do this alone Daniel. I'm here for you. I want to help you heal. You don't have to do this alone."

 

Daniel glanced up feeling better when Jack said the words he'd longed to hear, but he also found himself questioning if Jack were telling the truth. What if Jack was only lying to cheer him up? What if he didn't love him? What if...why the hell would Jack want him after he prostituted himself to their worst enemy? Why would Jack want a Goa'uld whore? He hung his head feeling tears pricking the corners of his eyes as the answer whispered through his head...he wouldn't. Jack wouldn't want him, not after what he had done for his lord. Jack was just saying he loved him to make him happy. Jack didn't really love him...did he?

 

He focused on Jack staring into his eyes trying to find any little inkling of doubt and shocked when he found none. What he saw in Jack's eyes told him that this man truly did love him, but if he did then why the hell was it so difficult to accept? Why couldn't he accept that Jack loved him? Why? Why was that so hard for him to comprehend?

 

He gasped when Jack brushed his lips lightly across his own feeling the automatic heat surge through him as his lips tingled in response to the feathery touch. He continued to gaze at Jack becoming quickly lost in the soft brown hue of his lover's beautiful eyes. In Jack's eyes he could see the truth behind his words and the depths with which this man before him loved him, and it shocked him. He didn't deserve Jack's love. He didn't deserve to be loved so completely after what he had done. He didn't deserve it. He had slept with another, had begged another to please him, had crawled for another and had done as another bid. He had betrayed this sweet man before him and he didn't deserve him. He wasn't good enough for Jack. He was no longer pure, no longer clean. He was no longer worthy of Jack or his love. He was nothing. He wasn't important. He was a whore. He didn't deserve anything but to be punished by this man before him. He didn't deserve Jack's love after what he had done to him. What he deserved was to be stripped and punished by this man for all of his crimes against him.

 

Jack watched Daniel sensing that he was feeling very inadequate and very guilty about something. He quickly moved in to stop the negative thoughts that were most likely whirling in his lover's mind at this very moment. He said, "Daniel? Daniel? Daniel, look at me. Daniel?"

 

"Yes Jack what..."

 

"I love you and I want to help you. I won't leave you. I won't ever leave you."

 

"Why? Why stay with me, Jack? Why would you stay? Why would you want to stay when you know that I...that I...pleased him in so many ways? Why Jack? Why?"

 

Jack swallowed back the tears threatening to spill as he reached up to cup Daniel's face in his hands before saying, "Because I love you. I can't live without you. You are my heart Daniel Jackson. You are my soul. You are the air that I breathe. Without you, without you in my life I'm...empty, incomplete, lost. I need you Daniel. I need you so badly. Do you even realize how much you mean to me? How important you are to me? When you were gone from my life I was...different. I walked as if in a fog. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't even sleep. I need you that much, Daniel and I love you so much Daniel. I love you so damned much."

 

"But you deserve so much better Jack. I'm...I don't deserve you."

 

Jack cut him off as he replied in a voice lined with gruffness, "NO. No Daniel you do deserve me. You do. Don't you dare think otherwise, don't you dare..."

 

"But Jack how could I not..."

 

"Daniel you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be cared for and cherished. Don't sell yourself short and don't allow him to win. Please don't allow him to win this battle."

 

"What battle? What are you talking about Jack?"

 

"He convinced you that you don't deserve to be loved and cherished. He treated you as a servant and taught you to obey without question. He had to work on you a long time to gain your complete compliance, and I believe that he didn't completely succeed but he managed to do some damage. It's obvious that he hurt you, that he harmed you so much..."

 

"No, no my lord was good to me. He treated me with kindness. He took care of me. He..."

 

"He used you, Daniel. He used you and he abused you."

 

"No, Jack, no. He didn't abuse me. I did what he wanted. He didn't have to abuse me Jack."

 

"Oh but he did Danny, he did. How else did he gain such a strong hold over you? How else did he make you so compliant to his will? He used you and abused you, Daniel. None of this is your fault. He's the one responsible for all that you are suffering. You aren't guilty of anything. It's his fault Daniel, it's all his fault."

 

"Jack I...I did a lot of...things that..."

 

"Under duress..."

 

"Under? No, no...no there was no..."

 

"Daniel, please listen to me. You've done nothing wrong. You are the victim here not Osiris and not Sarah, you...you are the victim. They both used you. They both hurt you and they both victimized you."

 

"No, no...NO!"

 

Daniel started shaking and feeling suddenly very nervous. He needed to escape. He needed to get away. He couldn't hear this. He couldn't...he had to go. He had to. As he made a dash for the door Jack caught him and pulled him into his embrace. Daniel fought with him for only a few moments before surrendering and allowing Jack to usher him to the couch. He was so confused and so scared. He didn't understand what was happening. He couldn't comprehend what Jack was trying to tell him. All he knew was that he had done some horrible things. He had betrayed Jack and didn't deserve him. He had hurt his lover by surrendering his body to another. He had allowed the sex and he had enjoyed it. He had allowed himself to be made a slave, and he had enjoyed his servitude. He had. He was certain even though a small, tiny little voice buried deep under layers and layers of trauma called out to him and told him that he hadn't enjoyed it, and that he had been abused. He shook his head in denial instantly crushing that tiny little voice within that tried to call out, tried to make itself heard. He crushed it refusing to believe that he had been victimized. He refused to believe it because if he were to accept that he had been used and abused then he would have to admit to being a victim and being incapable of protecting even himself. He couldn't do that. He couldn't admit that he was totally and completely helpless to protect himself from harm. He couldn't do that and he wouldn't do that.

 

Jack continued to speak to him with tender words and Daniel, though he wanted to fight and to resist, allowed Jack to console him for this one moment in time. As Jack urged him to relax upon the couch Daniel tried but remained sitting holding his back ramrod straight not knowing what to do or how to even behave. He was so damned confused and lost that it scared the hell out of him. What should he do? Should he just sit here or should he run? What should he do?

 

He cried out when Jack's hands returned pressing to either side of his body resting against his biceps and gently tugging him back. He shook his head in denial. No, no he couldn't do this. He couldn't. NO! He couldn't handle being that close to Jack, not right now. He just couldn't do it! But he quickly realized that again his resistance was futile for he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to collapse so he allowed Jack to urge him on complying by sidling his way back against Jack.

 

Daniel momentarily tensed in response to feeling that hard broad chest pressing so intimately close. He closed his eyes as the need to pull away flowed over him, fear slammed into his chest and panic pumped through his every nerve. He forced himself to relax inhaling and exhaling slowly urging his body to calm while repeating in his mind over and over again that he was with Jack, and he was okay. As Jack's arms entwined around his body he wanted nothing more then to launch himself away from the touch and beg to be left alone, but he bit into his bottom lip to silence such a plea.

 

As a deeper calm settled around him he quietly chastised himself for the unnecessary fears he had experienced upon being drawn into his lover's comforting embrace. This was ridiculous, so ridiculous! Why did he react to touch like that? Why? He pushed the questions out of his mind forcing his attention on the feel of Jack against him, the scent of him, the warmth of his closeness and the soft light kisses that Jack occasionally dropped to his temple. They sat like that for some time before Daniel broke the silence, "Why do I act like that Jack? Why does...why am I...?"

 

"Afraid? Afraid of touch?"

 

"Um..."

 

"Because you went through a harrowing experience. You...there were many things expected from you and resistance wasn't an option."

 

"But...but how do you know? How do you know I resisted?"

 

"How could I ever believe otherwise love?"

 

"I did a lot of things, Jack, a lot of things I'm not proud of so...how do you know I..."

 

"I just do."

 

"And in six months what then?"

 

"What...?"

 

"Will you still be so sure that I resisted him? Will you still be here in six months? Will you still love me or will you chase me away? What will you do in six months, Jack?"

 

"I'll still be here for you love. Right here."

 

"Is that a promise or just..."

 

"Daniel, you already know the answer to that question."

 

"Do I? Do either of us really know the answer to that question Jack? Six months is a long time and..."

 

"We'll take things day by day. Don't worry about the future, love, or you'll drive yourself crazy. Focus on today, on now..."

 

"And how can I do that, Jack? How? How can I focus on today when I'm still looking back on yesterday and seeing all the horrible things I did?"

 

"Daniel, please don't do this. Don't blame yourself for..."

 

"Don't blame myself Jack? Don't blame myself? How can I not? How can I not when I... How?"

 

"Because it's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

 

"Yes it is."

 

Jack sighed in frustration cursing Osiris for what must be the millionth time again noticing how royally Osiris fucked with Daniel's mind. Shit! The fuckin' bastard couldn't be satisfied with just holding Daniel prisoner instead he had to give him a major mind fuck in the process? The son of a bitch! Damn it, the serpent had succeeded in destroying Daniel's self-confidence, his self-esteem; hell, he had succeeded in nearly destroying Daniel leaving him feeling afraid, doubtful, nervous and anxious. How could anyone do that? How could someone so willingly destroy a person's very soul? Osiris hadn't destroyed Daniel completely, but he sure as hell chipped away at his lover until there wasn't much remaining. Daniel's trust, his security, his sense of safety, his confidence...all of it was gone now, destroyed by an enemy who only wanted to own him and possess him; an enemy whose only goal was to make Daniel his totally and completely, to control his every move, every thought, every action...everything. His only goal was to obtain complete and total domination over Daniel and that pissed him off so much that he wanted to hunt Osiris down and break the damned snake's neck for all the shit he put Daniel through. The bastard! How could he do that? How could he do so much to one person? HOW?

 

 

Next:

 

    THE MIDDLE GROUNDS

 

 

Feedback to:  bluebirdstears@yahoo.com

 

Back

 

Parts Index

 

Slash Fiction Index

 

Home

 

                                                                                                                       Copyright©2004-2008 Midnightstorms.net

                                                                                                                                                All Rights Reserved.