Daniel Jackson

Personal Sacrifice Part 19

By: Stacy L.

‘TIL DEATH TO US PART

Disturbing Thoughts

As Jack entered the house he searched for his lover immediately stopping as he noticed him sitting on the couch, head bowed and arms wrapped securely around himself as he clutched a pillow to his chest. He closed his eyes taking in a calming breath and waiting for his heart to stop its rapid beating. It had been several weeks since Daniel's return and still he was scared to death to enter their home. He was scared to death that he'd open the door and look around for his lover only to realize that Daniel's return had been a dream and not reality. Why couldn't he accept that Daniel would still be there when he returned? He always panicked himself during his drive home worrying, fearing that while he was away in the hour or so since Daniel had said goodbye to him that he would be stolen, beamed up, ringed up or something. He was also afraid that one day he would return home only to discover that Daniel was still MIA, or that Osiris had returned for him. After all, the snake did threaten to keep Daniel if he sensed any danger to his favored while in the custody of his lover. The bastard had actually accused him of being a possible danger to Daniel, and he was prepared to return for Daniel if he suspected the man was being abused. The nerve of that damned snakehead to accuse him of hurting Daniel after the hell he had put him through, the fuckin' nerve of that son of a bitch!

He silenced his angry thoughts upon hearing Daniel sniffling as if he were...crying? Shit! His feet moved before his brain registered the action bringing him to his lover's side in the span of a heartbeat. As he drew to a halt before Daniel he noticed Daniel was staring blankly at the floor rocking slightly and so very silent, glistening tracks of wetness marred each perfect cheek from the tears he had been shedding. He felt a lump beginning to form in his throat as it felt as if a hand seized his heart clutching it tightly as he gazed into the beautiful face of the man he loved. He knew that he would have to proceed with caution, so he slowly raised his hand making the action as non-threatening as possible as he lowered himself before Daniel. He stopped his hand just short of touching Daniel's face caught in indecision...should he touch him? How would he react? Would he flinch? Would he look up? Would he...jerk away? Was touching him really the right thing to do or...?

He silenced his persistent thoughts doing as his heart urged him to. He reached out pressing his left hand against Daniel's cheek. He held his breath waiting, uncertain of how Daniel would respond. The instant he touched his lover Daniel hissed and pulled away, gazing at him in shock and fear. The look nearly broke his heart in two. Daniel then spoke his name breathlessly as if the name were a prayer and a confirmation at the same time, as if it were a quiet verbal acknowledgment to himself that he wasn't just imagining things again.

Daniel's next move bothered him even more as realization struck of whom he was with. Daniel responded by breaking eye contact and turning his face away as if to hide it in shame. The nervous hand that reached up to haphazardly brush away the tears from his eyes proved to him that Daniel felt ashamed of being caught crying. The young man's obvious distress also came across in the sudden halting of his rocking, and the way he tightened his hold on the pillow he still clutched to his body. He decided that a confrontation was in order so he softly prodded, "Daniel?"

"What? What Jack...?" came the tense, strained voice of his lover. He quickly decided to change tactic suddenly unsure if confronting Daniel about why he was crying was such a good idea after all. He chose reassurance, "It's all right you know. It's all right."

Daniel blinked before nervously glancing at Jack and again hiding his face. He really didn't want Jack to see him like this. Why hadn't he paid more attention to the time? He really didn't want to explain to Jack that he had no sooner gotten into his car when an overwhelming urge to cry had swept through him. He really wasn't in the mood to tell Jack how he had held those tears at bay forcing them back, denying them permission to fall. He didn't want to explain how several tears had managed to escape gliding slowly down across his cheeks or how he had dashed them away with his hand in anger as he drove. He wasn't ready to tell Jack how he'd become so angry with himself that he had successfully managed to turn sadness into anger...until he entered the house, yanked off his coat, entered the living room and dropped down onto the couch like a dead weight unable to prevent the sudden onslaught of tears that had come fast and furious refusing to stop even when he resorted to old methods of comfort: curling up, clutching his arms to his chest and rocking incessantly.

When he'd begun rocking he had recalled another time when despair had gripped him so tightly that he had resorted to similar actions to soothe his aching, tormented soul, as he recalled the mix of anger, fear, shame and guilt he had felt when Osiris had given him to Lord Chandra for punishing. The tears continued to flow, dropping harder than before as thoughts of that time filled his mind. When he had started to feel as if he were being pawed all over again and remembered the feel of Lord Chandra's warm breath as it bathed his ear and face he had screamed, surrendering to the pain and allowing the tears to continue to fall until they became nothing but trickles and occasional droplets.

He heard Jack's voice again assuring him that what he was now experiencing was normal. Normal? How the hell was this normal? He had started to cry for no goddamned reason! No reason, there was no reason he had just started...crying. It wasn't until after he had started crying that those memories intruded, driving a stake into his heart and triggering the gut wrenching sobs he had caved into only moments before he had heard Jack's car pull into the driveway. God, why had he started to cry? What had triggered...? What...why? He suddenly felt foolish as he unconsciously admitted to himself that he really didn't know what caused those tears. He just started crying out of the blue. No reason, no explanation, no nothing. The tears had just come and that was so damned unnerving! It wasn't normal to just start crying...that just wasn't...normal.

Again Jack's soothing voice broke through his morose contemplations, "Daniel what you're experiencing right now is perfectly normal. Trust me. Part of the symptoms of trauma is frequent crying and exaggerated emotional responses."

Oh great so now Jack not only was saying it was normal but that it was frequent? Oh that was just great! Damn it! And he mentioned that same word Sam had the other day: trauma. Trauma? What fuckin' trauma? He had surrendered so how the hell could that cause trauma? He had allowed his lord to use his body in whatever way he desired. How the hell...? He shook his head feeling suddenly scared and panicky, but couldn't explain the sudden variation in his mood. He heard Jack droning on about his reactions being normal but beyond that he was having difficulty comprehending. What the hell was wrong with him?

He refused to look up at Jack keeping his eyes trained on the floor, unwilling to do anything else. He suddenly felt so alone and so pathetic. Here he was with tears streaming down his face scared to death and unable to come up with any reason for those feelings. Just what the hell was wrong with him? As Jack called his name sounding a bit peeved all he managed to force passed his lips was, "I'm...I'm cold. Could... Could you start a fire please? Please, Jack, I'm really...cold."

"Daniel..."

He cast Jack a pleading look as he quietly uttered, "Please."

Jack watched Daniel for several moments before nodding his head, saying he could do that for him and retrieving a blanket, which he carefully draped around him. He tucked the blanket under Daniel's chin before placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder and asking if he felt better. Daniel nodded suddenly very grateful for Jack's concern feeling his fear and anxiety beginning to slowly crumble as Jack told him to sit tight while he built the fire.

Daniel watched Jack busying himself until he had a decent fire going. He then watched him as he drew to a halt before him again inquiring if he felt better. After nodding Jack sat down beside him on the couch. He willingly slid in against him sighing in relief as Jack's arms wrapped around his body holding him close. It was then that he realized he had been shivering. When Jack shifted to give him more room he allowed a small smile to escape before attempting to curl in against Jack and lean his head on his shoulder. Once he was settled he felt Jack lean forward to gently prop his chin atop his head after kissing him and proceeding to run his hands up and down his body as if to warm him.

Jack felt the vise on his heart squeezing a bit tighter when Daniel curled up against him as if trying to fuse himself with him. He became aware that Daniel's body was wracked with shudders. He was shaking. He knew this reaction all too well from his days after Iraq. Daniel was slipping out of the momentary shock his body had been in as a result of what he had experienced. He was beginning to react to what had occurred. He was beginning to feel again, to pull himself out of the open complacency he had exhibited on the day they had retrieved him from Osiris' planet. He knew Daniel's emotions and feelings were now in turmoil. He was experiencing upheaval and was unsure how to cope. He was breaking free of the trauma taking the first step towards the path of healing that he so desperately needed. He was beginning to thaw out.

The journey Daniel was daring to embark on was going to be a long one, long and so very hard, but it was necessary. All of it was necessary because if he didn't move through the stages he'd never reclaim who he was. Jack's job right now was simple: to offer comfort, solace, patience and most of all understanding and reassurance. He had every intention of providing all of those important needs for his lover. He was not about to make Daniel begin such a long journey all on his own. He was going to stand by him every single step of the way.

* * * *

Later that night...

As he settled down for bed Jack found himself in another quandary: he wanted to touch Daniel, to touch him and to hold him, but he knew that Daniel might not accept. Still he had to try. He waited for his lover to return from the shower determined to make an attempt to reach for him, very much aware that Daniel might jump up and flee the moment he did so...either that or scream so damned loudly that he'd wake the neighbors. Ever since his return Daniel had been acting very skittish, which had both upset and angered him because he didn't quite understand why that was.

Jack glanced up smiling as Daniel returned from the shower then settled on the bed lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. He rose up on his left arm, propping his head in his hand as he looked down upon the man he loved so completely. The instant he did so he noticed Daniel's chest beginning to rise and fall rapidly...fear. The man was afraid. Damn, what the hell had Osiris done to Daniel to make him so fearful? He watched as Daniel swept his tongue across his bottom lip...a definite indicator that he was very nervous. He continued to watch noticing the man suddenly flick a suspicious blue gaze his way and smiled before softly saying, "Relax, Daniel, I'm only looking at you. All I want to do is look. Aren't I allowed to look at you?"

Daniel shifted his gaze to his face once more inhaling deeply before answering, "I...I suppose... I'm...I'm sorry, Jack."

"About what?"

"Being so...so...I don't know. I'm sorry."

Jack hushed him then gently pressed his pointer finger to Daniel's lips to silence him. Again Daniel tensed beneath him, unconsciously pulling away from the light touch. Jack continued to speak, "I missed you. I missed you so much, Daniel. It just wasn't the same without you here in our bed...together. I missed you so much... God, you are even more beautiful than I remember..."

Daniel instantly shook his head, telling Jack non-verbally that he was far from beautiful. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard before forcing them back open and returning his gaze to the deep brown eyes of his lover. He watched Jack intently unsure of what the man would do and feeling extremely afraid and uncertain.

Jack continued to admire his lover and slowly dragged his fingertip across Daniel's bottom lip. He tensed, gasping in surprise as Daniel began to gently tug the finger in between his sweet luscious lips, staring in shock when the younger man started to suckle on it. Instantly heat slammed into his groin and a fire blazed within. He quickly realized that he wanted to make love to Daniel but knew that he shouldn't...hell, he couldn't. Janet had warned him that he would have to move slowly, but the more Daniel suckled on his finger the harder it became to suppress that overwhelming need and desire. Without conscious thought he released a soft drawn-out moan to the air. As he stared deep into Daniel's eyes he felt the need to make love to the man and just for a moment, a brief moment in time he saw himself turning the man onto his back and taking him desperately. He closed his eyes forcing himself to regain control of his spiraling emotions knowing that he had to stall his own needs and desires for Daniel was not yet ready to be made love to. Instantly he yanked his finger out of the sweet, moist mouth determined to put an end to a possible mistake.

As Jack's finger started to slowly trace his bottom lip Daniel had instantly responded to the stimulation by tugging the finger into his mouth and suckling it just as he had been trained to do for his master. He hadn't realized what he was doing until Jack jerked his finger away and Daniel saw the expression of shocked surprise on his face. He felt instantly ashamed as he realized what he had just done and quickly cast his eyes downward feeling the warm heat flood up across his neck and cheeks as his face became beet red with embarrassment. As the shame began to take over Daniel jerked up out of the bed and ran for the bedroom door, determined to put as much distance between him and Jack as possible. He quickly darted down the stairs and out the front door ignoring the cold chill of the night air as he became determined to flee.

Jack cursed as his lover cast his eyes away and took off. He knew that he had to go after him and quickly took up the pursuit. When he next caught sight of his lover Daniel was making his way rapidly towards the road. He picked up his pace running after him, determined to stop him and bring him back to the house. He felt relieved when he caught up with Daniel who had stopped upon hearing his name, but his relief was soon replaced by sadness as Daniel responded by immediately turning his back to him, wrapping his arms protectively over his chest and ducking his head. He knew at that moment he would have to take things slowly and watch what he said and did, or Daniel might possibly take off again. He spoke softly, "Daniel... Daniel, where are you going? You need to come back to the house. It's freezing out here and you have no socks, no shoes...no coat...Daniel, please come back to the house. Please."

Daniel's only response was a sudden shake of his head. Jack sighed softly before continuing, "Okay if you won't come back with me then perhaps you can tell me what happened back there. What was all that about, Daniel? Why did you feel the need to run?" Silence was his only answer so he resorted to softly pleading, "Daniel, will you please talk to me?"

Daniel still refused to acknowledge his lover, continuing to stare at his feet and wrap his arms tighter around his body.

Jack continued, "All...all right fine. Don't tell me but... Daniel, I didn't turn from you because you upset me. I... God I wanted to...I wanted to make love to you so badly and yes, yes what you were doing back there...God it felt very good...I... I wanted to take you right then and there, but I know that you're not yet ready for that. I had to stop before I hurt you. I don't want to rush you or pressure you into anything. The reason I turned from you is because if I hadn't then all my self-control would have gone out the window. I don't know where the hell you learned to do something like that, but it felt wonderful and I...I wanted you to continue...I wanted to do more than just touch you. I don't know where that came from but..."

Daniel swallowed hard before speaking so softly that Jack barely heard him, "I...I had to do a lot of...things while I was away...I had to do a lot of...things...for him that I didn't..."

Jack tensed further as he heard those words. He moved closer trying to catch the rest of what Daniel was saying, "He trained me to...to do a lot...a lot of..."

"Things?"

Daniel nodded before adding, "For him..."

"And suckling my finger?"

"It was expected...should something be placed against my lips I... It was part of my training Jack..."

"God I'm sorry Daniel I didn't realize..."

Daniel simply shook his head, not being able to find the strength to continue speaking. He remained silent tensing and pulling from Jack the instant he placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Jack felt his heart breaking in response to Daniel's rejection of his touch and he suddenly felt jealous rage boiling in the pit of his stomach. He yelled at himself wondering why he was allowing himself to become so damned jealous of Osiris and of what Osiris could draw from his Danny. Why was he allowing that to bother him? Why had seeing Daniel respond so openly, so eagerly to the Goa'uld lord start a jealous rage deep within? Why did he feel anger when his lover pulled from him or begged not to be touched? Why did he feel this uncontrollable urge to lash out and punish the man for daring to reject him? Why was he so damned angry? How could he think such terrible things about the love of his life, and how could he tolerate those violent thoughts, those violent impulses he felt when Daniel shrugged from him? Why the hell did he feel such an intense need to stake his claim and to mark his lover as his? WHY?

He silenced the disturbing thoughts not wanting to even admit that he was having them. Daniel had only just returned. He had no knowledge of what his lover had experienced. All he knew was what Daniel had so far revealed. He could see that the abduction was wreaking havoc on Daniel's life and he felt so angry and so damned guilty for not finding him and rescuing him sooner. He should be completely focused on Daniel and helping him in any way that he could not entertaining such twisted thoughts of staking his claim on him or feeling jealous and outraged at the mention of Zeenan's name or the images, the memories, of seeing Daniel responding so eagerly to Osiris the day they brought him home.

My God it was a year, a year that Daniel had spent with both Zeenan and Osiris and in that year he had been obviously trained to do all kinds of things. He had probably been through a lot of elaborate trainings to become what Osiris wanted him to be. He should be anticipating problems, anticipating Daniel's needs not focusing on rage and jealousy due to what his mind told him had occurred on that planet.

He had no doubts in his mind that Daniel had warmed Osiris' bed, probably every single night. Hell, Osiris had probably demanded that he serve in bed every single night. He'd probably expected Daniel to openly accept his touches and caresses no matter who was there to witness. Hell, the damned snake had probably demanded even more than that, but none of it was Daniel's fault, none of it, so why did he want to lay claim on Daniel? Why did he want to make love to him all over again so badly? Why did he want to...hurt his lover in some of those disturbing thoughts and dreams? WHY? Wasn't it enough that Daniel awoke every damned night since his return pleading, hell begging for his lord to stop touching him? Wasn't it enough that Daniel jerked away from his touch, that he felt it necessary to lock the bathroom door every single night to keep him away?

The signs and indicators were there. Daniel had been sexually assaulted, hell probably raped every fuckin' night of the week. It was so obvious that he had been used, abused and assaulted often. There might not have been violence involved but the symptoms were there, yet he still couldn't vanquish those feelings of intense jealously and rage. He still couldn't eradicate those horrible images of himself reclaiming Daniel by fucking him raw or hurting him in the process of lovemaking. He still couldn't believe that Daniel HAD been a victim of sexual assault at all. In fact, he REFUSED to believe that his lover was even raped despite all the evidence to the contrary. Was that why he wanted to harm him? Because he believed that Daniel had been extremely willing to serve Osiris and Zeenan's sexual needs? Is that why he kept having these disturbing thoughts of reclaiming Daniel, of...? Shit, were these violent thoughts normal or was he just some sick twisted bastard who was more of a threat to Daniel than anything? Maybe...maybe Osiris had been right in his assessment...to keep Daniel with him for fear that he'd...that his lover would... NO! NO! NO! That was bullshit, total fuckin' bullshit! Those thoughts were just images; they had no power over him and no way of harming Daniel, yet they disturbed the hell out of him and made him doubt himself. Were they normal or...?

He decided that maybe he should visit Doctor Fraiser tomorrow. Maybe she could help him understand better why he was feeling so jealous and having such sadistic thoughts about Daniel, Zeenan and Osiris. Maybe he was losing his mind after all and was a danger to Daniel or maybe, just maybe those feelings and the anger he's been experiencing were completely normal. Whatever they were he hated them. He hated those thoughts and the impulses he felt. He would never, ever hurt Daniel ever! So why then was he having such evil thoughts of harming the man he loved? WHY?

He shook his head, still angry with himself and his twisted thoughts. He gazed fixedly at the back of Daniel's head noting that he still stood ram-rod straight, his arms wrapped around his chest in a self-hugging gesture. He also realized that he, himself, was standing tensely and that bothered him. Here he stood behind his lover clenching his hands, balling them into fists at his sides. What the hell was he doing? He should be trying to offer his lover comfort not standing tensed as if he were ready to run or pounce. He closed his eyes as he drew a calming breath forcing his fists to open and his mind to calm. Daniel seemed oblivious to the fact that his lover was presently battling with his inner demons and feeling such an intense need to lash out. Again he shook his head and inhaled deeply. This was not good. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be hostile towards Daniel. He had to be supportive and keep his anger reined in, for if he released it then Daniel would probably assume that he was angry with him and right now Daniel's feelings were just too volatile for that.

Jack felt relieved when his sudden anger subsided. He then reached out to hold Daniel who tensed upon the contact. He waited on edge for Daniel to reject him, surprised when his lover chose instead to lean into him, as if he were searching out his warmth and touch. He swallowed hard as he muttered, "Daniel..."

"Jack, hold me. Please. Please Jack can you...can you do that for me? Will you...?"

Would he? What? Why did Daniel sound so damned afraid to ask to be held by him? Why? He instantly wrapped his arms around Daniel pulling him back against his chest and holding him safely in the haven of his arms. He kissed Daniel's ear as he softly added, "Yes I'll hold you, Daniel. I'll hold you as long as you want me to."

Daniel released a loud sigh of relief and Jack felt the tension immediately leave his body. Had Daniel really feared that he would refuse to hold him? If so, why? Why would Daniel fear such a thing? Why?

"You know I hated him, Jack. I hated him so much, yet I...I needed him too."

Jack drew in a deep breath as Daniel spoke wanting to say something but remaining silent granting Daniel the opportunity to continue speaking. He held Daniel tighter not wanting to ever let him go. He was surprised and somewhat disappointed when Daniel suddenly turned in his arms and buried his face in his chest allowing the silence to stretch between them. He sensed that Daniel wanted to talk, needed to talk but was afraid to, so he waited feeling sad and angry as Daniel lifted his face long enough to request they go home before the silence again consumed them. He nodded and together they made their way back neither one speaking, just holding hands as they entered the house and went back to bed.

Jack slowly lowered himself beside Daniel propping his head up on his left elbow as he gazed at the younger man. He pressed his other hand to the side of Daniel's face as he quietly urged, "Tell me what you're thinking about love."

Daniel shifted his gaze to Jack's face and cautiously shifted towards him. He wanted to answer Jack's question but hesitated. He held Jack's gaze only a moment longer before breaking eye contact choosing instead to become absorbed in the ceiling as he quietly muttered, "Stuff...lots of stuff..."

"Like what? Care to share?"

"Ah, um, well you know...things."

"Things? Care to elaborate?"

Daniel softly moaned as Jack's free hand moved to his belly where he started drawing little circles across his skin making goose bumps rise in response to the physical contact. He inhaled shakily before continuing, "About earlier Jack I..."

"Shh, shh let's not talk about earlier unless...unless you want to. Do you want to talk about earlier, Daniel?"

"Hmm, uh no, no not...not really but..."

"Shh, shh no buts Daniel. We won't talk about earlier if you don't want to."

Daniel nervously darted his eyes in Jack's direction before once again training his gaze on the ceiling above them adding, "So what should we talk about then?"

“Anything, anything you'd like. How's work?"

Daniel again glanced briefly at him before replying, "What...what kind of a question...?"

"You said you wanted to talk, so...how's work?"

"Not good...I...well...Jack... Never mind... Look I...um...mmm Jaack what...?"

Jack snickered as he slipped his hand even lower towards Daniel's groin. He was very careful to move slowly, and as he eased his hand beneath the waistline of the pajama pants Daniel was wearing he felt his lover's response as he thrust his beautiful hips upward and hardened beneath the fabric now covering his nakedness. Hmm, Daniel was aroused and he wanted nothing more than to accept the open invitation Daniel's body seemed to be extending to him, but he forced himself to refrain from touching Daniel sexually. Instead he continued to gently draw circles on Daniel's skin just brushing his groin lightly with his fingertips. As he eased his fingers a bit lower he gasped in surprise when he felt the smooth hairless skin beneath his fingers. He gazed at Daniel raising his eyebrows in question. Daniel blushed clear to his roots as he stuttered out an answer, "I...I...it felt...it...I didn't feel comfortable...I... It was a long time Jack and I...I kind of..."

"Got used to it?"

He watched as Daniel swallowed convulsively still blushing as he answered, "Uh, yes I...I suppose I, um, I did. I just...you don't like it?"

Jack focused intently on Daniel removing his hand from beneath his pants as he reached up to turn his face towards him. He then answered, "If you're comfortable shaving yourself then go for it. I want you to be comfortable and if that makes you feel more at ease then do it."

Daniel cast a shy glance Jack's way before again staring at the ceiling as he answered, "I just...every week...it...I feel funny you know, weird if...I don't know does that sound stupid? It does I know it does...you know he said that...marked me as a slave...slave's don't...slaves aren't permitted...hair. Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard Jack? I...I kind of...I know it, it's another indicator of what I am...um, of what I was but...but it just feels so...awkward you know. I...I just..."

Jack pressed a finger over Daniel's lips as he smiled warmly and said, "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel you don't have to explain love. You don't have to explain. If you feel comfortable shaving then do it. Okay. If you feel comfortable with it then I feel comfortable too. Stop worrying about it. Okay."

"But Jack..."

"Okay?"

Daniel smiled shyly before nodding his head in response. Jack noticed some of the tension seemed to ease in Daniel's body and was glad for that. He then lowered and leaned forward brushing his lips across those of his lover's as he huskily drawled, "Besides I think it's sexy as hell."

Daniel's eyes widened in surprise as he again stuttered, "You, you, you do?"

"Oh yeah. YOU are sexy as hell love."

"Jack please..."

Jack grinned as he pressed soft kisses to Daniel's jaw drawing an invisible line from his jaw to his left ear as he continued speaking in that husky tone, "Oh yes, very sexy. Every inch of you is delectable love. Every contour, every curve, every little nuance and texture...you are so beautiful Daniel. So goddamned beautiful..."

Daniel raised his left hand automatically placing it against Jack's chest prepared to push him away but still wanting this desperately: to be made love to, to make love. He felt the usual stirrings begin as his body became even more aroused, and he prepared to plead for sex. He craved it, ached for it...hell needed it. Every nerve was crying out to be pleasured. He moaned as his dick swelled even more growing harder as the head of his penis began to seep with pre cum. He was so goddamned ready to be made love to, so ready to be fucked. As Jack continued to plant soft kisses across his ear, his face, his eyes, his nose he licked his lips thrusting his hips up into Jack begging and pleading with his body for what his mouth was not prepared to request. He felt the defiance and anger within as he felt his resistance crack and crumble. He would not beg. He would never beg for sex again. He wouldn't. He had sworn to himself, promised himself that Osiris would not draw his pleas from within again. He wouldn't. He couldn't he was saving himself, keeping himself buried and safe, hiding himself away for, "Jaaack...Jack please...please..."

Jack knew he should stop himself, knew he had to bring a halt to what they were quickly heading towards. Janet had told him, warned him that Daniel was not ready for this. He wasn't ready for intercourse. She had warned him, and he had to listen to her. Janet knew what was right and this, this was so very right, but he couldn't. He couldn't do this to Daniel. Daniel wasn't ready. Hell, the man was still pulling away from his touch. Daniel has only been back a short time there was no way in hell he was prepared to make love, yet he could feel his lover thrusting up against him, hear the pleas, the moans and the sighs Daniel was releasing to the air, feel the way his body was so eagerly responding to his touch... Daniel wanted this so badly, but he couldn't do it. Jack would hate himself if they progressed any further. He couldn't do this to Daniel. He couldn't!

Daniel continued to feel his need thrumming through his body. He needed this so badly. He needed to be fucked and to fuck in return. He needed it, longed for it and ached for those feelings to return. As he felt the kisses being pressed into his skin he allowed himself to feel again, and his need to make love became overwhelming. He bit into his bottom lip wanting desperately to trap those desperate pleas within not wanting to give voice to the words his lord longed to hear. He couldn't release those pleas for that was what Osiris longed for, that is what he waited for, always. Osiris would rarely progress their intercourse beyond touching and kissing, unless Daniel begged to be fucked. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't do it! He couldn't! But God he wanted to. He needed to feel again and he knew, he knew that by pleading with his master he would be again permitted to feel. By pleading with his master he would be rewarded and his needs would be met. His cravings, his urges would be satisfied and without further thought he released the soft plea, "Please...please, make love to me...please... Please, My Lord, please I beg of you..."

Jack tensed as he heard Daniel's soft plea. His lover had spoken so quietly that he hadn't been certain he had heard anything, but he had and those words sent chills through his body. Daniel was pleading to be made love to, begging not him, no he didn't say "Jack" what he said was "My Lord". Oh God, Daniel, Daniel...what has he done to you? How did he gain your compliance in the bedroom? Daniel...God how can I help you through this? How?

Daniel released a soft whimper as Jack pulled away from him, and he reached for Jack pulling him back down on top of him. He needed to feel, needed to experience this, needed to fuck and needed it now. He licked his lips as he prepared to beg yet again. He pulled Jack closer then pressed a kiss to his lips, spreading kisses from his mouth to his ear before whispering, "Fuck me please."

"Daniel..."

Daniel moaned again wondering why he wasn't being pleasured. He needed this, ached for it. Why wasn't he being granted what he requested? Why? What the hell sort of game was his lord playing this time? He kept his eyes closed as he gave in to his need to be satisfied. He allowed his legs to drift lazily apart drawling in a sensual seductive voice, "Fuck me, My Lord. I belong to you...only you."

Jack stared at Daniel in horror grasping Daniel's arms he shook Daniel as he yelled his name several times. When Daniel focused on him he continued, "Daniel, look at me! Look at me! It's Jack. Osiris isn't here...Jack...I'm Jack. Daniel? Daniel?"

As if a light went on in Daniel's mind he released a quiet, "Jack? Jack what...?"

"Daniel? Daniel, are you all right? Daniel?"

Daniel gazed at Jack in worry and concern. He then reached up to press a hand to Jack's face as he inquired, "Jack what's wrong? Jack? Jack, you're scaring me. Jack?"

"Daniel, what the hell was that?"

Daniel paled as he suddenly realized that he was sprawled out across the mattress, his legs spread wide as if he were some cheap whore and pre cum dripping from his penis. He swallowed hard as he felt sudden shame fill him. He gasped, hissing as he yelled, "OH GOD! Oh God Jack what the hell...what the...!"

"Daniel, Daniel calm down. Daniel, you were...I don't know you were..."

"Jack...Jack what...?"

Jack noticed Daniel was now shivering, an expression of horror was in his eyes, and he was extremely pale. He quickly drew Daniel against him pulling him close and held him tightly in his embrace. Daniel fought against him trying to push him away as tears glistened in his eyes. Oh God Daniel wasn't handling this well. God. He continued to hold Daniel tightly as the man shook and buried his face in the crook of his arm. The tears in his eyes seeming to take on a mind of their own began to pour down over his beautiful cheeks. He felt Daniel's arms entwining around him clinging desperately to him as he continued to shake as if he were freezing. He crooned softly to his lover telling him that it was all right, that everything was all right. He continued speaking to Daniel feeling relieved only when he stopped shaking and seemed to calm upon the mattress.

When Daniel finally found the courage to peek his head out from its haven Jack felt relieved and smiled tenderly at his lover. Daniel responded by immediately down casting his eyes, a look of shame upon his face as he did so. Jack was quick to reassure, "Daniel, Daniel don't. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Daniel..."

"Nothing to be ashamed of? Jack I just...I...I... How can I not feel ashamed after...? Jack..."

"Shh, shh Daniel. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Believe me Daniel you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"Jack what...what did I... I...what just...what happened?"

"You...you slipped into a trance...of some sort. Well that's the best word I can think to describe it. One minute you were here with me and the next minute you were..."

"With him. Why? Why would...Jack what the hell is wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you Daniel. You had a flashback, a flashback that just happened to be triggered while we were in bed and I was...kissing you. Look I shouldn't have done that. Janet warned me not to pressure you. She told me you weren't ready to...you know. I shouldn't have pushed I...I just... I love you and I...I wanted to but...but I had to stop. I wanted you so badly Daniel but I... I can't do that to you. It's too soon."

"I had a flashback, Jack?"

"Yes."

"And a flashback triggered arousal in me? Jack what the...?"

"No um I...I triggered that arousal Daniel the flashback...I think, I think that's why you had the flashback."

"But that wasn't a flashback I thought, I really thought that I was...you know and..."

"It was a flashback Daniel. You don't need to be ashamed of a flashback. It happens."

"But, but it's so..."

"Real? Yeah flashbacks are like that you know. You feel like you're there and its happening all over again, but you're not. Your mind is there; you aren't. I know it's kind of freaky but that just happens to be part of PTSD."

"PTSD? What? You think I have...?"

"Yes you do. I know you do. You have the symptoms Daniel."

"No I don't."

"Daniel, I have PTSD and I think I can recognize it in someone else pretty quickly even when that someone else happens to be the love of my life."

"The love of your...Jack..."

"I love you Daniel. Believe that will you. Please? I love you. I always have and always will."

"But...but how can...?"

Jack silenced Daniel's question by kissing him firmly on the lips. Daniel moaned quickly responding, yielding to Jack and pressing firmer against him. Jack quieted his voice as he urged, "Go to sleep, Daniel. You look exhausted. Rest and we'll talk about this in the morning."

"Rest? I don't think I can."

"Sure you can, Daniel, sure you can. You've had a pretty busy evening. Sleep; go to sleep love. I'll be right here. I promise."

"I'm not tired Jack. I'm not..."

As if to deny those words he yawned and snuggled deeper in Jack's embrace sighing as Jack pressed a kiss to his forehead before once again urging him to rest. He swore that he wouldn't go to sleep, but his mind had other ideas and within moments Jack found himself holding a gently snoozing Daniel Jackson in his arms. He smirked in satisfaction and held his lover close determined to remain by his side and stave off any demons that might find his lover in the midst of his dreams...

* * * *

He snapped his eyes open, a scream on the very tip of his tongue, one he quickly choked into silence. He clenched his eyes tightly shut aware that he had dreamed again and that the dreams had terrified him. He swallowed hard trying to remain as still as possible hoping, praying that this time he hadn't woken his slumbering partner. When he felt calm and relaxed he gazed at Jack noticing his eyes were closed...had he slept through the nightmare? He hoped so. He felt so damned guilty about waking Jack up every night as his dreams gripped him in terror and panic. He watched Jack for a while. Good. It looked as if Jack slept through the dream. Good.

He had a sudden incredible urge to bathe and casting another assessing gaze Jack's way he carefully eased himself out of bed making his way quietly to the bathroom, casting his gaze in Jack's direction one last time to make certain that he was still asleep. He then quietly closed the door this time leaving it unlocked certain that Jack wouldn't attempt to join him. He turned on the shower then stepped under the scolding hot streams of water picking up a bar of soap and began to scrub himself vigorously.

Jack had tensed the moment he realized what had brought him so abruptly awake: Daniel. Daniel had had another dream, another nightmare. He wanted desperately to soothe his lover but hesitated simply choosing to remain still to see what Daniel would do next, sorely disappointed when he chose to retreat to the bathroom instead of turning to him for comfort. Shit. How could he help Daniel if Daniel wouldn't allow him to? How?

He lay still listening to Daniel's movements noticing that he was taking extra care to remain quiet. The moment he heard the bathroom door close he found himself straining to hear the lock being thrown, and was surprised when the next sound he heard was the shower being turned on. He stared into the darkness stuck in the midst of indecision. He wanted to go to Daniel but feared that he'd only upset him if he did so. After some debating he decided that he would simply check on him and carefully rose out of bed. Approaching the bathroom he carefully turned the knob half fearing he would find the door locked after all, and half fearing that Daniel would hear him. As the knob turned easily and the door gave beneath his hand he sighed in relief quietly easing it open before cautiously entering the room.

He paused the moment his eyes fell on the shower curtain and on the black outline of his lover's gorgeous physique. He shook his head determined to just watch Daniel feeling drawn to him, feeling an overwhelming need to join him but knowing that to do so would only cause more problems. He forced himself to remain still, gawking at his love and entertaining fantasies that kept bouncing at the edge of his mind before receding.

As he continued to observe his lover he allowed his mind to contemplate the many questions and concerns he now had about him. The main question that always seemed to haunt him was what had happened. What had Osiris done to Daniel? How had Daniel's life been during the past year? What had he had to do to survive, and just how much did he surrender to the Goa'uld lord who had held him prisoner? He had been a slave, a servant to the Goa'uld lord who now possessed his ex-girlfriend. He already knew that Daniel still experienced much guilt over not helping Sarah when he'd had the chance, that he blamed himself for her possession just as he'd blamed himself for Sha're's. He had hoped to free Sarah but to this day she still remained possessed. How had Daniel dealt with coming face to face with living proof of what he felt was one of the greatest failures in his life? How had he handled that?

Jack shook his head feeling helpless and angry. Why did so many bad things happen to Daniel? Why? As he watched his lover washing himself, actually he was scrubbing himself harshly from the looks of it, he swallowed hard. Daniel obviously felt dirty as if he weren't clean enough. Why? Why did Daniel feel as if he were dirty? Why? What the hell had happened while he had been away? What had Osiris done to him? He knew that there had been sexual servitude, that was evident in the terrifying nightmares that constantly brought Daniel out of a deep sleep nearly every damned night begging and pleading not to be touched and for Jack not to hate and despise him, not to leave him. The evidence was also present in Daniel's actions. He feared his touch, shrugged away from it...hell, he went to extreme lengths to avoid any kind of touch... There was evidence everywhere of the events that had transpired during his captivity. There were no doubts in his mind. Daniel had served Osiris' sexual needs. He probably hadn't had any choice and now, now he was left to try and live with what he had been forced to do. He had to try to move on knowing that he had offered Osiris every part of himself. He had made a huge sacrifice, a sacrifice that Jack still couldn't comprehend. Could things have been that bad for his lover? Hell, had they really had sex every night? No, no. Daniel wouldn't, he couldn't...but he had, he had so...so now what? What was he supposed to do? Sure he could gather all those little remnants and shards of Daniel Jackson and put him back together but he'd never have his lover truly back, would he?

Again the images flashed in his mind of Daniel sighing in pleasure, of him thrusting upwards into Osiris begging, pleading with him to be made love to. He heard those words spoken so softly in his mind again: 'Fuck me, My Lord, I belong only to you...'

No, no, NO! Daniel didn't belong to Osiris, and he hadn't had sex with that snake every night! NO! But what if he had and what if...he had enjoyed it? Had he? After the way he had responded to Osiris on the day they had found him and the way he had pleaded for Osiris to fuck him earlier... He had. God, he'd enjoyed it, hadn't he? Oh God he had! NO! God, he had liked it. He had liked being Osiris' slut, his whore. Oh God! He had enjoyed it hadn't he? That's why he, that's why...

Jack was so angry, so horrified by that knowledge, so jealous of Osiris at that moment that he turned away from his lover and left the room. He then went downstairs to vent instead of doing so in Daniel's presence. Daniel had liked it, hadn't he? That's why he'd responded so readily, so damned eagerly to Osiris on the day of his rescue wasn't it? That's why he'd given Zeenan that smile before stepping through the Stargate because he had liked it, had enjoyed being Osiris' sexual plaything. He had liked it! Son of a bitch! Without a second thought he had left Daniel in the bathroom not realizing that he was allowing his imagination to provide answers to the thousands of unanswered questions he still had swirling through his mind and jumping to conclusions that only had an inkling of truth to them, a very small inkling of truth.

Daniel finished his shower and quietly dried himself off. Feeling better than he had upon waking, he then quickly dressed and entered the bedroom determined to slide back into bed as quietly as he had left, but as he lowered himself to the mattress he noticed that Jack's side of the bed was now empty. The moment he made that observation fear consumed him. God, oh God, Jack left him. He was gone. He didn't want him anymore. Oh God, "Jack..." He gazed around the empty bedroom feeling emotion choking him trying to ignore the certainty within that told him his fears were now reality.

Daniel felt so afraid and so certain Jack had truly left him that tears began to slide unbidden down his cheeks. He called for Jack feeling his heart rate accelerate as no reply echoed back to him. Oh God, God no, no. Jack left! He had lied! He was gone! He had left! No, he had promised. He said that he'd never leave. He swore that he would never leave him... ‘Well, of course he did Daniel. Why would he stay? Why the hell would your precious Jack stay with a slut, with a whore?'

Daniel released a soft whimper and immediately clamped his hands over his ears trying to block out the cruel inner voice that insisted on tormenting him softly hissing, "No, no please. No," but the voice in his mind only continued to grow louder taunting him and torturing him over and over again, 'You're a slut, a whore. You let him touch you. You let him fuck you. You left him and now your precious Jack has left you. He's probably cursing your name, probably trying to get as far away from you as he can...'

"No, no, NO!" He immediately lashed out smacking the glass of water that Jack had brought up for him earlier in the night so hard that it flew off the table and shattered against the wall sending shards of glass and water everywhere. He felt so scared, so panicky and so heartbroken that he continued lashing out at inanimate objects ignoring the heated tears that even now streamed down his face as he tried desperately to silence his own condemning conscience. As he failed to silence his inner voice he began screaming no over and over again calling for Jack in between gasps for breath. He continued to force the name passed his lips releasing Jack's name as if it were a desperate prayer unable to believe or even to accept that Jack was gone, that he had left him alone. Jack would never abandon him! Never! He had promised! He had! He would never abandon him! He wouldn't!

As he saw and heard no sign of Jack, no indication that he still remained within their home Daniel grabbed the lamp on the nightstand hurling it against the wall and screaming as it too shattered into a thousand pieces spraying him with shards that scratched and cut into his tender flesh, but he didn't care. He couldn't care; all he could do, all he could manage was to scream, to scream in desperation at the top of his lungs a denial so firm that one would have to believe it. As he continued to scream fighting his panic trying to deny what his mind was saying had happened to his lover he felt his reserves of strength give out and quickly found himself rapidly descending to the floor beneath him. As he collapsed he immediately curled up into a tight ball muttering pleas for it not to be true. That Jack hadn't left him. He wouldn't leave him. He was here, somewhere. He was! He wouldn't leave. He wouldn't! But he had, he had and...and... Oh God he had!

* * * *

Upon entering the living room Jack had begun pacing back and forth feeling so angry and so mad that all he wanted to do was lash out at something, at anything to release it. Daniel had liked it. He had fuckin' enjoyed being laid by a goddamned snake! How the hell could he have enjoyed something like that? HOW? He continued his agitated pacing back and forth still trying to figure out how Daniel could have enjoyed...that.

As he heard the shower above click off Jack jerked his head up knowing Daniel was done and that he should go back up to bed, but he was so pissed off. Instead he chose to remain in the living room pacing incessantly and listening to Daniel's movements above him certain that he would just go to bed. As a distinct 'No' echoed down to him he felt his heart leaping into his throat. Daniel? Oh God that was Daniel! What the...? Before he could think about what was happening above he was bolting up the stairs taking them two at a time jumping as he heard the sound of glass breaking. Shit, oh shit, Danny! What the hell was going on?

As he entered the bedroom he could only stare in fear and worry as he witnessed Daniel hurling the lamp against the wall before collapsing onto the floor in a heap and balling up. He waited no longer as he ran to Daniel speaking his name over and over again catching Daniel's soft pleas of 'he left, he left, no, no. Jack, need you, need you. Please don't leave. Don't leave. Please, please...'

Knowing that he had to be cautious and calm he approached Daniel continuing to say his name before gently shaking him urging him to look up as he said, "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel look at me. I'm here. I'm here Daniel. I'm here. Please look at me. Daniel? Daniel, look at me. Daniel? DANIEL!"

Suddenly Daniel's head came up and he gazed at him in fear and terror staring in disbelief as his eyes told him something other than what he had believed. Jack felt his heart breaking when he saw the stark cold terror in those blue eyes mixed with intense fear... He knew what he was seeing: fear of abandonment. SHIT! Why hadn't he thought about that? Why? How could he have forgotten? How? He knew without asking that Daniel had panicked. He had been certain that he had been abandoned again. He had returned from his shower expecting to see his lover resting in their bed, and when he came out to find the bed empty his greatest fears had been confirmed. Daniel had had no doubts in his mind that he had been left. Daniel believed that he had been abandoned...again.

"Oh God Daniel no, no. I'm here. I'm here. I won't leave you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I..."

"Jack? JACK!" instantly Daniel launched himself into his lover's arms releasing heart wrenching sobs to the air as he gasped out, "I thought...thought you...tired and...and, and left and...left me... I thought, I thought you left me Jack."

Jack instantly wrapped his arms around Daniel holding him close against him as he began to gently rock them both to and fro, "Shh, shh Daniel I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I did that to you. I just...I needed some time alone to think, you know and I... I just... You should know that I'll never leave you Daniel. I'd never leave you. I can't live without you. You're the other half of my soul. I love you, Daniel. I love you. I will never leave you. Do you hear me? I won't ever do that to you."

"Pro...prom...promise?"

Jack closed his eyes tightening his hold on Daniel who now had his face buried against his chest clinging to him desperately as if he feared he would vanish before his eyes. Shit how could he have been so damned careless? How could he have forgotten just how vulnerable Daniel was? HOW? He quickly reassured, "Yes I promise you. I promise I'll never leave you. I'll never leave you."

Daniel didn't speak only shaking his head in agreement as he continued to cling to Jack as if he were his lifeline, and that was when he realized it. He was. He was Daniel's lifeline, had been throughout everything. Daniel needed him though he pulled from him in daylight, turned from him at night, even put a wall up between them as a buffer daily. Daniel still needed him and tonight he had panicked. Jack had no doubts about that. Daniel had exited the shower only to discover an empty bed and immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had been abandoned yet again. No one should feel that insecure in life. He had thought he had put all of Daniel's insecurities to rest. He, they, had fought long and hard to do that but his abduction, his indentured servitude to a twisted demented snake had obviously stripped him of his faith and trust leaving him feeling extremely vulnerable and breathing life back into the old fears and demons that together he and Daniel had already slain. Damn it, how could Osiris have done that? How could he have stripped Daniel of his safety and security again? Damn it, why? WHY? Everything they had worked so hard for was now destroyed, unraveled by an evil creature whose only goal had been to possess Daniel and use him for whatever he desired. SHIT!

Jack had now found another reason to hate the Goa'uld. They would have to work together to undo the destructiveness that Osiris' captivity had wrought on Daniel. He started to realize that he would need to spend a lot of time reassuring his love, even if Daniel lashed out at him, ignored him, cursed him, or refused to speak to him...he would have to stand by Daniel through it all and this, this is what Janet's point was when she had pulled him to the side the day of Daniel's return to warn him to tread carefully. No one knew what Daniel had suffered, but he had a fair idea of some of those experiences. Where before he had been certain that Daniel hadn't been hurt all that badly he could now see what the captivity had done...well some of what it had done. Daniel's trust, his faith, his security had been stripped from him and destroyed and now he was left to try to move on, to try to rebuild all that he had lost to the heartless bastard.

Jack had made a mistake tonight by leaving Daniel. He had only gone downstairs but the fact remained: he had run from his lover. And unbeknownst to him he had reasserted Daniel's obvious certainty that he would be abandoned again. As he took a moment to assess the damage in the room he could see several things were shattered, which only testified to a truth he had neglected to consider: Daniel was certain that he would abandon him. He believed that it would only be a matter of time before he was again abandoned like he had been all his life, and Jack was now determined to prove that belief was very WRONG. He was now more determined than ever to remain with Daniel no matter what happened. He would give Daniel back all those things that Osiris had ruthlessly and thoughtlessly taken from him. He would!

He held Daniel close continuing to rock him gently offering Daniel the safety and comfort that he so desperately needed. They remained like that for several hours before Daniel finally found enough peace to fall asleep in his arms. Since he didn't have the heart to wake him and didn't want to startle him awake by moving him, Jack remained on the floor holding him, determined not to let him go.

* * * *

Daniel woke up early the next morning feeling arms wrapped securely around him and hearing a heart beating beneath his ear. He froze when he realized that he was being held, but as he inhaled shakily Jack's scent flooded his senses and he knew instantly who now held him. He relaxed lifting his gaze to Jack and smiling shyly when he saw that his lover's eyes were closed. As he realized they were both on the floor he furrowed his brow trying to recall what had happened earlier the previous night. As his gaze settled on the shattered remains of the bedroom lamp he suddenly remembered everything.

My God had Jack sat with him all night? He felt a bit guilty knowing that was exactly what his lover had done. He quietly muttered, "Jack..."

"Hmm..."

"Jack."

"Wha...what?" came the slurred question as Jack opened his eyes. Daniel could see that Jack had gotten little rest the previous night. He shook his head frowning in disapproval before commenting "All right let's get you into bed."

Jack, who was now more alert, immediately set about to protest that order, "What? No, no Daniel I'm fine..."

Daniel didn't believe a word out of his mouth and quickly voiced his thoughts on the comment, "Really? Jack, don't argue with me. Come on. Let's go. Up, up..."

He managed to get Jack to his feet immediately bracing his lover when he tried to head for the bathroom instead of the bed. Daniel wasted little time turning the man around before softly chiding, "Oh no, no, no. The only place you're going, Colonel, is to bed. NOW."

Jack shook his head ready to protest, "Daniel..."

"Ah, no...bed. B-E-D. No arguments."

Jack grumbled a reply but Daniel refused to be dissuaded from his goal choosing instead to ignore the complaints as he led Jack back to bed where he proceeded to lower a softly protesting Jack to the mattress. He grinned as Jack continued to brook an argument with him even as he was making himself more than a little bit comfortable in their bed. He watched Jack as his eyes slid shut while he softly added, "Love you, Daniel, love you."

Daniel pressed a kiss to Jack's forehead softly whispering, "I love you too, Jack. I love you too," and smiling when Jack began to quietly snore falling asleep with a smile on his lips. He watched Jack for several minutes to make certain that he was sleeping before setting to work gathering up the shards of glass scattered across the floor from the previous night's panic attack.

* * * *

Jack awoke wondering where he was and as confusion filled him he jerked upright gazing about the room. The first thing he noticed was that he was alone. The second thing he noticed was that delicious aroma traveling up from below and the third thing was the time: 10am. SHIT! He was late for work.

He jumped up quickly dressing and racing down the stairs drawing to a halt as his eyes fell upon the man presently standing in the kitchen entrance dressed in a pair of snug blue jeans that teased the eye and wearing a tight form-fitting black T-shirt. His mouth suddenly dried up as he gazed into the eyes of the man with that beautiful physique and felt his dick rise in response to the appealing image before him.

Soft blue eyes met startled brown ones as Daniel drawled, "Hi Jack. What's your hurry?"

Damn, how the hell could the man sound so damned sensual when all he did was ask a simple question? Thoughts of work fled his mind as images of Daniel filtered in. He licked his lips as he forced a lid shut on his fantasies cursing his mind for its insistent need to tamper with quite a few of them all at once. He focused his full attention on Daniel quickly discovering that his tongue was also refusing to work as his brain short-circuited. Shit! He continued to gaze at Daniel saying nothing until his mouth finally decided to work, albeit stuttering wasn't exactly what he had intended, "Work, work...late... I'm...I'm late...late for work."

Daniel's lips curved up into a beautiful smile as he assured, "The General knows you're going to be in late, Jack. There's no need for you to be in such a hurry."

"The General? Daniel you..."

"I called Janet. Told her we'd had a rough night and that you didn't get much rest. She informed the General that you would be in after getting some sleep."

"What the hell did she tell him? That we were..."

A mischievous sparkle entered Daniel's eyes for just a brief instant before he answered, "Uh, no Jack. She didn't. That would be a breach of the patient-doctor..."

"Thing?"

"Yeah. She told him I stopped by, had a rough night. You were here to listen and didn't get much rest. You're fine. It won't be counted against you. Besides you hardly ever miss work anyhow so the General understands and gave you his blessing. He called to check on me and to tell me that you didn't have to be at work until later."

"And what about you? What did he tell you?"

"He didn't tell me anything. I told him I was going to take the day off."

"And?"

"And he said I should expect a visit from Sam or Teal'c sometime this afternoon while you are working," Daniel continued to smile as he added, "he's just as bad as you are. You're all so damned over protective of me."

Jack smiled as he responded, "But you like us to be like that, love. I know you do," before wrapping his arms around Daniel and pulling him against his chest. Daniel wouldn't deny that. He liked feeling important to someone, and knowing that his friends were willing to check up on him made him feel a whole hell of a lot better than if they were to ignore him after his return. He needed that reassurance that he was still cared about and that people still worried about what happened to him. He needed it to feel better about himself and to find the courage and strength to continue his battle towards healing.

Daniel pulled back from Jack as he informed him, "Colonel, our food's getting cold."

Jack nodded wanting to refuse to eat and not wanting to break their hug, but he also didn't want to do anything to jeopardize Daniel's present mood. He was behaving like the old Daniel Jackson today and he wasn't about to do anything to change that, especially knowing that Daniel might soon revert to being the nervous, anxious, quiet, unsettled person he was after his release. He smiled brightly as he led Daniel to the table and they both sat down to eat.

After eating Daniel walked with him to the door. Jack kissed him goodbye and turned to leave when Daniel gently grasped his arm. He turned back and Daniel smiled before saying, "Thank you, Jack...for last night...for everything. Thank you."

He then pressed a timid kiss to Jack's lips blushing maddeningly as he darted his eyes anxiously away. The shyness was definitely new and a creation of Osiris' treatment of his lover. He quickly pulled Daniel into his arms holding him as he said, "Anytime, space monkey. Anytime."

They stood like that for several minutes before Jack broke the hug, kissed Daniel again and headed to work after telling Daniel to call him if he needed anything at all.

* * * *

Jack stopped just outside the SGC infirmary and hesitation crept in. He knew why he was here. He needed to speak to Janet, but what if she...what if she told him that his...that the thoughts he was having indicated that he was, could possibly be, violent? He was on the verge of leaving but knew he couldn't relax until he had spoken with her so he drew in a calming breath before opening the door.

He entered the infirmary approaching her but remaining silent still unsure of what to do when he decided to ask a question, "Janet, can I...talk to you a minute?"

She glanced up offering him a warm smile as she answered, "Sure Colonel."

"Alone."

She nodded before laying her clipboard down assessing Colonel O'Neill silently before inviting him into her office. Once inside she urged him to sit as she dived in, "So Colonel tell me what's on your mind."

Jack paused for a moment collecting his thoughts caught between wanting to leave and needing to remain. He sighed loudly before stumbling over the right words to say, "What, uh...well, why...? Um, is it...?"

Noticing that he had something important to ask her and seeing that he was struggling to voice it she urged, "Colonel I want you to relax and take a deep breath."

She smiled as he complied with her soft command continuing, "Good. Good. Now tell me what's bothering you."

He glanced at her briefly before down casting his eyes answering her question with a name, "Daniel."

Janet nodded understanding why Jack seemed so distracted and was struggling with speaking to her. She continued to keep her tone warm as she softly inquired, "Daniel? Daniel is bothering you? What about him has you so upset?"

"Well he's not bothering me...not really."

"I see."

Jack huffed loudly before continuing needing to speak and knowing that if he hesitated much longer he'd lose his nerve to ask the questions he so desperately needed answers to, "I've been having these...impulses, um feelings really..."

Janet nodded her head encouraging him to continue, "What kind of feelings?"

He leveled his gaze with hers as he simply answered, "Violent impulses, violent thoughts about...about Daniel and, and him...Osiris and... I don't, I mean are these...? Is there..."

She knew what he was asking and provided his answer before he finished his question, "No, there's nothing wrong with you, Colonel."

Instead of seeing relief as she'd hoped she only saw him growing more disheartened as he uttered a drawn out, "Right..."

Sensing he wanted to talk more and was having difficulty believing there was nothing wrong with him she gently prodded, "You say you've been having violent impulses and thoughts. Like what? Tell me about them."

He lowered his eyes in shame as he admitted, "Just, they're just images really of, of me doing...things to him and...and them."

"Of you doing things to Daniel?"

He nodded and Janet reached out placing her hand over top of Jack's as she continued in a softer tone of voice, "Tell me about them."

He glanced nervously at her before turning his focus to her hand now covering his own noticing how small and dainty it was before finding the answer to her disturbing inquiry, "Well I... I do these horrible things to...to him and, and I... Never...never mind."

"Jack, tell me about them. What do you do? What do you say?"

"I...I, uh, um, well... I want to hurt him and I...I... I can't. I can't do this."

She nodded in understanding but refused to back down just yet, "You harm him in your thoughts?"

"Yes."

"Enough to injure him?"

He answered without hesitation, "Yes."

She nodded before continuing, "Injure him how? How severely?"

"Oh pretty damned badly, Jan... Look I don't...I don't understand why I have them. I mean Daniel... I would never hurt him, ever yet in these thoughts I... I do."

"Perhaps you're angry with him."

"Angry with him? For what reason?"

She decided to pursue those questions by taking a slightly different approach, "How are things between the two of you, Jack?"

He jerked his gaze up caught off guard by her question so disturbed by it that he answered without thought, "He...he's different but..."

"Different? How?"

"Well I don't know exactly. He...he doesn't want to talk about things; doesn't like to be touched...he's very emotional. He has nightmares all the time. He...he's different, you know."

"I would be concerned if he weren't, Jack. He's dealing with a lot of issues. He's probably very confused and very uncertain right now. He's scared Jack and he doesn't know how to deal with it."

"Exactly so why do I want to hurt him so damned badly?"

"You're angry and hurt too. You see him daily. You see what the abduction has done to him, what Osiris has done to him and you're trying to help him, but he doesn't seem to be getting any better. Perhaps you feel anger towards Osiris for what he's done to Daniel and you are misdirecting that anger towards him since Osiris is out of reach..."

"What? No, no... Janet in the thoughts I, I strike him. I yell at him. I shake him. Hell, I even...attack him physically. I...I can't... I don't like those thoughts and I don't know how to stop them. They creep up at the most inopportune times and I just... I can't block them or forget them and that's not all... I can't even begin to count the number of times I have wanted to chase down Osiris and beat the shit out of him or break his goddamned neck for what he did to Daniel. I just feel so, so angry and frustrated and...pissed off. I just...I want to lash out and I... I hate those thoughts, Jan; I hate them. Isn't there any way to stop them or make them go away? Some thing to help me deal with them?"

"Unfortunately these feelings are surfacing because of a sense of inadequacy and uncertainty. You're scared, whether you want to admit it or not. You love him, yet you can't seem to do anything right. You try to help, you try to understand but Daniel makes things very difficult... It's not his fault Jack. None of this is anyone's fault but Osiris'. Daniel was missing for a year. We heard very little about him during that time, and Daniel himself isn't very forthcoming with information. He's holding everything inside. He's afraid to share things because he doesn't want us to hate and despise him. He doesn't want us to condemn him or leave him, and he is so afraid that if he reveals anything to us that is exactly what we will do to him."

"Yeah that's kind of what our issue was last night. He...I kissed him and he started responding then...then he begged to be...made love to, but it wasn't me he was begging it was..."

"Osiris."

"Yeah... He had another nightmare too. Ran into the bathroom...I was angry, thinking crazy things: that he had enjoyed doing it with Osiris, that he had craved it, needed it...crazy, crazy things Jan. I left...went downstairs to think. He exited the shower to find me...gone. He panicked, thought I had...that I had...abandoned him."

"He's been stripped of everything, Jack. He's justified in his fears. You have to learn to expect that and to be able to remain to help him through it all. He's relying on you for everything. He's just too afraid to ask you for what he needs."

"So what can I do for him?"

"Just what I said before...love him, care for him, listen to him and support him... That's all you can do, all any of us can do. You must be patient and take things slowly. The thoughts you are having are normal. In your mind you may hurt him, but not in reality. I can give you some tapes and books on meditation. They may help you with your troubling thoughts. They may help Daniel too. Remember also that you can call me at anytime. Sometimes talking about disturbing thoughts helps too."

"Okay, Jan...uh, thank...thank you."

"Anytime... Colonel how is Daniel today?"

"He's acting like his old self. It's strange."

"He said he had an...episode last night."

Jack hung his head as he quietly admitted, "Yeah."

Janet quickly reassured him by informing him, "You helped him a lot you know. You were there for him when he needed you and that means the world to him."

Jack lifted his gaze feeling a little bit better as he inquired, "Did he say...?"

She nodded smiling as she answered, "He said he couldn't have done it alone. He didn't really go into details, but he inferred that you helped him a lot, so whether you see it or not you are helping Daniel."

Jack smiled for the first time since entering her office as he again replied, "Thanks Janet. I needed to hear that."

"Anytime."

He felt much better than he did when he had entered the infirmary and hearing that Daniel had said he had helped last night, though the admission hadn't come directly from him, put Jack's mind at ease and made him feel calmer than he had in a while. He focused on her as he informed, "I had better get back to work. I just wanted to..."

"Stop by anytime. My door is always open...to you and Daniel."

"All right. I'll do that."

She smiled and nodded watching him as he stood up then left her office happy that she had been able to help put his mind at ease. She remained in her office for several more minutes before returning to the infirmary to again check on her patients.

STRIVING FOR NORMALCY

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