Where I End and You Begin
By: sorrel_rowan
CATEGORY: Angst, Drama
WARNINGS: None
SEASON/SPOILERS: Season 10. “The Shroud”
AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is a Daniel/Vala one-shot based on a speculative scene from the Shroud. Spoilers for the Shroud and up to it, to be safe – you have been warned. It’s based on the same idea as my other story, “Every Me, Every You,” but I think this is a better version of a weak scene in it. Feel free to check it out as well and let me know what you think. :D
Daniel’s ‘Prior’ character – just so you have some idea of where it’s from – is based on a spoiler that says he’s a soft-sell Prior, not convert or die.
Oh and I totally steal a line from The Chronicles of Riddick. But it’s a good line and I’m not claiming to have written it. Title from Radiohead.
AUTHOR’S WEBSITE:
http://www.fanfiction.net/~sorrelrowan
Jack stood opposite Daniel and on the verge of losing his temper.
“You can’t believe that….” Jack argued, trailing off when he saw Sam pick up the phone in the observation room above them.
Daniel’s reply was cut off when Sam hit the intercom and said, “Vala’s crashing,” before running out of the room.
“Come with me,” Jack said, standing up sharply. When Daniel didn’t move, he signalled the two SFs standing silently on either side of the door. They drew their guns.
“So much for trust,” Daniel said with those unnaturally grey eyes turning wary.
“We don’t have time for this,” Jack replied harshly, “Move.”
* * * *
“Well?” Jack asked as Dr. Lam came out. She jumped when she saw who accompanied him but steadied herself quickly, fixing her eyes on Jack.
“We’ve got her stabilised for now,” She answered quietly. “But I don’t know how much more her system can take and for how long. But I suspect not much. And there’s nothing I can do about the internal bleeding.”
“Wait,” Mitchell put in. “Nothing? What about more surgery?”
“That would require putting massive stress on Vala’s body which, coupled with the anaesthetic, would almost certainly put her heart and respiratory systems in danger. I’m walking that fine line with the amount of morphine I’m giving her right now as it is,” Lam replied, clearly frustrated. She held up her hands and looked around them, her voice carrying an undertone of suppressed emotion. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. Short of extraordinary means, I’m just putting off the inevitable and keeping her as comfortable as I can.”
The silence in the corridor was absolute.
“Is she up to visitors?” Jack broke it quietly.
Lam nodded with a sigh. “She’s pretty out of it, but she’s conscious. Just try not to stress her too much.” She lowered her head, making a decision she really didn’t like before it was asked of her. “If it’s necessary, I can adjust the balance of drugs in her system to make her more aware. It’s the morphine that’s making her confused.”
“I think it is,” Jack answered, eyes distant.
Lam sighed again and nodded, giving the order to the nurse standing behind her and fighting the pessimistic – realistic, she amended silently – thought that it didn’t make that much of a difference at this stage.
The others filed to the observation room as Jack walked into the isolation room of the infirmary, noting the crash cart placed by the door just in case. He nodded to the SFs, who pointed their guns at Daniel and walked forward. He slowly, almost grudgingly, followed Jack into the infirmary.
Carolyn sat down in one of the chairs in the hall hard, putting her head in her hands for a moment. When she felt someone sit down beside her, she jerked herself upright.
“I’m fine,” She insisted, meeting Landry’s eyes.
“Liar. You’ve been fighting for her for a week,” Landry said quietly, amused. “When was the last time you ate or slept?”
“I’ll be fine,” She insisted again.
“You can’t help anyone if you get ill,” Landry pointed out. “I’ll have some food sent up to the infirmary, which you will eat.”
“I don’t need-” Carolyn began but he cut her off.
“That’s an order, Doctor,” her father said sharply. “I need my staff in good health.”
She gave in, sighing and standing. “I’d better get back to it,” She said with a small smile. “I don’t know what General O’Neill’s planning, but I think I should be there.”
“Keep me informed,” He nodded and turned to walk away.
“Sir,” Carolyn said hesitantly after a moment. He turned to look at her. “Thank you. For the food, I mean.”
He nodded and walked on, understanding.
* * * *
“Are you just going to stand there?” Jack said in a low voice. “Or are you going to talk to the woman who’s dying for saving you?”
It was strange, this internal injuries business, Jack thought. Vala looked as though she were sleeping, a little pale and tired. The way her eyes blinked slowly and looked around the room as if trying to place it reminded Jack of someone who’d taken a hard knock to the head. Not someone who’d stopped breathing three times in the previous forty-eight hours and dragged herself back from the brink each time, not someone who should elicit that look on the doctor’s face.
Jack waved a hand at Vala, still barely conscious, keeping his voice quiet so the observers above wouldn’t hear as well. He didn’t know Vala that well but those who did shouldn’t have to hear what he had to say. She’d tossed herself in front of bullets on the off-chance they’d be able to save Daniel. And it wasn’t the first time. As far as he was concerned, that said everything that needed to be said.
“She took three bullets for you without a thought. They ripped up her gut and damaged a few internal organs that it turns out she needs. I’m no doctor,” He said, voice intense, “But she doesn’t have long.”
Daniel looked at him blankly. “What’s your point?”
Jack simply looked at him, trying to fight the urge to hit him. This isn’t-
“Daniel.”
The two men froze.
“Daniel.” A little louder this time. They turned to look at Vala, who was clenching and unclenching her fists, shaking her head slowly with closed eyes.
“Say I accept you’re not Daniel,” Jack hissed. “Will you accept that in her morphine-addled mind you might pass for him?”
“What are you asking me to do?” Daniel asked, voice light. Curious, even.
“Stand next to her and say, ‘It’s Daniel’ so she can have a little bit of peace before bullets that should have hit you kill her,” He replied sharply. “The fact that you’re standing there means you owe her that much. And I’m not asking.” As if taking it as a cue, the SFs drew their weapons but didn’t aim them.
Daniel took the hint, moving slowly towards the bed. He stood awkwardly beside it, looking impassively at the barely conscious Vala. He tilted his head and reminded Jack chillingly of a scientist studying a Petri dish or specimen.
“Daniel?”
She opened her eyes slowly, fighting hard to keep them open. Jack turned to Dr. Lam, who nodded, indicating that she’d taken the edge off the morphine as Daniel stiffly nodded.
“You’re not him,” Vala said quietly, tears gathering in her eyes as she turned her head away. “That I remember clearly.”
“I was,” He replied, voice even.
Vala looked away, silent. Jack could see her blinking and taking a deep breath.
Daniel made to move away but stopped when Jack’s raised hand brought guns to aim at him. He glared at Jack and turned back to Vala.
“You asked for him,” He said, an edge of frustration in his voice. “Now you won’t speak to me?”
Vala shook her head and gasped at the pain the action brought.
“I can increase the-” Lam began as she started forward, stopping when Jack put a hand on her wrist and shook his head. They needed to let this play out.
“You’re in pain and near death,” Daniel said softly, his voice even gentle. “You should pray to the Ori for forgiveness and they may grant you a place among them.”
The look Vala gave him could have stripped paint, but she still didn’t say anything, turning her head away again.
Daniel and Jack played the same let-me-leave, not-a-chance pantomime again. Turning back again, Daniel waited a few minutes of resolute silence. About to say something, he stopped at Vala’s small hiss of pain. Sweat trickled down her temples and she grit her teeth with closed eyes, instinctively grabbing his hand and dropping it like a hot coal when she opened her eyes and let out a breath. Daniel looked at his hand in surprise. A few minutes later and after a jerk of Jack’s head, he tentatively asked, “How do you feel?”
Vala kept her head facing away from him, but answered quietly and with difficulty. “Like these painkillers wouldn’t work even if I had more of them and that more blankets wouldn’t make me warmer. Other than that, peachy. Yourself?”
“Uncomfortable in this current situation,” Daniel replied slowly, blinking as if startled. “But you are speaking now.”
“Why uncomfortable?” Vala asked, voice low and strained, eyes still closed.
“You wish to hear?” Daniel responded, again surprised.
“Gives me something to focus on,” She said. “Just don’t tell me stories. I’ve read the damn book already.”
Jack bit back a quick smile and looked at Lam, who was staring at the scene before her. He nodded to the observation room.
“That is why I am uncomfortable,” Daniel said softly.
Vala’s head snapped around and she flashed him an angry look. “Because I’m an unbeliever?”
“Because I’m a priest,” He corrected. “Many of our order forget our less … elevated … duties. This crusade-” He broke off.
“They corrupt the good book,” Vala said with a small smile. He looked at her and nodded, eyes questioning. “I knew a man. He was kind to me. He died because of that corruption.”
Daniel nodded slowly. “Tomin. He died?”
Vala nodded, seeing a flash of the old Daniel in the concern in his eyes. “A prior corrupted the story of Markov and the line in the sand to justify killing a village of innocent people,” She said, her voice gaining some strength. “He … expressed his doubts about the interpretation. They killed him.”
“That is not Origin,” Daniel said earnestly. “You must believe that.”
“You sound just like him,” Vala replied gently. “You were both always trying to save me from myself.”
Daniel smiled and looked at her, then blinked as if caught doing something he shouldn’t and carried on with what he had began. “Many of our order have forgotten their duties to those who convert,” He continued, looking at her. “That includes healing and preparing a soul for death. It makes me … uncomfortable … to stand and watch when I cannot fulfil my duties.”
She narrowed her eyes slightly, taking a deep breath as a wave of pain went through her. “If you feel uncomfortable watching me in pain, you see me as more than an unbeliever.”
He blinked again.
“I wanted to be more subtle,” Vala said through gritted teeth. “But I’m in a lot of pain and running out of time here.”
“Can you not do something for the pain?” Daniel asked, looking over his shoulder at Dr. Lam.
As she began to reply, Jack interrupted, “Can’t you? You said one of your duties was to heal. So heal.”
“It is forbidden,” Daniel replied. “She is an unbeliever.”
“And my suffering makes you uncomfortable,” Vala repeated softly. “So clearly you still think I’m a person regardless.”
“There are those that claim unbelievers are inhuman,” Daniel explained, watching her. “I believe they are … misguided.”
Lam came to the other side of the bed and looked at Vala. “I can give you something for it if you want me to.”
Vala looked at her and then at Daniel on her other side. “Why?”
“We all began as something else,” Daniel said with a small smile. “The path of Origin is a continuation of a different road for everyone. To judge people because they are behind you cannot be what those who first help us on the path intended.”
“The Ori forgave Markov,” Vala said with a nod. “And the village took him back.”
Daniel inclined his head and frowned slightly as Vala gasped, taking deep, shuddering breaths as she struggled with the pain from her wounds. Jack, gritting his teeth, noticed that Daniel’s hand twitched almost involuntarily and that he clenched his fist when Vala did.
“Vala?” Lam asked gently. “I think I should-”
“No,” Vala said sharply, breathing in slowly and deliberately. “Dying in pain I don’t mind so much. I had a baby, remember?” She looked at Lam and raised her chin. “Dying half crazy I mind.”
Lam swallowed and nodded, putting a hand over Vala’s and walking back to behind Jack.
“It does not have to be like this,” Daniel said quietly, looking at her. “I could stop this.”
She looked at him, a mute challenge in her eyes.
“Or even just make it less painful,” He continued softly. “If that’s what you want.”
“And all I’d need to do,” Vala said, voice equally soft and eyes intent on his, “Is be like Markov and come back to the village.”
He nodded.
Vala’s eyes turned hard and she paled as she sat up as far as she could to look deeply into his eyes.
“Never.”
Daniel let out an explosive sigh as she collapsed into the pillows, breathing hard and shaking. He ducked his head, putting both hands on the side of the bed, and then lifted his head to look at her, pale eyes blazing.
“Why?” He asked, anger colouring his voice. “Why won’t you-”
“Why what, Daniel?” Vala asked, voice low and exhausted. “Accept the Ori as my gods? For all your differences between Origin and the Ori – yes, I noticed them – and all your levels and subtleties, that’s what it is. Their power would be what heals me, not your belief in human enlightenment and benevolence. There’s no interpretation or sermon you can give that can change that.”
“I was going to ask,” Daniel said softly. “Why won’t you let me save you?”
Vala swallowed and looked away, voice ragged with pain and emotion. “Because right now it’s the same thing.”
“You’d be alive,” He argued. “Surely that’s better than the alternative.”
Vala turned her head to look at him, eyes ablaze. “I’d be theirs. I’d rather die now and like this.”
“You’d be alive,” Daniel repeated, fists clenching.
“And I’d have lost the last thing that matters that they can take from me!” Vala snapped, eyes pleading for him to understand. “I won’t let that happen. I can’t.”
“Why do you feel it is so possessive? Where in the book of Origin does it say that the Ori own us?” Daniel argued, voice rising.
“And where does it say that people should be converted?!” Vala returned, her voice gaining strength again despite the way the colour drained from her face and sweat ran to her temples again from the sheer effort of staying awake and arguing. “I’ve read it cover to cover, looking for whatever it is they- you see and I can’t make myself believe what I know to be a lie.”
“The book is not a lie,” Daniel virtually hissed.
“And it’s not about the damn book!” Vala replied, gasping. Lam rushed to her side and tried to make her lie back, but she waved her off, eyes on Daniel’s, voice more even. “The book is a tool to make good people do things they would otherwise know to be wrong. It’s a trick. They won’t ascend me or you, they will never ascend anyone.”
“That’s a lie,” Daniel insisted. “They help us along-”
“No-one can or should help you along that path but yourself,” Vala interrupted, now as near to shouting as she could be. Lam hovered in the background, expression concerned. “You’re the one who told me that, and you should know since you were ascended without the damn Ori then chose to come back here!”
Daniel looked away, features twisted in anger, as Vala coughed violently and accepted a glass of water and lay back again.
“I won’t do it, Daniel,” She repeated. “I can’t. I see them as ‘possessive’ because all they’ve done is take from me. What the goa’uld left of me in scattered pieces, they smashed again just as I was-”
She stopped and took a steadying breath, eyes closed and complexion approaching translucent.
He didn’t ask her to continue, but he stood next to the bed as if waiting on it.
“I knew a man,” Vala said softly. Her voice had changed, lower in volume but more even and resolute. “He was good and kind. Gentle, quiet, decent-”
“If this is an attempt to-” Daniel began.
“It’s not always about you, you know,” Vala retorted, eyes still closed. “The Ori used his belief to turn him into a killer before they killed him. And I cared about him.” She took another deep breath, pausing. “They used me to deliver their own, used my own instincts to protect their own, and then took her.”
A longer pause this time, a few more breaths necessary to continue and her fists clenched. “But the worst thing that they did to me was take away the man who dragged me back to a meaningful existence kicking and screaming every inch of the way with more patience than I’ll ever have. The man I-” He looked at her impassively as a playful almost-smile formed on her lips as she broke off sharply. “Just so you know, this time I am talking about you.”
She opened her eyes and took his hand, meeting his eyes. He didn’t respond, but nor did he resist. Her voice had begun to fade and she’d begun to gasp for breath between words, but her eyes were calm. “And it’s still not enough … because I won’t kneel to them. They can … change what they are… but not who ...”
“What are you saying?” Daniel asked her, his expression troubled.
“I’m saying they’re still human, Daniel,” Vala said forcefully, voice and expression becoming distant, sleepier. “They were … like us … once…They’re as selfish as we are, as proud… as fierce and foolish… I’m saying that they’re more … powerful but they’re not… they’re not… they’re no better.”
Daniel stood at her side, expression neutral. But Jack paid attention to his hand, sitting on the bed next to Vala’s. Almost touching, but not quite. And it was shaking very slightly.
Vala took a breath, shallower this time. “This is what I have left, this is … what they’ve left of me. Not even my body… only my … my will. I’ll say it … to them as well as … as well as you because they’re listening … I know.”
She opened her eyes, it seeming to be a struggle to keep them that way. Jack looked to Lam, alarmed and expecting her to indicate the morphine kicking in or something similar. He froze when he saw her eyes were painfully bright, her knuckles white. She met his eyes and nodded sadly.
“You… can’t … have … me,” Vala said resolutely, her eyes snapping open and appearing to summon the very last of her strength. “And I’m … going somewhere you… you’ll never reach. For everything … everything … you’ve taken… not me. Teal’c?” She asked quietly. There was a quiet rush of footsteps as the others came into the small room. Teal’c stood at the bedside opposite Daniel. He put a hand in the one she shakily raised, inclining his head.
“What do you require of me?” He asked gently.
“I want… to know … how to say it,” She said with a small smile playing on her lips. “I … I die … I die free,” Vala finished, letting out a breath of relief.
“I believe you just did,” Teal’c said quietly, voice thick.
Vala nodded slowly, muttering, “I die free,” under her breath, voice fading more with each breath and each repetition.
The monitors sounded as her eyes closed.
From the quiet serene of Vala’s last words came a ferocious flurry of activity, people being pushed aside as nurses and crash carts came into the room, Lam a sudden whirlwind.
Watching for a moment with horrified fascination as they began compressions and began to prepare the ‘extraordinary measures’ Lam had mentioned, Jack grabbed Daniel’s arm just below the elbow. Shaking him until his stunned and numb eyes snapped to Jack’s, he looked between Jack and the team surrounding Vala.
“You can stop this,” Jack hissed, not letting go of his arm and Daniel didn’t try to shake him off. “Do you know what they’re going to do to her?” Daniel met his eyes again, staring at him. “They’re going to put a tube down her throat to force her to breathe. They’re going to put wires in her body to keep her alive. But she’s going to be dead. And she’s just going to stay like that, forever. She’s not going to wake up or die. What will that mean for her path?”
“She didn’t want that,” Daniel said softly, looking down. “She said … ‘I die free’ … she wanted to die or …” His head snapped up. “Or she wanted …”
“She wanted to live,” Jack finished.
Daniel looked between the two of them, the pale hand hanging loosely from the bed as they fought to keep Vala alive and Jack.
“They’ll kill me for this,” Daniel said, voice low and eyes calm.
Jack replied as quietly, “She’ll be alive.”
Daniel nodded with a smile. “Tell her the coin from
He waited until Jack nodded again, clasping a hand on his wrist and turning as Jack shouted for everyone to get out of the way, now.
He walked up to her bedside, put his hands on her stomach and brought to bear every ounce of power he could summon. He only prayed it was enough before the flames took him.
He felt heat, unbearable, ferocious heat and then …nothing.
* * * *
It tingled.
He was expecting it to burn.
And wherever he was, the ceiling tiles were horrible.
But amazingly familiar.
Daniel shot up in the infirmary bed, stretching out his arms and seeing his normal light tan. He cautiously put his hands on his cheeks and turned, looking for a reflective surface.
“They’re blue again, darling,” A voice said, amused. He turned and saw Vala sitting up in the bed next to his, smiling brightly. “Have to say it suits you better. Though I guess I can live with the grey hair.”
His hand was halfway to his head before she burst out laughing.
“Any chance I’m getting that coin back?” Daniel asked, grinning.
She smirked and shook her head. “You don’t know how to pick locks.”
“You could always teach me,” Daniel replied.
“Do be serious,” Vala retorted. “A girl needs some secrets.”
He looked at her and felt his smile fade, remembering watching her die again. “Vala-”
“You’re back, I’m alive and we both used up yet another life so let’s call it even,” She broke in with a soft smile. “So how’d you know Jack would give me it even though you didn’t stay dead?” Vala asked, curious.
Daniel nodded with a relieved smile. “He’s mean like that,” He replied with a grimace. “And he likes torturing me.”
“Ah,” She said slowly then grinned. “That explains why I liked him so much then. We share hobbies.”
A month and a half before, Daniel would have rolled his eyes. But looking at her and seeing her healthy enough to be talking that quickly, he couldn’t help but return the grin and stare.
Not that she noticed. And he supposed that meant she wouldn’t when it became his new hobby. He shook his head and tried to pay attention as she began relentlessly updating him on what everyone had been doing while he had been gone, animatedly sitting cross-legged on the bed and constantly jumping between topic – base gossip, what the cafeteria had served, the time they talked to an empty room, the jail-break she was already planning under Carolyn’s nose …
He honestly tried to pay attention to what she was saying and completely failed.
But it definitely tingled.
** The End
**
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