Personal Sacrifice Part 13
By:
Stacy L.
TRUST DESTROYED
The moment Zeenan
boarded his lord's vessel he could see that something wasn't right. Osiris seemed upset, sad and distracted. As he informed his
lord of what he discovered on his trip he noticed that Osiris'
focus often strayed. He seemed disturbed as if he were worried. He had never
before seen his lord quite so...melancholy. He quickly decided that it was no
use talking about his discoveries when it was so obvious that his lord wasn't
listening to him anyway so he changed the direction of the discussion, "My
Lord what has happened?"
Osiris barely even acknowledged him, remaining
silent for several long moments before raising his head and answering,
"Nothing is wrong, Zeenan. Why do you ask such a
question?"
He could see that something was most
definitely wrong and the longer he remained the more he realized that Daniel
wasn't here where he should be. He questioned, "And where is Daniel this
night?"
“I believe that he now sleeps."
"You believe he now...My Lord what has
happened here?"
"Nothing to be
concerned about."
"You are upset and Daniel is not
attending you as he should. What occurred on Mandara
My Lord?"
All Osiris could do
was sigh before answering, "The negotiations did not go well."
"My Lord?"
"That is all for tonight Zeenan. You may now go."
"My Lord?"
"Go. I should like to be alone for a few
moments before returning to my favored's side."
Deciding that he would get no further answers
from Osiris he simply replied, "Yes My
Lord," bowing before exiting the room and heading straight for his lord's
sleeping chamber.
Once near the bedchamber he quietly eased the
door open and gazed upon the man who now rested there wondering what had
happened to put such pain and fear in his lord's eyes. What had happened?
He watched his sleeping friend hoping that by
doing so he could find the answers to those unvoiced questions now floating
through his mind and knowing that the only way he would get those many
questions answered would be to ask.
He smiled softly as he watched Daniel
sleeping. Daniel seemed tense and more alert in rest and it did not slip by his
notice that when he reached out to gently push the wayward bangs off of
Daniel's temple the man visibly flinched without even waking. He quickly
reassured Daniel that he was safe and could sleep. Daniel seemed to relax in
response to those words.
Something had happened. Some
thing that had his lord moping about distractedly and Daniel pulling away from
touch even in sleep. Something had happened but what had it been and how
would it directly affect his lord and Daniel?
At present he had no knowledge of just what
had put such a noticeable strain on the relationship between his lord and his
favored. He would have to speak to Daniel in the morning to see if he would
willingly explain the tense situation. He was determined to find out what had
occurred on Mandara and he was determined to help
both his lord and Daniel to find a way to move beyond those obviously traumatic
events.
* * * * * *
TRUST DESTROYED
When Trust Is Lost What Remains?
Journal Entry:
Open for me, my precious servant...
Those words, those few words whispered by my
master have the power to
instantly fuel my desire, my need, my yearning...
I have no control over my body's instant response. When he utters those few
simple words I can feel my dick harden instantly
and suddenly I want him, I
need him, I burn uncontrollably for him. He's
managed to inspire extreme
desperation within me, an intense craving ache that
needs and begs to be
satisfied. I want to plead with him to beg him to
satisfy me or allow me to
satisfy him. I should feel shame. I should feel
guilt and humiliation for
becoming so dependent on him. I need him to please
me, need to please him
and there is nothing that can dampen that fire,
that heat he stirs within me
until I come screaming...not his name, no I never
scream his name when I come,
never. No, I scream the name of the one man I will
always need, the one man I
need just to breathe, just to live. I scream for
the man who can satisfy me and
satiate my ever-increasing hunger, cool the fire so
strong within me, heal my
broken soul and my tormented heart. I scream for
the one man who has the
power to restore my soul, my spirit...restore
me... bring me back from this
darkness I have buried myself so craftily under. I
scream for him and I can
hear my voice echo around me carrying that name
up into the air as if it were
a prayer that only the angels can hear: Jack.
His name caresses the air, is
carried on the wind and drifts towards the place I
call home.
Does he hear me when I call to him, when I scream for him? Can he hear the
desperate utterance of his name as I come for another...one I do not love nor
will ever love? Can he hear the need, the urgency, the desperation in that
single word as I call out for him to help me, to come for me, to heal my
broken heart, to cure my shattered soul? Jack... Jack... Whether the name is
uttered as a prayer or screamed in my satiated bliss I do not care as long
as he can hear me, can feel me, knows that I love him, that I need him with
all my heart and soul...knows that though I have grown to enjoy the sex,
crave and need to be satisfied by the one who holds me here, begs and
pleads to be allowed to climax or to bring him to climax that I have never
loved this creature nor ever will...
Does he know that when I willingly offer myself to the one now with me,
when I openly plead and beg to be permitted to climax, when I beg to be
allowed to touch myself for him and stroke myself for him, when I beg for
his mouth to engulf me, for his tongue to lick me and explore me...when I
plead to be permitted to smell his essence, to smell him like a damned dog...
when I beg to be permitted to wear his essence upon my face and to crawl
for him...allow him to lead me around on my leash like I am his pet, to treat
me as if I am merely his dog...when I allow him to order me to call myself
my master's pet, when I desire to delve my tongue deep inside my master's
dripping cunt or I beg to be jerked to fulfillment... Does he know how much
of a sacrifice those become for me to make? Does he realize that the only
way I can survive, the only way I can prevent another planet's destruction,
protect Earth and my friends from suffering is to allow myself to get lost in
the dark desires and deepest fantasies of my master? Does he know that the
only way I can survive this utter humiliation and degradation, the only way
I can survive is to allow raw passion, raw desire... and raw hunger to fill
me? Does he know that the only way I can survive is to draw only intense
pleasure and euphoria from the acts of sex we perform together almost
every night?
I have forgotten how to feel. I can't feel anything anymore, my beloved. All I
can feel is emptiness...and I can't even feel that. The only thing I can feel
anymore is raw desire and need. The only time I can feel is when I am
performing a sexual act or am being sexually satisfied by my master. I
have struggled so long and so hard to keep as much of myself from the one
who holds me as is possible, and now I cannot feel...to feel hurts too damned
much love. I had to lock my heart up to keep it safe. I had to build the walls;
walls so strong and sturdy that only your love is capable of breaking
them down. If you cannot love me after you learn of what I have done for
my master as his slave, his servant, then I may never be able to free myself
from behind those walls. They are so high, so strong and so unyielding...no
one can get through them. No one can tarnish the real me. No one will ever
dirty my heart. NO ONE.
Will I be trapped behind these walls for the
rest of my life? Unable to feel
except raw sexual yearnings? Please don't turn me
away. I know how
ashamed you will be of me when you discover all the
things I have done for
him, and all the things I've allowed him to do
to me but please, please I beg
of you don't ever give up on me because if you
do then I may not be able to
return ever.
Hear me; hear me as I call out to you every night love. Hear my call and help
me. I need you. I'm lost without you, love. I need you. Are your ears even open
to me anymore love? Is your heart even filled with the love you had for me at
one time or did that love melt away and disappear like I'm disappearing?
Have you turned your back on me forever my lover? Am I now lost to you?
Can you even hear me when I call your name? I am always crying your name,
crying out for you but do you even hear me or have you closed your heart, your
ears and your mind to me? Have you simply forgotten me?
I've been gone longer then I ever expected. I
might never return home...or I
may be here for many long months... Will you
still be waiting for me if I ever
manage to escape? Do you still look to the heavens
and think of me, or has
another taken my place? In my long absence have you
forgotten who I am?
Do you even remember my name? Or has my name
become a curse on your
lips? Have I lost you forever, or will you be
able to find me again? Will you
be able to accept this shattered soul back into
your life? Will you ever be
able to accept one who has prostituted himself,
and has grown to enjoy it?
Open for me, my precious servant...
Those words successfully heat me up, make me want him, need him, make
me beg to be pleased by him...
Make me betray the man I love with all my
heart.
I call only one name, and again I send that
name to the heavens as a prayer
and a plea for you to remember me...
JACK
End of Journal Entry
He stood silently gazing at nothing in
particular, holding himself rigid as if prepared to flee if someone dared
crumble the silent walls he had now forged miles high around himself. He didn't
say a word...rarely even spoke anymore finding that he had nothing to say. He
wanted to cry, tried to cry but the tears just refused to come. His journey
towards permanent emotional numbness was near completion. It must be, because
he sure as hell couldn't seem to feel at the moment. He felt almost...dead. He
found himself spending hours just staring at walls or floors. He'd try to think
of Jack, but then an uncomfortable pain would rise within and he just couldn't
deal with the persistent longing, the overwhelming despair at being kept away
from one he needed so desperately. His life had fallen into a routine...
He would awake screaming sometimes, dreaming
of the events that transpired on Naveria and
sometimes dreaming of those recent events on Mandara.
Osiris would usually try to offer him comfort but he
automatically cringed and turned his back on the system lord. Osiris would spend hours some nights just trying to get him
to respond or even just look at him but he couldn't. He couldn't forget how
easily Osiris had broken his promise to him and
exposed him to Chandra's lust. He saw nothing wrong with what he had done on
that day, and only now was his lord seeing the effects of his punishment, and
it was a punishment...a punishment for his defiance, for refusing to do as
commanded. He had angered the system lord immensely by omitting the weapon from
the treaty but he had to do it. He couldn't make himself put that clause in the
treaty. He just couldn't and he knew that if he were to be faced with that same
situation again he'd do the same in a heartbeat even knowing that in doing so
he would breathe life back into his nightmares. He had dared to believe that
after Dionysus, after the assault Osiris wouldn't
expose him to that type of a situation again, but he had been so very
wrong...and now he was paying for that little inkling of trust he had managed
to place in his captor. Now he was reliving that attack in vivid clarity seeing
himself being brutally raped and unable to wake up to
end the nightmares.
He closed himself down, withdrawing into
himself, refusing to speak to anyone about the events that transpired on Mandara. He couldn't even speak to Zeenan.
He had tried, but he just couldn't do it, for the wounds, the scars that were
torn open as a result were just too fresh in his mind.
He knew that Zeenan was worried about him, and knew
that he should talk to him, but he just couldn't. He remained silent, keeping
everything inside and retreating behind a mask, a calm façade of indifference.
He would never dare to be so foolish again with his trust. He had learned a
hard lesson; a very hard lesson and he would never forget it. He had trusted
the system lord not to place him in such a nightmarish situation again and he'd
been deceived. He had lied! Lied and destroyed what little trust Daniel had
dared to forge in him. Osiris had stripped the trust
from him just like everything else and now here he was left trying to put
himself back together and trying yet again to cope with such devastation
without losing himself completely. He couldn't lose himself here because if he
did...if he did... He would never let that happen. He would destroy himself
before he'd allow himself to become lost. If he had to destroy himself to
prevent that then he would. He had no choice. He wouldn't live like that...even
for Jack O'Neill. He couldn't live like that.
Daniel glanced up as one of Osiris' servants approached addressing, "Master
Daniel, it is time for me to show you the armory," Daniel softly
corrected, "Daniel...not Master."
"Master Daniel, it is disrespectful for
me not to address you by your proper title."
"Jamil
please. I insist that you
address me by my name and not by my title."
"Master Daniel I would be
punished..."
"Jamil..."
"Enough of this. You will come with me while I show you the
armory."
Daniel hung his head feeling his battle was
lost. He hated being addressed as Master, especially when he was a slave as
well. Why did everyone insist on addressing him as such? He hated the title,
hated it with a passion...
He watched the young man start to walk down
the hall ahead of him. Jamil was small and lanky,
muscular but fair...his features were flawless and toned. He fit the mold of
what the Goa'uld considered to be beautiful, even
with the slight shuffle when he walked. He had injured his leg when he was a
boy and had been left with a limp. Even with the limp the man moved with a
gracefulness one could only associate with a ballet dancer. Daniel watched him
continue down the hall still not pursuing. He remembered Jamil
telling him that he had been a servant of Osiris'
since his birth. His mother had been chosen as a child of the gods, and having
but one son he was immediately given to the gods as a servant. The man was
always very nice to him and loved to talk. As Jamil stopped to look at him now Daniel sighed heavily
before picking up his pursuit.
Jamil approached his young Master preparing to
give him a tour of the armory at Osiris' insistence.
He smiled as he approached urging Daniel to follow him. As
the man again argued about his title Jamil found
himself shaking his head. Master Daniel still couldn't comprehend why he
was addressed as such. He could tell that the man was rather uncomfortable with
the title, but knew the penalty should he fail to address him properly. He
quietly sighed in frustration as Daniel dropped the argument all together. The
man had been so spirited upon his arrival here but now he seemed...tired, tired
and sad. He had hoped that Daniel would grow use to serving his lord but the
man still didn't seem happy. Jamil often worried
about the man, and as he noticed the sudden crease in Daniel's forehead and
watched the man's fingers reach up to gently grasp the bridge of his nose, he
knew that Daniel was feeling much sadder than he had in a long time. Instead of
calling attention to Daniel's emotions Jamil chose to
turn and head down the hallway knowing that Daniel wasn't following but would
do so shortly.
Once outside the armory he unlocked the door
then opened it. Daniel followed him into the room asking, "Why is it so
important that I be shown this place, Jamil?"
"Lord Osiris
insists that everyone know of where the armory is located."
"But why?"
"In case of attack. Everyone must know where they can go to
gather weapons to fight..."
"Well, if it's locked it won't do much
good for anybody."
Jamil glanced at Daniel smiling as he responded,
"No I do not suppose that it would, Master Daniel."
Daniel started to slowly scan the room
noticing stacks upon stacks of swords and staff weapons which prompted him to
question, "What all is in here?"
"Weapons of various
kinds...swords, zatnicketels, staff weapons and the
like. Lord Osiris keeps his armory well stocked."
"I see."
Daniel's gaze fell to the pile of daggers in
the far corner. He approached the pile, focusing on the weapons with interest. Jamil smiled when he recognized Daniel's obvious interest.
He watched the man only a moment longer before turning to point to a set of
spears on the wall. When Daniel turned to see that Jamil
was otherwise distracted, he quickly grasped one of the daggers in his hand and
turned it upward concealing the knife by his side. He swallowed hard as Jamil continued to explain about the spears, feeling a bit
guilty for swiping a weapon while Jamil was with him.
He covered his devious plan by approaching the young servant and feigning
interest in the spears the man was discussing. Shortly after they
both exited the armory, Daniel thanked Jamil for the
tour then made his way quickly to his bedchamber.
Once into the bedchamber Daniel closed the
door and quickly raced to the bed where he slipped the dagger underneath the
mattress for safekeeping. He had plans for that dagger and would not be
dissuaded from using it.
Several days later Daniel decided to make his
move. Tonight was the night he would do it. He would retrieve the knife he
stole from the armory and would use it. He approached his desk and pulled out
his journal stopping for a moment to stare at his reflected image in the
mirror. He looked horrible again. His face was drawn back and had a sickly
pallor to it. He looked as if he hadn't eaten in several days and he looked
extremely exhausted. He quickly downcast his eyes, and focused on the journal
not wanting to see that lost soul staring back at him. He felt so weary. Some days he could handle his new life, while other days all he
wanted to do was end it, end everything. He had expected Jack to find
him and rescue him long before now. Hell he had expected to escape the Goa'uld lord on his own by now, but every attempt on his
part was thwarted and it seemed Jack just wasn't looking for him any longer.
How long had he been here? He tried to think
back through the days and weeks that had turned into months trying to figure
out just how long he had remained here. He closed his eyes and placed his head
in his hands as the number came back to him...five months...five months and
sixteen days. God, how much longer would he remain here? By now his friends had
probably given up on him. Hell, a month was a long time...five months was an
eternity. He felt certain now that no one would ever come for him. He would be
here for the rest of his life serving as Osiris'
slave and fuck toy. Oh God, a life as a sexual slave to an overbearing,
unyielding master...what hell his life would be. Of course, now he had a means
with which to escape the Goa'uld lord... permanently.
He toyed with the notion off and on for a
very long time. Should he do it, or shouldn't he? What would the repercussions
be? How would it affect Jack, Sam and Teal'c...would
it even affect them? Probably not...no he doubted it
would affect anyone. Who would care? Who the hell would even miss him? It would
be so easy, so damned easy and so damned permanent. He wasn't a quitter, but he
didn't think he could take much more of this life of indentured servitude to a
snake who only wanted to repetitively rape him and ruin him. Hell, even if he
escaped this hell of an existence would Jack even want him back? No, of course
not, for who would want a traitor back? He had committed the ultimate
crime...he had betrayed his lover by offering up his body to the serpent that
now owned him and actually learned to enjoy every damned minute of it.
It took him a very long time to learn to love
what Osiris did to him, to learn to accept it, to beg
for it and to respond passionately to every little touch and every little
stroke. He couldn't get enough of the Goa'uld lord.
He was a sex addict who craved every sexual experience and every sexual act
they performed together. It had taken a long time to train himself to respond
so openly to his master. It had taken him a long time to allow total raw
passion and desire to take root within. He had trained himself well, for he had learned to accept the snake's touches and
advances...he had learned to accept it all. He learned to accept it and enjoy
himself the entire time. He had learned to train himself to the point where the
only time he felt anything was when he was fucking or being fucked by the Goa'uld lord who now held him. Hell, he had progressed a
long way in that department. He had traveled from being an unwillingly partner
to craving, begging and loving every little touch, experience and urge. His
journey from sexual captivity to sexual bliss was now complete for he needed
that damned Goa'uld lord always. He was always
burning for the damned snake, always. All he needed to do was catch sight of
the snake and he was aroused. The mere sight of the Goa'uld
lord made him want to fall to his hands and knees and worship his lord, worship
him and beg for sexual favors. The mere sight of the Goa'uld
lord made him want to plead and beg to be sexually
dominated, humiliated, used and tormented. He needed the snake desperately now.
Osiris had successfully turned his captive into a
sexual creature who lived and breathed only to have sex again and again and
again... God Jack would be so ashamed of him.
He was disgusted with himself and with what
he had become, and he knew what he needed to do now. Yes, he knew exactly how
to take care of the sex slave he had become. He knew just how to take care of
the sex addict who would stoop so low as to beg to be humiliated and sexually
dominated because it was the only way he could feel anything at all and it was
the only time he could reach ecstasy and euphoria. Without sex he felt nothing
at all anymore. He had managed to shove his heart and soul so deep inside
himself that he could no longer feel. He had become exactly what Osiris wished him to become: his sex slave, his favored, his mate...his lover. Oh God Jack, I'm so sorry, so sorry
that I allowed Osiris to change me into something
that I hate and despise with all my being. I'm so sorry Jack but it's the only
way I can live...the only way I can continue to remain here...
He opened his eyes and glanced at the bed.
Without thought he rose to his feet and retrieved the dagger he had kept hidden
there for the past few days. He returned to his desk and carefully placed the
dagger beside his journal before focusing on writing. He then pulled out his
pen and opened up to a fresh page. His mind flashed to that dagger now lying
beside him upon the desk and what he planned to do with the weapon. It was the
only way...he had no other escape. This was his only chance, his only chance at
freedom. Jack would understand. He had to understand. He had to! He started to
write in the journal and as he wrote the first sentence he thought of his lover
and of how he had no other choice but to do as he planned. He read those words
again and could feel the certainty that his decision was made. No one could
stop him now for he was determined:
I've considered it a lot you know...ending my
life...
After reading the sentence again Daniel
continued to write a passage explaining why he was about to do something he
never would have dreamed of doing in the past. He wrote his final passage to
Jack and to his friends trying to explain to them why he had to do this and why
this was the only way out for him. They would understand when they saw the
passage. They would understand and hopefully one day they would learn to
forgive him...
Journal Entry:
I mean who would care? I'm only a slave. No
one would care if I suddenly
didn't exist any longer. I know what you would say...you
would say that
I'm just a quitter ...yeah,
poor Danny couldn't handle the pressure and up
and killed himself. Damned
shame. The poor bastard must've just quit.
Yeah...that's what you'd say. You would be
very disappointed in me as
well, but let me ask you this: wouldn't death be
much more preferable to
this life of indentured servitude I'm living?
Freedom... I'll never know what
freedom is again. Never walk on Earth again, never
see your smiling face
again. I have no escape... this hell Osiris has created is quite spectacular.
He tries to give me some freedom but he
doesn't trust me... I ran from him
one too many times. He will never trust me and
will never give me up. I
belong to him now. He's even marked me as his: His property, his slave,
his servant...his damned sex toy. Yep that's
me...wonderful life I have here
with the Goa'uld who
stole Sarah's body and stole her soul. I belong to him
and if anyone doesn't believe it they can see my
collar...oh, yeah and my
beautiful leash...he uses it to walk me. Gives me
daily exercise...led around
like a fuckin' dog on a
chain, like a pet. Yep, that's me his pet, his fuckin'
favored. So tell me again why I shouldn't give up.
I'd really like to know
why you think I'm taking the cowards' way out.
I'm no coward but I am
tired... of everything.
I'm a horrible slave... I hate being
subservient to anybody. Hate it and hate
him with all my heart and all my soul. You ask
me how I could come to hate
someone so very much...I never hate anybody but then you learn of what I
have experienced while under his service. For the
most part I am treated well
but I still have to volunteer to be his bed mate
for the night, still have to
willingly yield to his repeated rapes... How many
times has he raped me
now? I lost track. Some would say I'm
lucky...yeah lucky I get raped nearly
every fuckin' night and
must act as if I enjoy it. I must crawl for him if he
demands it of me, I must bow to him every time I
approach him. I must
address him as My Lord always. When I speak to him I
must speak in softer,
more submissive tones. I even had formal training
on the proper way to carry
myself for my lord. Oh yeah, had that within the
first weeks of being here...every
time I failed to learn to yield I was punished as
a guard triggered my collar...yes
it comes with nice pain sensors...didn't you
know that? Yes, they're incorporated
into it...a way to keep his slave under control
at all times. Lovely isn't it?
My life is sheer hell and you stand there and dare to pass judgment on me? You
can't understand why I desire to end my life now. I have no reason to live...none
at all.
You know I use to live for you. I would
survive for you, love, but then he used
me and made me damaged goods, soiled and dirty.
You wouldn't want what's
left of me, my lover. I'm too repulsive to you
now. You can't understand why I
would allow my lord to do with me as he pleases.
You pass judgment on me and
yet you do not know what I have been through.
You can't possibly know and I will
probably never tell you. Why should I reveal to you
just how I had to service my
lord? I know it would be dishonest to keep the
truth from you but can I handle
your rejection? No, I can't so let me die in
peace my love. Let me go. Stop coming
to me at night to tell me to fight. Stop speaking
to me in my dreams because I can
no longer live as I am.
Tonight, it will be tonight. I was visiting the armory the other day on a tour.
Poor servant didn't even realize it when I swiped one of the knives I saw. I was
very careful you know. I don't want anyone to realize that I am preparing to
take my own life. I don't want anyone to know. I stashed the knife in my
robes... lucky me I had a visit with our priest not long before for my daily,
humiliating shaving. I hid the knife and brought it back to our bedchamber.
Osiris has yet to find it. I hid it under our bed. I have it resting beside me now on
the table. I wanted to write my last thoughts before I chose to do it. You won't
understand when you find out that your lover died by his own hand months ago
aboard Osiris' ship...that's how you'll hear of my demise... probably through a
Tok'ra. Yep, poor Jackson
death in Osiris' chambers. He did it when his lord was away knowing that Osiris
had the power to return him to life and not wanting to survive. I only hope that a
sarcophagus can't revive a dead person...one that's been
dead for several days. You
see I have to find a nice quiet place to do
this. I already know where. My one place
of solace:
the view port I sit in front of nearly every night. I sit there and
dream of
you. I wonder what you are doing out there. Are
you still traveling to other planets
and visiting others? Have I been replaced on
SG-1 yet? Has everyone given up any
chance of a rescue? None of that will matter for
tonight...tonight it will all be over.
I leave you now with this:
I loved you to the end Jack O'Neill, and I
never forgot you for a single moment. I
don't want to leave you but I'm already gone,
Jack. I'm no longer with you but
know this... I love you with all my heart and
soul. I will watch over you, protect
you, shield you and guide you for the rest of your life. I
love you but I can't go on
like this any longer...
Please don't hate me for what I'm about to
do, love...
Yours forever,
D.J.
End of Journal Entry
After finishing the journal entry he
carefully closed the book and placed the pen beside it. He then focused on the
knife lying by his right hand. It was a handsome blade...small but sharp. It
would do the job perfectly. He wrapped his hand around the handle feeling the
smooth texture of the handgrip as it fit so comfortably in his hand. He allowed
a small smile to tinge his lips as he lifted the blade before him. The blade
gleamed sparkling silver in the light...this dagger represented his freedom,
his independence, his livelihood and his spirit. The dagger was elegant. It
would be perfect.
Daniel lowered the knife before him and
gently ran his fingers across the edge of the blade noticing just how sharp it
was. Perfect. The knife would be very efficient...it would be quick and would
slice cleanly. The knife was perfect.
Daniel glanced at himself in the mirror
noting the image he now presented. His face was still drawn and he was pale.
The knife glinted sinisterly in his hand as if to tell the story of its newest
use. With this knife one life would end and a spirit would be set free. With
this knife a soul would be saved and an enemy vanquished. With this knife one
man would reclaim his life while destroying the creature he despised.
He slowly stood up and grabbed his robe. He
quickly put it on then hid the dagger within before making his way to the area
of Osiris' ship where he felt most at peace. The view
port was where he would sit and watch Jack, say good-bye to him one last time
and drift into a peaceful, deep, eternal slumber. As he approached the area he
smiled noticing that not one person stopped him or questioned where he was
going. He glanced up at that view port before settling against the wall where
he could have a perfect view of the stars beyond.
He sat there for the longest time just
contemplating his life and how he progressed to this point in time. He then carefully
eased the dagger out from beneath his robes and held it before him. He again
noticed how elegant the weapon was. He allowed his gaze to slip up to that open
view port as he carefully rolled up the left sleeve of his robe. He glanced at
his lap inhaling deeply before turning his arm over and exposing a very
vulnerable wrist to the air. He focused on the wrist noticing the dark blue of
his veins. He could see the main artery of his arm and traveled the length of
it with his eyes, stopping at his elbow before once again returning his gaze to
his exposed wrist. He would start with a simple incision, one that was parallel
with his wrist. He would slice right across that blue vein and watch as his
blood started to greet the air. He would then turn the blade so he could slice
parallel with his arm. He would drag the blade from wrist to half way before
his elbow knowing that a cut such as this would be lethal, for it would be a
slice to a major vein in his body and only direct pressure could slow the bleeding.
Once he sliced the vein in half he would most likely bleed to death and there
would be no turning back.
Daniel focused on that view port again as he
spoke so softly that his words sounded like mumbling, "I'm sorry, Jack,
but there's no other way. No other way. I have to do this. I can't go on like
this. I just can't. I'm sorry. I love you...I will always love you..."
He clenched his eyes shut wishing those words
into the air urging them to float through space to travel to his lover. He
prayed that Jack could hear those soft words, and he hoped that Jack could
forgive him for what he was about to do. He could hear his conscience pointing
out why he shouldn't end his life like this. He could hear Jack's words echoing
to him, begging and pleading with him not to give up, to hang on and to fight
and he willed those words into silence. As he pressed the sharp blade against
his vulnerable wrist he heard Jack's voice pleading now and begging him not to
do this. He shook his head sadly as he deliberately silenced those words not
wanting to hear them only knowing that he had to be quick about it.
* * * * * *
P2K-R73
Mysterious Revelations
Jack O'Neill stopped what he was doing to
look up at the setting sun. They were on another planet exploring a world that
was similar to Ancient Babylon. Daniel would have loved this planet. He still
missed him and had a wide valley in his heart where his love had once dwelt.
Daniel was so far away and has been gone for so very long. He didn't want to
give up on him, but he couldn't help but wonder if he would ever see him again.
He would hate himself if he could never find
Daniel and save him. He now understood how Daniel had felt all those years ago
when he began his desperate search for Sha're, only
to find her and watch her be killed by his friend. Daniel had been crushed when
Sha're had been taken as Amunet's
host. He had made finding her an obsession. He vowed that she was still alive
when everyone else told him she was lost. Daniel had stayed true to his vow to
one day find her and save her, and now Jack was on the same kind of mission.
Jack was determined to find Daniel. When
others started to tell him that Daniel wasn't coming back he yelled at them and
denied their allegations. He was aware of the looks of pity people would cast
his way. He was aware of the shaking of their heads and the mutters under their
breaths regarding his senseless search. He knew that most of the SGC had given
up on the search for Daniel. They hadn't heard anything about his location
since Jacob brought the news of who now held him and what his status was. He
was serving as Osiris' favored. Many said that the Goa'uld lord would probably grow tired of Daniel's spirit
and destroy him. Jacob denied those allegations. He swore to Jack that Osiris would have killed Daniel a long time ago if he had
grown weary of the man. Teal'c confirmed what Jacob
said, which made him feel a whole hell of a lot better. But what was Daniel's
life like now? He was serving a Goa'uld lord as a
liaison...he was a servant. Daniel no longer had his freedom for he was now a
slave. Could Daniel handle a life of indentured servitude? Had Daniel already
given up hope of ever being found and rescued? Has Daniel given up on life and
surrendered himself to his lord? What was Daniel's life now like and just how
was he being treated? What was he facing at the hands of the system lord?
The questions continued to fill his head echoing
through his mind again and again. He glanced at the sky like so many other
times feeling closer to his love knowing that Daniel was out there somewhere.
He spoke quietly into the heavens above as his heart cried out for his lost
love, "I love you, Daniel...please hang
on...please."
As he stared intently at the sky he felt
sudden fear encompass his heart as he felt cold chills
rushing abruptly through him. The unexplained phenomenon scared the hell out of
him and as he focused on the sky above, on that brilliant setting sun he stared
in abject horror as the sun turned blood red. What the hell did that mean? He
swallowed hard as he choked out, "Carter? CARTER!"
Sam came bolting out of her tent asking in
fear and worry, "What? Is something wrong, sir?"
Jack couldn't speak as he numbly raised his
hand and pointed to the bloody sun. He didn't even look to see if she was
following his gaze. He tried to speak but found it was very difficult. He
managed to whisper, "Did you feel that?"
Sam approached him noticing the paleness of
his features and the fear in his eyes. She knew that something was wrong and
focused on the sun. She widened her eyes as she noticed the color. She then
said, "Atmospheric changes sir. Remember the Phoenicians telling us of how
the sun changes colors as day turns to night?"
"No, Carter...I feel cold...did you feel
that? It's like...it's like..."
Sam reached out and gently grasped the
Colonel's arm now very concerned and worried for him. He said he was cold? How
could that be when the temperature on this planet stayed at a constant 100
degrees? He couldn't be cold unless he was catching something. She quickly
suggested, "Maybe we should return home and have Janet take a look at
you."
"No, no..."
"Colonel, I think we..."
"NO! There's nothing wrong with
me!"
"But sir you just said..."
Jack turned fearful eyes her way as he felt a
huge loss deep down in his very soul. He knew what that loss was...Daniel...he
felt as if he were losing Daniel. No! NO! He hadn't felt this empty
since...since Daniel's disappearance. He felt as if Daniel were...were...
He spoke softly, "I feel him, Sam. I
feel him...it's him...he's hurting...he's...oh God...oh God Sam he's..."
“What? What are you talking about,
Colonel?"
"He's giving up...no, he can't! He can't
do this to me! He can't!"
"Sir?"
Falling to his knees, Jack closed his eyes
tightly, and bowing his head began to pray for Daniel. He knew, somehow he just
knew that Daniel was balancing on the very edge of indecision...death or life...life
or death...he couldn't explain it...chalk it up to star-crossed lovers deeply
in love but separated by vast space, but still somehow connected to one
another...or maybe empathy...or telepathy...he didn't know, didn't understand.
All he was sure of, was certain of was that Daniel was in trouble...he wasn't
in danger by anyone but himself. He was...somehow his soul was crying out,
somehow on some primal unexplainable level he was connecting with his soul mate
and sending jolt upon jolt of despair and sorrow his way. Jack thought that
he'd crumple under the onslaught. Daniel's very soul was reaching out, crying
out for help, for strength to continue on living the nightmare existence he now
found himself in. He swore he could hear Daniel's voice on the wind apologizing
for what he was about to do. The voice wasn't in his mind it was like a
whisper, blowing across the wind, carrying to him...the wind was forming soft
whispers that were melding into words of need and of sorrow...he strained to
hear the breeze as it carried across the planet, surrounded them and carried
through the trees...he had a momentary thought of Shifu
calling to Daniel when they were on Abydos so long
ago. The voice was full of despair, full of sorrow and hopelessness...the words
were so quiet that one had to strain just to hear them: 'I'm sorry Jack but
there's no other way...no other way...'
"Daniel," he choked out his lover's
name, feeling the first onslaught of tears sliding down over his cheeks making
his face damp. He lifted his face as another breeze blew across him and more
words traveled, still so quiet that they could easily be excused as
imagination, 'I have to do this. I can't go on like this. I just can't. I'm
sorry. I love you.'
The next words blew across him like a caress.
He could almost imagine Daniel's loving hands stroking him and pulling him into
a warm, comforting embrace as he whispered his final words into his ear so
softly that the words felt as if they were merely a warm brush of air tickling
his ear, 'I will always love you...'
Jack felt his heart ache and doubled over as
the pain became almost unbearable. He could feel that lost soul,
that lost spirit speaking to him through emotion and nature telling him
that he could no longer live. NO, NO! He couldn't live like this, alone, alone
without his lover...no! He continued to pray and plead to God, with Daniel with
whoever the hell was listening to spare him, to save his lover, to please stop
him from doing this, stop him from ending his life...
As he remained balled up on the ground
feeling his sorrow tearing at his insides and ripping him apart he could feel a
sharp pain in his left wrist. He clenched his hand into a fist and hissed
wondering where that pain was coming from and an image of a silver dagger slicing
so carefully, so slowly across a vein flashed in his mind. Oh God,
Daniel...DANIEL NO! NO! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! NO!
* * * * * *
As the blade of the dagger glinted sinisterly
against Daniel's tanned wrist he swallowed hard pressing the point of the knife
into his skin. He winced as the tip pierced his flesh and suddenly froze. Did
he really want to do this? Was he really prepared to end it right now, to slice
his wrists and die? He wasn't a quitter, yet he was willing to take his own
life to secure his own freedom. Was he really that destitute, that desperate
that he would willingly slice his own wrists to take his life? Yes, he was...he
wanted the pain, the agony, the suffering...the aching loneliness in his heart
for his lover to go away, to leave him. He just wanted it all to go away. This
was what he needed to do to accomplish his goal.
He slowly dragged the tip of the blade across
his wrist, wincing as pain answered the move. He swallowed hard, knowing that
in order to procure his freedom he would have to slice into his wrist and not
just scratch it, so without another thought he pushed the tip deeper in his
skin and again dragged it across his wrist but again he didn't cut very
deep...a scratch, two scratches were all he managed. God he couldn't even kill
himself correctly could he? DAMN!
Daniel opened his eyes to focus on the deadly
blade and the new scratch marks on his wrist. He had to cut deep to end it. He
had to and he had to do it before he lost the nerve. What would be left if he
failed to accomplish his goal? Nothing...nothing at all...he'd still be trapped
in this hellish existence and still be nothing but an object a pawn in Osiris' games.
As he focused on the knife he noticed that
his hand was now shaking as the doubts continued to flood in. One slice, that's
all he had to do right now, and then he would inflict a second one. Easy...this
was easy... Feeling his desperation swamp him again he turned the blade so that
the sharp edge now rested against the soft tissue of his wrist, and without a
second thought he yanked, yelping as the blade sliced cleanly, splitting open
skin and dragging fresh blood to the surface. He licked his lips as he stared
at the new flow of blood that was now trickling from the slice he just
inflicted. He watched the blood as it lazily trailed down over his wrist to
drip onto the floor. He then returned his gaze to the blade noting that his
blood now stained the pristine surface.
Daniel inhaled deeply as he prepared to make
a second incision. He glanced up at that portal hearing Jack's voice pleading
with him and begging him not to do this. He shivered as the voice sounded so
real but, of course, he knew that Jack wasn't here. He would never see his
lover again so why fight? Why listen? Jack had no idea what his life was like
now, no idea at all, so he had no damned right to preach. NONE! Again he
silenced that niggling voice as he focused on his arm once more. This time he
pressed the blade to his wrist planning to drag it parallel to his arm. He
could feel sweat beads forming on his forehead, and wondered if that was from
blood loss or simply from the effort it was taking him to drum up enough
courage to make his second incision. He pressed the tip into his skin and started
to drag the blade downward watching as a slow incision started to grow bigger.
He screamed as a hand suddenly grabbed his knife hand and squeezed. He yelped
but focused on continuing to slice his arm. The grip grew much more painful as
the person's hand gripped his arm like a vise. He whimpered as he felt pain
surge the whole length of his free arm and heard an angry, vehement, yet
somewhat frightened voice demand, "Release the knife, Daniel."
"No..."
"Release it or I will resort to breaking
your wrist to gain control of the weapon."
Daniel became outraged, cursing as he noticed
an ebony hand encircling his wrist and holding on tightly. He could see that
his hand was now white...blood circulation was obviously cut off. He knew of
only one person who would stop him from doing what he had to do. He jerked his
eyes up glaring coldly at the
"I do not wish to break your arm to gain
your compliance, Daniel, but I will do so if you refuse to release the weapon."
"You have no right. NONE!"
"I have every right when I can see that
you only mean to do yourself harm."
"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!"
Zeenan returned Daniel's glare keeping a tight rein
on his emotions. When he had entered the room to check on Daniel knowing that
the young man was most likely there he had expected to find him staring out of
the view port. Instead he saw Daniel slicing his wrist with a dagger. He knew
what the young man was intending to do and he became extremely fearful. He
moved without thought capturing Daniel's wrist in his hand before he could
finish slicing open his arm. He softened his voice as he noticed Daniel's rage
and anger at being interrupted, "I have every right, Daniel."
"YOU HAVE NONE!"
"I will not stand by and allow my friend
to destroy himself. I would not be worthy of your friendship if I allowed you
to do harm to yourself..."
"YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"
"I am merely concerned. Have things
become so bad for you that you are willing to destroy yourself to attain your freedom,
young one?"
"YES!"
"Daniel, this will not help you. By
doing harm to yourself you are only giving up hope...what would
your Jack think of you..."
"Nothing! He doesn't care for me! He never will
again!"
"Young one, even I know that is a lie."
"No, no it isn't," Daniel's voice
took on a crackling tone as he fought to keep his tears at bay before
continuing, "Jack wouldn't want someone who had betrayed him. Jack won't
want a concubine who allows his master to use him in whatever fashion he desires.
He doesn't care for me because I'm ruined, Zeenan, so
why should I care? Why should I fight? I don't want to live anymore, Zeenan. I don't. I just want everything to end, to go
away...just let me do this. Let me go...please, Zeenan,
let me go."
Zeenan continued to maintain his death grip on
Daniel's arm determined to prevent the man from further harming himself. He
spoke softly, "Daniel, is it not a crime in your religion to do such a
thing? Do your laws and your religion not forbid it? Does not your Earth
religion speak of how you will condemn yourself to an evil end if you destroy
yourself in this manner?"
"I don't care anymore. Nothing matters
anymore, nothing...if I've lost Jack then I have nothing..."
"Young one, if your
Jack loves you as much as you have said he does then he will understand why you
have done these things. Daniel, please give me the weapon. Please do not harm
yourself in this way. You are too good a man to end your life in such a
meaningless way. Please do not harm yourself."
Daniel cried out in despair and hung his head
as he released his hold on the knife. He listened to it clatter uselessly to
the floor and felt his energy leave his body rapidly. He began a downward path
towards the floor as all energy left him in one fell swoop. Zeenan
wasted little time moving to encompass the broken man in his arms. He instantly
pulled Daniel against him wrapping his arms around him and holding him close.
Daniel felt all his resistance falter and
disappear leaving him broken, weak and depressed. He felt himself falling
rapidly to the floor and gasped as strong arms suddenly encircled him and drew
him close. As Zeenan wrapped his arms around him
Daniel responded to the action by burying his face against the
Zeenan held him close staring at the bloody dagger
now lying on the floor and glittering sinisterly in the light. He swallowed
hard as he realized that had he not come across Daniel, the man would have
ended his life and would not be able to be revived again. He became saddened as
he wondered what had sent Daniel to such drastic measures again. He had thought
the man was adjusting, but obviously Daniel was very good at concealing his
emotions and putting on a mask. Zeenan would have to
keep a closer watch on the young man in the future. He vowed to protect Daniel
at the price of his own life and he wasn't about to let any harm come to the
man that had become a great friend and companion to him. Daniel Jackson may
have all but given up on himself, but Zeenan wasn't
about to give up on the young Tau'ri.
* * * * * *
Jack felt as if his heart was torn from his
chest and bleeding profusely. Daniel was giving up. He was killing himself, destroying
himself even now. He could feel the aching in his own heart becoming stronger
and unbearable pain filled him. Daniel was giving up! How could he...how could
he do such a thing? What happened to the man to bring him to such a desperate
decision in his life? He could hear a distant thunder rumbling across the sky
even as his heart was shattering into a thousand tiny pieces but he didn't
care. All he cared about was the man so far away who was destroying himself
because he could no longer live as he was.
Jack inhaled shakily as he suddenly felt warm
tender hands cupping his face and lifting his head. As he opened his eyes he
gasped when he saw a brilliant light shining before him. He swallowed hard,
becoming choked up as he could only stare at the intense brightness. He
couldn't even speak for he was so shocked. He moaned softly as he felt those
warm hands brush across his cheeks wiping away his tears. Then a face formed
out of the brightness...warm, kind, comforting...familiar. He tried to speak, to
ask who she was but somehow he already knew, and yet didn't know how to react
as her voice asked, "Why do you cry for him, Jack O'Neill?"
"What?"
"He is in pain. His spirit cries out for
comfort. He cries out for you. He needs you to remain strong. He can sense you
though he does not understand. He believes he merely dreams of you. He does not
realize that you speak to him and calm him though he is so far from
you..."
"What?"
"In love the smallest distance is too
great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."
"What? I don't understand. Who are
you?"
The woman smiled as she answered, "You
know of who I am. You do not need me to answer your question."
"But why...why have you come?"
"Because you are in need...you are both
in need."
"I'm sorry?"
Her smile broadened as she continued to speak
to him in that soothing, musical voice, "You need not worry about him for
he is not alone."
"But..."
"Everyone has someone in their darkest
hour, Jack O'Neill."
"How could you possibly know...?"
"His greatest need is you. You must
remain strong and you must not give up hope for if you cannot see the light
then neither can he."
"I'm sorry?"
"If there is no light then there is no
hope. He must have hope. You must carry the flame and not allow it to die out,
for if the flame dies then so will he."
"Okay you're scaring me now."
"One has no need to fear when one has
the love of another."
"So?"
"You are as one. You feel as one, you
love as one and you live as one. You must remember this always, for he is
relying on you to provide that which he cannot provide himself."
"Is Daniel going to be all right?"
"He needs you more than you realize,
Jack O'Neill."
"He doesn't even know where I am or what
I'm doing..."
"Do not cry for him, cry with him. You
are his hopes and his dreams. You are for him what he cannot be for
himself."
"His light in the darkness and all that
stuff...?"
"Yes. Now you are beginning to
understand. You must continue this journey together as one. He will survive if
you are strong for him."
"I don't..."
"This I promise you, Jack O'Neill. Do
not close your eyes when there is so much to see..."
Jack gazed at her in confusion again asking,
"Why...why are you...?"
"He has selected you for a very
difficult task. He has placed his heart, his soul with you. Keep him safe and
you shall find that everything will find a way..."
"But..."
"Good-bye Jack O'Neill. Good-bye."
He continued to stare in shock as the woman's
face disappeared in the light and could only watch as she lifted into the air
before leaving him alone again. He shook his head still not comprehending why
she came to him or if she was even really there. He jerked his gaze away from
that being of light as Sam questioned in surprise, "That was her wasn't
it, sir?"
"Her Carter?"
"You know Oma..."
"Oma Desala. Yes."
"But I thought..."
"So did I Carter, so did I."
"She interfered, sir. Why?"
"Because I think she knew what I needed
to do to help him."
"To help him? Sir..."
Jack smiled as he spoke words that renewed his
spirit and gave him the strength to carry on, "He's all right, Carter.
He's all right. Someone is with him now and he's all right."
She wanted to ask whom, but somehow she
already knew the answer: Daniel, Daniel
was all right now. She sensed suddenly what must have been causing the Colonel
to get so upset...Daniel had been on a precipice. He had been on the edge. He
had been dangerously close to falling off that edge but now...now he was all
right. For now he was all right, and she sensed that Daniel had just found a
way to keep on meeting the challenges he must face head-on without fearing that
he might collapse under their heavy weight. He was going to be all right. He
was going to be all right...for now and that's the best they could hope for.
* * * * * *
A GLIMMER OF HOPE
A Friend Can Provide Light in Your Darkest
Hour
Daniel felt defeat crowd in and felt as if he
were dropping deeper and deeper beneath the surface of despair. He felt as if
he were losing himself in never-ending bleakness and nothingness. He wanted to
cry and he wanted to scream but strangely enough he no longer felt as if either
of those things were possible. How could that be? How was
that even possible when mere moments ago he was on the verge of letting
tears fall? He tried to allow them release but they wouldn't come. What the
hell was wrong with him? How could he feel so upset, so angry, so sorrowful and
yet be unable to cry? How could he feel so angry and so outraged yet be unable
to scream? Was he really that closed off from himself?
Had he really, truly succeeded in burying his true self so deeply inside that
he could no longer access anything? He felt emotionally numb, and the numbness
was spreading to completely encompass him, which upset him even more.
Months ago he had lost the ability to feel
anything at all except when giving his body to the system lord. He had spent
months craving sex and needing the Goa'uld to use him
so that he could feel something. Feeling something was better than this empty
wasteland that stretched out before him. How was it possible that all the
positive feelings were gone leaving behind this yawning chasm of endless
despair and constant aloneness? Would he ever be able to feel anything at all
again? God, if Jack truly did give up on him and rejected him what would happen
to himself then? Would he completely die? Would that little ember of spirit of
his soul, of his heart wink out, casting him into a robotic trance that would
become his entire existence? Would he soon simply exist as a cold, emotionless,
heartless, empty robot with no feelings, no emotions, no
nothing just...just a silent object going through the motions of what had at
one time been a human being's life? Would he soon suffer a never-ending
existence that made him dead inside but mobile, a robot, a true drudge, a
drone, menial labor, a spiritless, soulless machine?
He held Zeenan
tighter feeling desperation grow into an almost living breathing entity. He
sucked in his bottom lip beginning to nervously gnaw it as despair threatened
to drown him. He gripped Zeenan's shirt so tightly in
his hands afraid to let go. Zeenan's hands started to
rub gently up and down across his back attempting to soothe his already frayed,
taut nerves. Daniel sighed and clenched Zeenan's
shirt tighter in his fists before softly inquiring, "Why Zeenan...?"
"Why what, young
one?"
"Why do you care? Why do you care what
happens to me?"
Zeenan closed his eyes and held Daniel tighter
against him. How could Daniel ask such a thing? How could he not know the
answer to that question? Daniel couldn't yet comprehend why anyone would bother
to care for him anymore. When Osiris forced his
compliance in the bedchamber he also forced Daniel to perform an act he would
never be able to forgive himself for...betrayal. Since the time when Daniel
first "betrayed" his lover his self-esteem dropped even lower. He
became depressed and anxious, which finally had led him to this day. He
believed that Daniel now hated himself for betraying his Jack, and though there
was nothing to forgive in Daniel's actions he would forever blame himself for
committing what he believed to be an act of outright betrayal repetitively.
Since that day Zeenan noticed small changes in the
man he came to respect and love as if he were his own brother. Daniel rarely
smiled after that day and often he would find the man sitting in the bath, his
head bowed and arms wrapped around his body as if to protect himself...or ward
off anyone who dared to attempt to breech his newly erected defenses. He was
much sadder than previously, and little by little Zeenan could see the man deteriorating and watched as the
young man's life fell apart by the day. He had tried so many times to pull
Daniel back from the brink of despair and hopelessness but Daniel Jackson
fought him all the way...he was so convinced that he had betrayed his lover,
betrayed the pure love he had for Jack O'Neill that he had started to punish
himself. Daniel could no longer feel much of anything. He had trained himself
to feel only when making love with Osiris. When
performing a sexual act, whether it was in front of an audience or in their
private chambers; that was when Daniel Jackson came alive. All other times the
man appeared to show little emotion...except intense sadness and depression.
Though he had been scared to death upon finding Daniel trying to slit his
wrists he wasn't as surprised as he probably should have been for he knew,
could still see, how Daniel was disappearing before their very eyes and Osiris was too blind to see it. He had no idea that he was
destroying his servant ever so slowly, torturing him and holding onto him as he
continued to whither away and vanish.
Zeenan listened to the man now as he breathed
shakily. He could feel Daniel's lithe warm body pressed up against
him...actually balled up against him. He had learned this man's defense shields
so easily, and knew that curling inward on himself was
a common action for the man to take when he felt threatened or in immense
anguish. Daniel was suffering even now; though the pain he was now suffering
was not physical, it was psychological and emotional... He swallowed hard as he
thought over the simple question Daniel just asked him: why did he care? How
was he supposed to answer that? He didn't want to say anything that would have
the potential to drive the young man back towards the precipice. Daniel had
almost taken his own life a few short moments ago and if he didn't proceed with
caution Daniel would probably attempt it again. He hoped that he would say the
correct things. He answered, "Because it is my duty to protect you, young
one."
"So you only care about me because I
belong to your lord and he has a fondness for me?"
No, young one, listen to my words. Please... Zeenan could hear the disappointment in Daniel's voice and
knew that the young man still couldn't comprehend how anyone could care so
deeply for him. Daniel had completely misunderstood Zeenan's
words so he tried again, "No, Daniel, you are wrong. I care deeply for you
yes. You are a very good friend. I am honored to have met you. You ask why I
care, young one? I ask how can I not?
I have vowed to always protect you not because you belong to my lord but
because I care deeply for you. Daniel, you are very important to me, so very
important..."
"But why? I..."
"Do not believe yourself worthy of care
and concern?"
Daniel jolted in his arms and Zeenan could hear the man's shaky inhalations before he
asked, "What? That's not true..."
Zeenan nodded his head slightly before continuing
in his soft voice, "Is it not? Tell me why it is not true, Daniel."
He opened his mouth to speak, to retort, but
couldn't think of anything to say. He didn't feel that way, he didn't! But what
if he did and just didn't yet realize... Zeenan
continued in that soothing voice of his, "You do not believe that you are
worthy of another's love, another's care...another's concern. Our lord has done
this to you, Daniel, by forcing you to make a decision that was never easy and
was very unfair."
"What?"
"You believe that you have betrayed
him..."
"What...who?"
"You know of whom I speak, young one.
You believe that you have betrayed him therefore you do not deserve to be
loved, or to be cared for because you have destroyed the one you love above
everyone else."
"That's not..."
"Daniel, you did not betray anyone. You
cannot betray what has always been inside of you, in your heart. You love him and
your love for him is pure...your heart belongs to him and has always belonged
to him. You have never betrayed that love though you believe that you have.
Daniel, you were given an unfair choice. If you did not willingly please our
lord he would have destroyed planets until he gained your complete cooperation.
When you agreed you did so out of love and compassion for those you did not
even know. You have a selfless nature, my friend. You will sacrifice yourself
to save another despite the consequences... You had no choice. If you did not
cooperate he would have destroyed others like Alandria,
and when you agreed you became more than his personal attendant. You sacrificed
your heart...yourself to ensure that no other would die senselessly. You had to
make a very personal sacrifice. You have never betrayed your Jack, Daniel, for
even now you call out to him. When you are pleasing our lord or being pleased
by him in return, your heart, your soul, your spirit is not in those acts, for
at those times you surrender your heart, you surrender your soul and you
surrender your spirit into the tender loving arms of your Jack. He is your
salvation. He is the one for whom you have locked your heart. He is the one for
whom you have locked up your emotions. He is the one who has the power to bring
you back to life again, not for a few hours or brief moments in time when you
allow yourself to feel emotions while performing for our lord, no, he has the
power to bring you back to life completely..."
"Zeenan,
I...I..."
Zeenan listened to Daniel who wanted to speak but
couldn't seem to put words with his voice. He gently urged, "Come with me
Daniel."
"Where...where are we going?"
"You have not visited my chamber in a
long time, though I have permitted you to enter. Come..."
"Meditate? You want me to...No, I
can't...I can't. It won't work, Zeenan."
"Please, Daniel. You are in desperate
need for something so allow me to help you. You may find some calm in your
otherwise chaotic life if only for a few hours. Please come."
"I'm..."
"Please."
He could feel Daniel's head bobbing up and
down in agreement, so he carefully eased his hold on Daniel as he stood up,
then helped the young man to his feet. He gathered the knife and proceeded to
lead a very quite, silent Daniel to his room.
Once inside he urged Daniel to sit and worked
on cleaning his newest injuries. Daniel said nothing but as Zeenan
touched his arm he tensed considerably. Zeenan cast a
leering eye upon the man unsure of why Daniel was responding in such a way to
the touch on his arm. He decided that talking to him might ease the young
linguist's mind some so he said, "You remind me of someone too, Daniel.
Have I ever told you that before?"
Daniel glanced up and focused on Zeenan, obvious interest and curiosity written in his eyes
and across his face. He didn't speak merely shook his head. Zeenan
nodded then focused on cleaning Daniel's arm again. Silence stretched between
them before Zeenan spoke again, "I have a
brother...well had a brother..."
"You...you did? What...what
happened?"
"He did not believe in the gods. He made
his opinions very verbal...he was...sacrificed for his beliefs."
"Made into a martyr?"
"Yes...of a sort."
"Who killed him?"
"He was executed and displayed..."
"Who killed him, Zeenan?"
Zeenan refused to meet Daniel's eyes as he
responded softly, "My former lord."
"Yu? Yu killed your brother? Is that why you
left?"
"No, no. I did not leave Yu's service
for I believed our god was just in his decision. I no longer believe it is true
but it is much too late for my brother now."
"Oh..."
Daniel watched the
"Oh but it is, young one. It is."
"How could it be?"
"Because I gave the
order."
Daniel felt as if he had been struck in the
stomach as the shock of that revelation filled him. He said, "On Yu's
order..."
Zeenan stopped, gently releasing Daniel's arm
before cupping the side of his face in his hand answering, "You are always
quick to believe in the good of others, my friend. If you had known me back
then you would now be frightened of me. I was much different. I did horrible
things. Daniel, I ordered people's houses destroyed, participated in
interrogations and even enjoyed tormenting captives. I was not someone who
deserved respect. I instilled great fear in others, Daniel. I do not even
deserve your friendship, young one."
"That's bullshit!" came Daniel's vehement reply, which shocked Zeenan. He focused intently on Daniel sure he would see
loathing now in those blue eyes but he saw none. He needed to make Daniel realize
that he had not always been as he now was, "Daniel, if I had met you back
then I would not have thought twice about hurting you. I might have even tried
to kill you."
"No."
"Yes."
"You would've tried but I doubt that you
could have gone through with it."
"I served my lord, Daniel. I obeyed his
rules."
"Yes but you're not a cold-blooded
murderer."
"I ordered deaths, Daniel. I have killed
before."
"So have I, Zeenan,
so have I..."
Zeenan watched Daniel, seeing the truth of those
words in the man's eyes and the regrets for having to resort to such harsh
means along with all the anguish he was presently suffering. Before him was a very tormented soul. Daniel Jackson was fading away to be
replaced by a stranger. The man he had come to love as his brother was so
different now. Daniel was losing himself and Zeenan
had no idea what to do about it.
Zeenan reached up to gently cup Daniel's cheek,
noticing the man flinch and clench his eyes tightly shut. His breathing
increased, and Zeenan could see his need to jerk away
from him. Before he considered what he was saying he put voice to his sudden
realization, "You are afraid of touch, young one."
Daniel gasped and jerked his eyes open,
staring at Zeenan with those luminescent blue eyes of
his. He wasn't afraid of touch that was totally absurd. If he were afraid of
touch then he wouldn't allow Osiris to touch him. Zeenan was crazy. He was! He had to be! What a ridiculous
notion. It was really, truly a silly notion...him afraid of touch? Yeah right,
but even while he was making light of the comment he could feel a fear deep
inside himself...a fear that Zeenan may have realized
something that he himself failed to see. Could he truly be afraid of touch? If
he were wouldn't he know that he was? How could he be afraid of touch
when...well, he had always been leery of touch growing up, especially after his
parents had died but he had never shrugged away from touch...not when Jack
touched him or Sam or Teal'c but what if...surely
he...no that was totally preposterous. It was. He shook his head as he silenced
his wandering thoughts, focusing on Zeenan when the
man spoke even softer, "Our lord has placed this fear within you. You no
longer trust touch. Is this because you feel you have betrayed your Jack or because
you feel you have betrayed yourself?"
"What?"
"Maybe it is both..."
No, no...that
couldn't be right. No…he shook his head before responding, "I..."
Zeenan continued to observe Daniel, noticing the
changes in the man overall as he continued, "When did touch become so
dangerous to you? I have never seen you flinch when I have touched you before.
Why now do you flinch and cringe?"
"I...I didn't, I don't...I..."
"You did."
"No but...no. Why would..."
Zeenan was saddened by the look of despair in
Daniel's eyes, the confusion and the uncertainty. He nodded before continuing,
"Our lord has done this to you. I do not believe he yet realizes that he
has. Do you cringe from our lord when he requires your services or do you lock
all emotions so deep inside that no one can touch you? Have you learned to shut
your emotions off so well that you cannot yet turn them on again? Perhaps this
is why you can no longer feel anything but despair, young one."
"I...um...I... Zeenan
please..."
Zeenan paused, wanting to talk with Daniel further,
wanting to make the man speak, to feel comfortable enough to share his deepest
emotions but he could not do it. Zeenan smiled warmly
before nodding and turning to light the candles.
Daniel felt anxious and fearful but couldn't
quite comprehend just why that was...perhaps because Zeenan
was so very close to the truth...the truth he didn't even want to admit to
himself even existed. He sighed in relief as the
Zeenan continued to light one candle after another
gazing towards Daniel as he did so noticing the emotions playing across the
handsome face of his friend. Daniel was a mystery still even after having been
with them for so long. No one truly knew who he was on the inside. Osiris had spent all his time trying to destroy who he once
was, and everyone else just didn't look deep enough. As he glanced at Daniel
between each candle he noticed how the man's blue eyes seemed to shimmer and
grow richer, somewhat brighter in the calming darkness. He knew that Daniel
needed to focus and needed to deal with things again. He had been ready to
destroy himself only moments before. For someone even to consider such a
drastic thing meant that there was a whole lot more going on inside than he had
revealed. Daniel was good at concealing his true emotions. Zeenan
had noticed that from the beginning. The man was so good at disguising his pain
and torment. The man was too good.
As he finished lighting the final candle he settled
before Daniel who now looked agitated. He softly questioned, "What is it,
Daniel?"
"I don't think I can do this
again."
"Do what? Why do you fear looking inside
yourself? Why do you fear relaxing and calming yourself? Why are you so afraid,
young one?"
"I'm...not afraid."
"You are very afraid. I know this. I may
not know you as well as I would like to but I can understand you better than
anyone else here, young one."
"You don't know anything about me...not
really..."
"Then share with me...tell me of
yourself...tell me what I do not yet know about you. These things I should like
very much to hear, Daniel. Please do not be afraid to speak with me."
Daniel shook his head as he sighed in
frustration before saying, "This is no good. I can't do this, Zeenan. I can't. Thank you so much for the thought but I
just...can't."
He started to rise when Zeenan
placed a warm hand onto his left knee. He then nodded saying, "Sit. Relax.
Sit with me please. I should like company while I meditate. Sit."
Daniel shook his head as he ran his hand back
through his hair nervously. He couldn't stay here. He...it just didn't feel
right. He started to shake his head again when Zeenan
urged him to sit once more. He lowered himself to the floor casting an annoyed
glance at Zeenan who merely smiled before speaking
again, "Close your eyes, young one."
"Zeenan I
can't do..."
"Close your eyes. I will not take no for
an answer, young one."
"Zeenan..."
"Your stubbornness may work with your
Jack but it will not work with me. Close your eyes."
Daniel held his mouth agape uncertain as to
how to even respond to that comment. He sighed in frustration again before
crossing his legs and closing his eyes like Zeenan
told him to. He then said, "You know this won't work. I don't even know
why I'm doing this. I..."
"Hmm, do you always talk this much when
you are trying to meditate? No wonder you cannot relax."
Daniel couldn't hold back as he released a
tiny snort to the air. Zeenan focused on him noticing
that his eyes were closed. He continued, "I do not think that this is
funny, Daniel..."
"No, of course not you just...Jack
always made smart ass comments when I annoyed him too...sorry, I'm sorry. I'll
focus...I'll try to focus."
"Hmm, focusing would be wise, young
one."
"Uh, yeah..."
Zeenan continued to watch him as he spoke in a
soothing tone of voice, "Open your ears and open your mind...notice how
the flames flicker before your closed eyelids. Focus on how your body feels at
the moment. The heat of the flames is not strong but it is present. The heat is
warm and tingly. Notice how the flames seem to dance before you presenting
themselves as small warm caresses. Listen to the pounding of your heart and its
rhythmic tempo. Allow your mind to calm. Allow yourself to drift as if on a
ship. You are alone on this ship, Daniel. The ship rocks ever so slightly
rocking you comfortingly back and forth. The warm glow in the room encircles
you and wraps around you as if it were the arms of your lover, the arms
of..."
"Jack..."
"Hmm, yes, Jack...do you remember him?
Do you remember how he could make you feel, young one?"
Zeenan smiled as Daniel nodded his head. He noticed
that the man was slowly relaxing and knew that if he continued to speak in the
soft whispery tones Daniel just might successfully relax before him. He
continued, "Tell me about him...can you picture him?"
"Jack? Yes, I still remember how he
looks...I'll always remember how he looks...God I miss him..."
"I know that you do, young one."
He fell silent allowing the quiet to stretch
between them like an invisible gap. He waited as he continued to observe Daniel
in the semi-darkness noticing how the flames outlined his face magnificently.
Daniel was truly a beautiful man. He had soft flowing hair that shimmered
golden brown in the light and the most beautiful eyes Zeenan
had yet to see on another creature. Those eyes so odd in color added to
Daniel's beauty and sensuality. The man probably didn't even realize that
wherever he went he was watched. Neither female nor male could ignore his
wondrous beauty. He was certain that Daniel was clueless about how appealing he
was to others. He shook his head and silenced his thoughts focusing on helping
the man before him to find some peace, some solace in his torrid life.
Daniel refused to relax, but as Zeenan's voice flowed over him he found himself
automatically relaxing. He allowed himself to calm and decided to take
advantage of this one moment in time when he felt centered and focused.
Zeenan spoke quietly as he continued, "To shut
off your emotions is a very dangerous thing, Daniel Jackson. You have used this
as a means of coping with what has been happening to you. You do not want to
feel anything anymore, for to feel hurts too much and is another thing Osiris can take from you. You have locked up your heart,
your soul and your emotions for Jack. This I know and this I have feared, for
to lose all emotion is to place yourself on a most
dangerous path. If you cannot feel then you cannot understand compassion or
empathy or forgiveness. To lose these precious traits is to lose yourself, for
I learned long ago that compassion is much of what you are. You empathize with
those who have been hurt or killed and you forgive those who have hurt you or
caused injustices to others. Without those things in your life you, yourself,
are lost for what is left when one loses their compassion, young one? What is
left when one can no longer empathize with another? What remains when one
forgets how to forgive? You have been trapped in a dangerous prison of your own
making. You have learned to disassociate yourself from what is happening to
you. You have learned how to shut off your feelings and emotions. In fact, you
have become so good at these things that you are no longer capable of feeling
anything but this endless despair and depression. You are dying slowly, young
one. You have been dying for many months...slowly,
painfully...you suffer needlessly and endlessly. You are your own worst enemy,
for you torment yourself with feelings of betrayal. You believe that you
deserve to be hurt and to lose yourself for it is a terrible thing to betray
one's lover...yet you cannot see that there has been no betrayal on your part.
Our lord has done this to you...our lord has resorted to raping you repeatedly,
yet neither of you can see the truth behind the actions. Daniel, when one is
raped they are not betraying their lover; they are being betrayed by another.
When one is raped they..."
"NO! NO! Stop! Please!"
"Why should I stop, young one? Does the
truth of my words cause you to feel more than despair and rage? Do my words
incite feelings and emotions in you that you cannot yet release?"
"This isn't working. I have to go!"
“Running away will not help you. You have
already been pushed to the brink. You were prepared to end your own life this
very day, young one..."
"I have no choice. NONE!"
"And what choice does self-harm allot
you, young one?"
"At least I'll be free!"
"Free? How can one be free when one
resorts to such crude means to destroy themself? What
would your Jack think of you if he were to learn that you had destroyed
yourself? How would he feel if he were to learn that you had allowed despair to
rule your life and gave in to death...?"
"This is pointless. I already answered
that question. Why am I even here? This isn't helping! NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE!
NOTHING!"
"Daniel, I know that is not true even
you know..."
"Why do you care? Why the FUCK DO YOU CARE?"
"Because I love you,
Daniel Jackson. You are
the brother I have lost; you are the friend I have never had. I love you
Daniel, and to see you in such pain, such torment hurts so much. I know that
you are lost right now. I know that you no longer want to fight to live. You
are tired of everything. You are ready to give up. This I know. I can see how
you are self-destructing before my eyes and I do not know how to help you,
young one. I do not know how to help. I cannot bear to lose you in such a
senseless way. You are too good a person to lose in this world, Daniel Jackson,
too good a person. The world needs more people like you. You have a heart of
gold. You are pure of heart, young one. You care for others. You would die for
others. You are willing to risk yourself to save others...to give others a
chance. You see the good in everyone you meet. You see the goodness in them and
you bring it out. You care for everyone regardless of what they have done in
their past and you are always willing to offer second chances. You forgive any
indiscretion and you are selfless in all actions. How can one not love you or
fall in love with you?"
Daniel shook his head, feeling as if he were
speaking to a wall. He simply responded, "I'm not worth it. I'm really
not."
"And why is that, young one? Tell me why
you are not worth it. Tell me why."
"Because..."
"Hmm, that is not a good enough answer,
Daniel..."
"Well, because..."
"Why are you so hard on yourself?
Why?"
"Look this isn't working..."
Zeenan wasn't yet ready to allow the man to escape.
He knew that Daniel wanted to flee, that he was afraid of speaking of his
emotions and his feelings. Zeenan decided to continue
on another path, "Tell me about Sam."
Daniel paused in confusion wondering where
that comment came from, "What? How could you...?"
"You have said the name before. Tell me
about Sam."
"She...she..."
"Is important to you. Is she a Tau'ri
also?"
"Yes...she's a Major in the US Air
Force...that probably doesn't mean anything to you. She's also an
astrophysicist...she knows all about wormholes, space travel..."
"A scientist like
you."
"Yes."
"Is she pretty?"
"Is she...what does that have to do with
anything?"
"I am just curious. You have never
spoken of her."
"Sam is pretty yes. She has blonde hair
like...like Sarah's...blue eyes like mine...uh, petite...small
build...she's..."
"I once knew a woman like her."
"She...what?"
"She was a slave...a servant of my lord
Yu's. I...we...had feelings for one another..."
"You had feelings?"
"Yes... Daniel, why did you try to harm
yourself this evening?"
Daniel fell silent not speaking or saying a
word. He could hear Zeenan's soft inhalations of
breath and used those calming sounds to relax. Zeenan
had asked him a question he wasn't even sure he could answer. He swallowed hard
as he thought about how he could answer that question, or if he even should
answer it. Zeenan saved him the trouble by saying,
"You are so afraid and so uncertain. You are lost...confused...why do you
not allow me to help you? Why do you not allow anyone to help you?"
"I don't need help."
"But you do...more than you will ever
realize."
Daniel was becoming frustrated as he
questioned, "What the hell does that have to do with me relaxing? I
thought you said this would help me."
"It is working."
"How the hell can it be working?"
"Because you are angry...an emotion I
have not seen in you in a very long time. It is good to see some spirit still
thriving within."
"Some spirit? I have no damned spirit left!"
"And that is where you are wrong."
"Why do you talk in riddles?"
"I am not speaking in riddles, Daniel.
Tell me why you wanted to destroy yourself."
Daniel remained stubbornly silent refusing to
speak anymore. Zeenan sighed as he prepared to begin
his Kel-no-reem leaving Daniel to enjoy his personal
solitude.
Daniel realized the moment Zeenan had started his meditation. He sighed heavily to
himself as he thought over what they had discussed. Why was Zeenan
always trying to draw information from him? Better yet, why was he so afraid to
offer that information to Zeenan? He considered Zeenan a close friend yet he was too afraid, too scared to
share his experiences and thoughts with the man. Why was he so afraid to open
up?
He shook his head as he realized that he
still wanted to end his life. He couldn't keep going on like this, he couldn't!
He had to escape or he would be forever lost, forever trapped in this endless
hell. He spoke softly not realizing that Zeenan still
had not truly began his Kel-no-reem, "You asked
me why I want to destroy myself and I asked you why you cared. Why do you care
about a simple slave, Zeenan? Why do you concern
yourself with your enemy, with a Tau'ri? Why? Why do
I want to kill myself? I have nothing left to live for. Jack is already lost to
me, for when he discovers that I've allowed Osiris to
bed me and have made love to the enemy he won't be able to forgive me. I'll
always be a Goa'uld whore to him...the Goa'uld bitch who willingly gave his body to his captor and
enjoyed every minute of it. I'm...God...I...I just don't want to live...I'm
tired of everything. Why can't you understand how my heart cries out, how I
ache to be free? I can't do this anymore. I just can't...it's too much. I can't
even feel anymore! What kind of a person am I? What about me is
so special? Nothing...God I need to return home...I need to...I need so much
but I've learned that my needs are not important any longer. I'm a slave so
what I believe, what I feel, what I need is not important. Slaves don't have
rights... Why do you care about a poor pathetic slave, Zeenan?
Why do you care? How can you care so much for me when I can't even care about
myself anymore?"
Daniel gasped as arms wrapped around him and
pulled him so close. He froze in shock, realizing that Zeenan
was not meditating yet. He wanted to hate the
After a long silence Zeenan
pulled back from Daniel reaching up to swipe the tears from the man's cheeks as
he informed, "You are not alone, young one. You will never be alone as
long as I am here... Daniel, you are very important and very special, yet you
carry such a heavy burden within. Why do you not allow me to help you carry
that burden? Why do you not allow me to help you through these hard times? Why
do you not allow me to be your friend?"
"Because..."
"There is that word again...because,
because...what is with this because? It is merely a word that means
nothing...it only means that you have no answer for my questions. Daniel,
please allow me to be your friend, allow me to offer you the strength and the
courage you need to see you through. Why do you feel you cannot allow
this?"
"Because I'm afraid...afraid
you'll...hurt me too."
"Daniel, I could never hurt you. You
mean too much to me. I could never harm you, young one. Never.
If you remain afraid, always afraid, then you will never learn to trust again.
You need trust, Daniel."
"I have trust..."
"No you do not...even now you wonder if
you can trust your Jack to love you after what has
transpired here. Even now you do not trust touch or comfort. You do not trust
those who only mean to help you. You do not even trust yourself. Our lord has
also taken your trust. Daniel, you must get beyond that...you must learn to
trust again. You must learn to share your pain, your burdens, your suffering
with another...you keep everything trapped within. Everything builds and builds
until you have no other alternative but to explode...you either do so by anger,
lashing out...harming yourself, attacking your lord, closing your emotions
down... You have so many means with which to relieve the tension within, yet
most of those means only cause you more injury instead of aiding you to move on."
"So what do you suggest I do since you
seem to have all the answers."
"I do not have all of the answers, but I
do know of better ways for you to cope with everything that has been going on
in your life."
"Like what?"
"Let us meditate now. We will speak more
of this, but I must do my Kel-no-reem...give me your
hands."
"What? Why?"
"Please."
Daniel hesitated then stared in surprise as Zeenan gripped his hands firmly in his own and started to
meditate. He spoke softly as he encouraged, "When I must perform Kel-no-reem I begin by relaxing my being and my mind. Close
your eyes again and concentrate."
"On what?"
"The feel of our
entwined hands. Direct
your focus towards the feel of our entwined hands and allow your mind to settle
and calm."
Daniel felt silly but did as Zeenan encouraged. He closed his eyes feeling the
Daniel obeyed, forcing himself to do as Zeenan ordered. The first thing he became aware of was that
there was no sound other than his breathing. As Zeenan
prompted him by questioning what he heard he answered, "My
breathing...don't hear anything else."
"Listen closer Daniel. Can you hear
other sounds?"
"Like what?"
"Listen to the flames as they flicker
upon the candles encircling us. Allow yourself to hear everything. We are
always exposed to sounds. Wherever one goes sound follows. As we age we learn
to silence many of those individual sounds. We hear them but do not listen. For
instance, you cannot hear your breathing unless you focus on it. The times you
become aware are when you fear, when you are active, when you struggle to do
so... We become relaxed with our breathing and no longer hear that sound. We
learn to habituate to those sounds and we become so good at it that we can no
longer hear beyond our own voices. There are so many sounds around us, Daniel,
just listen to them. The sound of your breathing, of your heartbeat, of the
flame as it dances about on each candle, the sound of the ship traveling
through space, the sound of my voice, my breath, the sound of voices beyond the
door in the corridor, the sound of movement above and below us... These and so
many other sounds are always present in everyday life. If you listen then you
may be amazed at what you can hear. Let us listen now."
Daniel simply nodded, doing as Zeenan bid and feeling a refreshing calm sweeping over him
as his body began to relax. He quieted his mind, listening only to the sounds
around him and feeling calm and at ease. As he continued to listen, he became
aware of the sounds that Zeenan had pointed out and a
soft smile lit his lips as he realized that he could hear so much more now.
After several minutes Zeenan
spoke quieter then before, "When one's mind is focused on simple things
then one feels calmness. It is at these times when one's mind can freely wander
without fear or worry. Images, thoughts... feelings arise within you as you do
so. Do not fight them just listen and see what your mind wants you to
see."
Daniel nodded and once again silence fell
over the room. He continued to listen to the sounds around him determined not
to open his mind to images but he quickly became unsuccessful as images of
Jack, Sam and Teal'c began to swarm through his mind.
He whispered, "Jack...no, no...I..."
"Focus on our entwined hands. Know that
you can face those images that now surface. I am with you, Daniel. You are not
facing this alone, for I am with you and I will not let you go. Think of our
entwined hands as anchors, as safety, as protection and support and allow
yourself to travel through those memories, feelings and thoughts that are
arising. Do not be afraid, young one, for I am here with you and I will not let
you go."
Daniel focused on their hands like Zeenan said, and as he allowed the memories to return he
felt much stronger than previously. He clung to Zeenan's
hands, needing his silent support and encouragement to face those things his
mind refused to let rest.
Again images of his friends came to him, of
his friends and his life before captivity. As he opened his mind to those
memories he suddenly realized that it had been so very long since he allowed
those memories to intrude, and it saddened him greatly to know that he had
become so distant from himself that he almost forgot them. He had almost
forgotten those memories that were just too precious to lose. Could that be
partly why he felt so lost and so empty? Could that be why he was consumed by
so much despair and loneliness? It upset him to know that he had almost
forgotten those he had been fighting to live for, and as the memories continued
to play in his mind he realized what he would have been surrendering, what he
would have been giving up on if Zeenan hadn't stopped
him.
Oh God if Zeenan
hadn't, if he hadn't... What had he been thinking? Why did he...and still, he
still wanted to do it...God forgive him, but he still wanted to end it all. But
was death really the answer? Was death really his only way out of this hell?
He lowered his head swallowing hard before
pushing those thoughts to the side choosing instead to remember his friends and
not deal with the complexities of his present existence. If he could not
remember his friends, could not remember his life before it turned into hell
then he would never have a chance at saving himself, at returning to normal
again. Feeling a certainty enter him made him turn to those memories and though
it hurt, it hurt immensely to see his friends, to remember them he would do it
because if he forgot his friends then he would most definitely forget himself
and he couldn't do that for if he lost himself here then he was certain now
that he would never, ever be able to find himself again. He'd be forever
wandering in a labyrinth trying to find him self but unable to locate any remaining
parts of his now splintered, shattered soul...
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