Wandering Soul
By: natalia5345
CATEGORY: Episode
Related
SEASON/SPOILERS: Season 10 “Memento
Mori”
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR’S NOTES:
Thanks so much to
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://natalia5345.livejournal.com/ and http://www.fanfiction.net/~natalia5345
Wandering Soul: Lost in Storms and Shadows
Vala awoke with a start in the dim back room of Sol’s Diner.
The only light in the room was the bluish glow of the television. The
flickering light cast shadows over the bed and small folding table, the only
pieces of furniture in the small, plain room. Vala looked at the screen which
showed Mulder and Scully attempting to solve yet another entirely inaccurate
alien mystery. Inaccurate? As Vala muted the volume she wondered absently why
she was so convinced they were wrong – besides the fact that it was a
television show of course. She shook her head quickly from side to side
shifting on the small fold-up cot to put her head back down on the thin, white
pillow. Forgetting The X-Files for the moment, she pulled the quilt up to her
chin and tried to focus on the dream she’d just had.
Ever since she’d arrived at Sol’s diner two weeks ago – confused, hungry and
alone – she had often dreamt of things she didn’t understand. She assumed they
must be glimpses into her life before, memories that she couldn’t quite get her
hands on. Some were like lightning – shocking and frightening, catching her off
guard. Others were like shadows – wispy, mysterious, and difficult to hold
onto. More often than not she found the images her mind showed her to be
absolutely terrifying, making her less than eager to learn more. Repeated
hallucinations of these horrible images plagued her, during the day as well as
in sleep. It was these images - these memories - that she shared with Sal, and
he attempted, in a fatherly sort of way, to comfort her as best he could.
However, these horrific and disturbing scenes of pain and torture weren’t the
only memories she had. Sometimes her dreams seemed to be from another life
entirely. These memories, she kept to herself.
Curled up in her Sol’s Diner t-shirt and pink pajama bottoms, Vala shut her
eyes tightly. She tried, as she had done each time before, to picture clearly
the man she had dreamt about just now. Already his face was becoming blurry.
Glasses! He had glasses on this time she was sure of it. But he hadn’t last
night. Had he? As usual, her efforts to remember resulted in more confusion.
The more she focused, the harder it was to remember any details. Eventually, as
dreams tended to do, the details of the images slipped from her mind
altogether. She knew they would soon be replaced with guards in helmets and
people writhing in agony below her. But her hope of remembering this man kept
her going. He was extremely important to her, though she didn’t know why. The
feelings she experienced when she glimpsed the face of this unknown man, even
if hazy and brief in her convoluted dreams, were strong ones. She knew that for
certain. These feelings were her only constant when it came to her past, the
only thing she accepted and truly wished to retrieve from her psyche.
The bed squeaked loudly as Vala turned over, neglecting to shut off the
television. The shadows created by its light continued to dance on the chipped
beige wall next to the bed. Vala paid no attention to them, she had enough
shadows skirting around the corners of her mind to focus on. She turned to the
inner debate she had held with herself every night since she had arrived at
Sol’s. Should she leave the diner and try to find her way back? But back where?
Did she have a home somewhere? Were they looking for her? Wait – who were
‘they’? Was that man – that achingly familiar shadow of a man – waiting for
her? She was desperate to know. Sal had been wonderful to her these past weeks.
He had helped her more than she felt she deserved, considering she had tried to
cheat him, but it was not enough. No matter how much she tried to fit in, or
how much she forced herself to be content at the diner, she knew she couldn’t
stay. She would never be happy here. Not truly. The idea of this unknown man
called to her constantly, but every time she reached for him he again slipped
through her fingers. Always a shadow – shrouded in mystery and just out of
reach.
Still, she was driven to leave this place. She didn’t know where to go and she
couldn’t understand why, but it gnawed at her every night. This wasn’t her life. It was after these thoughts each night, as
she fell into an uneasy sleep, that the wistful ideas of ‘somewhere else’
brought images of the man to her mind’s eye. And it was then that she was most
comforted. Something about the quiet, calm, grey hallways, a cluttered office
and his face – sometimes bearded, sometimes with glasses, but always him –
allowed her to centre herself. She was calmer somehow. Even the thought of this
man’s presence made her feel safer. The other shadows and flashes of what she
could only assume was her past life swirled in her mind, storm-like and
frightening. Through the surges and cascades of dark troubling images Vala held
onto the face of this man – like an anchor he held her and protected her from
the raging tempest that enveloped her as she lay in the dark, all alone.
Vala hoped that if she left the diner, something, somewhere, would trigger her
memory, would bring it all back. As frightening as much of her past seemed to
be, the desire to seek out this unknown man – to understand the connection she
felt with him – was much stronger than her fear. However, she couldn’t ignore
the nagging doubts that crept into her mind. What if she couldn’t get her
memories back? What if, like her, they were lost in the dark? No matter how
hard she tried she couldn’t seem to find the memories, find her way, find
herself.
She was adrift, surrounded by shadows and confusion.
Wandering Soul: Love Will Find You
Vala sat on the concrete floor, her back resting on the cool
metal shelving behind her. She looked at the door to the warehouse, fear and
adrenaline flashing in her eyes. She had been here a long time now, though she
had no watch to be sure how long. It remained quiet; she didn’t believe the
police had followed her. Her breathing slowed, but suddenly her pulse began to
pound again when she saw someone enter the warehouse. Not the police, but Cameron
and some others she couldn’t quite make out from the shadows near the open
doorway.
“Vala? Vala, it’s me, Daniel!”
That voice. It was familiar somehow, had she dreamt about it? Daniel? That name
seemed to trigger something inside her. For a moment she felt like everything
might be ok, but then fear gripped her heart again. She was so confused. So
lost. Her head was swimming, something about the worried tone of his voice
compelled her to run to him, but her panic and indecision held her in place. She
didn’t know who was on her side anymore.
“We know you’re in here, there’s nowhere else you could have gone.”
That was the problem! She didn’t know where to go to, whom to turn to, but his
voice continued to call to her, pulling on her heart, his tone laced with
worry.
“Vala? I know you’re scared, but we’re not here to hurt you. We can help you
remember.”
She wanted that so badly. To remember. To know. To be found. She moved to stand
but her worries about who these people might really be, who she might really
be, fed into her survival instinct. Instead of moving towards the voice, she
moved away from it, towards the open door, crouching again behind a pile of
wooden pallets. She waited for her opportunity.
Around her the fighting had begun. Someone else had been in the warehouse after
all. She paid little attention to the firefight raging around her, seeing it as
a distraction to those looking for her – and her chance to escape. Vala peeked
around the corner and saw the path to the doorway was clear, the sun streaming
in through the opening. She took the small gun – taken from Cameron’s pants –
out of her pocket and cocked it. She then stood to make her move for the door.
She stopped behind a large, red shipping container, checking again that her escape
route was unobstructed. She had almost reached it, the sunlight warming her
face, when someone moved out from behind another row of shelving. Her reaction
was automatic; she lifted the gun and tried to take on an intimidating stance.
“Get out of my way.”
Suddenly she was frozen in place. Even if he had moved she wasn’t sure she
would have, but she repeated herself nonetheless, “Get out of my way or I will
shoot you,” she held the gun in shaking hands, but she was focused only on his
face. It was him. The blurry picture she carried in her mind stood before her
now crystal clear, in flesh and blood.
He slowly bent to put down the strange-looking gun, then stood up straight
again, his hands raised. Vala continued to point the gun at his chest, she was
still unsure; so many emotions clouded her thoughts. The impulse to run was
still strong. She would figure this out later, she told herself, for the moment
her curiosity and emotions were overridden by the instinct to escape as quickly
as possible. He spoke to her then, his eyes seemed desperate as he tried to
catch her gaze, but his voice was steady, and her focus returned from her
jumbled thoughts to him.
“You don’t remember who you are but I do. You won’t shoot.” He was so calm. So
certain, and though she was not – her disbelief and anxiety showing in her
expression – she began to relax a little, her weapon dropping, her grip
loosening slightly.
Vala heard the fighting, firing, and shouting come to an abrupt halt behind
her. She turned to look and then she whirled around again panicked, raising her
gun at him once more. They would come for her now, she had to go. Vala opened
her mouth to try to warn him off again. However Daniel spoke first and his
voice, his words, made her pause.
“If I let you go, I know you’re going to make yourself disappear.” Her heart
continued to pound in her chest as he held her in place with his gaze. “You’ve
been running so long it’s almost second nature to you.” How could he know her
so well? These were things she barely knew herself. Despite the urge to escape,
another part of her was desperate to stay – and this part was now winning out.
She prayed he would be able to tell her more – who she was, where she belonged.
Vala’s eyes began to well up as he continued.
“You don’t remember it, but you made a decision to stop running. It’s over. Now
it’s time to come home.”
Home. Vala’s head dropped and her eyes closed as she was struck by a flash of
memories. Daniel, Cameron and others all around a large, black table. Another
flash and then Daniel again, in an elevator, smiling at her. With these
memories came feelings of belonging and security – feelings she had longed for
these past weeks. She looked up at him again.
Daniel. This was him. The man she had dreamt of every night, the face she had
tried so hard to picture. Her Daniel. Tears began to cloud her vision, mirrored
by a slight shining in his eyes. The gun she had trained on him now hung limp
from her hand. “Daniel?” she whispered, her voice heavy with emotions –
weariness, uncertainty, but also relief.
Slowly, tentatively, Daniel approached her and once he had taken the gun from
her, he pulled her to him, holding her tightly to his chest. Vala returned the
embrace with everything she had left, her energy beginning to drain away with
her adrenaline. She shut her eyes in an effort to prevent the tears from
falling. He had found her.
She didn’t know how long she spent wrapped in the safety of his strong arms.
Minutes? Hours? It wasn’t important to her anymore. Vala looked up at Daniel,
the tears that had been threatening to fall earlier now lay as glimmering
streaks on her pale face. “Home?” she asked, her voice still quivering but
hopeful. She still didn’t know where home was, but she hoped it wasn’t far from
where she stood now. In Daniel’s arms she felt comfortable. Finally. Leaning
against him, she experienced something she couldn’t remember truly feeling
anywhere else. Contentment. Safety.
“Home,” he replied with a warm smile. “With me – er…with us,” he added quickly,
nodding his head towards the rest of SG-1 who stood behind Vala. They were
unsuccessfully attempting to blend into the concrete floor of the warehouse in
an effort to give their two friends some privacy. She nodded slowly.
It was then that the fatigue which Vala had been fighting throughout the day
finally caught up to her. She was weak in his arms, as if she might collapse
without his support. She put her head back onto Daniel’s shoulder, her nose
brushing softly against his neck, and she sighed lightly.
“Ready to go?” he whispered quietly, his breath tickling her ear. She didn’t
answer but it was at this point that her knees finally gave out. Without a
second thought Daniel scooped her gently into his arms. Vala sighed again, a
sigh of complete and utter contentment, then drifted into a calm sleep with her
head resting on Daniel’s shoulder.
Without another word Daniel headed for the car. After exchanging knowing
glances, the other three members of the team quietly followed.
The ride back to the base was a silent one. Vala rode the whole way in Daniel’s
arms. He held her as if he thought she might disappear again if he let her go
for a single moment. Sam and Cameron sat up front, Cameron driving the SUV.
They were unsure what to say about what they had just witnessed. As much as
they teased Daniel about Vala, the rest of the team had thought perhaps
something had been developing between the two. After that scene in the
warehouse, they were sure of it, but what they weren’t sure of was how Daniel
would react if they tried to talk to him about it. He had been frantic when
Vala was missing but now that she was back they weren’t sure if he would revert
back to his regular behaviour or not. Teal’c for his part remained his usual
silent self, sitting stoically in the back seat next to Daniel and Vala. Vala
was warm and peaceful, settled comfortably across Daniel’s lap with her head
still resting on his shoulder. For the first time in weeks, she fell into a
deep and restful sleep.
When they arrived back at the base Cameron parked the car and the others moved
to exit the vehicle. Daniel took in the scent of her hair as he placed a light
kiss to the top of her head, trying to wake her without frightening her. He
whispered softly, “Vala, you need to wake up.”
Vala felt an odd sensation against her ear, but she was warm and content, so
she turned her head away and buried herself into the embrace that held her.
Someone shook her shoulder gently and she forced herself to open her eyes,
starting a little at the unfamiliar surroundings of the car. In spite of this
shock, she was easily calmed in the safe embrace the enveloped her. She looked
up into bright, blue eyes. Daniel. This was him. His face. She had found him.
He had found her – finally. His lips spread into a wide smile as he noticed her
recognising his face. Daniel motioned for her to move off of his lap and
towards the door.
“Can you walk?” he asked as they stepped down from the car. His tone brought
her back to another day, another memory, when he had softly asked her the very
same thing. Flames flew up before her eyes, then a blackness which cleared to
show the same eyes looking down at her, with the same expression of compassion
and concern that graced his features now. She shook her head to clear her mind
and then focused once more on his eyes, which looked into hers with an
unexpected intensity – with emotions she wasn’t prepared for. She nodded
groggily and they moved to enter the base, Daniel’s hand firmly in hers, still
her anchor as she tried to settle back into her place.
Dr. Lam was waiting at the door and informed them that Vala needed to be taken
to the infirmary for a full examination – alone. Vala’s hand tightened in
Daniel’s and she looked at him quickly, her eyes wild with worry. An
exclamation of ‘No Doctors!’ was on the tip of her tongue when he lifted a hand
to her face, placing it against her cheek to calm her.
“You’re okay here, Vala, I promise you. I won’t be far and I’ll be there when
you’ve finished.” He squeezed her hand once more and pushed her softly in Dr.
Lam’s direction.
Vala looked back at him, uncertainly. After taking in the expression on his
face, she knew she would be all right. That face, the details she had tried so
hard to recall for weeks, gave her the strength she needed – his eyes confident
and his mouth softly smiling in reassurance. She turned and followed Dr. Lam,
knowing for certain now that she really did have someone waiting for her. She
was not alone. Not lost. Not anymore.
Wandering Soul: Found and Lost Again
She had been found. She was home. The shadows were receding,
the storm was clearing, but sadly some things seemed even more uncertain than
before. Her life more complex than she had imagined it to be. In the warehouse
there was only Daniel, her feelings for him, and his for her. They had been
raw, open, and spilling out onto the surface, impossible to deny or suppress.
Now, after tonight, it seemed that his feelings were buried once again. She
didn’t know if she could do the same. Not anymore.
She had noticed it first in Daniel’s office, after she had been released by Dr.
Lam – he had pulled away, not the same man who had gently coaxed her towards
the infirmary a mere hour ago. He had still smiled warmly, asking how she was
and congratulating her on her new badges, but somehow the distance that
separated them suddenly seemed much farther than the span of the room. Perhaps
he was uncomfortable, more aware of the others around them now that she was
safe. She couldn’t be certain why, but it felt like more than the lab bench
stood between them when she mentioned rescheduling their date. His reaction of
denial had cut her deeply, though she automatically hid that from the rest of
the team. After what she and Daniel had just been through, the emotion she had
seen in the way he had looked at her, she had thought he might finally be ready
for something more. Apparently she was wrong, and she hid that as best she
could, focusing instead on finally being accepted into SG-1, so that her eyes
would not well up at his continued refusal to admit that perhaps she meant
something more to him than ‘friend’ and ‘co-worker’.
Again, at the restaurant near Cameron’s place, she felt the same distance.
Sitting next to Daniel, the heat and presence of his solid body so close, only
reminded her of what she longed for: the feeling of his arms around her making
her feel not only accepted, but safe and wanted. As close as she was to him at
the table, she had never felt as far away from him as she did during that meal.
There was still a hole in her heart, she had thought being back here with him
would help to mend it, but now it seemed he refused to try and fill that
painful gap.
After dinner Daniel had offered to drive Samantha home – something about Jack
arriving on a late flight that night – while Cameron returned with Vala and
Teal’c to the SGC. She had been glancing at Cameron from the front seat of the
car as he drove, but when he noticed her continued gaze she refused to explain
to him why she was observing him so intently. She remained silent,
contemplating what had happened earlier that day. Vala remembered that when she
had first seen Cameron as she climbed out of the flipped car she had paused in
surprise thinking he had been the man from her dreams. He and Daniel really did
look similar, though she could see now up close they weren’t as alike as she
had originally thought. Emotionally, she had quickly realised they were not the
same at all. Cameron was confident and strong – even without her memories
intact she had felt a sort of safety with him – though she had still been
suspicious when she couldn’t remember the things he was telling her about the
Stargate and SG-1. However she was not drawn to him – to his face – as she had
been drawn to the man that had visited her each night in her mind’s eye. She
didn’t ache for the presence of this man as she did the man she now knew was
Daniel. There was a quality about Daniel, a perpetual innocence under all the
scars and pain that made her want to protect him, while at the same time his own
confidence and experience made her wish for his protection as well. She was
quiet, lost in thought, the rest of the way to the base and while Teal’c and
Cameron noticed her uncharacteristic silence, they knew they were not the ones
to talk to her about what had happened – so they too refused to break the heavy
silence that filled the car.
Back at the base Vala looked around the room – her room, she reminded herself –
and tried to remember more about her time here. Going with the team tonight had
helped her regain much of her memory. She was happy to celebrate her acceptance
onto SG-1 but as the night wore on, more and more of her life began to appear
in her mind, bits and pieces floating to the surface. She had mentioned it to
both Samantha and Daniel and they seemed very happy. However, Vala wasn’t sure
whether she was glad or not. Her memories of being taken by Quetesh had struck
her suddenly at the restaurant and she had been forced to excuse herself to the
washroom for a time. She had been overwhelmed with the images, with what ‘she’
had done, and the feelings of helplessness and guilt that characterised that
chapter of her life. Her friends had shot worried glances after her but still
felt that it was best she remembered. Memories of other pieces of her life,
like those of Tomin crept in more slowly, the wisps and fragments of fractured
memory slowly coalescing into a whole. Tomin’s role in her life, as well as the
existence of Adria and the Ori, clawed at her mind now. There was so much
confusion in her life, so many dangers and painful losses. While it may have
been frightening not knowing anything about her past while she was working at
the diner, her life then had been simple and manageable. Her real life shocked
her now, and as she had said to the detective at the police station, she was no
longer sure she wanted to know everything about herself.
A little while later, Daniel came to check on her. He too had noticed that she
had been quiet that night, so unlike her, though understandable considering what
she had been through. Despite the walls he attempted to hold up, his worry
shone through as he looked at her sitting cross-legged on the bed. Her face
held an expression that seemed tired and more than a little defeated as she
attempted to absorb the details of her difficult life. All the things from her
past that she had put behind her were suddenly and sharply brought to the
forefront. The conversation was awkward, Daniel trying to be as comforting as
possible, while still holding back – the word ‘date’ still echoing in his ears
causing his own inner turmoil that vaguely mirrored Vala’s. Vala was hesitant
as well, still trying to figure out what walls she was going to rebuild between
them, which ones had already been taken down, and where they were all to be
placed. She longed again for the moment in the warehouse when there had been no
barriers at all. But she knew that it could not be that way. Not here. Not now.
As the evening wore on Vala’s mood did not improve, and realising the futility
of his presence Daniel said good night, closing the door quietly behind him.
Vala remained alone on the bed. Daniel’s presence had been more comforting than
he had imagined it to be, but it had also been troubling. She had to face her
feelings now, and the more time she spent with him the harder it was not to
break down and fall into his arms. Until now she had been keeping her feelings
for him deep inside – in shadow, easier to ignore, to deny that way. She had of
course flirted with him, it was her nature, but it was also an attitude that
had been developed to survive. The Vala that was deep inside, the one that had
been exposed when all the weight of her past was lifted off of her shoulders
was far more innocent. That Vala was still childlike, her emotions simmering
close to the surface, as they had been in the warehouse when she had known only
her emotions for Daniel and not the confusion that surrounded them and their
lives. The experience in the warehouse that day had shone a light on her true
feelings for Daniel, and she could no longer hide them away, at least not from
herself. They would have to remain hidden from the world though. The more time
she spent with Daniel the more she remembered why those feelings had been
buried in the first place. He was not ready, and she wasn’t sure if she was
either. She also knew now that if they were to work together on SG-1, he would
not easily accept the type of relationship she longed for. The way he acted
when he noticed the presence of others displayed that much. The way he believed
he was expected to act overshadowed the way he – she desperately hoped after
today – wanted to act. The backwardness of this planet frustrated her to no
end. This was not the life she had wanted to return to.
When she was lost he had been her rock, her constant, her shelter. She had
hoped ardently to return to a life with this man, which she saw now was not
reality, but her own dreams still left unfulfilled. So as she had done before,
she pushed her emotions to the back of her mind, though she could not push them
as far as she once had. Some walls could not be rebuilt; some things could not
be hidden once exposed.
She numbly changed into her pajamas and climbed into the soft double bed. Until
tonight, when she had prepared to fall asleep she had tried her hardest to
focus on her memories, her life before, on the man she now knew had been
Daniel. Of its own accord, her mind surrounded her with the feeling of Daniel’s
arms and assaulted her with the image of his face smiling down at her softly.
All she could do was shut her brimming eyes and try her very best to push it
all away.
** The End **
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