Personal Sacrifice Part 14
By:
Stacy L.
STRUGGLING TO COMPLY
Journal Entry:
Have you ever wanted to disappear, Jack? Make yourself
invisible? Make
yourself so small that
you won't be noticed by anyone? Have you ever tried
to make yourself look
less appealing? Have you ever tried to make yourself
vanish? I have. I've
tried so many times to discourage him, to turn him
off
...doesn't work, Jack...none of it ever works. I can't make myself less
appealing because he
orders me to bathe, orders me to be pleasing in
appearance as well as
deportment. I hide from him sometimes, but he always
finds me and if he can't
he'll send a servant in search of me. If they can't find
me then all he has to do
is turn on the tracking device in my collar, which leads
him right to me. I have
nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, nowhere to run. If I
refuse to attend to my
appearance he will demand Zeenan do so for me, Zeenan
or another.
I once became so depressed that I sat in the bath for
hours on end ...didn't wash
my hair or wash my
body...just sat there staring at the bubbles churning around
me. He grew impatient
with me and ordered a guard to join him. Together they
entered the bathhouse and
Osiris ordered the guard to physically restrain me
while he took it upon
himself to bathe me. I fought...fought desperately and
earned myself a nice
humiliating punishment. After I was bathed by My Lord I
was dried and escorted
into the bedchamber. He called a second guard and
watched as they secured
me to a chair in the room...secured naked...and well,
let's just say Osiris didn't give a shit about my modesty or my privacy
that
night... I'll never
forget the humiliation and degradation I felt being secured in
that chair in such a
way... He then helped himself to me... declaring that I
needed a...I would be
inspected...for cleanliness. I wanted to die. His treatment
of me that evening taught
me that I could never ignore my appearance...ever. I
quickly learned the
penalty of refusing my lord on such an issue, learned never
to do it again...but I
still wanted, still want to disappear...
Do you know how desperately I want to vanish
Jack? I just want the sexual
demands to stop. It's
never enough Jack...nothing is ever enough for him. He has
a very veracious
appetite. He's always demanding services, always. I want to
disappear, Jack, to
become totally numb, totally closed off, shut down... I want to
enter that subspace that
one slips into when the pain and suffering becomes too
extreme, that place where
you no longer feel, no longer are there in the room
being used as if you were
some cheap whore being paid for services.
Disassociation... I've gotten so good at it Jack. I shut
down mentally and forget
what I'm doing and what's
being done to me. Sometimes it's so scary to feel myself
shut down like that, to
not be able to recall what has been happening to me over
the course of the last
few minutes or hours.
I now let my mind wander forcing myself to think of
things...anything to keep from
disassociating
completely. I allow my thoughts to jump from one topic to the next
and the next keeping my
mind busy as he does things to me. I still want to become
totally numb and closed
off but doing that scares me because what if I shut down
and can't seem to return
to myself? I also hate the not knowing...I know he's doing
so many things to me, to
my body; things I don't even want to remember but it
bothers me immensely to
have NO knowledge of what he's been doing to me for
the last several minutes
or hours. I don't really want to be present, but I want to
be aware enough that I
have an idea of what he's doing. It's really frightening to
know that I can become so
lost in my mental safe haven that I have no knowledge
or memory of what has been transpiring in that length of
time...
Sometimes I feel as if I'm flying... I hate that
feeling...that's when the pain and
the pleasure are so
intense that I become over-stimulated, pumped full of
endorphins... I come to a
point where I can't move. I can hear his voice as he
speaks to me, feel his
hands upon my burning flesh, feel the intensity within my
body, the overwhelming
hunger... That's even scarier than disassociation Jack,
so much scarier to know
that he can push me into a state of consciousness like
that. One where I no longer feel pain only
pleasure... The stimulation is so
intense that all I feel
is this extreme ecstasy. When he pushes me to that point
my mouth just can't work
right. I try to speak but... I'm gone, almost like I'm
drunk. It's so goddamned
scary Jack...so scary! That's a risk I take when I use
disassociation as a
coping skill...
I risk the chance of becoming high off endorphins...or
becoming so far gone that
I don't want to return...ever.
End of Journal Entry
He stopped mid-way into the room becoming very anxious when he saw the hunger, the desire in his lord for him. Oh God no. No, no, no. He couldn't do this, not yet. Osiris chose that moment to interrupt, "Come Daniel, come to bed. Please."
He nervously clenched and unclenched his fists finding that it was a struggle to actually focus on the phoenix lord. He didn't want to approach knowing all too well just what Osiris had in mind for tonight's entertainment, but he found himself moving automatically. He approached Osiris before muttering, "Yes My Lord. How...how may I serve you this night?"
Osiris cocked his head to the side before reaching up to brush a hand across his left cheek and answering, "How are you this night, my precious?"
"Um, I'm...I'm fine...fine."
"No, no you are not. Tell me why are you so upset?"
“I'm not upset. I'm not."
"Then why do you pull from me? Why do you cringe when I touch you? Why will you not openly accept me? I have a desire to mate with you this evening, yet I sense that you are not willing..."
When have I ever been willing, My Lord? He jerked his head up in shock fearing that he spoke that thought aloud. As he focused on Osiris he didn't see anger or surprise there. In fact, he was rather certain his comment remained unvoiced. Oh thank God for that! The last thing he needed was to deal with Osiris' aggressive side.
He frowned when Osiris further inquired, "Are you willing, my precious Daniel? Are you willing to please your lord this night?"
His mind screamed a definite no, but already he was moving to comply placing himself on his back in the center of their bed before grabbing a handful of the material he now lay prone upon. He sucked in his bottom lip beginning to nervously nibble on it awaiting his lord feeling very afraid and nervous. It had been several weeks since they made love, several weeks since Osiris demanded he serve in bed. He knew part of the reason was because Osiris was still upset about exposing him to Lord Chandra. He knew that what he had done was wrong, so he was hesitant to demand services. The times they had sex since those events on Mandara usually ended with him withdrawing after offering his body and allowing his mind to drift away. He knew that he wasn't giving Osiris everything he demanded but the Goa'uld lord didn't push the matter.
He was very afraid about having intercourse with Osiris again this night but couldn't deny the burning desire already accumulating within. He couldn't stop his legs from drifting lazily apart as he carefully removed his robe, and he couldn't ignore the way Osiris ogled his now naked body with intense need and a veracious appetite. Osiris wanted him and God forgive him but he wanted Osiris. He wanted him desperately. His body ached for his burning touch, his intoxicating kisses, his warm silky body rubbing against him... He desperately yearned for that mouth to take him deep within, to feel Sarah's warm moistness encompass him, to feel those blessed spasms of her vaginal muscles as they contracted and squeezed to draw him in deeper... God he needed Osiris, needed him, craved him, hungered for him...burned for him and as Osiris carefully straddled his hips he released a soft moan of pleasure already thrusting his now hard dick up into her seeping wetness feeling a desperate ache consume him.
He grabbed handfuls of the comforter beneath him gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. He tried to resist, tried to fight his burning needs, tried to refuse the Goa'uld lord and tried so hard to dampen his own desires but he realized that the battle was useless for he was quickly becoming consumed by overwhelming need and hunger...
* * * * * *
Jack O'Neill had sworn to his friends that he was doing well, but he had lied. Oh how he had lied to them, had lied straight to their faces. And why had he done that? Why had he lied to them? Because he knew that they were worried and concerned, knew they'd soon insist he see a psychiatrist, knew they'd pick up their suicide watch yet again, knew he'd never get any privacy so he'd lied. He'd lied to them convincing them that though he missed Daniel so very much he had learned to accept his lover's absence in his life. He had lied so easily, so convincingly that no one had bothered to question him further, but what he said was so very far from the truth because as long as Daniel was gone from his life he was anything BUT fine.
It hurt so badly to watch them slowly give up all hope. One by one the members of the SGC surrendered to fate, believing that Daniel Jackson would never return home again. Their hopes died and turned into pity: pity for him and the members of his team, pity for Doctor Fraiser and General Hammond who flat out REFUSED to accept that Daniel was gone and pity for anyone else who still dared believe that there was a chance that he would one day return and reclaim his place on SG-1 and at the SGC.
Life went on as usual and things returned to normal, except that every night before leaving the mountain and every morning Hammond would again order the address for Daniel's prison to be dialed over and over hoping that sometime, some day, somehow they could establish a connection and mount a long overdue rescue. And though General Hammond grew more and more disheartened each day, he refused to give up on any chance that they might be able to find their missing member and bring him back where he belonged, bring him back home.
Hammond refused to give up, and when people made negative comments about his prize team or said that Daniel Jackson was gone he was quick to silence them. Giving them reminders that they needed to watch what they said and how they said it. Hammond was a good man, and it made Jack feel so much better knowing that the General refused to accept Daniel's disappearance so easily. Thank heavens the General continued to dial that planet because he knew, he felt deep down inside that one day they would connect with that planet and one day they would be able to surmount a rescue to bring Daniel Jackson back home where he belonged!
* * * * * *
Osiris watched his servant as he lay before him sprawled out across their bed completely naked and gripping the comforter beneath him. He sat perched upon Daniel, straddling his hips, feeling that hard firm cock pressing up against him causing Sarah's body to respond to the stimulation by offering slick lubrication in the form of her sweet juices for their soon-to-be coupling. They were so ready to take their precious slave to the verge of ecstasy and beyond. They were so very ready for him and he for them, but Osiris was disturbed for he sensed that Daniel still was not giving his all. The events on Mandara were still fresh in their minds, as well as Daniel's, and he knew that was why he felt so confused.
He shook his head leaning forward to press a light kiss to Daniel's lips. He kissed Daniel several times before softly questioning, "What can I do to help you through this Daniel?"
"Wha...what My Lord?" Shit what the hell was Osiris saying? He was so caught up in the heat of the moment needing so desperately to thrust into that inviting cavern of silky slicked heat that he could no longer think clearly. All he wanted to do was fuck her, fuck it to his heart's content. He needed to do so again, feeling desperate as he ached to be satisfied and ached to feel again. He attempted to focus on Osiris trying to make sense of his question knowing that he had to obey. His duty was to comply with his lord's desire, and he was ready to do as was expected of him.
As he gazed at his master Osiris again questioned, "What can I do to help you through this, my precious one?"
"Master...Master please..."
"Yes Daniel?"
"Please, Master, I beg of you please fuck me. Please Master, I beg of you..."
Osiris frowned as he pressed a hand gently across Daniel's lips hushing him before informing, "Daniel I do not want to do this if you are not yet..."
Without thought Daniel thrust his hips violently upwards closing his eyes in pleasure as he lodged his dick in her sweet crevice, still not penetrating but closer than he had been. Osiris gasped in surprise and moaned as he could feel the head of Daniel's penis attempting to breach his inner core. He forced his eyes open determined to stop Daniel if he could go no further uttering, "Daniel please..."
Daniel taking that as permission to continue released the comforter and planted his hands firmly on Osiris' hips anchoring him before thrusting upward and burying himself within his lord. Osiris squealed in delight momentarily forgetting why he wanted Daniel to stop this, but as his servant began to thrust he quickly joined the man riding him to the pinnacle of euphoria until they both came powerfully before collapsing in a pile of heavy breathing and gasping.
When they both regained their breathing Osiris asked his question again, "What can I do to help you, Daniel?"
Daniel responded with confusion, "Help me, My Lord?"
Osiris nodded before continuing "You are holding back from me, from us..."
"I'm... After what...you think...?"
"No, no, no my precious. No you were wonderful, but you have not been giving..."
Daniel felt angry and outraged. He had again given his body willingly to his lord and Osiris was complaining that he was holding back after what they'd just done? He glared at the Goa'uld lord snapping, "What? Would you like me to beg better, to fuck better, WHAT?"
"No, Daniel, no..."
He continued to allow his anger to build now practically yelling at Osiris, "Crawl, you want me to CRAWL for you, My Lord?"
Osiris shook his head saddened that Daniel was misunderstanding his concern and accusing him of wanting things he did not ask for, "No Daniel..."
"Tell me."
Feeling his own rage surmount at his servant for daring to believe that he was demanding more after what they had just shared Osiris yelled, "DANIEL YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!"
Daniel's anger quickly fell by the wayside as shame swamped him when he suddenly began to realize that he had so eagerly met his lord's thrusts. Hell, he even initiated the damned intercourse. God, oh God no! He began to panic as confusion and disgust filled him, making him suddenly anxious. He had to leave. He had to get away. He had to think. As confusion continued to stalk him he quickly demanded, "Get off of me."
"Daniel, listen..."
"GET OFF!"
Osiris sighed before easing off of Daniel. As Daniel sat up he grasped the man's hand in his own continuing, "Daniel, we must talk of what has been happening to you. We must discuss Mandara."
"I don't want...I don't want to discuss Mandara, My Lord. I want, I need... I need to be alone. Please?"
"But Daniel..."
"Please, My Lord, don't...don't make me beg you. Please, My Lord, don't make me beg."
Osiris sighed again as he gently cupped Daniel's left cheek in the palm of his hand. He then said, "We do not like to see you so sad, so confused, so uncertain and so afraid Daniel. If... I should have never requested you serve me this night, for you are not yet ready. You may go, Daniel. I will grant you time alone, time you seem to be in desperate need of."
"Thank, thank you My Lord."
Osiris reached up to press a tender kiss to Daniel's forehead. He then pulled back continuing "Please do not hesitate to speak when you do not wish to comply. We have discussed this before, Daniel. I will not grow angry with you on such a matter, my precious one."
"My Lord please..."
Osiris nodded before adding "I will send Zeenan to check on you in a little while. You may go. We will wait for you."
"I...I know My Lord."
"Do not stay away too long for you must rest."
"Yes My Lord."
Osiris nodded again watching as Daniel grabbed his robe and quickly put it on before running from the room as if he were being chased. He sighed again and hung his head feeling overwhelmingly sad and upset knowing that Daniel was running like that to get away from him. He had made a mistake again, and Daniel was not handling things very well.
'An apology will go a long way, My Lord.'
"Sarah..."
'Yes... Apologize to him for what happened on Mandara.'
"No Sarah I... I cannot. No."
'You can apologize to me, yet you find that you cannot do the same for Daniel? Why? Why do you always hesitate to do what is right by him Osiris? Why can you not just go to him and apologize?'
"I have done him a grave injustice..."
'You did the same to me. Yet you can apologize to me but refuse to offer Daniel the same. Why? He forgives easily, though he will struggle with acceptance. He will accept your apology. You cannot continue to behave as if nothing happened on that planet. You can't pretend that an apology won't help. It will. You just have to extend it to him. Trust him, My Lord. You must apologize.'
"I...I cannot."
'You have no choice, My Lord. You must apologize.'
"I am going to check on my favored."
'My Lord do not disturb him...'
"I do not plan to upset him further, Sarah. I simply want to make certain that he will be all right."
'Then let us go, but don't disturb him. He needs time alone, My Lord. He is very confused right now and is in need of some patience and understanding.'
"Yes, Sarah, I know."
They exited the bedchamber heading for the garden. Sarah shook her head in frustration, upset with Osiris. Why did he refuse to apologize to Daniel when he hurt him or upset him? Why couldn't he apologize for wrongdoings? What was so difficult about offering a simple apology? She shook her head in annoyance but she knew, she knew better than anyone just how hard it was to apologize to someone once you have wronged them. It was one of the hardest things to do and it took a lot of courage to be able to go up to someone you had hurt and apologize. Apologies were sometimes harder than forgiveness. Often an apology would not solve the problem but it was a start. Apologizing was better than pretending that something did not matter when it was so very obvious that it did. She would have to convince Osiris of that and convince him to offer Daniel an apology. He had wronged them both, but the least he could do was say that he was sorry and that he had made a mistake. Sometimes simply admitting that you were in the wrong helped someone you hurt more than you could ever realize.
* * * *
Zeenan searched for Daniel now worried even more for the man. He checked every location he would normally run to, growing more and more anxious when he couldn't locate his friend. He stopped as he entered the gardens seeing Daniel standing at the rose bush that always seemed to hold his attention. He quietly approached the man not speaking at first, but then he questioned, "Daniel, are you all right?"
Daniel said nothing only leaned forward closing his eyes as he inhaled the sweet aroma of a single red rose. Zeenan was unsure of what to do. Should he go or should he stay? He took a step towards Daniel waiting for a response, any response from the man. When none was forthcoming he spoke quietly, "You are upset. Why?"
Still no answer came. Daniel continued to act as if he had no knowledge that Zeenan was now with him. The silence hurt more than anything. He took another step towards Daniel feeling his silence fall like a shroud around him. Why was he remaining so quiet? Why wasn't he answering? Why? Zeenan didn't know what to do. He was trapped in endless indecision. He tried another approach, "It is not your fault, none of this is your fault my friend. I ask you again why are you so hard on yourself? Why?"
Zeenan became sadder as Daniel still refused to speak. Perhaps, perhaps Daniel was truly lost. Perhaps there was nothing he could do to help the man. He turned to leave deciding to grant Daniel the solace he ran here to obtain when Daniel spoke softly, "What does one do when they are lost, Zeenan? How...? I...I miss him..."
He focused on Daniel once more knowing that the man was uncertain of what he even wanted to say. Somehow the conversation turned to the issue of a certain Colonel who was millions of miles away. Zeenan knew that Daniel wanted to talk of how he was feeling, but all he could put into words was how he missed the one man that could save him. Zeenan approached placing his hands gently on each of Daniel's shoulders, trying to offer comfort in touch. He wasn't even sure of what to say to Daniel. All he knew was that the man needed to talk about something. All he could muster was a simple, "I know that you do."
"I...I don't know why I'm here. I..."
"Perhaps you needed some time alone to think. Perhaps you simply needed time away from our lord."
"I...I...I don't really know what I want..." He laughed sarcastically as he continued, "Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. I let him do it again. I...I don't know why I...I couldn't help myself... I allowed him to...to...humiliate me again. Why does he...why does he do it, Zeenan?"
"Do what, young one?"
“Be gentle then turn around and hur...hurt me? I...I...it's hard enough to allow my body to feel anything other than despair anymore and I...I surrender to the pleasure but...but after...after he always hurts me...why?"
"You do not enjoy the times you spend with our lord though you have trained yourself to feel only when you are performing for him. You have trained yourself to enjoy what he does to you, to draw pleasure from those things, for it is the only way you can cope with the wrong he does to you on a daily basis..."
"I hate the games, Zeenan. I hate his games. I hate the way he has to end something that's so hard for me to do with pain, humiliation or degradation. He...he is gentle, tender, even...even loving, but he...he always has to hurt...to humiliate. Why? Why can't he just make love to me then hold me until morning and show me respect the following day? Why does he force me to...to kneel for him, to bow for him, to crawl for him? Why...why does he...use sex as...as a weapon?"
"A weapon?"
"Yes as a two-edged sword: taking his pleasure, forcing me to feel, to enjoy then...then trampling me into the dirt and treating me as one would his dirty whore. Then...then he expects me to...to respect him? I can't respect someone who takes and takes for himself but...but can't respect the one he claims to love... He forces me to make all of these sacrifices for his pleasure. He claims to provide me with pleasure, but then he takes an already dirty act and sullies it further."
"How do you feel, Daniel?"
"How do I...what does that...?"
"Just tell me how do you feel?"
Daniel fell silent but Zeenan refused to leave waiting for the man's answer, which came as a choked whisper, "Like I'm trash, Zeenan. Like I'm...I'm filthy, unlovable...pathetic. I mean...I mean look at me. He probably laughs at me. He probably laughs at his whore...yeah look at the poor slut who can't feel a damned thing unless he's being fucked or returning the favor. Look at how he begs for sex because he can't feel unless he's fucking his damned head off. Look at the poor slave who only knows how to put out... He ordered me to fuck him in public, Zeenan...before a system lord for entertainment. He ordered me to...to service another and for my refusal he allowed the system lord to determine my punishment. He allowed him to...to assault me while he watched. He said he would protect me. You both said that you would protect me, Zeenan. You both promised me that after Dionysus you'd protect me and never allow another to harm me. You lied. You both lied."
Daniel turned to face Zeenan with tears piercing his eyes as he continued, "You lied...and I, I'm left to retrieve the shattered pieces of what remains of this dying soul. I...I can't take it anymore. I...I just want to...to die again, but you took the knife that could grant me my freedom. You preached to me about how death is no answer but it is, Zeenan, it is. Death is the only answer for me. I was already tainted, already soiled when he destroyed Alandria to force me to submit completely to him. You know how hard it is knowing I'm betraying Jack, to know I continue to betray him, but...but I'm just a slave to you. I'm just a slave and I'm just Osiris' precious fuck toy. He offered me to another because he wanted a weapon of mass destruction and he claims to love me? He sure as hell has a funny way of showing it. He offered me to another, allowed another to paw at me, to touch me. He laughed as my body responded to another's touch, laughed even while I was dying inside, even while I felt as if I were trapped on Dionysus' planet all over again... I fuckin' panicked and all he did was laugh and mock me. He didn't stop the examination until I became unresponsive, until I couldn't breathe and even then it was Sarah who came to me. It was Sarah for Osiris...he shrank away from me. He...then you have the nerve to ask me why the hell I want to die? Why the hell wouldn't I? I have nothing to live for! NOTHING!"
Zeenan wrapped his arms around Daniel as the man gave in to tears. He held him close then said "Had I known our lord did such a horrid thing to you I would have stopped him, young one. He dispatched me to deal with a problem on one of our planets. I was certain that you would be safe with him. I was certain that he would not do such a thing to one he claims to love so deeply. He is most foolish daring to throw away such a precious person."
Zeenan continued to hold Daniel feeling his rage towards Osiris build. He would have a talk with his lord soon, and he would get answers.
Osiris stood in the shadows feeling the guilt still filling him after what he had put his favored through. He still did not understand why he had done what he had to the man. As he heard the pain and suffering his favored now felt he realized what a horrible mistake he had made. He hung his head and turned to leave allowing his favored to draw comfort in another man's arms. Sarah spoke then saying, "I warned you of how this would harm him, but you shut me out. You have such anger in you. I warned you even while you ordered Daniel to service another. Betrayal is one of the hardest things for him to deal with. I told you of that before. Nothing hurts him more than betrayal...or hurt being unjustly done to others. You promised him he would be safe, and you went back on that promise. What little trust you had from him is now destroyed, and all you have left is your guilt and the man you claim to love unconsciously cringing from you every time you dare to touch him. His nightmares have returned as well. They are worse than before. You brought his memories of that horrible assault back when you allowed another Goa'uld lord to maul him and take from him that which he struggles to give to you. I don't understand what goes through your mind sometimes, Osiris...and he is right...every time you make love to him or require a service from him you humiliate him in the end."
"No, I do not."
"Kneel forward, plead for forgiveness...crawl for your lord, very good dog...you serve your master well, my pet...need I go on? You insult him any chance you get and after he struggles so hard to service you. You are still destroying him, Osiris. Soon you will kill him. As you have heard Daniel has already considered suicide and possibly has attempted to do so multiple times. You push and push and push. When you get what you desire you are never satisfied so you push some more. You orchestrate your own destruction, and you push him closer to despair. Why? Why must you always test, always push, always go that little step further? Why?"
Osiris sighed loudly for he had no answer for her many questions all he could say was, "I do not know."
Sarah swallowed hard shaking her head as she heard Daniel's soft quiet sobs even here. He was one who didn't like to let others in, to let others see the depths of his feelings but he was becoming tired and worn. He was becoming weary for the walls of his prison only continued to close in around him blocking out his hope, snuffing it out like one would a candle. She already sensed that he believed he would never be free again. He was certain that Jack O'Neill, that his friends, had given up all hope on him, for his absence has been so very long. She knew part of the reason he now struggled so hard was because his hope was faltering. He was beginning to accept that he was Osiris' favored, would be for the rest of his life, and as he accepted that title, accepted that he would never be free his spirit was crumpling and shuddering under the assault. He couldn't handle spending the rest of his days as a slave, and she now knew what had to be done, but would Osiris ever find enough strength, enough love in his heart to willingly give Daniel Jackson his freedom? Could he actually order that shield around the Stargate to be deactivated?
She knew her answer and it saddened her greatly for she knew what the answer meant for Daniel. He would continue to serve. He would continue to lose himself, and he would continue to disappear. He would become that which Osiris desired and craved, but upon that final surrender he would lose a part of himself, of his precious soul that he might never be able to retrieve again and with that loss even if freedom was granted him he would never be whole again until that piece was retrieved and given back to him. She only hoped that if that did happen, and he was returned that Daniel's Jack would have the strength, the courage, that unconditional love for the one who missed him desperately and that he would be able to face the demons of hell to put one precious man back together again. If he had none of those things then she feared that Daniel Jackson would never heal or recover the lost remnants of his soul. If Jack O'Neill failed then Daniel Jackson would be forever lost.
* * * * * *
Osiris continued to pace knowing he had to speak to Daniel, knowing he had to apologize to Daniel but very uncertain as to how his apology would even be received, for it was long overdue. He inhaled another shaky breath as he reached nervously for the door knowing that Daniel was on the other side. He was supposed to be sleeping, but Osiris knew that he wasn't. He could hear Daniel's incessant pacing even from the throne room...back and forth, back and forth...just one means of comforting himself. As he opened the door he stopped to watch Daniel. He was indeed pacing. He had his arms crossed over his chest as if to ward off physical contact or to provide himself some form of self-comfort. His head was bowed and he was walking slowly, pacing and pacing...a definite indication that something was disturbing him.
Osiris swallowed hard before crossing the threshold into the room and closing the door behind him. Daniel didn't even react to the soft sound of the door shutting, but Osiris was certain he had heard it, and certain that he was no longer alone for his servant visibly tensed while still pacing back and forth in an endless circle. He turned as he lost his nerve certain that this was a mistake until a firm voice ordered, 'Speak to him. Tell him. Why now do you hesitate? LOOK at him...'
"Be silent."
'Don't continue to delay...'
Osiris clenched his hands into fists as he turned to focus on Daniel once again clearing his throat as he spoke quietly, "Daniel."
The man didn't even pause only continued to pace. He inhaled a shaky breath as he questioned his host, "How can I apologize to him if he will not give me the courtesy of looking at me, Sarah?"
'Apologize to him and stop stalling.'
"I do not stall..."
'You are stalling. Stop it and apologize to him.'
"I...I...I can't..."
'You are a fool...'
"I resent that little comment dear Sarah."
'Then prove to me that you aren't a fool and I'll apologize for the insult.'
"He...this is hopeless."
'I'm waiting...'
"Be silent."
'Chicken.'
Osiris shook his head wondering how he ever managed to find a host with such a sarcastic attitude. Sarah taunted, 'Just lucky I guess. Now stop stalling and do what you've come here to do.'
He placed his attention on his servant wanting to apologize, yet not knowing just how to do so. He tried to speak but halted. He found himself watching the man as he paced back and forth in an endless circle that was driving him crazy. He spoke without thought as he said, "Will you stop and listen to me for a moment? Please?"
Still Daniel continued to pace so Osiris quieted his voice further as he continued, "Daniel, please. I...I know that I have hurt you greatly by...by..."
"Selling me for a weapon?"
The voice was so soft, so low that Osiris was uncertain as to whether he had even heard the words. The only indication that Daniel had even spoken was the brief pause in his pacing. He lowered his head greatly saddened by the pain he caused the man. He tried again, "Daniel, this is not easy for me. I am trying to apologize; yet the correct words will not come to me. I have never had a need to apologize for my own actions. I know that an apology will not undo the pain and suffering I have brought you, but perhaps...perhaps it will help...a little."
Daniel's quiet whisper filled the room as he responded, "You promised me. You promised. You did then you... How could you break a promise? How? I...I can't even sleep now without seeing, without feeling as if I'm in that room... How could you do that to me? Why the hell do I even care what your answer will be? Go away. GO AWAY!"
"I will not."
"Why?"
Osiris moved closer to Daniel as he calmed his voice further saying, "Because you should not be alone, dear heart."
Dear heart? Dear heart? What the hell? Daniel shook his head only growing angrier the longer he remained. How could he...what the hell...how...? He jerked abruptly away from Osiris continuing to pace as his anger increased by the second. How could he even...how could...? He cast several glares towards the system lord wanting to yell and holler but remained silent. He...he...son of a bitch! Daniel suddenly turned on his heels and faced Osiris head on as he allowed his anger to put words in his mouth, "What...what kind of crap is that? You're sorry? Sorry for what? Ruining my life? Handing me to someone as if I were some cheap whore? Insulting me? Degrading me? Treating me as if I'm no better than dirt? What...just what in the hell are you sorry for? I mean nothing to you, NOTHING! I'm just your fuck toy...hey want a good time screw your fuckin' favored hell I'll bend over for you! Shit I'll even fuckin' kiss your ass if you command it of me. What the hell are you sorry for? You don't give a shit about me! All you care about is having a goddamned cheap easy fuckin' lay! Want me to lick your fuckin' boots for you bring them out give me a go at them. Hell I'm so damn cheap in your eyes that you were even willing to GIVE me to another so I could rock their fuckin' world. I may be your fuckin' bitch, I may be your fuckin' whore but you will never EVER force me to do to another what I am made to do to you. NEVER!"
"Daniel..."
"NO! NO! You promised! You fuckin' promised that I'd be safe, that I would never have to...never have to service another! You lied. YOU LIED! You allowed him to...to... You granted him permission to...to fondle me openly and you laughed; you laughed when I fuckin' panicked! You don't owe me shit! You don't owe me anything, but I thought you had enough decency in you to keep a damned promise you yourself made to me. You only proved to me something that I already knew: you don't give a shit about anyone. All you care about is yourself and your goddamned army! All you care about is conquering and destroying people! You're just like all the others! You think so little of me, of your fuckin' favored, that you were willing to throw your goddamned tramp to another! You didn't care that I was panicking! Hell, you didn't give a shit that as he touched me all I could think of was being pinned to the fuckin' floor and pawed at. You didn't care! You didn't pay attention! All I could do was panic as I found myself back on Dionysus' planet being fuckin' assaulted! I panicked and you laughed. You laughed at me! You knew...you knew what would happen and you didn't give a shit! I couldn't, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't fight...God I kept...I couldn't forget...now, now the nightmares are back and instead of the assaults ending where Zeenan saved me they continue and I get to see myself being fuckin' raped every which way in live techno color by those fuckin' bastards who attacked me. How could you...how could you do that to me? HOW?"
"Daniel...Daniel, I am very sorry..."
"Go to hell."
"Daniel."
"GO TO HELL!"
Daniel jerked his head up as the door to their room suddenly
flew open and stared into the worried face of Zeenan.
The
Osiris didn't even bother to turn. He was so determined to speak with Daniel and attempt to make amends for what he had done. He approached Daniel reaching up to brace his upper arms gently. Daniel shrieked and cringed as the faintest hint of panic flared up in the blue depths of his eyes. Osiris struggled to keep his voice as smooth and comforting as possible as he addressed Daniel, "My precious Daniel, what can I do to ever make up for the pain that I have put you through? I am so sorry I did not see that I was destroying your very soul by offering you to Lord Chandra. I was angry with you and allowed my anger to rule my thoughts and actions. I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. If I had only...if I had not been such a fool… I am sorry, my precious one. How can I ease the pain and suffering you are enduring because of my foolish actions? Please tell me how I can undo the pain I have brought you, dear one."
Daniel couldn't speak as Osiris' words stunned him. He froze in shock staring at Osiris unable to move or speak as he realized that Osiris was actually apologizing for what he had done. He couldn't believe that a Goa'uld lord was actually apologizing to a servant, a slave for wronging him. He didn't know how to react, what to say or what to do for he was so confused now. Osiris' actions took him by complete surprise stunning him for several long moments. The inconsistencies in Osiris' behavior both frightened him and intrigued him. He continued to focus on the phoenix lord not certain of how to react. Osiris should now be ordering his lashing for being so defiant and so disrespectful, yet here he stood with the Goa'uld lord who was speaking to him and holding him so gently as if he were fragile and would shatter at a moment's notice.
Daniel wasn't even sure how to behave. He glanced up at Zeenan casting him a look of complete confusion. Zeenan stepped towards him sensing that Daniel needed him to be close. As he examined Daniel from his vantage point at the door he became even more worried. He had heard raised voices and became fearful when the dominant voice was Daniel's. He didn't hesitate to make his way to his lord's bedchamber for he feared what Osiris would do to Daniel for being so defiant towards him. He was rather shocked when he entered to find the two facing off, both with unreadable expressions on their faces and neither taking up threatening postures. He swallowed hard as he heard his lord's final words to Daniel and knew that Daniel couldn't comprehend why Osiris would so suddenly apologize for wrongdoings. As Daniel cast him that confused expression he could feel his heart aching for the man. God Daniel was so confused and so uncertain. He knew that he should exit the room and give the two some privacy, but he found that he was rooted to the floor. He simply chose to silently observe the exchanges between the two to see what came about from the confrontation.
Daniel was so confused and so damn scared that he didn't know what to do. He licked his lips nervously before speaking, "Is that it? Is that all you have to say for yourself?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I...I..."
"Daniel, there is no way that I can undo the harm I have caused you. All I can do is promise you that it will never happen again..."
Daniel instantly jerked from the light hold nearly knocking Osiris over in the process before he responded, "Promise? You can promise it will never happen again? How the hell am I to believe you for even a moment? You lied to me. YOU LIED! I can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth. I can't trust you, I can't trust myself...hell I can't trust anybody! You, yourself, proved to me just how foolish a notion trust is. I..."
"Daniel, you can trust me in this. I will never allow something like this to happen to you again."
Daniel threw his arms up in the air as he shouted, "STOP LYING TO ME! JUST STOP! God I can't take it anymore! I can't take the lies! I can't take the abuse! I can't take the insults! I can't take the humiliations! I can't! I JUST CAN'T! Don't do this to me!"
"Do what, dear heart?"
Daniel turned rage-filled eyes Osiris' way before he continued, "STOP THAT! I am not your dear heart if I were you wouldn't have tossed me away like I was trash! You wouldn't have offered me to him and ordered him to punish me for my refusal. I'm nothing to you...NOTHING!"
"Daniel, I believe you have already told me of this. You are repeating yourself..."
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"
"Daniel..."
He stared at Osiris raising his hands this time in agitation preparing to speak again but not knowing what he wanted to even say. God he couldn't even speak clearly!
Sarah's voice echoed to Osiris as she said, 'He is confused and uncertain. He does not know what to do anymore. He is reaching the end of his endurance. You must allow him time to come to terms with all that he has lost and all that he is contemplating. He wants to speak to us, yet he struggles to do so for the words will not come.'
'What am I to do? You told me to apologize and I have done so but my apology has only seemed to aggravate and upset him further. Sarah, I do not know what to do. I do not know how I can help him.'
'Give him time. As I have said before betrayal is a hard thing for him to deal with. You destroyed his trust when you allowed Chandra to abuse him. He is struggling to deal with what has happened and to accept your apology.'
'Will he accept it?'
'Eventually yes. He has an unlimited propensity for forgiving even the harshest of crimes against him. He just needs the time to work through what has happened and to move passed it. He is growing tired and weary...perhaps Zeenan can help him again.'
'Perhaps...he trusts Zeenan this much I know.'
'Yes, Zeenan is the only one he trusts.'
'Sarah, I want to help him but I do not know how.'
Daniel turned to focus on him again still not certain of what he wanted to say. He opened his mouth to speak then closed it again. He tried a second time growing disheartened when the words still would not come, so he chose to turn his back to them and wrap his arms around himself. He didn't know what to do. He was so confused and so lost at the moment. He closed his eyes feeling that black water that had been stalking him overflow to cover his head. He was flailing beneath the surface of that murky water reaching out for a hand, any hand to come to his aid and rescue him. He needed rescuing now more than ever before. He needed someone's strength to help him move on from this moment in time. He became greatly saddened when no hand reached for him. He had no one left, no one...who would save him now? He was so far from himself that he wasn't even sure who he now was. He retreated inside himself feeling loneliness fall over him like a shadow threatening to box him in and block him from the outside world. He could sense that he was losing himself in this endless ocean of despair. Would nobody help him? Was there no one willing to dive into the cold, murky waters of his tormented life? Was there no one who was willing to save him from what he was becoming?
'Daniel, fight it...you must fight. You have to come home. You have to return to me. Don't give up, don't you dare give up on me! I love you too damned much to lose you! DANIEL!'
"Jack?" He jerked around opening his eyes to stare ahead of him confused and uncertain as to what the hell just happened. He gasped when his eyes raked across Osiris and Zeenan. What were they doing here? What just happened? Where was he? Why did he feel so strange? He heard Osiris speak his name and replied while pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose and squeezing, "I have to lie down. I'm not feeling very well."
"Daniel..."
Zeenan watched as the young man grabbed the bridge of his nose. He knew that gesture so well. Daniel was tired and was under stress. He always gripped the bridge of his nose when he became worn down and stressed out. He always did that when he needed a break, needed time to reassemble and regroup. He glanced at Osiris who focused on him gently urging, "Perhaps you should take him to your chambers this night. Allow him to remain with you for the evening. I think he needs some time."
Zeenan nodded his head as he replied, "Yes My Lord."
He slowly approached Daniel aware that the man would startle rather easily, especially when he was in such an agitated state of mind. He spoke softly as he placed a hand on the man's shoulder, "Daniel, perhaps you should come with me."
Of course in typical Daniel fashion the man shook his head while still pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers and muttering a soft, "No, no...I'm fine. Really. I just need to...I just need to lie down. Really I'm fine...it's nothing."
"Hmm, it is never anything with you, young one. Have you always been this neglectful of your own health?"
Daniel lifted his head as if to focus on him but only continued to pinch the bridge of his nose as he stuttered, "What...what? No, no...look I'm fine..."
"You are not fine."
He again tried to deny that he was in need of help as he answered, "I told you I'm fine...I'm fine, just tired. Why...? Will you stop? Look I just need to lie down. All I have to do is lie down. I'm fine, really, Jack I'm fine..."
"I am not Jack."
"Hmm, oh sorry...sorry Zeenan."
"That you have just referred to me as Jack tells me that you are in need of aid, Daniel Jackson. Come. We will go to my chambers. There it is quiet and you will be able to relax."
"Meditate...you just want me to meditate. I don't need..."
"Do not tell me what you believe you do not need for I know otherwise. Now come and cease with these endless excuses."
"Endless excuse..." Daniel focused on Zeenan noticing the stubbornness in the man's eyes and sighed loudly before slightly nodding his head in agreement. Zeenan released a calming breath as he carefully eased his arm behind Daniel's back and helped guide him to the door. He focused on his lord who smiled and nodded permitting him to watch over Daniel till morning. He nodded his head in understanding as he carefully helped Daniel out the door and towards his chambers.
Osiris shook his head before softly asking, "What have I done wrong, Sarah? How can I undo the pain I have caused him?"
'Zeenan will help him. He just needs some time to calm himself and to cope with the stress he has been under. All you can do for him now is to give him the time that he is in need of.'
Osiris simply nodded agreeing with his host. He was greatly saddened to see Daniel so upset and so confused. The man was obviously in desperate need of something and he knew that only Zeenan could help him now. Zeenan or his Jack but since Jack wasn't here then Zeenan would have to work his magic. He hoped that he had done the right thing by sending Daniel with Zeenan. He smirked when he heard Sarah reassuring, 'You did the right thing, My Lord. You did the only thing that you could do for him.'
"I hope you are correct, Sarah. I hope that you are correct."
'I am.'
Osiris approached his bed and lowered himself onto it his mind focused on the man now with his First Prime. He knew that Daniel's present confusion and anger was all his fault and he knew that there wasn't much he could do except see if Zeenan could help the man to become grounded again, so he lay down on the bed and cast his eyes towards the ceiling certain that sleep would not find Sarah or him this night.
* * * *
Daniel allowed Zeenan to escort
him down the hallway towards his chamber. As they progressed towards the room
his headache seemed to ease and as soon as they arrived he felt himself
beginning to calm. He always drew some sort of odd comfort from Zeenan's private chambers. He smiled softly when he noticed
that candles were already set up and lit, casting their eerie glow about the
room. He had a feeling that he had interrupted Zeenan's
Kel-no-reem and felt suddenly guilty for doing so. He
turned to the
"Hush, young one, there is no need for you to apologize. I heard your voice and became frightened. I did not mind being disturbed. I had to make certain that you were safe and that our lord was not harming you."
"I'm still sorry. I...I really messed up...I..."
"Daniel, you have been under a lot of stress of late. You have nothing to be sorry for and you have nothing to apologize for. You need to stop worrying about others and start worrying about yourself."
"You want me to meditate..."
Zeenan smiled softly as he nodded before continuing, "It will do you good, my friend. You have much on your mind and have not the strength to face it head on. You are in need of help and I am here to offer you that help. Sit...sit, Daniel, let us begin."
Daniel shook his head no before adding, "I...I can't. I don't want to disrupt. I ...I need to return to..."
"Please remain here. I wish for you to sit with me. Please?"
"All...all right but only...only for a little while."
Zeenan nodded his head and helped Daniel to the center of the circle of candles before urging him to sit on the floor.
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