The Wedding Planners
By: spacegypsy1
CATEGORY: Humor, Romance
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://www.fanfiction.net/~spacegypsy1
CHAPTER 1: Dr. Jackson and the
Jack continued to laugh while Sam and Mitchell exchanged worried frowns and Teal’c stared at the newspaper headlines. Pulling the newspaper from under Teal’c’s nose Jack shook his head. “Well at least I got them back together again.”
“You!!? With your ridiculous stick figures? You weren’t even here half the time. It was SG-1 that got them back together.” Sam snatched the paper from Jack and glared at the headlines.
“I was here enough of the time for cryin’ out loud. You couldn’t have done it without me!” Jack grabbed for the newspaper but lost it to Mitchell.
“Hmph!”
“What!?” Jack shot straight up from his chair. “Aren’t you the guy who said you were the one who…well, what ever you said…something about it being all your fault?
Sam stood suddenly, “And aren’t you the ‘guy’ who said it was all his fault a few days ago? After, I might add, having known about the situation, broken up our team, caused mayhem and madness and left poor Daniel totally confused after that horrible accident. That was…you should have…”
“You can’t possibly still be mad at me…Colonel.” Jack pulled rank and attempted to stare her down.
“Can’t I, General?”
Hands bracing on the table Jack leaned across and spoke gruffly, “Carter. I suppose this is personal, not professional? Right?”
Sam mirrored him, her hands on the table and her face coming mere inches from his. “Yes Sir…with all due respect…Sir…it is…Sir.”
Speaking a bit lower, teeth clinched, Jack asked. “So I should cancel your flight?”
Eyes briefly cutting across to Teal’c and Mitchell, Sam answered. “I’m certainly not in the mood for…fishing.”
“Fine.” Jack said nonchalantly as he sat.
“Good.” Sam smiled wanly taking her seat again.
Teal’c turned to Jack with a raised brow. “O’Neill, do you
not have to return to your duties in
Once again Jack shot out of his chair. “Fine! I know when I’m not wanted. Call me when the happy couple finally ties the knot.” Jack stormed out of the commissary.
“So, what’s with you two?”
“None of your business!” She dashed out after Jack.
Mitchell uncrossed his arms, looking at Teal’c. “Is there a big kick me sign painted on my back? Or did I win the biggest loser contest and got the…” he opted for air quotes as he spoke… “in charge of SG - One bunch of nuts - as my prize?”
* * * *
Daniel’s eyes lifted over the top of the Current World Archeology magazine he’d been reading. He removed the sunglasses and closing one eye for a better perspective he watched Vala saunter towards him. In one hand she held a tall icy umbrella drink. The other hand held onto the bright red plastic child’s swim tube around her waist.
He set the magazine aside with an appreciative grin. She had on a white two piece bathing suit, 1940’s styled, complete with a ruffle across her six. Her dark hair was partially hidden in a red and white bandana and she wore huge white rimmed sunglasses, glistening cherry red lipstick and sky high red wedged sandals. Somehow it all worked. She looked sexy as hell.
“Give up on your magazine, darling?” Vala admired her gorgeous husband.
“For the moment. Going for a swim?”
“Hmm, a shame to waste all that beautiful emerald green water and all the coral reefs…that just happen to be near ancient Mayan ruins.” She sat on the side of his lounge chair and sipped her tropical drink.
“Not my fault. You opted for a traditional honeymoon resort, palm trees, white beaches and umbrella drinks. I can’t help that there’s ruins near by.”
Vala leaned over and kissed him sweetly. “Alright. But we are not going on that ridiculous six hour tour. You promised. We can rent a car and spend an hour there and be back into our luxury bed all within two and a half hours.”
“Thanks, I promise not to take up too much time, I just wanted to get a glimpse of it. We can leave early in the morning and have all afternoon to explore other things.” Daniel cupped her neck and reeled her in for a kiss.
“Ahhh.” Eyes closed Vala rested her forehead on his shoulder. “Daniel?”
“Hmmm?”
“How often do we get to take a honeymoon?”
“Just once. Right after the wedding. Or close as possible.”
She popped up, “Once! That’s awful!”
“Yep. But those are the rules. Get married, get a honeymoon, come back and that’s it. No more honeymooning.”
Vala swatted his arm. “That can’t possibly be right.” Then after a moments thought, asked, “If I got married again can I have another honeymoon?”
“Hmm, I suppose, if you got married again you get another one. But just one per marriage.” Daniel fought to keep his expression bland.
“So, basically, you’re telling me that this is the only honeymoon I will ever get as long as I live unless I divorce you and marry you all over again.”
“Pretty much.”
“I think you’re lying.” Vala kicked off her shoes crossed the white sand and waded into the ocean.
Grinning, Daniel picked up his magazine and began to read.
* * * *
Sam caught up with Jack down the corridor, “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I was there the night he called. I remember the call. I remember waking up and realizing you were talking to Daniel…and you didn’t even tell me! Why?”
“It’s complicated and you know it. You knew it and I knew it when we started this whole thing. You’re a frickin’ genius for cryin’ out loud! Why do you always forget that when it’s me on the hot seat? Hmmm? Why?”
“Don’t answer a question with a question, Jack!” She knuckle punched his arm.
“Damn it Carter! Why do you always revert to violence when we argue?” Jack was grinning, eyes twinkling.
“Stop grinning at me like that. Not fair!” Turning her face away, Sam bit at her lip to keep from grinning back.
Moving closer Jack leaned over her shoulder. “You know the rules as well as I do. I don’t doubt for a second that you know exactly why I didn’t tell you. I just don’t get why you choose to get pissed, knowing it.”
“Because, we’ve discussed the trust issue to death. We both decided that the best course of action was to share everything between us and then the two of us hold whatever it is sacred…and you didn’t. That really hurts.” She turned towards him finding her face mere inches from his.
“Miscommunication...” Jack backed off staring straight ahead as he began walking again.
“How?” She was right beside him, striding down the hallway - keeping pace.
“The whole trust issue…to me means, well, you trust that I know what I’m doing and stand by me and I trust you know what you’re doing. To you it’s obviously that we should trust each other to hold secrets. Both work, both are necessary, but neither of us communicated what the other expected - I get it now. Venus and Mars stuff, right?” He cut his eyes to her without turning towards her as they rounded the corner.
She stopped. He stopped. Sam got that look…the ‘deer in headlights, Oh boy, I get it - it’ll take a three hour dissertation to reiterate it’ look. Face to face their eyes connected. “Oh.” She said in understanding.
“Yep.” He answered in kind.
Smiling, Sam tilted her head, “Don’t cancel my flight.”
Resisting the need to touch her, Jack stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, “Never would have, see ya later.” He nodded and shuffled off.
“See ya,” She wandered back towards the commissary where she’d left her blue Jell-o half eaten.
* * * *
The rising sun barely lit the crumbling Mayan temple. Daniel, small flashlight in hand, tried to concentrate on the symbols on the wall behind the stone alter where Vala lay sprawled seductively - begging him to make love to her.
“Not here.” He mumbled trying to sound irritated.
“But I’ve never made love on a Mayan sacrificial alter, darling.” Vala arranged her long flowing low-hipped tropical skirt artfully.
He turned with a scowl, “You’ve made love on other alters?”
She chose to ignore his comment. “No ones about, not even the Mayan’s chickens get up this early in the morning. It’s all misty, steamy, dark and mysterious. The perfect environment for an archeologist and his lovely wife. Oh!!! I know!!!” Vala unbuttoned her midriff top to reveal a peek at her black lacey bra, arched her back, pulled one side of the skirt up to reveal a shapely leg, and brought her wrist to settle dramatically against her brow, “I’ll be the Mayan princess who was about to be sacrificed, and you be Indiana Jones, come to rescue me…and unable to resist my…”
They both noticed the white light and felt the tingle, Vala rolled her eyes dramatically and Daniel shrugged his shoulders.
“Hi, guys. Problem?” Daniel shinned his light purposefully in Mitchell’s eyes. “You know, there was the possibility you could have gotten a real surprise by beaming up newlyweds without a little forewarning.”
Vala was on the floor of the ship still in pose, mumbling something about hating Asgards and their stupid technology.
While the entire bridge complement along with Teal’c and Sam
stared dumbfounded at Vala, Mitchell held a hand up in front of the light.
“Well,
“Cameron, were you listening in?” Vala shot Daniel a worried look.
“What?” Mitchell seemed confused as he headed out of the bridge, his team trailing behind him.
While Vala re-buttoned her top and pulled the skirt band as high as it would go, Daniel moved ahead to walk with Mitchell, anxious to find out what was going on.
“Daniel?”
“Yeah?” He turned slightly to acknowledge Vala.
“I left my things.”
“There’s a team in there by now getting it all, don’t worry.”
“Sam?”
Walking beside Vala, Sam turned, “Hmmm?”
“Do you think you could put one of those transponder chips in my giraffe?”
“Not a problem.”
Grinning wide toothed and eyes wide, Vala continued. “Thanks Sam.” She raised her shoulders to her ears, still grinning. “Cameron…what newlywed thing will we talk about later?”
CHAPTER 2: Tell Me No Lies
“What’s happened?” Daniel questioned Mitchell, as they felt the hyperdrive kick in.
“We got word through a
Stopping suddenly Daniel blurted out in surprise, “What are YOU doing here? And why are you dressed in civvies?”
Pushing away from the wall with a big grin on his face, Jack responded. “What are you doing here? And why is she dressed like THAT?” He jabbed a pointed finger towards Vala.
“I don’t know and just be glad she’s wearing something.” Daniel shoved his hands in his pockets and scowled at Jack. “Your turn.”
“I volunteered since I might be needed – ya know, ancient gene and all, oh and I’m retired.” Jack did a Vanna White hand sweep across his leather jacket and blue jeans.
“WHAT!” All but Sam shouted at once.
Staring agape at Jack, Vala, Daniel, Mitchell and Teal’c remained speechless for a moment before, as one, they turned half around and stared accusingly at their teammate. Sam had the good sense to stay quiet and blush guiltily.
The four turned back to face Jack. “You guys got a mission, and me and my ancient genes are here to help. So…I say, let’s get to it.” Jack took a step back, pivoted on his heals and headed down the hall, stopped and slowly looked back at Mitchell. “You tell them?”
“Nope.” Mitchell shook his head.
“Tell who what?” Vala pushed between Teal’c and Mitchell. “What? Is there another secret, because if there is I want to know.”
“Oh you’re gonna know for sure, Mitchell’s gonna tell ya.” Jack started off again.
They all followed in duck fashion. Vala caught up with Mitchell and tugged repeatedly at this sleeve until he turned his face towards her. “Cameron, what are you going to tell me?” Taking a hair band for her skirt pocket she secured one pigtail. “Does it have to do with the newlywed thing you mentioned? What is it?” The second pigtail went in place and Vala seemed to skip along beside Mitchell. “Is it because we’re on the same team? Didn’t General Landry straighten all that out?”
The troop continued towards the mess hall where
“Why are you looking at me like that?” She turned, concern and trepidation in her voice. “Daniel? Daniel, why is he looking at me like that?”
Daniel shrugged; more curious now at what Mitchell had said when they first arrived. “Okay, Mitchell hold up a minute. What’s going on?”
With a deep drawn out sigh Mitchell stopped and turned back to Daniel and Vala. Sam and Teal’c ducked past and kept going. “Hey! Wait you two, come on now, ya gotta be kiddin’ me.” But both kept walking - turning the corner ahead and disappearing. “Damn worst team I’ve ever been on,” he mumbled. “Look. I don’t know how to tell you two, but…”
Klaxon’s blared and lights blinked frantically. “All hands to battle stations! All hands to battle stations!”
“Damn! What now?” Mitchell took off towards the bridge while Daniel and Vala stood a moment in confusion. When Sam and Teal’c came full speed around the corner, skirted the two of them, and followed after Mitchell, Daniel and Vala took out after them.
“What’s going on?” Sam yelled without stopping.
“Not a clue!” Daniel answered. “Where’s Jack?”
Sam jerked a thumb back down the hall, “On our six.”
* * * *
“What the hell is that?” When Mitchell stopped suddenly on the bridge the others just barely avoided crashing into one another. All eyes turned to the view screen.
Colonel Davidson didn’t bother to face them, “That Colonel Mitchell appears to be seven Motherships, more than likely led by the Lucian Alliance, surrounding one small puddle jumper.”
With a disgusted grunt, Mitchell slammed his hands on his hips. “Yeah, thanks for the update, I got that much. What are they up to?”
“Major,” Davidson moved back to his command chair and nodded to Marks, “Bring us about, shields to maximum, Colonel Mitchell wants to see what these guys are up to.”
Quietly the crew and SG-l waited watching the screen. “Hey, guys, what’s up?” Jack strolled onto the bridge, casually.
“Not sure yet.” Mitchell commented, folding his arms across his chest.
“Daniel?” Jack came up to stand beside him.
“Jack?”
“So…well…how’d you take the news? You seem to be handling it okay. Which is good,” Jack turned with a goofy smile to Vala, and then looked back at the view screen, “because Carter is planning one hell of a wedding.” His gaze lifted to Sam who was wide eyed and shaking her head emphatically.
It took a full thirty seconds for Daniel to respond, his voice incredulous, his eyes blinking in surprise. “What news? Wedding? Wedding? You and Sam are getting married!?” Daniel was grinning foolishly and slapped Jack on the back, “Hey, Teal’c did you know that? Sam and Jack are getting married!” Pulling Vala against his side, he left his arm around her waist and smiled into her deliriously happy upturned face.
Teal’c responded with a raise of both brows then a smiling nod in Jack’s direction.
Davidson left his command seat and come to shake Jack’s hand, “Well congratulations. You two are finally getting married.”
“No! Daniel and Vala!” Jack insisted quite loudly, but no one seemed to be listening expect Davidson. “Daniel and Vala are getting married.”
Confused, Davidson commented, “they’re already married.”
“Sir,” Marks interrupted, “They’re hailing us.”
“On speaker.” Davidson returned to his post.
“Ah…no they’re not.” Jack insisted, moving closer to the ships commander.
Daniel was right on his heals, tugging Vala behind him. “Ahm, yes Jack, we are.”
The screen came to life with the face of the new leader of
the Lucian Alliance. “I am Forteem, Commander of the Lucian
Turning from the view screen to Daniel, Jack, head waggling, was adamant, “Nope. Not.”
Daniel lowered his voice, let go of Vala and stepped closer to Jack. “Jack, did you forget your medication?”
“Funny,” Jack whispered a bit too loudly. “And you are not married.”
“Shhh!” Sam scolded the two as Davidson began to question Forteem.
With a worried expression, Vala moved in between Jack and Daniel looking from one to the other as they continued.
“We are.” The fierce un-whispered response from Daniel had the bridge crew turning momentarily towards the two men.
“Not.”
“Are.”
“Nope.”
Forteem was offering the puddle jumper for Naquadah as a
scuffle broke out behind him on his ship. Jack and Daniel continued their
argument while Vala watched them in tennis match fashion. Davidson was trying
desperately to get a word in with Forteem as Sam and Teal’c along with Marks
were working on pinpointing just what firepower the seven ships were carrying.
“Jack, darling. Of course we’re married.” Vala interjected into their tirade.
“Ha! Not! Ask Mitchell. MITCHELL?!”
“Call me Jack.” Jack said.
“Yes Sir.”
“Tell ‘em.”
“Tell ‘em what Sir?”
“Jack,” Jack repeated.
“Yes Sir, tell them what?”
“That they are not married. I think you’re right. They are fighting over the Naquadah. They obviously need the cash flow.” Jack studied the screen.
“Sorry,
“They’re powering up weapons!” Major Marks informed the room. “They’re targeting another ship. The one on the other side of us!”
Davidson sat forward, “Get us out of here.”
Mitchell was patting his pockets searching for the newspaper article moving his sight from the screen, to Marks, and then to Daniel and Vala. “Hold on a minute!”
Marks hesitated.
“Not you, buddy, you gotta get us out of here.” Mitchell found the paper and pulled it from his pocket.
The shot hit them, rocking the ship and bringing down the hyperdrive with a loud whine. The article went flying as bodies tossed around the bridge.
Sam managed to stay on her feet next to Marks as did Teal’c, but Mitchell went one direction and Daniel with a protective hold on Vala went the other. Davidson came half out of his chair before regaining his seat.
“Get the hyperdrive back on line!” Davidson shouted into the chaos of noise, smoke and sparks.
Vala landed on top of Daniel who responded with a distinctive “umph!” Clutching a smoking piece of newspaper in one hand, Vala patted Daniel’s cheek with the other. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die then in the arms of my husba…” She glanced at the article then, “Oh damn!” She kissed him fully and passionately.
“Shields falling to 40 percent.” Marks yelled.
“Hyperdrive’s back on line!” Sam yelled.
“Now!” Davidson jumped up from his chair as the ship lurched into the hyperdrive window.
A sigh of relief filled the bridge.
“Ah, guys?” Jack’s weak voice cut into the quiet and everyone turned towards him.
Daniel practically shoved Vala off as he jumped up and dashed for Jack who stood by the door, a large piece of shrapnel sticking out from his shoulder.
“Sir, you’re hit!” Sam called out.
“Yes, well, let’s not dwell.” Jack’s eyes rolled back and his knees went out from under him. Daniel reached him just in time to break his fall.
“Humph.” Vala studied the still smoldering newspaper article from her position on the floor. “How very disturbing.”
CHAPTER 3: I Have A Plan
Bra’tac marched down the corridor, his
Teal’c, becoming instantly aware of Bra’tac, wiped the smile from his face, released O’Neill’s IV drip bag (that he’d been inspecting) and locked his hands behind his back.
Vala Mal Doran, seemingly distracted and unaware of the world in general, spun around and around on a stool across the room from him and Bra’tac had to look away quickly to dispel the dizziness she caused him.
The Jaffa Master observed Colonel Carter, unveiled love and concern on her lovely face, brushing at O’Neill’s hair with her fingers, while Daniel Jackson, brows scrunched and eyes squinted, stood vigil on the opposite side of the bed but his sight was locked on the blurred, spinning figure of Vala Mal Doran. And where is the other one, Bra’tac thought to himself.
A hardy slap on his back with a firm squeeze of his shoulder answered his question.
“Master Bra’tac.” Mitchell blurted out loudly, “long time no see. Man, how you been?” Mitchell continued into the room. “Hey, Sam, Davidson needs you up top. How’s he doin’?”
Jack’s eyes popped open and he glowered. “HE was doing fine until HE got woken up by a bullhorn!”
“Oops, sorry, sir.” Mitchell grinned instead of looking contrite.
“Call me Jack.”
Vala stopped spinning and smiled a bit at the Jaffa Master. Daniel turned with a welcoming grin as did Sam. Bowing deeply, the smile returned to Teal’c’s face and he moved to clasp his mentor’s arm. “It is good to see you Bra’tac.”
Bra’tac nodded with a smile. “So, tell me you have a plan to capture the ancient ship and stop this new wave of…”
“Hoodlums?” Jack interrupted.
With a smile and shake of her head, Sam squeezed Jack’s arm and left for the bridge.
Bra’tac approached Daniel, “Daniel Jackson, I have not seen you to congratulate you on your recent…”
Eyes closed, Jack mumbled just loud enough, “He’s not married.”
“Jack, will ya cut it out!” Daniel refrained from punching Jack’s injured shoulder. Feeling Vala’s presence beside him, Daniel turned with a quick smile at her.
“Look,
“Call me Jack.” Jack insisted yet again as the medic shot something into his IV.
Bra’tac studied the group, knowing full well that this would turn into another one of their strange and unexplainable scenarios. He held silent in anticipation.
“Iss tue, really Danny, iss tue.” Jack’s eyes fluttered then and closed.
“God damn it, Jack, that’s just not funny!”
Vala gently tugged at Daniel’s sleeve. “Daniel.”
Eyes popping fully open in surprise to Daniel’s yelling, Jack tried to focus on his friend’s face. “Ast Mishel.”
With the newspaper article in one hand, Vala continued to tug, “Daniel.”
The ship lurched and Mitchell turned towards the door, “Ah, come on, what the hell has she done now!?” He sprinted out - Bra’tac and Teal’c right behind him.
Daniel’s head dropped dramatically for a minute then he too dashed into the corridor. Vala folded the evidence and stuck it in her BDU breast pocket. She gently patted Jack’s shoulder, kissed his forehead and whispered. “Good night, Jack.”
* * * *
Major Marks and Sam had had part of the control panel taken apart and were studying the chaos of wires by the time the rest of them reached the bridge. “What’s up?” Mitchell asked standing behind the two.
“Fluctuations in the…”
Mitchell spoke up before she could continue. “Okay, that’s enough, I get it.” Moving away he joined Daniel, Vala and Teal’c where they stood staring disinterested and uselessly at the array of stars outside the view screen.
Daniel blinked lazily. “I could use some food,” he commented idly.
“Me too!” Vala stated still staring straight ahead. Teal’c responded immediately, “As could I.”
The three looked at Mitchell who then looked back over his shoulder at Colonel Davidson, on to Bra’tac, then to Sam. “You up for dinner, Sam? You look exhausted.”
Now standing behind the technicians as they worked, Sam nodded, “I’m starving. Bra’tac?”
“I will go and sit with O’Neill.”
Nodding to the Jaffa Master SG-1 headed off in search of food.
* * * *
“So now what?” Elbows propped on the table and chin held up with both hands, Vala fought to keep her eyes open.
“I have to get the hyperdrive back on line.” Sam rested her head on Teal’c’s shoulder and closed her eyes.
“Well, Sam, they do have people on this ship who can do that. What good would it do to travel through space on a ship they couldn’t repair without you?” Mitchell grinned wickedly at her.
“Perhaps they could create a hologram of her on each ship as they did with the doctor on…”
“I get it.” Mitchell interrupted Teal’c, while Vala grinned and nodded her head emphatically in agreement.
Sitting up Sam glared playfully at the Colonel. “Okay, Mr. Know It All – I’ve Read the File, I know that, but I feel I should be in there helping somehow.”
“We’re all exhausted. None of us will do anybody any good until we get some rest; it's late – or early. We'll start again after we get some rest. That’s an order.”
“Alright Daniel. Time to talk.” Vala threw back the covers in invitation.
Rubbing his tired eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose Daniel mumbled tiredly. “Vala we're both exhausted. Let's sleep and talk tomorrow.” Opening his eyes he looked down, “What the hell are you wearing!?”
“Mitchell's boxers. Seriously, Daniel. I have something I need to...well...tell you.”
“Oh my god, you're not pregnant?”
“NO! “ Vala scooted over as he crawled into the small bed in the quarters they had been assigned.
Yawning, he mumbled sleepily. “Good, not ready for that…yet…” Settling beside her, Daniel pulled her to him until her back came against his chest. Arm draped across her waist, he fell asleep.
“Alright. Sleep.” With a happy smile Vala snuggled closer, “did you say yet?” She drifted off.
“Daniel!” Vala scolded.
“Hmmmm?” He continued to explore.
“It's three in the morning.” She laughed softly.
“How do you know?” He whispered in her ear, where he nibbled.
“I ...” she drew a ragged breath, “I can read the little red numbers on the clock.”
“So?” The word was spoken from the soft, hot wetness of his mouth where it played against her skin.
“Mmm, so...” She gasped. “Daniel, I thought you were sleepy.”
“I was. Now I'm not.” His voice grew deeper, huskier.
“We...we should talk, ah, oh, ahm...”
“Vala?” he pleaded.
“Hmmm?” she sighed
“Later. Talk later.”
“Mmmm.”
When Vala woke around six that morning, Daniel had already
left. “Damn.” At some point she was going to have to tell him. That thought
actually made her smile. After all, a second wedding requires a second
honeymoon. Next honeymoon, we are going
off world! She dressed quickly and scurried out, headed for the bridge,
detouring through the mess hall where she procured a banana, an apple and an
orange. Biting into the apple she thought, and next time, we are leaving the transponder chips at home!
* * * *
“General.” Davidson greeted Jack as he entered the bridge.
“Retired!” Jack snapped looking tired and in pain.
Other than Sam, who smashed her lips to keep the big smile in check, the entire bridge complement including most of SG-1 went about their work, heads down.
“O'Neill.” Teal'c, the only one brave enough to attempt to engage Jack in conversation addressed his friend tentatively. “We have been discussing our possible options with Bra'tac. That is once the Odyssey has been restored to its full capacity.”
Jack settled gingerly in Davidson's chair. “Can't we just tractor beam the damned thing!”
Davidson, Mitchell and Daniel turned, mouths agape, and
stared at Jack. Teal'c, looking serious, spoke. “O'Neill, this is not the
“Well, by god, the next one will be if I have anything to do with it!” Jack stretched his aching shoulder and moved from Davidson's chair to sit in Marks’. The Major along with Sam looked up at him from their position on the floor, where they worked on an open panel.
Sam grinned. “Sir, you're retired.”
Grimacing in pain, Jack snapped out, “Then quit calling me Sir, Carter!”
“Quit calling me Carter.”
“Quit being insubordinate!”
“As soon as you quit being retired!”
“Fine! Why the hell don't you ‘Asgard Beam’ the frickin' thing aboard! We’ve beamed whole Stargates.”
Sam stood suddenly, his cantankerousness no longer cute. “Because that won't solve the problem of the fire power of the four remaining Motherships out there somewhere and the fact that the puddle jumper isn’t tagged for beaming…AND we have limited fire power and no frelling hyperdrive!” Sam's voice had risen uncharacteristically by the time she finished her tirade. Everyone, literally everyone, on the bridge had stopped what they were doing to stare at her. “I can't fix it from here!” She continued yelling, “Vala!”
Vala jumped, coming to attention with a little salute. “Yes Samantha!” She answered with military precision.
Sam turned toward the doorway, took a few steps and then looked back at Vala, “Can you give me a hand?”
“Absolutely! I am, after all, THE expert on crystals.” Vala gave Sam her biggest, most dazzling smile and marched out behind her, arms swinging and hips swaying.
Shaking his head in confusion, Mitchell approached Jack. “Sir, I think I have a plan to get the ship.”
“Call me Jack.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“ColonelMitchell, does this plan involve you posing as a
member of the Lucian Alliance?” With both brows raised nearly to his hairline,
Teal'c frowned in
“Nah, that's old stuff. I was thinkin' of having Bray” Mitchell irreverently left out the second part of the Master’s name, “offer up Vala for a trade.”
While Daniel struggled not to choke, both Bra'tac and Teal'c
scowled in agitation. “Yeah,” Mitchell continued oblivious to the two
“Hold on!” Daniel finally found his voice after that shocker.
With a disgusted sigh, Mitchell turned to Daniel. “We're not
going to actually trade her
“Hell no! That's the dumbest plan you've ever come up with. It's out of the question. We can trade them Naquadah, that's what they want.”
Jack, intrigued, looked over at Daniel and whispered, “THE dumbest?” Daniel nodded repeatedly, his face easily expressing his unspoken, ‘Oh yeah.’
“There's not an infinite supply of Naquadah in our little universe, we need every ounce we've got.” Mitchell continued, eyes glaring at the two.
“Maybe,” Jack looked from Mitchell to Daniel, “We can offer them Goa'uld technology.”
With a double take look, Mitchell studied Jack a minute, “Oh. Yeah. That's brilliant...they're flyin' Goa’uld ships! Obviously they already have Goa’uld technology.” Throwing his hands in the air in frustration Mitchell walked off. “They'd never buy it!!!!”
Finally moving from Marks’ station, Jack, still looking slightly unsteady on his feet, interjected his anything but humble opinion. “Why not, people buy canned air and bottled water. Why not Goa’uld technology? It's just a matter of the right sales person. Daniel?”
“Jack?”
“You're our resident Salesman.”
“Me? No way!”
Mitchell came back to the hub of people now standing near the view screen. “Hey! I have a plan!”
“Oh please do tell us!” Daniel scowled at the colonel.
“Vala!”
“Vala?” Daniel made a threatening step in Mitchell's direction.
Clueless, Mitchell grinned proudly. “Oh, yeah, she’s experienced in ‘Stings’, she'd be perfect!”
Teal'c's expression appeared interested. “Possibly.”
“Possibly!!? You're all crazy! We are not having this discussion!” Daniel stormed out of the bridge and the rest of them smiled.
“He sure seems overprotective, think I’m gonna have a problem with him now?” Mitchell was grinning, arms crossed and head turned watching Daniel leave.
“Now?” Jack settled once again in an empty command chair. “Like you didn’t have a problem with him-them before they got not-married?”
With a curt nod Mitchell answered. “Right.”
From the hallway the ever logical voice of Dr. Daniel Jackson called out. “You could just tag the Naquadah and be done with it.”
Smiling, Bra’tac commented, “DanielJackson has solved your problem as usual, O’Neill.”
“Shut up you old coot.” Jack grinned, then grimaced as pain shot through his shoulder.
“My apologies, O’Neill.” Bra’tac bowed as he removed his hand from Jack’s injured shoulder with a continued smile.
CHAPTER 4: The Sting
By the time Daniel reached Engineering he'd calmed down enough to realize he'd been punk’d! Mitchell was a bad influence on Jack, or vise versa, and Teal'c appeared to be getting a little to comfortable with their shenanigans. It really didn't matter, IF they'd actually made it to the planning stage, and IF their only option had been to sell the ridiculous Cameron Mitchell/Jack O'Neill plan, he would have volunteered. But, of course, he was fairly certain he'd left them feeling...well stupid...with the only logical plan. Daniel grinned. Hearing a light almost giggling voice his grin grew larger and he stopped just outside the door to listen.
“Like what!?” Vala asked a blend of incredulous denial and delighted humor in her voice.
“You heard me, you’ll look beautiful, Vala.” Sam's bantered come back was too muffled for Daniel to hear.
“Please come out from inside that panel Samantha!”
“VERY traditional. White satin, fitted, jeweled - maybe strapless.” Voice loud and clear, Sam sat up and grinned at Vala.
“White! Well, I’m not so sure about that. Possibly backless?” Vala ventured.
“Possibly. But definitely white and I'm positive he will love the traditional.”
“Humph! And the veil? I suppose there will be a veil?” Vala folder her hands as if in prayer, playing the virginal bride, blinking rapidly and smiling serenely.
“Oh definitely. Long, flowing - with a jeweled tiara of course!” This time Sam laughed out loud as she returned to her work.
“Of course. That goes without saying.” Vala joined her friend in laughter.
“Vala?” Sam said seriously.
“Yes?”
“Hand me that crystal, I think I found our problem.”
Backing away quietly Daniel thought, Ha! I knew it! Sam and Jack are getting married and Jack’s trying to cover it up. Well, two can play at this game. Feeling confident, Daniel hurried back up to the bridge, looking for Jack.
* * * *
“Where’s Jack?” Daniel skidded to a stop halfway onto the bridge.
“Infirmary.” Colonel Davidson commented, obviously disinterested.
Daniel looked around the bridge which was devoid of any SG-1 personnel. “Where’s…”
“Try the Infirmary, you should find the gang’s all there.” Manipulating the controls he didn’t’ even look up. “Major Marks?”
“Yes, Sir?”
“Hyperdrive’s back online, let’s get back into the foray and see what’s cooking.”
“Yes Sir!” Marks manipulated the control panel and sent the Odyssey into hyperspace.
* * * *
“I believe, O’Neill, this is our best option.” Bra’tac had no expression on his face, but his eyes were intense and registered his intention – he wasn’t backing down on this one.
“I agree. I will accompany Bra’tac. It is the logical course.”
“Hey, guys, what’s going on?” Daniel sauntered into the infirmary and took the empty stool beside Jack’s bed.
“My
“No. I mean with Jack. Jack?”
“Yes Daniel?”
“What’s going on?”
“Oh, this and that. I pulled a stitch, or eight or nine and
the Lucian Alliance wants a trillion, zillion, bazillion ounces, or pounds or
whatever’s of Naquadah. Our two
“Nice. So how’s the shoulder.”
“Good, painful, sore, gonna be slow to heal. You?”
“Oh, fine.” Daniel turned to Teal’c. “Need help? I’d be happy to volunteer Mitchell. He loves the Lucian Alliance; he could hook up with some old friends. Smooth the way. Wear some leather.”
Confused as expected, all Bra’tac got out of the conversation was Mitchell volunteering and although he was tempted to recruit one other person, none the less he declined any involvement from Mitchell.
“We will be on our way then. O’Neill, take care.” Teal’c bowed slightly with a ghost of a smile in Daniel’s direction. “DanielJackson…” he began, then appeared to consider his words, bowed once again and left with Bra’tac.
* * * *
It was days later when the others gathered in the mess hall mid afternoon, staring forlornly at each other, waiting for Bra’tac and Teal’c to return. Jack twirled a pen through his fingers as Vala twirled a pigtail – intermittently glancing worriedly at Daniel. Sam fiddled with her hand held computer, doing some obscure calculations distractedly.
Vala hopped up immediately! “Absolutely! You darling?” She placed her hands on her hips as she questioned her not-husband.
Sam stood and followed Mitchell, “I’ll watch.”
Daniel eyeballed Jack questioningly and Jack screwed up his mouth, squinted his eyes and shook his head ‘no’ pointing to his injury. Daniel shrugged a shoulder and hands deep in his pockets started off after the others towards the gym.
“Hold up a minute, will ya?” Jack appeared to be studying his coffee cup.
Daniel turned back, head cocked in inquiry. “What?”
“Ah…listen, Daniel. I’m sorry about-you know-blurting the whole thing before you actually got –you know-the details.”
“What? What ‘Thing’?”
Looking up with a bit of a devilish glare, Jack told him, “THE not w.e.d.d.i.n.g,” he spelled out slowly, “the thing that got screwed up or whatever.”
“Jack,” Daniel began, returning fully into the mess hall, his voice low and patronizing. “I know why you’re doing this, but it won’t work. I overheard Sam describing her wedding dress to Vala. The gigs up! You and Sam ARE getting married and this attempt to cover it up by trying to discount my marriage won’t work. So back off!”
Popping up from his seat, Jack’s devilish glare morphed into an evil grin. “It’s not Carter’s! It’s Vala’s dress!”
“Oh really?” Daniel waggled his head, “Like Vala would wear some traditional white wedding dress! That’s a Sam dress if I ever heard of one! Satin, jewels and fitted! Yep, says Sam Carter.”
“Carter, IF she got married, would wear her BDU’s, not some girly girl dress for cryin’ out loud!”
“BDU’s! Ha! Sam’s THE most traditional girly girl I’ve ever known!”
“Carter! Carter a girly girl?!”
“Yeah, Sam. And are you going to continue to call her Carter the rest of your life? ‘Hi, let me introduce my wife, Carter!’ You’re nuts...Sam’s definitely girly. Don’t you pay attention to her when she’s not…”
“Fiddling with some gadget?”
“Yeah, or when she’s not in a…”
“Firefight? Burning control room?”
“Yeah, she’s always looking soft and…well, girly.”
“Ya noticed did ya?”
“Jack,” Daniel stated firmly, “a man would have to be deaf, dumb, blind and without a sense of smell not see that... or just plain stupid.” He shot Jack a challenging raise of eyebrows.
“Okay, right.” Jack settled down into his chair. “But the dress is for Vala – for your wedding that Sam is planning because the one you had didn’t,” air quotes shot out, “actually, officially, really happen.”
“Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah…sure, Jack. I’m not married and you’re not getting married. Got it. See ya.”
* * * *
“Cheater!” Vala playfully scowled at Marks as he slammed the ball out of her reach. “I’m taking a break; there is way too much testosterone in here.” Against the wall, Vala slid down to the floor folding her legs under her. “I could really use a little estrogen out there, even if you really don’t know how to play!” Vala grinned at Sam with a wink.
“Hmm. Have you told him?” Sam’s voice was low as she leaned in close to Vala.
“No. Really, Samantha, I seem to be blocked at every turn. I can’t just come out with it like Jack! I need his undivided attention, which if I get always turns to…well you know.”
Sam’s hand shot out in a ‘don’t tell me more’ gesture. “Show him the article.”
Whispering, Vala’s eyes darted back and forth to Daniel on the basketball court. “So much of it’s burned off, you can’t tell the date, or the newspaper name, just the last part of the article and the list of names, besides, I can’t just hand it to him. You tell him. Please. He will listen to you. He loves you dearly, really he does. You have to tell him!”
“Me!” Sam’s loud exclamation stopped the basketball game. Mitchell, Daniel, and Major Marks all stood staring at the two women.
Vala and Sam looked up, studied the three attractive, sweaty men then exchanged knowing looks. With a shake of her head Sam stood. “I’ll think about it.” Then with a nod at the guys she wandered off in search of Jack.
* * * *
By the time Bra’tac and Teal’c returned boredom had set in and patience was thin. The discussion on who was going to deliver the Naquadah heated to a boiling point.
“You know,” Vala pushed herself into the circle of Daniel, Teal’c, Mitchell, Bra’tac and Jack, “the acquisition of spacecraft is MY specialty. I should be the one to deliver the package!”
“I don’t think so little missy; we have no idea if that thing’s even been primed. I’ll go. I may be the only one who can fly the thing!” Jack all but shoved her back behind him.
Daniel took Vala’s arm and guided her further to the rear of the group, “Look. I’m the negotiator of this expedition. I’m going. It’s my job.”
“Ha! I’m the most qualified to deal with the Lucian Alliance and I’M the one in charge. I go. That’s final!”
“ColonelMitchell! Bra’tac and myself have already planned this mission, I believe we are the most qualified.”
“Regardless of who else is going, I’m going in case of mechanical malfunctions. I’m the only one who can fix the thing!”
Then they all started yelling at once. “Carter, that’s
crazy!” “Oh...so you can fix it?” “Oh, please, everyone knows I’m the only one
capable of stealing a ship right out from under someone’s nose!” “Steal it! I
can negotiate it right out from under them!” “
“Why the hell don’t you all go?!” Davidson had to practically scream to be heard above the group.
“Oh, good plan!” Vala rubbed her palms together gleefully.
* * * *
Daniel and Vala beamed from the Odyssey with the Naquadah to
the Lucian Alliance Mothership to negotiate, while Teal’c and Bra’tac waited on
the cloaked Cargo ship using a program Sam had created to temporarily scramble
the sensor array on the Mothership. With sensors down, the Odyssey planted
Mitchell, Sam and Jack covertly on the puddle jumper before the ship moved off
out of range as requested by the
Sliding into the command chair Jack touched the pilot control while Sam examined the panel boards. At the same instant they both said… “what the…”
Lounging in the co-pilot seat Mitchell looked from one to the other. “What? What is it?”
“Nothing. I mean, it’s nothing. A shell, few parts, nothing – just enough to fool our sensors!”
“Crap!” Mitchell jumped up grabbing his radio at the same time. “Call it off! Teal’c ring them and the Naquadah back! Now!” He clicked in again, “Daniel, Vala, get out of there!” He got no response.
Within minutes Teal’c replied. “We could not get all the Naquadah and DanielJackson and ValaMal…Jackson were not on the platform as agreed by the Lucian Alliance.”
“God damn it!” Jack tried unsuccessfully to reach Vala or Daniel with his radio.
“I can ring them O’Neill, if we can get through to them to get to the ring platform! The Odyssey is still too far out to beam them or you out right now, they should be here on schedule.
“How long?”
“Twelve minutes.”
“Crap! They could be dead in twelve minutes! Daniel?!” Jack got no answer.
“Vala?” Mitchell didn’t get a reply either but he continued to try.
* * * *
Daniel’s radio beeped loudly from off in the pile of SG gear
outside the cell where he and Vala sat. He tried to focus on it, but his
glasses were missing and one eye was swollen shut from the beating the
“Daniel,” her voice was soft and miserably sad. Daniel placed a hand over hers where it rested on his cheek.
“I’ll be fine. I’m just grateful they didn’t take it out on you too.”
“Oh no, darling, I’d be worth much more in one piece.” She gently kissed the cuts all over his face. “Daniel. I just wanted you to know…I just wanted to go on record to say…that I tried, without success, to tell you that by all indications our wedding, which by the way was quite lovely, was in fact, officiated by a person, who, although appeared to be reputable, was, essentially, not what he seemed to be, and I swear, Daniel, I had the article in my pocket, straight from the newspaper man’s pen, or keyboard or whatever, but it has, somehow, unbeknownst to me, disappeared and…Daniel? Are you listening?”
“Shh.” Daniel cocked his head. “Vala, do you hear that? It sounds like a muffled radio call. Listen, it’s faint, like someone is whispering, close by…” His head whipped around towards her suddenly, one eye squinting painfully, mouth cut and bleeding and crazily askew, but still managing an incredulous look, “what did you say?! Are you serious?” In response, Vala’s eyes went wide and she nodded rapidly, repeatedly. “You mean Jack wasn’t making it all up?” Lips pursed she shook her head sorrowfully. “Jack and Sam aren’t getting married?” Biting at her lip, she shrugged her shoulders. Out of the blue Daniel reached across her with a scowl, yanked her tank top out, to which she responded with a somewhat delighted yet surprised squeal, and he looked into her shirt. He reached in, felt the radio, clicked it, and leaned in close… “What!?” He yelled into Vala’s radio buried deep in her bra.
“Oh. I forgot about that!” Vala sat back and enjoyed Daniel’s manipulation of her radio.
CHAPTER 5: Plan B
“
Head still buried in Vala’s top, Daniel snapped back, “Hell yes it’s me! What the hell is going on? Why the hell didn’t somebody tell me we really weren’t married?”
“What?
“Later? Like you said last time?”
Vala patted Daniel on the head, “Daniel, you can take the radio…”
“Are you in a closet or somethin’?”
“Or something Mitchell. Damn it, why…”
“Look. Things are NOT going according to plan A through Z,
we’ve skipped Plan B altogether – it’s never worked and we’re gonna try plan
double A. Can you get to the rings...
Mitchell looked up shocked. Both Sam and Jack said it with him… “They’ve gone into Hyperspace.”
“Without us? They didn’t take the puddle jumper?” Jack added in confusion.
“Why would they?” Sam plopped down in Jack’s lap, thoroughly disgusted.
“But why leave it behind?” Jack’s hand unconsciously landed in the middle of Sam’s back.
“Because they know we know?” With a quizzical frown, Sam turned her face to Jack.
Mitchell studied the two who apparently didn’t have a clue they were being so open, “You said it…it’s a dummy, a bust, useless and they plan on...” He started to go on but suddenly realized something important. “…son of a bitch!” Mitchell’s unexpected yelp startled both Jack and Sam. “Teal’c? Teal’c you need to get us out of here! NOW!” Punching every button on the console, Mitchell kept repeating himself. “Teal’c? Teal’c you need to get us out of here! Damn! Spread out, let’s see if we can find it!”
Sam shot up from Jack’s lap in realization of the implications. It took Jack a second or two to get it. Frantically they started searching for a clue to just how long they had.
“Found it!” Mitchell yanked the panel from the wall to reveal the countdown mechanism.
“Can you read it?” Sam came up behind the Colonel.
“Nope. Not in English. You?”
Sam only frowned and shook her head. Jack’s face peeked over her shoulder at the devise. “Well there’s not very many of those squiggly doohickies there on the end. That can’t be good.”
“Nope.” Mitchell studied the dwindling symbols before calling into his radio, “Teal’c? Bra’tac? Anybody?”
Out the viewscreen of the Tel’tak, Teal’c and Bra’tac witness the explosion of the puddle jumper at the same instant the Odyssey appeared to come to a screeching halt, as their Tau’ri friends would have put it, right over the explosion.
“Got ‘em!” Major Marks called over the radio. “Teal’c, as soon as your ship’s aboard we’ll be heading out in the direction of the Motherships.”
Both of the
The instant Mitchell coalesced on the bridge he paled a minute then with a solid shake of his head frowned at Sam and Jack. “Remind me to NEVER hop on a bus with you two EVER again!”
* * * *
“Daniel, I don’t think we’re in the State of
Daniel looked worse then he had three hours ago, face more swollen, only one eye barely open and both dark with bruising, his bottom lip was split and the left half remarkably larger than the right half. “There were plenty of times you could have told me.”
She got the gist of what he said and eyes slitted and glaring Vala turned from her perusal, “I’m sorry, you were mumbling something?”
Thick tongued with lips that could barely form words he continued, “…only you could manage to find a minister that wasn’t a minister.”
Now her hands slammed on her hips, mouth opened in exaggerated unbelieving shock and she sputtered, “What? I…I…you think I…I can’t believe you! And oh so important to be discussing right now, isn’t it? The almighty linguist spewing out incoherent words! Ha! How apropos. You are speaking English, right? Can’t you find some rock to examine? Something useful? Perhaps a magic stone! Yes, that’s it. Some ancient technology lying around on the floor.” Vala’s hands went from her hips to the back of her pigtailed head and after searching a moment she came away with a hairpin. “Ah. There, now we’re getting somewhere! Actually, I’m getting somewhere as I’m getting us out of here, Daniel. After that you can go back to your dusty old books and relics!”
He tried to form her name in apology but V was not a consonant that he could manage at the moment and some croaky ‘ahla’ came out to which she replied, “Humph!”
Sighing dramatically complete with sputtering lips, Vala stretched an arm out the bars and around to the locking mechanism. Her cheek pressed against the bars and she struggled with the hairpin to get it into the lock.
Daniel watched her, his head shaking in dismay, she of all people should know that you couldn’t open a Goa’uld lock with a…
As if she’d heard his thoughts she whirled with hands out in a ‘Ta Da’ gesture, “Come on, you can move can’t you?” Pigtails tossing as she turned away, Vala pushed the door open and marched out of the cell.
With a penitent look Daniel stiffly scurried forward to the pile of gear across the room.
* * * *
Popping up and down like targets in a carnival shooting gallery from behind two overturned benches on opposite sides of the room, Vala and Daniel exchanged fire with the five Lucian Alliance thugs that had appeared not a minute after the two had reached their equipment.
“I don’t think I want to be married to you… I don’t like your attitude, not to mention your looks!” Up she went, hitting one and missing another of the ruffians.
From across the room, Daniel popped up as Vala hunkered down. “Nith Sthot!” he complemented his not-wife through his swollen lip as he fired the last round of his P-90, seriously wounding the one she’d missed. He tossed the empty weapon aside and managed to take out one of the other hooligans with a well aimed Zat blast.
Vala stood, aimed and hit one of the last two with her handgun as Daniel hit the other one with his Zat.
“Last one,” Vala called in triumph, “at least for right now,” she added with a little less enthusiasm, plopping down to rest behind the makeshift barrier.
Daniel’s head went back to rest against the bench and he swallowed, licked his swollen lip and managed to say in a barely perceptible voice that only Vala could have translated. “Remember the first time you kissed me?”
It took her a moment, but eventually she responded with a sigh and a dreamy, “Yes.”
“I kissed you back.”
Eyebrows knitted in concentration, she considered the slur of words, “Oh. Right. Yes you did and I almost got killed several times after that for daydreaming about it. I suppose it’s the real reason I came looking for you. You’re grinning aren’t you Daniel?”
“‘ep. ‘ew?”
Vala nodded emphatically.
He waited a moment working to get his mouth to cooperate. “You nodding?”
“Yes, Daniel.”
“There are moments…” he had to pause again to wipe the trickle of blood from his split lip then continued to slur in her general direction. “…Vala, when I feel I’ve lived a lifetime with you.”
Catching onto the rhythm of his speech pattern she answered, “I know…” She stopped to listen as the unmistakable sound of many running feet filled the air around them. “Love you,” she finished as she stood - her hand gun aimed at the door.
“Love you too,” and up he stood Zat raised and ready.
The scream of rapid gunfire that followed had Daniel tossing his arms out and looking at his chest in anticipation of the death blast. It didn’t come. He knew Vala’s P-90 was as empty as his and he turned to see Mitchell’s eye-crinkled grinning face.
“What the hell happened to ya’ll’s transponders?” Mitchell scolded, then turned to look as Jack and Sam beamed in behind him. “Get ready, there’s more of the bastards on the way and we don’t have time to tag the two lover birds,” he hollered as a new wave of thugs rounded the corner, firing. He dove behind the bench next to Vala, as did Sam, while Jack opted for Daniel’s side of the room.
“Crap! Nice mess ya got here Daniel. What the hell happened to your face?”
Jack didn’t wait for a response as the five of them started fighting for their lives.
“You could have brought a little more backup…hello, entire Mothership of goons! Face beat up and the transponders cut out.” Daniel had no idea that what he’d just said came out as mush since his lips didn’t work and his tongue had started swelling again.
“What?” Jack looked perplexed.
Daniel glared.
“Sorry.”
“No you're not.” Daniel managed a little clarity with the short sentence.
All Jack managed to understand was ‘not’. “You’re right, I’m not.” But the look on Jack’s face showed that he truly wasn’t sure if he’d make the correct response.
“Daniel, darling, FYI, which in your oh so clever Earth
iconic language means…darling no one else can understand a word you say!” Vala
had her back to the overturned bench loading her P-90 with the clip that
Once finished loading the clip he’d just gotten from Jack, Daniel sprung up at the same moment as Vala and the two sprayed the oncoming assault until no one was left standing.
Jack peeked over the bench and met Carter’s and Mitchell’s astonished faces. “Damn! Sweet.”
“Ahla? Ill jew mawrey me?” Daniel pointed the P-90 unintentionally at her with one hand as he wiped at his blood seeping lip with the back of the other hand.
“Carter?” Jack yelled, laughing, across the room, “Ill Jew Mawrey Me too?”
Vala lit up like the preverbal Christmas tree. “Oh, Daniel of course I will.”
Sam looked at Jack. “What did you say?”
“Ditto, I said, ditto.” Jack slapped the tag on Daniel’s arm as Sam did the same to Vala.
“Fine! But I’m wearing my blue BDU’s.” As Sam answered with a smile, Jack and Daniel exchanged a look as only those two could. Jack giddily triumphant and Daniel despondently annoyed.
* * * *
Waiting expectantly on the bridge of the Odyssey Teal’c and Bra’tac listened in as Mitchell gave the order to get them out of there.
Bra’tac took a questioning look at Teal’c, “and you remain with them still? Remarkable!”
“Indeed, I have become accustom to them and I believe I would be somewhat unhappy should I not have them in my life.”
“That, my old friend, is what has me worried.”
* * * *
Many hours later Colonel Davidson paced the bridge. “Where are they?”
“Don’t ask, don’t tell, that’s my motto.”
“Damn it
Holding up his hands in surrender mode,
“What about the other two?”
“Oh no you don’t, I’m way, way, way out of that loop. Non military personnel, your ship, and that puts them in your little world.”
“Well, there’s a planet with a Stargate not an hour from here. I say I drop the whole bunch of you off and you can ‘Gate home!” Davidson looked truly worried.
“Is that enough time to perform a double wedding, seems to me you might need a little more time to prepare.” Mitchell was grinning smugly.
Davidson took a cockeyed glance at Mitchell before turning his back and walking away. Just as he left the bridge he looked over his shoulder at a completely astonished Colonel Mitchell and told him, "not me! No way! They're on their own - leave me out of this! You have the bridge, I have paperwork to do!" The ship's commander left poor Mitchell standing in the middle of the room with the entire bridge crew laughing behind his back.
“Major?”
“Yes sir,” Major Marks answered Mitchell with a knowing grin.
“Top speed and shortest way home…now!”
* * * *
It was raining. Not a gentle spring rain, but a torrential downpour. Beneath the white tent where the lights still twinkled (not quite obscured by the rain soaked netting and the gray of the sheet of rain that had no intention of relenting) the ground was inch deep in mud and was currently occupied by just the bride and groom.
White chairs were strewn around littering the landscape and the once gaily decorated gazebo stood off from the tent looking sad and disheveled.
Watching the delightfully wonko bride, Mrs. Vala Jackson and her archaeologist groom, Dr. Daniel Jackson from the window of the cheerily lit house not ten feet from the tent, were the wedding guests, along with a thrice license-examined minister and the wedding party-sans said bride and groom.
The bride’s intention - having been to run happily, playfully – albeit wetly – into her husband’s arms - was thwarted by the inclement weather. Head tossed back in laughter, Vala’s once sparkling white dress, now mocha colored with mud, clung to her curves as she slid on her satin covered six, feet first into Daniel. The mud littered groom was still on his knees, just short of regaining his footing, after having attempted to retaliate from the last bout of slip and slide with his wife. Glasses knocked awry Daniel reached too late to block the hit, reeling backwards, obviously overcome with hysterical laughter and they both went sliding along, her sprawled on top of him.
“Ooohs" and "ahs" ensued from the warm, dry onlookers inside the house, with an occasional grimace from Mitchell and an intermittent ‘holy Hannah’ from Carter.
Vala popped up sitting astride him. The much mutilated bridal bouquet was tossed unceremoniously over the shoulder of the bride, by the bride, whose face glowed with joy accentuated by the sparkle of light reflected on the wetness of her mud flecked skin. Her goo dripping hand snatched at the misaligned bow tie still somehow attached to a once white, once pleated and once starched tuxedo shirt, and she used said tie to leverage her man upwards for a kiss.
One arm wrapped around her waist, Daniel flipped her over in the wet slush bringing Vala beneath him, but she squealed, loudly protesting something about a tiara and a veil as she slither and skimmed her way out from under him and tried to stand. Like Bambi on ice her legs went in different direction. Daniel grabbed a wad of delicate veil that ripped but he recovered by gripping a handful of satin, yanking her forward and bringing her back down to once again land atop him. He was laughing so hard he could barely breath, much less speak, but somehow he managed. “Okay. Now. Official? Right?”
“Yes. Finally. MY Daniel. Strange as that seems and as long as it took. I mean, really Daniel, what were you thinking?” Mrs. Jackson seemed distracted as she squished fingers around in the mire in search of her much loved tiara – a gift from her Maid of Honor, Samantha. “Well, I suppose the whole Tomin thingie seemed a bit odd, but I never-never-ever considered that a real marriage. After all it was merely a simple means of survival. And YOU!” she looked back into his clear blue smiling eyes as she once again sat up, straddling his waist, yanking at the dress to pull its tight skirt out of her way, “You resisted for so long,” she paused with a look of satisfaction, plucked the tiara from the muck and plopped it atop her slime dripping hair, “which by the way, was an act of…whatever, anyway it was useless, you should have known, darling, we'd hook up sooner or later. And THEN, then when you FINALLY came around the whole thing went wonko…but darling…I’m happy! I have you AND I get another honeymoon...so maybe we could figure out a way to do this again, I’ve been thinking…”
Popping up suddenly, Daniel shut her up by covering her mouth with his.
“Ya know,” Jack offered standing inside the dry comfort of his and Sam's house, “I really never expected –ya know- those two…” he flapped a hand around in the air in Teal’c’s direction, “…together, you?” Jack took a sideways look at Teal'c who was grinning foolishly at the scene taking place outside under the tent.
Face instantly passive, hands locking behind his back and shoulders squaring off, Teal’c responded ever so seriously. “I cannot say, O'Neill.”
Jack grinned, “Have ta kill me, huh?”
“Indeed.”
** The End
**
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