The Perversion of the Ring by dvshipper and Pip

The Perversion of the Ring

By: dvshipper and Pip

CATEGORY: Humor

WARNINGS: Slash Humor, Adult Language, Innuendo

AUTHOR’S NOTES: Originated as a comment!fic over at dvshipper’s LJ. Sections written by dvshipper are in green and sections written by Pip are in blue.

AUTHOR’S WEBSITES:

http://dvshipper.livejournal.com/ and http://brabbit-hole.livejournal.com/

“Oh, Mr. Frodo - how badly I've been waiting for this moment. That horrid little ring was getting all your attention.”

“I know, Sam. It was just driving me insane. Turned me into a whiny bitch.”

“Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but I very much liked you as a whiny bitch...”

“Oh Sam, I'm so glad you're here with me - at the end of all things.”

“Oh me too, Mr. Frodo.”

“Wanna have buttsex now, Sam?”

“MR.FRODO!! I want to have that and more. In fact, I must admit I'm quite prepared to have all your babies.”

She'd had enough. Shifting her upper body around in Daniel's lap, Vala slapped her hand hard against Daniel's chest.

"Would you shut up?! This part is supposed to be touching!"

Tossing a glance at his partner in crime, Daniel smirked. "Oh it's touching..."

"And gay." Cam coughed dramatically, earning a hard smack from both Vala and Carolyn, who was sittng in his lap.

The doctor shook her head in disbelief. "You two are perverted."

Cam moved around her to stand up. "We ain't nothin' compared to those damn slash writers..."

"Yeah..." Daniel nodded in agreement, then tilted his head and smiled in remembrance. "Though there were some that were damn hysterical."

Picking up the discarded bottles on the coffee table, Cam grinned at his friend. "'Nother beer, Mr. Frodo, my love..."

Daniel had a hard time keeping his face serious as he replied. "Oh please, my dear sweet Sam - You know I'm too much a sissy boy to get my own."

As the two lost their resolve and burst out laughing, Vala and Carolyn shared an exasperated look.

"This is the last time we have a Lord of the Rings all day marathon..." Vala muttered, and Carolyn nodded adamantly in agreement.

"Hey, Cam! Come read this," Daniel called to the colonel who was getting popcorn ready for the all day, into the night marathon of Lord of The Rings that they and the girls (Vala and Carolyn) were having.

"What?" Cameron started to read the text on the screen. "What the hell is that?"

"Slash. Apparently it's very popular in the Lord of The Rings fandom. Seems to be that Sam and Frodo had quite the time on their journey to Mordor."

"Where did you find that?" Cam asked in curious shock.

"Just did a search for L-O-T-R fanfic and all these sites came up," Daniel replied, showing Cam the Google search with thousands of results.

"It's amazing what people spend their time on," Cam told Daniel. He thought for a moment and after a short pause said, "Search for Aragorn and Arwen fanfic."

Daniel typed in the search and a considerable amount of site and stories popped up. Cameron pointed to one and Daniel clicked. What came up was quite the racy story of Aragorn's time in Rivendell. Both men started to read and got completely drawn in by Aragorn and Arwen's illicit affair. Cam pulled up a chair and rested his head on his hand with his elbow on the desk. Both however got pulled away from the screen by two women clearing their throats behind them. Apparently Vala and Carolyn had been reading also and didn't necessarily approve.

"Ready for the movie, darling?" Vala asked in a warning tone.

"Yes, dear," Daniel replied sarcastically. This was the start of a day that would probably end up with many jokes and multiple smacks.

"Oh yes, Aragorn, that's it...right there!" Cam's high-pitched impersonation of the female elf drifted through the kitchen doorway.

"Yeah, Arwen, you sexy bitch. I AM your king!" Daniel overly macho manly voice followed. "Elendiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!"

Carolyn shook her head, fighting a smile. "We should've known this was coming, after what they were reading on the computer."

Nodding as she continued to prepare Daniel's sandwich, Vala shrugged. "I think the real wonder is..." She leaned in close to her friend. "Are they just playing along to the movie, or trying to throw us off from what they're..." Her elbow nudged Carolyn's arm, and Vala waggled her eyebrows suggestively. “REALLY doing.”

Carolyn's outburst of laughter had the men in the living room looking towards the kitchen in bewilderment.

Daniel and Cameron looked at each other, communicating their plan as quietly as they could through eyebrows and smirks. When they heard Vala and Carolyn finishing in the kitchen, they started their charade.

Carolyn stopped in her tracks when she hit the carpet and saw Daniel and Cameron on the couch, or rather assumed Daniel and Cameron was still on the couch. Furniture shaking and elfish squeaks coming from behind the cushions caused both women to smirk.

Vala promptly marched over to the couch and smacked Cam upside the head (he was on top). "I got here first. Go find your own doctor," Vala told him firmly, choosing her words carefully to manipulate his reply.

"Oh, I have. But two heads are better than one, right?" Cam replied with a mischievous grin.

Carolyn handed Cam his sandwich and sat next to him. Vala gave Daniel his turkey on wheat and sat in his lap with her own lunch. "Daniel? If you were an elf, would you give up your immortality for me?" Vala asked, being surprisingly serious for what had just taken place.

"I already have," Daniel replied with a mustard speckled kiss on her cheek, leaving his mark. "Plus, now I don't have pointy ears anymore."

"Was that my doing..." Vala asked innocently as she picked at her own sandwich. Slowly, she lifted her eyes to meet Daniel's. "Or Cameron's?"

He swallowed the food in his mouth loudly, and the choking cough that erupted from next to Vala let her know she'd gotten the upper hand.

"You alright, sweetie?" Carolyn asked, her voice feigning innocence as she rubbed circles over Cam's back.

Face red, and still slightly coughing, Cam nodded. "Oh yeah - it's just Daniel Jackson and roast beef aren't a good flavor combination."

The snort from Daniel's end of the couch indicated the boys weren't out of the game just yet.

"You see, with you, Vala, I gained mortality. But with Cameron, I gained adventure," Daniel replied, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Oh really now?" Vala asked, very amused at Daniel's playful nature.

"Yep. He's willing to try....different things now. Right, Jackson?" Daniel nodded. "Like that little trick we learned earlier."

"And what trick would this be?" Vala was curious now. Daniel was a little pink, amazingly, as he started to whisper in her ear like it was the nation's most guarded secret.

"That was in the Legolas/Aragorn one!" Cameron interrupted, not sure if Daniel had finished yet but not being able to wait to tell his punch line.

"My my, weren't you two busy?" Carolyn nudged Cam, getting a little closer.

"Oh, yes. Very busy indeed. Just like them," Daniel nodded toward the screen on which Gandalf and Theoden were discussing something in the Meduseld.

"Oh, that is just so wrong," Carolyn commented, not being able to get the image of old man slash out of her mind.

Cam rubbed an arm up and down her shoulder. "Aw baby, it really isn't that bad. Now the Treebeard stuff..." He cringed and shook his head.

Covering her mouth incase she accidentally spit out her food, Vala chewed slowly and swallowed it down hard. "I'm sorry - Treebeard?"

"Oh yeah..." Daniel draped his arm over her shoulders, propping his feet up on the coffee table. "It's amazing all those..." He looked at Cameron, who was doing his damndest not to crack up.

"Holes" He scrunched up his nose while looking back at Vala. "Merry and Pippin can find."

Carolyn hooked her head and raised up her hands. "Alright, that's just downright absurd." She stood up, then stopped short in her trek back to the kitchen. "Vala?"

The former thief had her head tilted to the side, and her eyes seemed lost in thought. "Actually, it really is an intriguing prospect..."

Carolyn's mouth fell open as the boys lost it yet again.

"Gives ‘tree hugger’ new meaning doesn't it?" Cam asked, thoroughly amused. He looked over at Daniel who was laughing and Vala was draped across him. That gave him an idea. "You know, we could write better stuff than all those other stories. We should start something after Two Towers is over."

"Really?" Daniel asked, trying to gauge whether Cam was serious or not.

"Oh yes! Let's," Vala put in her opinion just as Carolyn was coming back from the kitchen with a full glass of water.

"Let's what?" Carolyn asked, having missed out on the intervening conversation.

"Write something for Lord of The Rings," Cameron informed her, a playful light in his eyes.

"Hmmm," Carolyn thought for a moment. "I do have some ideas for Eowyn and Aragorn."

"How could you pair Eowyn with Aragorn? He so belongs with Arwen," Vala argued, thinking it only a little odd that they were discussing fictional relationships.

"Aragorn belongs with Legolas, everybody knows that," Daniel said in his best Clueless-inspired voice.

"Hey man, I actually think that," Cam told him with a completely straight face looking slightly hurt at the comment. There was a moment of silence, just the television playing in the background with the battle at Helm's Deep raging.

"Are you serious, Cam?" Vala asked, not always able to tell when her teammates were kidding.

"Nah," Cam replied with a wide grin, pleased with himself that he could keep a straight face that long.

"But who would we write about?" Daniel asked the three people around him. All three shrugged.

"Gimli sure doesn't get any love, does he?" Vala asked with a bit of a pout. Dwarves need to find true love too, in Vala's opinion at least.

"Don't forget Gollum..." Carolyn said absently as she moved to take the second movie out of the DVD player. "It's not his fault he's just completely misunderstood. Except by Frodo, that is."

She turned around to meet three completely shocked faces, Vala's even more dramatic with her mouth hanging open.

Carolyn shrugged innocently. "What?" She fought a smile while putting the DVD back in its case.

"Wow..." Daniel tilted his head with a curious smile. "Mitchell...she's good."

Pushing off the couch, Cam sauntered proudly over to his girlfriend. "Oh yes, I always knew you had it in you, babe."

Carolyn happily accepted the kiss he gave her. "I can play dirty with the best of them."

The blue of Cam's eyes grew a shade darker with pride and something else. He gently cupped Carolyn's chin.

While the couple shared a moment by the TV, Daniel decided it was best to give them some privacy. Vala wasn't so agreeable

"We're...uh...gonna go start dinner." Daniel pulled Vala up and towards the kitchen. All he got in response was an absent wave of Cam's hand.

"Why'd you pull me in here? Cam said he was gonna fix dinner," Vala complained as she and Daniel shuffled into the kitchen.

"Come on, if I was kissing you like that, wouldn't you want a little privacy?" Daniel asked, grabbing ground beef out of the bottom of the fridge.

From where Vala was, Daniel's ass looked awfully tempting. "The more the merrier," Vala said playfully as she smacked Daniel on the backside, causing him to stand up quickly.

"Please, don't mention Merry. Bad images of pipe weed, ale, and Pippin," Daniel waved his hand in front of his face as if to wipe away the words describing something he never wanted to see.

Vala got a box of spaghetti noodles out of a cupboard and a glass bottle of sauce from another. She wondered just how much fanfic the two had come across and where she could find some. Though the guys might be creeped out by slash, there were some pairings she certainly wouldn't mind reading about. Viggo Mortensen was very attractive after all.

"Why are you suddenly so quiet?" Daniel asked after a few moments, curious as to what she was thinking, or more frighteningly, what she was scheming.

"Oh, nothing, darling," Vala said with a flirtatious grin. She dipped her finger in the open jar of sauce and put a dab on Daniel's nose as he put a pan on the stove. His face scrunched and he grabbed Vala's waist tightly in his arms. Daniel was about to tell her his quickly forming plot for retaliation when he was interrupted.

"Hey...what's going on in here?" Cam was a little surprised at the sight he saw. After a split second of comprehension he said, "I see you're cooking but when's the spaghetti gonna be ready?"

Dinner having been prepared, the two couples sat back down on the couch to continue the major movie marathon that had taken much longer than anyone should sit in front of a television screen. Beer flowed freely and that only encouraged the joking more. "You gotta wonder if those orcs had a little too much fun with Frodo," Cam commented.

"Yeah, they do look a little sick minded," Daniel replied, thinking of the dark, elven descended beasts. Was it possible Sam was saving Frodo from something a lot worse than death?

"Hey, I actually kind of liked the guy on the right. He's kinda cute," Carolyn said, her sarcasm buried deeply enough to be sneaky. Vala could see through her though and gave a her an amused look. The guys however, were a little confused.

"The orc?" Cam asked, trying to clarify, completely missing her sarcasm.

"Yes, the orc," Carolyn was doing an excellent job of keeping a straight face.

"I'll have to remember that next weekend," Cam whispered into his girlfriend's ear, trying to sound sexy. He succeeded fairly well except for the fact that he smelled like beer which didn't do much for Carolyn. However, she manuevered herself to sit in Cam's lap anyway.

There were a few moments of rare silence and then Vala, sitting comfortably in Daniel's lap, spoke. "Daniel, I think you should get a sword."

"I thought you told me I had one," Daniel replied without missing a beat and by his playfulness he was clearly buzzed.

"I'm talking about a bigger one. Like Aragorn's," Vala informed Daniel. She saw his face drop a tad, which made her giggle a little. Seeing his crestfallen expression, she quickly placed a peck on his cheek. Daniel could hold his drink pretty well, but he was rather cute when he got beyond that.

The end of the movie was drawing near and the scene with Sam and Frodo climbing Mount Doom was one of Vala's favorite scenes. It showed friendship, loyalty, and trust that she found touching. Cam and Daniel however, had other things on their mind than the symbology of the scene.

"Oh, Sam, I'm so glad you're here!" Cam started the insanity with a rather high pitched voice and Daniel quickly followed his lead. It was all fun and games, but it was starting to wear on Vala and Carolyn's nerves. The men were on their way to getting a couple smacks and the women weren't afraid to give 'em out.

** The End **

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