Daniel Jackson

Personal Sacrifice Part 18

By: Stacy L.

TO LOVE AND TO HONOR

In Good Times and Bad

One Week Later...

Jack opened his eyes and listened wondering what brought him awake. He stared at the ceiling momentarily confused, trying to figure out what was so different at the moment. It was then that he felt the movement on the bed, the thrashing about followed by soft murmurs of no, please and forgive me escaping from the soft lips he knew so well. In the next instant he felt the tender hands that belonged to that anguished voice grabbing for him and wrapping firmly about him, felt that head suddenly burrow in against him and that warm body curling up against him as his lover continued to whimper and plead for forgiveness from some invisible ghost that just didn't seem to want to let him be. He immediately set to work trying to soothe Daniel tenderly stroking the top of his head as he softly crooned, "Shh, hush love. Sleep. I'm here for you. I'm here. Relax. Sleep. You're safe now, Daniel, you're safe. Sleep for me. Sleep."

Daniel's tormented pleas soon turned into a quiet repetition of "Jack" over and over again. His lover continued to soothe him with caresses and gentle urgings to relax and rest. Daniel's pleas then started to abruptly change into responses of, "Jack, need you. Need you Jack...I need you. Stay, please, please don't go... Need you, need you love. I need you. Jack please... Jack you have to understand! I had to...no, no, NO! JACK!"

Daniel jolted awake gasping for breath and tensing as arms suddenly tightened around him. Instantly panic crept up threatening to consume him, but as gentle words of comfort and understanding surrounded him and filled him his panic soon receded to be replaced by relief and sadness as he realized that he had woken Jack with his mutterings. He turned to Jack quickly apologizing, "Sorry, sorry Jack. I'm sorry for...for waking you. I'm sorry."

"Nonsense, Danny, nonsense."

"But I..."

"But nothing Daniel, but nothing..."

Daniel lifted his gaze to Jack's as he again muttered, "I'm really sorry Jack."

"Hey that's okay. I understand..." Jack fell silent for a few moments suddenly recalling what Osiris had told them before Daniel had been released. He has been having a lot of nightmares that have been involving two main system lords: Dionysus and Nirrti. So which one had Daniel so upset tonight? He tried to refrain from questioning Daniel on the matter not wanting to push him into silence but found that he couldn't just ignore it so he gently prodded, "So was it about Nirrti?"

Daniel suddenly stiffened and Jack was certain that he had his answer. He immediately began to run his hands lovingly up and down across Daniel's back trying to keep him calm and relaxed. He could see Daniel's Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard before inquiring, "What? Nirrti? How do you...? How do you know about her? He...he told you, didn't he...when I was... He told you. What else did he tell you, Jack?"

Jack nodded his head sensing Daniel's fear and need for answers so he quickly supplied them, "Yes he told us that you had been having difficulty sleeping, and he told us just exactly why that was. He, he was very persistent on the issue."

Daniel, not liking that answer at all, discovered he needed to know exactly what had been said so he issued the question, "What did he tell you, Jack?"

Jack gazed into his lover's soft blue eyes seeing mixed emotions there: fear, worry, nervousness, anger...panic... He knew that he needed to answer Daniel's question just to put the man's mind at ease so he did, "He told us that you'd been having dreams, nightmares of...of her and Dionysus."

At the mention of Dionysus' name Daniel immediately hissed and widened his eyes in shock. Jack didn't miss the obvious distress in that gaze, or the sudden tenseness in the man now resting atop him. Something about Dionysus scared the hell out of his lover and upset him...a lot. He knew that he would have to pursue that subject in the future, but knew enough that to do so now could cause more damage than waiting. It was obvious that his lover was not yet ready to discuss Dionysus...or Nirrti for that matter so he left the subjects drop choosing to continue to provide an answer to his question, "He told us that you were treated very well and had a highly honored status within his legion. He also said that you were well loved by his people. He wanted to make certain that I would take care of you and not harm you in any way. He was very insistent that if I couldn't accept you back into my life knowing, understanding that you sacrificed so much of yourself to appease him that he would keep you there. He mentioned that you recently had a meeting with Nirrti and that was why you were having nightmares."

Seemingly satisfied with that answer Daniel responded, "Oh...oh, okay..."

As his lover relaxed and snuggled deeper into his embrace Jack was certain that he would say no more. All he had wanted was to know what Osiris had told him. He knew that so much had happened to Daniel over the course of his captivity and he also knew that at this moment in time Daniel was very nervous about sharing anything with him. He had to be careful not to push his lover too soon or Daniel could end up shutting down and shutting him out completely, and if Daniel did that...

He pressed a kiss to the top of Daniel's head before softly urging, "Go to sleep, love. Go to sleep. We'll talk about these things at another time. We'll talk about them when you're ready to talk about them. Okay?"

"Pro...promise..."

"Yes Daniel I promise."

Daniel sighed in relief before settling further and mumbling a quiet, "Thank you, Jack...thank you."

Jack smiled as he became aware that Daniel was once again drifting off to sleep. He knew that there would come a time when Daniel would reveal things to him and that he would have to be very patient and understanding. He could tell by Daniel's responses that the time was not yet and probably would not be for quite a while so he settled for watching his lover drifting back to sleep in his arms, content to have him back in his life and curled up against him so perfectly. Soon the veil of sleep also found him and together they both drifted off to dreamland.

* * * *

As Daniel arose the next morning he forced himself to enter the bathroom and shower making certain to lock the door before doing so. As he entered the shower he recalled the nightmare he'd had last night. Nirrti, Jack had assumed the dream had been about her but it wasn't. No, not about her or even Dionysus for that matter... It had been about the devastation of a planet that had been destroyed simply to coerce him into Osiris' bed: Alandria.

God, Alandria why couldn't he put those memories to rest? Why? He was positive that Jack had heard him plea for forgiveness and apologize repetitively for what he had done to the inhabitants of that world. When Jack had said that Osiris...told him things he had wanted to know and was a bit surprised that his lord had neglected to mention that the other source of his nightmares was the planet Alandria, Athena's planet. As he thought about that he began to wonder why his lord... Why OSIRIS omitted that particular bit of information. He was certain there had been no mention made of Alandria, and he was certain that was due to the fact that his lord just couldn't admit to using such drastic measures to gain his sexual servitude for the better part of his captivity. Okay so Jack didn't know about Alandria; he probably didn't have a single clue about that planet... Well, he sure as hell wasn't about to tell him. Alandria he would keep to himself just like all the times he fucked his lord like some cheap whore and all the times that it fucked him. No, Alandria would remain his secret as would his shame and guilt over giving his body to his master nearly every night for the past...um what? How long had it been? Well for a while...

God, that was so unnerving, not knowing just how long he had truly been a servant to his lord... Damn it he wasn't his lord anymore! NO! To Osiris... Jack said a year and Janet said almost a year, so what was the correct answer? Jack said twelve months, but Janet implied that it was less than that. The truth was he had no clue himself. He had no concept of time while there. He had been denied such knowledge for so long. He was only estimating when he had told Jack it had been three months that he had gone without being outside, but was that the truth or had it been so much longer than that? He didn't know and that bothered him excessively. A year, Jack said a year but to him it felt more like five years, so who was telling the truth? Would Jack lie to him to make him feel better or was he only gone a year? It didn't matter; it had been a long time, a very long time and now he was free, free to figure out where to go from here... Where was that exactly? Where exactly was he going now? What was expected of him now? Here he was showering and preparing to go to work but...was that what was expected or...? He was so confused. He didn't know what to do so he decided to finish his shower and go to work. Once there he'd know what to do...either that or someone could tell him what to do maybe? What did one do when they lived another life, a drastically different life and were suddenly uprooted and placed in a whole new situation that wasn't really new at all but had been forgotten in order to survive each day existing elsewhere? What did one do about that?

After showering Daniel headed off to work trying to ignore his feelings of discomfort, trying to quit second-guessing himself, trying to stop those annoying questions: was he at the right place? Did he work today? Did he work here? Would anybody know him or would he be chased out? Would his ID get him into that building and if it did where should he go? Was his office still there? Was it still his office? What if he went in there and everything was... ENOUGH! God what the hell was with all the nonsense questions? What was with the paranoia all of a sudden? God was he the only one who ever felt like this? Like he didn't belong here, like he was trespassing, like he was taking on a false identity in order to find a place he would be accepted in? Was this really his life at all? And if it was his life then why did things feel so, so...wrong?

He shouldn't be here. He didn't belong here. He was a slave not a...not... Just who the hell was he anyway? Daniel Jackson, yes he was Daniel Jackson but was he an archaeologist anymore? Was he a linguist? Was he a member of SG-1? When was the last time he was called Doctor Jackson? When was the last time he had behaved like Doctor Jackson? Where was Doctor Daniel Jackson? Where was that part of himself? Was he still there inside or had he disappeared the moment Doctor Daniel Jackson became Lord Osiris' favored, Lord Osiris' whore and Lord Osiris' precious slave?

God, why was he even debating this in his mind? This, this was so, so...stupid! Did... This wasn't normal, was it? Did...was...had anyone else ever felt so separate, so different...felt as if they had been severed or cleaved in two? Was there anyone else who felt as if they had been split right down the center, no longer existing as one being but two and so bewildered because they didn't, couldn't comprehend just what that was?

As he gazed at the Cheyenne Mountain Complex he felt his fear swallowing him up. He didn't belong here! He didn't! He was a slave, Osiris' favored. He was Osiris' precious Daniel not...not him, that other man, that...not that doctor. Who was Doctor Jackson anyway? Who was he? That wasn't him because Doctor Jackson wouldn't have given up, wouldn't have given himself to his master each and every night, wouldn't have betrayed the love of his life. No Doctor Jackson wouldn't have done that because he would have fought...he would've...

Daniel lowered his head to his steering wheel as he released a choked sob to the air feeling despair grabbing at him. How had this happened? How had he become so separate from himself? How had he lost half of himself? Had he left Doctor Jackson on Bursiris or was that man still within him? Was he still Doctor Jackson or had he managed to sequester that man in order to keep him safe, guarded and protected? If he had done that, if he had then why couldn't he seem to unlock him and set him free? Why couldn't he release Doctor Jackson from that safe place he locked him in to keep him safe, pure, whole...? Why couldn't he find the key to set that man free? Why?

"Because I'm afraid to. Because I'm afraid... God...afraid, I'm... I'm actually afraid? My God what...?"

He suddenly felt better as he realized he was afraid. He was afraid not depressed, not numb...he was afraid. When was the last time he felt anything but despair? My God it's been so long. He inhaled a shaky breath trying to draw comfort to himself and as he released it he felt as if he were now ready to enter the SGC. He was ready to take the first step towards rescuing Doctor Jackson from the safe haven he had banished him to so long ago. He could do this. He could!

Feeling certain that he could do as he just said, he got out of his car and entered the mountain preparing to try to reintegrate Doctor Jackson into Osiris' precious Daniel and hopefully his mission would eventually become successful... Hopefully...

As Daniel made his way down deeper into the mountain many people welcomed him back, some smiled at him while a select few turned from him as if they were afraid of him or were feeling guilty about something. He was certain those select few were the ones who had given up on him, the ones who had believed that he was dead and no longer able to be rescued. He wanted to be angry with them for having so little faith, but all he could do was accept that to some he had been thought gone.

"Doctor Jackson we're here."

He flicked his puzzled gaze upwards as he softly questioned, "What?"

"The elevator has stopped. This is where you usually get off."

Daniel blushed furiously as he realized he had been so lost in thought that he failed to notice that he was at his destination. He quickly stuttered, "Uh, um yes...yes thank...thank you."

"You're welcome, Doctor Jackson."

He nodded as he started to exit the elevator. Halfway out the door the man called again, "Doctor Jackson?"

He turned seeing understanding and a warm smile on the sergeant's face, which prompted him to return a shy smile. The sergeant nodded before saying, "Welcome back."

"Thank...thank you."

"We're all here for you Doctor J. We're all here for you."

He nodded before turning and walking down the familiar hallway that led to Doctor Jackson's office...to HIS office.

Daniel paused outside his office door again reading the finely printed words on the gold plaque: Dr. Daniel Jackson. He stared at his name for the longest time finding it to be one of the hardest things he had ever had to do in his life. Why was it so hard to accept his full name? Why did hearing his name and seeing it stir up such disturbing feelings within? Why did it seem so hard to accept that he was Doctor Daniel Jackson and not Lord Osiris' precious slave? Why was this all so very hard for him? Why? This was so stupid, so ridiculous...yet he couldn't suppress those odd feelings even if he wanted to because they were automatic. Why was he having such a hard time accepting that he was more than just Osiris' slave? Why was he having so much difficulty with something as simple as...his own name? Why?

He started to blink excessively still staring pensively at his name plaque jerking his head up when he heard someone approaching. He refused to look at them, and quickly grabbed his doorknob, twisted it and propelled himself into his office slamming the door much louder than he had planned before falling back against it feeling his heart hammering in his chest. Oh God, God, why was he so nervous all of a sudden? Why? He closed his eyes drawing in a slow calming breath before pushing himself away from his door and approaching his desk casting a morose gaze across it.

Where to start...yes where to start... He noticed an object he had been translating sitting in the center of his desk and gazed at it for the longest time not attempting to pick it up or sit down only standing there with his eyes glued to its roughened surface. What was he doing here? He didn't belong here. This wasn't right. He shouldn't be here. Why was he even here? He clenched his eyes tightly shut hearing his haggard breathing in his ears. Why was he breathing so hard? Why did he feel so lost? Why couldn't he just sit down and work on that goddamned translation like he should be doing right now? He swallowed harder and suddenly became aware of just how difficult the simple act of swallowing now was. God he couldn't even swallow right! What the hell was the matter with him? WHAT?

As the phone rang on his desk he released a startled cry to the air feeling suddenly very, very afraid. What the hell was that noise? What...? He scrambled around on his desk searching for the source of that awful, loud ringing and growing more frustrated. Where the hell was that ringing coming from? Where? He gazed at the phone staring at it as if captivated trying to put two and two together. He knew that was the source of the disconcerting ringing, but how did he silence it? How? He began to panic when it suddenly dawned on him and as he picked the phone up feeling thoroughly stupid and inadequate he yelled into the receiver, "WHAT? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"Daniel...? Daniel?"

Immediately he dropped his head feeling himself beginning to shake when he realized that he felt so very angry. Without thought he slammed the phone down and cursed before lashing out at it and shoving it violently to the floor. Goddamn it he was so fuckin' angry! Why was he so damned angry? WHY?

He snatched a pencil off his desk and deliberately snapped it right in half still feeling so outraged that he hurled the broken pieces across his office becoming angrier when they didn't impact hard enough, so he turned back to his desk searching for something else to break stopping only when the voice from the phone said his name again.

He turned glaring at her as she watched him from his now half opened doorway. He snapped, "WHAT?"

She swallowed hard before entering his office and closing the door behind her. She then questioned, "Are you all right?"

"Does it look like I'm all right to you, Sam? Uh? No, no I'm not all right. NO! I'm, I'm..."

"What, Daniel, you're what?"

"Angry Sam. I'm so goddamned angry and you wanna know the funny thing about it? Let me tell you the funny thing about it, Sam. I don't fuckin' know why. There, you see, isn't that funny Sam? I don't know why."

"Daniel..." she slowly approached him and reached for him. Automatically Daniel cast her a frightened gaze before backing away from her and shaking his head violently no. She no longer saw the rage that seemed to have held him only a moment before. Now, now she saw fear. Fear? He was afraid...of her. She gentled her voice further as she said, "Would you... Do you want to talk about it Daniel?"

"Talk? TALK? Why does everyone want me to talk? No, no I don't want to talk about it and if I did, if I did I wouldn't! NO! God what, what is it with you, with all of you? First Janet, then Jack, now you...who's next Teal'c? Are you going to sic Teal'c on me next see if he can get me to talk too?"

"No, Daniel. No."

"Then stop asking me to talk! God, I haven't even been back a week and everyone expects me to talk? Why should I, Sam? I don't. I sure as hell don't want everyone to hear about how fuckin' thoroughly he humiliated and degraded me. I don't want everyone to know how it felt to be a fuckin' slave whom only obeyed his master! I don't want to talk about it, Sam. I don't! Why can't everyone just be happy that I'm back and leave me the hell alone? Leave me the hell alone! Is that too much to ask? Well is it?"

"No Daniel. No it isn't."

"Then leave me the fuck alone, Sam!"

"No, no. Daniel no. No I'm not leaving."

"Why? WHY?"

"Because you shouldn't be alone right now."

"I shouldn't be... What the hell is that, Sam? Are you going to boss me around now too? You want to replace my master now, Sam? Do you want me to bow to you and seek your permission before I do anything? Would you like that, Sam, because I can do that you know. I can. I can be your fuckin' slave, Sam. I'm so damned good at it! Just say the words...just say them."

"Daniel, God no. Daniel. No. Stop. Don't do this to yourself."

"Do what?"

"Stop it, Daniel. Just stop it!"

"Or what, Sam? What will you do? Uh, what will you do?"

Without words she approached Daniel, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into a comforting embrace. He at first tensed preparing to resist her but quickly the tension fled and he wrapped his arms around her. She granted him time to regain his composure before softly answering, "I'll hold you until you stop. I'll hold you when you cry. I'll hold you when you feel lost, when you just need to be held. I'll hold you until you grow tired of it then I'll hold you some more..."

Daniel didn't know how to react to those strange words or to Sam's unselfishness and understanding. He swallowed hard softly apologizing, "I'm...I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry I just... I was so angry and I couldn't...then, then I became scared and..."

"Shh, no need to explain Daniel. There's no need to explain. You can speak to me however you want and I won't go anywhere. I'm not leaving you Daniel. I'm not and neither is Jack or Teal'c or Janet. We won't leave you Daniel. We won't abandon you. You don't have to be so afraid of that happening because it won't. It won't. We're all here to help you heal. We're all here for you. You're not alone anymore, Daniel. You're not alone. You won't ever be alone again. We promise...I promise. Never again, Daniel, never again."

He closed his eyes nodding in response to her pledge to him. He still felt as if he didn't belong, as if he was in the wrong place. He knew, expected, to feel this way upon returning but never expected that feeling of alienation to wreak such havoc on his emotions and feelings...if he had any emotions or feelings left that is.

Hell, he hurt...he literally hurt not just in his back or in his legs, not just in his head or in his hands but all over. He hurt all over. His body felt as if it had impacted a truck and he couldn't make sense of it. Why did he hurt so much? Why did he feel so...so...? Why did he ache? Why did he hurt both inside and outside? Why? What was happening to him? Osiris hadn't physically harmed him other than a few bruises and scratches so why did he hurt so damned much? Why did he feel so...so...why did he feel...? Was he feeling? Was that the cause of his present pain? Was he learning to feel all over again?

He tried to think back over the past week. How had he felt in that time? Let's see...afraid, scared, nervous, frustrated, angry...but...but that wasn't all no, no he felt...he felt...happy to see Jack again, temporarily safe in the man's arms, calmer than he had in months...he... My God he actually... He was experiencing emotions that he hadn't felt in so very long... Was that why he hurt so damned much? Was his body going through a transformation of a sorts learning to feel all over again or was he just drumming up some crazy explanation for why he hurt so damned much since the moment he stepped through that gate on Bursiris and entered the embarkation room?

Why did he hurt so much? Why did his body ache? Why? He forced those questions to the back of his mind not having the strength to even consider answers to them. His mind was full of so many unanswered questions, and he just didn't have the energy to face them or analyze them for that matter so he forced his attention back on her, on the woman who was holding him close against her allowing himself to accept the comfort she was offering.

As she again assured him that she was here for him he lowered his head to her shoulder tightening his grip on her as he allowed her strength and concern to seep into his aching bones.

As they stood there in the silence he became physically aware of her firm round breasts pressed against him and her soft hair tickling the side of his face. He became aware of her delicate hands and the way she felt against him and...oh God, God NO!

He suddenly felt panicky and couldn't make sense of the sudden onslaught of the very powerful emotion. He automatically tried to pull from her nearly screaming as she tightened her hold on him. As her hands began rubbing his back soothingly he could handle her closeness no longer and quickly shoved her away shouting, "Oh God no, NO! Please stop it! STOP!"

The instant he was free of her hold he wrapped his own arms tightly around his body staring in horror at her. Praying that she would maintain her distance and not draw any closer or he would probably scream. He stared at her wide-eyed trying to force his now haggard breathing to slow down and trying to calm himself in some way.

Sam felt Daniel relaxing against her and smiled softly glad that he was willingly accepting her offer of comfort and feeling as if she were doing something for him after all, but the moment he tried to pull from her she panicked feeling suddenly as if he were being taken from them all over again and she wasn't yet ready to yield her hold on him. She shouted an instant denial in her head yelling that Osiris couldn't have him back that he belonged here and here he would stay. She could feel his loss so completely that she gasped and reacted by tightening her own grip on him. She became instantly aware that he was fighting her and trying to pull from her and as she gazed into his eyes and saw the terror there she released him feeling her heart breaking in two as he retreated to the far side of the room, wrapped his arms around himself and proceeded to begin pacing back and forth like a caged animal in fear for its life. She swallowed hard aware that she was responsible for putting the fright into him and knew that she had to calm him.

She continued to watch his anxious pacing and quickly set to work soothing him again, "Daniel...Daniel. Daniel you're all right. You're all right. Talk to me. Talk to me Daniel. Please. Please Daniel. Please talk to me."

"No, no, no, no... No, Sarah, no...you'll tell him. You will, you will and...and...no, no...no."

Sam gasped when he referred to her as Sarah and realized almost instantly just why he was behaving as he now was. He was having a flashback. Something about the last few moments sent his mind back in time to another memory. A memory of a woman who from the way he spoke about her had allowed Osiris to harm him. Had Sarah been conscious and aware the entire time? Had she willingly allowed Osiris to hurt Daniel and to use...oh God, oh God no. No. Surely she wouldn't have... NO! But the longer she watched her friend and listened to his mutterings the more certain she became that there was some truth to her thoughts and if Sarah...if she had truly been aware and Daniel had known that she was... God, he had probably felt so betrayed by her. Hadn't Daniel at one time loved her? To be betrayed by someone he had at one time loved and had loved him in return...to have the knowledge that she was there while Osiris did...things to him but failed to intercede... God, no wonder Daniel had resisted her. No wonder he seemed so confused and so upset by what had just happened. If Sarah had... God the things Daniel must have suffered. Not only had he been used by Osiris, but he had been betrayed by Sarah...by a woman he had at one time loved and cared about.

Oh God Daniel how can I help you through this? How can help you?

"Daniel how can I help you through this?"

Daniel paused in his pacing casting her a confused look as he softly prodded, "What? What?"

"Daniel..."

He cocked his head to the side as if he were just now realizing that he wasn't alone and that she was with him. As he spoke her name she was certain that he had momentarily forgotten that he wasn't alone, "Sam...Sam why are you...? I...I... Um, how long have you been...?"

"Don't you remember...?"

"Remember? Remember what? Sam I don't...I don't feel so good. Maybe, maybe I should go home..."

"Wait, Daniel what just happened? Tell me what is happening with you. Please."

He shook his head feeling suddenly afraid and puzzled. He felt as if he had missed something and couldn't explain why he felt that way. He shook his head as he gazed into Sam's eyes and attempted to offer an answer...but he didn't know what to say to her so he settled for shrugging his shoulders instead. Why did he feel like he, like he... What just happened? Had he blacked out or...? Why couldn't he remember? He questioned, "Um how long have you been...been...here?"

"How long? Daniel... A...a few minutes..."

"And I..."

He shook his head as he remembered suddenly holding her and then, and then...? He shook his head as he continued, "I...I panicked didn't I? I...that's why I can't remember you coming in here...I panicked again..."

"Again Daniel?"

He only nodded before providing more of an answer, "I... My Lord mentioned that there were times when I...when he could sense that I wasn't all...there. There were times that he said I seemed distracted almost like...like I just blanked out for a moment or two. I thought he was full of shit, but I guess...I guess he wasn't. I'm sorry Sam. I hope I didn't scare you. I really didn't mean to..."

"No, no you didn't..."

"Good. I'm glad."

She allowed the silence to stretch between them for several long moments before inquiring, "Daniel, have you...have you told Janet about these...blackouts?"

"Janet? No, no. Why would I tell...? No."

She nodded as she continued "You do know that they're a symptom Daniel an indicator."

"Of what?"

"Trauma."

"Trauma? No, no look Sam I'm fine. Really I am. I... Can I please get back to work? I want to get back to work. I just want to sit here and...and translate."

She frowned when he refused to see what she was trying to tell him. She knew what he was experiencing, well she had a fair idea but he wasn't listening to her. He was doing what he always did...acting as if he were fine. Why did Daniel always resort to...?

She shook her head as she suddenly realized that she couldn't say that because she didn't know how he dealt with things now. He had been gone a year and a lot could change in a year. A lot...including the ways someone coped with stress or stressful situations. She had to get to know Daniel Jackson all over again, for he although was the same person he had been a year ago he was now permanently altered by his captivity, and by the things he had been forced to do as a slave. She had to get to know him all over again just like he had to get to know himself again.

She shook her head, saddened by how much of an effect abduction could have on someone, and angry that Osiris had carelessly uprooted her friend and changed him into something he wasn't. It was so damned unfair! So damned unfair! She gazed at him deciding to give him time to himself. She would have to talk to Janet. She wanted to learn how best she could help her friend through the healing process and after the reactions she had witnessed in the last few moments she was now certain that Daniel was in dire need of help to heal himself and move on with his life...

* * * *

Daniel decided to leave the mountain early finding that he wasn't really accomplishing all that much to begin with, so he left and returned home deciding to wait for Jack...wait for Jack? Boy did that ever seem odd to his ears, especially since he had pretty much accepted that he would be with Osiris for the rest of his life. In the past month he had surrendered allowing himself to accept that his life was no longer his own but controlled by another. His fate was someone else's to decide.

After surrendering, after accepting his new life things became so much easier for him to bear. Everything became so much easier because he succeeded in numbing himself completely, only feeling emotion when Osiris made love to him. He had all but given up on any chance of a rescue. He had been forgotten and left behind, abandoned to a fate worse than death...the fate of an indentured slave. He decided that resistance was futile because he would never be free again, so he gave himself over to his lord and embraced his new life as Osiris' precious Daniel, determined to silence that other man, Doctor Jackson for good.

He belonged to Osiris and no other, though his heart, his soul, and his love were permanently severed from his body now imprisoned with a man he loved beyond all others. A man he would probably never see again and as he surrendered to Osiris thrusting upwards to meet his powerful thrusts, clutching him so desperately to him while pleading to be fucked faster and to climax for his master's pleasure he had sent a silent prayer into the heavens that Jack O'Neill would somehow find a way to forgive him for finally accepting his new life, for embracing his new title and truly becoming Osiris' personal slave and attendant. He sent a prayer to the heavens that Jack O'Neill would keep his heart, his love, his soul safe and would cherish those last gifts he had to offer for though he had surrendered to Osiris and became what Osiris had demanded, expected and yearned for those were the things he would never give up. As a result he was now cleaved in two trying desperately to collect the shattered remnants of one Doctor Daniel Jackson and fuse them back into the being, the creature now known as Osiris' precious Daniel.

He silenced those thoughts feeling suddenly helpless and afraid. He could feel a migraine beginning, could feel his stomach cramping and twisting in his gut. He could feel the pain that seemed to stalk his every move and as his arms began to tingle and his legs began to grow numb he knew he had to distract himself. When pain entered his chest he became worried tensing as he felt as if he were suddenly in danger. He then began pacing and wringing his hands together.

He had to do something. He had to do something, anything... He couldn't stand still and he felt extremely fidgety. He had to do something, something...but what?

As his eyes raked over the sink he nodded. He knew what he could do. The dishes...they needed washed. He could do the dishes.

Without a second thought he set to work gathering the dishes up and filling the sink with water. Once he had all the dishes that needed washing beside him he began the laborious task, keeping his mind occupied while he waited for Jack to return home.

* * * *

Jack headed home a little worried about Daniel. Carter had said he had an "episode" in his office earlier and he wanted to make certain that Daniel was all right. Once at the house he felt relieved to see Daniel's vehicle parked in the driveway. Thank God he had made it home.

He then proceeded to approach the house trying to dampen down his fear and anxiousness, uncertain of just what he would see when he found Daniel. He drew in a calming breath before entering the house and softly calling Daniel's name. When no response came to him he listened hearing a soft humming on the air. The humming sounded sad, almost eerie. He could hear despair in that tune and felt his heart leap into his throat as the realization of just who must be humming sank in. As he listened to the haunting, eerie melody he could feel chills climbing his spine... Daniel, God it was Daniel. Daniel was humming like that, humming as if he were mourning or weeping. God!

He forced his legs to move following the sound to its source, only pausing to stare dumbfounded when he saw his lover standing at the sink, back turned to him, a stack of dishes gathered beside him not yet washed while on the other side a stack of obviously clean dishes was accumulating. He watched the man in silence listening to that creepy humming and watching those hands he knew so well scrubbing a bowl before rinsing it. He stood like that for several long moments just watching Daniel's actions before drawing nearer to him and gently prodding, "Daniel what are you doing?"

The younger man glanced up at him smiling briefly before turning back to the sink and continuing the task he had started. He quickly answered, "What does it look like I'm doing, Jack? I'm washing dishes."

Jack cocked his head to the side raising his eyebrows in mock surprise saying, "Yeah I see that."

"So how was work?"

How was work? What the hell? He shook his head as he further inquired, "Daniel, are you washing all the dishes?"

"Yep. How was work, Jack?"

"All of them Daniel?"

"Yes all of them. Didn't I answer that question already? So how was..."

The excitement in Daniel's voice disturbed him and he suddenly realized his lover was a bit...hyper. He decided to stop Daniel's task by saying, "Daniel they all don't need to be washed." But Daniel kept right on talking not even taking a breath in between words, "Sure they do Jack. I mean just think about it. When was the last time...?"

"Daniel you don't have to wash ALL the dishes."

Daniel stopped for a moment looking at Jack as if perplexed before shrugging his shoulders and answering, "I was in the mood to clean."

"You were in the mood?"

Daniel offered him a brilliant smile before continuing, "Yes... Will you tell me how work went Jack, or did something happen that you're trying to avoid?"

"What?"

Daniel paused midway through scrubbing a dinner plate waiting for Jack's answer. Jack just continued to watch him a bit confused as to why his lover was washing ALL the dishes in the entire house. When Daniel suddenly stopped he realized the man was still waiting for an answer so he quickly provided one, "Fine, same as always..."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

As Daniel finished washing the plate he put down the washcloth and picked up another one setting to work on drying the dishes he had just washed.

Jack shook his head feeling somewhat concerned about Daniel's odd behavior. The young man seemed so fidgety. He seemed to be bouncing from one foot to the other behaving as if he were hyperactive and unable to use any self-control. He watched in awe as Daniel moved from drying the dishes to wiping out the cupboards before stacking them back in their proper places and then resumed washing the remaining cookware. He became so wrapped up in just watching Daniel moving as if he were in overdrive that he failed to realize that when his lover started to sweep the kitchen floor with just as much fervor as he had washed the dishes, half an hour had passed.

He didn't know how to even begin to react as Daniel jumped from one task to the next bounding about with an unfathomable amount of energy. He moved as if he were in high gear not missing a single beat as he continued the same routine for the rest of the evening. By 8pm Jack was ready to write out a prescription for Adderall and Cylert for Daniel and some Prozac and Depakote for himself.

He lifted his gaze when his thoughts were disrupted by a still hyperactive Daniel singing way off key to "Love Shack" by the B52's. Oh, Lord, help us! When the hell would the man's overabundance of energy finally give out?

"Daniel? DANIEL!"

"Yes Jack?"

"Could you please keep it down...?"

"Oh Jack, Jack, Jack am I disturbing you? So sorry, so sorry, truly I am. I just... I can't sit still. I...I..." offering him an impish grin Daniel continued, "Sorry Jack," before picking up the chorus right where he left off and returning to dusting every goddamned thing in the living room. SHIT!

By 9pm Jack was almost screaming and prepared to flee the damned house when Daniel suddenly fell deathly quiet and ceased moving about so vigorously. He tensed as unexpected fear traveled through him and he could feel his throat closing spastically. Daniel's hyperactivity had been nerve-wracking enough, but the sudden silence...

He turned calling in a strained voice, "Daniel? Daniel, are you all right?"

He caught sight of his lover standing by the stairway gazing fixedly at the bookshelf with an unexplainable expression crossing his facial features. As Daniel suddenly lifted an object into his hand he swallowed convulsively before offering a lame explanation, "Uh, um, yeah about that..."

Without looking up Daniel held the item in his hand transfixed feeling a vast array of emotions swirling within before he whispered, "You...you kept this? Wh...why? Why Jack?"

Jack sighed heavily suddenly wanting that hyperactive Daniel back but knowing, sensing he was gone...at least for the moment. He approached Daniel drawing up behind him, pressing his chest up against his back and leaning forward before placing his hands on either side of his lover's hips and glancing at the item Daniel now seemed to be clutching.

Daniel unconsciously leaned back against him insinuating his body perfectly against his own before asking again, "Why Jack?"

"I, I...I couldn't... I couldn't make myself put it away... Um, there's a lot of...things I couldn't put away."

"Such as?"

"Books you had been reading before...before... Coffee mug, your favorite coffee mug... Um, magazines...your toothbrush... Your watch just...just things I...I couldn't... I needed them with me."

"Things Jack? Why?"

"I tried to...tried to put them away but it just felt so...so wrong. You weren't... I couldn't do that to you, Dan. This house, this house was so big, so cold without you and I just... I couldn't bear the thought..."

"You couldn't bear the thought? Of...of what Jack?"

He sighed softly before answering truthfully, "Of living without you."

Daniel inhaled a shaky breath before nervously flicking his tongue out across his bottom lip and blinking back the sudden mist that seemed to be filling his eyes. He didn't know how to react or even what to say and ended up stuttering, "You...you, you...you couldn't? You...you missed me, Jack? You..."

"Yes I did...a lot. God Daniel so much...I need you so much. I... I couldn't... It just wasn't right."

He sniffed before relaxing as Jack's arms encircled him from behind shivering as Jack's soft warm moist lips pressed to the side of his throat before he whispered, "Missed you so much, Danny, so damned much."

Daniel moaned as he allowed himself to feel the warmth of those lips, the strength in those arms and the heat in that body. He smiled softly before dropping his head lightly back against Jack's shoulder muttering a soft, "Thank you Jack," before his last reserves of strength gave out and he collapsed against his lover, falling deeply asleep as a result of his frantic excursions throughout the evening.

Jack panicked when Daniel suddenly went lax against him, but as he calmed himself and carefully examined his lover's face, listened to his breathing and heard the man sighing in his arms a smile stretched across his lips as he realized that Daniel was finally exhausted.

Jack eased the book out of Daniel's hand and sat it back where it had been before scooping the languid form of his lover up into his arms bracing him about the back and knees as he carried him upstairs and settled him in their bed, taking great care and patience with removing Daniel's clothes and making him as comfortable as possible. Once he was satisfied he slid under the covers and drew the now softly snoring Daniel Jackson into his arms and held him close pressing several kisses to his lover's precious face before whispering a soft "good night" and an "I love you" to him.

He awoke several hours later as the sound of moaning permeated his sleep-clogged brain. As that moan was followed quickly by a whimper he turned to the source of that tormented cry noticing that his lover was once again tossing restlessly about. Daniel, shit he was having another bad dream! Shit! He automatically reached over to gently stroke the face of the man he loved so completely hoping to soothe his fitful partner in some way, tensing when Daniel responded to the touch with a desperate plea of 'please don't touch me' before lapsing into a mantra of no. He closed his eyes shaking his head in frustration and worry. God why, why couldn't he have a night of peaceful rest? Why? He had hoped that Daniel's momentary hyperness would have tired him out so completely that he wouldn't dream, but as Daniel twisted onto his right side still pleading for his lord not to touch him again he set out on a mission to calm the man and keep him asleep.

He began to softly croon to Daniel, stroking his hair to ease his discomfort and feeling anger building as Daniel continued to plead with his lord not to make him do things. He knew what Daniel's pleas implied and suspected that sexual servitude must've been a big part of his captivity. Trying to dampen the rage those thoughts evoked within him Jack focused once again on his lover's face. He continued to speak to Daniel in soothing tones hushing him and assuring him that he was all right, that he was safe. He relaxed when Daniel finally started to show indications that he was calming again and felt relieved to know that he had helped his lover in some way. As Daniel settled he wrapped his arms around him then leaned down to brush his lips with his own, receiving a soft sigh of pleasure in response along with a nice warm hand being placed onto his right shoulder as Daniel burrowed in against him. He pressed another kiss to Daniel's forehead relaxing further as Daniel's pleas fell completely silent and sleep again claimed him. Thank God. Thank heavens he was able to keep Daniel asleep and the dreams didn't disturb his rest as much as they could have. Thank God.

As he held Daniel in his arms Jack thought over all that Janet had said to him the other day. She wanted him to go see a friend of hers. She had made the suggestion to Daniel adding that if he didn't meet with her at least once then she would be forced to place him on stand-down. She said that Daniel had agreed to do as she requested but was unsure as to whether or not he would be able to do so on his own. He decided that talking to her just might be what Daniel needed. He would speak to him in the morning and see if he could encourage Daniel to speak with her. Though his lover had only been back for a few days he felt certain in his gut that this woman could possibly help him in some way. He, also, knew that he would have to be careful in his approach because Daniel would no doubt become enraged with him for making the suggestion in the first place. If he could urge Daniel to make the move to meet with this woman then she just might be able to help him start to heal.

He allowed himself to start settling when Daniel's even breathing filled the room. He gazed at the man who now had his head placed directly over his heart and smiled. Daniel would be all right for now. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully once again and he knew that the sound of his heartbeat was always soothing to Daniel. His work for the moment was done. He could go back to sleep now. He smiled as he closed his eyes and allowed the veil of sleep to once again descend around him.

* * * *

Jack awoke early the next morning seeing Daniel watching him with wide-eyed wonder and felt a sudden urge to topple that man onto his back and worship his body from head to toe before making slow passionate love to him all morning long. He swallowed hard as he silenced those thoughts. It was way too soon. Daniel was definitely NOT ready for sex. Oh no. Those thoughts would have to be put on hold because he was certain that the last thing on Daniel's mind right now was getting laid so he chose instead to smile at Daniel before inquiring, "Daniel, what are you doing?"

Daniel remained silent. The only indication that he was listening was the slightest cocking of his head and the hand that reached for his face only to hover a scant inch from his right cheek. He could see Daniel's internal struggle and it saddened him. Daniel wanted to touch him, but he was still so afraid. He was probably afraid that none of this was real. He was quick to comfort, "I'm real Danny. I'm real. Go ahead. You can touch me. I'm real. I'm not going anywhere. I'm real. Touch..."

He held his breath hoping that Daniel would take the initiative to do so, certain that Daniel was probably frozen in indecision knowing that it would break his heart if he reached out only to grasp empty air. He silently urged Daniel on, smiling when the younger man made the attempt. He felt the faintest of brushes across his cheek as Daniel grazed his skin with his fingertips releasing a shaky breath to the air. He watched Daniel intently waiting for his next move. As a soft shy smile broke out across Daniel's face he felt euphoric. Daniel then broke the silence by saying, "I'm...I'm glad you're here, Jack."

"Yes I'm here. I'm real and I'm not leaving."

"I...I thought it was her, uh him...it again. I...I was so afraid to open my eyes. Afraid...afraid she'd...it would..."

He shook his head silencing his confession and gazing at Jack expectantly. Jack slowly lifted a hand up to cup Daniel's face in his palm as he gently prodded, "Did you have to sleep in the same bed?"

Daniel froze and stared at Jack not certain what to do. He felt panic surging through him in response to the question and quickly shook his head before turning to gaze at the wall. He remained silent as he drew his arms around himself protectively and began to rock ever so slightly. He stayed like that for several long minutes before answering, "I...I don't want to discuss this, Jack. I don't. Please, please don't ask me. I'm... Please."

"Daniel? Daniel, look at me. Daniel."

He slowly turned to gaze at Jack afraid of what he might say or do. Jack reached up gently cupping Daniel's left cheek as he urged him to focus on him. Daniel made eye contact briefly before casting his eyes to the floor. They sat like that for several minutes before Jack suggested, "Maybe...maybe we should go meet Janet's friend. What do you say Daniel?"

He jerked his head up to stare at Jack asking, "What? What are you...? What...she told you? She told you? Why? She..."

"Daniel, relax. All she told me was to make certain you visit her, talk to her...just meet her. That's all, that's all Daniel..."

"That's, that's, that's it? Nothing else?"

"No."

"Did she tell you why?"

"All she said was that you needed to visit her and if you didn't you'll be placed on stand-down... In fact, you shouldn't even be at work until you do as Janet said but for some reason she's making an exception."

Daniel forced a grin as he attempted to joke, "Oh you know me, Jack..."

"Yes I do and I know that she may be able to help you."

Daniel fell silent and focused on the floor again no longer gripping his arms around himself. Now he was wringing his hands together in his lap, a nervous habit that Jack had only observed a few times in the past. He watched those hands wringing together before continuing, "Daniel, I think you should at least meet with her. I'll go with you, if you'd like..."

Again that head came up as Daniel moved his mouth as if to say something fishing for words that didn't seem to want to come before asking, "Did she tell you what her friend specializes in Jack? You might not want to come. You might... She...she isn't going to be discussing the weather, Jack."

"I know that Daniel. I know that."

"And you still want to come knowing she's a...a...one of those people?"

"One of those people? She's a counselor Daniel, a psychologist..."

"Of...of... Jack I can't ask you to do that."

"Daniel, I want to go with you, be there for you. I want to help you. Please let me help you, Daniel. Please."

"I've been alone a long time Jack having to rely on just myself and occasionally Zeenan or My'la to help keep me sane. I want to let you help me, but it's very difficult for me Jack, very difficult."

Jack tried to ignore the sudden intense jealousy and anger that filled him upon the mention of Zeenan and forced himself to focus on what Daniel actually said. They were the only other two that could help keep him sane? God did that mean... "Who's My'la?"

"Who's...what...?"

"My'la, who's My'la?"

"She was a slave, like me. She...she prepared me each morning for my lord...trained me to use my voice in... Why Jack?"

She trained him to use his voice? She prepared him? She was a slave like...like him? God that sounded so wrong! His Danny was no slave! He shook his head disturbed by the things Daniel just said. He quickly silenced those thoughts continuing, "You never mentioned her. I never saw..."

"She was there Jack in the throne room right before...before we left. She was standing beside our lord...Osiris, she was standing beside Osiris."

"Oh the one that..."

"Looked sort of like Sha're...? Same hair, same skin tone...thought that from the first day I met her. She reminded me of Sha're and that helped, that helped. Zeenan, Zeenan reminded me of Teal'c. They both helped me a lot Jack. Without them, without them... I don't know what I'd be like if they hadn't been there. Actually I don't want to even think about it. Let's not think about...about that okay?"

"Okay Daniel. Okay."

Daniel offered him a shaky smile before slowly rising out of bed determined to get ready for work. Jack stopped him by gently grasping his hand causing Daniel to gasp and freeze in place casting a fearful glance his way. Fear of touch that's what he was seeing now. He noticed Daniel swallowing convulsively and sensed that he wanted to jerk away, but was making himself accept the touch. When Daniel offered him another weak smile he remained quiet a few seconds more before speaking in a soft tone, "Daniel you will speak with Janet's friend, won't you?"

Daniel held his steady gaze longer trying to dampen down his need to jerk from Jack's gentle touch. God he was afraid, so afraid, but why? As soon as Jack touched him it was as if a jolt of panic traveled his body making him so damned scared. What was he afraid of? Jack would never ever hurt him, so why was his heart now pounding so furiously in his chest? Why did he feel as if he needed to flee or fight to protect and defend himself? Why?

Determined not to accept the panic without a fight he made himself accept the touch that seemed to be the source of his newfound anxiety. He gazed at Jack seeing a mix of concern and worry in the depths of those dark eyes and forced himself to hold that gaze. As Jack spoke he noticed it was a struggle to make sense of the words eliciting from his lover's mouth. After several moments of struggling with comprehension he nodded replying, "Yes Jack...yes I...I will just not...not today. It's too... I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet."

"Okay that's understandable. We'll wait but Daniel..."

"Yes?"

“You will probably never feel ready to meet with her, but you have to sometime."

"I...I know Jack. I know... I'm going to, uh... I'm going to go shower if, if that's okay. May I shower now?"

"Daniel..."

He shifted nervously from one foot to the other and back again as he answered, "Yes Jack?"

Being careful of how he relayed the words to his lover knowing that they had the obvious potential to upset him further Jack smiled warmly providing, "You don't have to ask me for permission to bathe."

Jack watched his eyes widen in surprise as Daniel suddenly realized what he had done. Daniel nervously flicked his tongue out of his mouth dragging it across his bottom lip before commenting, "I...I didn't... Did I?"

Seeing the uncertainty and frustration in his lover's eyes he pulled Daniel's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to the palm before saying, "It's all right Daniel. It's all right. It's going to take some time to get used to no longer being...with him. It's all right. You're all right. Now go, go get your shower before we're late."

Daniel smiled before nodding his head, thanking Jack and turning to exit the room.

Jack pressed another kiss to his lover's precious hand before he released his hold and watched Daniel quietly make his way to the bathroom. He didn't move until he heard the shower clicking on then he drew to his feet and started to get ready for work himself keeping his ears tuned towards the bathroom listening for any sounds of possible distress or frustration coming from his lover and prepared to break down the damned door to get to him if he heard so much as a peep of Daniel in danger or upset.

* * * *

Later That Day...

Daniel glanced up from his desk as Teal'c entered his office and smiled as an immediate, overwhelming feeling of safety consumed him upon seeing his Jaffa friend. He asked, "What took you so long to come visit me Teal'c?"

The first thing Teal'c noticed was that Daniel seemed to actually be focused on work, a marked improvement from the last few days. He had heard Doctor Fraiser and Major Carter discussing just how easily distractible Daniel Jackson now was and made the decision to visit his young friend. As he saw Daniel busily working he very nearly turned around, but then his friend spoke and he could not ignore him, "I was unsure as to whether you would desire my company after what you have endured."

Daniel offered him a perplexed expression as he continued, "Why would you think that? Teal'c you...why would you think that?"

"Why would I not? You have endured much. It is understandable that my presence might only increase your anxiety."

"Teal'c no, no. Do you know that it was partly you who kept me alive while I was there, Teal'c? Zeenan helped me immensely..."

"Osiris' First Prime..."

"Yes. He... Do you know how he helped me?"

"I do not."

"Because he reminded me of you, Teal'c. He is a lot like you. He treated me the way you treat me...not like a slave but as his equal, Teal'c, and he offered me solace when I could find none," Daniel chuckled as he continued, "You know he was always trying to get me to meditate with him saying that I needed it... You know he was right. He performed the same rituals you do...a circle of candles all lit, sitting in the midst of them to do his Kel-no-reem. He invited me to join him in that circle like you have done in the past and...and he would get me to relax then would question me."

"About what may I ask?"

"My feelings, my emotions... He would...he'd often point out the obvious like how I learned to shut off my emotions when Osiris used my body for pleasure. How I locked my heart up for Jack. How I loved only Jack and had never willingly betrayed him...things like that and it helped, it helped me so much. I felt...safe with him like I feel, have always felt, with you."

Teal'c could feel his heart swelling in response to those simple words uttered by his friend. He loved this man before him and respected him. Daniel Jackson was part of his family and to hear, to know that he had helped him in his darkest hours meant a lot to him. Zeenan, Zeenan had reminded Daniel of him and that was why he drew so much comfort from him? Because...

Daniel interrupted his thoughts as he continued, "At first, when I first met him he made me nervous and anxious, but you know I never really feared him ever because he reminded me of you so much and knowing that helped me more than you'll ever realize. You know I used to think, while I was there, that you...spoke to me through him. Doesn't that seem strange? I know it does but that's how it felt, like you were helping me..."

He swallowed passed the lump of emotions balling up in his throat as he softly answered, "No that does not seem strange, my friend."

Daniel's smile broadened further as he gazed at Teal'c before offering, "Thank you, Teal'c. Thank you... Um, I...I did have...have a, um, a question... Would you mind...? I mean can I...um, can I...?"

"You may join me whenever you desire Daniel Jackson. The offer has always been extended towards you."

"Thank you I... Sitting with him...it really, really helped me a lot and I'm certain that...that sitting with you will do the same. In fact, I know it will."

"I was on my way to do so now, but I desired to see how you are doing. If you would like you may join me this night."

"Can I...I mean I can?"

Teal'c smiled, unable to miss the sudden excitement and relief lining Daniel's voice. He suddenly felt sad that he had waited so long to approach his young friend. He had been uncertain as to how Daniel would react to him after what he had experienced. Now he could see that Daniel had been waiting for him to visit and has probably been wanting to ask if he could join him for his Kel-no-reem since his first day back on Earth. Perhaps by again extending the invitation to Daniel he would be able to help his young friend after all.

* * * *

Together he and Daniel went to his chambers. He watched as Daniel gazed around the room seeming more calm and relaxed than he had in days. He wondered about the observation. He started to light the candles in preparation for performing Kel-no-reem when Daniel spoke, "His room was similar to this. I was very grateful to Zeenan. He offered me solace whenever I needed it. He said that if I ever wanted to I could go to his chambers. Zeenan was, is, a great friend. I miss him though. He...he used to stall Osiris when he knew I needed time to myself. His chambers became my refuge, my personal escape. In his chambers I was never bothered. I could write or just sit and think and not have to worry that my lord would come for me. He never entered Zeenan's chambers. I think he knew that I needed at least one place I could go to where I could truly be free from his watchful eye. Zeenan, Zeenan would often check on me to make certain that I was all right and to reassure me that I would not be disturbed. I found a safe haven in my otherwise chaotic world provided by Osiris' First Prime whose heart was as big as yours, my friend, and that made all the difference for without him, without Zeenan there to listen to me, to offer me advice, to help me relax and stay in touch with whom I once was I...I believe I would be even more shattered than I already am."

"He was a good friend."

"As are you, Teal'c. As are you."

Teal'c nodded his head before lighting the final candle and offering Daniel his hand. Daniel accepted the hand still smiling as Teal'c led him to the center of the circle of candles and together they lowered to the floor sitting facing each other. They both remained silent focusing on the sights and sounds around them before Daniel spoke in a low voice, "He taught me to listen to the sounds around me, not just the obvious sounds but the ones underneath all other sounds..."

"The beating of your heart, the sound of your breathing, the sound of the flames upon the candles..."

"Yes."

"This is how Jaffa begin Kel-no-reem. We must first attune ourselves to the environment in which we reside before we can begin our meditation..."

"It was amazing, Teal'c. It actually worked for me..."

"This I am glad to hear Daniel Jackson."

Daniel nodded as he continued to listen to the sounds around him noticing the faint nuances and rhythms that resounded within Teal'c's personal chambers. Once he settled and calmed further he began to talk again, "He would allow me to speak to him when I felt ready to do so."

Teal'c smiled as he softly questioned, "Do you wish to speak now?"

"Yes."

"Then please feel free to do so."

"Teal'c I don't want to burden you with..."

"Do not believe you will burden me. I should like to hear what you have need to say, my friend. Please do not fear speaking to me."

"You see that's just it. I don't fear speaking to you. I fear speaking to Jack and I want... I need to speak...to someone."

"But you do not yet feel safe with him? You are unsure of your self, of how well he will accept you after what has happened to you."

"Yes."

"Do not fear for he loves you."

"I'm not so sure he can love what's left of me Teal'c..."

Teal'c opened his eyes focusing on Daniel noticing his eyes were closed and that he seemed relaxed, calm, momentarily at peace. He sent a silent thank you to the heavens and to Zeenan for taking the time to teach his friend how to meditate and for giving him a place to feel safe. A smile lit his lips before he closed his own eyes again focusing on the sounds around him and preparing himself to begin Kel-no-reem.

As Daniel spoke Teal'c felt happy and joyful, glad that his young friend felt safe enough with him to be able to talk so freely of himself and his experiences. He sensed that Colonel O'Neill knew none of what he had just been told in a few brief moments. For some reason Daniel Jackson had selected him to speak to about his hidden thoughts, emotions and feelings. He felt privileged and honored that Daniel chose to confide in him. He listened as Daniel continued, "You know Teal'c, I..."

He fell silent once more and as seconds moved into moments Teal'c was certain that Daniel would say no more but then he spoke again, "I...I wouldn't say that I'm a religious man. I mean I didn't attend church daily or read the Bible every night...I didn't... I have never been a religious man...too much knowledge of different cultures to find which religion would be...right for me, but I'd like to believe that there is one all powerful God who has created all of this... I have to believe that there is a reason for our existence, that there's a purpose because if I don't believe that then...then I'm lost...but even believing that I'm still lost, you know. I...I'm shattered. I'm no longer the same person I was a year ago before my life became one of imprisonment. I...I need to believe that there's some reason, some purpose for why I spent a year in captivity as a slave. There has to be a reason, a purpose because if there isn't then everything...all my suffering, all my torment, all my shame and all my guilt, all of it is just so...so senseless. It's all so senseless and I can't accept that there was no reason why I went through that. There had to be...there HAS to be a reason..."

Teal'c listened to Daniel as he tried to make sense of the direction his life was now taking. He could tell that his friend was confused and upset. He wasn't only questioning himself overall, but he was questioning his beliefs and trying to make some sense out of why his life had taken such a drastic turn during the last year. He knew that Daniel was searching for answers and trying to make sense of his life, of what now remained of his life after such a lengthy captivity and he wanted to help his friend the best he could. He was determined to help Daniel through the healing process and help him to find who he once was again. For now he would just listen to him and wait offering the man time to recollect his thoughts. He knew that Daniel wanted to speak but was having difficulty getting his point across. He was determined to listen to the man and offer what advice and support he could. He was determined to help him heal completely.

‘TIL DEATH DO US PART

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