Burning Embers Part 9
By: Stacy L.
TO YOU I BARE MY SOUL
The Path of True Love
He gazed at Jack O’Neill for several moments knowing what he wanted to say but not certain how to present what Daniel requested of him. He knew how difficult it was for Daniel to share something so very personal with another that was not him. Narayana also knew that Daniel couldn’t do this himself because what he was now willing to offer Jack O’Neill was something far too precious and far too personal. As a result he told Daniel that he would do it for him if he was certain.
As he watched Jack now a distant memory flitted across his mind of the time he had given Daniel the gift he now wanted to share with the man he was in love with…
“Daniel, I have
something for you.”
“For me? You didn’t…”
“I did. Here.”
Daniel smiled before
slowly opening the gift gazing in surprise at the beautiful book contained
within. He hesitantly reached in and carefully opened it before muttering,
“It’s…it’s a journal, Narayana.”
Smiling he answered,
“Yes it is, and now you have a place to create…”
“Thank you but…”
growing sad he muttered, “I can’t accept it.”
“Why?”
“He’ll take it away.”
“Not if I keep it with
my belongings. He will never know of its existence, Daniel.”
“You…you’d do that…for
me?”
“Yes I would.”
Daniel smiled before hugging Narayana tightly.
Smiling softly at the brief memory he suddenly became aware that Jack was gazing at him waiting for him to speak. He quickly apologized for not paying attention before turning to completely face him informing, “Daniel is greatly saddened by the tension between the two of you.”
Jack hesitated caught off guard by the statement. Yes there was a subtle tension between them, but it was natural. They were working through it together, but apparently Daniel saw it as a bigger problem than he did prompting him to ask, “Why? I mean…”
“Please let me finish,” endeared Narayana.
Jack nodded and Narayana continued, “He has tried to work things out with you, but there is much hindering him and holding him back.”
“Ah…,” Now he understood. Daniel wasn’t able to share some things with him. His past wasn’t pretty and he often ignored any attempts to pry it out of him. It was frustrating but understandable considering all Daniel had suffered through. Aware that Narayana was speaking again he silenced his thoughts, “You insist that his life could not have been difficult, and for the most part you are correct, but there is much you do not know about Daniel…”
He paused before continuing, “There was much involved to bend him, if you would, to Mara’s will. You have asked him why he would surrender all to a man who resorted to abusing him, and he has told you it is because he had no choice, because he was owned and not free. He was property. I know when he says these things to you that you become very angry because you cannot comprehend why. Daniel has tried many times to explain this very thing to you, but when he attempts to do so he is uncertain as to how to tell you. He would like you to know the answers to your questions, but is unable to find the words to tell you himself so he has asked me to do something for him. It is his hope that this will help him to tell you things he finds very difficult to speak of.”
“Okay what did he ask you?”
Hesitating only a moment, struggling for the right words to use Narayana continued, “Daniel has had no avenue through which to vent and deal with his emotions and feelings. He was denied such a right. He had no way of dealing with his life…”
“So how’s he going to…?”
“He had no way… Except one…”
“What?”
“Mara did not know of this, for it was a secret I will never speak of to anyone…but you.”
“What…what is it? How did he…?”
“When he was very young he… I vowed to raise him as my own. I vowed to protect him as best I could and to do what I could for him despite the fact that My Lord owned him and viewed him as nothing more than a pretty trinket he could display and mold in his own image. I encouraged Daniel to be creative, to speak his mind, to grow on his own… When I saw the difficulty he was facing in coping with his master’s demands I presented him with a gift. He at first refused it for fear that Mara would find it and destroy it.”
“And did he…find it I mean?”
“No Jack.”
“What was the gift?”
Narayana turned and tugged one thing out of a box before turning back to Jack. He then continued, “What I offered him was this.”
Jack looked at it and asked, “A book?”
“Not just a book, Jack, but a journal. This is HIS journal. This box is full of HIS journals. There are many.”
“What?”
“I gave him a new one each time he would fill one, and I kept them hidden among my own property in my room so that his master would never know about them.”
“Journals…that box is full of…?”
“Journals and other things that belong solely to Daniel, things he wanted to keep, to hold onto…things he knew Mara would never allow him to keep.”
“Can I see what’s in there?”
“Eventually yes…”
“But…?”
“But first I want you to take this. I want you to read it. Daniel wants you to read it. Please? He has asked that I permit you to read this because he cannot find the words to tell you, to explain his life to you. Some entries are very short, especially the first few. He was young when I first presented the journals to him but not so young that he could not write how he felt. However this journal was his first. In it he wrote mainly of his life before his captivity, mostly of his transition, some on his capture…but mostly he wrote things he feared he would forget as he became what Mara wanted him to be. Some entries are simply his name written out repeatedly or his birthday written out, while others are drawings and notes… After he wrote down the facts he did not want to forget, the things he feared he would eventually lose such as his own name, he found writing his feelings and emotions a very big challenge so he would draw or compose in the journals. Through the years he was able to express himself better, but still you will find entries full of facts like names, dates, events… One of his greatest fears was that he would lose himself and become…nothing so he wrote down names of everyone even those he was made to serve. He wrote of places and things… These journals contain the life he was forced to leave behind, the person he was made into, the trials and tribulations he had to face to become who he now is… Perhaps, perhaps this will help. He asked that you start at the very beginning with the very first entry and read from there.”
“You um…is he, are you…are you both sure you want this?”
“He has spent much time debating this very thing in his mind and has asked me to be the one to give these to you. However I will give you only one at a time for contained within the pages are many things you will find difficult to accept. There are many, many things you and he must discuss and deal with before I will even consider giving the next journal to you, and I will only do so when Daniel feels that you are ready and able to.”
“Sounds fair I suppose…”
“It is overly fair, Jack. He is revealing himself to you through these. You are not sharing nearly as much with him.”
“Yeah, I know, I know he’s sacrificing his whole self whereas I’m only sacrificing my heart…”
“You know what I am saying is true.”
“Yes. Thank you.”
Narayana bowed his head before adding, “He is very in love with you, Jack, and he is entrusting you with this information. Do not hurt him or you and I will both lose him.”
With that said Narayana slipped quietly from the room carrying the box of remaining journals with him to give Jack time alone to contemplate what they had spoken of and to read some of the journal if he was ready to.
As Jack opened to the first page he read the first entry:
My name is Daniel, Daniel
Jackson.
Running his fingers over those very words Jack felt the moisture gathering at the corners of his eyes and sensed that the first entry alone revealed Daniel’s fear so well. He had been afraid he would forget his name and that alone made Jack feel sad. He stared at that entry for so long unable to turn the page or look away. Finally he carefully turned the now fragile page and gazed at the second entry: the names of his parents.
Shaking his head he realized just what Narayana had been warning him of. This was the first journal, the one where Daniel had written down who he was before his capture, the one where he had written down what he recalled of his young life before it was so abruptly altered. As Jack gazed at the names of Daniel’s parents written so perfectly on that page surrounded with little hearts and things that only a young boy could have drawn Jack found himself wondering if Daniel still remembered anything he had recorded in this particular volume. Did he remember who his parents were, who he had been, where he had lived, what his favorite thing was? Did Daniel remember all that he had written in these pages or had those precious tiny little facts been lost to him in his unwilling journey into the dark reality of indentured servitude?
Shaking his head again Jack turned the page and swallowed past the lump now formed in his throat as his gaze settled on the picture fastened there: a man and a woman who held between them a young boy of about eight. Jack had no doubt in his mind just who those people were in the photo and as he gazed at the unique scrawl under the photograph he had a sneaking suspicion that Narayana had been the one to label this particular picture:
Daniel with his parents
“Ah Daniel…”
Shaking his head he carefully closed the precious aged
volume and drew it to him aware of just how important and valuable this
particular journal must be to Daniel. He was also certain that the single
picture fastened on the third page was probably the only photograph Daniel had
of his parents and himself. He wondered how the photograph survived through the
years. Daniel must have had it in his possession when he was sold to Mara, but
how it slipped through Mara’s fingers to be preserved after all those years had
him wondering… He suspected that Narayana had something to do with the
acquisition and preservation of that particular photo and was once again
reminded of just how much Daniel meant to the
He sighed heavily before gazing at the cover of the journal once more. In this book was a part of Daniel and he had been willing to share it with him.
* *
Traversing
He went searching for Daniel after that finding him alone on the back porch gazing at the starry sky above. He quietly approached before softly inquiring, “Are you cold, Daniel?”
“No. No. I’m just…”
He turned to focus on Jack gazing at him noting the sadness in his gaze. He offered a small smile when he saw what Jack held in his hands.
“He gave you the first volume.”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“Daniel…”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t… I… It’s very difficult for me, Jack, to share my…my early life with you. I was very confused back then. Confused, scared, uncertain, terrified actually…I wasn’t sure…of anything really. I…”
“I know.”
“How far did you get, Jack?”
“Um not far, not yet.”
“Where did you stop?”
“The photo.”
Daniel smiled then before commenting, “It’s the only thing I managed to hold onto after…after they were killed. I kept it hidden, guarded it so closely. No one…no one knew of its existence. It was the only thing I was able to salvage and I cherish it, Jack.”
“You look happy…in the photo I mean. How old were you?”
“Eight, I was eight…that was taken shortly before they… I lost them, lost myself after that. Narayana, when he found it I was so afraid. I begged him, Jack, I begged him not to destroy it. I think that was the first time I actually cried after my capture. I was deathly afraid of Narayana when I had first met him. He was intimidating to me. I just…I was afraid and when he discovered that picture I was certain he would destroy it before me.”
“But he didn’t.”
“No. No he didn’t.”
“What did he do?”
“I was in tears, Jack. I was desperate. I was devastated. I pleaded and I begged he…”
“What, Daniel, he what?”
“He approached me, wrapped his arms around me tightly and hugged me. He told me to calm down and to relax then he began to slowly rock me. He held me like my parents used to when I was afraid or scared. After I calmed he asked me about them. I…I wanted to answer, but I was afraid of what he’d do once he, once I told him who they were. I asked him again not to take it, not to destroy it and he assured me he wouldn’t. He held me after that for, oh I don’t know how long. I think…I think that’s what drew us together. He…he’s been with me ever since.”
“So he’s always protected you, kept you safe, watched over you, been there for you?”
“Yes. He’s the father I lost, Jack, without him… I don’t even want to think about what my life would have been like without him. I needed him. I need him. I know that sounds strange, odd to you but he’s…he’s always, he’s…”
“He raised you.”
“Yes he did. I…Mara always wanted to turn me into a puppet for him, someone, something, he could always control. He wanted me fully dependent on him for everything. Narayana wanted me to grow on my own. He nurtured me. He encouraged me to think freely, think on my own, think for myself. He wanted me to know, to have a taste of what freedom was, what freedom is and he always fostered that in me. He always urged me to be independent and he helped me, showed me if you would, how to erect or rather perfect a mask of full complacency. He knew if Mara saw my will, my strength, my spirit he would crush it so Narayana silently fed it, fueled it, fueled me and taught me how to portray one thing when feeling another. If I couldn’t conceal it Narayana always got me quickly out of the sight of others, so Mara never saw my anger and rage, my defiance, my hatred of him...”
“So you owe Narayana a lot then.”
“I owe him my life, Jack.”
“Tell me about him.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Was he always kind to you?”
“He never hurt me if that’s what you mean.”
“In the beginning…”
“In the beginning he ordered me around often, but it wasn’t what you’re thinking.”
“Then what was it?”
“When I first began my training I was…sloppy. When I first arrived at Mara’s estate I was untrained, wild, untamed… I would fight and resist. Narayana would order me to stop, to be silent, to not speak to Mara directly unless spoken to. He warned me of what could happen if I resisted, if I fought, if I attempted escape and upon return after my escapes he was always there watching me. I would become so alone and he’d stay with me. He wouldn’t speak, but he wouldn’t leave either. It was as if he knew I needed someone. When I would be punished he was always nearby and upon being told I could be tended to Narayana was always the first to run to my side and tend my injuries. I was afraid of him, yet he was always there for me. I would try to anger him sometimes to chase him away, but always he would return, always.”
“I’m glad you had someone, Daniel.”
A whimsical smile crossed Daniel’s face as he gazed at Jack before inviting him to join him.
Jack settled beside him before Daniel turned and gazed at the darkened sky once again, his face in profile. He caught his breath as he watched Daniel. Several moments later he broke the silence with, “What were you thinking before I came out here?”
Without turning Daniel answered, “The sky is so different here. The stars are so different. I like it.”
“You like it?”
“Yes I do, very much.”
Jack smiled before turning and tugging him gently into his arms. Daniel slid easily into place before leaning against Jack whose arms gently wrapped around him. Sighing in contentment Daniel let his head drift back against Jack allowing him to simply hold him close.
Smiling softly Daniel added, “My life was never easy, Jack, and some things you read will anger you, but please don’t let that stop you. I want you to know I just… I just don’t know how to tell you myself.”
“Thank you, Daniel, for… Thank you.”
Daniel only nodded before relaxing further in Jack’s embrace.
* * * *
SECRETS REVEALED
Baring Witness
“Why do you tolerate it?”
“Tolerate what?”
“His abuse of you…”
Many have asked me that very
question. Why? Why do I tolerate it? Why do I allow My Master to abuse me? The answer
is simple though many don’t really want to know it or hear any reason for my
acceptance of it. The answer is because I have no choice. If My Master feels I
need to be punished he will deliver it without a second thought, and I must
submit to it. I have no choice but to
submit.
Some have tried to argue with
me, to tell me I should fight back. Some have even demanded of me why I never
have even when I grew from a boy into a man. Why, they ask, why do I tolerate
it? Why do I allow it? I could resist. I could fight. I could run…
What they don’t realize is even
though I could possibly overpower him I would never resist him. Why? Because I
fear him and that fear is deeply ingrained in me. I have grown up serving him.
My entire life has been spent obeying him and serving him. Any time I fought or
attempted to resist he countered with horrible punishments and restrictions. I
learned quickly…but even after I had learned I still dared on occasion to
resist him and always he countered with uncontrolled rage and violence.
The last time I dared to fight
him it took me a month to fully recover and though I hurt, though I was in pain
and he had the ability to heal me he chose to make me suffer. Once he felt I
had served his sentence adequately it was then that he healed me. Most of the
time he heals me within hours or heals some of the worst injuries, however,
there are also many times when I have laid before him on the floor unable to
move due to a severe break to a leg or arm bone. He leaves me lay there sometimes
for hours before he finds enough mercy in his black soul to use the healing
device to repair the damage he has instilled.
When you’re forced to remain
where you have collapsed feeling your leg or arm swelling, growing cold and
aching, trying to move yet unable to because you have suffered a broken or
fractured bone you quickly learn your lesson. A break is a very painful injury
and the fear it stirs within you is enough to thoroughly terrify you,
especially when you realize you’re lying at your Master’s feet unable to move
and dependent on him to help you, while knowing he won’t tend to you until he decides it is time.
When you know you’re not alone
and that you need help to move, when you know the one who stands there has the
ability to heal you but refuses to then you remember again just whom you’re
reliant on. When you realize your master has the power to destroy you or leave
you if he so chooses any thought of resisting and fighting him all but vanishes
from your mind. When the one you’re reliant on chooses to leave the room and
lock the door behind him refusing to permit anyone to tend to you again you are
reminded of what you are. Those moments terrify you when you find yourself all
alone in a room bloody, beaten, unable to move due to a broken leg, all avenues
of aid and help cut off from you, while your calls for help go ignored it is
then that you know, that you realize, that you remember on whom you rely.
Broken bones that go unattended
only continue to swell and soon fever sets in, yet still you remain alone
suffering silently as you remain imprisoned in a room that only your master
knows of…those are memories I’ll never forget, moments when after spending what
seemed like hours in that room alone suffering unable to move your master
returns only to lower beside you and taunt you requesting that you must beg
forgiveness before you will be tended and healed. Those are the moments, the
times when you feel most exposed, most vulnerable. Those are the times when you
realize again your life is not your own, that your pain and suffering means
nothing, that you mean nothing for
objects are merely seen and not heard. Those are some of the most terrifying
moments of my life, and it amazes me how many people have asked why I don’t
fight back. If they only knew the truth I doubt they would ever question again.
He was shocked by that entry. Swallowing hard he could only shake his head feeling his heart breaking as he envisioned a young Daniel calling out for help, unable to move due to having a broken leg only to be visited by a master who demanded he beg for forgiveness before healing him.
As the door opened he tensed and quickly glanced up. Within moments Narayana was at his side asking him what was wrong before his eyes took in the journal. When he saw it he could only sigh before softly inquiring, “Jack? Jack, are you all right? Jack?”
Staring blankly ahead he swallowed hard before croaking out, “He broke his leg and refused to tend to him. Why? Why, Narayana?”
Lowering his gaze momentarily he hesitated before returning it to answer, “It was not uncommon in the beginning for Mara to abuse Daniel. He would punish him for refusal to comply, for arguing, for daring to step above his station, for daring to demonstrate that he was more than property. Those first years were incredibly hard for him. He suffered much until his lessons were ingrained deeply within him.”
“But Narayana this, he…this is a newer journal. He wrote this when he was no longer a boy, and I sense it was written right after…”
“Many of the things that happened to him in those first few years he could not speak of until he was much older. Some things he has even blocked from his mind.”
“But that doesn’t explain… I mean he… When did this incident take place?”
“There have been numerous incidents such as that throughout his lifetime, for he became quite rebellious at times. He didn’t like his status and would sometimes test Mara, even after he knew and understood his place. Mara countered with cruelty and harsh discipline. Daniel has suffered much under Mara’s rule and would often find himself at his mercy.”
“Did he…? Was he always at the mercy of…?”
“Yes. Sometimes, sometimes Mara would punish him for things beyond his control. He would vent his anger and frustration, taking it out solely on Daniel because Daniel was convenient. It was at those times that Daniel suffered the most.”
“Why?”
“Because Mara had no control and Daniel’s purpose was, has always been to be pleasing to all even if that required he be beaten by his master because he simply needed someone to take his anger out on, someone to blame.”
“I thought most of the abuse happened after I came into his life.”
“The abuse increased when you were captured. It never really stopped completely. It lessened. When Daniel was first captured he was left alone for the most part. The only time he was punished was when he refused to eat and after he escaped. Mara barely gave him a passing glance in those early days. True he purchased him for his beauty and desired even then to make him his most favored, but when Daniel refused him he chose to imprison him and forget him. Mara didn’t really notice Daniel again until after he survived the gauntlet and healed. It was then that he began shaping Daniel into what he had wanted all along.”
“His slave…”
“Yes. His slave, his Lotar, his consort…”
“Wait! I thought you said…I mean he said he didn’t, that he wasn’t made to sleep with Mara until he was in his early twenties…”
“He decided Daniel’s fate many years before that. As Daniel grew he was trained and Mara’s plan was to make him his consort, but the training in that area was not started until he was considered old enough.”
“And how old was old enough, Narayana?”
“When he turned eighteen years of age…”
“Eighteen?”
“Yes. After that he was made to serve his master in all areas.”
“Including the bed chamber?”
“Yes, Jack, including the bed chamber.”
“Was he…did he, um where did he sleep when he was, I mean…?”
“He was not granted his own rooms until he was required to serve all in the bed chamber. After that he would sleep there, but any time his master required ‘company’ Daniel was expected to serve him without question.”
“And how often was he…required to serve his master in the bed chamber?”
“More often than you realize, Jack.”
“More often than…did he still serve him after I was captured?”
“Yes.”
Jack opened his mouth to speak but closed it again surprise evident on his face. Narayana spoke again, “It was not by choice he served his master in the bed chamber, Jack. It was a requirement. It was expected and he had to submit completely, for Mara desired a submissive partner when being pleased.”
“I um…he… Is that part of the reason he wanted me to read these because he couldn’t tell me…”
“Yes, Jack. There are many things he is unable to speak of. Many of those things he wants to share with you, but anytime he has tried he finds he cannot so he found a way to do so without having to tell you himself. Do not judge him based on what you read. The reason he has gifted you with insight into him, by permitting you to read his private thoughts is because he desires to become closer to you not push you away. Please do not hold what you read in his journals against him. Please Jack.”
“I won’t. I’m just…I’m surprised by this. I never realized that he served Mara in…but I suppose that would make sense. I just never allowed myself to think about it.”
“To do so is very difficult for you.”
“Yes.”
“It is understandable.”
Nodding Jack hesitantly asked, “What…what did he do when he was…?”
“Exactly what you believe he did.”
Swallowing hard he squeezed his eyes tightly shut as he muttered a quiet, “Ah Daniel,” before inclining his head and leaving the room.
Narayana watched him go certain that Jack was seeking quiet solitude to contemplate what had just been revealed to him and to find a way to accept it, deal with it and move on.
* * * *
THE WINDS OF CHANGE
Anila Waits
He watched for several moments debating whether to approach or stay where he was. He was caught in indecision feeling nervous and anxious at the same time. Jack was reading another of his journals, which one he wasn’t certain but whichever one it was Jack was sure focused on it for he heard nothing else in the room. As Jack turned the page his decision was made. He’d join him and they could read some of the passages together. After all they had a lot to talk about and avoiding Jack was not the way to do that, so softly sighing Daniel began to move. He quietly entered the living room asking but already knowing, “What are you doing, Jack?”
His head flew up and he quickly closed the book in his lap. Daniel approached settling beside him, placing a hand over the one on the book and gently grasping it. Softening his voice he said, “It’s okay, Jack, I want you to read it. I know you’re reading them. You don’t have to hide it from me.”
Jack swallowed hard nodding before glancing up as he said, “But…doesn’t this bother you at all?”
Well yes but…
“I can’t find the words to tell you. I…I try but some things I just…can’t tell you. Some things I want so badly to tell you and other things I…you need to hear, but I…this is all I had, Jack. These books you’re reading were my avenue to escape, to explore, to sort out my feelings and record my life. They’re very important to me…and you’re very important to me.”
“But…”
“This is what I want, Jack. It needs to be dealt with. We need to deal with this together. There is a lot you still don’t know about me and these books hold those answers. I want you to read them. I need you to read them. Now, where did you stop?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Daniel reached for the journal opening it to the page Jack still had marked with a finger and read the entry. He smiled before asking, “Have you read this entry yet?”
“No.”
Shifting the book half onto Jack’s lap so it settled between them Daniel urged, “Go ahead. Read it.”
“But Daniel…”
“Read it, Jack, please.”
“Oh…okay, Daniel, but…”
“Read it.”
Lowering his gaze Jack began to do as bid…
He is one of my many “clients”.
He visits me regularly and every time I look at him he surprises and confuses
me further. As I gaze into his eyes I see something rare there, something most
uncommon in my clients. As he asks me to dance for him I obey bowing my head as
I release a soft, “Yes My Lord” before I begin. I dance for him until he tells
me to stop. Then? Then he leans in and kisses me briefly on the cheek not on the
lips like those who desire so much more from me. Then he places in my hand two
wrapped items. One he tells me is my payment for my master the other he tells
me to keep for myself. He tells me that perhaps one day I will find what I seek
and then he disappears from the room. Quickly I slip what is for me under my
bed then I walk to the center of the room where I lower to my knees and sit,
head bowed, as I await the arrival of my master. He doesn’t make me wait long
approaching me he tells me I have done well and I shall serve his client again,
for he has asked for me. I await his next command placing my payment in his
outstretched hand. He opens the bag and smiles, “Twenty pieces of gold. You
have pleased him much, Sarameya.”
I try to conceal my shock at the
price he pays simply to see me dance for him and become certain that the next
time he will expect much more.
He was certain that the entry he had just read revolved around the elderly gentlemen he had seen paying Daniel a visit not long before they had made their escape. Shaking his head he reread the passage jumping when a familiar soft voice interrupted his thoughts with, “He never did, you know.”
Glancing up he looked at Daniel noticing that he was focused on the open entry before him and managed, “What Daniel?”
“He never expected more. He would visit me once a week and ask only that I dance for him. Then he would pay me twenty pieces of gold and hand me a gift. Then he would leave.”
“What was the gift?”
Daniel smiled softly answering, “Five pieces for me.”
“Gold?”
“Yes.”
“But why?”
“So that I could one day buy my freedom, Jack…”
“And?”
“I wasn’t allowed freedom, Jack. The price would never be high enough. Mara would have never allowed it.”
“So what did you do with it?”
“Narayana has it. I told him if I couldn’t use it then he should.”
“And do you think he kept it?”
“No. I know he did. He once told me what was mine would always be mine.”
“And you believe him?”
“I trust him, Jack.”
“And your client?”
“I told him I would never be free of Mara, that he wouldn’t allow it and I thanked him for it. I told him if he wanted it back it was here. He told me it was mine given as a gift and to keep it.”
“And did he still come to you?”
“Yes, you know he did.”
“And what did he do?”
“Asked me to dance for him…”
“Did he still give you a gift?”
“Yes.”
“And what was it?”
“Five pieces of gold… He always told me he was still hoping that I’d one day find freedom.”
“And then he left just like that?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Jack. It’s never made any kind of sense to me.”
“Were all your clients so generous?”
“No. No. Some were, some weren’t but he’s the only one to pay so much for so little.”
“Did you ever know who he was?”
“No. NO, though he did tell me once to call him Nick. He requested it, insisted that I not use the formal title of ‘My Lord’.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Jack.”
“Does Narayana know about him?”
“Yes he knew all of my clients. I imagine he researched the man too.”
“Why?”
“To make certain his intentions were honorable, to ensure that he would never harm me.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah…”
“So what were your other clients like?”
“You said you wouldn’t ask.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Some came for what you suspected, others didn’t, he was one who didn’t,” pausing only briefly Daniel hesitated a moment before asking, “You’re on the journal about him right?”
“Yes why?”
Daniel extended his hand as he urged, “Here.”
Jack extended the journal and watched as Daniel read the entry briefly before beginning to flip back further in the journal pausing at another entry. He read the page briefly before looking up and saying, “I know I requested you read all the entries in order…”
“But…?”
Daniel handed the journal back holding his hand on an open page Jack hadn’t yet read. He smiled nervously before urging, “Go on. Read it.”
“Daniel, are you sure?”
Daniel nervously licked his lips before nodding and saying, “It will answer a few of your questions. Go ahead.”
He gazed at Daniel in concern before Daniel offered a quiet imploring, “Please.”
He nodded before lowering his eyes to the newly opened page:
My “customers” each have names.
Some would think I’d desire to forget them all, forget their names, forget what
I do for them when commanded to serve them. Some would question why, why would
I desire to remember ANY of THAT?
Truth is, much as I hate to
accept it, they are a part of my life, and I want to remember my life. I want
to remember who I was, who I am, who I will be. I’m terrified of forgetting it
all. Once that happens I’ll become nothing,
for if one forgets their life they forget themselves. I won’t do that, so I
write it down. I write everything
down. I want to remember.
Some things I know I’ve blocked
out, some things I can recall but not in much detail. Other things I remember
crystal clear. Now? Now I record everything even things that seem unimportant
because everything even those unimportant things have in some way shaped and
influenced me to become who I now am.
My “customers” are each unique
in their own way. Some come strictly for the sex…most come strictly for sex but
others? They come for companionship. They too desire to bed me, but they make
it more personal. They want to know
me, to know about me and who I am.
They want intimacy that goes beyond a simple fuck. They want to figure me out
and instead of getting answers they become more curious. In the end they come
because they want to solve the puzzle that is me. Those are the ones who want
sex and talk in the beginning that eventually leads to a lot less carnal
pleasure and a lot more chatter. They make me feel relieved because in the end
I don’t have to tolerate their pawing or endure their fucking me into the
mattress, or try to deny how much I enjoy what they do to me while at the same
time feeling filthy and disgusted with myself for liking it so damned much.
They offer me a reprieve, however minor it might be. It’s enough though to
stave off my despair…at least temporarily.
There are others though, a whole
other breed of customer who likes to fuck and to dominate. They are the
dangerous ones. They are the ones My Master often warned me of in my trainings:
do not anger them pet, do not fight them,
do not speak unless they tell you to for they will beat you into compliance, do
not let me find that you have been beaten by one I have warned you to be
cautious around, sweet pet…
He hurts me now too, but at least
he had warned me of those who desire full domination. He, however, neglected to
warn me of those who will deliberately induce pain without being angered
because it feels good to them. No.
These are the ones I had heard of but never faced until I began to serve. They
like pain. They like to inflict it and have it inflicted upon them. So strange
that class of people, so very strange and it took me some time to understand
them. They create a balance between pleasure and pain that can make you feel
so…good. It’s strange those that like such a balance. They make me afraid, but
they are the most concerned of all, always wanting to know if I’m all right, if
I’m comfortable, if it’s too much, if it’s too little. They desire my pleasure
as much as I desire to give them pleasure in return. The pleasure isn’t one
sided with them, it’s never just about them.
No, they are as concerned for me as they are for themselves. It’s strange
really, but true. They are the ones that make me most curious.
And then there are the ones who
truly confuse me, and I can never figure out. They are few but some visit.
Those are the ones who desire neither pleasure nor pain only company. They make
small requests and pay favorably for them, for something as simple as a dance
or conversation. They will pay a high price for so little and never do they
expect nor demand more. They are a strange group indeed. They are a group I
will never understand. Perhaps someday I will…
But whether my customers desire
to hurt me or fuck me I still record them in my journals. I record my thoughts
of them, my suspicions about them, descriptions of them, names, dates,
places…things they’ve said, things they’ve done, things we’ve done… Whether
they are painful memories or pleasant ones I record them in my journal, every
last one of them, for I fear that one day when I finally forget them I will
also forget myself and that is far more terrifying than remembering them to me.
“Ah Daniel,” released Jack in a choked voice.
“Yeah, now you know why I’ve always held onto those journals with a death grip. Narayana he keeps them safe for me, always has, always will. He keeps my life safe for me. He holds my memories, my thoughts, my feelings in his hands, keeps them near him always. My most valuable possessions right next to this necklace.”
Jack gazed at the necklace knowing only very little about it. Clearing his throat he asked, “Who gave that to you?”
Daniel smiled softly before answering, “One of my customers.”
“And you kept it?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because…”
“Because?”
“Yes. He told me it was a gift because I had finally found love…in you, Jack.”
“The old man…?”
“Yes.”
“He… Wow.”
Daniel’s smile broadened as he continued, “That’s not the only reason it’s valuable to me though.”
“What other reasons…?”
“Perhaps someday I’ll be able to tell you.”
He opened his mouth only to close it again wanting to push, but respecting Daniel too much to pursue so he nodded before changing the subject slightly, “The journals…”
“Are my life, Jack, every part of it even those things I have long since forgotten. It’s all in there, every last thing: who I was, who I am, who I had to be…all of my hopes, all of my dreams, my fears, my pain, my happiness, my suffering, my memories…all of them Jack. They’re all in those precious little books you’ve been reading. My life is in those books. My greatest fear was that I would eventually lose myself…completely. When Narayana gave that first journal to me he gave me back my very life. He gave me a way to keep it safe, a way to be assured that I’d never truly become lost. Without them I’m nothing, Jack, without those memories, those experiences I’m nothing, a lot had to remain hidden, a lot had to be buried, kept safe before it blew away like ash.
He wanted me to forget. He wanted me to have no memory, no life before or after him. He wanted ALL of me, Jack, and those journals? I fought him and I won because though I became what he wanted, obeyed without question, accepted everything he bestowed upon me even the horrific beatings I still held one thing he could never, would never take away, one tiny little secret that assured I would always have the upper hand no matter how small of one it was. I had my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my experiences…I had it all and he had no idea. Had he known I’ve no doubt he would’ve burned them all before me because he would have realized their significance and had he done that I would’ve truly become lost, Jack, because those journals are my life. They hold my life in them.
My life is an open book to those who dare to look, but no one will ever get that chance, no one, no one that is but Narayana…and you. The journals? They were given as a gift, a simple gift that became so very important to me, a gift from the heart given to a scared, terrified teenager by the man he would eventually come to view as the father he had at one time lost.”
“Wow that’s…wow.”
Daniel’s smile broadened and he sighed in pleasure as Jack drew him against him giving him a squeeze before carefully closing the book in their laps. He turned then and pressed a soft kiss to Daniel’s lips smiling when the man reacted by leaning in towards him. As their bodies connected pleasant chills flooded him like a shockwave forcing him to draw back panting as he gazed into Daniel’s eyes. When Daniel offered him a questioning gaze Jack informed, “I’m heading up to take a shower.”
“Jack…”
Seeing the puzzled, hurt confusion in Daniel’s eyes at his response Jack reached up to gently cup his face before softening his voice as he said, “I don’t want to move too fast for you, Daniel, and if I stay here and kiss you like that again I’ll melt. I want to…I want you so badly, but not until you’re ready for me, Daniel, not until you’re ready.”
“What if I am, Jack?”
Shaking his head he answered, “You’re not. It’s too soon for both of us, and you know it.”
A soft pout spread across luscious lips and Jack found himself groaning as he responded so readily to it. Shifting he continued, “Don’t push this Daniel. We have a lifetime and I’m willing to wait for you forever.”
“Forever Jack?”
“Forever and ever, Daniel…”
Releasing a frustrated sigh Daniel nodded saying, “Okay, okay Jack. I know you’re right about this. It’s just that…”
“I understand, love, more than you know. Now I’m going to head upstairs. Come and join me when, if you’re ready okay?”
“Okay, Jack. I will.”
Jack placed a tender kiss to Daniel’s forehead before smiling broader and saying, “See you soon.”
Daniel returned the smile nodding before replying, “Jack?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks, thank you for…for being so patient and so…just thank you.”
“Anytime, Daniel…”
He nodded watching as Jack left the room feeling warm and loved. Upon hearing Jack reaching the top of the steps he headed to the porch to sit for a bit.
* *
After Jack left the room Daniel walked outside carefully fingering the necklace he wore. Jack knew of it, but he never explained why he wore it. As he settled on the back porch he lowered into a chair and tipped his head back to gaze at the darkening sky above before closing his eyes as the memory of that day returned to him,
“Hello Sarameya.”
“Welcome My… Nick.”
“I have heard that you
may have found love.”
He paled considerably before
managing, “What…whatever do you mean?”
“Not to worry. You’re
secret it is safe with me. Now I desire to see you dance.”
He complied slowly
dancing until he was finished. The man smiled then gave to him two wrapped
packages. Daniel graciously accepted them and began to lower. Nick stopped him
and said, “I have waited for some time to give you this gift. When Narayana
confirmed you were in love I knew it was time.”
“No. You don’t need to
give me anything else. You’ve given me so much already. I couldn’t possibly
accept more.”
“Hush this is a
special gift from me to you. Now please open it before me.”
He inclined his head
before doing as bid. When he opened the package he gasped and drew the necklace
across his hand gazing at the object dangling from it.
Nick continued, “I
know you are not permitted such things, but I also know that Narayana keeps
things for you. This I wanted you to have as a special gift between you and I.”
Daniel said nothing
gazing at the necklace finding his mind being bombarded suddenly with images.
He was unaware that a tear had found its way down his cheek until Nick gently
brushed it away and said, “You are pleased.”
“Hmm…? Yes, yes, I…
Thank you. It’s, it’s very special.”
“You have seen such a
necklace before?”
“Once yes.”
“May I ask…?”
“It was my mother’s.
Her father gave it to her, or so she said. She never took it off. She used to
tell me about him. He traveled a lot and he always brought her unique gifts.
This…a necklace like this he told her was for protection, to protect her and
her family.”
“And now it shall
protect her son.”
Daniel looked up and
focused intently on the man. He then smiled softly before again uttering a soft
quiet, “Thank you. It means a lot to me.”
“Sarameya if I might
ask whatever happened to your mother?”
“She was…killed. They
were both killed for their beliefs. I was there. I… They stole me away after
that. I’ve not been home since. This place…this is my home now.”
“But what of your former
home?”
“I can never return,
for My Master would never allow it.”
“Ah but you are in
love perhaps he will help you to get away?”
“Yes I believe he
would, if he could, but it’s not that easy.”
“Some things are never
easy. If you don’t mind me asking what was your mother’s name?”
“Claire, her name, it
was Claire.”
“Ah a beautiful name.”
“Yes.”
“Do you remember her?”
“She died when I was
only eight. I…I remember images mainly, and feelings, emotions, her smile… I
know she loved me. I…I miss her.”
Nick smiled before
saying, “I shall let you go. You hold onto that and think of your mother.”
“Yes. I will. Thank you.”
He had been surprised by the gift. It wasn’t expected. He didn’t expect to receive gifts. Several of his customers gave him things, but it always surprised him when they did. Most would usually just pay him for his services, and he would give the money directly to his master. He wasn’t given any of it, and he really didn’t want it either. Money wasn’t important to him, for he knew he could have all the money in the world but he would still be a slave. Slaves had no real use for money unless they were certain they could completely break away from their master and owner. He was not so fortunate, for how did one escape a master who could track you anywhere you went?
He had been very lucky though. Had they not found Carson Beckett he would already be back under Mara’s control, and if that ever happened he’d never get another chance to escape again.
* *
After speaking with Daniel about the odd customer who only desired to see him dance, Jack sought out Narayana. When he located him he spoke without hesitation quickly muttering, “Narayana, what can you tell me about Nick?”
Narayana turned to gaze at Jack surprised by the request, swallowing hard before asking, “Where have you heard such a name?”
“Daniel told me about him.”
Nodding Narayana continued, “And what has he told you?”
A puzzled expression graced Jack’s face next as suspicion began to stir. Narayana seemed to know something. He seemed to be hiding something, but what? Silencing his thoughts he answered, “What he did when he visited. He never harmed Daniel, did he?”
Relief was next to filter in as he responded with, “No. No he did not.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because Nick was…special, his only concern was for Daniel. He did not desire anything more than to help him gain his freedom.”
“But how can you…how do you know?”
“Trust me, Jack. His reasons were honorable.”
“But who was he and why did he pay so much…?”
“He was someone who desired to free Daniel from slavery.”
“But why? I mean what motive…?”
“Because he cared, Jack, he cares for Daniel more than Daniel will ever know.”
“But why does he care? Did he…?”
Shaking his head he asked a question of his own, “Have you ever desired to help someone, Jack?”
“Well yes, you know…”
“And what was your motive for wanting to do so?”
“Well because I could and…”
“And…?”
Jack nodded.
Narayana continued, “Why is it so difficult for you to accept that others may feel as you do and desire only to help?”
“It… I… I see what you mean.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
Silence fell between them for a span of a few moments before Narayana stated, “Nick wanted to help Daniel find freedom. He wanted that very much.”
“But doesn’t that seem strange I mean…?”
“Strange that there are indeed compassionate humans in the universe…? No.”
“Well when you put it that way, um…,” shaking his head he found himself asking the same question again despite what they had just discussed, “But why?”
“You have an answer.”
Jack felt suddenly suspicious again but couldn’t understand why, which prompted him to ask, “Did you know him?”
Narayana gazed intently at him before offering, “I sought answers. Those he would not provide I researched. His intentions were purely honorable, Jack. His only desire was to help Daniel obtain his freedom from slavery.”
“So he was a sort of friend?”
“Yes. He was opposed to slavery, but disguised it well. He did whatever he could to help Daniel, whenever he could.”
He opened his mouth prepared to ask another question when Narayana glared at him, a warning glance to leave the discussion be. Nodding he thanked him before leaving the room still wondering about the client whose only desire had been to watch Daniel dance, and why Narayana seemed so unwilling to talk about him.
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