Turn Out the Light
By: natalia5345
CATEGORY: Angst
SEASON/SPOILERS: Season 10 “Unending”
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S NOTES: This fic is based on lyrics from a song called Borrowed Time by Leahy. It’s an Unending tag I suppose is the best way to categorize this… Thanks to milena_d and scifi_tv_addict for the beta!!!
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://natalia5345.livejournal.com/ and http://www.fanfiction.net/~natalia5345
CHAPTER 1: Borrowed Time
Come and sit here by
my side
For our time will soon be gone
And these tears I cannot hide…
* * * *
The unwavering starlight filtered in, illuminating only half of Vala’s face as
Daniel pulled her to stand next to the window in their dark bedroom. They
didn’t have much time left. Several decks below them Teal’c was moving into
position and Sam sat poised to press the button that would either end their
lives or begin them again. He had so much he wanted to say – things he should
have voiced aloud long ago. With the knowledge that he had no more time to
waste bearing down on him, Daniel cleared his throat and dove in.
“Vala, I want you know, even if you are going to forget, that I wasn’t with you
all these years just because we were trapped on this god-awful ship,” Vala
chuckled softly and he paused before pushing on, “I was with you because - ”
“I know.” Vala interrupted him, her voice soft and filled with understanding.
“And I want you to know - ”
“I know” Daniel interrupted her with the same tone. “I know,” He repeated
quietly, nodding. He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek but she broke away,
unable to stand still any longer, to remain under his scrutiny as her eyes
welled up. She didn’t want him to notice her tears now – not when they had so
little time left. They would not be the last thing he saw, she promised
herself.
Daniel moved to sit down as he watched Vala pace back and forth across the room
like a caged animal. He knew it drove her mad not to be in control, to be
waiting for the end like this. He would have assumed he would feel the same way
but instead he was oddly calm, merely looking on. This impatient, frustrated
Vala, suddenly full of energy, reminded Daniel of her younger self. The Vala
that seemed to have been lost so long ago, as time in their tiny part of the
universe carried on, as colours faded and movement slowed. The fire in her eyes
when he called out to her seemed like a vision from the past, another Vala,
another time, another place. A Vala that, if things went as planned, would be
revived very soon. He just hoped he was smart enough to see what he was sitting
right in front of him a little sooner the second time around.
“Please Vala, just come sit down with me.” He reached out to her and she paused
before nodding and moving slowly back across the room, settling her small body
onto the couch where he sat, resting her legs across his lap, winding one arm
around his back and leaning into his chest. Her head fell onto his shoulder as
they curled up into the familiar position. “We all agreed on the plan,” Daniel
reminded her as he tried to soothe her as best he could. “It’s out of our hands
now.” He reached up and gently removed her hair from the pigtails she had
donned earlier that evening, another throwback from the past. She had stopped
wearing her hair like that years ago. Daniel slowly ran his fingers through her
hair as he freed it, twisting the few remaining raven locks around his fingers
as they sat silent in the darkness. Waiting.
Vala stared down at the shaft of starlight that fell across her upturned palm.
She closed her fist once, twice, trying to capture it between her fingers, but
of course it would not be caught, could not be kept. As she continued to stare
absently at the pale light, which remained so annoyingly elusive, the
conversation from their earlier meeting flitted through her thoughts. If it doesn’t work – then the shields will
fail and you will die along with the rest of us. No matter what the outcome
of Sam’s plan, this was their end. The end of the life they had built over the
last 50 years. It had been far from ideal, but it belonged to them and Vala
tried to drink in the last few moments of it, to hold on to this memory. As
more of the conversation echoed in her mind she was reminded with a sharp pain
that her efforts were useless, that it was no use – they would not remember –
no one but Teal’c would know about their lives, their love, their losses. Everything – our age, our memories, will be undone. She wished
desperately that she could send some sort of message to herself, her younger,
doubtful, confused and insecure self. If only they could find some way to hold
onto it all – all the years they had had together, all the moments, happy and
sad, heart warming and heart wrenching. She wanted to keep them all, tried her
best to gather up each one, holding on tight, but they were as difficult to
hold onto as the light that lay across her palm. The tears that Vala had been
fighting finally began to fall as she felt their time slipping through her
fingers as well. Never enough time.
Daniel couldn’t see Vala’s tears, though he felt them, cool and wet on his
neck, soaking into his shirt. He said nothing, instead reaching up to stroke
her hair again with one hand while the other continued to rub her back in a
slow comforting motion. She hiccupped a little and shifted against his shoulder
pressing a soft kiss to his neck as she worked to calm her breathing.
“There’s no way we’ll be able to remember this is there? Nothing we can do?”
Vala whispered, raising her head from Daniel’s shoulder. Her eyes pleaded with
him desperately, still shining with tears.
Daniel paused for a beat and opened his mouth to answer but as he did they
heard the distant thunder of multiple explosions and a bright, hot flash
surrounded them. The final tightening of his embrace was the only response she
would receive.
* * * *
Vala woke with a start, her mind and heart racing. She lay in her bed on the
Odyssey, curled around one of her pillows, gripping it tightly. Releasing the
pillow from her grasp, and brushing her tousled raven locks away from her eyes,
she reached over and flipped on the bedside lamp.
They were on their way home. With Teal’c’s help they had escaped the Ori ships
and were heading back to Earth as quickly as possible. After successfully
making the jump to hyperspace and ensuring that they had finally thrown the Ori
off their trail, SG-1 had sat down with Teal’c to try and sort out what had
occurred. He had explained just enough to convince them of who he was and what
had happened, but remained annoyingly quiet and Jaffa-like about the details of
their apparent extended stay on the ship. After the briefing, the team had
split up to try and rest while they were in the safety of hyperspace. It had
been a long day for everyone – about 50 years too long from Teal’c’s
perspective, she thought absently – and Vala had been exhausted, barely making
it back to her room and under the sheets before she fell into a deep sleep.
After turning off the lamp once more, Vala rolled over to watch the blue
cascade of lights stream by the window, their glowing movement the only hint to
the stars and planets that they sped past on their journey back to Earth. As
she tried to fall back to sleep the details and images of her dream continued
to poke and pull at her mind. They seemed much closer, more familiar than they
should have. But it was just a dream of course. It had to be. After hearing
Teal’c’s tidbits about their long term residency on the Odyssey Vala’s
overactive imagination was running away with her. That was all.
Vala’s eyes flitted again to the window and then the nearby couch. It felt like
yesterday, not some imaginary creation. The feeling of Daniel’s shirt against
her face, his smell, the safety of his arms around her...but it couldn’t be.
Teal’c had explained the time travel business – he had remained old so that the
plan could succeed, so that someone remembered. Only Teal’c. No matter how
logical she tried to be Vala couldn’t shove away the sense that the bed felt
wider, colder, emptier than it had the night before. She plumped up her pillows
knowing that that was absurd. She tried to relax, but unable to shake the
feeling that something was missing, she tossed and turned the rest of the
night.
CHAPTER 2: One More Night
Turn out the Light
And let me love you
One more night
Hold me tight
Tell me everything
is gonna be alright...
* * * *
Under the bright fluorescent lights of the SGC, SG-1 sat around the briefing
room table listening as General Landry informed them as to why they had been
called in so unexpectedly. He explained that earlier that morning SG-3 had been
doing routine exploration an uninhabited planet when they had stumbled across
some Ancient ruins not too far from the gate. They had immediately radioed back
to base, asking for Daniel to come to the planet to examine the structures,
texts and artefacts they had discovered so far.
Vala leaned back in her chair, tuning in and out as General Landry laid out all
the details. She internalised enough information to understand that SG-1 was to
accompany Daniel and Samantha to P3X-whatever-it-was and watch while they
investigated the ruins for information about the Ancients. Not the most thrilling
assignment, but then again any Ancient finds were of the utmost interest to the
SGC these days. With everyone on edge due to the continued Ori threat that
loomed over them all, the Ancients remained their best hope when it came to
some sort of defence against the seemingly unstoppable armies invading their
space - so research on any available Ancient sites and technology took top
priority.
As the discussion continued around her, Vala scanned the faces of her teammates
across the table. Cameron sat with his back straight, hands folded on the
polished tabletop, focused solely on General Landry. Always the consummate
leader, Cameron listened carefully and asked for clarifications in order to
ensure the safety of his team. Next to him Samantha ran a hand through her
shaggy blond hair, multitasking as she listened to the briefing while
simultaneously making notes on the equipment she wanted to bring along on their
excursion. From the end of the table Teal’c looked on, his strong, silent form
a constant on the team – consistent and dependable. He was very much the same
as he had always been in that sense, but the striking grey streak in his hair
now served as a continual reminder of what he had been through – what they had
all been through and forgotten. Or at least were supposed to have forgotten.
Vala’s train of thought wandered just a bit further off the track at the
thought of the years they had all spent on the Odyssey. Instantly her mind
jumped to the dreams that she had begun to experience on their journey home
several weeks ago – that had continued to occur after their return to Earth.
Each night Vala crawled in bed alone, only to find herself sharing a distant
and unfamiliar life with Daniel, before waking up cold and lonely once more. It
grew harder each day to convince herself that the images she experienced were
solely the work of her imagination and nothing more. She had, of course,
questioned Teal’c several times about the alternate timeline – her curiosity
had always been a force to be reckoned with – but for some reason she couldn’t
bring herself to ask about Daniel. It was an almost unconscious move to leave
out questions about Daniel – about she and Daniel – as she pestered Teal’c in
the line in the commissary, as they worked out in the gym, or in the quiet
stillness of his quarters as he attempted to ignore her and meditate among the
flickering candles. The fear of what she might discover seemed to outweigh her
normally uncompromising curiosity when it came to her future, or past,
relationship with Daniel.
Trying to go about her daily routine as usual, as if nothing had changed, grew
more and more difficult as well. The problem was that, theoretically, nothing
had changed. Not for Daniel or Cameron or Samantha. Even Teal’c remained the
same as always, refusing to show the strain those years must have had on him,
stoically bearing the continued burden of the memories he carried. But the more
Vala dreamed, the more the emotions that filled her heart at night began to
slip into her actions during the day. Stolen glances, soft smiles and lingering
hands reflected the passion and sensitivity of a woman who had been with her
lover for years. The reaction she received, however, was one of a confused and
sometimes annoyed archaeologist and teammate who didn’t understand her actions
or their meaning.
Dragging herself out of her roving thoughts and back to the meeting that
continued around her, Vala turned in her chair slightly, allowing her gaze to
fall on Daniel last of all. It was easy to see how eager he was to explore the
possibilities the planet held. His eyes danced as he theorised about what they
might find, impatiently demanding to leave as soon as possible. She couldn’t
prevent the smile that broke out on her face from reaching her eyes as she observed
the obvious joy and excitement he was experiencing. Before Vala realised what
she was doing her hand reached for his under the table, slipping her fingers
into his and squeezing slightly. He paused mid sentence and turned to her with
a slight frown, brows furrowed in confusion. He quickly pulled his hand from
hers with a dismissive shake of his head and turned back to the briefing
without a word. Vala slowly pulled her own hand back onto her lap, her bright
smile quickly collapsing in on itself.
* * * *
SG-1 stepped through the gate and the heat of
As the end of the day approached, shadows growing long and the oppressive heat
of the day finally waning Daniel grew more and more frustrated with their lack
of progress. Cameron, who had taken up watch around the perimeter of the ruins,
entered the room removing his hat and using his sleeve to wipe the sweat that
had accumulated on his forehead from the humidity. When he asked for their
report, Daniel and Samantha had very little to offer. The texts remained a
complete puzzle and Samantha had found very little in the way of technology, at
least useful technology. Gamely Cameron quipped something about bringing along
more s’mores if he had known they were going to take so long to get to the
bottom of this one. If looks could kill, Cameron would have been dead as a
doornail from the glare Daniel threw his way. Cameron quickly suggested that
they pack up and set up camp before they lost the last of the daylight. The
irritated archaeologist threw his tools into his pack, and moved to follow the
others, trailing several yards behind. He took no notice of the raven-haired
woman who had stayed behind to wait for him, instead walking swiftly ahead,
lost in thought.
Daniel had remained frustrated and moody the rest of the evening and had left
the circle of the campfire much earlier than the rest of the group. Cameron
watched Daniel as he crawled into the tent they were to share and immediately
offered to take first watch, not at all eager to follow the disgruntled man
into the very small space.
* * * *
Leaves rustled softly as a cool wind blew through the trees that surrounded
their campsite. SG-1 had finally called it a day a few hours ago, and had
retired to their respective tents. The refreshing breeze made its way through
the open flap of the tent where Samantha and Vala rested, causing the battery
powered lantern hanging from the tent post to swing slightly. The shadows on
the ceiling of the tent danced and shivered until Vala reached up to steady the
light and zip the flap shut. Looking over at Samantha, she realised her tent
mate was already fast asleep so she flicked the lamp off and quietly snuggled
deeper into her sleeping bag.
Rolling over, she could see the light still glowing from Daniel and Cameron’s tent.
Daniel would be going over the translations and texts from the day, trying to
find the missing piece, the clue they had missed. She wished desperately that
she were there with him. Not only to satisfy her own desires but to help him as
well. She knew he would work better if he just relaxed. Wait, how did she know
that with such certainty? Flashes of shoulder massages and late night
discussions assaulted Vala’s senses. She shook her head to clear the images
from her mind. That Daniel, the man with whom she spent her nights, was so
different from the Daniel mumbling to himself a few feet and two canvas walls
away. All day she longed for the Daniel that haunted her dreams, eager for the
small comfort she received in those moments with him, before the sudden,
painful fall back to reality each morning. But at the same time she wished all
night that her own Daniel would open his eyes, would smile back, would see her.
She let out a sigh of dissatisfaction. She was torturing herself. That’s what
she was doing. Torturing herself. As if she hadn’t been tortured enough in her
life.
In the next tent Daniel eventually succumbed to his own frustration and
exhaustion, extinguishing the glow of the lamp overhead, leaving them both in
darkness.
* * * *
As the night wore on Vala slipped restlessly in and out of sleep. Her dreams
were fragmented, non linear; each image, each emotion triggering the next,
unpredictable, disorganised and out of her control. Events and faces moved in
and out of her mind’s eye, painting a picture of a life that was confined yet
somehow free; stranded in time.
* *
Vala watched as the clock on the bedside table switched from
* *
The pale glow of the
overhead lights replaced the darkness in the room and the languid kiss turning
frantic as Vala found herself pushed up against the wall of their quarters,
Daniel’s mouth plundering hers as he held her head in place. She could feel wet
tracks from the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and as she brought
her hands to Daniel’s face she could feel twin streaks of moisture there as
well. They pulled at each other’s clothing, Daniel removing her black blouse,
Vala pulling at his black sweater, in a frenzied attempt to feel skin on skin,
to reassure each other that they were both still there, that their time had not
yet run out. The memorial service for their stalwart leader had reaffirmed the
bitter realisation that while they were protected from the Ori ships that lay
outside, they were not immune to the ravages and finality of time, of life and
death, within their self-imposed prison. Daniel picked Vala up holding her to
him and she wrapped her legs around his waist holding on tightly as he moved
towards the bed. “I don’t want to lose you,” she murmured into his neck, her
arms gripping his shoulders desperately. His arms tightened around her small
form in return before releasing her to lie back on the bed, his eyes shining.
“I love you.”
* *
Vala sat alone in
General Landry’s garden, the green leaves and brightly coloured flowers
surrounding her standing out starkly against her raven hair, black dressing
gown and pale face. Daniel entered quietly, moving to sit on the floor beside
her, handing her a cup of tea. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling
her close, he kissed the top of her head. Vala looked up at him with tears in
her eyes. “She would have been ten years old today Daniel.” She buried her face
into his shoulder and Daniel remained silent. There was nothing to say. The cup
of tea remained forgotten on grey floor, slowly growing cold.
* *
Vala moved up behind
Daniel, replacing the now cold coffee on the console with a fresh, steaming
cup. Daniel took no notice, continuing to examine the glowing schematics and
text that filled the air in the otherwise empty room. Vala moved back to sit by
the door, her usual spot, waiting for him to finish what he was working on. If
nothing else, she had learned some amount of patience over the last few years.
The minutes ticked past in silence until Daniel reached for his coffee mug. His
eyes widened when he found it to be warm. Looking back towards the door he
found her exactly where she had been the day before, and the day before that.
She smiled and stood. “You’re welcome.” She moved back towards the console.
“I’m late for dinner again, aren’t I?” He asked with a wince. “You are.” she
answered, her face remaining neutral as she ran a finger down his cheek to rest
on his chin. Then with her thumb and forefinger on his chin she pulled him
closer pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He pulled back and grinned. The blue
light of the alien text played across his face as the display continued bringing
up data, but Daniel was no longer focused on the knowledge base. “I guess I’ll
have to make that up to you, won’t I?” He said moving in closer. She watched
the blue glow play across his face a little longer before allowing a small
smirk to grace her features. “You most certainly will, darling,” she answered
as the blue light flickered and went off at the touch of Daniel’s hand, leaving
them in darkness.
* *
The coloured lights
flickered on and off as Sam continued to fiddle with the power source behind
the tree. Vala was in front of the tree holding up one ornament after another
searching for the perfect place for each one. However, each time she moved
towards the step ladder that rested at the foot of the tree, Daniel’s hand came
from behind her taking whatever ornament her fingers gently clasped and moving
to step up onto the ladder to await further instruction. After the fourth or
fifth time he did this, Vala let out a disgruntled huff and put her hands on
her hips glaring at him as he stepped back down off the small metal ladder.
“You know Daniel, I’m not an invalid, I could have done that myself.” He looked
at her with a warm smile “I know that Vala, I just don’t see any reason to take
any chances.” She couldn’t help but smile in return as he moved to stand behind
her, wrapping his arms around her waist. They both looked at the tree for a
long moment. “That little Bambi creature is far too close to that snowman,
Daniel” Vala said breaking the silence and pointing out the offending ornament.
“It’s a reindeer Vala. A reindeer. You should really get the terminology right
if you want to teach it to this little one” He chuckled, placing his hands
gently on her stomach.
* *
Daniel’s hand rested
on her stomach as they lay stretched out in their quarters. The only sound was
their soft breathing, almost in unison, as Vala rested between Daniel’s legs,
her back to his chest. He was reading a book Sam had given him about parenting,
and he was completely engrossed. The book was in one hand while his other hand
absently rubbed Vala’s growing stomach in slow circles. She looked up at him
and when he felt her movement he looked down quickly to ensure she was alright.
Seeing her relaxed expression, he placed a soft kiss to her forehead and went
back to his reading. Warm and content, Vala allowed her head to fall back and
her eyes to slowly close, a smile plastered to her face.
* *
Vala’s eyes shot open,
she lay on her back in bed, the starlight the only light in the room. There was
no movement or sound to explain her sudden awakening, but she knew somehow that
something wasn’t right. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, Vala felt an
excruciating pain in her abdomen. She rolled over towards Daniel’s side of the
bed, a muffled sob escaping her lips. “Daniel…help…the baby…”
* * * *
Vala woke with her knees pulled to her chest, her face and pillow soaked from
the tears streaming down her face. How could dreams be so real? Create such
real emotion, such devastating pain? As she replayed the images again in her
mind’s eye, tears threatened to form once more. The baby. Her baby? Hers and
Daniel’s? Vala was still working to wake up and she skittered about in the fuzz
and confusion of the space between sleep and awake, trying to discern dreams
from reality. But that was the problem, wasn’t it. Dreams and reality. She
wasn’t sure which was which anymore.
Slipping out of her sleeping bag Vala moved silently to open the flap of the
tent, careful not to disturb Samantha. She couldn’t live with this alone any
longer. She stepped out into the cool night, the brisk early morning air
washing over her skin, soothing her flushed cheeks. Vala saw Teal’c sitting
next to the campfire, vigilant, watching over them all while they slept, and
she began to walk towards him. She couldn’t hide any longer. She had to know the
truth.
CHAPTER 3: Never Really Mine
Heart pumping wildly, Vala forced herself towards the
wavering circle of light at the centre of the camp. Though his face was cloaked
in shadow, she could tell by the stiffening of his posture that Teal’c was
aware of her approach. Her stomach flipped sickeningly, and for a moment she
hesitated. It would be so easy to run back to her tent and continue to tell
herself these dreams were nothing more than simply that – dreams. But, though
she could pretend and lie to her conscious mind, these visions would always be
waiting for her in sleep. She couldn’t hide, not anymore.
By sheer strength of will, she shoved down the fear fluttering in her chest,
clenched her fists against the flight response that was trying to take hold,
and closed the last bit of distance between herself and the only person who
could tell her the truth.
“ValaMalDoran,” Teal’c greeted her evenly, “Are you having difficulty
sleeping?” Her reply came in the form of a soft sigh as she moved further into
the light, the shadows playing over her body as she crossed the threshold from
the darkness that blanketed the rest of the camp. She stood next to the flames
for a moment, staring into them then switched her gaze to peer away into the
forest. Teal’c waited patiently for her to speak.
Eventually, realizing she could put it off no longer, she decided to dive in.
Stumbling to find her words, she began, “On the Odyssey, for all those years,
Daniel and I, we were…more than friends, weren’t we?” Her hands clasped
together in front of her body, her fingers twisting and wringing together as
she waited for her answer.
Teal’c was taken aback, not by the question – he had expected it eventually –
but by the manner in which it was asked. The haunted look in Vala’s eyes was a
stark contrast to the mischievous glimmer he had seen during her other
inquiries about the alternate timeline; her tone now was both serious and
nervous at once instead of the jovial teasing voice she often addressed him
with. There was a distinct lack of the banter and references to ‘hooking up’
that had been present during all her other playful interrogations. Momentarily
unable to maintain his silence he asked gently, “Why do you wish to know?”
Vala’s gaze flickered over her shoulder in the direction of Daniel’s tent, her
features softening slightly, but she did not speak. Instead she moved to sit
next to Teal’c on the hard ground, mirroring his cross-legged posture.
Teal’c waited but still Vala said nothing, However, the significance of that
briefest of glances was not lost on Teal’c. He knew well the emotions behind
it, having observed a very similar expression from this woman many times
before. He knew how deeply she felt for Daniel, and whether Daniel knew it or
not Teal’c knew how deeply the archeologist could
feel for her, if he allowed himself to do so. However, Teal’c was also well
aware of how much it would take for them to find each other, again. Against his
own better judgment he shot her a gentle but knowing glance and spoke once
more, “Why not merely tell him the truth?”
Vala’s eyes widened in shock but she shook her head quickly with frustration.
“Because I don’t even know what the truth is anymore!” she exclaimed, suddenly
having no patience for Teal’c’s usual game of avoidance and diversion – she
needed answers. Vala didn’t realize there was a stick in her hand until it was
flying into the fire, catching alight in an immensely satisfying shower of
sparks.
Teal’c didn’t even blink at her outburst, and another swell of irritation
welled up. Her words tumbled out like an avalanche, picking up speed as she
continued. “I’ve been having all these dreams, or maybe flashbacks, I don’t
know – but they can’t be true. Logically I know that they can’t. But the more I
have them the more real it all feels and I just…I don’t know what’s me and what
is the dreams and –” She trailed off, catching her breath.
Teal’c looked over at her, one eyebrow raised involuntarily with surprise. She
quickly found her stride again and pushed onwards. “In the dreams Daniel and I,
we’re together and I can – I see it all, it’s all there in my head and the
emotions are so real, even when I’m awake, and then there’s the baby…” She drew
a shuddering breath and wrapped her arms around her body as if to ward off a
chill. All the fight gone out of her as quickly as it had come, she repeated
lowly, “How do I tell him the truth when I can’t tell what’s real and what’s
not, Teal’c? You tell me that.” Teal’c struggled to maintain a blank mask,
clenching his jaw as he stole another glance over at the small woman next to
him.
Vala looked up at him, tears that had been held back for too long beginning to
overflow one by one. “I have to know, I– ”
Teal’c visibly flinched as her voice broke, and he jerked his head forwards to
face the fire, no longer able to watch the distraught figure at his side. He
remembered the events she spoke of all too well. It had all happened quickly,
but the scars that were left behind ran deep.
* * * *
Teal’c stood in the drab grey hallway
alongside General Landry, both watching silently as Colonel Mitchell paced the
length of the corridor. Some time ago, General Landry had requested rather
ineffectually that the Colonel cease the pointless exercise. Having been met
with a blatantly dismissive glance, he had not bothered to speak up about it
again. Yet, as the minutes ticked by, his body grew tenser and his face
tightened with irritation. For his own part, Teal’c resisted the urge to reach
out and physically bring his disgruntled team leader to a halt. If this was
Cameron Mitchell’s method of conquering stress, so be it.
A murmur of conversation, muffled and indiscernible, began to trickle through
the cold metal walls. Colonel Mitchell stopped short in front of the infirmary
door and looked up. The muted bleeping of a heart monitor, until this point
masked by the echoes of restless footfalls, reached the ears of all three men
at the same moment. It was speeding to a frenzied pace.
Seconds later, the beeping stalled into a chilling steady tone.
Colonel Mitchell turned and pounded his fist into the sturdy, unforgiving wall.
The dull thud reverberated along the tomblike passageway as he slid slowly to
sit on the floor, all but collapsing in on himself. General Landry ran a hand
through his hair and sighed deeply. Teal’c continued to watch the door,
anticipating the quiet whoosh that would signal the appearance of Colonel
Carter. He didn’t have to wait long.
There was no need for words when the infirmary door finally opened. Colonel
Carter’s shining eyes told them the truth they had all hoped not to hear.
“You tried, Colonel,” General Landry said, stepping forward to place a
comforting hand briefly on her shoulder. Then he looked past her, into the
room, and his upright military stance visibly wilted.
“You can go in, if you want,” Colonel Carter stated after a second, voice thick
with something Teal’c had only heard a handful of times before. She cleared her
throat, and then stepped to the side slightly.
General Landry hesitated, and then shook his head. “I think this is where I
take my leave,” he said. “Please give them my condolences.”
He departed. Eventually, Colonel Mitchell rose from the floor, scrubbed a hand
over his red face, and drifted past Colonel Carter into the infirmary. Teal’c
followed suit, halting just inside the threshold.
Vala lay on the infirmary bed, silent and turned resolutely away from the
visitors at her bedside, but from where he stood Teal’c could see her face all
too clearly. Eyes closed, tears leaking from beneath her eyelids, lip clamped
firmly in her teeth to stifle her sobs. Though Daniel was at her side, one hand
clasped tightly in Vala’s and the other running through her hair, his touch
seemed unable to soothe away this pain.
Minutes passed, oddly hushed and uncertain, until Colonel Mitchell let out a
deep breath, awkwardly clapped Daniel on the back, and trailed out of the room
staring at his shoes. Vala’s eyes opened at the sound, and her eyes momentarily
locked with Teal’c’s. He quickly bowed his head and broke the gaze, trying to
allow her a small amount of privacy. Colonel Carter left shortly after that,
dropping a quick kiss to Daniel’s cheek and stopping at the end of the bed to
place a hand on Vala’s foot, trying her best to reach out to her. She received
no response.
Teal’c nodded a farewell to her as she passed, but remained where he was for
some time, an outsider watching a private pain. Frustration clawed at him as he
struggled mutely to come to terms with the fact that this he could not fix. He
was a warrior, but the despair that had seeped into every corner of the room
was something he could not fight.
Eventually, Daniel glanced away from a now fitfully sleeping Vala, and the
surprised look on his face confirmed that he had not noticed the
* *
That night on the way to his quarters,
Teal’c found Colonel Carter standing alone in one of the ship’s long, empty
corridors, staring out the window. He stepped up next to her without a word,
taking in the fixed starscape outside. She looked over at him, jumping slightly
at his sudden presence by her side. She opened her mouth several times to
speak, but no sound came forth.
“Do not blame yourself,” he said.
She shook her head at that. Finally pulling her thoughts together she whispered
softly, to the stars, to Teal’c, and to herself, “I can’t help but wonder if
they would have had to go through all of this if I hadn’t gotten us stuck on
this ship in the first place.”
Teal’c drew her attention back towards him as he spoke, “And I often wonder if
they would have found each other at all were it not for our time here. Life’s
losses should never overshadow the gifts that it also brings us, Colonel
Carter.”
Moving into the strong circle of his arms quite suddenly, tears that she had
forced away earlier for Vala and Daniel’s sake finally began to flow. As she
began to relax, fatigue finally catching up to her, Teal’c guided her to her
quarters. She tried her best to find a way to thank him as she stood in the
doorway, but before she could decide what to say he simply nodded his head in
his characteristic manner and headed down the corridor.
Teal’c did not turn on the lights as he entered his room, the closing door
quickly, squeezing out the shaft of brightness that snuck in from the hallway.
Immediately moving towards the windowsill, he lit the row of candles that were
already lined up against the backdrop of stars; candles of guidance and hope for
his son and for Bra’tac, candles of remembrance for his father and for Drey’ac.
He added another smaller candle to the end of the row, and after a moment’s
pause lit it in remembrance of the child of Daniel Jackson and Vala Mal Doran.
Sitting down under the window, Teal’c relaxed his own breathing and tried to
centre himself in order to meditate – but the small flickering candle on the
far side of the sill drew his eye and pulled his mind away from kel’no’reem,
refusing to let him rest in peace.
* *
In the days that followed, Teal’c fought
back his own helplessness and frustration in the only way he knew how; taking
control of the situation in the one way he could, by attempting to instill a
sense of normalcy, to return the team to the slow routine that was their life
aboard the Odyssey. Daniel remained with Vala, doing what little he could to
offer comfort, while seeking a sort of comfort of his own, confirming for
himself that he had not lost her as well. The rest of the group was far from
unaffected though, and Teal’c did his best to watch over his team. Finding
General Landry mechanically attacking his garden, trimming it within an inch of
its life, Teal’c pulled the pruning shears from the General’s hands and quietly
reminded him of his weekly chess game with Colonel Mitchell. Several days later
he found Colonel Mitchell sitting on the floor among fallen possessions and the
remains of his broken furniture. Teal’c offered to accompany the Colonel to the
gym for a sparring match. When Mitchell refused, he urged him to go help
Colonel Carter with dinner, insistent that he get out of his room and that he
not be alone. Meals themselves had gone from a time to gather together and
talk, to an utterly silent affair. Despite all the efforts to pull the group back
together, there was still a missing piece in their cobbled together family.
Daniel joined them as often as possible, but little was said as each person
stole glances at Vala’s empty seat, and Daniel’s tired expression. The absence
of Vala’s energetic and quirky presence left a gaping and obvious hole.
Vala had not emerged from her quarters for over a week when she finally
appeared at Teal’c’s room, her silhouette blocking out the cold sterile light
of the hallway as she stood in the doorway, nervously shifting her weight from
one foot to the other.
“ValaMalDoran, come in,” he invited after a quick blink of surprise. She slowly
moved into the room, the door shutting behind her, leaving them shrouded in the
soft, warm glow that spilled out from the line of candles on the windowsill.
Wandering over to the window, Vala looked at each candle in turn.
“I light them for my family” Teal’c explained. When Vala reached the final
smaller candle she looked up questioningly, and he nodded, understanding
immediately what she wished to inquire. Her eyes began to well up as she looked
from the large man on the floor to the tiny delicate candle. She shook her head
slightly trying to clear away the tears. Leaning against the side of the window
she ran her fingers around the base of the candle slowly, reverently. Without
looking up she asked, “Do you miss your son, Teal’c?”
“Each day that passes I find that I miss him a little more. It is difficult to
think that I might not see him again,” Teal’c answered.
Vala tried to chuckle softly, but the growing lump in her throat choked the
sound. “So you’re saying this isn’t going to get any easier.” Teal’c said
nothing, only watching as she moved to sit next to him, her eyes staying on the
row of candles and their flickering lights. “How can I miss something that I
never really had so terribly?” she whispered, looking up at him helplessly when
she failed to find the answer within herself.
“I believe you know as well as I that you will always mourn those you have
lost, ValaMaldoran. You now face the challenge of allowing those losses to be a
part of you, without letting them consume you completely.”
She nodded slightly, then smiled a somewhat watery – yet genuine - smile. “Why,
Muscles, I do believe that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say.”
A companionable stillness settled over them. If he was surprised when her hand
crept into his, he did not show it. Instead, his large fingers slowly closed
around her small ones as they continued to watch the flames flickering in front
of them.
* * * *
As Vala watched Teal’c stare into the fire, the reflection of the flames
darting and jumping in his dark eyes, emotions dancing across his face, a
dreadful certainty settled in her throat.
“I haven’t imagined it, have I? It’s all true? All of it – Daniel, me, the
baby? Everything?” she choked out, quickly standing to move around the fire,
unable to sit still under the weight of this new knowledge. Teal’c watched her
from the other side of the flames as she moved back and forth, pieces of sentences,
of questions, escaping half-formed, her hands moving through her hair, over her
face, clenching into fists as a thousand emotions coursed through her body all
at once. She fixated on him again – the pain clear and sharp in her eyes. “So
it’s true?! It’s all true?” she repeated, voice rising.
Teal’c clenched his jaw as he watched her, the pain that the memories were
causing was obvious in the slump of her shoulders, the isolation and confusion
bearing down heavily on her. He knew that the weight he carried would look very
much the same if he allowed the others to see it. He was again, as he had been
so many times in his life, filled with an irrepressible sense of helplessness,
of loss of control, of frustration. He had taken on this burden – it was meant
to be his alone. He tried to pull his features into their normal stoic
formation; it would be better – for both of them – if the memories stayed
locked away. He had vowed to Sam, to all of them, that he would not speak of
their time on the Odyssey. They had agreed not to let it affect the restored
timeline in any way, that things should take their own course. The desperate
look on Vala’s face pleaded with him, he could see the same lonely pain he knew
so well in her expression and he battled inwardly with the decision to uphold
his promise or offer what little comfort he could to his friend. His gaze
dropped to the leaping fire that separated them, "ValaMalDoran, the truth
you seek is in your heart."
“Teal’c,” Vala moved to kneel down in front of him, placing her small pale
hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her, “please.” The
pain and sorrow that slipped unbidden into his tired eyes made her draw back in
surprise. Teal’c held Vala’s gaze for a long moment before his eyes darted back
to the flames behind her. She moved back to her position at his side, leaning
against his arm as the wood in the fire crackled and popped, the sparks
floating silently up into the night sky, blinking out of existence, one by one.
* * * *
Teal’c and Vala sat next to the fire for hours, unmoving, as it flickered and
eventually died out. They remained there in the shadows until the glow of early
dawn began to creep through the surrounding forest. "So it's true."
Vala finally whispered softly, her voice barely loud enough to break the long,
heavy silence. Her voice wavered but the phrase was no longer a question. As
the sun peeked over the horizon, burning away the early morning mist, Teal'c
simply reached over and took her hand.
* *
...I know you were never really mine
you were given to me
on borrowed time...
To be continued…
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