Personal Sacrifice Part 17

By: Stacy L.

THE RETURN

Living With Change

As Daniel exited the Stargate with Sam, Jack and Teal'c he felt very nervous and afraid. How would everyone react to him now? He had been gone a very long time. He had been imprisoned with Osiris and had served as his personal slave. He was certain the SGC had received reports on him. They had probably learned of his location through the Tok'ra. They knew that he had been a captive, a prisoner of a Goa'uld lord, so how would they react to him knowing he had spent so long in the company of Earth's greatest enemy? Would they treat him any differently or would he be treated the same as before? How would everyone react to his sudden appearance after such a lengthy absence?

As he walked down the ramp he felt a mix of overwhelming relief and great hesitation. He was home, finally home. He had survived...again. He studied every inch of the embarkation room trying to commit the place to memory realizing only now just how much he had missed the mountain and those he worked with on a daily basis. He smiled shyly as cheers and claps resounded through the room when his presence was known. It felt wonderful to be home and as Hammond approached him smiling and welcoming him he truly felt as if he had made it back. He was back.

It wasn't long before he caught sight of the petite doctor who was quickly at his side ordering him to the infirmary so she could examine him for injuries. As she began her quiet assessment of him he couldn't help but smile at Janet's mix of concern and relief. He quickly strove to reassure her answering her still unvoiced question, "Janet, I'm fine. I'm just glad to finally be home."

She tilted her head to the side still assessing him as she softly inquired, "Really?" while casually touching his throat and pressing a light finger to the raw skin exposed on the side of his neck. He hissed in pain but said nothing. He thought for certain his now lengthy hair would have concealed the injuries left behind by the collar but nothing seemed to escape Janet Fraiser's eye. She spoke tenderly, "Well or not, Daniel, I want you in my infirmary on the double."

He lowered his head shyly before answering, "Yes, ma'am."

After the welcome home party started to thin out in the embarkation room Janet escorted Daniel into the infirmary. She urged him to have a seat on one of the beds speaking now in her sternest business tone, "I'd like to do a full examination just make certain that you don't have any serious injuries."

"Okay."

She softened her voice as she continued, "So I'm going to need you to remove your clothes, Daniel."

He merely nodded before she added, "You can do so behind the curtain it's much more private."

Daniel nodded once again before stepping behind the curtain to undress. When finished she brought him back into the room and did a private examination. She was happy with what she was seeing. Overall, Daniel was in rather good health. He appeared strong but she wondered just how he felt on the inside. He seemed to be all right, but one could never tell with Daniel Jackson, for he was so good at keeping a shield around his emotions. When she examined his groin and buttocks she noticed several dark bruises, some old and some new in the vicinity. She knew what those bruises indicated, but she wanted Daniel to tell her what had happened so she focused on him noticing how he held his head down refusing to make eye contact for even the briefest of moments as she gently questioned, "Where did the bruising come from, Daniel?"

Daniel inhaled sharply as she questioned him about the bruises. He'd known that it would only be a matter of time before she asked. He was not very excited about providing her with the answer she sought. He was scared to death to reveal to anyone how he had allowed Osiris to use him sexually. What would she think of him after he told her his shameful secret? Would she understand or would she condemn him like he was already condemning himself for his betrayal of Jack? He knew that she wouldn't release him until she had his explanation so he tried to pull in the courage to reveal his dirty secret, "I...Janet I... I can't..."

Janet watched him closely. She could tell that the last thing Daniel wanted to do was answer her question. She hated inquiring, but she needed to know just what happened to the man. She couldn't help him if she didn't know everything that had happened during his long months of captivity. She gently urged, "Please, Daniel..."

"I..."

She was certain that Daniel wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to know. He seemed very distraught over having to even speak of those injuries. She prodded, "Daniel, did you have any sexual relations while you were with Osiris?"

Her answer came in the form of Daniel's arms rising to cross protectively over his chest as if to comfort himself. She watched him intently seeing the slight nod of his head as he gave her the answer she was seeking. She then calmed her voice and proceeded with caution knowing just how sensitive Daniel probably was about the entire issue, "I see..."

Daniel continued to stare blankly at the floor. She could tell that he was beginning to shut down and was therefore a bit surprised when the man before her began to speak, "He...he liked it rough...the...the rougher the better... I, he...I had no choice. If he desired to...I had to provide readily and...and willingly or...or he would... I'm fine, Janet, really. You have no reason to be concerned."

No reason to be concerned? What total bullshit! Daniel didn't look good at all. In fact, he looked scared, uncertain and depressed. Why did he always feel that he had to cover up his true emotions? She prepared to ask him the next question sure that she wouldn't get much of an answer, "Daniel, you were raped...weren't you?"

"No. NO! Men don't... NO!"

Janet concentrated on keeping her voice calm, soothing and supportive as she continued, "So you willingly gave yourself to him?"

"Yes..."

"You never said no?"

"I couldn't...I...to refuse would bring about so much...I couldn't..."

"Daniel, you were raped."

"NO! I'M FINE! NO! I enjoyed it...I did!"

Janet could feel her heart aching for the young man before her. He had been raped, probably a hundred times, maybe more, yet he continued to refuse to accept the fact. Instead of dealing with the rapes he was merely pushing them to the back of his mind and acting as if nothing had happened, as if he had willingly offered himself every single time and neglecting to remember that to deny Osiris would result in devastation. He had hinted at a threat that Osiris held over him but didn't reveal it...not yet anyway and she was determined to find out what that threat was for it had to have been very bad to force his hand in such a way and if the threat was that traumatic to him... She shook her head as she realized that her mind was wandering. She focused on Daniel again as she quietly questioned, "Did you?"

"Yes..."

"And afterwards?"

"I forgot..."

There it was...he forgot...he forgot afterwards. He wanted to forget because to remember the times he serviced Osiris would show to him, prove to him that he was raped and he didn't want to accept that at all. She softly said, "Daniel..."

"No. Look, we had sex...often. My Lord expected it and I...I performed to his satisfaction. It was only sex, Janet, only sex."

Janet continued to observe Daniel closely noticing how upset and anxious he now was. He said it was only sex, but she could tell that to Daniel it was more, much, much more. To Daniel having sex with another would make him believe that he had betrayed Jack O'Neill. The damage went deeper than what she was seeing in his non-verbal gestures...the damage went so much deeper, but she knew that he would conceal just how deeply he was scarred and had been affected by the months of being forced to have sex with his captor and being made to betray his lover again and again and again. Daniel always hid his true emotions, burying them deep so he didn't upset those around him. She shook her head as she continued, "I know you probably don't want to answer this but I need to know how..."

Daniel interrupted her knowing the question she was asking and wanting to tell her before he lost his nerve to continue, "We did it almost every night, several times...I was required to perform certain acts for him almost every night... Most of those acts consisted of full-blown intercourse..."

"And the bruises?"

"He liked it rough. He was into...blood sports and things like that. He liked to...experiment... Sometimes, sometimes he would get off on...on watching me struggle against him... He had a thing for...restraints...but didn't use them as often as I sensed he wanted to."

"Why?"

"Because he knew that I didn't like it. He knew that when he...when he would do that sometimes I responded...badly..."

"How badly, Daniel?"

"Uh...panic...panic attacks...or...or fear...anger...um...mainly I'd panic and I think...I think that scared him...to see me panic...so he, so he rarely used restraints to... It was sex, Janet, and I learned...I forced myself to learn to enjoy it...I forced myself to crave it...to...I learned to draw pleasure from what he did to me."

Janet swallowed hard not liking what Daniel had just revealed to her in the least. She had to force herself to block out images of Daniel in total panic straining against ropes that secured him to a bed so effectively that he was completely defenseless...and the man still refused to see that Osiris had raped him all those times? Oh Daniel, when you finally realize the truth of what happened it will tear you apart...God please let one of us be there to help him when that happens...please!

Janet forced herself to focus once again on the questions she needed to ask as she hesitantly continued, "And if you hadn't succeeded in learning to enjoy it...?"

Daniel focused on the floor as he spoke just loud enough for her to make out his words, "Then he would have succeeded in destroying me completely."

Those words tugged at her heartstrings telling her more than the entire conversation ever could. It was obvious that Daniel had been raped often and that in order to survive he made himself draw pleasure from the assaults and firmly denied that rape even entered the picture. She suggested, "Daniel, I'd like you to speak with a friend of mine..."

He glanced at her for the first time since beginning the present conversation as he spoke with certainty and conviction, "I don't need any help. I'm fine."

"Daniel, you have been MIA for a year..."

"It wasn't a year it was..."

"Close enough... Look, if you refuse to speak with my friend then I'll have no choice but to..."

"Have the General place me on stand down?"

"Yes."

"Oh...okay, but I don't need any help. I'm fine. I'm fine, Janet. I'm me..."

Janet continued to cast a worry-filled glance his way knowing that he was anything but fine. She decided that Daniel needed just a slight nudge to accept that he was not fine and that he did need help, "Daniel, how much of yourself, of whom you are is still with your captor?"

He jerked back as if he had been slapped and focused intently on her as he stuttered, "Uh, wha...what? Nothing ...nothing..."

"Daniel earlier you referred to Osiris as your lord..."

"Because he is..."

Daniel shut his mouth as he realized he was about to name Osiris as his lord. Janet gently grasped his hand in hers giving it a warm, gentle squeeze as she softly reminded, "You no longer have a lord or a master, Daniel. You're free. You're home, yet part of you still remains with him."

He didn't say anything only down casting his eyes because he didn't want to face the truth of her words.

After silence stretched between them for several long minutes Daniel spoke up, "I'll see your friend but can I...may I go now?"

Janet eyed him up knowing that she couldn't release him just yet and not exactly sure how to approach the next topic of discussion. She softened her voice further as she answered, "Not yet. I have a few more questions..."

"Such as?"

She lowered her gaze briefly before turning his hand over to reveal his wrist. As Daniel's own gaze fell to the light visible marks present there he inhaled sharply before turning away from her, finding himself unable to meet her eyes.

Janet noticed his obvious discomfort and knew that she had to proceed with caution. She chose her words carefully as she dared to broach yet another topic Daniel would find difficult to discuss, "Tell me what happened..."

Daniel said nothing only remained silent. He closed his eyes as his mind took him back to the day that he applied a knife to his wrist with the full intention of using it to expedite his own death. His first response was to assure her he was fine, "It was a long time ago, Janet. I'm fine now."

"Daniel this is very serious. I need to know what happened and why you..."

"The marks explain everything, Jan. I was lost, confused...I thought that I had been forgotten, that no one was coming for me, that Jack gave up...that everyone gave up so I decided..."

"That it was time for you to also give up?"

"Yes, but I didn't. I mean I'm here aren't I?"

"That's not the point Daniel. I need to know if this is serious, if this could happen again, if I should subscribe something to..."

Daniel focused intently on her as he replied, "No, no. There's no need to Janet. This happened a long time ago. I won't do it again. I'm fine, honestly."

"And what if you feel you have no other option? What if..."

Daniel spoke with conviction answering, "I won't do this again, Janet."

"But..."

"Trust me. Please?"

She was hesitant knowing that a suicide attempt was an indication that one might try again if a situation became devastating. If stress became overwhelming then a person who tried to kill their self in the past would most likely select that option sometime in the future. She wanted to take Daniel on his word, and as she looked into the fathomless depths of those azure eyes she was certain that he was indeed being truthful with her. She felt relieved but kept the information in the back of her mind. While she didn't believe he would try to kill himself again she knew that as a doctor she had to prepare herself for such a possibility. Feeling confident enough to move off of that topic she proceeded onto the next, "Daniel, were you...beaten at any point during your captivity?"

Daniel held her gaze as he swallowed hard before quietly responding, "He...lashed me for escaping several times..."

She stared at him in surprise questioning, "Several times but..."

Daniel nodded before answering her unvoiced question "He had a Goa'uld healing device that he used on me after each...punishment."

"But you still have scars..."

"I have a few, yes, but that is because he wanted to give me a reminder..."

"A reminder?"

"Of what happens to those who dare to escape from their owners. The scars were a punishment. Most were healed completely but not all. The remaining marks served as a reminder to me of my status and as proof to others that I was fully under My Lord's direct control and mastery."

"I see."

Daniel nervously licked his bottom lip wanting to leave the infirmary and becoming more anxious the longer he remained. He implored, "May I leave now, Janet? I really would like to...go if, if that's all right."

Janet recognized Daniel's sudden edginess and sensed that if she pushed him for more answers right now that he would shut completely down. She decided to grant him his leave, determined to speak with him again in the very near future, "Yes, you're cleared."

Daniel offered her a shy smile as he said, "Thank you."

"Daniel, I want you to know that if you need anything...ANYTHING...all you have to do is ask and I'll help you. Please don't be afraid to ask, please."

"I...I won't. Thanks Janet."

She watched him leave thinking about the conversation they just shared and all the things Daniel had revealed to her. She knew that he was far from healed. He was putting on a front, a mask...acting as if he was perfectly fine and as if everything was normal when his whole life was obviously falling apart around him. She was positive that he wasn't even sure how to behave any more now that he was no longer under Osiris' direct control. Daniel had to learn to be himself all over again. She shook her head greatly saddened by all that Daniel had lost and all that he was still suffering through. All she could do was be there for him and with him. He needed his friends now more than ever before. He would need all of their combined strength to get him through this latest ordeal in his life. He needed his friends to be his wall of support through the lengthy process of healing.

As Daniel approached his office he stopped before the door surprised to see that his name was still affixed to it. When he opened the door he had no idea how to even react. His office looked as if he had never left it and it was clean. It was cluttered but everything was clean as if someone took special care and time to make certain his office had remained clean even when its owner was MIA. He swallowed hard as he realized that he had obviously been missed after all. He slowly approached his desk and sat in his chair, closing his eyes as he allowed the realization to sweep over him that he was finally home. He was home...this wasn't a dream. Thank God it wasn't a dream.

He sat in the silence of his office for the longest time just allowing himself to listen to all the sounds around him. This was where he belonged...at the SGC with his friends and with Jack. Jack...as he thought of his lover he felt his entire body tense. God Jack didn't know...he had seen Osiris arouse him in the throne room with a single touch...oh God, Jack probably hated him now. How he hated the way he had become so adept at being aroused at the drop of a hat as soon as the system lord placed a hand on his body. What must Jack think of him now? How had he felt when he had witnessed his instant reactions to the lightest of touches from his captor? Jack had to have suspected that the relationship he had with Osiris involved a certain level of sexual intercourse and sexual response. Jack must be hurting so badly now that the truth had been so coldly introduced to him. Osiris hadn't even allowed him the chance to explain to Jack about his automatic responses. Jack probably was ashamed of him now.

He wrapped his arms around his body and drew his legs up into the chair feeling the need for comfort fill him. As soon as he drew his legs up he lowered his head pressing his eyes into his knee caps and allowing himself a moment of solace...a moment of comfort. He still felt so alone, even now; but how could one feel so alone when they were among friends? How could one feel so alone when they had finally made it home? He didn't feel as if he belonged here any longer. This felt so strange to him, being here, in this office felt almost...alien. He had spent so long with Osiris that he had grown used to that life and now he had to readjust to normal life all over again. How could he return to a normal life after everything that had happened to him over the past year? He was no longer the same person he had been when Osiris captured him. He was different inside and outside. He was no longer as confident as he had been. He was now afraid, so very afraid of everything...he was afraid of what people would now think of him, of what he had now become...he was afraid that Jack would no longer want him in his life. He was actually afraid to live. God, how could one be so afraid of normal life? How?

He lost track of just how long he sat curled up in his office. He was startled as he heard his door open, but he still didn't raise his head. He hissed as a hand gently touched his shoulder. He suddenly wanted to scream feeling panic enter. It was a simple touch so why was he reacting so strongly to it? He spent months responding to Osiris' every touch and caress so what was different now? He was on Earth and all the fear and shame, the guilt and rage he managed to keep a tight lid on was now breaking free, threatening to overwhelm him. Before he realized it he quietly pleaded, "Don't...please don't...don't touch me..."

"Shh, relax Daniel. It's just me...Sam. I wanted to speak with you but you... I want you to know that you're all right now. You're safe. I'm here for you. We're all here for you, Daniel."

He inhaled shakily drawing comfort from her words but unable to voice it. Silence stretched between them like a valley before Sam spoke again, "If you need to talk to someone or you need anything...anything Daniel please feel free to come to me. I'm willing to listen and help. Please don't keep your feelings trapped inside. I know you've been gone a long time and I know how much it hurt you, how much it took out of you to do what you did to survive. You're free now, Daniel. You're free. You don't have to be afraid anymore. You don't have to be ashamed anymore. You don't have to shield yourself any longer. You're free. You're free to be who you are...free to be who you've become..."

Who he'd become? Did Sam really understand how he was feeling? She must. He felt more at ease and opened his heart a crack, a tiny little sliver, allowing Sam to work her way into his defenses. The hand on his shoulder no longer felt threatening and no longer made him uneasy. He didn't know what to say to her so he settled for a simple, "Thank you, Sam."

Sam smiled hearing a bit of the old Daniel in that voice. She knew it would take a long time for Daniel to heal. He was putting on a very good front. She had seen his front almost immediately though he'd only been back a short time for she had been there. Though the circumstances in her life were far, far less traumatic than Daniel's obviously were she still recognized that he was in full defense mode. She spoke softer, "Welcome back, Daniel."

He didn't respond or even acknowledge that he'd heard her. He sat still for a moment then lifted his right hand and placed it over top of the hand Sam had placed on his shoulder. The gesture said more to her than words ever could...

* * * *

Jack was happy. He was relieved. He was glad to have Daniel back with him on Earth free of the Goa'uld lord determined to keep him enslaved. He was free. He was home and Jack O'Neill felt as giddy as a schoolboy to have him back in one piece alive, so very alive. He couldn't wait to finish up here, go to Daniel's office and carry him back to their home where he could hold him, love him, do a thorough exploration of his body to make certain that he wasn't injured anywhere and get reacquainted with his lover's soft silky, beautiful physique. He knew that he would have to take things slowly at first. He expected Daniel to be a bit skittish tonight but he was determined to help Daniel if he could, and he swore that he could help...it just might take a bit of time.

As he walked down the hallway towards Daniel's office he paused when a feminine voice stalled his progression. He would've ignored her if it had been anyone else calling his name, but since it was Doctor Fraiser and he hadn't visited her since Daniel's return he stopped now curious and anxious to hear any news that she might have on his lover. He gave her his undivided attention, smiled and then asked, "What's up, Doc?"

Janet focused on the Colonel. She needed to speak to him about Daniel and about the possible reactions he might have throughout the next several of months as he tried to readjust to his normal life. She nodded before saying, "Can we talk in my office, Colonel?"

"Sure."

Jack followed her into her office turning to close the door behind them. She then said, "Have a seat, Colonel."

"What's this about?"

"Daniel..."

Jack stiffened as he asked, "What? What's wrong? Has something happened to Danny?"

"Yes something has... Jack, he's been gone a long time and now that he's back there are some...issues we need to discuss."

Jack felt relieved as he realized what this whole discussion was about. He reassured her, "Oh, don't worry Jan everything's fine."

Janet pinned him with an austere gaze as she emphasized, "We need to have this discussion, Colonel."

"I know what to expect..."

"No I don't think you do. You have no idea what he went through and from my exam I can tell you that he is going to experience some trauma."

"Why? What did the exam reveal?"

She slid her gaze away from him momentarily before softening her voice further as she informed, "Jack, we don't know what happened to him. He has marks on his neck, abrasions consistent with..."

"He was collared..." Jack could see the tension in her, which bothered him more than her words ever could. He continued to study her trying to work out why she seemed nervous all of a sudden. He felt the relief enter when she returned her gaze to his face and placed a hand over his own before speaking again, "Yes and that alone will create some problems for him. I'm assuming he wore the collar the entire time..."

"Yes...the snake had it removed before we left."

"I see. Jack do you have any idea what to expect?"

"Yes Janet I do...I'm prepared."

"Are you? Do you really believe that he has been victimized repetitively or do you believe that he allowed things to happen to him?"

Jack fell silent looking at her through suspicious eyes. He didn't speak at first as his mind flashed back to earlier in the day when the snake had touched his lover and drew such passion from the man, when the snake kissed his Danny and Danny responded so openly and so willingly to the touch...when he smiled at Zeenan with that special smile that he had believed Daniel reserved only for him. He lowered his gaze as he felt his anger and jealousy reemerge as he wondered again if Daniel hadn't enjoyed just some of his time spent with Osiris and Zeenan.

Janet watched the man before her tensing further when he failed to respond immediately. She knew what his silence implied and found herself becoming more worried for Daniel and his well-being. She couldn't allow the silence to go on so she continued, "Jack, I'm telling you this as a friend...be careful with him. He may seem as if he is unbreakable but that man is hurting Jack. He's suffered a living hell serving as a slave to a Goa'uld lord. He'll probably have difficulty even adjusting to his normal life...his life has been changed. You need to accept that Daniel is not the same man who left here a year ago. He spent the last several months imprisoned by a Goa'uld lord doing what he could to survive. None of us know what all he had to do, what all he had to sacrifice to stay alive. None of us can judge him and none of us has the right to expect him to be the same person he once was. This whole abduction has changed him, Jack. He's no longer the same as he once was. You have to remember that and you have to remember that healing takes time, and though you may feel Daniel has nothing to heal from you can't say that or make such a judgment because the truth is that you just don't know what he went through. No one knows what he went through and none of us can understand what he went through. I'm telling you, Jack, he will need all of our help and strength to get him through the next few months."

"I...I know..."

"Jack I need to warn you not to push him. I know the two of you are lovers and I know you probably want nothing more than to take him to bed and reclaim him as your own, but you can't do that. I'm warning you now that if you attempt to push him into having any sexual relations with you or push him to become intimate too soon you could cause irreparable damage to his mental health. Expect him to be jumpy around you and scared, expect him to be nervous as hell and anxious. Jack you don't know how he will react to you or to intimacy on any level. You have to remember that he has been gone for a long time and in that time much has happened to him. We don't know what all has happened so expect the unexpected. You have to be very understanding and patient with him, Jack. For all we know a simple touch could send him into a panic attack. The truth is we don't know how this whole abduction has affected him and we don't know what happened to him. You have to understand that though he may seem as if he wasn't traumatized he was. Anyone who is abducted against his will and made a slave overnight will experience trauma of some kind or another. You have to understand it and you have to expect it, be prepared for it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah."

"I can't stress this enough, Jack. You have got to be patient and understanding with him and you have got to remember that such a lengthy absence has created some trauma. Please be very careful how you react to him and behave around him. He's probably very sensitive right now and I guarantee you that he is feeling vulnerable. He's confused, uncertain, afraid and anxious..."

"Doc?"

"Yes?"

"You're repeating yourself."

She paused before continuing, "I just want to be sure, to make certain that you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Jack."

"I understand Janet. I do. I've been there. I know probably better than anyone else how difficult this is going to be for him. I know. Trust me I know what to do."

"Oh I trust you, Jack, and I believe that you would never purposely hurt Daniel for any reason, but I also know that this is all new for you. You are not the one hurting and suffering now. You are not the one who was abducted and held captive this time. You aren't the victim here you're the supporter. You are now in your wife's place. You are the one who will see the effects up close and personal that this lengthy captivity has had on Daniel. He can pretend he is perfectly fine here. He can pretend that everything is like it has always been here, and he will do that. He already IS doing that. It's a defense mechanism. Convince everyone that he's perfectly all right and that nothing ever happened to him when we all know something has. Here he can do that. He is strong enough to keep up that mask here and will probably do so at all costs. It's at home, after work, in the late night hours, during the weekends...where that shield will slip because he feels safest at home...with you. He will need you to hold him late into the night. He'll need you to do nothing else but hold him. He needs to know that you're there and that you're willing to stand by him and support him even when he can't reveal anything to you. He needs your steadfast support not your pity and definitely not your scorn. You can't expect him to tell you everything that happened to him on demand. He has to want to share it, to feel comfortable enough to share his inner most secrets with you. He has to be able to trust you, to speak to you about what happened to him. Without trust he can't open up and despite what you may think that man has been stripped bare, stripped to the core, stripped of his safety, his comfort, his pride, his faith... He has been stripped of his trust. He has to learn to trust all over again and if you harm him, if you deny him, if you refuse to accept him and love him for whom he now is then you risk damaging his ability to trust permanently. Don't do that to him, Jack. Don't destroy what's left of that man's beautiful soul."

"I won't do that Janet."

"You don't know what you may do. Being a victim is very hard being a supporter of that victim is even more difficult. It won't be easy for either of you. You have to be willing to support him even when he completely shuts you out. You have to be willing to support him even when he grows angry and outraged for no apparent reason, even when he starts to cry and can't explain why he's doing it. Jack you have been in his place. You know what it's like to suffer, to be a victim but you have very little experience being someone's supporter and lover when they have been crushed and used so often that they are lost and can't find themselves, when they're so completely lost that they don't even remember who they are anymore. Please be careful with him. Don't fail him Jack or he will be lost not only to himself but to all those who love him."

Jack nodded swallowing hard before answering, "I will, Janet. I won't let anything hurt him."

"Jack, you can't protect him or shield him from the pain and the suffering that comes along after a traumatic experience enters one's life. You can't protect his feelings or shield him from the lasting effects and damage this abduction has created within him. You can't shield him all you can do is love him, be with him, support him, care for him and listen to him. Don't walk away from him and don't shove him away or you risk damaging him even more. He will probably be clingy or distant. He will be one or the other and he will also sway between the two. He has been gone a year and he has spent that year as a slave doing as another has bid him, having no free will of his own unless his captor granted it to him. He has served a year as a slave and servant to another. He will struggle to regain his independence back and it will scare the hell out of him. He will feel odd and uncomfortable here. He might possibly wish to return to Osiris...not because he wants to but because he's afraid to take back his life. He will probably always be afraid that someone could snatch him up and shatter his life all over again. His anxiety will be heightened, his nervousness will be heightened...he will probably be suspicious of people and their motives and he will be worried and afraid that people can see that he is a victim. Jack you must remember that though he looks unharmed and unaffected by the events of the past year that underneath, inside, he has been greatly affected he's just too afraid to reveal how much this abduction has changed him. He may be fearful of you leaving him or abandoning him or hating him for what he had to do to survive with Osiris. You must always remember that though he seems perfectly fine on the outside he truly isn't."

"I understand, Janet. I do. Can I go now? Please?"

"Jack this is VERY important."

"I know. I know and I understand believe me I do. I just want to take him home now. I want to get him home where he'll be safe and comfortable. I'm sure he wants to go home."

She nodded her head understanding his request, but she couldn't leave him go just yet. There was one more topic they had to discuss, "Uh Jack..."

"Yes?"

"There is one more thing I need to speak to you about."

"Which is?"

"I spoke with Daniel earlier when I examined him. He's healthy physically but... I suggested that he see a doctor friend of mine. He...I want him to see her and I told him that I was going to talk to General Hammond about making it a requirement..."

"Making what a requirement?"

"That he see her and speak to her. I'm not saying he has to visit with her daily, but I do want him to see her at least once."

"Okay."

"Can you make sure that he at least meets with her for one session. He said that he would see her but only after insisting repetitively that he didn't need any help and that he's fine. Fine or not I want him to see her and if he refuses I will have the General place him on stand down until he does meet with her. Can you make sure that he visits her at least once? I told him he didn't have to see her regularly but that I wanted him to...meet her and talk with her."

"Yeah sure Janet. I can do that."

"Thank you, Colonel."

"Am I excused now?"

"Yes you can go now but Jack if you need anything...anything even if it's just someone to talk to then please don't hesitate to call me. Even supporters need to talk freely and vent."

Jack paused smiling softly at her before thanking her and leaving the room. He then made his way to Daniel's office determined to collect his lover and take him back home where he truly belonged.

* * * *

He was alone again and as he gazed upon the walls of his office he tried to focus on anything but his sordid thoughts. What was he going to do? What was he supposed to do? How the hell was he ever going to fit back into his life when he had spent the last several months in indentured servitude doing as his master commanded and seeing to his master's needs? How could he return to being the man he had once been?

He rose to his feet and started to pace back and forth trying to figure out what to do with himself. He felt trapped, caged and so very frightened of everything. He had grown use to his life on Bursiris. Things were so very different here on Earth and he wasn't certain if he'd ever be able to fit back in here again after being gone for so long.

Daniel lost track of the time as he continued his incessant pacing only stopping when his lover's voice broke his silence, "Daniel...Daniel..."

"What? Jack, yeah?"

"Are you...ready to go home?"

Daniel looked at him in confusion for a few long moments before saying that word as if to savor the sound of it on his lips, "Home...home...I...that's a word I haven't heard in a very long time. Home..."

Jack cast a worried glance his way but Daniel ignored it as he continued, "Home...yes I'd like to...I'd like to go home, Jack. Jack, take me home please."

"All right come on then."

He reached out to casually grip Daniel's arm stopping when the man suddenly gasped and stepped back from him. Jack glanced up as he softly inquired, "Daniel, it's okay. I just wanted to offer you a hand. Relax."

"Hmm...oh...okay, Jack...I'm just...just a bit...jumpy... I'm sorry...it's been a long time since...since you touched me...I...I was certain you never would again."

Jack frowned as he listened to Daniel's words growing even more concerned when the man sounded so sure of what he thought. Did Daniel really believe that he would never touch him again? Perhaps he did feel certain that he would be Osiris' prisoner for the rest of his life. He swallowed hard before reaching towards the man again. This time Daniel accepted the touch, but he could feel the slight quivering in Daniel's body in response. Was the man afraid of him or was he simply afraid that this wasn't real?

Jack took him to the car and drove home anxious to get his lover back into the house where he belonged. He noticed that Daniel remained quiet the entire drive seemingly contemplating the many lines on the palms of his hands. He wanted to talk to Daniel but wasn't even sure where to begin or what to say so the awkward silence stretched between them for the short drive from work to home.

Once at their house Jack followed Daniel inside watching the man constantly worried that he might just disappear into thin air before him and praying desperately that such a thing would never happen. He didn't speak, only observed his lover as the man entered the house then stopped to stare at the room before him. Without saying a word Daniel then proceeded to slowly make his way around the living room running his hands across everything that he could possibly touch, caressing things and studying them as he would his lover. He wondered what was running through that mind as Daniel made a careful survey of the entire living room touching anything he could get his hands on. Was he trying to memorize everything or reacquaint himself with it all?

He watched the man for several long minutes before uttering, "Daniel?"

Daniel didn't stop to look at him only continued to study and touch everything in the room. Jack was certain he knew how Daniel was feeling so he quickly added, "It's all real love...all of it. You're not dreaming..."

Daniel swallowed hard as he quietly questioned, "What...what did you...what did you just call me?"

"Love, why?"

Daniel shook his head no feeling his heart breaking as he answered, "I...I don't...no..."

"What? What is it, love?"

"NO!"

Jack noticed that Daniel was suddenly very agitated and quickly approached him wanting to wrap his arms around the man but hesitating to do so as he inquired, "Daniel, what's wrong?"

"I'm...I'm...no, Jack... I don't...don't deserve...no." Daniel continued to shake his head now clenching his eyes shut as vivid images of the night before flashed through his mind. Last night he had again given himself to his lord and had enjoyed every minute of it. The bruises Janet noticed were mainly from their little foray the previous evening. How could...how could Jack stand here and call him his love when less than twenty-four hours ago he had again betrayed their love by sleeping with his master?

Jack watched Daniel feeling his heart aching as the man wrapped his arms around himself and downcast his gaze. He stepped closer reaching towards Daniel intent on comforting him, but Daniel quickly turned his back on him upsetting Jack more. He lowered his arm to his side as he questioned, "Daniel, what's wrong?"

The man's only response was a harsh exhalation of breath and the slight shaking of his head. He didn't think as he came up behind Daniel and wrapped his arms lovingly around the man until Daniel shrieked and jerked away from him. He immediately backed up and raised his arms before him inquiring, "Daniel what's wrong? What is wrong love? Please tell me..."

Daniel turned towards Jack but still couldn't look at him. He clenched his eyes shut wondering why his heart was now racing and his breathing was so harsh. Why had he reacted like that to Jack's touch? Why? What the hell was wrong with him? He never reacted that way to Osiris' touch so why in the hell was he reacting that way to his lover's touch? Why? He shook his head very confused and upset. He softly replied, "I'm...I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know why I...why I reacted like that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay Daniel. I should've known better than to come up behind you like that. It's okay."

Daniel jerked his head up responding, "How the hell can it be okay? I screamed, Jack, I...I...you...how can it be okay? Why...why would I...?"

"Daniel, relax. You're just very nervous and uncertain right now. You've been gone a long time. It's going to take some time for you to readjust. It's natural."

"Natural? It's natural for me to scream when you touch me? How is that natural, Jack?"

"Because it's all part of the healing process."

"The healing process, oh great...perfect. So, so what? Every time you touch me I'm going to scream? Great, Jack, that's just great."

"Daniel..."

"No, no...that's not okay. How is that okay, Jack? How the hell is that okay?"

Jack watched Daniel noticing that he was growing more and more disheartened. He had screamed upon being touched and couldn't understand what precipitated such an action. Jack, however, probably understood better than Daniel just how normal a nervous reaction to touch was and that's all it was. He was nervous and uncertain. He didn't know whether he could trust the touch being provided. In fact, Daniel probably was still having difficulty comprehending that this was real, that everything was REAL, and that he was home. He was finally back home where he belonged, but he was probably afraid to believe that this all could be truly real. He had a similar reaction after returning from Iraq. He had a lot of difficulty accepting that he was really free from that hell and that he was really HOME. He had envisioned it so much in his dreams and thoughts that it was too overbearing at first, it was too much to comprehend and he had struggled with that sense of unreality, that sense that this was real and that it wouldn't just...vanish before his eyes. He wondered if Daniel had created fantasies and scenes of this house playing out what his life would've been like if he hadn't been taken so abruptly from his home and kept a virtual prisoner of a sinister Goa'uld lord for nearly a year. Did Daniel create scenes of their life together? Did Daniel imagine that he was speaking with him, with his friends when the loneliness and fear threatened to choke him and drive him insane? Did Daniel forge his own little world separate from his life of slavery to combat the emptiness and absence of those things he desperately needed to survive? If he were to answer those questions he would say yes. Yes Daniel probably did exactly that. Again he felt an overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around his lover and offer him reassurances. He wanted to whisper into Daniel's ear that this was real and that he was home and that he was safe again. He wanted to do that so badly, but he knew that Daniel would probably become even more upset.

Daniel focused on Jack feeling his bottom lip trembling and mentally cursing the action. He quickly tugged that lip between his teeth staring into the deep liquid brown eyes of the man he fought so hard to survive for, to live for and he felt as if he were dying inside. He had screamed. He had actually screamed when Jack touched him. How could that be normal? How could Jack even tolerate that kind of a reaction? My God he had jerked free of the man's hold when all Jack was trying to do was...was hug him. All he was trying to do was offer comfort and support and how did he react? He reacted like he was frigid...God was he frigid? Was he too damned afraid to allow another person to touch him again? Would he continue to be jumpy and...and frigid for the rest of his goddamned life? What the hell kind of a person was he?

He had jerked away from his lover and refused to accept his offer of comfort. How could he blow Jack off like that? How? And if he did that just now then did that mean he would never, ever be able to accept touch again? God what the hell was going on? He shook his head feeling an intense sadness sweeping through him and all he could manage to utter was, "Sorry...I'm so sorry...sorry. I hurt you I know. I'm sorry. I...I don't know... I...I don't...sorry."

Jack swallowed hard feeling tears threatening to spill over making his eyes burn with the need to allow them release, but he refused to grant them escape. He cleared his throat as he replied, "No, no. Don't do that, Danny. Don't do that..."

Daniel hung his head refusing to look at Jack holding his arms tightly across his chest as he slowly twisted from side to side as if the motion would comfort him in some way shape or form. Without glancing up Daniel continued, "I'm sorry..."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, love. Nothing to be sorry for...don't apologize. You don't have to apologize. I understand, Daniel. I understand. Please don't feel sorry or upset. Please don't think you upset me by that reaction. I understand Daniel. God, I understand why you reacted like that and I know that it will probably...no, not probably will, it will happen again. It's natural Daniel. Please don't apologize for a perfectly natural reaction. Please love."

"But...but...but..."

Jack reached out gently pressing his fingers under Daniel's chin and urged him to raise his head. When he did Jack shook his head continuing in a soft reassuring tone, "No, no buts Daniel. No buts."

"But Jack..."

"Shh...shh. We can deal with this. We can. There's no need for you to get upset. No need, love. None..."

As Daniel focused on him Jack slid his hand up to gently cup his lover's left cheek. He then leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips across that of his lover's. He wasn't insistent or demanding. He made the kiss light, barely skimming those luscious lips he so desperately yearned to capture and explore again. A soft choked moan was the only response he received from Daniel before those azure eyes of his widened more so in shock. He was certain that Daniel was still trying to accept that he was home and that his lover was real. Daniel choked out, "Jack...Jack..."

"Danny..."

"Are...are you real? Is this real? Please tell me you're real Jack because...because I don't think I can handle it if ...if this is just another of my...of my... I can't handle it. Don't...don't be a figment of my imagination, Jack. Don't hurt me like that, please...please be...be real."

Jack moved forward slowly and carefully, gently easing his arms around the now shaking man and tugging him against him. He closed his eyes as he felt that all too familiar lithe body move against his seeking out his heat, seeking out the reassurances that he was real and that this was real. He encompassed Daniel in his arms feeling his body insinuate against him and meld against him recalling how perfectly they fit together. They had always fit so perfectly together and it wasn't until now that he realized just how badly he had missed this: feeling Daniel against him, fitting against him so perfectly...that warm body that he knew so very well molding against him. The man he loved with all his heart snuggling ever deeper in his arms pushing his own body so firmly against him as if he wanted to fuse his body with that of his lover's. Oh God, oh yes he had missed this so very much...had missed this, had yearned for it, ached for it...cried when he wrapped his arms around empty air feeling his heart break as again he was reminded that he might never have this again, ever. As those strong, well-formed arms wrapped desperately around him holding him tightly Jack realized just how afraid Daniel was that this was just imagination. He knew that Daniel needed reassurances and would probably need constant affirmation that this was real and that he was home. He spoke softly, "Yes love, this is real. I am real. You're real, I'm real...we're together. You're home, love, home where you belong. You can open your eyes and I'll still be right here. I'm not going anywhere Daniel. I'm here and I'm so very real. You're not imagining this Danny. You're not dreaming, you're not fantasizing this is reality...this is our reality. You're back and you're not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere and I'm not going anywhere. We're together just like we're meant to be."

Daniel was so afraid, so very afraid that once he wrapped his arms around Jack the man would vanish into thin air. He was so damned scared that this was a dream. He was so damned scared that this was another of those many fantasies he had drummed up in his mind to keep him fighting and surviving for so long. As his arms wrapped around the warm, yielding body and he felt arms also wrapping around him he felt himself beginning to relax just a hair. This had to be real, it felt so real, Jack felt so real...this had to be real...it had to be! He snuggled deeper against the body he knew so well wanting nothing more than to meld their bodies together and make them as one. He so wanted Jack to be here and be with him. He so desperately needed Jack to be the one now holding him so close and as he turned his face into that warm, muscular chest he inhaled deeply feeling his legs wobbling like Jell-O as he recognized that scent. He inhaled again deeper this time tightening his hold on the man. He knew he had to be crushing Jack, but he couldn't get enough of the man, of that scent that was so absolutely Jack. His lungs filled with Jack's tantalizing, unique, beautiful, wonderful precious essence. The scent was all Jack O'Neill...ALL Jack O'Neill. God he was home. He was! Thank God! Thank God!

His fear started to ebb and he allowed Jack to hold him so close not wanting the man to ever let him go. God he needed this...needed this and needed Jack so damned much and finally, finally he had what he wanted. Thank God! He was finally HOME.

* * * *

Daniel later entered the bathroom closing the door before locking it behind him. He didn't want Jack to walk in on him. He didn't want Jack to see the marks on his body that spoke of his betrayal. He quickly shrugged out of his clothes listening to the sounds of Jack's movement beyond the door hoping and praying that Jack didn't hear him throw the lock on the door and didn't try to enter the bathroom while he was showering. He didn't want Jack to know that he felt it necessary to lock the door behind him.

He shook his head as he quickly shed his clothing watching as they pooled around his feet feeling odd to see them there. He had been without clothing for so very long. Osiris insisted on him being scantily dressed wearing nothing more than a collar, armbands and a chastity belt that was permanently locked on his body. Occasionally he was permitted a cloak or many bracelets would adorn his arms and anklets would be placed on his legs. He was even given slippers to wear, slippers or sandals, but often he went barefooted wearing the sandals only during the day while at night he wore nothing on his body except a robe when he had to leave the bedchamber to relieve himself or to do something his lord required of him. As he thought of the belt that had become a second skin on him he noticed suddenly just how weird it felt not to have it on him. He had grown so accustomed to the feel of that belt locked on his body that without it there he felt almost...naked. God, if that wasn't the stupidest thing in the world!

He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and focused on stepping into the shower. He turned on the water inhaling sharply before sighing as it quickly became hot and soothing to his aching skin. He stood for several long minutes just allowing the water to flow down over his body. He picked up the soap and started to wash himself relaxing further as the familiar smell of soap permeated the air around him. He kept his eyes closed as he bathed not wanting to see the marks on his skin left there by the one who had held him for so long.

After he finished showering he stepped out of the tub and started to dry off pausing when his gaze clashed with the dark black and purple bruising scattered in various areas across his thighs, legs and hips. He tried to silence the memories but they encroached taking over and casting him back in time to the previous night when Osiris made love to him not once but three times each time growing more aggressive than the previous.

He slowly lowered one shaking hand to his leg gently pressing on a bruise that marred his skin. He felt a shudder of revulsion travel through him as he remembered Sarah's fingers digging and clawing at him as she rode him fast and hard and brought him to an amazing climax. As those images continued to bombard him, and he remembered how he screamed and begged for permission to climax, he quickly found himself hanging over the basin and puking his guts up. He was confused and shaken by such an intense reaction to memories.

When he was finished he rinsed out the basin, lowered the toilet seat and dropped backwards onto his behind hanging his head as he tried to make sense of why now after so many sexual encounters with Osiris did he feel sick and revolted by the memories. What the hell was that about? They'd had sex last night like any other evening so why was he reacting so violently to the memory now? What was wrong with him? Why did he react like that to a simple memory of a sexual encounter that he had enjoyed so thoroughly?

He jerked his head up when an insistent pounding broke through his convoluted thoughts...Jack...shit Jack was banging on the door asking if he was all right trying to get in the room. SHIT! He jerked to his feet quickly racing to the sink where he washed his mouth out before telling Jack that he was all right and that he would be just a moment. As Jack insisted on letting him in or he'd break the damned door down Daniel felt panic fill him. If Jack broke the door down he would see the marks, he would see the evidence of what occurred the previous night on Bursiris. He couldn't let Jack see the bruises that now marred his skin. He just couldn't! If he did he'd have to explain and he sure as hell wouldn't be able to do that! NO! He snatched a robe off the hook quickly pulling it on and cinching it tight before unlocking the door. He had no sooner unlocked the door before Jack came bolting into the room raking his eyes over him in concern and worry.

He quickly reassured Jack as he said, "I'm fine. Jack I'm fine. I just...I just didn't feel well. I'm fine."

"You locked the door."

"Yes I did."

"Why? Why did you...?"

"Jack..."

"WHY?"

"Because I...because... Look Jack..."

"What?"

"Jack, don't worry about it."

"Daniel I thought you were hurt. I heard you..."

"I'm fine, Jack. I'm just fine. You don't need to worry. I'm fine. Really."

"Are you?"

"Yes now please...can you please let me get dressed? Please."

Jack watched him for the longest time before nodding his head. He watched Daniel, not thinking of how uncomfortable he might be feeling at the moment. Daniel glanced nervously at him hoping and praying that he would just leave. He wasn't about to get dressed in front of Jack not when his lower body was sufficiently painted with a mixture of black, purple and green bruising. He waited but when Jack didn't show any indication that he would give him privacy he quickly downcast his gaze as he softly requested, "May I please get dressed now?"

"May I please? Why so formal?"

He jerked his head up in response cursing when he realized that he was taking a submissive stance to ask a question. Damn it! He forced himself to maintain eye contact with Jack as he again asked, "Jack could you please give me some privacy? Please I don't...I don't feel... I can't get dressed in front of you. I...it just doesn't ...I can't...not yet. Please?"

Jack continued to gaze at him with questions burning in his eyes. No doubt he was wondering when the hell his lover learned to speak so formally and so goddamned meekly and when he became nervous about dressing in front of another. Damn it the slave training was so ingrained in him, so goddamn ingrained! Would he always speak to Jack as if he were his servant and not his lover? Shit! He had to forget the training he had been given...the training that had been shoved down his throat for the past year. He shook his head sadly wondering if he could ever unlearn all that Osiris taught him and expected him to remember.

When Jack nodded and exited the room Daniel felt relieved. He waited until he was certain that Jack wasn't going to barge back into the room before quickly shutting the door. He tore the robe off of his body and threw some clothes back on. He then brushed his teeth, combed his hair and exited the room.

When he entered their bedroom an overwhelming sense of anxiousness swept through him. As his gaze sought out and found Jack the anxiety built higher and as the man stared intently his way he felt as if he were defying him by not lowering his gaze to the floor properly. Shit how was their relationship ever going to be normal if he kept feeling like a goddamned slave in Jack's presence? Son of a bitch why was Jack drawing those well-ingrained lessons on submissiveness and subservience out of him? Why did he feel like a damned slave in his own home? Why?

He unconsciously reached up to his throat rubbing his fingers carefully over the abraded skin there almost expecting to feel the familiar coldness of the gold collar that had adorned his throat for the last year of his life. He felt relieved when his hands only contacted warm, somewhat sore flesh glad that the collar that had marked him as a slave and as Osiris' servant was no longer secured around his neck. He focused intently on Jack noticing the sudden concern and worry he was casting towards him. He remained still as Jack moved towards him approaching him with a look of determination flaring in the brown depths of his eyes. When Jack drew to a halt directly before him all he could do was tense. He instantly relaxed when Jack spoke in that comforting tone of reassurance, "It's gone Daniel. It's not there anymore. You're free. You're free and you're home. You're no longer marked. You're no longer a slave. Daniel this is real. You are home and you are safe. You are free. We're together again. You can believe what I'm telling you. I wouldn't lie to you about this. You're not dreaming this up or inventing it. This is really truly happening. You are free and you are home. You are no longer a slave. You're free love. Free."

As Jack pressed a soothing hand to the side of his face Daniel tensed before moaning and turning into that palm. When Jack again reassured him he felt the tension flee and immediately reached for Jack wrapping his arms tightly around him drawing comfort and reassurance from the feeling of Jack O'Neill very much alive and real in his arms. Oh God, how long would he feel this way? How long would he feel as if he were dreaming, as if this weren't real? How long? As Jack's arms encircled him he melted further in his embrace again inhaling deeply the intoxicating scent of his lover and feeling so grateful that Jack was really here and that he was indeed free.

He closed his eyes allowing Jack to comfort him, reveling in the feel of those strong, callused hands stroking soothingly across his back. As Jack stopped his hands at his waist before slipping them beneath his waistband he tensed feeling every nerve rise on end as his heart slammed in his chest. He released a soft whimper as he had a sudden fear that those hands would descend lower. As Jack slipped those same hands up under his shirt he felt himself instantly relaxing and he further tightened his hold relieved that the hands now caressing his back were callused and not smooth like silk. These hands were hands he recognized, the hands of his true love not of the person who controlled him for the past year and as that knowledge forged in his mind he found himself again melting in Jack's embrace.

Jack frowned at first when he felt Daniel tensing beneath him. As he carefully slipped his hands beneath the waistline of Daniel's pants he swore that the man practically launched out of his arms, but he couldn't stop touching and stroking the warm smooth silky skin tantalizing his hands at the moment so he carefully eased them upwards and began to rub small circles into Daniel's lower back. He smiled when his lover seemed to calm and melt against him again. He spoke softly, "You're free love and you're never going back there again...ever."

"Jack...hmm, Jack..."

He chuckled huskily as he felt Daniel responding to his gentle strokes unconsciously thrusting his hips forward making their groins clash and sing with the unresolved sexual tension the brief contact was evoking within. He automatically lowered his head and pressed his lips to the sensitive skin of Daniel's neck speaking in between kisses, "You are free from the collar love. Free...I'll help you forget. I will..."

As Daniel moaned and eagerly turned his head to offer Jack more of his neck for loving Jack chuckled again asking, "Do you like that?"

"I missed this, Jack...God I missed this, missed you...missed you so much..."

"I missed you too love."

He continued to press light butterfly kisses across Daniel's throat where the collar had rested only this morning. As his lips found the roughened skin where the collar had been chafing he lightened his kisses further mentally cursing the one who created those marks on his lover's smooth skin. He proceeded with caution remembering Janet's warning and knowing that Daniel would probably stop him soon. He was prepared for it, but until that time came he would kiss every little delectable inch of skin he could reach until Daniel stopped him.

He groaned when Daniel suddenly ground his groin against him, and he became instantly hard. He could tell that Daniel was having a similar reaction because he was now very hard. He wanted to progress to lovemaking but forced himself to remain satisfied with being able to kiss and touch him so soon after his release. After he finished thoroughly kissing the left side of Daniel's neck he pulled back to gaze into Daniel's eyes to make certain that he was all right with the direction they were moving. As he focused on him he felt relieved that he didn't see tension there but he still asked, "Are you all right love? I'm not rushing you into something you're not yet ready for?"

As Daniel gazed into those tender brown eyes he felt tears pooling at the edges of his own threatening to fall. Jack was so sincere and he was being so patient...God Jack... He silenced those thoughts as he leaned forward pressing his lips to Jack's sighing when he could tell the difference between his lover and...and her. Jack responded eagerly slipping his hands out from under his shirt and sliding his right hand to the base of his neck. He was breathless as the kiss deepened, but in the next instant he felt pure terror fill him shoving Jack violently away from him the moment his hand came to rest on the back of his neck. He felt the terror attempting to consume him and drag him under. He tried to block out the feelings and tried to resist falling into panic, but the memories refused to abate. The images showed no mercy as they began to bombard him sending him back in time to another place, a place that ruled his nightmares. He pushed those memories away trying desperately to focus on Jack knowing that he was here with him, that he was safe. He tried to calm his breathing and tried to fight passed the sudden terror that was now gripping him. He was confused and very upset by the intense reaction. He felt absolutely terrified and quickly closed his eyes trying to regain his focus but only feeling his terror building as his mind threw him back in time. He forced his eyes open to banish the horrifying memories that were trying to take hold of him staring at his love but not yet seeing him, instead he was still seeing another who had desired to own him, who went so far as to steal him from a meeting to capture him. He tried vainly to block the memories feeling himself quickly becoming engulfed by them but all he could do was release a desperate plea, "Oh God, oh God...NO! STOP! Stop...please...NO!"

Jack was left gasping for breath and feeling very unfocused as he began to realize that Daniel had just shoved him. He was angry for the briefest of moments until he glanced at his lover and saw stark cold terror there reflecting in his eyes. Oh God! When Daniel had cried out Jack suddenly knew that his lover was no longer in this room but miles away stuck in a memory that obviously scared the hell out of him. He slowly approached Daniel prepared to calm him by speaking with him when the younger man suddenly shook his head and gazed at him with confused, fearful eyes. He instantly offered reassurance, "You're all right, love. You're all right. You had a flashback that's all a..."

"Flashback...but why? How? What...?"

"I think I might have triggered it when I...when I kissed you."

"No, no, no...no it wasn't, no... When you touched me...that had to be it."

"Touched...what?"

"My neck Jack when you touched the back of my neck I...that's when, that's when I felt so afraid, terrified like...like..." He swallowed hard now staring intently at the floor as he continued, "The leash that had to be...that's where...that's how he gained control of me..."

"He? Who? Osiris?"

"Yes sometimes but the memory... It wasn't about him it was about... It was...Naveria."

Jack tensed hearing warning bells sounding in his head. Naveria...he definitely recognized that name. That was where Daniel was first seen after his capture. Jacob, Jacob had told him about that planet. It was where, "...Dionysus."

Daniel turned a terrified gaze his way wanting to speak, but the words wouldn't come. All he could do was nod. He tried to make sense of how Jack knew that name, recognized that planet...

Jack quickly answered his unspoken question, "Jacob told us that you were seen there by a Tok'ra spy. He said that you were...attacked while there. I guess when I touched the back of your neck I..."

"But that doesn't make sense, Jack. You touched me and the next moment I was cowering from you...all you did was touch me. That doesn't make sense."

"Yes it does, Daniel. Yes it does."

When Daniel continued to gaze at him with confusion burning in his eyes Jack continued, "It's your body, Daniel."

"My body? What?"

"Our bodies remember traumatic experiences as well. It's kind of like those who have an amputated arm or leg...occasionally they'll complain of feeling pain in the lost limb. It's... I don't know how to explain it but our bodies hold memories too. When I touched your neck the way I did your body remembered pain it had experienced previously and triggered the accompanying memory. You said that it had to be the leash, that's how he gained control..."

"I never said that! Why the hell would I say that? I wouldn't!"

"You did only a few moments ago Daniel."

"I...no, I...no that's too... Why would I...no. I hate those memories. I destroyed them why would...why would I tell you?"

"I don't think that was your intention. You're not ready to talk yet, which is all right, but I...I triggered a memory and brought it to the surface sooner than you planned..."

He could see the fear and devastation in Daniel's eyes. God, why was the man so ashamed of a memory of a time when someone hurt him? Why did he look as if he feared he'd lose everything by revealing something...why? He tried to distract Daniel from the direction he was certain his mind was heading by saying, "Well at least I know where not to touch you."

"Where not to...Jack, that's horrible."

"Daniel it's not horrible and I guarantee it's not the only spot on your body. You need to tell me if my touch feels uncomfortable to you or makes you feel queasy..."

"Queasy? Why would touch...?"

"You were gone a year, a year Daniel, twelve months...there's bound to be some trauma..."

"No, no I'm fine. Really..."

"If you were fine you wouldn't have shoved me halfway across the room to get away from me."

Daniel closed his eyes in shame feeling foolish and ridiculous for overreacting to a simple touch. Jack was before him in moments cupping his cheek in the palm of his hand again as he said, "I didn't say that to further upset you Daniel. I said it so you would understand. It will happen and when it does we'll deal with it...together. So you don't like a hand pressing against the back of your neck I'll work on it, we'll work on it until you feel relaxed enough to know the touch isn't going to trigger the memory again. We'll get through this, but we have to work together. You have to trust me, Daniel."

"Oh...okay...okay Jack okay."

Jack smiled and nodded before hugging Daniel again briefly then suggesting they make something to eat for supper before retiring. Daniel agreed and together they made their way to the kitchen.

It was bedtime before they knew it and they decided to retire for the night, but Daniel was still feeling very nervous and anxious. He waited until Jack was in the bed and settled before deciding to crawl in beside him. He slowly lay down beside Jack feeling odd and unsure of everything. He carefully eased himself onto the mattress turning his back to Jack. He could feel the man's eyes on him, watching him, and felt so exposed and so damned vulnerable. He drew his arms around himself and closed his eyes listening to the sound of his own rapidly beating heart and the movements that the man beside him was making. He tensed when he heard Jack shift closer to him and the first thought that popped into his head was 'please don't touch me, please.' The thought alone broke his heart for he knew why he no longer wanted to be touched: Osiris took way too many liberties with his servant and this confused, frightened creature was all that remained behind. God, he was with Jack now. He had no reason to be scared. Jack would never hurt him. He could trust Jack; he could.

As a light hand pressed to his right shoulder Daniel gasped and jumped feeling a sudden panic surge throughout his body. He immediately tried to calm himself mentally repeating over and over that he was okay and that he was with Jack. As he managed to calm his flailing nerves a bit he found himself wondering why Jack still touched him. Didn't he realize, didn't he know that inside...God inside he was screaming at the top of his lungs and clawing towards the surface of the black, torrid water threatening to trap him and threatening to drown him? Daniel listened to Jack's voice as he asked a question he dreaded...

"Do you want to talk about what happened, Daniel?"

Uh hell no!

He wanted to say those words but couldn't seem to force them passed his lips so he remained silent shaking his head no and feeling so very guilty and so very angry at the same time. Again Jack spoke, "Daniel, you need to talk about this. You can't act as if nothing has happened to you."

Oh the hell I can't!

He still didn't acknowledge his lover. He knew that eventually he'd have to tell Jack what happened...eventually, but that was not now. He shook his head slightly before replying, "I don't want to talk, Jack..."

"Daniel you have to talk. You have to."

"No I don't. There's nothing to talk about."

"Daniel, I know how hard this request is but please, please, at least attempt to..."

"NO! NO! It's...no! I don't want to talk about it! I don't need to talk about it. Nothing happened! I'm fine!"

"No you're not, Daniel."

"Just...leave me alone Jack. Please?"

"Daniel, don't shut me out. Do you hear me? Don't do that to me!"

"I'm not. I'm fine. Really, Jack, I'm just fine."

"Daniel..."

"Stop, Jack, just...stop..."

"Daniel I'm trying to help you, love. I want to help you."

"Then do as I ask Jack."

"But Daniel..."

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? I'M FINE!"

Jack tensed and flinched in response to the anger he heard lining Daniel's voice. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes trying to calm himself again so he wouldn't further upset his lover. He lowered his own voice several octaves before continuing, "You were gone a very long time, Daniel. I know that things happened to you in that time. I'm not asking you to tell me everything all I want is for you to tell me something. You have got to talk about this Daniel. You can't keep everything bottled up inside of you because eventually it has to come out. Believe me Daniel I know what I'm talking about here. Please..."

Daniel clenched his eyes tightly shut as he evenly responded, "Jack I'm really tired right now and I would really like to get some sleep. Okay?"

Jack sighed before yielding and allowing the silence to stretch between them. He tried to silence all his questions, but one question continued to enter his mind over and over again refusing to give him a moment's solace so without thought he softly questioned, "Did you love him, Daniel?"

Daniel snapped his eyes open and jerked away from Jack as he screamed, "OH GOD!"

He stared at Jack in horror as he managed to whisper, "Do you believe I loved him, Jack?"

When Jack said nothing in response Daniel simply said, "I...I have to go to the bathroom." Then he quickly left the room leaving Jack feeling like such an ass for revealing a fear he had. He knew that he should run after the man but doubted if Daniel would listen to him, so he lay there staring at the ceiling listening to the sound of water as Daniel clicked on the shower. God he had to talk to Daniel, but how? Just what in hell should he even say to the man? He lay there in the silent darkness listening to the shower and wondering what Daniel was now doing.

Meanwhile...

Daniel ran into the bathroom feeling the sudden need to clean himself and scrub himself. He turned the shower on scolding hot and jumped in scrubbing himself hard. Jack had asked him if he loved his master? God what...why would Jack say something like that? What did Jack think of him? Did Jack...oh God what was he going to do?

He closed his eyes as visions from the previous night filled his mind and scrubbed harder feeling rage at himself for allowing Osiris to use him again. He cursed as he recalled the expression of shocked horror on his lover's face when he responded so eagerly to his lord. He remembered Janet's words and how she insisted that he was raped. He shook his head violently wanting to shut out the voices and having no success, so he lowered to his knees then proceeded to curl himself up into as tight a ball as he could form allowing the scolding hot water to pound into his skin and singe him. God he was such a fool. What did he think would happen when he returned? Did he really believe that he'd be accepted? Had he really believed that he would be able to pick up his old life right where it left off? No, no, NO!

He lost track of the time afraid to leave the bathroom, afraid to face Jack O'Neill all over again and afraid that he would reveal something of what had happened to him back there. He couldn't tell Jack. He couldn't! Jack would hate him and despise him if he knew. Jack wouldn't love him anymore. He wouldn't. He couldn't talk to Jack about what had happened. He just couldn't do it.

He got out of the shower and dried off then proceeded to brush his teeth three times trying to rid his mouth of her taste, of her essence. God would he ever be normal again? Would he ever forget? He deliberately kept his gaze down refusing to glance in the mirror afraid that if he caught sight of himself he would see the monster he had now become. Jack should get rid of the damned mirror. He really should.

Daniel shook his head wrapping his robe around him like a shield before returning to bed and crawling beneath the covers expertly managing not to make contact with the man already in the bed. He had many months to perfect such a skill as that.

As he settled he screamed when Jack's calm voice inquired, "Feel better Daniel?"

"SHIT! Jesus, Jack, don't do that! Don't scare me like that!"

"Scare you? All I did was ask you a question..."

"Yeah when I thought you were fast asleep. God Jack why...what...what the hell possessed you to do that?"

"I was worried about you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Come on I didn't scare you..."

As Jack touched Daniel's arm he felt the shivering in the man and softly muttered, "I did...God I'm sorry, Daniel. If I had known that asking a question would have... God I'm so sorry...sorry, love, so sorry. You're safe now. You're all right. I just...I'm sorry."

Daniel clenched his eyes shut again trying to make sense of why Jack's voice scared the shit out of him mere moments before. He should've known that Jack would be awake and waiting for him. He should have known, so why had he reacted so...like a scared rabbit? Why?

Jack felt bad about scaring Daniel. He shook his head and mentally called himself every name in the book. He'd probably helped Daniel's uneasiness by asking all those questions and demanding he talk about what happened. Why had he done that to Daniel? Why? Hell, the man hadn't even been back for twenty-four hours and already he was demanding that Daniel speak with him? Already he was insisting that Daniel tell him what had happened there? Since when did someone feel comfortable enough to speak of a traumatic experience, a lengthy captivity on the same day they returned? He made a mental note to himself to take things SLOWLY. He knew how long it took for someone to speak of such things...hell, he had been free from that Iraqi prison for many years now and there were still so many things that he refused to talk about, so why should it be any different with Daniel? Why should he be expecting Daniel to talk, to bare his soul when the man had only just returned home? The answer was simple: he shouldn't. He was being extremely unfair to Daniel by expecting him to speak about those things.

He closed his eyes as he recalled Janet's warnings: go slowly, don't push, don't rush, don't pressure, don't expect too much...love him, listen to him, support him, show him understanding and above all else BE PATIENT WITH HIM... After all patience is a virtue and when someone has been through as much shit as he'd no doubt been put through over the course of the past year it is very likely that discussing all that shit was not high on Daniel's list of priorities right now. No, his priorities were probably much different than those like, for instance, trying to fit in when he's been gone so long, trying to accept that he is no longer a slave to another, trying to get used to being free again and trying to understand why he feels so lost in a place where he should feel right at home.

He focused on Daniel who was now presenting him with his back and rose up on his elbow as he softly apologized, "I'm sorry, Daniel. I'm sorry."

When Daniel refused to respond he hung his head before continuing, "I'm sorry. I promised I'd be patient with you and I will. I will love. I...it... I shouldn't have... I'm sorry I sort of, kind of demanded you to tell me about...you know. It's not fair of me to demand that you tell me something you aren't yet ready to speak of. It's not fair to add that pressure on when you are already dealing with so many other things..."

Without turning Daniel whispered, "Like?"

"Like trying to figure out just where you fit in now. How you can deal with your renewed independence. How to return to a normal life...how to..."

Daniel turned focusing on him with eyes that spoke of relief and the slightest hint of hope. Someone understood him, finally. He could read it in Daniel's eyes and gently smiled as he added, "Oh yeah I understand perfectly, Daniel. I understand perfectly."

When Daniel widened his eyes in surprise Jack leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead and cheek before cupping his face in the palm of his hand and turning Daniel's head enough to lower and press a kiss to his luscious lips. Daniel gasped before softly moaning as he accepted the kiss and returned it. He then broke the kiss whispering a soft thank you Jack and a good night before again turning back onto his left side and deliberately moving away from him.

Jack swallowed hard as he watched Daniel shut down beside him. As the man curled up on his side refusing to acknowledge him in any other way he felt the loss travel to the depths of his soul. God, what had happened to Daniel during the past year? Where had he been? What had he done? What had he seen? How had he felt? He continued to focus intently on the man beside him settling for simply gazing at his back and urging him silently to go to sleep, but Daniel still seemed disturbed and remained awake. Jack refused to relax until his lover found rest.

When Daniel's breathing finally evened out Jack closed his eyes in silent thanks trying to keep his winces and grunts of pain from echoing throughout the room inhaling tensely as his numb arm started to return to life driving sharp prickly pins into previously deadened nerves. How long had he remained in that same position? How long? As the pins and needles sensation finally started to subside he glanced at the clock noticing that it had been nearly two hours since Daniel had been unable to find rest. Two hours? What the hell had the man so distracted that it took him two whole hours to drift asleep? He shook his head before slowly easing down onto his left side wanting to touch Daniel but afraid to do so. He laid still reveling in the smells and the warmth of the man so close to him finally back where he belonged. Finally. He closed his eyes listening to Daniel's deep even breathing and allowed that sound of comfort and of calm to sweep over him and lull him to sleep.

* * * *

Jack snapped his eyes open when he heard Daniel's voice in his mind pleading to be set free, pleading not to be touched or hurt. As the voice of his lover rose in volume he felt his heart rate triple. Daniel...Daniel always spoke to him in the night in his dreams. God how he missed the man, how he missed his love so very much...

"Jack please...please I need you. Need you, love, don't...don't leave. Don't leave me again. Please...no, no...stop... Stop them Jack, please stop...don't let them...don't...no. Jack? JACK!"

He jerked upright as his lover's pleading voice fell around him. As the man of his dreams suddenly cried out in despair before tossing his head and twisting onto his right side reaching out, he suddenly recalled that Daniel was back. He was here and he was in distress. He turned focusing on the sleeping man's face noticing the worry lines that creased his brow and the frown that now touched his lips as he continued mumbling. He tensed as Daniel's hand suddenly latched onto his arm and squeezed with such strength that he couldn't stop the loud wince that slipped passed his lips in reaction to that hold that was as desperate as the mutterings his lover was still putting voice to. He pushed the sudden discomfort to the back of his mind focusing on consoling his lover and helping him to relax once more into deep sleep. He reached up to Daniel's face with his free hand and started to gently run his fingers through the man's lengthy mane of soft fine hair speaking in soothing tones as he gently crooned, "Shh, Daniel, shh. Hush. Hush love. You're fine. Everything's fine. I'm here now. I'm here and I'm not about to leave you."

"Jack don't...don't go...don't...don't let him... No, no Jack...need you, need you Jack...please..."

"I'm here Daniel. I'm here for you. You can relax now. You're safe. You're safe now."

Daniel again tossed his head releasing a quavering, choked gasp to the night air as he reflexively tightened his hold on the man he needed so desperately. Jack felt a sudden aching in his heart. Daniel seemed so upset and so disturbed. He continued to stroke the man's hair urging him to relax; to settle down and rest but his crooning didn't seem to be getting through. When Daniel released a choked sob to the air Jack could no longer stand it. He continued speaking to Daniel and carefully eased his arms around the man pulling him so close against him, offering him safety in his embrace. At first Daniel started to buck and wiggle rapidly saying no over and over again and asking him not to touch him. He refused to yield the hold sensing that Daniel needed this. He only tightened his hold around his restless lover still crooning softly in his ear. He tensed as Daniel's next words drove a knife into his heart and made all his fears come true, "No, no. Please, My Lord, don't touch me. Don't, My Lord, no... Can't, no. Jack help...Jack...My Lord NO!"

He clenched his eyes tightly shut against the sudden tears that wanted to flow. He had sensed that Daniel did more for his lord than just serve his basic needs. He sensed that there was a bit of sexual submission involved and as Daniel spoke those words his suspicions were confirmed. He not only served his lord during the day but he served him at night in the bedroom...God Danny no. No. What the hell did he make you do for him? He shook his head sadly before returning his focus back to reassuring his lover that he was home and he was safe. As he leaned down and pressed a tender kiss to Daniel's forehead he was rewarded by his lover beginning to calm and drift towards deeper sleep. He continued raining kisses on the top of Daniel's head and across his face smiling as Daniel settled against him and his sleep again drew deep. When he was certain that the man was calmed he closed his eyes thinking about what his mutterings meant and feeling ill as he could only guess what sexual services the Goa'uld lord might have requested of his servant.

* * * *

The Following Afternoon...

Jack went searching for his lover wondering where he was. He had searched the house feeling a sudden unease fill him. God what if it had really been a dream after all and Daniel wasn't...no, no, NO! He was here. He was! He shook his head silencing the taunting thoughts that kept telling him Daniel's return had all been a dream. Oh God, oh God no! He couldn't handle that. He just couldn't! His search became more desperate as he walked through the house at a brisk pace prepared to scream Daniel's name as his anxiety built.

He drew to a halt at their bedroom door aware that his heart was now hammering in his chest. As he raked his eyes around the room he saw Daniel's clothes from this morning tossed on a chair. As he stared at those clothes he felt his pulse slowing and could hear his panicked breath beginning to calm. Daniel was here...somewhere. Those were his clothes, so he had to be here. He thought over where he had looked already realizing that there was one place he had failed to check before his fear nearly crushed him: the backyard. Could Daniel be in the backyard and if so why? What sent Daniel outside? He drew in a deep calming breath before heading downstairs to investigate.

As he stepped onto the back porch he felt his heart fluttering in his chest when he focused on his lover sitting on one of the benches gazing ahead of him. Thank God. Thank you for letting him still be here and safe. Thank heavens. As he drew to a halt behind Daniel he quietly greeted, "Hey."

"Hey."

"How are you Daniel?"

"Hmm fine, fine..."

Jack questioned in concern, "What are you doing out here?" and silence answered his inquiry. Daniel only continued to stare out across the yard saying nothing. He decided to give him some company and carefully eased down onto the bench beside him uncertain of just how his lover would react to their close proximity and knowing many things were going to prove very difficult for him in the coming months. He was determined to remain by Daniel's side the entire way no matter what it took to do so.

They sat in silence for several long minutes. Jack watched Daniel gazing across the yard saying nothing and allowing silence to settle down between them. He then turned to cast his gaze in the same direction as Daniel's feeling the tension building but refusing to let it drive a wedge between them. The silence stretched on for several more moments before Daniel spoke, "I missed the outdoors."

"What?"

Daniel raised his hand gesturing about them as he continued, "Being outside... I missed being outside."

Jack tensed sensing that Daniel was about to tell him something of what his life had been like during the past year. He waited quietly urging Daniel to continue and soon Daniel complied as if he had heard that silent plea, "Do you know how it feels not to see the sun, Jack? Not to feel the wind blowing through your hair or the grass beneath your feet? Do you know how it feels to be kept in the dark, banned from the outside world, forbidden to look upon nature...? Do you have any idea how hard that is?"

He tensed knowing all too well just how that felt after his time spent in Iraq. He had been kept in darkness for many weeks and it nearly drove him insane. He felt his heart aching for Daniel. Had Daniel been locked in a cell or just denied the right to go outside? He wondered what had happened to his lover and simply nodded his head answering Daniel's question truthfully, "Yes I do."

Daniel turned to gaze at Jack noticing that he didn't turn to look at him and feeling a deeper understanding and kinship with Jack then he had before. Yes, here sat someone who knew what life as a prisoner meant, who knew what happened to a person held in captivity... But instead of feeling comforted by that knowledge he only felt guiltier because he could only begin to imagine just how hard life would be for Jack now living with someone who had endured a similar experience. Casting those worries and concerns temporarily aside Daniel nodded before saying, "I suppose you do..."

He fell silent casting his gaze into the distance allowing silence to again fall and stretch between them before he lowered it to his lap revealing, "For several months he denied me, Jack...kept me locked up...afraid I'd run I guess. He kept me locked up in my gilded cage... To be denied such a simple thing...God Jack I was forbidden to leave the palace, even with a guard. He refused, flat out refused to allow me that privilege. He kept me chained to his side, Jack...literally chained. I had to go everywhere with him..." Daniel fell silent again pausing as if to gain strength to continue.

Jack turned to Daniel noticing how the man now hung his head staring at the tightly clenched fists in his lap. He shook his head feeling Daniel's suffering flowing over him. He had been denied the right to go outside? Why? What purpose did that serve? Of course he already knew the answer to that question...control, to gain control and to break him. Had he also been chained and locked in a dungeon? Is that why he responded so eagerly to Osiris' touch yesterday because the Goa'uld lord cut him off from everything? He shuddered hoping, praying that Daniel hadn't had to live like that. Just how had Daniel lived? How had he existed on that planet? How had he survived from day to day? How?

Daniel swallowed hard before continuing, "You know it's funny how much you take things for granted until you no longer have them..." He raised his head slightly before pushing his glasses back up against his face noticing how strange that felt as well. He hadn't worn his glasses in so very long that he had grown used to his blurry, somewhat hazy vision. He then lowered his hand back to his lap continuing, "I took things for granted, Jack. I never, I don't know, I guess...I...I never really thought about it, you know, about how lucky we are. It never really crossed my mind..." He released a soft sarcastic chuckle before cocking his head slightly to the left still focusing just passed his knees. He sighed heavily before adding, "I don't know, Jack... We take so much for granted, so much. Why do we do that Jack?"

As Daniel turned his face towards him all he could do was glance at his lover before shaking his head and replying, "I don't know, Daniel. I don't know."

"Yeah neither do I... Do you think...do you...? What makes us do that? What makes us forget and...?" He shook his head again uncertain of what he wanted to say and choosing to settle on a long ago memory of those first few weeks on Bursiris before speaking again, "I don't think he knew... I, I don't think he realized how desperately I needed to be free. How desperately I needed to be independent. I don't think he really understood that need at all... He restricted everything you know, everything. I couldn't do anything without seeking his permission first... I never asked either. I refused to ask for anything because I knew, I knew that was what he wanted me to do, so I held back, kept silent and didn't say anything... I was a good slave, Jack. I learned to be a good slave. I learned to serve him, to obey him, to submit to him... I learned and I never forgot, still can't forget what I am to him, what I was to him. I learned to serve my master well. I learned how to place my needs, my wants and my life second to his, you know. I learned that what I wanted, what I needed was no longer important...learned it so well Jack, so well but you don't want to hear that, about that, do you Jack?"

He swallowed hard before answering, "Yes Daniel I do."

Daniel gasped and jerked his head up focusing on Jack looking at him in confusion and uncertainty, looking at him with surprise, looking at him as if he was only now realizing that he wasn't alone out here. He held his gaze for only a few scant seconds before turning away and laughing nervously.

Jack automatically reached out grasping Daniel's left hand in his own and softly uttering his name. Daniel's response was automatic as he yanked his hand free before staring wild eyed at him and muttering, "Don't...don't do that Jack. Don't..."

"Daniel..."

"Jack..."

"What's wrong? Why are you...?"

"Here? I'm here aren't I? Why am... Because, because you, you came, you came for me. I...I gave up...was ready to give up but...but..."

"Daniel, why did he let you go? How did you convince him to...?"

"No, no, no, no I didn't, didn't convince him of anything. He...he decided. He, he, he released me Jack. Told me I could go, that I was never happy with him. He...he just...he sent me away, gave me back. I...I had nothing to do with that decision, nothing. It was all him, all him Jack."

"But why? Why Daniel? Why did he let you go?"

"Because...because...well...um, he knew...he knew what I wanted and so he, he granted it."

"He granted it?"

Daniel again focused his gaze across the yard as he simply said, "I really missed this, Jack. I was so happy when he finally let me into the gardens. I loved those gardens... You know we ought to turn this yard into a garden too, Jack. We ought to. We really ought to you know."

He continued to silently observe Daniel all too aware that he had effectively directed the conversation away from his inquiries. He knew that getting Daniel to discuss certain things would take a long time and instead of arguing or spending all evening fencing with his lover he chose to pursue his present topic of conversation, "A garden Daniel? Here?"

"Yeah..."

He smiled as he heard the slightest hint of happiness in that voice he had missed for so very long and found himself quickly responding, "We can do that."

"Yeah, a garden with roses and...and... I...I like roses Jack...small dainty roses, red ones that are closed then begin to open. Roses, I like roses."

He continued to watch Daniel noticing the sudden sadness within him tinged by an edge of delight. Roses? His lover liked roses...since when? But he sensed that roses meant more to Daniel then he knew. He couldn't help but wonder if Daniel's sudden penchant for small dainty red roses didn't occur while he was held captive. He cleared his throat before gently prodding, "Why roses, Daniel?"

He shrugged his shoulders speaking in a singsong tone of voice that was much higher pitched than normal, "Oh I don't know. I just like them Jack. I just like them."

Oh yes he was now certain that red roses meant something to Daniel, represented something to him...

As if he had heard the gears grinding in his lover's brain Daniel smiled, a ghost of a smile, before adding, "They're so pretty Jack."

Pretty? Since when did Daniel use words such as pretty? Pretty? They were pretty? What?

"So delicate, so small, so fragile, so...so..." Daniel rose abruptly to his feet preparing to walk away as he continued in a choked voice full of sorrow, "So silky, so innocent, so beautiful, so...so...so perfect, so...so pure..."

He watched Daniel as his whole countenance suddenly crumpled. His shoulders drooped, his head dropped and he seemed to be wilting before him. Sensing his lover's deep despair he quickly rose to his feet and approached Daniel carefully placing his hands on each of the man's shoulders expecting him to run, to flee and shocked when Daniel only jerked around to face him before launching himself against his chest and burying his face in the crook of his arm. He didn't know how to react at first stunned by Daniel's unexpected actions but soon he wrapped his arms around Daniel frowning when he felt the shudders that seemed to be wracking his thin wiry frame. They stood like that as minutes turned into hours. Him holding Daniel close while Daniel quivered in his embrace as if he were freezing.

As the sun lowered in the sky he knew that they had to go inside. It was already growing colder and soon they would both be shivering from the chilly night air so he gently urged, "Daniel, Daniel we need to go inside. The sun's going down and the temperature's dropping...we have to get inside you hear?"

Daniel nodded but made no attempt to comply with the soft command so Jack tried again, "Come on, Daniel, what say you and I go inside and get warm, uh? I'll start a fire in the fireplace and we can just sit on the floor and relax. Would you like that, Daniel?"

As memories of the intimate moments he and Jack had shared before that fireplace in the past filled his mind he quickly found that he wanted to do just that. He looked up at Jack managing a half smile as he softly answered, "Yeah...yes, Jack, I would. Can we go inside now? Please?"

"We sure can, Daniel. We sure can."

Together they entered the house and as promised Jack started a fire for them both urging Daniel to settle down and try to eat something while he waited. Once the fire was going well he glanced at his lover noticing that Daniel had barely touched any of his food. He frowned in response to that observation. Daniel quickly offered him a small shy smile before shrugging his shoulders and saying, "I...I wasn't hungry. I tried though...I tried. Honest. I just...I'm, I'm not hungry. Really."

"Okay Daniel okay then let's go sit by the fire what do you say?"

He simply nodded allowing Jack to lead him to the fireplace by his hand before settling on the floor and permitting himself the right to lean against his lover for support feeling a bit nervous when he did so without seeking approval first.

Next:

TO LOVE AND TO HONOR

Feedback to: bluebirdstears@yahoo.com

Back

Parts Index

Slash Fiction Index

Home

Copyright©2004-2008 Midnightstorms.net

All Rights Reserved.