Daniel Jackson 

 

 

                                                                                         Personal Sacrifice Part 11

                                                                                                                                                  By:  Stacy L.

 

 

HAUNTING MEMORIES

Struggling to Feel Safe Again

 

Daniel remained sitting in the bath his arms wrapped around his body, his legs pulled up to his chest and his head lowered as he recalled the attack again. He closed his eyes wishing that he could block those memories for good. He had been truly afraid and very certain that had Zeenan not showed up when he did he would've been raped...even with the chastity belt on. He remembered now that he still wore the belt on that day but there were other ways to rape someone besides anally. He shuddered as he recalled that day again in vivid clarity. Why couldn't he get those memories out of his mind? Why did that attack haunt him? Why didn't he have nightmares about Osiris' rapes? What the hell was the difference between the two attackers? He was certain that several different factors contributed to that particular oddity. For one, Osiris never physically attacked him or pinned him to the ground. He liked rough sex occasionally but he didn't try to overpower. Second, Osiris resided in his ex-girlfriend and ex-lover. Third, Osiris didn't seem as threatening and menacing as that servant or Dionysus...there were many factors that could possibly explain the difference but he still remained perplexed. As he felt the shudders continue to travel through his body he became aware of just how much he needed comfort. He needed comfort, concern, care...he needed someone to be there to help ease the pain, help him deal with the attack. He needed someone he could trust and someone who would listen. He needed Jack.

 

As he thought of Jack his heart nearly broke. God...Jack. He missed that man so much it hurt. He started to rock slowly back and forth on his haunches keeping his eyes buried in the haven of his bent knees. He knew that he shouldn't remain in the bath too long for Osiris just might get the urge to join him and right now he couldn't handle sex with the creature. He needed time to himself, time to sort out his emotions and feelings, time to come to terms with the fact that not long ago he had nearly been raped. Hell his body still ached from the kicks that had been delivered to his sides and stomach. He was healing nicely physically but mentally was another situation all together.

 

He heard movement in the room and felt his heart rate speed up. Oh God please let that not be Osiris. Please! He listened carefully knowing that someone was there but refusing to look up. When the person made no attempts to move towards him or exit the room he was certain that his unannounced visitor was either My'la or Zeenan. If he had to hazard a guess he would say Zeenan for the Jaffa warrior refused to let him wander out of his sight for very long and was keeping a very close eye on him...close enough to be there if he needed help or protection but far enough not to be too invasive or aggressive. He continued to rock slowly back and forth trying to calm himself and trying desperately to block the memories of that night.

 

He lost track of just how long he remained sitting curled up rocking slowly back and forth. He forgot he was no longer alone until the person exited the room as quietly as he had arrived, but still even knowing that he was once again alone he remained where he was not wanting to leave the bath and the small bit of solace he had found just yet.

 

Zeenan approached the throne room. He entered then approached Osiris bowing before him. He spoke softly, "My Lord."

 

"Zeenan, how are you my friend?"

 

"I am well, My Lord."

 

"Have you seen my favored?"

 

"Yes My Lord."

 

"Where is he?"

 

Zeenan lowered his gaze knowing that when he informed Osiris of Daniel's location his lord would become upset. Ever since leaving Dionysus' planet Osiris had been feeling extremely guilty for turning his back on his favored and allowing himself to be distracted long enough for the attempted abduction to occur. He knew that Daniel started to flee to the bath in the evenings to get some time to himself and he knew that Daniel would flee to the view port as well. Those were the two places where Daniel found refuge aboard Osiris' ship. When Osiris had discovered just how important those two places were to his favored he made it a point to order Daniel be left alone when in those two areas. He sensed that Daniel needed some time to get over what had happened and had hoped that coping with the events wouldn't take a lot of time. His concern for his favored was what kept him from invading Daniel's personal time as well.

 

Osiris watched Zeenan sensing the answer before he spoke. Daniel was either in the bath or at the view port. He was still saddened by the fact that he knew Daniel was hurting yet had no way of helping him. How could he cheer Daniel up or help him to forget about what had occurred? He heard the faintest whisper in his mind and smiled slightly as Sarah spoke, 'You should take the book to him.'

 

"How do you know about that?"

 

'How could I not? We share the same body, My Lord.'

 

"Sarah, you do not have to address me as your lord. You may use my name."

 

'Yes, My...Osiris.'

 

"What am I to do? He is hurting yet he will not open up to me. He will not speak of what has happened and he will not share his emotions with another."

 

'That is why you should take him the book.'

 

"I do not believe it is the right time..."

 

'You worry that he will reject such a gift? My Lord, I assure you that Daniel will not reject it. I believe he needs it. Give him the book.'

 

"Tell me, Sarah, how can a book filled with blank pages possibly be considered a gift?"

 

'It is what he requested but was certain you would not give. Give it to him.'

 

"I do not know if I should. Perhaps there are other gifts I can acquire for him."

 

'Yes, there are many others you can acquire but this is the one he spoke of first. Why are you so afraid to give him the book? Do you fear he will not want the gift?'

 

"It is not the right time."

 

'It is the right time.'

 

Osiris glanced up as Zeenan spoke realizing suddenly that he had failed to pay attention to his First Prime because he had been speaking with Sarah. He questioned, "Where is Daniel now?"

 

"My Lord, he is in the bathhouse again."

 

"How is he?"

 

Zeenan again glanced away before continuing, "He still sits and rocks. He is curled up into a tight ball. He has again drawn his knees to his chest and has compacted himself."

 

"Zeenan, what can I do to help him?"

 

Sarah whispered, 'Give him the book...'

 

Osiris acted as if he had not heard her as he focused intently on his First Prime. Zeenan looked as worried and concerned as he felt. Zeenan continued, "I still believe that he needs his space, My Lord, but he also needs to feel safe again. He will need you to be patient and understanding while he attempts to deal with what has occurred."

 

"Zeenan, I am going to go visit him..."

 

"I am not certain that is a good idea, My Lord."

 

"I believe that he will appreciate this visit."

 

"Do not pressure him for sexual favors. He is not yet ready..."

 

"I understand that already, Zeenan."

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

"I shall retire for the evening."

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

Osiris rose from his throne then dismissed Zeenan before heading to his bedchamber to retrieve the book Sarah was insistently urging him to give to Daniel. He focused on it marveling at what was so intriguing about a book with blank pages inside. Sarah had attempted to explain what the book was for but he still couldn't exactly comprehend why the Tau'ri had such things. He ran his fingers across the white-gold cover uncertain of whether or not he should give it to Daniel. He tucked it away then turned to visit his favored.

 

Daniel continued to rock back and forth struggling to block out those memories that refused to abate. He felt so alone, so afraid and so uncertain. He needed Jack. He needed help to get through this. He could feel the coolness of the water surrounding him realizing by the temperature that quite some time obviously lapsed. He was probably as wrinkled as an old prune by now but he didn't care. He needed to find a way to deal with the recent events in his life. He tensed again as he heard someone enter the room. He listened carefully for them to leave or stop but the person continued to walk towards him. Their feet were so quiet across the floor that he was certain they were probably wearing sandals or slippers. He didn't hear them stop until they were directly behind him. He jumped as a soft, warm hand touched his right shoulder. He still didn't look up already knowing who his visitor was. His suspicions were proved when a gravely voice sounded from behind him so soft that it was almost eerie, "Daniel, you have been in here for some time. When will you be getting out?"

 

He simply shrugged his shoulders refusing to look up, move or speak. He clenched his eyes shut as Sarah leaned forward slightly speaking close to his right ear, "Please come with me, my precious one."

 

He still didn't speak or acknowledge its presence. He listened as the voice continued, "I would like you to come with me. If you would like to return to the bath later then feel free to do so. My'la will warm the water for you should you desire to return...Daniel, please come with me."

 

He started to smile as Daniel slowly sat up uncurling his legs and lowering his arms to his sides. He still wasn't looking up but he was preparing to come. Osiris watched as he slowly turned and exited the bath.

 

He watched as Daniel stood up and shivered as the cold air struck his still wet skin. Osiris quickly wrapped a towel around him and dried him off before gently urging him to slip into his robe. As Daniel complied Osiris found himself smiling. He then spoke still in a soothing tone, "Come, my precious one, I have something for you."

 

Daniel slowly complied with Osiris. He didn't want to leave the solace of the bath but knew that Osiris would most likely not leave until he was out. Unlike previous times he allowed Osiris to dry him off then dress him in his robe. He also allowed the Goa'uld lord to guide him towards the bedchamber going quietly with him. He had no will to resist at the moment. He was so tired and burned out that he didn't think he could fight off the snake even if he wanted to.

 

He wondered what Osiris wanted now and as they entered the bedchamber he found himself halting at the entrance as thoughts filled his mind...oh God please don't let him want to be sexually satisfied...no! Not ready for that yet, not ready! He felt his anxiety increase and glanced briefly at the Goa'uld lord. When he focused on Sarah's face he didn't see lust what he saw was concern and worry. He started to relax and allowed her to continue guiding him into the room. He still had to be certain of what Osiris was expecting so he quietly asked, "What does My Lord wish his servant to do for him this night?"

 

Osiris watched Daniel's facial expressions and body language. He was certain that Daniel suspected he wanted sex. He could tell by looking at the man that he was far from ready for such activities. He softened his voice a bit further as he answered, "I want you to stand there as I retrieve the gift I have for you."

 

"Gift?"

 

Ah, Daniel was interested. Osiris could tell by the slight raising of his head that the man was intrigued. At least he didn't seem as depressed and upset as he was in the bathhouse. Osiris continued, "Yes, a gift."

 

"Why would you bother to give me a gift when I... I am sorry, My Lord, for questioning your decisions."

 

Osiris reached over pressing his pointer finger under Daniel's chin before gently pushing his head up so that he could see Daniel's eyes. He then spoke, "No. Do not apologize to me, my precious one."

 

"But My Lord..."

 

"No. I want you to feel free to speak what is on your mind, Daniel. I do not want you to feel the need to apologize to me every time you say something incorrectly."

 

"But..."

 

"You may speak freely in my presence, Daniel. That is my final decision on the issue. Do not apologize to me for speaking what you desire. Is that understood?"

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

"Good. Now what I want you to do is sit. Sit on our bed. Come, sit."

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

He sunk to the edge of the bed again feeling trepidation enter him...what if Osiris has decided he wanted sexual favors tonight after all? Oh God he couldn't do that. No. He just couldn't. He was so afraid that he would threaten to destroy another planet again for if Osiris pressured him for sex tonight he would most definitely have to deny his lord for he couldn't do it.

 

He silenced his worries watching Osiris intently as the Goa'uld lord approached the dresser beside the doorway and searched through it. He wondered what the snake was looking for. He remained silent, observing the snake from the bed where he sat.

 

Osiris pulled out the book uncertain about giving it to his servant. He heard Sarah encouraging him to do so again then turned and approached Daniel. He sat down beside Daniel holding the book against him in his left hand while reaching over to wrap his right hand around Daniel's now folded, interlocked hands on his lap. He continued, "Daniel, please look at me."

 

Daniel obeyed focusing on the Goa'uld lord feeling his anxiety continue to rise. Osiris gently squeezed his hands before continuing, "You do not need to worry about me requesting sexual favors from you, my precious servant..."

 

"I...I wasn't..."

 

"Yes, you are. Daniel, I know that it is too soon for you. I will not pressure you into it until some time has passed..."

 

"But...you said you...if I refused..."

 

"I shall give you two weeks before requesting any favors... May I emphasize the word requesting, Daniel. I shall request if you are ready that does not mean that I will ravage you because I need you. I will see if you are ready before I dare proceed. I will give you time to heal but do not believe that you can deny me for the next year. I will be patient but if I sense that you are merely using what has happened as an excuse so that you do not have to service me then I will carry out my threat. I expect you to please me again. Is that understood?"

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

"Very good...now as I told you a few moments ago I have a gift for you."

 

"My Lord..."

 

"Shh, just listen. This gift was not easy to locate for I have never really heard of such a thing before but Sarah has helped me to understand what you were speaking of."

 

"What I was speaking of? My Lord, I have never asked you for anything. I have never spoken of anything that I have wanted."

 

Osiris smiled and Daniel's breath caught for the smile was so like Sarah that he felt his heart rate speed up. Then he recalled Osiris' words only moments ago...Sarah has helped me to understand what you were speaking of...Sarah has helped me? That means that he's been communicating with...he closed his eyes as the realization of those words began to sink in. Osiris was obviously acknowledging that Sarah was still very much alive inside. He knew that Sarah was there for Osiris has been permitting her to visit him when pain and discomfort are extreme but he didn't realize until today that the snake has actually been communicating with her. He felt so much better as the knowledge was revealed to him. Sarah is alive...not only that but Osiris hasn't been suppressing her as much as he had feared. He could still help her. He focused on Osiris again as the Goa'uld lord continued, "I was uncertain as to whether you would accept my gift to you or not. I will understand if you do not want to accept it...I..."

 

Daniel watched the snake noticing how uncomfortable and uncertain he appeared to be. What was this? The overconfident Goa'uld was feeling uncertain? What was going on? He shook his head in surprise stopping when Osiris focused on his face. Osiris continued, "This is my gift to you, my precious one. I hope that you will enjoy it and that you will use it."

 

Without any further comments Osiris held out a box to Daniel. Daniel stared at it for the longest time hesitant to accept it, but then he reached out and gently grasped the box in his hands. He sat it in his lap looking at it for what seemed like hours sensing that Osiris was watching him intently and expectedly waiting for him to open the present, nervous about how he would react. Daniel swallowed hard unsure of what the Goa'uld lord would have spent the time getting for him. He slowly lifted the lid off of the box and pushed aside what looked like tissue paper. As his eyes fell to the bound book inside he felt his breath hitch in his throat. Osiris had given him a...as he opened the book he couldn't speak. He was shocked by the gift the system lord had just given him. He heard Osiris shifting on the bed and breathing shakily...the snake was nervous and uncertain? Boy did that ever shock the hell out of him.

 

Daniel closed the book running his hands caressingly across the cover still surprised at what the system lord gave him. He heard Osiris speak softly as he gestured to the left hand side of the box and said, "There...there are...writing implements...I believe Sarah called them...pens? Ink pens...or was it pencils... I do not recall...there are several so that you may record..."

 

Daniel looked up at Osiris and provided the Goa'uld lord with a smile. He then said, "Um...thank...thank you...very much..."

 

"Sarah said that...that you would keep...exped...exped...Sarah what do you call them?"

 

'Expedition journals...'

 

"Yes, thank you...expedition journals during your..."

 

'Digs...'

 

"Yes, digs...during your digs and explorations. You...you told me...you...you said that you would like a..."

 

'Journal...'

 

"Yes, thank you Sarah...journal to record your experiences in...you did not sound serious but I was certain that you were concealing your desire to request one for fear that I would deny you...I hope my gift to you does not upset you further."

 

Daniel shook his head in denial before speaking, "No, no. Thank you. Really. I do appreciate the gift. You don't realize what this means to me...I...thank you, My Lord, for the gift."

 

"You...you are not upset?"

 

"No. I...growing up...I...I didn't have...much...but I always had...books...journals to record my life in...I...I still keep expedition journals...I keep one on every mission I take with SG-1...every mission I took...and...just...thank you. Thank you very much, My Lord."

 

Osiris noticed the smile on Daniel's face and was certain that the simple gift made his servant very happy. He smiled in return glad that Daniel was actually smiling. He hadn't seen a genuine smile from Daniel in many weeks, especially after destroying Alandria but knowing that the simple gift returned that beautiful smile to his servant's face made Osiris extremely happy. He continued, "I am glad that you like the gift, my precious one."

 

Daniel only nodded his head still staring in awe at the gift he was given. He didn't know how to react. It was a simple journal yet to him it meant so much. This was what he needed...he had wanted for so long...a simple book full of empty pages that he could fill. He spoke softly as he said, "My...My Lord...I have...one other...one request if I may..."

 

"Yes, my precious?"

 

"If...if anything ever...happens to me...could you...? Never mind...it is wrong of me to ask for such trivial things. Thank you, My Lord for the gift."

 

Osiris reached up and pressed his right hand against the left side of Daniel's face gently stroking his hair before saying, "I will see to it that he is given the book. I promise you, my precious one."

 

Daniel jerked his head up staring at the Goa'uld in a mix of shock and surprise. Could Osiris really know what he wanted to ask? Surely not...no. How could Osiris understand what he wanted to ask? He shook his head and closed his eyes before quietly requesting, "My Lord, may I please return to the bath?"

 

"Daniel, how can I help you through this? I know that you are hurting but I do not know what I can do to help you."

 

Daniel spoke so softly that Osiris had to strain to hear him, "You've already helped me more than you know..."

 

Then Daniel was rising to his feet. He continued, "You may return to the bath. I will come check on you later."

 

"Thank you, My Lord."

 

He watched Daniel as he bowed before him then exited the room. As he glanced at the bed he smiled realizing that Daniel had drawn the book close to his chest and exited the room carrying the journal. He heard Sarah's voice, 'See I told you that this was the right time to present the gift to him.'

 

"Yes, you did. Thank you, Sarah."

 

'I believe the book will help him a lot. He needs a place to record his feelings and emotions. He keeps them guarded and locked up behind a wall. He has since he's arrived here. The journal should help to allow him to express himself as he needs to do.'

 

"I hope that you are right, Sarah."

 

'I am, My Lord.'

 

Osiris fell silent as he exited the bedchamber. He saw Zeenan and requested, "Please keep an eye on, Daniel. He is in the bathhouse again..."

 

"No, My Lord. He went to the view port..."

 

"For what purpose?"

 

"I do not know but I sense that it has something to do with the book he was clenching so closely to his body."

 

Osiris smiled when he heard that comment then Zeenan added, "You have done well this day, My Lord."

 

"Perhaps...time will tell."

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

Zeenan then left to keep an unobtrusive eye on Daniel. He sensed that Daniel might attempt something drastic and wanted to be there to stop him if he did so. When he came upon Daniel's favorite view port he noticed the man staring up at the stars. Daniel continued to do so for the longest time before lowering to the floor and placing the box Osiris had given him on his lap. Daniel glanced from the window to the journal and back again before carefully sliding the lid off of his gift. He watched Daniel lift the small book carefully out of the box then pick up one of the writing implements. He looked at it for the longest time before slowly opening the book and settling his gaze on a blank page. Could this be the answer that would help Daniel to deal with all that has happened to him recently? He hoped so, for Daniel was still very depressed and saddened.

 

Daniel settled on the floor glancing up at the view port again watching the stars as they hovered just beyond his reach outside of the ship, he then focused on the box in his hands still amazed that Osiris would give him a journal to write in. How did the Goa'uld lord know that he wanted one to record things in? How did the Goa'uld lord know that he wanted the journal given to Jack if anything happened to him while here? This is how he could speak to Jack and speak to his friends. This is how he could work through his problems and try to deal with what has been happening to him.

 

He stared down at the blank page for the longest time before picking up the pen and glancing again out the view port. He sat there for a few moments longer before uncapping the pen and pressing it to the page. He started to write unsure of whether he would be able to do so anymore. He was certain that the first page was going to be rather boring for he had no idea what to say all he knew was that he needed to write...to do something he had done at home. He began to write:

 

 

Journal Entry:

 

I'm at a loss for what to say. What can I say? What can I talk about?

I can't believe that he got this for me. A gift. A gift that I can use to

speak to those I love and to work through the problems and difficulties

I face. What should I start with? It's been so long since I've actually

done this and the words don't seem to be within reach. Isn't it funny?

Here I am a linguist who can speak over twenty different languages

fluently yet I have no idea what to even say...

 

Well... God this is hard. Why is this so hard for me? I feel like, I don't

know, I feel as if I'm not me any longer. Does that make any sense? I

have so much going on in my life yet I can't think of a thing to say. You

would probably like to hear about how my life has been over these last

few weeks...well, Jack, I can tell you this much...it's been extremely

difficult. So many things are different here...I'm expected to act a certain

way, speak a certain way, live a certain way. I'm not adjusting all that

well to life as a slave. I try...I try to survive, to live through each day

for you but it's just so hard, especially recently. I suppose you would

like to know what happened recently. I feel...lost...confused...tired. I'm

so tired, Jack. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so afraid, so

worried, so depressed...so...so confused. I can't keep doing this. I'm

losing myself here, Jack. Oh Osiris treats me well but...but

something has happened to me that is making life so hard to live...

Remind me someday to speak to you about Dio... Dio... Oh God I can't

even say his name...too many bad memories...bad thoughts. I'm sorry. I

can't.

 

Have you ever heard of the Greek god of wine, Jack?

He's...he... I met him...not long ago...evil, twisted, a snake...

Jack, he...he...aw, God this is so damned hard. My heart is aching. I can

feel the tension in my body. I sit here aboard Osiris' ship...I'm... I...

 

I can see you, Jack...there, out there in the stars, smiling. You haven't

changed much. You're looking good. How are Sam and Teal'c? I miss

them...I miss all of you. You see there is this spot, this place on Osiris'

ship I go to be closer to you. From my place on the floor it looks like a

big black triangle set in a gold trimmed wall, but in that triangle I see

you. I can see the sky from here, the stars and the blackness of space. This

is my special place. I love to look at the stars through that portal and think

of you. I don't know why I feel so much closer to you when I stare at that

small space but I do. In that window there are a thousand stars... more than

a thousand. I look out this view port and I feel like I'm with you...with all of

you. I know you're out there some place probably exploring another planet.

Maybe that's why I draw such comfort from that simple view port because I

know that you are out there on one of those stars...somewhere and  no longer

feel so alone, so lost and so confused. I need you, Jack. Will you ever come

for me? Please, come for me. Don't give up on me. I'm still here, Jack. I'm

still here and I still need you. I need you desperately. Please don't abandon

me Jack. Please don't give up on me.

 

Please...

 

 

End of Journal Entry

 

 

As he finished the journal entry he hung his head feeling the depth of his sorrow travel through his body. God he felt so alone here. He had no one to talk to, no one to share his memories with. He had no one. Oh Zeenan tried to be his friend, but he couldn't talk as freely with the Jaffa guard as he could with Teal'c and each time he looked at Zeenan he wasn't sure which emotion would dominate...happiness because he saw Teal'c in the man or sadness because he saw Teal'c in the man. He was so alone. He had no one, not a single person.

 

He drew his feet to his chest after tugging the journal against his body and wrapping his arms around it as if in a fierce hug. He held the journal close knowing that this simple book was his only way of being with his friends of speaking to them. He lowered his head and started to rock staring at the floor as he did so.

 

Zeenan watched from the shadows happy to see Daniel writing furiously across the pristine white pages of the journal his lord had given him. He saw many emotions play across that face as the man wrote. Then Daniel once again tugged the journal to him and curled in on himself. Zeenan had learned relatively quickly that curling inward on himself was Daniel's way of shielding himself and comforting himself, especially when he had nothing to hold onto. The movement was a defense mechanism that Zeenan had seen too much of recently.

 

Again he felt his anger rise. He had been too late to prevent the assault on Daniel. He had been so damned angry, certain that Daniel had escaped again only to discover that he had been abducted right from beneath their noses. He still felt guilty for exposing Daniel to such brutality. How could he have been so blind? He had felt very uncomfortable before even meeting Dionysus yet he still failed to protect Daniel Jackson. He was such a fool. Daniel was hurting so much partly due to his own ineptness...how could he have not realized that Daniel was in danger? Why had he jumped to the automatic conclusion that Daniel had run once again from Osiris? Why hadn't he realized that Daniel was in extreme danger? Why? He would never be able to forgive himself for neglecting to protect Daniel but he could vow never to let the man out of his sight again. He would be Daniel's protector always. No one would harm him again if he could prevent it. No one!

 

He knew that he shouldn't disturb Daniel but his feet moved of their own accord as he approached the lonely man still rocking back and forth clinging to the journal Osiris had just given him as if it were a lifeline. He spoke softly, "I see that you have returned to your view port."

 

Daniel said nothing and didn't even acknowledge that Zeenan was there. He didn't let that dissuade him as he continued, "Daniel, is there any way that I can be of service to you?"

 

Still there was no response or acknowledgement, which bothered Zeenan immensely. He continued, "Have you ever heard of Kel-no-reem, young one?"

 

That brought Daniel's head up. He focused intently on Zeenan still not speaking but he was now looking at him intently. He took that as a sign of encouragement and continued, "Kel-no-reem is a meditative state that we as Jaffa must perform every night..."

 

"I know..."

 

His quiet words disrupted the room as he actually responded to a comment. Zeenan continued, "Perhaps you would like to join me while I conduct my Kel-no-reem..."

 

"Really? I'd like...never mind...I don't want to be a burden."

 

Zeenan gently cupped Daniel's face in the palm of his large hand as he continued in a quieter tone, "You will not be a burden, young one. If you would like to join me then please do. I would be honored to have you sit with me as I meditate."

 

Daniel wanted to join Zeenan so much for he knew how relaxing it would be. He used to sit with Teal'c on occasion as he meditated and often drew some inner calm from just being in his presence. He wanted to join Zeenan but hesitated. He glanced at the Jaffa a refusal on the edge of his lips but Zeenan interrupted, "Come, let us go to my chambers."

 

"I..."

 

"Come."

 

He nodded then allowed the Jaffa to help him to his feet. He followed Zeenan refusing to yield his hold on the journal, his gift to his friends, his gift to Jack if something happened to him.

 

As he entered the Jaffa's chambers he felt uneasiness sweep over him. Zeenan smiled then said, "Come, you may sit while I light the candles."

 

"I...I really should go...I don't want to..."

 

"Daniel, you are not intruding. I have invited you to join me. How can one intrude if they have been invited?"

 

"Um..."

 

Not being able to think of a good answer he settled for lowering to the floor. Zeenan reached for the journal as he said, "Let us place this away from the flames so it does not catch fire."

 

As he wrapped his hand around the edge of the journal and gently tugged he noticed that Daniel was very hesitant to release it. Osiris had been very wise in his decision to present Daniel with the journal for the young man seemed to be using it as a way to bring comfort to himself. He smiled gently as Daniel eased his hold and carefully placed the journal on his bed. He then focused on lighting the candles that created a wide circle in the center of the room.

 

Daniel watched Zeenan as he started to light the candles forming a wide circle around him. He felt as if he were intruding because he was sitting in the midst of the circle where he knew Zeenan would position himself. He began to rise when Zeenan spoke again, "No, remain in the center of the circle. I have invited you to join me, Daniel. I would feel upset were you to choose to sit outside of the circle instead of with me. Please, do not feel you must leave."

 

"I..."

 

"Please, young one. This is as much for your benefit as it is for mine."

 

"I don't..."

 

"The circle of meditation will help you to relax. You are much too tense and much too distracted. You must learn to relax yourself again, young one. Much has happened to you since your arrival here and you have had little time to deal with things. You need this as much as I, so please stay."

 

"Oh...okay...thank you."

 

"You are welcome, Daniel Jackson."

 

He smiled as he heard the Jaffa address him as Teal'c always has. He instantly started to relax after thinking of his Jaffa friend on Earth. He watched Zeenan as the Jaffa carefully lit each candle in the room before lowering the lights and taking position directly in front of him. At first the darkness made him feel edgy but as he focused on Zeenan and watched the firelight bouncing across his facial features he quickly assumed the position the Jaffa was in. He crossed his legs Indian style and rested his hands on his thighs focusing intently on the First Prime. Zeenan had his eyes closed and Daniel soon found himself following in suit.

 

Zeenan spoke quietly his voice filling the air around them as he did so, "Everything is connected, Daniel...every living creature, every planet, every star. Did you know this?"

 

He didn't speak; instead he focused on Zeenan's soothing voice and allowed the flames to flicker across his closed eyelids. He could see the faint flicker of each candle as the air played and caressed the open flames. He could feel a sense of calm begin to descend upon him as he released his first barrier and allowed raw emotion to escape. He realized suddenly that he needed to vent and to mourn not only his loss of security due to the attack on Dionysus' planet but also the loss of his freedom, the loss of his friends, the loss of his home. He had never truly dealt with those issues, which is why he was probably so confused and uncertain. He hadn't taken the time to properly deal with those issues of loss. Zeenan's voice interrupted as he continued, "You must learn to relax and to allow life to take its course. Do not fight it. Do not resist your fate. You have been brought to us for a reason. None of us know this reason but you are here now. You have been chosen to do something that must be done to maintain the normal balance of things."

 

"Why? I don't want to be here..."

 

"Hmm, this I do know, young one. You desire to return to your former life. You are not happy here and have never been. Yet you remain and you carry on..."

 

"Zeenan...I...I can't do this...I'm sorry...I can't..."

 

"What can you not do, young one? Can you not meditate or can you not handle the events now transpiring in your life? Daniel, you are a courageous man. I am honored to serve you. You are a very special Tau'ri. You have the power to do so much yet you continue to resist what has happened to you. Instead of viewing your new life as your prison focus on what good you can do while in this prison. Osiris is a very powerful god but he is not perfect nor will he ever be. He does not see the hurt and the wrong he does to his people. You can help him to see things differently. You can help so many people if you allow yourself to live instead of trying to make sense of everything..."

 

Daniel said nothing as he listened to Zeenan. The Jaffa fell silent again and they both sat in silence. Daniel allowed himself to continue to relax listening to Zeenan's deep even breathing as the Jaffa started his Kel-no-reem. The longer he remained the calmer he became and he could feel the mountains of tension quickly melting away to be replaced with an inner calm that he had not experienced in so very long. He allowed himself to accept that inner calm and could sense his shields beginning to slip away momentarily. He had no reason to keep his protective barriers up in this room for here he was safe, like in the bath and at the view port...he had found yet another safe haven aboard Osiris' ship.

 

As he sat in the semi-darkness with Zeenan he started to recall the many times he shared with his friends. He could see Jack smiling at him, hear Sam as she laughed, and hear Teal'c as he offered advice. He grinned as he could hear Janet's quiet nagging of how he couldn't survive on simply coffee alone. The memories started to fill him. It had been so long since he allowed so many to come to him. The moments played through his mind like a video; his life with Sha're and her imminent capture. Apophis lying on his deathbed in the infirmary as Daniel granted his host a final prayer. Sha're's father smiling at him and Skaara hugging him. Jack laughing at his occasional awkwardness and Teal'c nodding his head in a show of approval...on and on the memories flashed through his mind of his life before Osiris claimed him as his own. He allowed the memories to come, the good and the bad. He couldn't believe how calm he was and how focused. He no longer remembered that he was sitting with Osiris' First Prime instead he was recalling who he was, had been before Osiris had stolen him away. He was remembering who he truly was and felt a sudden burst of fire in his heart...his soul, his spirit was being reborn again. He didn't know what to do or say but he could see himself now full of life and curiosity. He felt as if the ice that had been choking and squeezing his heart was finally melting away.

 

He laughed, a genuinely warm laugh as he whispered, "I'm back, Jack...I'm back...and I intend to stay..."

 

Zeenan was deep in his Kel-no-reem but he could hear the softest laugh off in the distance. Where was that laughter coming from? It sounded beautiful as if it were music to his ears. He then heard the softly whispered words of another and recalled that Daniel was with him. Daniel had been the one to laugh only moments ago. He smiled...Daniel was going to be all right...at least for now. He felt extremely glad that he had invited Daniel here on a whim. He never invited anyone to sit with him as he meditated before and for no reason at all asked Daniel because he was certain that it would help the man at least a little.

 

                                                       * * * *

After he was finished with his Kel-no-reem he focused on the man before him noticing that Daniel was watching him with a new sense of wonder and curiosity. He questioned, "What is wrong, Daniel?”

 

"Thank you...thank you for this."

 

He lowered his head to show he was welcome. Daniel laughed softly again, which drew his attention to the young man before him. He asked, "Why are you laughing, young one?"

 

"You..."

 

"Me...what have I done..."

 

"No, no...just now...you...you reminded me of someone..."

 

"Your friend?"

 

"Yes...my friend...Teal'c...you remind me of him."

 

"I see."

 

He fell silent watching Daniel who suddenly broke the silence, "He often invited me to join him as he meditated. I loved to sit with him as he did so. Teal'c's room was always so quiet and his presence was so reassuring. You... I...he would know when I needed solace...just as you knew...that's why you invited me to join you tonight because you knew what I needed...you knew...just like Teal'c always has...you knew..."

 

"I had hoped that by bringing you here with me that you would be able to find some inner calm and some inner peace. You are in need of those things desperately. I only wanted to help..."

 

"And you have. Thank you, Zeenan. You don't realize how much this means to me."

 

"Daniel, you may join me any time you would like to sit with me as I meditate."

 

"Anytime? Would...are you sure I wouldn't be imposing..."

 

"You would not."

 

"Then I would like to join you...often...if...if you don't mind...I mean if you do then..."

 

"Daniel, you may join me every evening if you so desire. Please feel free to do so."

 

"Thank...thank you, Zeenan. Thank you."

 

"You are quite welcome, young one. Now you must return to your room. You are very tired."

 

"I...I don't want to return...not yet. Do you mind if I just sit here...for some time."

 

"You may stay as long as you wish. I must leave to make a last check of the ship before I retire. Feel free to stay as long as you wish, young one."

 

"Thank you."

 

Zeenan left the room to check the ship once again. He stopped when Osiris spoke quietly, "Where is my favored, Zeenan?"

 

"He is in my chamber, My Lord. I took it upon myself to invite him to join me as I meditated. I hope that I have not offended you by doing so."

 

Osiris simply questioned in a softer tone of voice, "Has it helped him at all?"

 

"Yes...he seems more calm and more relaxed."

 

"That is good to hear. Tell him that he may return to me when he is ready."

 

"I will, My Lord. I also wanted to inform you that he is very appreciative of the gift you have given him. He has been keeping it with him all evening. I believe the gift means more to him then you or I even realize."

 

Osiris smiled a genuine smile as he said, "That is very good to hear. I had hoped that the gift would help him some. He is very upset and confused. He will need time to heal from the damage Dionysus and his servants have caused him."

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

"You may go. I shall retire. Please continue to watch him for me."

 

"Yes, My Lord."

 

Zeenan left and finished his checks before returning to his room. He searched for Daniel not seeing the man sitting in the midst of the candles and spotted him curled up on the floor sleeping. He smiled as he set to work blowing out the candles that surrounded the young Tau'ri. He then lowered beside Daniel and whispered, "Daniel...Daniel, come let us get you to bed."

 

Daniel mumbled sleepily, "No...no...want to stay here...please..."

 

"You are on the floor, young one. We must get you into a bed."

 

"No...Jack...Jack's here...don't want to leave...Jack...love you..."

 

Zeenan felt his throat constrict and his eyes threaten to tear up as he heard the need and yearning in the young man's voice. He quickly decided to leave Daniel on the floor not wanting to disrupt his dreams of the man he loved with all his heart. He settled for gathering some covers from his bed then approaching the young man. He knelt beside Daniel draping the warm blankets over him. Daniel instantly snuggled deeper into the new mound of warmth now surrounding his body. Zeenan smiled gently then carefully sat Daniel's book near him on the floor certain that he would search for it upon waking. As Daniel mumbled Jack's name again Zeenan reached over gently pushing the man's long mane of hair off of his face saying, "I am sure he loves you too, young one. Now rest. Go to sleep. I shall watch over you and wake you in the morning. You just rest..."

 

Daniel sighed before cuddling deeper into the covers and settling once again into a deep sleep.

 

                                                       * * * *

He came awake with a start, unconsciously reaching over to his right, momentarily confused when an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment washed over him. He tried to figure out why he felt so upset casting a gaze at the empty space beside him. As he saw the emptiness there his mixed emotions suddenly made sense to him. Jack...Jack wasn't here lying beside him. Jack wasn't with him. Jack was on Earth and that was why he felt so upset. He knew that he had been reaching for the man upon waking; reaching for him as if to reassure himself that he wasn't alone in this world. When his hand encountered nothing but a hard floor he knew, he remembered where he was: Osiris' ship.

 

He glanced around the room not recognizing anything and wondering where he was. When his eyes fell to the book lying beside him within his reach he collected it and drew it to himself holding it so close and clenching his eyes tightly shut trying to stall the barrage of tears threatening to spill. As he fought against those tears he remembered where he was. He was in Zeenan's personal chambers.

 

Zeenan had brought him here last night to help him. He had offered solace and comfort to him and it had helped for he didn't feel so lost, but nothing could completely banish the pain Jack's absence wrought within him. Nothing could banish the love he still felt so very strongly for the man so far away. Nothing, and this was now the source of his unhappiness. Last night he had jumped some hurdles, but still there were so many yet lying before him that he had to clear before he could truly feel happy, content and secure again. Many of those hurdles would remain, impeding his journey until he was set free, so what he had to do was find a way to deal with those hurtles and his present life in order to move on, but it was so hard, so very hard to accept that he was now only a slave, a servant...a prisoner, still a prisoner after all this time. He still had to find a way to do that, for if he couldn't accept and deal with things in his life presently then he ran a very high risk of losing himself even after Zeenan's help. He was still at high risk for losing himself in this place, but at least he had taken several steps forward instead of backwards or he'd be much worse off than he now was. Thanks to Zeenan's help he was now able to continue meeting each challenge head on without crumpling at the first indication of failure.

 

He decided that he had better get ready for his lord before Osiris sought him out so he rose and carefully folded the blanket Zeenan had covered him with the previous night. He then cast another glance about the room smiling softly as he again realized the gift Zeenan had offered him by bringing him here. He would have to thank Zeenan when he saw him next but now, now he had to bathe and get dressed before returning to Osiris' side and attending his lord. He exited the room after making sure nothing was disturbed and slowly made his way down the hall towards the bathhouse trying to draw in several calming breaths before getting back into his daily routine of service.

 

                                                    * * * * * *

As the phone rang Jack O'Neill reached out to snatch it off the hook grumbling a sharp, "WHAT?" as he tried to figure out just who in the hell was calling him. A concerned voice crackled over the head set in response, "Sir..."

 

"Carter? Carter what the hell...? What are you doing waking me...?"

 

Sounding properly chastised but also patient Carter continued, "Uh sir do you realize what time it is?"

 

He ran a hand across his face yawning as exhaustion still clung to him. He mumbled, "What? Yeah, yeah sure I do..." before casting a glance at his clock and cursing. Carter had enough decency to simply question, "What?"

 

"I missed the meeting didn't I?"

 

"The meeting hasn't started yet, sir. It can't without you here. The General asked me to..."

 

"Ah damn it! I'm on my way. Give me some time and I'll be right there."

 

"Sir, are you...? Are you...?"

 

He shook his head grumbling unhappily before answering truthfully, "No, no I'm not all right but I will be there."

 

"You're not? What...?"

 

"Don't have time to talk, Carter, running a bit late here."

 

"Yes sir."

 

Hearing sadness and disappointment in her voice he offered, "Look I'll talk to you about it later if you'd like just... Right now I don't have time to get into it and I'd rather not carry my heart on my sleeve at work for everyone to see. I'm coping. They need not be concerned with how I'm really feeling. Don't worry. I'll be fine. Tell Hammond I'm sorry and I'll be in shortly."

 

"Yes sir."

 

He hung up the phone and raced around getting ready for work knowing that he was extremely late and that he'd soon have to break his pattern of tardiness or Hammond would have no choice but to penalize him for not being where he's expected to be.

 

                                                       * * * *

After their meeting Jack focused on Carter knowing that she was waiting for the explanation he told her he'd give her on the phone. He shook his head before he approached her saying, "Let's get out of here."

 

"Uh yes...yes sir."

 

He turned to Teal'c extending an invitation "Care to join us for lunch, big guy?"

 

"I would be honored."

 

"Okay let's go."

 

They left Cheyenne Mountain and went to a local restaurant requesting a private booth in the back so that no one could eavesdrop on their conversation. Once they were settled and had given their orders to the waitress Jack nervously chuckled before making a stab at an apology, "Um, guess this wasn't the best place to come..."

 

"It's fine sir."

 

"I suppose it'll do."

 

An uncomfortable silence fell between them stretching as no one said another word. Carter was the first to break it, "Sir, you've been late to work three..."

 

"Um, no, no. I believe I'm up to five now, Carter."

 

She gazed at him in shock only down casting her eyes when he nervously coughed before apologizing, "Uh, sorry, sorry just, uh...just wanted to be accurate."

 

"Colonel..."

 

Her use of his formal title drew his complete attention and he merely shook his head as he added, "I know, Carter, I know."

 

"So?"

 

He glanced at her then Teal'c and back again before replying, "Yes so..."

 

Again they fell silent, all three aware that conversation didn't seem to flow between them as easily when they had a missing teammate out there somewhere, possibly injured or worse. Carter shook her head, saddened by the observation. They used to work so well together but now, now they were each grieving in their own way, grieving and hanging onto a fragile hope that someday and somehow that fourth member would be returned to them. She glanced up as the waitress brought their drinks and watched as the woman quickly excused herself before she turned to stare blankly at her glass.

 

Jack risked a glance at both Carter and Teal'c before he too lowered his gaze to his own glass and began to stare at it realizing that he suddenly had no desire to even touch it. The silence continued before he spoke up, "I miss him you know, miss him so damned much and it's hard so hard you know. It's just so hard him not being there, facing that empty house... I..."

 

Teal'c spoke up then offering comfort by reminding the Colonel that he wasn't alone, "We are all missing Daniel Jackson. You are not alone in your fear and sadness, O'Neill. We all want to bring him home."

 

"I'm sorry..."

 

"For what are you sorry, O'Neill?"

 

"For...for keeping all this to myself, for not speaking to Carter or you, for...for everything. I'm sorry about everything."

 

"We all feel his loss, but none feel it as strongly as you do, O'Neill."

 

"Yeah... You know I thought, I was sure... I figured I could handle it, you know. Handle it and move on but...but I'm not handling it at all. I...every time I enter that house, our house I... It all comes back. That house is so big, so cold, so empty now without him..."

 

He allowed his voice to trail off again shaking his head not sure of what it was he wanted to say exactly. After several long moments he laughed, a hollow laugh, as he added, "I left his things exactly as they were when he...before he... I even left a half a cup of coffee sitting that was...is his. I can't...I can't make myself move it or wash it out. I'm... I don't want to forget him you know."

 

Carter reached over and placed her hand over top of his squeezing it in reassurance as she replied, "And you won't, sir, you won't. You won't forget him. He'll be back. He will we just have to...we have to..."

 

Teal'c finished her sentence as her voice cracked with sorrow, "We have to be patient. Daniel Jackson will return to us when he is able. We must be here for him when he does."

 

Jack nodded before speaking words that scared the hell out of him, "Do you think he...?"

 

"He will return, O'Neill, and when he does we must be strong for him. He will need us more than he ever has. The life of a favored one is most difficult. He has experienced much in the time since he was taken from us. We must stand with him and support him when he is returned to us. We cannot forget him. We must remain strong for Daniel Jackson. He will need our strength to survive such a lengthy captivity."

 

Jack nodded as he smiled before saying, "Oh we'll be there for him with bells on."

 

"I do not understand this with bells, O'Neill. Why would we want to place bells on ourselves?"

 

Sam laughed as she said, "It's an expression, Teal'c. It means that we'll be here to cheer him on and greet him."

 

"So why not just say..."

 

Jack snickered before answering, "It's a Tau'ri thing Teal'c. Trust me."

 

All three laughed for the first time in months feeling as if they were again coming together as a team and together, together they could be strong, they would be strong for their missing member. Daniel would come back to them and when he returned they'd make certain to be there for him no matter what he needed. They would be there for Daniel and they would help him to get his life back; they would help him to heal for together they could do anything.

 

                    * * * * * *

Journal Entry:

 

 

I'm dying here Jack. My soul is dying. Little by little I erode away more

and more each day. Where are you? Why haven't you come for me?

Why aren't you here? Why am I still here? Jack, I'm dying. Dying so

slowly, so painfully slow. I can't feel anything any more. I'm so alone, so

alone and so scared. I don't know what to do any more Jack. I want to

live, to fight but I just can't seem to find the will to hold on. Help me Jack

please help me. I need you...each day without you breaks my heart...do I

even have a heart left? God, do I have anything left?

 

Do you have any idea how it feels to be numb, Jack? Not just physically

numb.. emotionally numb. I need you, Jack. I need you so much. I can't do

this on my own. Each day becomes a challenge and the memories, oh God

the memories... I can't seem to forget...can't seem to move on with my life.

It's almost like I'm stuck in my own personal time loop. Time keeps folding

in on itself, collapsing and bringing the memories back again and again. I

don't know why I have been so affected by that attack. Why it is so different

from when Osiris rapes me? Why is it so hard for me to deal with what

happened on that planet? Hell I was only attacked, assaulted...beaten not

raped. I was afraid, so afraid and now I can't seem to forget. The images

insist on repeating in my mind, playing like a broken record over and over

and over again…only the scene doesn't end with Zeenan finding me and

killing my assailants, my would-be abductors. No the scene continues to

show me in very vivid detail all the ways I was certain I would be raped

and sexually assaulted. He wanted me. He even told me so...maybe...I don't

know, maybe that attack refuses to leave me because my mind is trying to

help me realize that I have been raped and assaulted all along. Well I don't

want to be reminded of that, I don't want to be reminded of the times

Osiris excited me then assaulted me...

 

He rarely raises a hand against me, rarely hurts me physically… often he is

somewhat gentle, but he has a twisted perverted mind and some very dark

sinister fantasies... Yes he's tied me up before, gagged me, ordered me to beg

to be fucked, to wear his essence upon my face, to crawl for him and to service

him. Oh God I feel so damned sick. I can't do it anymore. I can't. It's just...

I can't...

 

Jack you have to help me. You have to come for me, heal me, save me Jack...save

what's left of my soul, my spirit, my heart... save me before there is nothing left.

I'm so numb now Jack. I can't feel anything. Is that even possible? How can

someone be unable to feel anything anymore? Well, I do feel...I feel certain

things:  depression, hopelessness, helplessness, desperation, shame, guilt, fear

and humiliation. I can feel my spirit dying, screaming to be heard, to be helped,

to be healed and loved. All I feel is this huge emptiness inside. The emptiness

is filled with those feelings of shame and desperation.

 

It's been several weeks yet I still go to the bathhouse and sit. I sit and I rock, I

rock and I sit curled inward on myself, balled up. I make myself as compact as

I am able. I pull my feet to my chest, wrap my arms around my legs, bury my

eyes in my kneecaps then I rock. I don't speak, I don't move other then to rock

back and forth. It's actually kind of comforting but I know that I can't allow myself

to fall over the edge I'm precariously balancing on... Can't give up, can't give in.

I have to fight, to resist but it's so hard now, Jack, so very hard. I...I don't really

know what to do. What can I do? I'm trapped. I have no escape, no freedom. I try

to cry but am all cried out. I have no tears left to shed, Jack. They're all gone just

like I'll soon be gone...

 

Lost in this horrible endless emptiness...

 

Lost and alone...so very ALONE

 

 

End of Journal Entry

 

 

Daniel read the newest journal entry again; amazed to see how he'd been feeling actually down in writing. He had decided to write in his journal; actually he felt the need to, and quickly retrieved it before escaping to Zeenan's chambers for privacy. Zeenan told him he could spend time here, then excused himself telling him that if he needed anything to feel free to send for him. He also assured him that Osiris would not bother him here and that he would let his lord know where he was. Daniel had been afraid that Osiris would arrive but again Zeenan assured him that he wouldn't and explained to him that Osiris knew he needed privacy and was willingly granting him whatever he needed. He felt relieved knowing that he could make himself comfortable and spend uninterrupted time here sorting out his thoughts. He was thankful that Osiris seemed to be more eager to grant him the things he so desperately needed.

 

He shook his head as he carefully closed his journal before drawing it to his chest and bowing his head. As he thought back over the past couple of weeks he could see that he was on a dangerous path of self-destruction, but how had it started? Where had it begun? The first time he came to this room he felt as if he were reborn, as if he could handle anything else thrown his way. Hell he was ready to face things head on, to cope, to deal with issues, and to begin accepting that he was Osiris' personal attendant, but he didn't take into account the debilitating memories and the vicious nightmares that were quickly unraveling that little bit of progress he had made towards acceptance and healing. Those dreams tore him apart, leaving him vulnerably exposed and scared to death. Oh Osiris had tried to comfort him, but more often than not he found himself shrinking away from his touch. Sarah had tried to help, but again he flinched in response to her touch or found it nearly impossible to break through his terror. He called out for Jack, screamed for Jack to come to him, knowing he needed Jack with him, but he was so blinded and gripped by fear and panic that his mind couldn't quite comprehend that Jack was millions of miles away. He knew that it greatly upset both Osiris and Sarah that they could rarely calm him; usually it was Zeenan or My'la who succeeded. More often than not it was Zeenan who could do what so many others failed to do for him. He wasn't sure if that was because he felt safe with the Jaffa warrior or if it was because Zeenan had been the one who originally vanquished those set on hurting him so badly. He didn't really try to understand why it was always Zeenan who could calm him. He was just glad that someone could.

 

Even while awake, memories would creep up on him when he least expected it. He would usually freeze, run or collapse when that happened. Osiris was so use to it now that he could almost predict when a flashback crept up on him, and always, always made sure someone came after him, whether it was Zeenan, My'la or Osiris himself. He knew, he knew that the Goa'uld lord was worried about him and was keeping a much closer eye on him then ever before, and though he hated that he was a slave and Osiris his master, his owner, he was thankful that the phoenix lord understood him well enough to give him time and space and was willing to place his desires and needs on hold until his servant was ready to again meet those needs without tensing or screaming at the top of his lungs in outright terror. Thank God Osiris was being so understanding about the entire situation. Thank God!

 

He silenced his thoughts, feeling as if he were now ready to return to his lord's side, so he slowly rose and returned his journal to their bedchamber before reporting to Osiris. Once before his lord he requested to bathe again. Osiris smiled showing him unbelievable patience and understanding as he permitted him to do so, making certain to assure him that he could take as long as he needed. Osiris also told him that either he or Zeenan would come check on him occasionally to see if he needed anything. He thanked his lord bowing elegantly before him then leaving the room carrying himself as he had been taught automatically, behaving as was expected of a favored, for his trainings were now so ingrained in him that they were now second nature. He did as was expected without conscious thought.

 

He entered the bathhouse smiling when Zeenan glanced up at him before saying "I hope that you do not mind for I took the liberty of collecting some bath oils and candles from My'la. I believe that they may help to calm you some, Daniel."

 

He smiled warmly at Zeenan before softly answering, "Thank you for everything Zeenan. Thank you. I really appreciate everything you're doing for me."

 

Zeenan returned the smile and nodded before saying, "I am glad that I am able to help you, Daniel. Please feel free to use the oils and candles. I believe that they will be of great help to you. Now I will leave you to your bath."

 

"Thank you Zeenan."

 

"You are most welcome, young one."

 

Zeenan then left the room leaving Daniel to himself. Daniel lit the candles and added oils to the water before sinking into the warm water and beginning his bath.

 

                                                       * * * *

Osiris entered the bathhouse drawing to a halt as his eyes fell to the man still bathing. He was silent, quiet, still and somewhat withdrawn. He was still very nervous and anxious. Though the attack happened several weeks ago his precious servant still bore the emotional scars of very nearly being raped by Dionysus' guards.

 

He smiled as he noticed several candles lit throughout the room...probably Zeenan's way of helping the young man to calm. The lights were dim and the candles lit. He could smell the scents of lavender, sandalwood and rosewood...incense...or bath oils...most likely bath oils...probably also a gift from Zeenan. Zeenan seemed to know just what Daniel Jackson needed to soothe his tormented soul.

 

He smiled warmly as he noticed that Daniel seemed to be relaxed. He slowly approached barely making a sound as he did so. Daniel was leaning back, his head resting back against the wall. His eyes were closed. He seemed calm...at peace... Was he asleep or merely resting? Osiris knew the man had much difficulty relaxing since the assault. He would often awaken at night calling, screaming for Jack to help him, screaming for anyone to help him... Osiris spent many nights speaking to him allowing Sarah to come to him to soothe his aching soul. Sometimes her voice alone could do the trick, calm him, settle him and send him to sleep...other times mentioning Jack loved him and was waiting for him but couldn't come to him would help. Sometimes Osiris could calm the man and sometimes, more often than not, he had to call My'la or Zeenan to the room...the two people in his legion to whom Daniel had grown fond and attached. Sometimes by writing in his journal he could calm himself, but often he remained restless choosing to remain in his safe havens instead of returning to their bed.

 

As he watched Daniel with his eyes closed reclining in the bath he found that he wanted to join so he quietly slipped off his robes and entered the bath. Daniel still seemed to be asleep, for he didn't even move as Osiris' entrance disturbed the now still water. He smiled warmly again leaning over to the control panel he turned on the bubbles and turned up the temperature certain that Daniel was now probably chilled. He spotted a bottle of bath oil and added a few drops settling beside Daniel watching him as he slept. The water heated up rapidly making the temperature warm enough to be comfortable and relaxing but not overly hot.

 

He watched Daniel, reaching out to gently push some of the wet locks of hair off of his handsome face. He then resorted to gently running his fingers back through the man's hair making his strokes light, caressing, calming and feathery. Daniel moaned turning into that soothing stroke but didn't awake...yet. Osiris questioned in a low whisper, "How can I help you, Daniel? How can I soothe your wounded soul?"

 

Daniel moaned again, uttering a word on a breath. Osiris knew that word, sometimes despised it and hated hearing it, but other times he accepted it knowing that Daniel would never forget the man who could heal his soul, could soothe him, comfort him and hold him close when the world seemed as if it were too much for him to handle...Jack...Jack, the man always called for Jack, cried out for him, pleaded for him and begged for him always...Daniel even called the man's name when he climaxed. Colonel Jack O'Neill was the luckiest Tau'ri Osiris knew, for the man held Daniel Jackson's heart in his hands. Osiris gently crooned, "No, my precious, he is not here."

 

Daniel moaned again before opening his eyes. He tried to remember where he was and could hear the sound of bubbles...bubbling...the bathhouse. He must've drifted asleep. He slowly sat up lowering his face into his hands as he tried to focus on the present. He remembered what brought him here...the memories; those memories that refused to leave him alone. Why did that attack bother him so much? Why? He shook his head wondering if he would ever be able to forget what happened. Would he ever be able to accept another's touch again?

 

He hissed as a hand gently touched his shoulder. He snapped his eyes open in shock and fear relaxing when he saw the woman now with him. He said, "Sarah..."

 

"Yes, Daniel, it's me. Shh, hush now. I'm sorry if I startled you. We were concerned about you and wanted to check on you."

 

He moaned as her hand slipped behind his neck and those fingers started to play with his now lengthy hair. She continued to speak softly to him hushing him and telling him over and over to relax.

 

He wanted to hate her, to hate it, but he was emotionally drained. His emotions were so strung out now that he had no time, no place for hatred to fit in. He was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. All he wanted to do was sleep...Depression...he knew he was depressed as well and fought against it but presently he was all out of the strength, the energy he needed to keep moving and keep going. He needed to heal, to recover and to learn to sleep again without seeing the attack in those dreams, without seeing what could have happened to him if Zeenan had never found him. He shuddered as he thought of that. He closed his eyes again listening to the woman, the monster beside him attempting to soothe him. He was so tired, tired of everything. Would he ever be able to feel normal again? Or was his life to be this confused and jumbled mess? Oh, Jack, Jack where are you? Why haven't you come for me? I need you now more than ever but you're not here. I'm all alone here, Jack. All alone with no chance of escape, no chance at freedom, no chance to return to you...come for me please, love. Please. I'm dying here slowly...my soul is dying.

 

Daniel heard Sarah's voice speaking still calmly to him as she gently urged him to ease against her. He didn't want to move but did so without complaint. She continued, "Come, Daniel, sit between my legs...lean against me for support. Please, Daniel."

 

He obeyed sliding between her now spread open legs. Once there she continued, "Now relax and allow me to help you."

 

He moaned as her practiced fingers started to slowly move working into his neck muscles. She slowly began to grasp the flesh of his shoulders in her fingers and release working the tension from the muscles. At first he winced feeling pain as she attempted to massage his neck and shoulders. She hushed him and told him to relax. Within minutes he allowed his head to fall back against her moaning as those dainty fingers began to work magic in his overtired, overstrained, tense muscles. He could feel those fingers working his flesh into a pliable mass of gel and felt himself beginning to relax against her.

 

Sarah smiled as she could feel the tension beginning to dissipate in Daniel. She spoke soothingly encouraging him to relax saying, "Yes, that's it Daniel. Let go. Just let yourself go. Relax. You're way too tense. Calm yourself and relax."

 

"Sarah..."

 

"Yes, Daniel?"

 

"Hmm, nothing...nothing..."

 

"Okay... Daniel, we need to talk...about the way you've been feeling since... You still dream of him, of them..."

 

Daniel only nodded his head refusing to speak of what she wanted. She was trying to offer him comfort, but for him no such thing existed. His comfort, his security, his safety net was stripped from him the day he was collared and chained, the day he was marked as Osiris' slave and property. He knew that Sarah was very worried about him as was Osiris, but there was nothing either of them could do. He was too far gone, too exhausted and too weary to fight any longer. All he wanted to do was curl up and slip away, slip into a world of nothingness, emptiness and silence. He had struggled so long and so hard to maintain whom he had been, but somewhere between Osiris' capture and the destruction of Alandria, somewhere between his failed escape attempts and his horrifying punishments he'd lost himself. He was no more...he just was... He simply existed in this world of utter numbness.

 

He inhaled sharply as Sarah leaned forward pressing her firm, round breasts against his back. He moaned from deep in his throat as the simple brushing of her nipples across his flesh drew heat into him and aroused him. Osiris had made him this way...made him respond so willingly, so openly to a simple touch or stroke. It would seem that even when he was certain he was no more, that he just existed, he still had the ability to respond to stimulation and still had an intense need to be satiated.

 

He cursed himself as his mouth allowed words to elicit forth, “Please...please...make me feel again, Sarah. Help me to feel something other than this...this endless emptiness...please...please, My Lord, help me to feel alive. Please, I beg of you help me to feel something, anything...please!"

 

He felt so ashamed and so angry that he had just pleaded to be made love to. Sarah knew, they both knew, that he craved their touches and caresses. They both knew that he desperately wanted to be comforted and soothed, and both were more than a little bit eager to be accommodating for their precious servant.

 

Sarah continued to massage Daniel's neck as she leaned forward and blew gently across Daniel's right ear drawing a ragged breath from the man in response to the simplest of stimuli. She then answered his request with a question, "Are you certain that this is what you wish, Daniel? Are you truly ready to please us after what happened on Naveria? We do not wish to cause you more pain. You must speak if it is too soon."

 

As Sarah leaned against him more Daniel gasped as if she were fire feeling the heat in his body only build. He panted, "Please...please...I need...I...I need to..."

 

He fell silent as his own voice echoed within his mind the answer, the secret he refused to reveal to anyone, 'I need to feel alive again...I need to feel something...I don't remember how to feel...please help me to feel again...please...'

 

Sarah sensed his need and without another word she shifted, urging him to move so that she could sit perched on his lap facing him. She pressed her heat to his manhood then cupped Daniel's face between her hands making him look up at her as she sat above him and quietly asked, "Is this what you need, Daniel? Is this what you desire?"

 

As she brushed her womanly center against his ever rising penis Daniel cried out answering in desperation, "Yes...yes..." and feeling as if he just condemned his soul all over again to hell by becoming so desperate to feel something that he actually asked to be serviced by his lord.

 

Sarah shifted in his lap then slowly eased her warm sheath down over Daniel's throbbing manhood. She hissed in pleasure as she could feel him stretching her and filling her. She heard his moan as her vaginal muscles started to contract and tighten, drawing him deeper within her tight burning core. She inhaled shakily feeling pleasure surge forth as she settled completely on his engorged member and prepared to ride him and lead him to the pinnacles of ecstasy and beyond.

 

Daniel found himself actually whimpering softly as he could feel Sarah's moist heat engulf him and pull him in. As he felt her body grip him so firmly and so completely he felt the floodgates of his passion open and felt the emotions of such a simple action come alive within. Alive...he was starting to feel alive again.

 

How had he come to be so dependent on her, on it to feel any emotion other than despair and sadness? How had he grown to need Osiris, to need Sarah, in order to feel anything anymore? What happened to him to make him so willing to sacrifice his self, his very soul, for a few moments of normality in this decrepit existence he now found himself trapped in? He was dying, dying so slowly and so painfully. He was wilting and withering away. He was becoming nothing and it scared the hell out of him.

 

As Sarah lowered her arms to his shoulders draping them about him Daniel moaned. He instantly wrapped his arms around her lithe body in order to pull her against him. He needed to feel her satiny curves against his deadened skin. He needed to feel the softness of her supple skin, the heat she radiated...he needed to feel the life within her for his life was slowly leaving him threatening to leave behind a cold empty shell. As her skin rubbed across his own he hissed feeling nerve endings that he long thought dead coming to life again and sending pulsing pleasure throughout his body. This is what he needed to stay sane, this is what he needed to feel...he pressed his head into the hollow of her neck, pressing his lips to her dampened skin and crying out as she started to slowly ride him.

 

As she rode him so slowly while holding him so close he allowed his body to feel again. Oh God when was the last time he had felt like this, like he was alive and needed. When was the last time he'd felt normal? The answer echoed back to him making him shudder at the truthfulness of it...the last time he felt anything was when he gave himself to Osiris and allowed his sexual impulses and needs to thrive within. The last time he felt anything was when Osiris had made love to him.

 

Sarah sensed Daniel's desperate need for comfort and reassurance so she chose to make love to him slowly. As he pressed his head against her she inhaled sharply, aware that the man was seeking some form of solace from her. She wrapped her arms around him pulling him into a comforting embrace. As Daniel sighed then settled some more Sarah felt tears threatening to run down her cheeks for she knew, she sensed, that at this moment she was seeing Daniel Jackson at one of his lowest and most vulnerable moments. She knew instinctively that if she were not careful with how she proceeded that her actions could have the potential to drive that stake through the man's heart that he has been slowly pounding into himself for so very long. He was near to the breaking point again. His spirit, his soul, his livelihood had been nearly dashed and snuffed out by Osiris' demands for complete sexual servitude and when he was finally learning to adjust and accept that he must perform for his lord on all levels Dionysus attacked him and reminded the man again of just how vulnerable and weak he truly was.

 

Sarah started to press kisses to the top of Daniel's head while speaking soothing words that she knew would act as a healing balm on his already tattered soul. Daniel needed to feel. He needed her to be slow and gentle. He needed her to show to him that he was worth time and effort...that he was worth the love they both felt for him.

 

She lowered her head to his right shoulder, nuzzling against him and pressing soft, butterfly light kisses across his exposed neck. Daniel responded by moaning and inhaling deeply. As he sighed in pleasure she knew that he was growing more relaxed. He lifted his face to her casting that intense blue gaze her way and showing her the depths of his sorrow and need. She swallowed hard as she realized that Daniel was now stripped to the core, unable to dampen or even conceal the emotions he was experiencing. In those eyes she saw his desire and his need, she saw his hunger and his pleasure, but she had learned a long time ago how to read beyond those surface emotions that this man often exhibited to the world, and as she looked beyond them she could see a shattered soul, a desperate spirit fighting and struggling not to be extinguished. She could see Daniel's desire to live and the strain that this life was now having on his very soul. As she looked even deeper she saw his need, his want, his desire to end his own life and it scared the hell out of her for Daniel had never before became so lost that he desired to destroy himself to obtain freedom.

 

Without realizing it Sarah spoke softly, "Oh God Daniel what have we done to you?"

 

Daniel stilled in her arms, stiffening and she flinched as that window to his thoughts suddenly slammed shut. He knew what she had read in the depths of his eyes and he didn't want her to see that much of himself. She felt the loss as Daniel suddenly lowered his gaze and buried his face against her body, trying to conceal his emotions by hiding them from her. She felt him shudder beneath her hold and tightened her embrace. She spoke softly continuing to kiss his neck and ear as she softly hushed him and told him that everything was all right and that she was sorry to have upset him. Sarah continued, "Daniel please...please look at me. I need to see you. I need to see how you are feeling...please. Please, Daniel...let me in. Let me inside of you, Daniel...let me in...please. Don't shut me out, don't you dare shut me out, please."

 

Daniel's grip on her body tightened as he pulled her closer and cursed his need to have her with him. He had become lost in the emotions and in a moment of weakness had showed to her more than what she had any right to see. He had showed her the depths of his torment and knew that she would soon tell Osiris. The snake wouldn't understand and would probably choose to deal with the newest revelations by punishing his servant for even considering escape through death. He knew that she had seen his desire to kill himself and it angered him. She had no right! NO RIGHT! She had no right to pry into his mind and read his secrets in his own eyes. No right! He didn't know what to do or say. All he could do was hang onto her as if she were his damned lifeline. He could hear her speaking to him and heard her pleas...don't shut me out...why the hell not, Sarah? You're no longer you! I can't trust you! I can't trust anybody! I have to shut you out. I have no choice. I have to do it or you will destroy me in your attempts to save me. No, I will not let you in. NO!

 

Sarah had stilled ceasing their intercourse in its tracks. When Daniel said nothing else to her she quietly asked, "Would you like me to stop, Daniel? Would you prefer if I left?"

 

Before he could call it back he focused desperate eyes on her saying so softly she had to strain to hear, "No...no, please...I need to feel...please don't stop, don't leave...oh God..."

 

He clenched his eyes tightly shut as he realized that once again he'd spoken his thoughts aloud and made her aware of just how much he needed her to make love to him, to make him feel again. She spoke in that nurturing tone of voice rubbing her hands up and down across his back as she responded, "Okay, Daniel, okay. If you're certain."

 

She continued to kiss him and run her hands up and down across his body waiting until she could feel most of the tension slipping from him before she started her gentle, slow thrusts again. She knew that Daniel was in need. For some reason he needed her to make love to him. He needed her to show him that he was worthy of care and concern. He needed her to be gentle and slow with him. She didn't dare dwell on why he should need this so desperately she simply allowed desire and yearning take over again pulling him against her and holding him so close. She gasped as Daniel's lips pressed against her skin so soft and could only toss her head back in pleasure as he proceeded to trail light kisses from her throat downward leading a fiery path to the valley between her breasts. As she gasped out loud in immense pleasure Daniel glanced up at her lifting that handsome face yet again.

 

As Sarah saw the desire and need again filling those blue eyes of his making them burn with an intense fire she lowered her mouth to his capturing his lips within her own and moaning as she staked claim to that supple mouth. Daniel's response was cold and unyielding at first but as emotion continued to swamp him and desire continued to fuel his hunger he softened the kiss and prodded gently against the entrance to her mouth wanting to delve inside to explore.

 

Sarah moaned as she felt his tongue prodding gently at her lips and without thought she yielded opening her mouth and sighing as Daniel slipped his tongue tentatively inside, exploring the interior of her mouth with the carefulness and curiosity of a lover. She sighed, feeling her need for him increase and started to slowly ride him pushing him towards that peak they were striving for. She thrust slowly at first crying out and tossing her head back as Daniel started to meet her thrust for powerful thrust wanting and needing that release as desperately as she.

 

Daniel felt the heat and pleasure within building towards an inferno and as Sarah rode him faster he started to meet her every thrust, moaning and groaning as they both strove for that beautiful apex where pleasure became so overwhelming that it stole one's breath away. As he could feel emotions stirring within he started to chant a soft yes over and over again. He strained as he prepared to hit his orgasm and screamed as in the next instant he shot his load up in her warm, fiery cavern. Again without thought of whom he was with he screamed Jack's name so loud that his voice echoed off of the surrounding walls and filled the bathhouse. Sarah continued to ride him screaming as she neared her plateau and shouted Daniel's name before she sagged against him planting fevered kisses across his throat and face repetitively telling him that she loved him so very much before relaxing against his body and allowing his warm arms to hold her as their breathing began to even out.

 

She listened to Daniel, becoming aware of the intense silence that enveloped them. She then turned to face him gently brushing her hand against his face and saying, "Daniel, don't do it, please."

 

Daniel swallowed hard as he responded, "What?"

 

"Earlier when we were...I saw some things...that greatly disturbed me."

 

"Like what?"

 

Sarah hesitated not wanting to put voice to the horrible truth she saw in his eyes but knowing she had no choice, "Why do you feel the desire to...to destroy yourself, Daniel?"

 

He stiffened against her before muttering a quick, "I...I don't."

 

She shook her head sadly as she pursued the issue, "Don't lie to me, Daniel. I know you well and I have learned how to read your eyes...you want to find an ending to this life. Why?"

 

He said nothing hoping and praying that she wouldn't repeat her suspicions to Osiris. He changed the subject as he said, "I believe it's time for us to retire."

 

"Hmm..."

 

She continued to watch him intently knowing that he was changing the subject intentionally. She decided to give him his solace as she responded, “Yes, we have a busy day tomorrow.”

 

Daniel was surprised that Sarah didn't pursue the issue and was grateful that she decided not to. He simply nodded as he shifted slightly before preparing to rise from the bath and journey to their bedchamber hoping that he could succeed in getting some much needed rest, but as he finally settled in their bed he quickly discovered that sleep was going to be elusive yet again. He sighed in frustration before rising out of bed. Sarah grasped his hand to stop his escape but as their gazes locked she simply sighed before nodding her head and releasing his hand. He continued to look at her in confusion uncertain as to why she had released him when she softly uttered, "I'll be here when you return."

 

"What?"

 

"Go Daniel. We'll wait up for you."

 

He continued to look at her in puzzlement until she urged quieter, "Go."

 

He held her gaze only a moment longer before nodding, retrieving his journal from his desk and making his way towards solace. Once he found a quiet place to relax he settled himself before opening his journal to the next blank page. He then retrieved a pen from the box that held the diary and began to write again:

 

 

Journal Entry:

 

 

Sometimes I can see her in the being before me and sometimes, sometimes

I see the one who has come to be my oppressor and my master. I remember

her before the invasion, before her life was stolen away. She was one I had

grown to love, the woman that I had intended to marry but was too chicken

to ask. She used to look at me with love in her eyes...caring and tenderness

always. If she were disappointed she would never condemn me or humiliate

me. She never felt it necessary to degrade me like the one who now resides

within her. He likes to humiliate and degrade. He loves to see his slave crawl

to him in bed, service him, please him, beg for his services. She never was

like that. Oh don't get me wrong she had a wild side about her. Sarah loved

to experiment, loved it. There were many things she and I did together that

would probably have shocked the hell out of our friends. She was a wild one.

She had many fantasies, still does but now those fantasies are darker, tainted

by the evil one who resides within. Now, now when I look at her I do not know

if she will touch me in kindness or order me to willingly humiliate myself for her...

 

Control, it's all about control and though the things I am made to do are

sometimes extremely degrading, I have some how managed to find pleasure

in the acts...

 

How do you ask can I find pleasure in degradation, pleasure in humiliation

and pleasure in groveling for my lord and master? I have learned to enjoy it.

It's the only way I can deal with my body's betrayal, deal with my betrayal of

my lover, deal with the things he requires of me... He torments me you know

and he enjoys tormenting me. When he realized that I was giving my body freely

to him he started to experiment more trying to push me to see just how far I can

go before I break, before it's all too much for me to handle. I'm now his sexual

slave. I diligently serve my master...and I enjoy everything he does to me. I

have to actually separate myself from the acts I'm performing for him. The

only way for me to do so is to allow myself to get lost and consumed by heat,

by desire, by primal urges and primal needs…that's how I can respond to him

so openly and so willingly. There is no heart in what I do for my master and

what I allow him to do to me. It's all pure sexual urges and sexual cravings, all

of it. He's happy with his obedient responsive sex slave, so happy. I wonder if

Sarah likes what I've become as well? Sometimes when I look into that beautiful

face, a face I have known so well, the face of someone I had at one time loved I

wonder if she's in there watching me, seeing me. Does she realize that each time

he fucks me or makes me fuck him my spirit, my soul, my heart shatters again

and again? Does she even care? Why do I even bother to wonder what Sarah

thinks of me, what she thinks of how I so willingly serve our lord?

 

Sometimes, sometimes she comes to me. Sometimes at night, sometimes when

I'm suffering or hurt she tries, oh how she tries, just as Osiris tries to comfort

me, to care for me and to love me...but no one can comfort me, no one can

protect me. There is only one man who has that ability, has that power...the

power to heal my tormented soul, to heal my shattered heart, to heal this

broken man...but does he still care for me? Does he care or has he forgotten

all about me? Does anyone care about me? Can the one man who has the power

to heal me and restore me, repair the remnants of my tattered, stripped, torn

soul ever find it in his heart to love one who is now so tainted, so abused and

so used...? Can he ever love this shadow of the man I used to be? Or will he turn

me away just like all the others? Will he abandon me the instant he realizes the

things I have done? Will he toss me away as if I'm nothing more than trash?

 

Probably will, Jack, you probably will. Your lover has betrayed you, has

learned humiliation, degradation, shame...

 

Learned how to hate and despise his very being...

 

Despise what he has now become...

 

Hates what he now is...

 

 

End of Journal Entry

 

 

Next:

 

   A FRAGILE TRUST

 

 

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