Turn Out the Light  

                                                                                                                                                By:  natalia5345   

 

 

CATEGORY:  Angst

SEASON/SPOILERS:  Season 10 “Unending”

WARNINGS:  None

 

AUTHOR’S NOTES:  This fic is based on lyrics from a song called Borrowed Time by Leahy.  It’s an Unending tag I suppose is the best way to categorize this…  Thanks to milena_d and scifi_tv_addict for the beta!!!

 

AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:

 

  http://natalia5345.livejournal.com/ and http://www.fanfiction.net/~natalia5345

 

 

CHAPTER 1:  Borrowed Time

 

Come and sit here by my side
For our time will soon be gone
And these tears I cannot hide…


                                                                                                              * * * *
The unwavering starlight filtered in, illuminating only half of Vala’s face as Daniel pulled her to stand next to the window in their dark bedroom. They didn’t have much time left. Several decks below them Teal’c was moving into position and Sam sat poised to press the button that would either end their lives or begin them again. He had so much he wanted to say – things he should have voiced aloud long ago. With the knowledge that he had no more time to waste bearing down on him, Daniel cleared his throat and dove in.

“Vala, I want you know, even if you are going to forget, that I wasn’t with you all these years just because we were trapped on this god-awful ship,” Vala chuckled softly and he paused before pushing on, “I was with you because - ”

“I know.” Vala interrupted him, her voice soft and filled with understanding. “And I want you to know - ”

“I know” Daniel interrupted her with the same tone. “I know,” He repeated quietly, nodding. He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek but she broke away, unable to stand still any longer, to remain under his scrutiny as her eyes welled up. She didn’t want him to notice her tears now – not when they had so little time left. They would not be the last thing he saw, she promised herself.

Daniel moved to sit down as he watched Vala pace back and forth across the room like a caged animal. He knew it drove her mad not to be in control, to be waiting for the end like this. He would have assumed he would feel the same way but instead he was oddly calm, merely looking on. This impatient, frustrated Vala, suddenly full of energy, reminded Daniel of her younger self. The Vala that seemed to have been lost so long ago, as time in their tiny part of the universe carried on, as colours faded and movement slowed. The fire in her eyes when he called out to her seemed like a vision from the past, another Vala, another time, another place. A Vala that, if things went as planned, would be revived very soon. He just hoped he was smart enough to see what he was sitting right in front of him a little sooner the second time around.

“Please Vala, just come sit down with me.” He reached out to her and she paused before nodding and moving slowly back across the room, settling her small body onto the couch where he sat, resting her legs across his lap, winding one arm around his back and leaning into his chest. Her head fell onto his shoulder as they curled up into the familiar position. “We all agreed on the plan,” Daniel reminded her as he tried to soothe her as best he could. “It’s out of our hands now.” He reached up and gently removed her hair from the pigtails she had donned earlier that evening, another throwback from the past. She had stopped wearing her hair like that years ago. Daniel slowly ran his fingers through her hair as he freed it, twisting the few remaining raven locks around his fingers as they sat silent in the darkness. Waiting.

Vala stared down at the shaft of starlight that fell across her upturned palm. She closed her fist once, twice, trying to capture it between her fingers, but of course it would not be caught, could not be kept. As she continued to stare absently at the pale light, which remained so annoyingly elusive, the conversation from their earlier meeting flitted through her thoughts. If it doesn’t work – then the shields will fail and you will die along with the rest of us. No matter what the outcome of Sam’s plan, this was their end. The end of the life they had built over the last 50 years. It had been far from ideal, but it belonged to them and Vala tried to drink in the last few moments of it, to hold on to this memory. As more of the conversation echoed in her mind she was reminded with a sharp pain that her efforts were useless, that it was no use – they would not remember – no one but Teal’c would know about their lives, their love, their losses. Everything – our age, our memories, will be undone. She wished desperately that she could send some sort of message to herself, her younger, doubtful, confused and insecure self. If only they could find some way to hold onto it all – all the years they had had together, all the moments, happy and sad, heart warming and heart wrenching. She wanted to keep them all, tried her best to gather up each one, holding on tight, but they were as difficult to hold onto as the light that lay across her palm. The tears that Vala had been fighting finally began to fall as she felt their time slipping through her fingers as well. Never enough time.

Daniel couldn’t see Vala’s tears, though he felt them, cool and wet on his neck, soaking into his shirt. He said nothing, instead reaching up to stroke her hair again with one hand while the other continued to rub her back in a slow comforting motion. She hiccupped a little and shifted against his shoulder pressing a soft kiss to his neck as she worked to calm her breathing.

“There’s no way we’ll be able to remember this is there? Nothing we can do?” Vala whispered, raising her head from Daniel’s shoulder. Her eyes pleaded with him desperately, still shining with tears.

Daniel paused for a beat and opened his mouth to answer but as he did they heard the distant thunder of multiple explosions and a bright, hot flash surrounded them. The final tightening of his embrace was the only response she would receive.

                                                                                                              * * * *
Vala woke with a start, her mind and heart racing. She lay in her bed on the Odyssey, curled around one of her pillows, gripping it tightly. Releasing the pillow from her grasp, and brushing her tousled raven locks away from her eyes, she reached over and flipped on the bedside lamp.

They were on their way home. With Teal’c’s help they had escaped the Ori ships and were heading back to Earth as quickly as possible. After successfully making the jump to hyperspace and ensuring that they had finally thrown the Ori off their trail, SG-1 had sat down with Teal’c to try and sort out what had occurred. He had explained just enough to convince them of who he was and what had happened, but remained annoyingly quiet and Jaffa-like about the details of their apparent extended stay on the ship. After the briefing, the team had split up to try and rest while they were in the safety of hyperspace. It had been a long day for everyone – about 50 years too long from Teal’c’s perspective, she thought absently – and Vala had been exhausted, barely making it back to her room and under the sheets before she fell into a deep sleep.

After turning off the lamp once more, Vala rolled over to watch the blue cascade of lights stream by the window, their glowing movement the only hint to the stars and planets that they sped past on their journey back to Earth. As she tried to fall back to sleep the details and images of her dream continued to poke and pull at her mind. They seemed much closer, more familiar than they should have. But it was just a dream of course. It had to be. After hearing Teal’c’s tidbits about their long term residency on the Odyssey Vala’s overactive imagination was running away with her. That was all.

Vala’s eyes flitted again to the window and then the nearby couch. It felt like yesterday, not some imaginary creation. The feeling of Daniel’s shirt against her face, his smell, the safety of his arms around her...but it couldn’t be. Teal’c had explained the time travel business – he had remained old so that the plan could succeed, so that someone remembered. Only Teal’c. No matter how logical she tried to be Vala couldn’t shove away the sense that the bed felt wider, colder, emptier than it had the night before. She plumped up her pillows knowing that that was absurd. She tried to relax, but unable to shake the feeling that something was missing, she tossed and turned the rest of the night.

 

 

CHAPTER 2:  One More Night

 

Turn out the Light
And let me love you
One more night
Hold me tight
Tell me everything
is gonna be alright...


                                                                                                              * * * *
Under the bright fluorescent lights of the SGC, SG-1 sat around the briefing room table listening as General Landry informed them as to why they had been called in so unexpectedly. He explained that earlier that morning SG-3 had been doing routine exploration an uninhabited planet when they had stumbled across some Ancient ruins not too far from the gate. They had immediately radioed back to base, asking for Daniel to come to the planet to examine the structures, texts and artefacts they had discovered so far.

Vala leaned back in her chair, tuning in and out as General Landry laid out all the details. She internalised enough information to understand that SG-1 was to accompany Daniel and Samantha to P3X-whatever-it-was and watch while they investigated the ruins for information about the Ancients. Not the most thrilling assignment, but then again any Ancient finds were of the utmost interest to the SGC these days. With everyone on edge due to the continued Ori threat that loomed over them all, the Ancients remained their best hope when it came to some sort of defence against the seemingly unstoppable armies invading their space - so research on any available Ancient sites and technology took top priority.

As the discussion continued around her, Vala scanned the faces of her teammates across the table. Cameron sat with his back straight, hands folded on the polished tabletop, focused solely on General Landry. Always the consummate leader, Cameron listened carefully and asked for clarifications in order to ensure the safety of his team. Next to him Samantha ran a hand through her shaggy blond hair, multitasking as she listened to the briefing while simultaneously making notes on the equipment she wanted to bring along on their excursion. From the end of the table Teal’c looked on, his strong, silent form a constant on the team – consistent and dependable. He was very much the same as he had always been in that sense, but the striking grey streak in his hair now served as a continual reminder of what he had been through – what they had all been through and forgotten. Or at least were supposed to have forgotten.

Vala’s train of thought wandered just a bit further off the track at the thought of the years they had all spent on the Odyssey. Instantly her mind jumped to the dreams that she had begun to experience on their journey home several weeks ago – that had continued to occur after their return to Earth. Each night Vala crawled in bed alone, only to find herself sharing a distant and unfamiliar life with Daniel, before waking up cold and lonely once more. It grew harder each day to convince herself that the images she experienced were solely the work of her imagination and nothing more. She had, of course, questioned Teal’c several times about the alternate timeline – her curiosity had always been a force to be reckoned with – but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to ask about Daniel. It was an almost unconscious move to leave out questions about Daniel – about she and Daniel – as she pestered Teal’c in the line in the commissary, as they worked out in the gym, or in the quiet stillness of his quarters as he attempted to ignore her and meditate among the flickering candles. The fear of what she might discover seemed to outweigh her normally uncompromising curiosity when it came to her future, or past, relationship with Daniel.

Trying to go about her daily routine as usual, as if nothing had changed, grew more and more difficult as well. The problem was that, theoretically, nothing had changed. Not for Daniel or Cameron or Samantha. Even Teal’c remained the same as always, refusing to show the strain those years must have had on him, stoically bearing the continued burden of the memories he carried. But the more Vala dreamed, the more the emotions that filled her heart at night began to slip into her actions during the day. Stolen glances, soft smiles and lingering hands reflected the passion and sensitivity of a woman who had been with her lover for years. The reaction she received, however, was one of a confused and sometimes annoyed archaeologist and teammate who didn’t understand her actions or their meaning.

Dragging herself out of her roving thoughts and back to the meeting that continued around her, Vala turned in her chair slightly, allowing her gaze to fall on Daniel last of all. It was easy to see how eager he was to explore the possibilities the planet held. His eyes danced as he theorised about what they might find, impatiently demanding to leave as soon as possible. She couldn’t prevent the smile that broke out on her face from reaching her eyes as she observed the obvious joy and excitement he was experiencing. Before Vala realised what she was doing her hand reached for his under the table, slipping her fingers into his and squeezing slightly. He paused mid sentence and turned to her with a slight frown, brows furrowed in confusion. He quickly pulled his hand from hers with a dismissive shake of his head and turned back to the briefing without a word. Vala slowly pulled her own hand back onto her lap, her bright smile quickly collapsing in on itself.

                                                                                                              * * * *
SG-1 stepped through the gate and the heat of midday stopping them in their tracks like a brick wall. They immediately moved towards the ruins, Daniel and Samantha eager to get started on their work, the rest of the group much more keen on simply finding some shade. Vala quickly caught up to Daniel, automatically matching his stride. Daniel chose a section of the ruins and began translating some of the text on the wall. Vala assisted, mutely, for the entire afternoon as he sifted and dug through the dusty ruins. He was so engrossed that he had barely noticed her presence let alone her uncharacteristic demeanour. She carefully handed him the tools he needed, offering him water to stave off the heat when he forgot to take a drink on his own. At one point in the long quiet afternoon, Vala sat back next to Daniel as he flipped through the pages of one of his own volumes. The sound of the pages turning was punctuated with aggravated sighs from the man who turned them as he looked for some sort of cross-reference. She couldn’t manage to tear herself away as he worked, simply watching as he read, so intent in his quest for answers. Vala’s shattered smile nearly returned as he rubbed a hand across his brow, crinkled in deep concentration, completely unaware of the long streak of dirt he left behind. Without a second thought Vala reached up with a thumb to gently wipe it away, lowering her hand to caress his cheek before pulling back. He looked up annoyed at the distraction and snapped, “Vala stop, please, not now” before returning to his book. Vala sat back in surprise, her hand frozen in midair, eyes wide in her own brand of confusion at both her own actions and his. She quickly stood and then moved away, spending the rest of the afternoon standing silently with Teal’c off to the side as Daniel tried translation after translation of the alien texts.

As the end of the day approached, shadows growing long and the oppressive heat of the day finally waning Daniel grew more and more frustrated with their lack of progress. Cameron, who had taken up watch around the perimeter of the ruins, entered the room removing his hat and using his sleeve to wipe the sweat that had accumulated on his forehead from the humidity. When he asked for their report, Daniel and Samantha had very little to offer. The texts remained a complete puzzle and Samantha had found very little in the way of technology, at least useful technology. Gamely Cameron quipped something about bringing along more s’mores if he had known they were going to take so long to get to the bottom of this one. If looks could kill, Cameron would have been dead as a doornail from the glare Daniel threw his way. Cameron quickly suggested that they pack up and set up camp before they lost the last of the daylight. The irritated archaeologist threw his tools into his pack, and moved to follow the others, trailing several yards behind. He took no notice of the raven-haired woman who had stayed behind to wait for him, instead walking swiftly ahead, lost in thought.

Daniel had remained frustrated and moody the rest of the evening and had left the circle of the campfire much earlier than the rest of the group. Cameron watched Daniel as he crawled into the tent they were to share and immediately offered to take first watch, not at all eager to follow the disgruntled man into the very small space.

                                                                                                              * * * *
Leaves rustled softly as a cool wind blew through the trees that surrounded their campsite. SG-1 had finally called it a day a few hours ago, and had retired to their respective tents. The refreshing breeze made its way through the open flap of the tent where Samantha and Vala rested, causing the battery powered lantern hanging from the tent post to swing slightly. The shadows on the ceiling of the tent danced and shivered until Vala reached up to steady the light and zip the flap shut. Looking over at Samantha, she realised her tent mate was already fast asleep so she flicked the lamp off and quietly snuggled deeper into her sleeping bag.

Rolling over, she could see the light still glowing from Daniel and Cameron’s tent. Daniel would be going over the translations and texts from the day, trying to find the missing piece, the clue they had missed. She wished desperately that she were there with him. Not only to satisfy her own desires but to help him as well. She knew he would work better if he just relaxed. Wait, how did she know that with such certainty? Flashes of shoulder massages and late night discussions assaulted Vala’s senses. She shook her head to clear the images from her mind. That Daniel, the man with whom she spent her nights, was so different from the Daniel mumbling to himself a few feet and two canvas walls away. All day she longed for the Daniel that haunted her dreams, eager for the small comfort she received in those moments with him, before the sudden, painful fall back to reality each morning. But at the same time she wished all night that her own Daniel would open his eyes, would smile back, would see her. She let out a sigh of dissatisfaction. She was torturing herself. That’s what she was doing. Torturing herself. As if she hadn’t been tortured enough in her life.

In the next tent Daniel eventually succumbed to his own frustration and exhaustion, extinguishing the glow of the lamp overhead, leaving them both in darkness.

                                                                                                              * * * *
As the night wore on Vala slipped restlessly in and out of sleep. Her dreams were fragmented, non linear; each image, each emotion triggering the next, unpredictable, disorganised and out of her control. Events and faces moved in and out of her mind’s eye, painting a picture of a life that was confined yet somehow free; stranded in time.

 

                                                          * *

Vala watched as the clock on the bedside table switched from 11:59 to 12:00. Rolling over, she shifted her body to lie over Daniel’s, pushing her greying hair aside as she settled above him, moving her lips to his and pulling him from his slumber with a deep kiss. His hands moved automatically to her hips to hold her in place as her hands cradled his head, continuing the breathtaking kiss. She moved back slightly opening her eyes to catch his gaze with her own. She smiled softy and whispered “Happy Birthday” as she moved back in to lazily invade his mouth with her tongue once more.

 

                                                          * *

The pale glow of the overhead lights replaced the darkness in the room and the languid kiss turning frantic as Vala found herself pushed up against the wall of their quarters, Daniel’s mouth plundering hers as he held her head in place. She could feel wet tracks from the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and as she brought her hands to Daniel’s face she could feel twin streaks of moisture there as well. They pulled at each other’s clothing, Daniel removing her black blouse, Vala pulling at his black sweater, in a frenzied attempt to feel skin on skin, to reassure each other that they were both still there, that their time had not yet run out. The memorial service for their stalwart leader had reaffirmed the bitter realisation that while they were protected from the Ori ships that lay outside, they were not immune to the ravages and finality of time, of life and death, within their self-imposed prison. Daniel picked Vala up holding her to him and she wrapped her legs around his waist holding on tightly as he moved towards the bed. “I don’t want to lose you,” she murmured into his neck, her arms gripping his shoulders desperately. His arms tightened around her small form in return before releasing her to lie back on the bed, his eyes shining. “I love you.”

 

                                                          * *

Vala sat alone in General Landry’s garden, the green leaves and brightly coloured flowers surrounding her standing out starkly against her raven hair, black dressing gown and pale face. Daniel entered quietly, moving to sit on the floor beside her, handing her a cup of tea. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close, he kissed the top of her head. Vala looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “She would have been ten years old today Daniel.” She buried her face into his shoulder and Daniel remained silent. There was nothing to say. The cup of tea remained forgotten on grey floor, slowly growing cold.

 

                                                          * *

Vala moved up behind Daniel, replacing the now cold coffee on the console with a fresh, steaming cup. Daniel took no notice, continuing to examine the glowing schematics and text that filled the air in the otherwise empty room. Vala moved back to sit by the door, her usual spot, waiting for him to finish what he was working on. If nothing else, she had learned some amount of patience over the last few years. The minutes ticked past in silence until Daniel reached for his coffee mug. His eyes widened when he found it to be warm. Looking back towards the door he found her exactly where she had been the day before, and the day before that. She smiled and stood. “You’re welcome.” She moved back towards the console. “I’m late for dinner again, aren’t I?” He asked with a wince. “You are.” she answered, her face remaining neutral as she ran a finger down his cheek to rest on his chin. Then with her thumb and forefinger on his chin she pulled him closer pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He pulled back and grinned. The blue light of the alien text played across his face as the display continued bringing up data, but Daniel was no longer focused on the knowledge base. “I guess I’ll have to make that up to you, won’t I?” He said moving in closer. She watched the blue glow play across his face a little longer before allowing a small smirk to grace her features. “You most certainly will, darling,” she answered as the blue light flickered and went off at the touch of Daniel’s hand, leaving them in darkness.

 

                                                          * *

The coloured lights flickered on and off as Sam continued to fiddle with the power source behind the tree. Vala was in front of the tree holding up one ornament after another searching for the perfect place for each one. However, each time she moved towards the step ladder that rested at the foot of the tree, Daniel’s hand came from behind her taking whatever ornament her fingers gently clasped and moving to step up onto the ladder to await further instruction. After the fourth or fifth time he did this, Vala let out a disgruntled huff and put her hands on her hips glaring at him as he stepped back down off the small metal ladder. “You know Daniel, I’m not an invalid, I could have done that myself.” He looked at her with a warm smile “I know that Vala, I just don’t see any reason to take any chances.” She couldn’t help but smile in return as he moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. They both looked at the tree for a long moment. “That little Bambi creature is far too close to that snowman, Daniel” Vala said breaking the silence and pointing out the offending ornament. “It’s a reindeer Vala. A reindeer. You should really get the terminology right if you want to teach it to this little one” He chuckled, placing his hands gently on her stomach.

 

                                                          * *

Daniel’s hand rested on her stomach as they lay stretched out in their quarters. The only sound was their soft breathing, almost in unison, as Vala rested between Daniel’s legs, her back to his chest. He was reading a book Sam had given him about parenting, and he was completely engrossed. The book was in one hand while his other hand absently rubbed Vala’s growing stomach in slow circles. She looked up at him and when he felt her movement he looked down quickly to ensure she was alright. Seeing her relaxed expression, he placed a soft kiss to her forehead and went back to his reading. Warm and content, Vala allowed her head to fall back and her eyes to slowly close, a smile plastered to her face.

 

                                                          * *

Vala’s eyes shot open, she lay on her back in bed, the starlight the only light in the room. There was no movement or sound to explain her sudden awakening, but she knew somehow that something wasn’t right. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, Vala felt an excruciating pain in her abdomen. She rolled over towards Daniel’s side of the bed, a muffled sob escaping her lips. “Daniel…help…the baby…”

 

                                                       * * * *
Vala woke with her knees pulled to her chest, her face and pillow soaked from the tears streaming down her face. How could dreams be so real? Create such real emotion, such devastating pain? As she replayed the images again in her mind’s eye, tears threatened to form once more. The baby. Her baby? Hers and Daniel’s? Vala was still working to wake up and she skittered about in the fuzz and confusion of the space between sleep and awake, trying to discern dreams from reality. But that was the problem, wasn’t it. Dreams and reality. She wasn’t sure which was which anymore.

Slipping out of her sleeping bag Vala moved silently to open the flap of the tent, careful not to disturb Samantha. She couldn’t live with this alone any longer. She stepped out into the cool night, the brisk early morning air washing over her skin, soothing her flushed cheeks. Vala saw Teal’c sitting next to the campfire, vigilant, watching over them all while they slept, and she began to walk towards him. She couldn’t hide any longer. She had to know the truth.

 

 

CHAPTER 3:  Never Really Mine

 

Heart pumping wildly, Vala forced herself towards the wavering circle of light at the centre of the camp. Though his face was cloaked in shadow, she could tell by the stiffening of his posture that Teal’c was aware of her approach. Her stomach flipped sickeningly, and for a moment she hesitated. It would be so easy to run back to her tent and continue to tell herself these dreams were nothing more than simply that – dreams. But, though she could pretend and lie to her conscious mind, these visions would always be waiting for her in sleep. She couldn’t hide, not anymore.

By sheer strength of will, she shoved down the fear fluttering in her chest, clenched her fists against the flight response that was trying to take hold, and closed the last bit of distance between herself and the only person who could tell her the truth.

“ValaMalDoran,” Teal’c greeted her evenly, “Are you having difficulty sleeping?” Her reply came in the form of a soft sigh as she moved further into the light, the shadows playing over her body as she crossed the threshold from the darkness that blanketed the rest of the camp. She stood next to the flames for a moment, staring into them then switched her gaze to peer away into the forest. Teal’c waited patiently for her to speak.

Eventually, realizing she could put it off no longer, she decided to dive in. Stumbling to find her words, she began, “On the Odyssey, for all those years, Daniel and I, we were…more than friends, weren’t we?” Her hands clasped together in front of her body, her fingers twisting and wringing together as she waited for her answer.

Teal’c was taken aback, not by the question – he had expected it eventually – but by the manner in which it was asked. The haunted look in Vala’s eyes was a stark contrast to the mischievous glimmer he had seen during her other inquiries about the alternate timeline; her tone now was both serious and nervous at once instead of the jovial teasing voice she often addressed him with. There was a distinct lack of the banter and references to ‘hooking up’ that had been present during all her other playful interrogations. Momentarily unable to maintain his silence he asked gently, “Why do you wish to know?”

Vala’s gaze flickered over her shoulder in the direction of Daniel’s tent, her features softening slightly, but she did not speak. Instead she moved to sit next to Teal’c on the hard ground, mirroring his cross-legged posture.

Teal’c waited but still Vala said nothing, However, the significance of that briefest of glances was not lost on Teal’c. He knew well the emotions behind it, having observed a very similar expression from this woman many times before. He knew how deeply she felt for Daniel, and whether Daniel knew it or not Teal’c knew how deeply the archeologist could feel for her, if he allowed himself to do so. However, Teal’c was also well aware of how much it would take for them to find each other, again. Against his own better judgment he shot her a gentle but knowing glance and spoke once more, “Why not merely tell him the truth?”

Vala’s eyes widened in shock but she shook her head quickly with frustration. “Because I don’t even know what the truth is anymore!” she exclaimed, suddenly having no patience for Teal’c’s usual game of avoidance and diversion – she needed answers. Vala didn’t realize there was a stick in her hand until it was flying into the fire, catching alight in an immensely satisfying shower of sparks.

Teal’c didn’t even blink at her outburst, and another swell of irritation welled up. Her words tumbled out like an avalanche, picking up speed as she continued. “I’ve been having all these dreams, or maybe flashbacks, I don’t know – but they can’t be true. Logically I know that they can’t. But the more I have them the more real it all feels and I just…I don’t know what’s me and what is the dreams and –” She trailed off, catching her breath.

Teal’c looked over at her, one eyebrow raised involuntarily with surprise. She quickly found her stride again and pushed onwards. “In the dreams Daniel and I, we’re together and I can – I see it all, it’s all there in my head and the emotions are so real, even when I’m awake, and then there’s the baby…” She drew a shuddering breath and wrapped her arms around her body as if to ward off a chill. All the fight gone out of her as quickly as it had come, she repeated lowly, “How do I tell him the truth when I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not, Teal’c? You tell me that.” Teal’c struggled to maintain a blank mask, clenching his jaw as he stole another glance over at the small woman next to him.

Vala looked up at him, tears that had been held back for too long beginning to overflow one by one. “I have to know, I– ”

Teal’c visibly flinched as her voice broke, and he jerked his head forwards to face the fire, no longer able to watch the distraught figure at his side. He remembered the events she spoke of all too well. It had all happened quickly, but the scars that were left behind ran deep.

                                                                                                              * * * *
Teal’c stood in the drab grey hallway alongside General Landry, both watching silently as Colonel Mitchell paced the length of the corridor. Some time ago, General Landry had requested rather ineffectually that the Colonel cease the pointless exercise. Having been met with a blatantly dismissive glance, he had not bothered to speak up about it again. Yet, as the minutes ticked by, his body grew tenser and his face tightened with irritation. For his own part, Teal’c resisted the urge to reach out and physically bring his disgruntled team leader to a halt. If this was Cameron Mitchell’s method of conquering stress, so be it.

A murmur of conversation, muffled and indiscernible, began to trickle through the cold metal walls. Colonel Mitchell stopped short in front of the infirmary door and looked up. The muted bleeping of a heart monitor, until this point masked by the echoes of restless footfalls, reached the ears of all three men at the same moment. It was speeding to a frenzied pace.

Seconds later, the beeping stalled into a chilling steady tone.

Colonel Mitchell turned and pounded his fist into the sturdy, unforgiving wall. The dull thud reverberated along the tomblike passageway as he slid slowly to sit on the floor, all but collapsing in on himself. General Landry ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. Teal’c continued to watch the door, anticipating the quiet whoosh that would signal the appearance of Colonel Carter. He didn’t have to wait long.

There was no need for words when the infirmary door finally opened. Colonel Carter’s shining eyes told them the truth they had all hoped not to hear.

“You tried, Colonel,” General Landry said, stepping forward to place a comforting hand briefly on her shoulder. Then he looked past her, into the room, and his upright military stance visibly wilted.

“You can go in, if you want,” Colonel Carter stated after a second, voice thick with something Teal’c had only heard a handful of times before. She cleared her throat, and then stepped to the side slightly.

General Landry hesitated, and then shook his head. “I think this is where I take my leave,” he said. “Please give them my condolences.”

He departed. Eventually, Colonel Mitchell rose from the floor, scrubbed a hand over his red face, and drifted past Colonel Carter into the infirmary. Teal’c followed suit, halting just inside the threshold.

Vala lay on the infirmary bed, silent and turned resolutely away from the visitors at her bedside, but from where he stood Teal’c could see her face all too clearly. Eyes closed, tears leaking from beneath her eyelids, lip clamped firmly in her teeth to stifle her sobs. Though Daniel was at her side, one hand clasped tightly in Vala’s and the other running through her hair, his touch seemed unable to soothe away this pain.

Minutes passed, oddly hushed and uncertain, until Colonel Mitchell let out a deep breath, awkwardly clapped Daniel on the back, and trailed out of the room staring at his shoes. Vala’s eyes opened at the sound, and her eyes momentarily locked with Teal’c’s. He quickly bowed his head and broke the gaze, trying to allow her a small amount of privacy. Colonel Carter left shortly after that, dropping a quick kiss to Daniel’s cheek and stopping at the end of the bed to place a hand on Vala’s foot, trying her best to reach out to her. She received no response.

Teal’c nodded a farewell to her as she passed, but remained where he was for some time, an outsider watching a private pain. Frustration clawed at him as he struggled mutely to come to terms with the fact that this he could not fix. He was a warrior, but the despair that had seeped into every corner of the room was something he could not fight.

Eventually, Daniel glanced away from a now fitfully sleeping Vala, and the surprised look on his face confirmed that he had not noticed the
Jaffa’s continued presence. Teal’c offered to assist in moving the exhausted woman back to their quarters, and after only a moment’s indecision Daniel agreed. It was a small, but it was something. The cold clutch of helplessness eased, somewhat. But it did not release.

                                                                                                                    * *
That night on the way to his quarters, Teal’c found Colonel Carter standing alone in one of the ship’s long, empty corridors, staring out the window. He stepped up next to her without a word, taking in the fixed starscape outside. She looked over at him, jumping slightly at his sudden presence by her side. She opened her mouth several times to speak, but no sound came forth.
“Do not blame yourself,” he said.

She shook her head at that. Finally pulling her thoughts together she whispered softly, to the stars, to Teal’c, and to herself, “I can’t help but wonder if they would have had to go through all of this if I hadn’t gotten us stuck on this ship in the first place.”

Teal’c drew her attention back towards him as he spoke, “And I often wonder if they would have found each other at all were it not for our time here. Life’s losses should never overshadow the gifts that it also brings us, Colonel Carter.”

Moving into the strong circle of his arms quite suddenly, tears that she had forced away earlier for Vala and Daniel’s sake finally began to flow. As she began to relax, fatigue finally catching up to her, Teal’c guided her to her quarters. She tried her best to find a way to thank him as she stood in the doorway, but before she could decide what to say he simply nodded his head in his characteristic manner and headed down the corridor.

Teal’c did not turn on the lights as he entered his room, the closing door quickly, squeezing out the shaft of brightness that snuck in from the hallway. Immediately moving towards the windowsill, he lit the row of candles that were already lined up against the backdrop of stars; candles of guidance and hope for his son and for Bra’tac, candles of remembrance for his father and for Drey’ac. He added another smaller candle to the end of the row, and after a moment’s pause lit it in remembrance of the child of Daniel Jackson and Vala Mal Doran. Sitting down under the window, Teal’c relaxed his own breathing and tried to centre himself in order to meditate – but the small flickering candle on the far side of the sill drew his eye and pulled his mind away from kel’no’reem, refusing to let him rest in peace.


                                                                                                                    * *
In the days that followed, Teal’c fought back his own helplessness and frustration in the only way he knew how; taking control of the situation in the one way he could, by attempting to instill a sense of normalcy, to return the team to the slow routine that was their life aboard the Odyssey. Daniel remained with Vala, doing what little he could to offer comfort, while seeking a sort of comfort of his own, confirming for himself that he had not lost her as well. The rest of the group was far from unaffected though, and Teal’c did his best to watch over his team. Finding General Landry mechanically attacking his garden, trimming it within an inch of its life, Teal’c pulled the pruning shears from the General’s hands and quietly reminded him of his weekly chess game with Colonel Mitchell. Several days later he found Colonel Mitchell sitting on the floor among fallen possessions and the remains of his broken furniture. Teal’c offered to accompany the Colonel to the gym for a sparring match. When Mitchell refused, he urged him to go help Colonel Carter with dinner, insistent that he get out of his room and that he not be alone. Meals themselves had gone from a time to gather together and talk, to an utterly silent affair. Despite all the efforts to pull the group back together, there was still a missing piece in their cobbled together family. Daniel joined them as often as possible, but little was said as each person stole glances at Vala’s empty seat, and Daniel’s tired expression. The absence of Vala’s energetic and quirky presence left a gaping and obvious hole.

Vala had not emerged from her quarters for over a week when she finally appeared at Teal’c’s room, her silhouette blocking out the cold sterile light of the hallway as she stood in the doorway, nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

“ValaMalDoran, come in,” he invited after a quick blink of surprise. She slowly moved into the room, the door shutting behind her, leaving them shrouded in the soft, warm glow that spilled out from the line of candles on the windowsill. Wandering over to the window, Vala looked at each candle in turn.

“I light them for my family” Teal’c explained. When Vala reached the final smaller candle she looked up questioningly, and he nodded, understanding immediately what she wished to inquire. Her eyes began to well up as she looked from the large man on the floor to the tiny delicate candle. She shook her head slightly trying to clear away the tears. Leaning against the side of the window she ran her fingers around the base of the candle slowly, reverently. Without looking up she asked, “Do you miss your son, Teal’c?”

“Each day that passes I find that I miss him a little more. It is difficult to think that I might not see him again,” Teal’c answered.

Vala tried to chuckle softly, but the growing lump in her throat choked the sound. “So you’re saying this isn’t going to get any easier.” Teal’c said nothing, only watching as she moved to sit next to him, her eyes staying on the row of candles and their flickering lights. “How can I miss something that I never really had so terribly?” she whispered, looking up at him helplessly when she failed to find the answer within herself.

“I believe you know as well as I that you will always mourn those you have lost, ValaMaldoran. You now face the challenge of allowing those losses to be a part of you, without letting them consume you completely.”

She nodded slightly, then smiled a somewhat watery – yet genuine - smile. “Why, Muscles, I do believe that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say.”

A companionable stillness settled over them. If he was surprised when her hand crept into his, he did not show it. Instead, his large fingers slowly closed around her small ones as they continued to watch the flames flickering in front of them.

                                                                                                              * * * *
As Vala watched Teal’c stare into the fire, the reflection of the flames darting and jumping in his dark eyes, emotions dancing across his face, a dreadful certainty settled in her throat.

“I haven’t imagined it, have I? It’s all true? All of it – Daniel, me, the baby? Everything?” she choked out, quickly standing to move around the fire, unable to sit still under the weight of this new knowledge. Teal’c watched her from the other side of the flames as she moved back and forth, pieces of sentences, of questions, escaping half-formed, her hands moving through her hair, over her face, clenching into fists as a thousand emotions coursed through her body all at once. She fixated on him again – the pain clear and sharp in her eyes. “So it’s true?! It’s all true?” she repeated, voice rising.

Teal’c clenched his jaw as he watched her, the pain that the memories were causing was obvious in the slump of her shoulders, the isolation and confusion bearing down heavily on her. He knew that the weight he carried would look very much the same if he allowed the others to see it. He was again, as he had been so many times in his life, filled with an irrepressible sense of helplessness, of loss of control, of frustration. He had taken on this burden – it was meant to be his alone. He tried to pull his features into their normal stoic formation; it would be better – for both of them – if the memories stayed locked away. He had vowed to Sam, to all of them, that he would not speak of their time on the Odyssey. They had agreed not to let it affect the restored timeline in any way, that things should take their own course. The desperate look on Vala’s face pleaded with him, he could see the same lonely pain he knew so well in her expression and he battled inwardly with the decision to uphold his promise or offer what little comfort he could to his friend. His gaze dropped to the leaping fire that separated them, "ValaMalDoran, the truth you seek is in your heart."

“Teal’c,” Vala moved to kneel down in front of him, placing her small pale hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her, “please.” The pain and sorrow that slipped unbidden into his tired eyes made her draw back in surprise. Teal’c held Vala’s gaze for a long moment before his eyes darted back to the flames behind her. She moved back to her position at his side, leaning against his arm as the wood in the fire crackled and popped, the sparks floating silently up into the night sky, blinking out of existence, one by one.

                                                                                                              * * * *

Teal’c and Vala sat next to the fire for hours, unmoving, as it flickered and eventually died out. They remained there in the shadows until the glow of early dawn began to creep through the surrounding forest. "So it's true." Vala finally whispered softly, her voice barely loud enough to break the long, heavy silence. Her voice wavered but the phrase was no longer a question. As the sun peeked over the horizon, burning away the early morning mist, Teal'c simply reached over and took her hand.

                                                                                                                    * *
...I know you were never really mine
you were given to me
on borrowed time...

 

 

 

To be continued…

 

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