Burning Embers Part 8
By:
Stacy L.
CLIMBING TO SVARGA
Open Admission
Daniel looked at Jack having said his good bye and thank you to Carson Beckett for his help in removing the marker and felt suddenly very nervous. Unsure of what to do or say he turned to glance at Narayana before turning back to Jack and softly inquiring, “So what now?”
What he had actually meant to ask was ‘where do we go from here,’ but quickly found he couldn’t form the words. Mentally cursing his inability to say what he wanted he was caught a bit off guard by Jack’s answer: “We get you some clothes.”
“I have clothes Jack.”
“No. You have a very revealing outfit that um…well, we just… You can’t go out like that.”
Gazing at Jack perplexed he quietly questioned, “And why not Jack?”
Less startled by that question than he had expected himself to be Jack answered, “Because um, well it’s very, um…”
“Revealing?”
“Yes.”
“And…?”
“And… Well I’d, I’d have to pry everyone off of you and that’s really hard work, you know.”
Daniel grinned before nodding and saying, “So what should I be wearing, Jack?”
“Hmm, hold on. I’ll be right back.”
“Oh…okay.”
Jack quickly disappeared into the next room rummaging around in the drawers trying to find something Daniel might feel comfortable in and settling for a large black t-shirt and jeans. Returning he offered, “Try these on.”
Daniel gazed at the offered clothes frowning at the jeans. He wasn’t sure he’d much care for those but accepted them anyway before leaving the room to do as bid. When he returned Jack’s mouth dropped open and his eyes glazed over. Daniel blushed briefly before admitting, “Jack, I don’t like them.”
“You look great…”
“But I still don’t like them. I’m sorry, Jack.”
Gently nibbling his bottom lip he nodded his head before responding, “No, no that’s perfectly all right and understandable. Tell me what you don’t like about them. Be honest and we’ll see what we can do to help.”
“Well I…,” sighing he attempted to explain, “Jack I don’t…,” and shifted uncomfortably before brushing a hand down across the black t-shirt he now wore confessing, “I just… They feel too tight.”
Narayana spoke up then, “Perhaps the texture is too harsh?”
“No. No it’s, no they’re too…they’re just too restrictive.”
Understanding Daniel’s discomfort Jack nodded his head, glancing at the size before again leaving the room. When he came back he had another shirt in his hands this one an extra large, “Here try this.”
Hesitating he began, “I don’t know, Jack, I…,” then paused, nodding before quickly removing the t-shirt he wore. He slowly reached for the one Jack offered hearing the unmistakable drawn breath Jack took upon seeing his bare chest and grinned shyly before putting the offered shirt on. He tensed waiting for the restrictive feel of it, relieved when it hung looser on him. Shifting again he said, “I still don’t like these clothes, Jack, but this feels much better.”
“You’re used to loose fitting clothes apparently.”
“Free flowing clothes, yes.”
His voice took on a softer tone as he offered, “Like your silks?”
“Yes.”
“Then we’ll get you some silks or satin…”
“Satin, Jack?”
“It’s a smooth softer fabric like silk but not the same. I’m sure there are men’s clothes made from it. They’ll be pricy but worth it if they increase your comfort.”
“Oh…okay Jack. Thank…thank you.”
“Sure. Anything for you, Daniel, anything for you…”
Daniel offered another shy smile before gripping a small bit of denim and muttering, “What about these? I… They…”
“The pants will be a little more difficult to replace. They’re designed to fit snug and tight. You need to break them in and…”
“Break them in?”
“Um wear them for a bit before they fit comfortably.”
Furrowing his brow Daniel quietly grumbled, “And how long is ‘a bit’, Jack?”
Picking up on the discomfort evident in Daniel’s voice he answered, “Too long for you… Here I’ll get a bigger size. They’ll still be somewhat restrictive but a little looser I hope.”
“Oh…okay.”
He left and returned again. When Daniel changed into the baggier jeans he smiled nervously before saying, “They’re a little better but not much. I’m sorry, Jack. I don’t mean to be so difficult…”
“You’re not, really.”
“Yes I am.”
Cupping his cheek he softened his voice further as he reassured, “No you’re not. Okay?”
Daniel nodded.
Jack smiled before stating, “We’ll have to go shopping for you, but right now that’s the biggest size pants I have so you’ll have to wear them for a little bit. If it’s too much just take them off and…”
“Run around naked?”
“Nice image, but no.”
Down casting his gaze he released a quiet, “Oh,” before glancing nervously at Jack and saying, “Okay Jack.”
Looking at him now Jack was able to grasp the full impact of how difficult the changes would be for Daniel to accept and deal with. He was used to living as a slave and servant. He was used to a life that was automatically preplanned for him. He was used to being told what to do and ordered, commanded, to follow another’s rules and expectations. In Mara’s world there was no room for free choice, independent thought or freedom of will. In Mara’s home Daniel was a slave who was expected, required to be only what Mara wanted him to be, no more and definitely no less. He had no free will. He had been stripped of the right to do things for himself. In his master’s world he was required to live for Mara, never for himself. In his master’s world he was property and therefore had no say as to how he would be used by his master. In his master’s world his life was never his to live.
Saddened by that realization Jack found himself admitting, “There’s going to be some adjustment on both our parts here, Daniel, but that’s all perfectly normal, okay?”
Lowering his head as if ashamed by that statement Daniel muttered a tense, “Okay,” that had Jack responding by instantly drawing him close choosing to change the topic as he gently prodded, “Hungry?”
“Um yes but…”
“Then let’s get something to eat. Whaddya say?”
Daniel said nothing so Jack filled the silence with, “Come on. Let me show you how to use silverware and…”
Daniel’s head flew up and he gazed at him with a mix of terror and shame lighting his expressive face before managing, “Jack, I...um I can…” and again lowered his gaze as he allowed the sentence to trail off.
Jack instantly felt like an ass, as if he had just driven a knife into his own heart knowing his suggestion no doubt upset and hurt Daniel as he quickly came to realize that he either didn’t know how to use silverware or hadn’t in a very long time. Unfortunately that realization no doubt confounded in Daniel’s mind just how much of his life had been under another’s control stirring all kinds of self-doubt and self-loathing deep within. Shit!
Not knowing how to undo the error he had made Jack could only come up with a gentle, “Being hand fed is different than feeding yourself, Daniel, and you said he always…”
“Yes for many years, since I was a boy he, um…,” dropping his gaze further Daniel nodded before informing, “I think I remember how from when I was a kid, so I should be fine.”
Smiling Jack drew him into a tighter hug as he assured, “I’ll be here if you need me.”
Daniel released a quiet sigh of relief before saying, “Thank you, Jack. Thank you…for everything.”
Pulling apart they both headed into the dining room feeling more positive than before that everything would work out. It would just take some time, and time was something they both now had a lot of.
* * * *
Several Weeks Later…
My adjustment to Jack’s world is
turning out to be much more difficult than I had first expected. I have a hard
time grasping the concept, the idea, the very notion that I am free. I don’t feel free at all. Instead
I feel extremely uncomfortable and extremely awkward. He tries his best to make
me feel calm, relaxed and comfortable. He’s there always helping me, guiding
me, listening to me but still I feel extremely awkward in his world. The
clothes I now wear are too tight and too restrictive. I can’t move freely in
them. Jeans and a t-shirt, shoes and socks, a jacket when cold I… I don’t feel
comfortable in them at all. He keeps trying though, bringing me shirts made of
softer materials, jeans that are baggy instead of tight fitting yet I still
feel out of place.
I feel awkward not having to
serve or be commanded to do things. I still wait to eat and drink so used to
being fed ONLY when my master felt it was time for me TO eat. It saddens Jack I
believe, but I can’t help it. If I ate or drank at will in my master’s house I
would’ve been beaten and lost a hand. Those old fears are still there, though I
trust Jack and know he’d never hurt me, but I also spent most of my life under
another’s roof, serving another’s whims.
This life is difficult for me, a
challenge, and I fear it greatly upsets Jack. He doesn’t understand what I’m
feeling, what I’m going through. He can’t comprehend why I can’t openly accept
everything he’s given me. He tries, but I can see it frustrates him and when
he’s frustrated so am I. I find myself longing to do some of those things I so
loved to do at the palace but fearful to even attempt them because it will
upset Jack, and I don’t want to upset him further. Still, I feel as if I’m
trapped in a stranger’s body, in a stranger’s world, in a stranger’s life…
After writing the entry he closed the book and walked around the house. He entered the spare room and noticed how open it was. Closing the door he found he couldn’t resist the urge to do something he used to do for entertainment. He walked over and clicked a knob on what Jack had called a radio and smiled when he heard music turning through stations until he found one that played fast tempo music. The words were foreign to him for he had only heard the language spoken, never used in a song but as the rhythm built he soon found himself lured into it.
Without thought he removed the restrictive clothing, all but the t-shirt he wore and closed his eyes. As he closed them he listened to the beat and felt the rhythm thrum through his body. He swore he would only listen but soon he began to move his hips back and forth. He began swaying from side to side as the beat continued. Next he started to move his feet and without conscious realization he began to dance losing himself in the beat and the rhythm, losing track of time, of where he was allowing the music to speak to him and spark to life a part of himself he feared he’d have to sacrifice for Jack.
* *
Jack returned to the house and immediately searched for Daniel growing worried when he couldn’t find him. He asked Narayana where he was and Narayana had informed him that he was unsure of Daniel’s whereabouts. Jack grew more anxious beginning to check every room in the house and pausing only when he heard a soft sensual beat…music. He held his breath as he carefully approached the final room he hadn’t yet checked and as he opened the door his breath hitched and his gaze fell to Daniel. He quickly became hypnotized as he took in Daniel’s features: his closed eyes, his languid movements, his silently drifting about the room as he danced around and around as if he were alone in the world. Daniel was a beautiful dancer and Jack quickly found himself captivated by him yet again. He could spend hours watching Daniel dance and soon he too lost track of time. He had no idea how long he stood there staring at the beautiful man dancing about the room. He didn’t move…until the beat of the music shifted growing slower, changing into a more intimate tune.
* *
As the beat and tempo of the music changed Daniel slowed then stopped before opening his eyes, startled when he saw Jack, an apology already on his lips as fear began to crowd into him. Unable to find his voice Daniel shook his head before darting for the door intent on leaving the room as quickly as he was able. Jack halted him in his tracks with a simple touch that had him jerking back towards him before casting his gaze quickly to the floor. He found he couldn’t look at Jack and flinched at the softness in his lover’s voice as he gently questioned, “Daniel, are you afraid to dance because of me?”
Shaking his head violently he replied, “No, no. I…!” Falling silent he lowered his gaze again before managing, “I didn’t want to remind you…”
“What? Daniel, speak up. I can barely hear you.”
Swallowing hard he repeated, “I didn’t want to remind you.”
“Remind me? Of what?”
“Of…of my life before you, of, of him…of my role, my previous status I… I know how much it bothers you, Jack, and I didn’t want to remind you of…”
Reaching out he gently cupped Daniel’s face before shaking his head and saying, “No, no. I don’t want you to do that, Daniel.”
“To…to do what?”
“To deny who you are, who you were. I don’t want you to feel you have to completely change for me, or anyone for that matter. I don’t want you denying who you are, Daniel. I want you to be who you are. I want you to continue to do those things that made you happy, that you enjoyed. If you want to continue dancing then do it, don’t avoid it because of me Daniel.”
“But…”
“No, no. Don’t deny who you are, Daniel, please. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself to please me or make me happy or make me forget. Do you know what will make me happy, Daniel, do you?”
The shake of his head was his only response prompting Jack to further soften his voice as he answered, “Being yourself, Daniel, that’s what makes me happy. When you’re able to be yourself and have no fear of upsetting me. I want that very much, Daniel.”
“Wha…but I… There are things I… It upsets you, Jack, the things I used to do. My former life it upsets you and I…I don’t want to do that. I don’t like to do that…to you.”
“Please be yourself, Daniel. Don’t deny who you are. Be that person, for me, for Narayana…for yourself. Please.”
“All…all right, Jack, I’ll…I’ll try.”
“Don’t try, Daniel, do. Do it.”
He nodded his head in agreement feeling relief fill him as Jack gave him permission to be who he wanted to be. He had been so afraid to upset and remind Jack of the life he had led that he had tried to eliminate anything and everything that could even remotely remind Jack of it, but in doing so he had felt as if his life were empty, as if he were nothing. He was miserable, and he didn’t know what to do to fix it. Now he had a direction again, a purpose, a reason. Now he was something more than nothing, and he desired that very much, to be something. Releasing the tense breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding he felt as if he had also released an extremely heavy burden that had beforehand been crushing him so thoroughly beneath its weight. Now, now he could move on and hopefully become something more than just Mara’s pet slave.
*
* * *
Breaking the Chain
Closing his eyes, squeezing them tightly shut he could hear the resounding crack as he recalled his master’s final cruelty towards him. He had been enraged. He had been so very angry, and Daniel still didn’t know why. He shook his head drawing his arms protectively around himself as he recalled huddling, literally huddling in the corner of the room afraid to move, unable to move. He recalled his master standing over him shouting before kicking him and shouting some more. He recalled too vividly curling around his hands, balling his body around them afraid, terrified that his master would destroy them as angry as he was. He remembered the pain, the fear, the terror of that moment.
The beating seemed to last forever. It was vicious, brutal and all he could do was shiver and whimper, wince as again a kick was thrown at him. He prayed someone would stop it, but knew if anyone dared he would suffer even more.
He recalled being dragged again to his feet, slammed back first against the wall feeling the yank on his arms and the harsh pulling on them as his master attempted to dislodge his hands from his chest. He would not yield and instead of doing whatever it had been his master had intended he felt the fist as it struck him hard across his cheek, felt his body slam against the wall to his left, felt his legs quiver, shaking so violently they crumpled beneath him and again he felt a kick, a strike.
He doubled his efforts to safeguard his hands again curling his body so tightly around them managing somehow to turn and face the corner he was in, releasing a harsh cry of pain as another kick landed in his side and feeling overwhelming relief as blackness descended upon him praying his master would walk away when he saw his victim was no longer responsive.
What happened after that he had no idea, but somehow sensed, knew, was certain that Narayana came to him, carried him to his rooms and tended to his many injuries. He remembered the first time he awoke in the aftermath his body so full of pain it stole his breath away but so grateful that he was in his rooms, no longer being assaulted…
He jerked his head up then when he heard Jack call his name. When he focused on Jack he realized he was being asked if he were all right. He opened his mouth to say yes but instead found himself saying, “He wasn’t always like that, you know.”
Knowing instantly who Daniel was speaking of he settled beside him and gently prodded, “Like what?”
“Abusive. Angry…quick to punish… He used to be so good to me, and then something changed.”
“What?”
“You…and others…”
“Others…?”
“He was very jealous. He didn’t like me associating with people. He responded with restrictions and eventually… Well you know how it eventually ended up.”
“He beat you.”
Daniel nodded. Silence fell between them again for several moments before Daniel broke it with, “The only man he never became jealous of was Narayana.”
“Why? What was different about him?”
“He practically raised me, so Mara had no fear of him…stealing my affections. He knew how I felt about him and wasn’t threatened by him, but all others… He couldn’t control them. He began lashing out…at me. At first I didn’t understand why and then…I just accepted that our relationship had changed and would never change back. You know, I never understood why he still held onto me when he always seemed so displeased with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“He could have sold me or destroyed me, but he did neither.”
“Perhaps he loved you.”
“I…I don’t know about that, Jack.”
“Why, Daniel? You’re so easy to love.”
“And to hate too apparently…”
He noticed Daniel lower his gaze before beginning to unconsciously rub the back of his neck prompting him to question, “Are you all right? Daniel?”
A distracted gaze flitted across his face before he replied with, “Hmm?”
Jack softened his voice further as he questioned again, “Are you all right?”
Again the distracted glance appeared and silence filled the room, silence that stretched for several moments before Daniel spoke again, “The collar was very heavy on my neck.”
Feeling his throat painfully constrict Jack swallowed hard before forcing out, “What collar?” licking his lips nervously as Daniel continued on as if he hadn’t heard the question at all, “Hmm… It was extremely heavy. He referred to it as a training collar because it was so very heavy that I could barely hold my head up. It forced my gaze always to be cast downward and my head always to be bowed submissively, much like the cage did. It became one of his more common punishments.”
Sure he already knew the answer but wanting to hear it from Daniel he asked, “Why?”
“Because… It was to remind me of my place, of my status, of what I was… I’d hurt after it was removed. Headaches, I’d get headaches and my muscles would always become so tight. Bruises, it left some of the nastiest bruises too… Do you know how hard it is to be forced to keep your head down and at the same time feel it being pulled down? It was so heavy and by the end of the evening I nearly begged to be permitted to lie down, to gain relief from the chain. The next morning I’d have to rise again and kneel. The collar seemed heavier each day. When he took it off I was relieved and very willing to obey at all costs for fear I’d be made to suffer that punishment again. Funny you think something like a lashing would be more effective but no that collar was hell.”
Without thought Jack moved to embrace the younger man pulling him into his arms as he said, “Oh Daniel I’m so sorry.”
At first Daniel stiffened, unused to touch let alone hugs, but he quickly relaxed closing his eyes as he was held as if he were precious. He was never held like that before except by Narayana and he liked being held that way.
After what seemed like hours Jack quietly inquired, “Daniel?”
“Yes Jack?”
“Why…I mean, that is…why did you allow it…for so long, his treatment of you?”
“For precisely the reason you just stated…”
“What?”
“Because I was with him for so long… I spent years with him, Jack. He, I was dependent on him for my very existence. He taught me that at a very young age, taught me that I couldn’t exist, that I couldn’t live without him.”
“You see I still don’t quite understand that…”
Relaxing against Jack he released a quiet sigh before answering, “Of course you wouldn’t, Jack. You can’t understand because you’ve never been in my place. He, I became his at a very young age. He claimed me and held onto me for many, many years. When I failed him I was re-educated. I was taught all over again that one golden rule of his…”
“Treat others the way you want to be treated?”
“No, Jack, don’t be silly. No. His golden rule was that I was dependent on him for everything, Jack, everything.”
“You see now there’s where I’m confused, Daniel. I mean how could you give someone that much control over you?”
Shaking his head he drew in a calming breath before continuing, “Have you ever had to rely on another for your basic needs, Jack? Have you ever had to rely on another, depend on another for food and water, shelter, clothes, freedom from chains?”
“Well no…”
“I was cast into his dungeon when I was very young. I was told that since I refused him I would get nothing that I needed, that I required to survive, to live. He didn’t just take away basic comforts Jack he took away my basic needs. He eliminated them completely. He didn’t feed me. He didn’t give me water. He didn’t give me a blanket or allow any light to touch my filthy cell. What he gave me was desperation and fear. What he gave me was terror and despair, Jack. I…I used to beg the guards for any food they could spare and they would give me none, that is unless they wanted entertainment then they’d toss me scraps, scraps Jack and they’d laugh at me as I scrambled around reaching out blindly in the darkness trying to seize any bit of food I could find. I had to fend off the mice, Jack, for what little was given to me. Water was given at more frequency simply because I think he desired to prolong my suffering, but it was only given on occasion and when he chose to grant it to me. I was an innocent, Jack. I had never been exposed to such cruelty before even upon my capture. When he finally freed me of that imprisonment it was only to force me to run through the gauntlet and it was only to kill me, Jack. His only reason for releasing me from that dreadful cell was to make me run a gauntlet meant to take my very life. When I survived he granted me a name and my “education” in dependence continued. Don’t get me wrong I was fed more often once I survived the gauntlet but when I was finally able to rise on my own, to function as his servant I was again taught that valuable lesson of his…”
“That you were reliant on him for everything…”
“Yes. This time though he used it as part of my trainings. If I was pleasing to him, if I pleased him that day then I would earn my food. If I disappointed him I would go hungry. I had considered stealing food, you know, but once saw him take a woman’s hand for that very crime. He…destroyed it and I knew that to touch food without the master’s permission would result in the loss of either one or both of my hands. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice them, Jack. In fact just the thought of possibly losing even one of them… It terrifies me to death, Jack, terrifies me to death…”
He noticed that sometime during their conversation Daniel had unconsciously drawn his hands to his chest where they now resided, drawn tightly together being held over his heart, his body already half hunched over them as if to protect them. It was a gesture Narayana had warned him of, it was a gesture he had seen several times before, and the only reply he could form was to pull Daniel tighter against him, hold him close and gently rock him.
He spoke softer this time as he said, “I think I’m starting to understand why you allowed him so much control. He was very cruel to you.”
“No, no, not always. He was good to me in the beginning despite the games he played with feeding me. He, he would be so gentle with me. He would…he always fawned over me, always listened to me and took care of me until I began my training in the sensual arts…after, after that my time with him became much more intimate and…I, I was made to sleep with him.”
“And just how old were you at the time?”
“Oh um twenty, twenty something maybe I…I can’t recall. Those trainings…I hated them Jack. He would…he would, I was taught many positions and many…skills I’d rather have no knowledge of.”
“What…what all were you taught?”
“Everything you could imagine. Every way you could possibly think of to please a man or a woman…that was to be my newest function you see. I was to serve the elite. I was to meet their many…wiles no matter how bizarre, strange or perverse they were.”
“But…why? What purpose…”
“My main purpose in the bed chamber was as a spy for him. I was to please whoever he desired me to please and relay any information revealed to me during that time to him afterwards. Men and women it would seem have very loose tongues after they have been thoroughly pleasured and I was privy to all of it. I was in a sense a spy for him, a spy and a lure. My duties were many but my main ones were to please the elite, to lure others to him and to serve his every whim no matter how trivial or extravagant it was.”
“My lover the spy… It has a catchy ring to it.”
That brought a small smile to Daniel’s lips, which made Jack feel a whole hell of a lot better. He held the man tightly in his arms before pressing a kiss to his forehead and saying, “It sounds like you’ve lived a very…complicated life.”
“Hmm you could say that.”
They sat quietly after that neither speaking just enjoying being with each other, being close to one another. It wasn’t long before Daniel drifted asleep and Jack smiled brightly as he continued to hold him, silently urging him to dream pleasant dreams.
When Narayana entered the room he smiled brightly before turning and exiting again to give them some time together, pleased that Jack was there for Daniel.
* * * *
Daring to Take a
First Step
He knew he shouldn’t, after all it wasn’t his place to be touching things that didn’t belong to him, but he was drawn to it and as he settled on the bench swearing he wouldn’t touch anything his fingers found the keys and his eyes closed.
Before he realized what he was doing he began to play
pouring everything into what he was playing. He released his pain, his anger,
his self-hatred, his anguish and directed it all into the notes he was now
forcibly pressing into existence. His fingers roamed across the keys from one
end to the other playing rapidly sometimes harmonious, sometimes off key,
sometimes soft as if in a whisper, sometimes harsh as he banged into the keys
driving the notes out, channeling his rage and pain into every note he created.
His fingers knew where to go, where to touch, what to strike and tap. They knew
how to work together. They knew how to create. This was the only gift his
master had given him, the one gift he often attempted to beat out of him
forcing him to play only what he wanted to hear. He tensed on edge awaiting the
strike of the ruler, the impact of the belt as it was driven again and again
across hands that refused to obey. He awaited the correction, the insistent
order, the command “Sarameya that is a
depressing tune. Please play me something with a little more…flair.”
He hated that command and hated being ordered, commanded to play what another wanted to hear instead of what he needed to hear. He hated that command so very much and hated the way his master would drive the belt across his hands and fingers again and again before ordering him to play and forcing him to continue for endless hours forcing aching, bleeding, sore fingers to move when all he wanted to do was curl up and clutch them so very close to him, to keep them safe from further abuse.
He had always feared his master would one day succeed in breaking his hands, or permanently destroying them with his savage strikes. He had always feared that one of the prices his master would take from him was the use of his hands. He feared losing them and each time his master abused them he took extreme care of them, grateful when Narayana would tend to them and bandage them just so to keep his precious hands from being destroyed by the cruelty of an overbearing master.
Shaking his head he allowed his hands to still unaware until he opened his eyes that his cheeks were damp and he felt utterly exhausted. He sat there for what seemed like hours jumping only when a soft tender voice said, “That was absolutely beautiful, Daniel.”
Turning to gaze upon the face of the one addressing him he managed, “You didn’t stop me. You…you allowed me to…”
He directed his gaze to his hands noticing that they were whole and complete. No nicks or cuts marred them, no bruises stood out stark against them. He closed his eyes in silent relief swallowing hard before managing, “He would always stop me. He’d beat them until they bled and after that he’d beat them more. It was my punishment for daring to play something for myself, instead of for the one who owned me. I always feared that one day…”
His voice cracked and he lowered his head further gripping his hands tightly together before gasping when unfamiliar hands enclosed gently around them and the man with him said, “You have beautiful hands, Daniel, absolutely beautiful.”
He blushed before nodding and falling silent again before saying, “I was afraid he’d destroy them.”
Silence continued to stretch between them before Jack eventually broke it and guided Daniel into the bedroom where he watched him fall rapidly asleep then turned and headed to the living room halting as Narayana’s voice filled the room, “His fear was that his master would eventually destroy his hands, damage them to the point that they would be unusable. It is a fear he has always harbored deep inside.”
“Did his master…did he beat them?”
“Yes, you know that he did.”
Jack didn’t speak only nodded before Narayana began again, “He would start with a ruler then switch to a belt. Daniel would always come to me nearly in tears clutching his hands so close to his heart, fearing the worst as I would gently draw them to me. He was afraid he would eventually lose all use of them and his master played on that fear, he played on it to the hilt, Jack.”
“Did…how…I mean…”
“He would become so very afraid. I would have to gently urge him to allow me to tend to them. I was always slow, tender…always taking great care in tending to them. You have no idea the fear he held deep within do you, Jack? You believed he was accepting of his place, and he was. He was, but he harbored much fear within him…”
Silence again fell between them as seconds stretched into minutes before Narayana ended it with, “You gave him a great gift tonight.”
“What? What gift?”
“You allowed him the freedom to play for himself. You did not interfere. You did not attempt to stop him, instead you gave him the freedom to play what he desired and helped him more than you may ever realize. Thank you for that.”
Jack’s voice grew gruff as he managed, “His hands were they ever severely damaged?”
Narayana stilled closing his eyes as he attempted to silence the memory stirring within, but as Jack repeated the question he found himself remembering a time long ago when Daniel nearly lost that which he valued highly…
When he returned to
the room to check on Daniel what he found was him balled up on his bed. He
approached quickly before wrapping his arms firmly around him. Daniel’s first
reaction was to fight but he presently had little strength and so he simply
buried his face in the robes that belonged to Narayana. Recognizing the scent
immediately he settled some before curling tighter against him his shoulders
shaking. He rocked Daniel before softly saying, “Oh my beautiful Daniel what
has he done to you now?”
Daniel said nothing only
continued to cling to Narayana.
After his tears were
all spent he managed to lift his arm and drape it around Narayana’s neck before
hoarsely asking, “Bath, please…help me bathe.”
“It will be my
pleasure, Daniel. Come let us go.”
Narayana carefully
lifted Daniel into his arms watching as he immediately attempted to grasp onto
his robe with little success. It was then that he gazed with concern at his
precious hands. They were swollen, cracked and bleeding again. He watched as
Daniel attempted to tighten his grip only to release a heart shattering scream
as pain ricocheted up his arm, drawing in a deep shaky breath he managed, “I
can’t…I can’t move my fingers, Narayana. Oh God I can’t…no…no…I can’t lose
them. Please tell me I didn’t lose them. Please!”
And again tears caught
in his throat before rolling silently down over ashen cheeks as he gazed at his
presently useless hands resting against his body. He couldn’t move them and his
fear was so noticeable in his eyes. He knew that if he didn’t reassure Daniel
he would begin to panic so softening his voice further he said, “They will be
fine, Daniel. Once I tend to them they will be good as new. I promise you they
will be fine.”
“No, no…I can’t…can’t
feel them…I…I can’t…”
“They will be fine,
Daniel. You shall see. They will be fine.”
Fear built in the
young man’s eyes and soon he was drawing his hands tightly against his chest, a
gesture Narayana was extremely used to seeing yet still had the power to cut
and wound him deeply as Daniel’s pain sliced at him. As he drew them tightly
against him, holding them directly over his heart Narayana had to blink back
the moisture threatening to spill over. He couldn’t allow Daniel to see his own
fear and worry. He had to remain strong and he would. His hands looked horribly
damaged, as if Mara had chosen to destroy them making them permanently
unusable. He prayed that Mara hadn’t succeeded in his goal. Daniel valued his
hands highly and would die if he lost them to a tyrant’s anger and rage. He
couldn’t allow that to happen. He couldn’t!
Deciding it would be
best to get Daniel talking he questioned, “How did it happen?”
“I…I refused to play
for him. He grew angry and…and smacked them with a ruler. He told me if I
wouldn’t play for him then I would lose them. I started to play again, but he
was not pleased with what I chose to play and he…it…he lost control and just…
He stood over me railing and screaming and…”
Silencing the memory Narayana returned his focus to the present nodding before managing, “After that he would shield them anytime he was able. If his master was disciplining him for an infraction he would no longer raise his hands to block the blows instead he would draw them close to his body and would curl around them to shield and protect them. It was a great fear he held onto. He was certain that one day they would be damaged beyond all repair and he was not ready or willing to sacrifice them.”
Licking his lips he forced out, “After what, Narayana? You were saying… What happened?”
Closing his eyes Narayana realized that he had unknowingly revealed to Jack that there had been a time when Daniel’s hands had been severely damaged. Drawing in a calming breath as he prepared to tell the tale he answered, “There was one time Mara’s cruelty was extremely harsh. I feared that Daniel would lose both of his hands. I feared that they were truly damaged beyond all repair.”
“God…”
Continuing on as if he hadn’t heard the interruption Narayana managed, “I found him curled up in his bed. He was devastated, Jack. His hands…there was so much blood on the covers, on his silks, on his hands… The fingers, his precious fingers were mangled and…some were bent at awkward angles, no doubt broken from the repeated impact of strikes. I…there was so much blood… After I cleaned them…”
Shaking his head he continued, “I feared the worst as did he. He begged me to heal his hands for him. He…he was so afraid that day. It took many, many weeks for his hands to mend. Mara had been merciful. He did not make Daniel play until they were completely healed. After that he would continue to beat Daniel’s hands when he played but when they began to bleed… He would strike them less choosing instead to make Daniel play for several hours on end without stopping…that was the discipline for the infraction: to make him play for endless hours only what Mara desired to hear, never what Daniel wanted to play.”
“He… Why? Didn’t the bastard have a healing device? He could’ve used that and… WHY?”
Narayana focused intently on Jack as he simply said, “You already know the answer to that question, Jack.”
He bit the word out as if it were acid to his mouth, “Control.”
“Yes. Mara was all about control. Daniel was his. Daniel belonged to him, therefore he was treated as Mara saw fit. He could have healed Daniel’s hands with the hand device every time, but chose instead to make him suffer. Why? To again prove to Daniel that he was nothing more than a pretty object to be displayed and used as Mara saw fit. It took so long for Daniel’s hands to heal that time because Mara simply chose to make him suffer the pain. In doing so he assured a firmer hold on the one he owned and possessed. Daniel’s suffering did not matter to Mara as long as he could use it to drive a point home to his stubborn Lotar.”
“Did he ever use the hand device?”
“Yes at times he would become merciful and heal that which he destroyed. Daniel’s hands were as important to Mara as they were to Daniel. He did not want them destroyed. After that incident he waited several weeks then he used the hand device to mend his hands fully, but he refused to do so immediately. What point would he be able to make if he healed them right away? In doing as he had he again reaffirmed in Daniel’s mind that he relied on his master for everything, even mercy. Mara showed him that he could give as well as take away and that he could do so at his own discretion.”
Hot rage boiled within him, burning as he railed, “We should’ve killed the bastard when we had the chance!”
Narayana only nodded his head in agreement.
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